Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 40

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Hello all and welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. That’s me. I’m not certified to drive a car, let alone fix peoples personal problems but I’ve been told I give good honest advice. You are strangers, therefor, I have no horse in this race. All i can do is tell you what I think is real. So, if you have any life questions, send them my way. Leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com it’s 100% anonymous and no one will know it’s you. What a perfect deal for both of us!
Anyway, here’s this weeks questions…

Yo Dr. Tony,

So, there’s this cute girl who works at the coffee shop bakery near my house, that I really want to talk to. Problem is, she’s not a barista, she works in the back (I think she bakes cakes, and shit), and she’s always rushing back and forth from the bakery to the front.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure she’s at least interested, because, even though she appears to be in a rush, she ALWAYS makes lingering eye contact with me and smiles. Even when I’m not looking in her direction, I can still see her eyeing me. So, I feel like she’s giving me an invitation to talk to her, but, not the time to actually do so. And the way this coffee shop is set up, if I were to jump out of my seat, I would knock over everything around me. Not to mention the fact that she’s working and that’s super awkward, anyways.

Seriously, I’m at a loss, here. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

This is actually something I can relate to as I worked in what sounds like a similar bakery/coffee shop for like 8 years when I was younger. That behind the counter life is interesting. I will say that meeting customers and hooking up with them is never easy. For one, you’re at work. It’s bad business to just start hitting on someone who patronizes the establishment. Flirting, however, is never a bad idea (and great for tips).
However, as a customer, it’s just as tricky. If you misread her cues, all of sudden you’ve made it awkward and pretty much have to find a new coffee shops to go to. In my experience, the over the counter hook up is very difficult and takes one of the people just throwing all their cards on the table. This means, you either gotta just put yourself out there or not. You gotta casually slip her your number or tell one of the other people who work there to do it for you. Either way, it will be humiliating.
Honestly, the most ideal thing would be to run into her outside of the coffee shop. Not to be a creep about it but if you can find where she hangs out, this would speed the process immensely and not force you to throw it all out there while she’s at work. Also, seeing people like that in normal life will give you a much better idea of what she’s feeling towards you. For all you know, she’s just a friendly person who makes too much eye contact.
I recall , when I worked at the bakery, there was a cute girl who would come in all the time We’d small talk and that was it. I saw her out at a bar one night , drunk as fuck, and flirted with her harmlessly. The next week I was working, she called the bakery and asked me out. That was some bold shit. I’m saying, if a girl can do that, surely you can do the same (assuming the signs point to that being a good idea).

Dear Dr. Block

This might be a super simple issue but I need your honesty for this.
So, about 2 months ago I was with a good friend (we don’t hang around a lot but I really value him as a person, we talk about some deep issues and shit) and long story short, he told me that he liked the same girl I liked before I was about to tell him the same thing. That resulted to me shutting up and actually trying to force these two to be together for the rest of the summer. The thing is, the girl wasn’t really into my friend, the whole situation didn’t work out and she actually started talking and hanging around with me more frequently despite me being a bit more distant than usual.
Other details:
I am really into this girl. I seriously like her a lot.
All three people will live in different cities next year.
I am a decent listener + we don’t really flirt = I might just be her friendzoned psychologist or whatever.
What should I do? Should I ask my friend if he is ok with it and go for it? (I think I am for a holiday+skype kind of relationship) Should I tell my friend my whole story regardless? Should I move on?

Thanks in advance.

You need to walk up to him, put your hand on his shoulder and say “Listen man, your bitch chose me”, and walk away.
just kidding. But wouldn’t that be amazing?
This is tough. It’s a shitty situation to be put in entirely cause he mentioned the girl first. If he had waited and you aid it first, none of this would happen. Funny how that works. Anyway, I’m a fan of just taking a deep breath and discussing it with your friend like a fully realized adult. He tried and failed. You allowed and even serviced that failure. If he’s an even remotely decent person, he’ll understand. If he gets all salty and this effects your friendship, he’s petty bitch and will need to just get over it. Men laying claim on women they are yet to even know to be possible matches is corny to me. Dating is a very “every man for himself” kinda thing. Sure, you don’t wanna step on peoples toes if they’re obviously hooking up but to take yourself out of the running cause the other dude simply likes her? It’s a nice thing to do (and you did the honorable thing by falling back in the first place) but it’s not part of the game.
It should also be said that, if you had any concrete idea that this girl was into you, it would justify this whole thing much more. From the sound of it, you’re taking a risk even trying. You guys don’t even flirt? That’s fucking weird. You’re really swinging for the fences trying to convert this crush into something more but, hey ,if that’s what you want to do, might as well see what happens. Maybe you’ll strike out too and it will bring you and your friend even closer because of it. Brothers in failure.

Dr. T,
Long story short, after I graduated college, I lost touch with all of my friends. It’s been a while and I don’t really see us ever hanging out again. I have a girlfriend and she is my best friend but I also really need some guy friends. Like bros who I can talk about bro stuff with that a gf won’t always understand. My questions is, how does a guy in his 20s meet dudes to hang with and how do you reach a point in hanging where you can share bro-feelings (different than actual feelings, you know?)?

This may be the first time someone saying “long story short” actually delivered on the promise. For that, I thank you.
Hmm…I gotta say, I find it strange when anyone doesn’t have friends of their own gender. How does one lose touch with every one they know from high school and college? I still have friends I know from grade school and little league and I’m nearing 40. I suppose you moved away and that was that?
This is tough cause girlfriends and friends are different things entirely. It’d be nice if they weren’t but they are. You 100% need buddies. Not just for the outlet of human experience but cause it’s gonna be hard to have a healthy relationship when the only person you interact with is your girl. That’s just begging to be a co-dependant relationship. It’s also gonna give you a serious lack of perspective on things. We all need multiple outlets.
Now, your question is pretty much the story line to “I love you, man”. I can’t really say there’s a clear answer here. Join a sports team? Bar league softball maybe? I don’t know what you’re into but take an interest you have and seek out like minded people. You like video games? Go find some video game nerds. You like reading? find a book club. you’re a drinker? Find a local bar and immerse yourself in it. Basically, find a hobby that enables you to be social and take it from there.
I gotta admit that this is a really hard question for me to relate to. I’d lose my mind if I didn’t have multiple friends outside of my girl. And Im sure she feels the same way. It’s very crucial. You need to live your own lives.

Do you ever dream with any of your exes? Whenever I do it’s always with the same ex and it’s fucking weird now. I don’t dream with any of my other exes just him.. I dated him my sophomore year of high school for like two months. I was his first girlfriend, really liked him. We broke up tho cause I was a shitty girlfriend to be honest. Years after though we kept cool. We’d talk to eachother on facebook n stuff. Hung out with him, maybe a year or two ago and it was super awkward, I was super quiet, we didn’t really talk and we haven’t talked since ha! I seriously don’t know why outta all my exes I only dream with him. Its starting to freak me out, at first it was like “aw” now it’s just plain weird haha. What do you think it is?

Sadly, I rarely remember my dreams so my ex’s don’t really come into play.I’d say they more pop up during random daydreams. Like, a memory will flash into my head then disappear. Stuff like that.
I’m not a dream specialist (obviously) but maybe this guy keeps popping in your head cause you feel guilty about things went between you guys. You claim to have been a shitty girlfriend to him. Maybe that shittiness left a mark in you for some reason. I mean, the obvious answer is that you still have feelings for him on some deep seeded level but I don’t know. You see like you’re not exactly pining for the guy. He might just represent that era of your life and , for some reason, your brain keeps going back to it. Or, maybe, you guys never closed the deal sexually and your brain is telling you to call him up, have an awkward convo with him, meet up and have even more awkward sex with him. You never know! Try fucking him and see if the dream stopped. Worse case scenario, you have some bad sex. Life goes on.

Demo Reviews Vol. 58

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Hello and welcome to another edition of demo reviews. it’s been a few weeks but I’m back in the depths of hell.
Before I get into the regular business, I just wanted to make a public service announcement pertaining to this column. Over the past month, i’ve gotten a handful of complaints ,from people who submitted music, about the harshness of the reviews. Mainly, the issue is that I’m not giving enough constructive criticism or telling people how to improve their music. Well, to those people,I need to explain something. “Demo reviews” is for entertainment purposes. At no time have I ever said this was a workshop for bettering peoples music. I’m not a teacher. In fact, my opinion is a shitty one to take in the first place. It’s for that reason, when I open submissions, that I warn people. I tell them “If you’re prone to getting butthurt about things, this may not be the right move for you”. I’m not here to pull punches. I’m here to give my honest opinion. An opinion, I might add, that has clear likes and dislikes. I’ve been doing these for 3 years now and this month is literally the first complaining I’ve ever gotten. so, as to nip that right in the bud, I say this: Stop it. I don’t wanna hear it. You submit your music to me, you’re opening yourself up for criticism. That’s the point of this entire thing. I realize that we all think what we make is special and above judgement but it’s not true. Trust me, I know. i’ve been putting out music for 15 plus years and have been shit on the entire time…just like everyone else who does music. So, if you’re a person who’s demo i have reviewed unfavorably, I’m sorry but I’m also not sorry. Don’t take it to heart. i’m just one guy and i like what I like. My opinion is no more credible than you’re homeboys except I don’t know you so I can say what I really think. Also, learn to take the good and the bad. Don’t be that broken artist who only hears the negatives and overlooks the positives. That’s just short sighted and on some “woe is me” shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that. That’s all. Basically, stop complaining when you get what you ordered.
Anyway, demo reviews work like so…you send them, I review them. I write a small blurb about my thoughts and then arbitrarily review them from 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

That’s it. Simple stuff. Also, i’m not accepting demo submissions right now so don’t send them. When i need more, I will let you know.
This weeks got some good stuff in there, so that’s nice. Let’s check it out. and vote for your favorite at the bottom.

Artist:Furbie Cakes
Song: Vacation Trees


This is pretty good. It’s an interesting mixture of instrumental hip hop with a slight trap drum edge. The song evolves very nicely and I’m impressed with the attention to detail. Very solid, altogether.
Production:7.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:7 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist:Y-Crafty
Song:Where I’ve been


I got a few problems with this one. For one, it’s not a song. It’s a beat. There’s no major changes in it and it just kinda goes on in the same way with minimal movement. Secondly, I’m not a huge fan of sampling well known songs. That’s just me but I always think it’s lazy (unless you do it specifically to flip that song on it’s ass). Thirdly, and this is some nitpicking techy shit, I’m listening to this in headphones and the pan on the drums is weird. Kicks are to the right and snares to the left. It’s not that big a deal but I’d say maybe pull them both a little more towards the middle in the future.
Otherwise, it’s not a poorly made beat but it’s pretty uninventive al around.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Jack Wilson MC
Song: Gargamel


This is solid. Nothing mind blowing but all it’s parts are working nicely. The rapper is good. Can’t say i’d seek out more of him but he certainly is holding up his end. The beat is cool and has a perfect vibe for rapping on. I don’t love the key change sounds a bit clunky though. I appreciate the attempt though.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Prince Naeem
Song: Written me off


Cloudy!
I kept waiting for something else to kick in the beat. That little teaser bassline has a real blue ball effect. Otherwise, the beat is okay. Minimal in a not great kinda way.
As for the rapping, he’s fine. Definitely has a good presence. He also sounds very high. Which makes sense considering the hook is something only a high person would make. I’d advise against editing that down a bit. No one needs to hear that for 12 bars in the beginning of the song. 4 bars is enough.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Wonge
Song: Wonders


I’m a sucker for some well executed big band samples. It’s actually really hard to sample that stuff and not have it sound like Zoot suit riot. The beat has a lot of promise. I get that it’s on purpose but I woulda loved some drums to come in and maybe even a switch up. But, as is, it’s cool. It just coulda been much more than cool.
The rapper is good. I like what he’s saying and his flow is tight. His voice sounds a hair uncomfortable but that will get better with time.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5,5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Dirty Porcelain
Song: The chase


Okay, so this is a tough one to review cause there is tons of potential in here. yet this is just kinda sloppy and misses at moments. I get that the samples and drums are supposed to sounds choppy but it doesn’t sounds quite right. There’s good choppy and there’s unrefined choppy and this leans more towards the unrefined side of things. There also a change around the 1:05 mark that is ,tonally, a little questionable. Outside of that, I like where this producers head is at and think he/she could get really good down the line.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Alan Ward
Song: Glitch Spin


I just see the word “Glitch” in a song title and I think “ughh…here we go…”. That said, this is not what that word makes me fear. It does take FOREVEr to get anywhere remotely interesting. When the synths drop around halfway, it’s the first moment of “Oh, this might be a song”. Then they vanish and some quiet flutes come in. I dunno. This just seems kinda bareback and unfinished. even with the arbitrary bassline flip at the end (which is the best part of the whole song and might as well be it’s own song, to be honest)
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Cognitive Genesis
Song: Blame me


Nope. Sorry. Nope. It’s not even your fault, dude. This just isn’t ready on any level. It’s recorded in a mine shaft (or on garage band using the laptop mic). The beat is a mess off bad sounds and kind aimless. The rapper might be good…i can’t tell. The mix makes him sound like a mumbler. At points I hear decent flows pop in but, in the same way, I hear just parts that get pretty sloppy.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:2 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: C Money Burns
Song: High Tracking


This is the kinda thing that, if I was in a car, and someone played it for me, I’d be like “That’s pretty cool!” but never wanna listen to it on my own. It definitely speaks to my 1980’s sensibility. Its well made and I could see girls loving this shit. Can’t really diss it on any level, unless it’s all just one song sampled and looped at different points. In which case, it’s still fun just far less creative.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist: SMRT
Song: Buzzsaw


I’m old, man. I hear this an recognize the rap skill but I can’t help but just hear someone aping what’s popular right now. Even down to how he presents his name and song title. That said, it’s not badly done at all. all the parts work for what they are. The beats kinda annoying but it’s well made and the song, in general, is mixed nicely. It’s just so clearly riding wave , it takes away from it for me a bit.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:2.5 out of 10

So, What do you think?

Yay or Nay: Remy banks

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I’m not gonna lie, I literally found out about this dude yesterday when Earl Sweatshirt Tweeted about him. So, let me start this all off by saying I don’t know much about him. I know he’s down with Queens based collective “Worlds fair” , who’ve been putting out solid music for a while now. But, outside of that, all i can say is that the song Earl posted is kinda my shit. So, with that as my guide, I looked into more music by Remy banks. Turns out he’s got a bunch of it. It’s definitely more laid back than I expected and he’s a fan of weed. Not that those things are a bad thing at all, just an observation. Now, this is just a guess but I feel as though the first song posted (that’s the one earl tweeted) is newer and , in general a better look at where he may be going stylistically. If so, I’m all for it. Not that the other shit is bad or anything but that new one…it’s just seems more developed. Either way, I’m feeling his stuff.
So, I’m curious to see what you think.

What do you think?

Answers for Questions Vol. 209

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Helllloooo guyz. Welcome to another edition of “Questions for answers”. You ask, I answer. Simple. If you’d like to ask me anything, go for it. Email questions to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Just try your best and be creative. If your question feels like something everyone would ask me, skip it and gimmie something I can work with. The more weird, the better.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

not that it’s your fault or anything, but I seem to have reached a place of musical despair. I’ve been playing most of my life, and been listening to Hip-Hop for over 10 years. I play more than 5 instruments, make beats on my MPC 1000, sing, and freestyle. I know I’m good, and I love the music I create. Yet certain life events over the course of the past few years (namely heartbreak and being chronically underemployed broke, and depressed) have left such a bad taste in my spiritual mouth that it’s even soured the once-sweet flavor of creating music! Despite my best efforts, practicing or even just making music for the hell of it seems like some awful drudgery that I never have time for. Have you ever encountered this type of roadblock and if so, how were you able to get past it and rekindle the flame?

I just wanted to point out that “listening to hip hop for ten years” cracked me up…Since 2004!!??! Whoa bro!, you’re a veteran in this shit!
I’m so old. Jesus.
Anyway,
I’ve always felt creativity goes in waves. I’ve certainly hit walls where the last thing i wanted to do was turn on my sampler and make a beat. Then, a month later, I’m feverishly making 4 beats a day. A lot of times , being around certain people will kick start you back up. Seeing someone be creative around me , often makes me wanna get back in the lab just off the basis of their passion for what they’re doing. Or, Sometimes, I’ll come back off tour and just really wanna create new shit.
I would say “Don’t force it” but, honestly, sometimes you gotta just start making some bullshit just the get the ball rolling again.
I’d imagine it’s like getting into an exercise routine. At first, it’s gonna suck but eventually you’ll get in the swing of things and need to do it like your life depended on it.
All that said if you lose the passion, you lose the passion. It sounds to me like other things in life are getting you down and it’s just reverberating into your desire to make music. Maybe you need to get the rest of your life back on track before you can really focus on making new music. Some would take that pain and sadness and apply it to their music but we’re all different so, you know, just do what works for you.

I enjoyed you giving away the free music the other day. I was pleasantly surprised to notice you’d done production for some early Mac Lethal stuff. Being a fan of you both, it was cool to check that stuff out. Did you produce anything else for Mac Lethal? Were you hanging out in the same place, or was the collaboration done long distance? How did those sessions come about, and are you actual friends in real life? Do you still listen to him, and do you like his youtube stuff and newer music? Like, if he plays a show in NYC, do you try to check it out? Would you still be down to work with him, if he hit you up? Just wondering. Also, who else would you really like to produce for, if it were up to you? Doomtree? Jean Grae? Riff Raff? Mainstream, more commercially viable rappers? I know this is on some rap-nerd shit, and maybe the type of questions that you’ve answered too much or annoy you, but I’d be interested in hearing your answers.

I worked with Mac back in the early 2000’s. We met over email and he bought two beats from me. That was all we ever did though. I’ve met him in person once (at scribble jam in 2001 or 2002, I forget). The collabo was done entirely via mail and email.
I’ve been peeping his youtube vids for a while and it seems things are going really well for him, which is cool. He’s always been a nice dude and working with him was fun. I would work with him again for sure , if he hollered.
As for other rappers I would produce for…there are tons. Pretty much anyone I’m listening to at the moment. Underground rappers like Michael Christmas, homeboy Sandman, Your Old droog, Ratking, Shirt, Vince Staples, Earl etc…
On a more mainstream level, I’d love to do some shit with Gunplay (it’ll never happen but that would be awesome), Freddie Gibbs, Pusha T and Mystikal.

So you’re deserted on an island, who would you rather be stranded with: Mila Kunis, Bob Saget (he has an iPod that never dies and has eversong ever on it), or Bill O’reilly and his family (Bill can hunt with his hands like no other)?

Mila Kunis by a landslide. How is this even a question?
I think, if I were stranded on an island, my desire to survive would overtake my desire to hear music. Also, Saget is fucking annoying and not funny at all.Making small talk with him for years and trying to play the music I wanna hear would be worse than sitting in silence.
And, clearly, even if he’s a great hunter, ain’t nobody trying to hang with the Bill O’reilly family.
I’m sure Mila and I would figure something out. Or not…and We’d die but, hey, maybe that’s better than living on a deserted island for the rest of my life.

This is an elaborate confession leading up to a simple question: I am a grown man and I piss sitting down about 90% of the time. Here’s my reasons/explanation for how this came to be: (1) I am almost 6’5″so it’s a long way down which requires more clean up than your average man, I’ve lived with a few women in my life and they tend to complain if there’s a mess (2) I drink really heavily and nightly I always have, this contributes to the first problem as my aim is impaired so there’s more clean up, also by the end of the night standing for an extended period of time can be a chore in itself (3) I HATE using public urinals, even when I’m drunk there’s nothing more uncomfortable than standing a foot away from another dude with our dicks out and it’s completely silent. I think all public restrooms should have Slayer blasting. (that would also help me out as I’m not really into listening to dudes taking a shit) So I get what they call “bashful bladder” (which makes it sound extra pussy), I know a lot of dudes get it at the urinals cuz I’ve even done the stand off/game of chicken: where I know the dude next to me is having the same problem and he just flushes and leaves without urinating, (boom, I won) now I get to piss in private…shitty game. So I’ll usually use a stall to piss or my favorite is at some of my local bars they have the single bowl ladies’ room with a lock on the door, I usually know everybody so no one gives a fuck, but every once in a while a girl gives me a shitty look when I come out and I’ll make a snarky comment like “sorry, I thought the picture on the door was a dude with baggy shorts.” I’m pretty open about this subject and people in bars even enjoy when I break down why I “pee like a girl.” (being really tall and covered in tattoos add to their amusement I think) So what’s up Block? You ever get bashful with your bodily functions, or are you an “anywhere anytime” guy?

Hmm…If this were about shitting I would understand. Hell, if this was about peeing in those places that the urinals are just troughs I’d be like “No doubt”. But all your reasons for pissing sitting down are kinda weak. I mean, you’re 6’5”. You really think those extra inches of height make it that much more difficult to do what EVERY MAN on earth does? I think the key here is the drinking. You get shit faced and piss all over the place. Every time I’ve walked into a public bathroom and see piss everywhere and wonder “What savage did this?”. You are that guy. Just do people a solid and flip the seat up.
As for the shy bladder thing, I get it. That’s not uncommon. And , really, if you’re more comfortable peeing sitting down, do it. It’s your life. Don’t let me or anyone else tell you how to evacuate your bladder. But, also, accept that people might clown you for it. Whatever though…you’re 6’5” and covered in tattoos. I’m sure people will let it slide just on account of that.
As for me, I can pee anywhere. I’m not crossing streams with bro’s but if there is a urinal or a quiet street and I need to go, I will go. I’m a little more selective with #2’s. Touring has forced my hand a few times but, ideally, I try and not shit in most public bathrooms…cause guys like you are out there pissing all over everything.

You were living in Manhattan during the late 80’s, right? How true to the yuppie culture is American Psycho?
I was but I was also pretty young. Can’t say I was paying much attention to yuppies back then. That said, from what older people have told me, it seems somewhat realistic. I would actually argue it hasn’t changed much except the hedonism is less out in the open. Wall street is still packed with super rich, young assholes who do coke and fuck tons of low life women. The difference is now the clubs and restaurants are different but it’s all the same shit.The dip shits who buy Bottle service at clubs have always existed in some form or another.

on the cover of “Interludes” there is a partially cut-off poster on the wall stage right from the TV set. You can see the letters “ilkins”, a basketball goal, what appears to be half of a car, and then “alley”. Since the artwork seems so specific, is this based on a real poster and if so- on what?

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It’s a dominique Wilkins poster from the 80’s and , yes, it was real. He was my favorite basketball player when I was growing up. Hell, he’s to this day my all time favorite player.

Was Forest Crunk meant to be an instrumental song or was it created with the intention of Aesop rapping over it? Can you explain the back story behind it not having any lyrics?

It was just a beat. Aesop was making the Daylight Ep and he wanted an instrumental interlude. My memory is foggy but I feel as though he was working on one of his own and wasn’t liking it. I was sitting on the Forest Crunk beat and played it for him. He liked it and added it to the album. There was definitely never an intention to rap on it though. It was also my first real “instrumental track” I ever made. It was the song that popped the idea in my head that I could maybe make instrumental music.

DId Sir Jarlsberg make the craziest posse cut of all time? Yup. He did.

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So, my old friend and former Party Fun action Committee partner , Jeremy Gibson, has been doing a character known as Sir Jarlsberg for a while now. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s hard to explain. He’s a rapper/minstrel/entertainer from the days of yore. He raps about things like going to the market, the beauty of rivers and various dance steps. His first album , “Hark thou” was pretty much the “Low end Theory” of Medieval hip hop. His new album “Come Hither”, drops in a few weeks and he just leaked a song off it. This song…wow. I can honestly say not rap posse cut has ever featured such a wide variety of talent. Aside from his rapping chums (Dj Forlorn Maiden, Mingus, Sir Richard, and The Steed this song also features the likes of Lateef the Tru Speaker (Lateef), me (as the gnome), Aesop rock, Kimya Dawson , Baby Dayliner and Jeremy’s father Jon Gibson (who is a highly regarded wind instrument player who’s played with Philip glass and others for years). That’s a pretty fucking crazy line up.
Also, I did the beat and it’s silly as fuck. So, check it out…

I’d also say that, if you live in the NYC area, come see Jarlsberg’s live show cause it’s absolutely insane. I’m serious. It’s impossible to not have fun. It’s at Union pool in BK on October 29th.
If you’re curiosity is peaked, check out some older videos/music of Sir Jarlsberg’s right here:
http://phatfriend.com/2012/08/15/the-sir-jarlsberg-album-has-arrived/

Rogglecast 24- Loosening the jar

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This week, Pollyne and I are joined by a special guest, Aviva Yael. She’s a writer, blogger and known person about town. We play a game of “Fuck/Marry/Kill”, give Aviva the Guest survey and discuss poor dating instincts. We also get to hear Pollyne speak Portuguese , which sounds pretty cool and funny at the same time.
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Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 39

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Whattup everyone. Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. however, as always, I must remind you that this is not meant to be taken seriously. If you find it offensive, just know that I am well aware that I have no right to fuck, marry or kill any of these things/places/people. The only reason I don’t do men is cause it would be a three way tie for who I wanna fuck the least, every time.
So, yeah, lighten up. Also, if you got some creative ideas for Fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. I can’t stress the “creative” part enough. Get wild.

F/M/K:Scarlett Johansson in Ghost World, Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation, Scarlett Johansson in Match Point

Marry: Scarlett in “Lost in Translation”
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I gotta say, these options are pretty obviously laid out. Each character represents a different side of sweet sweet Scarlett. In the case of “Lost in translation” she plays a under appreciated young wife. She’s thoughtful and in love but her husband is Giovanni Ribisi, so…you know, nuff said. Her character is pretty much written as the perfect wife. Even though the whole movie is about her finding a common bond with an older man , forming an emotional connection with him and (SPOILER ALERT) kissing him in an almost platonic way. She only does it cause her husband pushed her to it. I can get behind that. She’s okay in my book.

Fuck: Scarlett in “Match Point”
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Simply put, she’s just a hot little sexpot in this movie. There’s nothing more to it. To be honest, I had a friend tell me about her in this movie and , whenever it’s on cable I just check to see if she’s on screen. If she isn’t, I change the channel. So, in a sense, I’ve “seen” this movie about 20 times but never from start to finish , yet I have a faint idea of what it’s about. Basically, I’ve perused it much like I would an old porn VHS tape. From what I’ve seen, she looks amazing in this movie. So, this choice is fairly easy. Fuck fuck fuck.

Kill: Scarlett in “Ghost World”
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This is early scarlett. I’m not even sure she was over 18 at this point. I remember watching this movie and barely even noticing her. She wasn’t yet there, which is a good thing cause she was a child and I don’t need those guilty thoughts on my conscience.
In the movie, she plays a husky voiced girl who is drifting apart from her quirky and somewhat irrational best friend. Honestly, the thing I remember most about her is her voice. She’s a baritone. Add that to the underage thing and it’s an no brainer.
Side note: I do feel bad “killing” a teenager but that’s the name of the game.

F/M/K:Words-“Basic”, “Hipster”,“Selfie”

Marry: “Basic”
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I love that this word means what it means. For so long the world has needed a single word that could cover so much ground. A catch all generalization. Most people are “basic”. Meaning simple and uninteresting. They go along with whatever happens around them cause they’re too dumb or self involved to even bother questioning things. The only downside of this word is that it gets used by everyone so freely it’s become one of those words that will eventually lose it’s meaning. Kinda like hipster. Everyone is basic to someone else. Somewhere out there, a juggling drag queen , physicist who owns a bait and tackle shop in the himalayan mountains is being called “basic” by some salty hater who, in all reality, it’s probably pretty basic.

Kill: “Selfie”
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Obviously. We, as a race of humans, are the worst. Selfies represent many facets of why we are the worst. Now, to be clear, I’m not even that bothered by them. In fact, if you’re a hot girl, don’t ever stop taking them. Just know that , as pleasing as they can be to the eye, they do speak of a silent desperation, desire to be liked and loneliness.
Beyond the actual seflies, the term “selfie” has become like the word “literally” in it’s misuse. It now means any picture taken by anyone of any number of people. I think as long as someone is holding the camera and taking the picture of themselves and whoever else is with them, it qualifies as a “selfie”, which makes no sense. That’s like calling an orgy “masturbating”.

Fuck: “Hipster”
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I don’t really know how this one lands on “fuck” but it’s pretty much by default. I feel as though Hipster is no longer a useful term cause it means everything and everyone. Basically, If you’re a person between 15-40 and you pay attention to anything involved in the pop culture stratosphere in the slightest capacity, you are a hipster. I’m a hipster. You’re a hipster. Your dad might be a hipster. Clearly, it’s not a select group like it used to be. It’s also turned into a derogatory term for any one who someone feels tries too hard…which is ironic considering that actual hipsters, by nature, are all about trying too hard. They’re all about being the first to know about something and, in general, being ahead of the social curve. You know who the real hipsters are? Crazy right wing separatists. Mark my word, when the the economy collapses and shit starts hitting the fan, they’ll be the ones in their homemade bunkers like “I was about this revolution lifestyle , like, forever…”

FMK: Andie MacDowell, Frances McDormand, Mary Steenburgen

Kill: Frances Mcdormand
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Even though she’s , by far, my favorite actress of this bunch , I’m still a flawed and shallow man. I don’t want to kill her. Not even a little bit but in this fucked up game, there always has to be one. As talented as she is, she’s just not someone I would ever want to put my penis inside (I’m sure the feelings mutual so i don’t feel that bad). This is 100% based on physical traits and I’m ashamed…but i’m also not a liar.

Fuck: Andie Macdowell
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I can’t say I’ve ever been too attracted to Andie Macdowell. She’s made a career of being the sweet and relatable pretty southern lady that dates dudes in their 40’s. As a man inching towards my 40’s, I suppose it’s time I submit and just accept that Andie macdowell is a good pull for an older man (or, I should say, the Andie Macdowell of the 90’s). She’s certainly not an ugly lady. She’s very pretty in that “I don’t care what her vagina looks” kinda way. There’s a definite lack of sexual oomph from Mrs Macdowell. But, hey, if she’s good enough for Steve martin and Bill Murray (in movies), She’s surely good enough for me.

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
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Check this out…She’s low key kinda hot. Very low key. Look at the pic above. I bet you didn’t know that whole thing was working like that, did you? Not only that, as a wife, she seems like she’d be amazing. She’s sweet, warm and just looks like how I imagine a wife looks for an older man. She’s one of those older women who , as a younger man, you never even consider as “attractive” cause they’re so much older than you but, as a full grown adult, i can see it. She’s a sneaky one.

F/M/K Asia, Africa, Europe (the continents, not 80s bands)

Marry: Europe
europe-english-teaching-abroad-map1This is a fucked up one. I should note that I don’t create these options. They are sent in from readers.
So, yeah…I’mma marry Europe. Why? Cause I’m of european descent , I’ve been there a bunch of times and it makes sense to me. I’m sure there are a grip of you out there fondling your lame dicks to the idea of marrying Asia (cause you’re asia-phile creeps) but, to me, I’m all about comfort and simplicity. I may not understand what people are saying in many parts of europe but, for the most part, it still feels like planet earth to me. The signs are in english letters (Except far east), the food is amazing and varied , and the women are just like the food. I dunno if i could ever truly live in another country but , if I did, it would undoubtedly be somewhere in europe.

Fuck: Asia
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I really don’t have a deep desire to go anywhere in Asia. Not saying I wouldn’t, but there’s nothing in me that’s dying to get out there. It should also be noted that I’m also not a person who loves traveling. I do it so much in my normal life that the thrill is gone. That said, I’d do it. So “Fucking” asia makes perfect sense. I’d be most excited about the food cause, let’s face it, asian food is pretty much the best. Other then that, I’m far too much a creature of comfort to ever truly feel at home out there. I had enough trouble feeling chill in eastern europe , let alone a continent with like 100 billion people who don’t speak english and are constantly on the go. Admittedly, I’m the selfish asshole here and i bet the continent of asia is fucking amazing but, hey, no ones perfect.

Kill: Africa
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This one is just setting me up for a backlash. It’s a lose/lose.
I just wanna clarify that Africa is the mother of civilization and , in many ways, the most important continent in earth’s history. None of us would be here without Africa. But this isn’t about history. It’s about the reality of what place ‘d want to marry, fuck or kill. I have ZERO interest ever going there. I’m simply just not that kind of adventurous dude. Some people want to explore foreign lands and experience other cultures. Me? i just wanna eat good food and take it easy. I mean, perhaps if I was a wild life enthusiast or something but, I’m not. I think that Africa is just place that doesn’t speak to my personal interests. All the good things about it are things that don’t really excite me as a destination. Also, civil unrest and disease are not my bag so, regrettably, I would have to kill africa.