Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 42

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Hi there. Welcome to another beloved/loathed edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s dumb as fuck. But that’s why I do it. If you wanna send me in some options, go for it. Just get creative cause I’ve done a ton of those already. Lady gaga and Katy Perry submissions are not going to cut it.
Leave them in the comments below.
As always, i’d like to preface this with a “This isn’t serious so don’t take it that way” warning. I’m don’t actually wish to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/place/things. I mean, sure, i’d fuck a few of them but it ends there, i swear!
Let’s see what we got this time around…

F/M/K: The “Real Names of Celebrities” Edition-
Demetria Gene Guynes (DEMI MOORE)
Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong (DIDO)
Eileen Regina Edwards (SHANIA TWAIN)

Marry: Shania Twain
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I have this thing where my brain doesn’t compute certain genre’s of women sexually. Country singers has been one of those for a while. Excluding Dolly parton, of course. I can look at Carrie Underwood and see that she’s a hot blonde girl but there’s something about that country singer attitude that just doesn’t click with me. Enter Shania Twain and that theory flies out the window. Maybe cause her look harkens back to a time or reading maxim magazines while taking a dump in the 90’s? Whatever it is, it’s working for me. That and I’d just like to ask her , repeatedly, what she was thinking when she made that song “That don’t impress me much” cause, wow…

Kill: Dido
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I honestly had forgotten what Dido Looked like until googling her for the pic above. Turns out she was really cute. Man, that totally slipped through the cracks, huh? I suppose it makes sense considering she was at peak popularity during the highly sexualized Britney spears years. As pretty as she was (is?) , there was a prudish vibe to her that clearly didn’t leave a lasting impact on my brain. Looking at her now, she’s certainly marriage material but, i dunno…Those 1990’s memories hold some weight. And she has the word “Cloud” in her original name. That’s just dumb. Sorry. Dead.

Fuck: Demi Moore
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I’d just like to point out that her birth name is brutal. Gene Guynes. That sounds like a drag queen name. I don’t know where she pulled “Demi Moore” from but I’m not mad at the switch. Her parents were assholes.
Anyway, Demi Moore has been my shit since the 80’s, so the nostalgia in my penis is guiding me with this one. While I prefer her pre-surgury , the fact she’s maintained hotness after 50 years is amazing. I wouldn’t wanna marry her but fucking her? That’s an achievement we can all get on board with, right? Ashton knows what I’m talking about!

F/M/K: The Canadian Edition-Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver

Fuck: Montreal
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Unlike a lot of U.S. citizens, I think Cqnada has a lot to offer. In particular, these three wonderful cities. I like them all a great deal. But, in F/m/k, you gotta make tough choices.
I choose to fuck Montreal for a few reasons. First off, it’s an amazing city that reminds me of Greenwich Village, where I grew up. Except, it’s full of french canadians. That’s a bit of a bummer. So, While I love visiting it and hanging there, i can’t say I’d wanna live there full time. I’m simply terrible at learning languages and I don’t ever feel comfortable in places where I have to sheepishly speak english to everyone. So, by fucking Montreal, i get to enjoy it but I don’t have to stay forever. Also, I’d wanna fuck Montreal cause I literally want to fuck montreal. Pound for pound , some of the hottest women I have ever seen. Maybe I’m a sucker for a pouty french bitch face but, goddamnit, if they don’t deliver, I don’t know who does.

Marry: Toronto
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As a New Yorker, I can’t help but compare all other cities to mine. It’s my favorite city so, the more similar the city is to NYC, the more I tend to like it. Toronto is pretty close in many ways. It’s far more sterile, way less active and in Canada but parts of it legit feel like it could be an extension of manhattan. To me, if I had to chose, I’d wanna be up in that full time. It’s a city like that that I can relate to. I also tend to like people from Toronto so there’s that too. Oh, and it’s so close to michigan! What a bonus! (just kidding about that last part)

Kill: Vancouver
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Like I said, I like all these cities. Vancouver is awesome. But, of the three, it’s the one that grabs me the least. Probably cause it’s on some northwest shit. It’s a little too spread out, a little too “eh bro, you like kind bud?!?!” for my taste. Not to mention that area where all the junkies are? Fucking gross. Don’t you guys have street sweepers out there? Problem fixed.
I love visiting it and playing in it but, I dunno. This one just loses by default. Let’s be honest, if the shit ever really hits the fan in the US and San Fran is outta my price range, I’d gladly live in any of these places before I lived somewhere else in the US. But that’s just me. Oh, Canada.

F/M/K: All the actresses who played Carrie- sissy spacek, Angela bettis, Chloe grace moretz

Kill: Angela Bettis
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Who? She must have been in the sequel. Well, a quick google search shows me all I need to know. She looks vaguely familiar as a character actress. Anyway, not into it at all. She looks like a mormon Sandra Bernhardt. Just not my steeze. Sadly, she dies for wrong reasons here but in F/M/K, there rarely are right reasons for any of the choices you make.

Fuck: Sissy Spacek
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I’m assuming we’re judging these from the era the movies were made. I’m hoping we are.
Spacek was a weird brand of cute back then. She had an unborn gerbil look to her but she was certainly pretty. I can’t say she was oozing sexuality but, considering the other choices, I had to play this safe. She’s got a farmers daughter quality that is kinda hot but there is something about her that’s not all there. Can’t really put my finger on it. Luckily, I wouldn’t be marrying her so whatever that thing is, it would not be my problem!

Marry: Chloe Grace Moretz
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Okay, you jerks. I know she’s under age. She’s a kid. Thus, i would not fuck her. At the same time, I’m not gonna kill her either. The best I can do is marry her, let her age a few years and then see what happens. It’s really the only option. I would sooner just adopt her but that just sounds like some Woody Allen shit. These picks got me in a funny position. I should really google her age before I continue…hold up (googling)
Oh wait…she literally turned 18 a few weeks ago. That makes this slightly less terrible. it’s still bad cause, let’s be honest, she’s a child to me no matter how old she is, but at least it’s not illegal. Again, i just wanna clarify that she is way too young for me and, in reality, i would never ever even consider it an option. Not to mention, her dad might be my age so imagine how grossed out she’d be by all this. Let’s just move on and forget this ever happened…

F/M/K: Reading Novels-Learning Languages-Watching Soccer

Marry: Reading Novels
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I hate reading. It bores the life out of me. Even before the internet and smart phones, i couldn’t sit with a book unless I had absolutely no other option. That said, of these three choices, it is the one that I could see myself learning to enjoy if I had to. I think what sells it to me is that there are so many options. I imagine if the day came where reading novels just clicked with me, a whole world of pleasure would be opened up to me. I mean, shit, there are millions of books to read. Variety is the spice of life. It would be like having an open relationship…but with books. You fucking nerds.

Fuck: Watching Soccer
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Much like reading, soccer bores the life out of me. I’ve played it. I’ve watched it. It’s slow and tedious. Yes, there are flares of excitement. Awesome things do happen. But, overall, people can blather on all they want to about the beauty and elegance of the sport but it’s not for me. However, I’m a guy who , if forced, can watch most sports. When the world cup comes around, I will often find myself forced to watch some Soccer. If i actually pay attention to it, I can see why people like it. I still think it’s totally boring but I get it. I can definitely see the skill and strategy in it. So, for a night, i could definitely spend the evening balls deep in a soccer match. I could maybe even do a week of it. Just not a lifetime.

Kill: Learning Languages
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I’m just bad at this. I took spanish 2 for 3 years and never passed. My brain doesn’t pick up other language. Strangely enough, i’m great at accents but words, conjugations and all that other shit? Nope. It’s as if my brain just shuts off the second someone starts to teach me anything. It’s too bad cause I would like to be able to sit on the train and understand what people are saying. But i’m not about put all that work into something just for the eavesdropping benefits. whoever picked these three choices is pretty funny and definitely pays attention to shit I’ve said in the past. Well played and go fuck yourself.

Tree’s album “Trap Genius” Streaming!

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I was gonna write some shit today but I’m jet lagged as a motherfucker and can’t put coherent thoughts together. Luckily for me, one of my favorite artists of the last few years , Tree, is streaming his new album on soundcloud. So, that makes for an easy post that involves limited brain power. Attention all bloggers, that’s who you make content!
Here’s his upcoming album “Trap Genius”. If you’re unfamiliar with Tree, I suggest you go back and check his Sunday school mix tapes. #2 , in particular, is one of my favorite albums of the last few years.
Anyway, peep this new shit…

Answers for questions Vol. 227

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Hello there and welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”. Just a heads up, I’m off to europe (and tel aviv) starting tomorrow for some shows so this blog may be slower than usual. I’ll try my best to keep some content flowing but, hey, you never know. Just don’t forget me while I’m gone.
If you’d like to be a part of the “asking questions” process, I’d love you to join. Simply ask me anything. Either leave it in the comment section below or email the question(s) to be at phatfriendblog@gmail.com.
The weirder the better.
Okay, let’s bust this weeks nut…

Hey, as you get older, do you find you have a decreased tolerance for mediocre music? I’m in my thirties, now, and I find that I have zero interest in listening to anything that isn’t Dope (with a capital D). Or, like, at least shows A LOT of promise.

To be honest, as I get older, I find myself caring a lot less about everything. I think you start to zero in on what matters more cause your life begins to gain focus. So, while I used to live and die for this music shit in my 20’s, I’m way more lax about it now. I’d even say I’m more open minded than ever. Things are not as extreme as they once were. It takes a lot for me to be bothered by music. I mean, it happens but , comparatively, I’m like a monk these days. I’m more prone to make fun of someone saying “Dope with a capitol D” than any music I might hear.

How skilled are you at avoiding the following situation? http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blisterfeld&defid=4464494 (that’s the best I could do in finding a specific name for this phenomenon)

Oh, I’m pretty good at this. Been doing it all my life. It more depends on the other guy. I tend to be the first to give way and let the other person pick the direction. But , every now and then, I’ll come across a person who’s the same way and we look like fucking two mimes out there shadowing each other. But, overall, I’m well adapted at avoid this phenomenon.

Have you ever been with a girl who had really kinky, or “out there” fetishes? As an example I once dated a girl who shared that she enjoyed wearing diapers. Not acting like a little baby type stuff, just enjoyed them. Curious what your experiences if any are with having something “out there” like that being shared to you by a significant other. Ive come to realize that no matter what you come up with… It’s a thing for somebody.
You know, I haven’t. I’ve always had a fairly good radar with that kinda stuff. I haven’t dated many crazy girls.I don’t put that energy out there and , when they do like me, I tend to not like them back. Not that fetish = crazy but I do feel there is a little crossover there. It should also be noted that, when it comes to weird fetishes, dudes are the most out there. I’d imagine your average dating girl has many crazy stories of dudes trying to pull some outlandish shit on them in the bedroom. Most likely just forced butt stuff but a dudes sexual dementia can go very dark and very deep.

I was wondering if you even though of making a secret hand shake or phrase for people who read your blog and happen upon you at a shot or some other public place. Nothing to long just a little nod to show respect for enjoying the blog

That’s not a bad idea. People just usually tell me “Hey, I like you blog!” and that makes my day. But a special handshake? Hmm…How bout the blog fan walks up to me and performs a hand job to completion (on me, not themselves)? That would be super top secret and not at all over the top. (please don’t actually do that…especially considering 95% of my readership is dudes with neck beards)

suppose you get abducted by aliens, and they tell you that they will return you to earth but only if you agree to spy for them and help them to conquer human society. would you agree or stay in the alien prison. what if there is a super rapey giant alien squid that has been eyeballing your sphincter in your cell?
I’d honestly probably find a way to kill myself but , if that’s not an option, I’d be that spy. Once back on earth, I’d try to escape or just do a really crappy job at being a spy. I’m very good at mailing in duties so this would be no big problem for me. Worst case, they get annoyed with me and throw me in prison/kill me. At least, by being the half assed spy, I’d be out of prison for a little longer. Cherish the days, brah!

Have you been asked by Rymesayers to sign? Would you consider letting rymesayers distribute/record your albums?
Nope and sure I would. They don’t really put out instrumental music though. But, if they wanted me, I’d be all over it.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 43

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It’s been a while since I doled out questionable advice to strangers. The time is right.
I’m no a doctor. I’m not even a college graduate. But I’m honest and will not pull punches. So, if you’d like some life advice, I’m here for you. A great source of anonymous words of questionable wisdom. If you have questions, send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’ll be our little secret.

Dr. Tony,

I’m curious whether or not you feel like I’ve made the right decision here. I recently had to break up with my girlfriend of three years (my first and only one). I’m in my early 20’s so we were together for a significant portion of my life. The girl I first started dating (up until the third year) truly was my ideal woman/mate. I had full intentions to spend the rest of my life with her.

A strong conviction I have is that I’m adamantly against drinking and doing drugs. That’s why when I met her and found out she had the same views, I was awestruck. I’ve always been against drinking and doing drugs but it’s been further corroborated over the years by friends of mine repeatedly ruining their lives for the stuff (a lot of them, though originally had bright futures, botched their chances for higher education and high-caliber careers, etc.). She was against drugs in sort of a born-again type fashion. She was a real hellion of a depressed teenager: promiscuity, drugs, self-harm, the whole nine yards. She finally woke up from that self-destruction literally when she woke up in a hospital bed after too many drugs. I found out all of this after about 6 months of us dating. It was difficult but I got over it. It happened before I even knew her. So those are our respective reasons for being drug-free.

We continued to see eye to eye for about the first two years. Then college had started to work on her and she was becoming more “open-minded” e.g. she didn’t seem so adamantly against drugs but I still never thought she’d do them (given her past & my feelings on them). As the school year once again commenced (approx. 4 months from the end), I occasionally would get paranoid and ask her if she was doing drugs and remind her that if she was, I couldn’t be with her. She always calmly reassure me that she absolutely wasn’t.

In that last semester, I noticed her definitely becoming more distant. It’d be an hour before I’d receive any texts back. She always acted/said she was tired/depressed (wouldn’t tell me why). I figured we were getting further along in college, we both had our fair share of school-work and work-work. So we were just busy and stressed and that was fine.

Fast forward to the final week. Friday 11/14, I attend her sorority’s formal. She asks if I want to hang out after but I have an LSAT practice test at 7am the following morning. I offer to hang out Saturday night. She agrees. Come Saturday night around 6pm, I start texting her to get plans situated. She tells me she’s tired. I question her being tired at 6pm but think nothing really of it and let her sleep. Sunday morning I ask if she wants to hang out, she agrees and so we establish at 8pm she’ll come to my place. Come 8pm, no sign of her. Come 8:30, I start getting concerned and text her. I start to check her social media to see when she was last on. I call her as I keep checking. No answer. I stumble upon an instagram picture she posted earlier that day. Depicting her and one of her girlfriends in between three guys who are well known drug-dealing scumbags, one of which is shoving his face into her face (she’s laughing in the picture). I call her again immediately and she picks up. It’s clear that I just woke her up. I ask her how she can be asleep. Didn’t she get like 18 hrs of sleep last night? I, of course, grill her about the picture. She assures that she only had one drink and she just met them at a party and talked about music for a little and that there was nothing of it. I’m fuming but I don’t break it off then. I want to believe her. I want to think that this relationship is salvageable. I hope that she’s just got drunk and it was a one time mistake. I’m messaging my friends and explaining the situation. A lot of them are telling me to jump ship. I truly want that to be my last resort. The next week I keep interrogating her but she’s deflects and denies everything (over the phone, she says she’s too busy most of the week to meet in person) . On Thursday, I finally see her in person…with a new addition. Earlier that day, she went out and got this giant-ass, eyesore of a nose ring. Obviously, this infuriates me. All of our conversations after then, she’s being a total bitch. Every conversation, she talks about how drugs really aren’t bad and how those scumbags in that picture aren’t really scumbags. She still keeps with her one-beer story and that they’re just friends she met once. For the next three days, I try desperately to get her to get back to normal (ie not a bitch). I do all these nice things. Take her out on dates. I hope she’s just saying those things to piss me off but of course, I’m still terribly paranoid.

Come Saturday night 11/23, I take her out to eat. Then we go back to her room and finish a movie we started the day before. By the end of it, she’s asleep. I know this is a move that is of much contention, but I felt it needed to be done. I took her phone and started going through it. Despite clear attempts to cover up (whole conversations deleted), every single one of my paranoid thoughts and theories spelled out right there in text messages with her friends. I find out, first of all, that over the summer, she would hang out and smoke pot with a guy friend we both had in high school (he was more her friend than mine. I stopped talking to him once he became a burnout). That was over the summer, too, ie no school, very little stress. With the school year, I find out that she was going out all the time. I find out that she was drinking and taking adderall regularly. I find out that on that Friday w/ the picture, she got drunk, smoked five cigs, smoked a shit load of pot, took a bunch of adderall, and snorted a line of vicodin. All of which, she got from the guy who had his face shoved in hers.

At this point, I’m wigging out and she wakes up. I demand that she explain each individual text to me. She calmly spouts out a lie for each one. Which I then proceed to completely dismantle with another text. This goes on until she finally gives in and tells a little of the truth. (That’s when I find out exactly what she did that Friday). I also find out that following Saturday, she went to that guy’s apartment with her girlfriend from the picture (I don’t buy the latter part). She claims that they just got drunk, but I’m certain there’s more to that story. I can’t get any truth from her unless I show undeniable proof (which usually is in the form of texts, her social media, etc.).

Even know after the break up, I’m still terrified over what I don’t know. Like I said, I was completely dedicated and devoted to this girl, knowing now what she was capable of is just horrifying. She claims that I was trying to control her too much. She says that my paranoia and “controlling nature” made her feel like she wasn’t in a relationship, which in turn made her want to rebel more. Since the break up, she’s been completely unmoved. She was completely unaffected by it. Within a week, she was on tinder. Within two weeks, she already has a new boyfriend. I still spend hours pouring over what exactly was happening when I was kept in the dark. As I see it, she was deliberately lying to my face for six months. Going behind my back and hanging out with other guys. On top of that, she was doing drugs which is a non-negotiable for me. The mother of my children will not be a druggie.

Am I being irrational here? Was I being too paranoid and controlling? Was I right to leave her? Should I bother attempting to rekindle later down the line?

Wow dude.
FIrst off, this is the longest letter I’ve ever gotten. Like…wow dude.
Okay, lots to cover here.
While your anti-drug and drinking stance is honorable it’s also heavy handed. It’s fine for you to want that for your life (and smart too) and it’s also fine to seek that out in a mate. But you’re obsessed with it, concerning this girl. Yes, she lied about doing drugs. She’s in the wrong there. But she lied about it cause you’re so crazy about the subject. It’s her body. It’s her life. SHe’s young. Now, I don’t wanna make light of drug use cause I don’t know this girl and how far down the depths she could fall but, in general, people in college party and have fun. From the sound of it, you’ve written off anyone in your life who’s ever partied in the mildest manner. It just comes off as judgmental and overbearing. We’ve all had friends get into drugs and get fucked up. I’ve lost a few friends to overdoses, just like most people. But you’re overwhelming obsession with it and your black and white thinking is going to drive anyone way who has even the mildest interest in doing drugs or drinking away from you. Like, take me, for instance. I’m not a drug guy. But reading your platitudes on the subject made me roll my eyes at times. So that’s one part of this. Yes, you are controlling and extremely judgmental. So, to a girl under your thumb, that will feel oppressive and get old very quick.
Secondly, we have your relationship. I’d say the distance and eventual break up is due to a few things.
1)You were too controlling
I know you did it for reasons you think are right (keeping her sober) but , in the end, it just sounds like your were projecting your values on her and if she couldn’t follow your rules then she wasn’t a person of any worth to you.
2)People change
You guys met over a common bond. She had a rough patch in her teens. She grew up. She went to college and probably realized “Oh wait…some of this stuff is actually fun”. Sure, that can be a dangerous way to think but , the thing is, you can’t do anything to change that. She’s gonna do what she does. She has free will. All you can do is decide if you want to be a part of that life or not. Clearly, You should not be.

You have a high moral ground you stand on and look down upon people from there. It’s fine and dandy but don’t be shocked when people (especially college students) start telling you to fuck off. I think this girl was not for you. She does things you don’t approve of and you seem like a very “my way or the highway” kinda dude. So, it wasn’t going to work. Honestly, you need to find yourself a nice christian girl who’s never smoked a cig in her life and is a virgin. maybe that will be enough. But just know that if you keep shoving your morals down peoples throats, often, those people will rebel. I don’t even know you and feel like you’re judging me. Live you life how you wanna live it. But it’s not your job to change other people. Work on yourself instead.

I would like to bring up a topic that needs reviving: the slut eye. Is it just me or is there an epidemic among a certain type of woman under 35 to throw the open for business look in all pictures? Power to them, i just dont have the time or patience to perfect the glare. I would also love to bring up that the slut eye has produced a side genre of the psycho eye. This is where in pictures some girls try to smile so big and make their eyes so intense that they come off insane. Ive spoke with a few european guys (german, french, romanian, english, spanish, admittedly only a couple or few of each, all seperate occasions) that all happened to bring up american women look very thirsty smiling so damn big and insane. I guess my question is have you seen the slut eye become more rampid or is it simply the norm now? Also, does the psycho eye read as desperate to guys like it does me? Or am i just struggling with my own resting bitch face tendencies?

I’ve always contended that slut eye (I prefer “Whore eyes”) is something you’re born with. Some girls have it and some don’t. Sure, girls can try and make it happen but it’s the naturals that really hold the key. The fucked up thing about whore eyes is that it’s actually just someone who has a face that seems warm and inviting. Most of the girls I know who have whore eyes are sweethearts with no outward intention of bedding every dude they meet. In fact, Whore eyes can almost be a problem. It’s a sexiness that, as a man, you can’t put your finger on and as the woman, you can’t turn off and on. It makes men think they have a chance when, in fact, they really don’t. They see that look and equate it to what you’re talking about in pictures. The fake bedroom eyes girls do in selfies and whatever. But, for a select few, that’s just how they look. All the time. It’s like resting bitch face but the opposite.
So, to answer your question, I think people trying to give slut eyes is definitely more of a thing now than ever as social media is everything to us. But the people who actually have those eyes? Its always been a select few. They have the power and they don’t even know it.
As for the psycho eye, I feel as though that translates more in person than in a photo. In pictures it just comes off as a girl smiling very hard. Which doesn’t give me feelings one way or another.

Hey, what up Tony.
So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month and we click really well. I really like her a lot. She’s very attractive and good conversation. Pretty great sex.
There is one problem though. Her pussy stinks. I’ve run into this a few times over the years, and it can be a deal breaker for me. Mainly cause I know how delectable pussy can be. I’ve smelled worse, but certainly better.
What the hell do I do here? I mean, going down on a girl is one of my favorite pastimes. I don’t know if I can stay with this girl.
Any ideas? I feel like a shallow sonofabitch.

Damn son. That’s one of those tricky problems that there isn’t a perfect answer for. Perhaps figure out WHY the pussy stinks and go from there? Is she unwell? Does she not clean? Is she extremely hairy? Does she not know how to wipe her ass? In my experience, those are the culprits. But if the puss just has a naturally bad odor to it…that’s just shitty. There really is no right way to approach this. Can you imagine telling a girl you like that her pussy stinks? I’d rather jump out of a window.
So, yeah…the best I can do it try and find if there is a reason for the stench and go from there. Who knows, it could be an easily fixed problem. I actually feel bad for the girl. But, then again, maybe her pussy stink is like bad breath to people with halitosis. It’s like they’re the only ones who don’t realize they have a mouth like a bum died in it.

I’m a dude, and I started going bald at 19, then reach basically George Costanza level by 22. I’m otherwise fairly confident with the way I look. I’m average height and athletic. I can pull off a shaved head, and keep it that way.

Going bald that young was really devastating though, and I think much different than starting after 30. People in that age range are especially brutal about it. There is discrimination in social and work environments. Both girls and guys feel like they constantly need to make harsh jokes or comment on it. Sometimes just approaching a girl (that I have no interest in) with a simple question, will get an eye roll or fuck-off attitude because they assume I’m trying to chat them up. I have thick skin, but all that shit starts to build up over time. So I got used to wearing a hat out in public, so I could carry on with school and work.

Fast forward a few years, and nothing’s changed. My problem now is that I usually meet girls with the hat on, and don’t know how or when to break it to them. I’ve had some girls just ask me straight up “what’s in the hat?” the first time we’re out together, I show them, and then things either move forward or don’t. It’s just more awkward to bring up on my own, without feeling like a magic trick or business transaction. I don’t want to be unfair and surprise anyone at the wrong time. What can I do when I’m interested in someone I just met, someone I’ve know for a while, or if someone is asking me out?

I’m sure some people will read this, and just think “don’t ever wear a hat, problem solved”, but unless they faced these same circumstances during the same years of their life, it may be hard to imagine.

Bro, I can relate to this deeply. My hair is no picnic either. I started losing it around 20 too…not anywhere nearly as fast as you though. I still have hair left. To have the constanza at 22? I can’t even imagine.
There really is no right answer. I think us balding people look at our hair like it’s an STD. Like we wear that hat but , eventually, it’s gonna come off and the truth will be revealed. So, might as well tell them before hand. It’s a no win situation cause the girl is either in or out on bald dudes. some girls care, some don’t. The older you get, the less they care but still, can you blame a girl for preferring a dude with a full head of hair? I think about how shallow I can be as a man and it’s only right. It sucks but it’s how it is.
You say you can pull of a shaved head. That’s great. That means you’re better off than bald dudes who can’t. Often just rocking that look with confidence is enough. Not to mention, facial hair doesn’t hurt either. A dude with a bald head and not facial hair may think he looks like bruce willis but he actually looks like charlie brown.
All I can really say is you gotta be charming. Be an awesome enough guy that when the hat comes off, she’s already into you. That’s all you can really do. Trust me, I could write a book on the neurosis of losing your hair. It’s the worst. There is nothing worse than talking to a girl at a bar, with a hat on, than her grabbing at it to put it on her head, only to reveal your shameful truth. It’s brutal. So, yeah man…I feel your pain deeply. I hope you have a good personality and meet one of those girls who doesn’t care as much. They definitely exist.

Uncle Tony’s coloring book is now available on Bandcamp!

blockheadcoloringbook
So, about 6 years ago, I made this album “Uncle Tony’s coloring book”. It was a limited edition album. Only 5000 cd’s were pressed, no Vinyl and very little digital availability. Well…guess what? I just uploaded to band camp so you can own it in it’s digital form. Only $8. What a bargain!
While you’re there, don’t forget to buy my newest album “Bells and whistles”, which dropped a few months ago. Some old, something new. Something borrowed (sampled, actually) something blue (Not sure what’s blue but I’m sure you can make something up).

Biters Welcome

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“There’s sign at the door ‘no biting allowed’ ”
“you got to have style and learn to be original”

These are two quotes from my youth that were pretty much the rule book for rap music for as long as I can remember. It was the late 80’s when both these quotes were said and it set the stage for the next 10 years. What followed was a mixture of people going out of their way to sound like no one else and the people who tried to make careers sounding like other people. For the people who went the original direction, it led to all sorts of funny styles that didn’t age very well. As great as they were at the time, Das Efx’s diggity iggity nursery rhymes and Akinyele’s “lower my voice at the end of each sentence” styles are no fine wine. But, hey, they tried and I will always appreciate them for that. Not to mention, at the time, that shit was awesome. The other side of things fared ever worse back then. For every Das Efx, there was a Mad Flava (that’s a group, btw) who kinda just went with the flow of what other rappers were doing. Onyx came out and , shortly after they had success, Da Hoodratz came out and failed miserably. Hell, even RUn DMC shaved their heads and started yelling. So, biting and people recycling other peoples originality has always been a thing. It’s not new now and it will go on forever. But, with that in mind, there is a different take on it now than there was 20 plus years ago. Where Originality and authenticity were once of paramount importance, those two things really mean nothing anymore. In fact, if you even stress these two things , a 22 year old will look at you like “why is this still an issue, grandpa?”. This is clearly a generational thing. I suppose I’m from generation X. It’s gross to even think like that but I don’t know what generation I fit into otherwise. Gen X were pissy, hated everything and sulked a lot. We were/are a negative group. Sure, we had the things we loved and all that but, in general, it’s a group of people who kinda question everything , to a fault.That’s why the music of our generation was angry. Gangsta rap, grunge, metal. We were the “get out of my room , mom!” of generations. Now you have millennials. This is a generation raised entirely on the internet. They’ve never not had the world at their finger tips. While I remember rotary phones and cassette tape walkmen this generation has been watching gaping asshole porn since they were 12 and can’t imagine life before texting.
Through things like music and basketball, I find myself around many millennials more than I’d imagine most people my age are. One thing that’s I’ve noticed is that they’re a an astoundingly positive bunch. It’s almost invigorating to be around them at times. The mentality is very much “Yes we can!”. They’re legit looking forward to what life has in store for them. I suppose you could say that about most youthful people in the last 40 years , as they haven’t been beaten down by the realities of life. But, looking back at my friends and I when we were that age, we were still fairly negative in many ways. With this new group of people, I feel as though they’re just more open minded then we ever were. I’d imagine it’s all a part of how people raise kids now. When I was a 20 year old, I was a snobby rap purist who would judge anyone who listened to a puffy record. People back then were so dedicated to their “thing” that you could walk by anyone on the street and know exactly what they were into. Oh, see that guy wearing those comically baggy jeans and that funny t-shirt? He’s a raver. Oh, look at that girl with her hair up in barrettes, wearing doc martins, and dyed hair? she’s a riot grrll. Etc…People went out of their way to carve out their own identity (even though, in reality, they were followers just as much as anyone else). I wanted everyone who walked by me to know what I was into it. Now it’s like everything has been smashed together and niche’s have become fainter than ever. Hip hop heads and emo kids don’t look very different. Someone who looks like Ed Sheeren might have encyclopedic knowledge of the Dipset. You ask someone what kinda music they like that you’ll often hear “I like everything” And they’ll mean it. They fuck with Beyonce, One direction, Fiona apple , Cheef Keef, Aesop Rock and Death grips. I feel as though that open mindedness is one of the best and worst things about the new generation. It’s the best cause it limits the snobbery I so willingly embraced in my youth. But it’s the worst cause , if we like everything, there is no quality control. Which leads me back to the idea of originality or authenticity.
There is a large portion of people nowadays who put no stock in either of those two things. Their argument is good music is good music. I agree with that to an extent. Did the clipse really sell all that coke? Of course not. If they had, they wouldn’t need to rap nor would they be rapping about it. But, they’re good enough rappers to take a tired subject like selling coke and make it interesting. Then you got someone like Rick Ross who’s whole image is a drug boss but he was a corrections officer and is clearly 100% full of shit. He’s not a particularly interesting rapper but he’s got a good ear for beats and knows how to make a song. That’s his strength. If he came out in 91 talking that shit and got exposed, he would have never been heard of again. But, in the late 2000’s? Not a problem. His lack of realness is shrugged off the same way a wrestling fan will when you tell him it’s fake. He knows it…he doesn’t care. he’s in it for the entertainment. I can’t even be mad at that cause , in the end, music is entertainment. If it entertains you or makes you feel a certain way, it’s done it’s job.
I don’t know why i did this but I recently downloaded Drake’s new mixtape. I think I was just like “I need to understand this”. If not for my own enjoyment, for sociological reasons. I realize drake is a divisive character. All the basic bitches (men and women) love him. That’s a given. As open minded as millennials are, his name still manages to incite rage in some people to comical effect. People who are into the more fringe aspects of music, in particular, can’t stand him. If I were to post something positive about him on my Facebook page, I would expect a huge backlash from those types. At the same time, there’s an air of “If you don’t like drake, you don’t get it” from the more hipster side of things. Personally, I don’t think drake is a bad rapper. In fact, he’s solid. Great voice. He knows how to use it. He’s a pro. I don’t wanna bump his shit but that’s really neither here nor there as I’m almost 40. It’s clearly not for me. I used to think he was the worst. His love songs were ear AIDS and any male listening to them alone needs to take serious stock in themselves. But, when the smoke clears, he can actually rap. So, I download this new album and it’s kinda what I expect. Some terrible love songs mixed in with songs where he’s talking shit. I’m always gonna be drawn to those shit talking songs so I focus on that when listening to this album. What I came away with is that Drake is a good rapper who is completely unoriginal . On one track , he raps exactly like Jay-z on “heart of the city”. On another he raps like a more relaxed version of Young thug (Which is actually more listenable than Young Thug). The thing is he pulls it off cause people allow him to. He also pulls it off cause he seems to fall so perfectly in the middle. He’s just good enough and just boring enough and just catchy enough to hit chords with so many different people. He’s a rapper whose entire career has been people saying “He raps like _____” but, at this point, he’s a bigger star than any of the people he was once compared to. Sure, Jay-z is a billionaire and only slightly less famous that Obama but, musically, his relevance is waning. Same with Lil Wayne. Well,He’s more Wayning, AMIRITE?!?!. But Drake is still at the top of his game and his fan base is as dedicated as ever. He’s like the male Beyonce in that respect. If you’re a fan, he can do no wrong.
As unoriginal and inauthentic as Drake may be (his thuggish posturing on songs is truly hilarious and the fact other rappers who are actually from the hood and had tough lives let him do it is mind blowing to me), the public has spoken. It’s way bigger than drake. It’s an open arms to everything. I know I sound like I’m being negative but I’m really not. Sure, I wish this new generation could be more discerning about what they put in their ears, eyes and mouths but , in reality, it’s not my job to dictate anything. My generation is already old and irrelevant. The best we can do is try to understand. That or just roll are eyes and lament how these kids today really needed more spankings and less hugs. That too.

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Some Early Works

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I was rummaging through my I-tunes on an older computer recently and happened upon a playlist of old beats. This is nothing unusual as my I-tunes on that particular computer was basically a graveyard for such things. Beats I made that people used, that people didn’t use or that I used for my solo stuff. Pretty much all these tracks but in their earliest form. Not mixed, recorded directly off my sampler. I figured it might be fun to give a few away , as they aren’t doing much in that playlist just sitting there. So, here we have some tracks. Some will be familiar (Older aesop tracks, a despot track, Illogic tracks, A cage track , random remixes I did) and some are beats that we’re “claimed” by artists but never got used. So, for all you completion obsessed nerds out there, a few of these are gonna be your shit. For you normal people, it’s just some free beats to listen to. You know, music.
Like I said, these are the ebats as rappers who would get them from me heard them. Straight off the sampler, on to a beat cd (it was that long ago). So, enjoy…

https://www.sendspace.com/file/5tncrd
(cause there is often confusion with these download sites, click where it says “Click here to start download from sendspace”. Pretty simple. If the link goes down, lemme know and I’ll re-up it.