Demo Reviews Vol. 46

images
What up. Time for another edition of Demo Reviews. As always, I must preface this with an all caps reminder:
I’M NOT ACCEPTING NEW DEMO SUBMISSIONS RIGHT NOW.WHEN I AM, I WILL ANNOUNCE IT. UNTIL THEN, DON’T SEND ME ANYTHING CAUSE I WON’T EVEN OPEN THE EMAIL.
Now that that is out of the way, hi! this is that thing where readers send me their music to review. Why? cause they want people to hear them and think me shitting all over their art is worth that. I understand that. Such is the life of an good artist.
The reviews work like so: i do a brief write up explaining my take on the songs then arbitrarily rate the songs from 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
originality

I gotta say, this week batch is a step up from previous weeks. Some real potential in these guys. For once, i’m not leaving writing this in a bad mood. Props! Let’s get into it.

Artist: MicP
Song: Going spam in Lala Land


Strong start! Straight up, The beat is dope. Love the mood and the MC Rides it well. He’s not perfect (some of his flow is a little suspect) and relies a little heavily on similes but he says some clever shit and his voice is decent. I see him improving over time and figuring out his syllable placement better but, hey, he’s got good beats to work with and he can write so that’s a great start.
Production:7 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Avante-garde productions
Song: I’ve been down


This has some good things going on and some not so good things. Let’s start positive: The beats is well made considering it’s using some pretty bad stock sounds. That leads me to believe , given the right sounds they could make some dope tracks. The rappers are certainly capable. They can double time well enough. I’d say , as the rappers go, they get a little worse as the song progresses though.
On the other side, the beat does sound cheap due to it’s shitty stock sounds and the rappers are inflicted with a strong case of “white voice”. Nothing they can do about that but it’s there. Also, I’m not into this kind of emo thing but that’s more personal preference.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Seeks|3eats
Song: NY beats


Oh, is this a New York beat? I was wondering cause I couldn’t place it.
Clearly, I’m not the audience for this I don’t even know what to do with this cause it’s got that Ibiza synth sound that should be eradicated off the planet but the rest is more refined. But, yeah, this sounds more Miami than NY and the spelling of the artists name is infuriating. Get the |-|E|_|_ out of here with that keyboard tomfoolery.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:2 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Digitalfel
Song:Orezomi


This was interesting. I kept waiting for an 80′s singer to come in and start belting. It really has that vibe. I mean that in a good way. It’s a nice slow build. Not really my lane personally, but it’s definitely well done. Seriously, a singer on this would be pretty cool.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist:OneQuest
Song: Rooftops


This is very rough around the edges but it shows a ton of potential. The beat is cool it just needs to be mixed better and some better drum sounds. The rapper is kinda the same. He’s not bad at all and will only get better. Overall, I like the aesthetic of the song a lot. That’s actual an overlooked nuance in rap. If this kid can hone that, it will be very interesting to hear what he’s making in like 2 years.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Seymore Johnson
Song: Goat Worship

This is some sloppy looping. The first sample doesn’t really work and the second one is kinda out of tune. Then it just flies completely off the rails. On one hand, it definitely went places I wasn’t expecting but it’s kind of a mess in general. I appreciate the attempt but it’s like a bunch of non-sequitors mashed together.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:3 out of 10
originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Ill Chilldren
Song:Step to this


This is some standard “Spitting barz” kinda shit. The rappers are all good and have a presence and flow. Confidence is not an issue here. The beat is fairly boring. Kinda sounds like a late 90′s outtake. And the hook? Kinda corny. The whole thing feels old but, like I said, the rapping is solid. It’s just one of those type of songs that’s been made a million times.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Rel 4 real
song: W.I.N. Ft.Yung Spook


Oh jesus christ…First off, I saw “Feat Yung Spook” and got excited but then realized I was thinking of “Spooky black“. Oh well. Anyway, beats like this are my nightmare. It’s like olympic theme music. I hate that shit. I get it’s purpose but it’s not for me. The hook is almost so bad I thought the whole song was a parody. That said, these guys can rap. The first guy in particular kinda killed it. Honestly, kinda curious how this demo even made it’s way to me.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Stingray Thompson
song: Wack Nightmares


Hmm…sooooo…what am I listening to here? This has some cool elements but also seems like it’s a bunch of people on heroin jamming. There are some tonal issues all over this piece. Yeah, I’m just really confused. I’m sure there is a drug that compliments this song amazingly though.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:6 out of 10

Artist: Geniusenis
Song:Every Generation


This is solid. I feel like it should be in a commercial for something. It’s nice mixture of electronic and sampled beats. The sequencing is well done too. I could see this, accompanied with strobe lights, causing many mellow seizures.
Production:6.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:6 out of 10
originality:5 out of 10

So , what do you think?

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 34

thumb-640x280
Welcome to another addition of Fuck/Marry/Kill. Depending on who you are, you either love this or hate this. To the haters (I don’t mean that in the “Hi haters!” kinda way), just know it’s all in fun and I’m in no way trying to degrade anyone. It’s a fucking parlor game , for christs sake. The only reason I’m not using men in this is cause…well…I’m a straight guy and that would be impossible. The fucking part , at least. So, yeah, grain of salt people!
Anyway, this weeks batch is full of truly hard choices. If you got any original ideas for who I should f/m/k, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new and innovative ideas. Let’s get into it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Amy Schumer, Ilana Glazer, Natasha Leggero

Marry: Natasha Leggero
natasha-leggero-coke-money-cover
You kinda set me up too perfectly with this one. I mean, I’mma definitely go the shallow rout when it’s put in front of me like this. Natasha Leggero, like the other two women listed, is funny. She’s also hot. Now, even though I’ve seen video clips of her dismissing all rap music and sounding like an out of touch old person, I think she’s since changed her tune. Or at least softened it. Cause, as much as I’m not trying to date a girl who’s obsessed with the four elements of hip hop (you’d be amazed how unattractive that can be), a person who has no respect at all for rap music and I might bump heads a little. The thing about Leggero and I , though? We’d get past it. No one said marriage was easy.

Kill: Amy Schumer
amy-schumer-comedy-central-roast-of-roseanne-barr-01
I’m a big fan of hers. She’s funny and has somehow managed to make a good sketch comedy show in an era where you’d think that was no longer possible without it being an over the top bite of the Chappelle show. That said, she’s not exactly a looker. A lil’ piggy in the face. I don’t wanna kill Schumer, but in this game, I’ve been given no choice. On the bright side, I’d like to think if Amy Schumer wrote this edition of F/M/K , she’d pick the same fate and express it in a much funnier way than I just did.

Fuck: Illana Glazer
a_3x-horizontal
Whoever sent in these options has been paying attention. By Putting Glazer here, they’re testing me cause I have a weird crush on this girl. In fact, I bet they were testing if my crushes are deeper than just shallow physical attraction. Whelp, apparently not.
Still, It would be my honor to bone her. My attraction to her is based on many things. Yes, she’s very funny. But you don’t fuck funny. She’s also quirky. Can’t say my dicks ever gotten hard for a female clown. No, my attraction to her is based on something I’ve mentioned many times in F/M/K. She’s a jewess who reminds me of girls I used to want to have sex with in high school. That’s all it takes. The other things are a bonus. High school was all about jews and puerto ricans. So, forever, I’ll have a thing for those two types. That’s just how it is.

F/M/K: Facebook / Twitter / Instagram (the last option was originally Pintrest but what the fuck is that?)

Fuck: Instagram
Unknown
Instagram is fun and easy. Low pressure. I don’t need it but I enjoy it greatly. It seems like the clear pick for me to bone down on. Not to mention, it’s visual. Us men are visually driven creatures. I’ve literally seen pics on instagram that i could probably make love to, if that was possible (shout out to bikini season and girls who need affirmation. You guys look great). I think I wouldn’t marry instagram cause it’s just not that serious. Instagram is a casual fling that goes on for years. I wouldn’t want to change that ever.

Kill:Twitter
Twitter_logo_blue
I love twitter but the reason I’d kill it is cause it’s pretty much just an aspect of Facebook. Sure, it’s faster, funnier and arranged in a pleasing way. It also tends to attract a more “on the ball” crowd. I can’t even begin to explain how awful the comment section of my facebook page gets. but twitter also promotes the overuse of hashtags and people still haven’t figured out that retweeting anytime some gives you accolades is generally really fucking annoying. So, me killing Twitter would be depressing but i’d do it as painlessly as possible. Perhaps I’ve force feed it pills so it could pass calmly in the night. #deadbutnotforgotten

Marry: Facebook
is320
I’m sure many of you are disagreeing with this but hear me out. Yes, Facebook is seemingly on it’s way out. I know tons of people who abandoned it for the two other sites listed above. But, let’s be honest, facebook is all those things and more. It can be like twitter. It can be like Instagram. All that and more. It’s like the general store. Sure, Twitter may be the cooler store in town where you buy all those exclusive things but do they sell butter? I bet they don’t even have eggs. Facebook got that and a decent enough knock off of whatever designer crap that other place was slinging. Facebook got everything you need so, if I had to chose, I’d take it easily over the others cause of its wide reach. To be honest, the only reason facebook is wacker now is cause too cool for school people decided they wanted to use other social networks.The site itself is still awesome. In fact, had Myspace never gone under and gotten over run by Spam, I’d probably be married to that right now anyway.

F/M/K:The Fresh Prince edition: -Hilary -Ashley (when she was age appropriate) -Will’s girlfriend (Nia Long)

Marry: Ashley
tumblr_mgfl0gqHe11qal624o1_500
I’d like to start this saying that, when this show aired, I was a few years (maybe 4 or tops) older than ashley and she was pretty much the hottest girl ever to me. So, a legal aged ashley is ,without question, getting wifed up. I haven’t seen her in a minute but the late teen early 20′s version of her is something special. It would be a bonus if she dressed like it was the mid 90′s too cause that would also be hilarious. I bet her Roger rabbit was on point back then.

Fuck:Nia Long
tumblr_ml2e892omN1qb7rhko1_1280
To be honest, I Barely remember her being on the show but whatever. Nia Long is my shit. She’s the black version of Michelle Williams. Tiny, adorable and she aged amazingly. The more I think about it, the more I think I should be marrying her…but, alas, my love for Ashley runs too deep. Still though, sex with Nia Long? That would not be a problem. Who knows? maybe I’d fall in love with her and leave Ashley? God works in mysterious ways and one of those ways might involved a hypothetical love triangle between nia long, ashley and I. You never know, bro!

Kill:Hillary
tumblr_m5gxslqKYC1rwoho2o3_400
I mean, shit, she was always hot to me too. That said, I dunno if the actress was that good or the writing was special but her stuck up, spoiled bitchiness came through hard on the show. She wasn’t even sexual to me. I remember seeing the actress that played her in another role and being like “whoa! she’s not an awful piece of shit…”. Still, the scar remains and she’ll always be hillary. I’d imagine there are tons of guys out there who saw her as a challenge and would pick her based on that but I’ve never been a captain fix-a-hoe so i’ll leave that to the men with more patience and desire.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: NYC, SF, L.A.

Marry: NYC
new-york-city-wallpaper
Duh. I mean, it’s not even close. Yes, I’m wildly biased on this but what other answer would you possibly expect me to pick? I wish I could marry this city. If i could, I’d become one of those awful patronizing, passive aggressive husbands who would shame my wife into being the woman I fell in love with when I met her all those years ago. Like I’d say shit like “NAh, that new high end clothing store you opened is cool but I always liked how that area had good bars in it and wasn’t full of vertical striped shirt dipshits…but, hey, what do i know?”. Eventually my abuse might actually pay off. One can dream.

Fuck: San Francisco
2014-01-08-hcso_san_francisco
This is where I’d go if NYC vanished. I got family there. I got friends there. I love the feel of the city. It’s just an awesome place all around. The only reason it’s not getting a ring is cause my bitch NYC doesn’t play games. Also, the fear of earthquakes and me ever becoming a person who says “hella” is enough to keep me out of there full time. Still, if I’m gonna go balls deep on any city, it would be S.F.

Kill: L.A.
Los_Angeles,_CA_from_the_air
Now, this was actually tougher than you might think. I’ve come around on L.A. in a major way over the last 10 years. It’s fun, the weather is great, there’s always shit going on and the food is awesome. Why kill it then? Well I don’t drive. Not driving out there is impossible. Well, not impossible but it would definitely make life really difficult. Add in that it’s full of actors and actresses and that’s enough for me to know. But, still, I do have love for L.A.. you guys just came up against some tough competition. Had the other choices been, I dunno…Sacramento and buffalo, you know you’d have my heart in a millisecond.

Rogglecast9- Go Ask Alice

alice-wetterlundAnd now for something a little different! This week, we flip the game up a bit and have our very first guest. That guest is the lovely and talented Alice Wetterlund. She’s an actor/comedian that you may recognize from MTV’s Girl Code. I certainly do…cause I watch that shit all the time. No shame in my old man game whatsoever.
Anyway, She, Pollyne and I discuss Girl code, dating younger people and we give Alice a survey. She also teaches us that when australians say “back pack” it sounds like “dick pic” , which pretty much blew my mind.
Peep it here:

Oh, and , of course, find us on I-tunes. Download episodes. Subscribe. write romantic poems to us in the comment section. Whatever keeps you going.

Answers for questions vol. 183

8741405061_dbaf8c09f4_b
A fine day to you, sir. And you as well , madam. How are you? Oh me, I’m Chinchillin’ (yes, that’s a chinchilla up there).
Welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”. You ask stuff, I answer it. Speaking of which, my cupeth running a little low so I need you guys to bring the heat. send me questions…about anything. The stranger the better. Get creative. Either leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com Become a part of the magic, yo!
Anyway, here are this weeks batch. Apparently, the east/west coast rivalry lives on. Who knew?

So I know people from the East And West coast specifically New York And California have certain views of each other Ive always been curious as to what a Native New Yorkers general views are on people from California?

California is a HUGE State. So big that you can’t really pigeon hole the entire thing. I mean sure, in general, I can say that California people tend to be a little more mellow than NYC people but that’s like saying Salt tends to be more salty than sugar.
Because of California’s huge size it’s got a variety of types. A person from San Diego is gonna be completely different than a person from San francisco who would be totally different than a person from Bakersfield. The common theme is that California is spacious and , generally, has nice weather. They’re near mountains and beaches. While NYC is compact, full of people and everyone walks every where. Our nature is pretty much limited to parks and gross beaches on the outskirts of the city.
I used to make fun of California as it was in my nature but I get it now. While I wouldn’t wanna live there myself (I’m unequivocally a person who prefers a real metropolis) I totally get it’s appeal. Hell, just being in L.A. for two days during the last winter nailed that point home. It’s definitely a more relaxed and easy going lifestyle out there. That said, it’s more boring. It’s slower. It’s the type of place you can smoke weed all day and never get out of your car. I don’t smoke weed so that doesn’t appeal to me. I like walking about of my apartment building and being thrust in action. As much as it may seem like I don’t like people, I thrive of the energy of having activity around me at all times.
So, yeah, the two places are extremely different but I’m not about to sit here and shit on California. It’s got some awesome places. If NYC ever gong under water, I’d probably wanna move to S.F. but , until then, I’m good here and still enjoy my brief visits out west.

I have a question. Why are guys so perverted?

That’s a fairly open ended question. hmm…Why is ice cold? Why does hot pizza burn your mouth? In the words of Lady Gaga, I’d venture to say we were born this way.
Guys are perverted cause our minds are simple when it comes to sex. It’s all visual for us. I can’t even fathom what goes through girls heads but, from discussions I’ve had, it’s so far and beyond anything a guy would even begin to get into ,it’s no wonder we have so much trouble meeting eye to eye. You guys work on a totally different plain. Detailed and layered. Emotional and situational. We can literally see some lower back dimples and the top of an ass crack and get a semi-erection cause the thought “I want to put my penis near there” will pop in our heads.
The funny thing about the simplicity of men is that it’s that lack of depth in our thoughts that lead to us getting weirder and weirder. Because we’re so visual our simplicity often spirals into places. Like , I often wonder how a man goes from being a typical guy who likes putting his penis in vaginas to, down the road, being the type of guy who can only achieve orgasm by a woman stepping on his balls with high heels. I suppose we are more prone to go down dark paths sexually. I mean, let’s not act like women don’t do the same thing but I feel as though men do it more and go to stranger places. Even the more basic fetishes we have (Watching girls choke on dicks, facials, anal sex etc…) seem to , at times, be based as much on “pleasure” as it is our ego and self worth. It’s definitely strange and i don’t blame girls for being horrified by it all but hey, guess what? I guess you guys gotta deal with it cause we’re the only species around that can make babies with you. Raw deal, I know…but that’s life.

Also whats your view on west coast hip hop vs. east side ?

Do you think there are any west coast groups or rappers that have had just as big of an impact on hip hop as co flow and juggaknots?

There is no way this is still a topic of interest , is it? I figured the internet pretty much wiped out any discussion of musical location. Yes, the two coasts make different types of rap at times but, really, no one has given a shit about that in a long long time. I’d venture to say the south and middle parts of america are just as much of a force as any coast is now.
As for the second part, I love both those groups but I can’t really say they’re influence on hip hop was THAT big. I mean, that movement definitely had a ripple effect that spread far and wide but I’d say they , stylistically, were not as influential as Freestyle Fellowship or maybe even Blackalicious and the old Solesides crew. What Co-flow and the Juggaknots did do was open the doors fully on the east coast for wierdo rap. Which is great. Sure, we had Ultramagnetic before them but they definitely took it somewhere else and that spawned all sorts of mc’s from future generations. Hip hop has always worked like the domino effect. One things leads to another. And those two groups are certainly in the chain of events.

Will you ever stop doing the Answers to Questions portion of your blog? Between your blog and when you used to do the questions thing on Myspace… it has to get old sometimes.

And/or does doing it weekly give you a sense of routine or structure?

I have no intention of stopping. I’m sure I will one day but , as long as people send me questions, I’ll keep answering them. It definitely has gotten old at times but I also use a little more selectiveness with what questions I answer. To be clear, I answer like 95% of the questions people send/ask me. But if one comes up that I’ve done a bunch of times before or is an opinion question like “Do you like (band name)?” I’ll skip those cause they’re either played out or boring.
This definitely does help give me a routine but that’s this entire blog. I wake up, write some shit, post it and go on with my day. Without that, I don’t know what I’d do in the early part of my day. So, yeah, keep sending me questions so I have something to do in the mornings!

You’re a comedy junkie. Therefore, I know that you’ve seen that ‘Talking Funny’ HBO special before. One thing that Jerry Seinfeld said in it is – “No one is more judged in civilized society than the stand-up comedian. Every 12 seconds, you’re rated.” So I have three mini q’s related to that quote.

1) Do you agree with Seinfeld’s statement?

From an artists perspective? I’d agree with that. Comedy is relentless. You could say the same thing about a rapper but, in general, rappers get about 4 bars before people make their mind up about them. They also can redeem themselves later. Comedians, though, are just constantly being scrutinized through out an entire performance. They can be killing it, say one wrong thing and the whole dynamic of their show will chance. That’s pretty fucking brutal.

2) When you hear a new hip hop track for the first time, how many seconds do you think it takes you to make a ‘judgement?’ And do you think that amount of time is different or the same when you’re hearing a professional recording versus when you’re listening to a demo?
Depends. If the beat is wack it’s got less of a chance. I tend to go into listening to new rap like so: I first see if I like the voice, check if the flow is tight, listen to what he’s saying and if he does it in a creative/interesting manner then , the last thing I’ll notice is what he’s talking about , content wise. This can all take place in about 8 bars. Some rappers need more time to be evaluated while others I can tell if I like them after once sentence. It depends. Whether it’s a demo or not doesn’t really make a difference. Before I did “Demo Reviews” on here I was a guy who listened to underground radio shows and recorded random rap demos on to a cassette for my own listening pleasure.Some of those demos were my favorite songs when I was younger. I can see past bad quality if the talent is there.

3) You have reviewed many (!) demos by now. How many secs into a demo would you say it takes you to formulate an opinion? Do you think it’s a recurring judgement, kinda like what Jerry said with the “every 12 seconds” or do you think that once you’ve made your opinion, that tends to stick for the duration of the song?

I make it a point to listen to the whole song but, in general, I can tell pretty quickly how good/bad the demo is. The flaws tend to jump off the page, if you know what I mean. The only exception is if the song has multiple rappers on it and a better/worse one comes in later in the song.

I don’t tend to crush on celebs all that often, especially not the guys (some of the girls are pretty dope, let’s be honest). Sam Cooke tho…I watch this video
and I am literally turned on. That lip bite..that face! that voice!! So so sad what happened to him. Anyways, is it weird to have a crush on a star who has been dead for, oh say, 50 years now?

I don’t think it’s weird up to a point. Like you should be able to separate this crush from the reality of the situation. He is a dead man, after all. So, by that, I mean you can watch that video and have those feeling but the second you start masturbating to black and white pictures of a dead guy, you might have a problem. Personally, I can see a pic of some old timey woman and be like “damn…she was beautiful…” but I don’t think I’d really ever be able to look at her in a sexual way beyond that. The reality that she’s dead or just old as fuck would weigh to much on my mind. I can barely enjoy porn made in the 70′s and 80′s at this point cause , for one, it just looks so grainy and old but , secondly, I think about how old those women are now. I dunno…maybe you have a more vibrant imagination than me and can pull some creative fantasies off? That’s on you though.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 5

Roger_Ebert__extract__by_Roger_Ebert
It’s time once again for the magic of sweeping generalizations. Listen, I love movies. But I’m not trying to see every piece of shit that hits the theaters. Sometimes, all we need to know about the film is in the preview. So, this is where I forgo the who “watching a movie” thing and simply watch the previews and review the film based entirely on that. Short sighted? Sure. Not fair to the film makers? Certainly. But, you know what? I’d be willing to bet I’ve been right about 90% of the time here so that’s not really a poor success rate. So, without further ado, here is a new edition of “Preview reviews of Movies I’ve never seen”.

Oculus

Here is my interpretation of how the pitch went for this movie:
Film maker- Okay, I got this idea for a movie. It’s a horror movie…
Producer- I’m in! When do we start shooting?
Film maker-But don’t you even wanna hear what it’s about?
Producer-Do I need to? We got money to make it and it’s scary, right? We’re good.
Film maker-But I feel as if you should hear how th…
Producer- Lemme guess. Something is haunted or something, there are attractive kids who know more than the adults. Scary visuals of ominous creatures lurking in the back ground,supernatural stuff pops out and scares you yada yada yada…I get it. I’ve been to the movies. It’s a go.
Film Maker-Well, yeah but it’s more than that it’s…
Producer- Kid, listen, you did a great job directing those commercials. I’m not asking for an oscar here. Just make whatever this is. All I ask is that it’s rated PG-13 and that the name be fantastic.
Film maker-umm…okay. Well, it’s called “Oculus” and it’s…
Producer-Stop the fucking presses! “Oculus”? That’s amazing. I’m all in. I don’t care what it’s about. It could be about a fucking stupid haunted mirror and I’d make this movie! Sign here!
Film maker-oh…ummm…cool. *shuffles off quietly with a check in his hand*

Transcendence

Ever since the Matrix came out, every year a new sci-fi movie comes out that’s basically a nerd jerking off onto a script at his own cleverness. Problem is, it’s always some worm hole based ,vague “In the future, things will be like this…” kinda angle that I tend to lose interest in the second it starts. They’re often convoluted to a point where I don’t think the film makers themselves really could explain what’s going on…but they look cool so who fucking cares? I mean, shit, you see that body float towards the end or the trailer? That dude must be bugging, right? He floatin’!
Admittedly, I’m not a sci-fi guy so this isn’t for me. I’m sure people will love this though. To be honest, the thing I’m most excited about with this movie is what the transgendered porn spin-off title will be. With they go simple and just call it “TRANScendence” or get funky and call it something like “Trans-men-dance”. Only time will answer that riddle.

Blended

Okay…Am i crazy or did Adam Sandler already make this movie? I clearly recall and movie I watched on cable while playing Candy Crush about Adam Sandler and a girl he’s not romantically involved taking their families on a vacation where…they find love. It’s a tough , uphill battle but, gosh darn it, it fucking happens!
Oh wait…it was this.

Wow. It’s no secret that Adam Sandler ran out of ideas (or stopped caring) a looooong time ago. I’m not even mad at the dude. He’s a family man. He made some great movies and , now, it’s just a pay check. But, that said, if you see this movie, you’re an asshole or have kids. One or the other. There is no in between. Your girl says “Hey, let’s go see ‘Blended’!” she’s not the one. Your boyfriend drags you to this, tell him your going to the bathroom and never come back. Not cause this movie will even be THAT bad. Sure, it’ll be bad. Without question but , more than anything, it just sorta exists. It exists as a unexplicable money-making machine that takes the dollars out of target and walmart shoppers pockets everywhere. But , hey, at least Sandler is reliable. You know what you’re getting with this and , i suppose, that’s all people really need.

Under the skin

This is one of those trailers that’s made to both entice and confuse. Indie Stylezzzzz. For the life of me, I have no fucking clue what this movie is about. Is she a hooker? Perhaps a killer hooker? Maybe a grifter? What I do know is about this is that…wait a second…isn’t this that movie where scarlett Johansson gets naked a lot? Hold up. I’m not one to really ever watch something simply cause it’s got a hot girl I want to see naked get naked but, you know what? This looks artsy. Yeah. Real Artsy. High brow even. I mean, look at the preview. She’s hopping around from random location to random location, wearing that fur coat doing all sorts of artsy facial expressions. Is she in a forrest? But she was just in an urban setting. Crazy! She even dyes her hair black! That plus the fact she shows off the goods in this makes me think this must be truly high level film making. Pretty sure this one has gotten good reviews too. So, umm, yeah. It would be with no creepy reasoning that I’d definitely see this movie. Perhaps during a lightly attended matinée or something. By myself.

Rogglecast 8- Hey Hey We’re the Monkees

1044555_612267755520732_1494810654_n
It’s been a minute but we have returned. Due to a dumb mistake I made in recording last week, we lost a show but this one is here to fill it’s shoes.
This week, Pollyne and I discuss inventions we’d like to create, we play a brutal game of “Would you rather?” and go over a list of our least favorite words. Peep it here or download it on I-tunes. Subscribe! Write a friendly review (that apparently is a good thing). Okaaaaay?

You know, I bet he/she is alright….

spreadlove
It’s no secret that this blog can be a hub of negativity. I typically spend my time making fun of people , ranting about pointless shit that annoys me or telling people their demos are mediocre. That’s just kinda my thing. But, come on…let’s be honest, negativity is way funnier than positivity. This is all about entertainment value. I could write daly affirmations all day but no one besides confused strippers and moms on facebook are trying to read that bullshit. So, today, I’mma try something different.
As a judgmental man, I’m no stranger to casting opinions upon people I don’t know. Especially rich and famous people. While morons might call this practice “hating” , in real life, I don’t care enough to hate any of these people. It’s just fun to take shots at various thrones for the hell of it. Over the years , I’ve poked fun at all sorts of people so today I’m gonna do the opposite. Here are some famous people who, while I’m not a fan of their “art” on any level, I bet are actually cool people to chill with. Also, be aware the irony is not lost on me that I’m saying they’d ever want to hang out with my bum ass. I’m just saying, I bet these guys are okay in real life, as people. Also, as a way to retain the negative, generalization filled edge I like this blog to have , each person will have an “On the other hand…” which will spotlight a similar celebrity who, in my eyes, still sucks.

Drake
drake-high-school_0
First off, he’s canadian. I’ve never met an asshole canadian. At worst, they can be lame in an inoffensive way. But they’re so fucking nice it’s hard to imagine two canadians ever even arguing. Secondly, in interviews, he seems like a fairly humble guy who actually has a decent sense of humor. So, while i’m not really trying to listen to his albums and I think he’s a bit if a try hard, I have no doubt that, one on one, Drake is a cool guy. I imagine him to be someone who laughs a lot and never likes an awkward moment. He’s basically a dork who got thrust into the lifestyle of someone who can do anything he wants. He coulda gone the Bieber direction but he was better than that.
That’s nothing if not commendable.

On the other hand…
I bet Lil’ Wayne is a fucking moron and an asshole. It might be one of those “he’s too high all the time” things but I question the value of any man who takes up skateboarding in his late 20′s and carries around a guitar he doesn’t play.

John Mayer
high-school-portrait_john-mayer
His music is the thing of nightmares for people who have really boring nightmares. But, all signs point to him being a funny dude. I’m the type of person who will put up with other shortcomings if the person has a good sense of humor. A while back he got in trouble for comparing his dick to hitler (cause he only likes white girls). I always though the outrage of that simple joke was way overblown. The fact he said it in an interview actually make me like him more. He also seems like a great guy to hit the town with and bag up girls. Sure, he’s John Mayer and he’s gonna get first dibs but I get the feeling he’d gladly throw scraps at you cause he’s just that kinda guy. John Mayer will not bogart the pussy and , to me, that’s an admirable quality in a rich and famous person.

On the other hand…

Gavin Degraw seems like a prick. I barley know who this dude is but a year or two back he got “jumped” walking around lower manhattan alone at like 3 in the morning. Thing is, who the fuck gets jumped in lower manhattan anymore? As the story unfolded, it turned out he was shit faced drunk and talking junk to the wrong people. I got no time in my life for bad drunks.

Lady Gaga
ladygaga00007u
She’s fucking ridiculous. I loathe her music but she’s also insanely talented so, you know, different strokes…but, beyond the music, she’s just a girl from the upper east side of manhattan who wanted to be cool downtown. I knew many people like that when I was younger and they were always the black sheep of their community. While I’d imagine her burgeoning “Actor” side might annoy me, she’s proven herself to have a good sense of humor and , more than anything, she doesn’t take herself that seriously. I’m sure many of you will argue that point but hear me out. She looks insane like 90% of the time. She leaves the house looking like a game of Jenga in mid-collapse on the regular. I know some of you would say that’s her trying too hard but it’s not like she’s Kanye. That’s someone breaking his back to be cool. Gaga strikes me more as just a weirdo. And I can get behind that…at least as a friend. Also, dat ass.

On the other hand…

There is no worse person nowadays than Madonna. Okay, maybe some brutal dicatators and people who do things to children, but Madonna is #3 with a bullet. She needs to just stop. Stop with EVERYTHING. Stop making music. Stop saying things to the press. Stop pushing her fad life choices on everyone. Stop working out. It’s ill to think that she was once the coolest person on earth (in the eyes of many) and now her existence is to humiliate her poor kids. I beg you, Madonna…stop. For the love of whatever god you’re worshipping at this very moment.

Jimmy Fallon
tumblr_m8e1e6zrOq1rwwst1o2_400
One of my all-tme favorite punching bags has been Jimmy Fallon. Why? Cause he’s not funny. A guy who’s career is comedy but he’s bad at that one specific thing. Sure, He’s done funny things , had decent ideas and even has a few good impressions but , when it’s all said and done, he’s no funnier than the average wall street broker who quotes Ron Burgandy all the time. That said, he’s without question a nice guy. There is no way on earth he’s an asshole. He’s level headed and considerate. He aims to please. You’re moving? Fallon got your back. He’ll even rent the truck for you. You just broke up with someone? Call jimmy. He’s have you over and cook you a nice dinner. He’ll even let you crash at his place for way longer than normally acceptable. I liken him to old friends who’ve known since your teens that, while you don’t relate to them on a deep level, they stick around in your life cause you know they have good hearts. He’s a good guy. A good, completely unfunny guy.

On the other hand…

Jay Leno is both unfunny and a jerk. Tall dudes with big heads are generally kinda assholes. I don’t know what the science is behind that but I’ve found it to be true. Add on having more money than most small countries and it gets even worse.

Kid Rock
28221140-28221141-large
Dudes musical career has been like a middle finger to my own personal taste for as long as I can recall. He helped bring in the Rap/rock era that basically created a whole shitty new brand of human being. But, if I’m out and drinking, there is no question Kid Rock would be my go to guy. He’s laid back, funny, and not a snob. In fact, he’d probably clown me for drinking a vodka and soda…and I’m okay with that. I like to think of him as a type of midwestern dude I always love. People from detroit, cleveland, columbus etc…they’re fucking awesome. They’re from somewhat bummy ass cities but that’s what gave them their flavor. There’s no pretense with them. What you see is what you get and , most of the time, what you get is a stand up dude you can effortlessly shoot the shit with for hours. Kid Rock may be a millionaire who dated Pam anderson but I don’t doubt for a second he’s still one of those dudes.

On the other hand…

Eminem is probably a dick. I bet he was cool at one point but , at this point, it would seem like he’s become the rap howard hughes. A weird genius shut in who only comes out to make the worst anthemic rap ever created. I’ve seen him in enough interviews to be able to tell he probably does that thing where he’s so constantly sarcastic you have no idea what he’s ever really saying. That shit is tiring to be around. I’d almost just prefer a person be a straight up dick than the “always sarcastic” guy.

Travis barker
rCzZwoKoLo1m5tstMVBYxbKRo1_500
Clearly, not a fan of his music , old or new. He’s has a definite So-cal guy vibe that does not mesh well with me but, i dunno…I bet he’s okay. He might not even be from so-cal for all I know. This one is going more off a feeling than any thing I’ve seen or heard. He just seems like a guy that people get along with and, to me, that’s telling. Being a nice guy is underrated in the entertainment business. The term “fail upwards” is often misused on these people. People who have gotten to where they are simply by being liked by their peers. Sure, talent is there too but I can’t say enough for people who raised their status by just being cool to other people. Not stepping over people or fucking people over. I’m basing this on nothing but I feel like he’s one of those type of dudes. Also, he survived a plane crash and if that isn’t a character builder, I don’t know what it.

On the other hand…

Tommy Lee is a cornball. I don’t doubt partying with him in the 80′s was the best but, let’s be real, he’s extremely dim. His life has been better than mine will ever be X 1000. but I feel as if it was wasted on a dude who’s spectrum of thought and emotion range from “Awesome!” to “not stoked”. He’s basically a living Keanu Reeves character.

Khloe Kardashian
young-khloe-kardashian
Fuck you guys, I’ve watched their show. Yeah yeah yeah…I was actually considering throwing a few members of this show on the list (Kris humphries and Scott Disick) but I opted to keep it to just Khloe. Why? Cause she seems like the only person in that entire family that isn’t a complete piece of shit. While the reasoning for that is pretty obvious (she’s the least attractive and fattest one) I don’t care about all that. She seems like the only person in that family who genuinely cares about other human beings. She seems level headed and the least fame obsessed by far. While her brother Rob is ballooning up to Jiminy Glick levels of obesity, she’s got his back. Meanwhile, her cunt sisters and her shitty mom are leaving cakes around the house, taunting him cause, well, fuck him for being a fat ass! Truly terrible people. All of them. Khloe is a shining light of decency in an otherwise pitch black world.

On the other hand…

The rest of her family is more evil than most movie villains. Specifically Kim and their mom, Kris. If they did public beheadings on PPV, I’m willing to be a Kris Jenner sacrifice would be the most watched thing on tv ever. Like a Manny Pacquiao/Floyd Mayweather fight times a billion.

See? That wasn’t so bad. Positivity guys! It’s the wave of the future! I feel great!