Too much ass? Say it ain’t so.

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I haven’t done a nice rant in a while so forgive me if this is all over the place. Lots of things to compute right here…

Remember the “latin craze”? If you’re under 23 you might not. This was a time during the late 90’s/early 2000’s when , all of sudden, any and all things latino related became cool in the eyes of mainstream media. Marc Anthony was killing it. Ricky Martin reclaimed his Menudo glory. J-lo , who is both a terrible singer and awkward dancer, was praised for her singing and dancing. It was as if the illuminati had sent a letter to the 7 jew bankers who run the world that read “Hey guys, latinos are the new thing…make it happen!”
Or how about the late 90’s boy band explosion? That was when the Backstreet boys blew up and , in a wink of an eye, every remotely not ugly , mediocre singer from florida was shaved down and placed in a group with 4 guys just like him. Forced to dance and sing to teenaged girls about deep love, even though they most likely were about 29 years old and into some pretty fucked up things , sexually.

With popular culture, there are always these phases. They come and go and are typically replaced with something even more trite the next time around. It’s only a matter of time before someone does a song about giving hand jobs , it becomes a hit and , all of a sudden, we will be inundated with songs about giving hand jobs. It’s a follow the leader mentality at its finest. It’s gotten to the point where you can spot the beginning of the trends.
Right now, we’re in an ass renaissance.Sir mixalot was the man who set the wheel spinning and it has found it’s way into 2014 at break neck speeds. The powers that be have shaken their magical 8-ball and it landed on “ASS”.
Nicki Minaj Busted it open with her video about her ass. An ass, I might add, that is both insane and as real as unicorns. (side note: I REALLY wanted it to be real. I think a lot of us did…but it just can’t be. Sorry). I never thought ass implants would be a real thing that non-crazy people did. But, that’s where we are. Ass implants. Fake asses that are not really that frowned upon. Kate moss wept.
Today I watch this new J-lo/Iggy azalea video and I’m basically feeling like it’s the opening scene of a porn where the girl dances around in front of a pool right before it cuts away to her on a couch, reevaluating her life choices on camera.
Listen, I’m a fan of ass. I love it. But , dare I say, it’s almost too much?
I think the thing that gets me about this video (other then there is a scene where oil is dripping on the basically bare asses of two of the most famous entertainers alive today) is that it makes me feel like “Wow…it’s come to this…”. Lemme explain. J-lo’s booty has been a thing of worship for about 15 plus years now. She’s been known for it and has rode that wave for as long as I can remember. With that in mind, there was always an air of mystery to it. She never would REALLY give up the goods on film. Her older videos would show flashes of it. But never anything you could really sink your teeth into. It was almost as if dat azz was not meant to be seen as much as it was there to tempt the imagination of young men everywhere. It was the lochness monster of asses. Flash forward a decade plus and the stakes are no longer the same. Gone are the days of paparazzi photos of J-lo at the beach, giving us a voyeuristic look into this famous ass for a brief flicker of time. Now, it’s on display. And, it’s not only on display, it’s covered in baby oil and shaking directly into a camera for a what seems like hours. Now, it should be noted that J-lo probably looks better now than she’s ever looked. She’s a freak of nature. But I gotta think that this exposing of her holy grail ass was not something she totally wanted to let go. No, I think it’s more a “keeping up with the joneses” kinda thing where Minaj basically put all female singers on notice like
“Listen, we live in a fucked up world where we are judged by our sexuality, no matter how talented, rich and/or powerful we are. So, I’mma just go balls to the wall and do an entire video about my ass. Your move, bitches…”
What else could J-lo do? Well, I mean…I suppose she could just fall back, not make any more music and enjoy the millions of dollars she’s made over the years. Perhaps take a vacation with her young boyfriend. But, that’s silly. She’s gotta work.

It kinda reminds me of how every disney girl reacted to Miley Cyrus becoming the thing we know now. You can bet every aging disney/nickelodeon hoe on earth was checking their contracts the second the video for “We can’t stop” dropped. In this instance, I’d liken J-lo to Taylor swift.
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In her essence, Swift is an asexual country singer who is more likely capable of human sacrifice than she is dancing on beat. She’s definitely said “ewwww…” when looking at penises before. But, country wasn’t enough and all of a sudden this poor girl is forced to try and become sexy and urban. Her hand was forced. It was a real “shit or get off the pop charts” moment for her and she did it. She shit all over the place. In J-lo’s case, that jump was to throw all mystery out the window and just bare it all.
I realize it sounds like I’m complaining. I’m really not. Seeing all this ass is a blessing for any guy out there who’s into that kinda thing (And I am into that kind of thing for sure). It just makes me wonder how far this will go. Clearly, tits are always in vogue. But 2014 is ass time. The sexuality of these artists is being pushed to such a point that I wonder what the landscape of music will look like in ten years. Will there be videos of billion dollar earning singers straight up blowing dudes between verses? How much more can this elevate?
I really don’t know what the ceiling for this will be but one thing is for sure, the huge space between “becoming a super star” and “becoming a porn actress” is lessening by the minute. Between these videos, sex tape leaks and stolen photos…shit is gonna hit the fan for real in the very near future. On the bright side, we get to watch it all happen. But, on the other hand, we also get to watch it all happen.

Demo Reviews vol. 56

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Hi there and welcome to another edition of “Demo reviews”. You sent them in and I judged them like an asshole. That’s how this works. Although I’m not accepting demos right now, I will be soon so keep an eye out of that announcement next week.
Anyway, the review work like so: i give a brief write up and then arbitrarily rate the songs from 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

That’s about it. Let’s peep this weeks dump.

Artist: Nati
Song:Lekcija iz perspektive


This a light a breezy little jam. It has an strong air of “Made in europe”. I know that, considering the song and artist title, that’s obvious but musically it’s very much the type of thing I’d expect to hear in a cafe in dusseldorf and I’ve never been to dusseldorf.
It’s not really my thing ,taste wise, but it’s perfectly fine for what it is.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist:odS
Song: Aliens approaching manhattan


This reminds me of one of those 8-bit songs but it’s not 8-bit. It’s a little grating on the ears. The break downs that aren’t the high pitched synths parts are okay but it all takes to long to form and , once it does, it’s still not really taking me anywhere particularly interesting.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Kirby Howarth
Song: Granddad Joe


This is one of those curious songs that i wonder how/why it was sent to me for a review. It’s so far out of the wheelhouse.
That aside, it’s very well recorded, the singer has a cool voice (sounds like beck on “Sea Changes”). The song is nice. I dunno…i don’t listen to this kinda stuff. It’s adult contemporary music. I know I’m an adult and I try to stay contemporary but, i dunno…this is not for me.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Tzee-Gun
Song: Tobin iz malu


This is pretty cool. Laid back but it has a nice urgency to it. I like the stuttering drums and the whole song moves along nicely. I’m not crazy about the instrument that comes in around 2:50. Sounds like a corny electro pan flute. I OD on flutes in my music but even I draw the line with pan flutes.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Wolrafxela
Song: Rescue


Weird. First off, the beat is pretty mediocre. It doesn’t bring anything to the table that would make me want to relisten to it. The rapper is a curious case. Good voice and he sounds confidant. Problem is, his lyrics. If feels as though, at times, he’s just freestyling. So, basically, if he tightens up his written lyrics, he’ll be good to go. Even though he leans on that “breathless” style that I hate ,at times. Stop doing that. It’s a really shitty way to rap.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Casey okane
Song: Digital dream


I know putting this kind of effect on your vocals seems like a good idea but it’s not. It never is. If you’re not the beastie boys in the 90’s, don’t do it. I’m glad it goes away but it gives a bad first impression. The beat is okay. It’s well made but, musically, isn’t hitting me in any way.
The rapper is adequate. He can rap but sounds like 85% of the demos I get. Not his fault…this is just how most underground rappers sound like.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Stereoma
Song: Thought you should know


Another band? What the fuck is going on here this week.
Okay, it’s a rock song. It’s okay I guess. Well recorded. The singer sounds like could be in an 80’s band.
Listen, It’s not like i don’t have the power to have opinions on new rock music I just honestly don’t care about it much so it’s hard for me to give a review that will give any insight worth hearing.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Retros finest
Song: hip hop pervs


Don’t think i didn’t notice you used those Jay-z drums, bro.
Kinda lame. The rest of the beat is decent. The song is put together well and sequenced nicely.
The rapper is like a good rapper who’s doing all the wrong things. He raps on beat and has an okay voice but his accent sound forced and his lyrics are super lazy. With some work he could be good. Sounds to me like he’s just gotta find himself as a rapper.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Shaggy Rogers
Song: Jekyll Hyde


This could very much have been a song I woulda bumped in the mid 90’s that I recorded off an underground radio show. Problem is, it’s 2014. That said, I actually like the mellow jazzy beat. The rapper is good but just has a very dated style and some dated similes.
This is a song trapped in a time capsule but, on the right side, there’s tons of people who still like this kinda thing and it’s well enough executed to be enjoyed by those folks for sure.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10
So, what do you think?

Yay or nay?: Clipping

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Weirdo rap has evolved a lot over the last few decades. Once upon a time it was guys like Freestyle fellowship or latyrx, then it shifted into outsider stuff like Anticon and the later project blowed guys. There was a lull in weirdo rap in the mid-2000’s but with the emergence of groups like Death grips (who I don’t really care for) and shabazz palaces (Who I think are dope) it would seem people are back to wanting to take risks with how the present their rapz. In the case of Clipping, we got some bugged out tracks featuring a guy rapping in a somewhat traditional way (i mean, he’s not using a strange voice or rapping off beat) but what really jumps out to me is how he’s using the visual aspect of music. I can’t even front, the videos are what first got my attention. Just really creative shit. So much so that I’m not 100% sure that I’d be into this had I not seen the videos first. So, I’m curious, what do you think of clipping? Get you vote on below the videos.

So, what do you think?

Answers for Questions vol. 204

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Hi there, I’m here reporting live from a raddison hotel in Fresno California. It’s about 289 degrees outside so I’m pretty psyched to be here. Also, shout out to all the people who have come to see my shows. San Diego, L.A. and S.F…you guys kicked ass. I hit colorado later this week , as well as Austin. Check the dates on my Facebook page is you live in either of those places.
Anyway, this is another edition of “Answers for questions”. You ask, I answer. If you’d like to be a part of this, please, send me questions. Either email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. I accept both with open arms. Let’s dig into this weeks batch.

What’s your stance on music piracy.  More specifically what if someone downloaded all your music, but then still went to see you live?  Would you consider that bad form either way or is it something that doesn’t really bother you.  I’ve heard touring makes the most money so I was curious.

I think it’s safe to say most artists who are from my era feel the same way about piracy. We don’t like it but there’s also nothing we can really do about it. We were around during a time when record sales actually mattered (and paid bills for us personally) so the jump into a an era where that’s pretty much impossible for any artist not on the radio, is a bummer. That said, it’s the times we live in and sitting around complaining about it is pretty futile. Acceptance is unavoidable if you want to continue with making music.
Because of that reality, musicians have to bank on touring as a means to get paid. It’s just par for the course. I can honestly say that if I made enough money off music to not tour, I probably wouldn’t do it much. Simply cause I hate traveling and I’m super content just being home all the time. But , I don’t so I tour and it’s totally fine.
As for the second part of the question, coming to my shows is exactly what I want people who steal my music to do. It’s literally one of the only benefits of people pirating your shit. I’ve had people come up to me at shows and had me $40 like “hey man, I stole all your music so heres some money for that”. While that’s is kind aver the top and unnecessary , it is pretty cool of them. But, yeah, coming to the shows makes a difference for sure. Let’s be honest, for an artist like me, an album is pretty much promotional material for my live show. It’s backwards and crazy that that is how it is now but , hey, fuck it…that’s the world we’ve created.

what’s the most ignorant and belligerent you’ve ever gotten? i hesitate to use the word gangster bc it implies violent crime… but what’s the most gangster shit you’ve ever done? where you really abandoned any pretense of giving a fuck and got straight disrespectful. or straight gutter if it went that far. i’m mild-mannered, but i’ve surprised myself a time or two w the shit i’ve done. so it’s always fascinating to see other mild-mannered ppl break character, right or wrong.

Sadly (or thankfully, depending how you look at it) I’m a very careful person. I always have been. I’m not reckless at all and think about consequences for all my actions. Because of this, I haven’t done a ton of bad shit. Off the top, I’m drawing a blank of anything that would even begin to classify as gangster. I suppose there was that time I was with a friend in connecticuit at his family’s country house and we went around the neighborhood breaking into peoples houses and eating food from the fridge’s then bouncing. But I was more just following my friend. Trust that I was having a panic attack the entire time.
There was another time in high school where i got so drunk at a party (It was actually at Uma Thurman’s little brothers house) that I vomited out of a window, looked down and realized I just puked all over a parked police car. Luckily, they weren’t inside it though.
Also there are all those times I murdered people. Can’t forget about those but, you know, whatever. Shit happens.

You’re a musician who makes a living creating and performing his work. Even though you’re not über famous or rich, you seem to have a loyal fan base, you do things your own way, and you’ve been at it for years; I think that’s a pretty objective metric for success. However, I’m curious, how do you view your own career? Do you see yourself as being successful?

I’m pretty happy with where I’m at and what I’ve done. Sure, being wealthier and more stable would be nice but I actually like my level of notoriety. I can go anywhere and no one knows who I am. My “fame” doesn’t infringe on my day to day life and that’s ideal. The majority of people I meet in real life have no clue what I do. Hell, a lot of my close friends have never even heard ante of music I’ve made and that’s pretty cool to me.
The bottom line is that I get to make money doing something that’s fun. That in itself is a victory. The only downside is the longevity. Who knows where I’ll be with this in five years and how long can a guy really make the kinda music I do? Aside from those fears, it’s awesome though.
Keep i mind, I’m writing this from a hotel in Fresno right now.

These following questions really means well but it is a shit storm of cliched questions i’ve been answering since the early 2000’s. So I’mma breeze through them speed round style.

How are ya, man?
Fine. My allergies are acting up but life will go on.
What are some of your biggest influences in life?
Satan, mostly.

How did you become such a down to earth, funny, caring, and simply being yourself?
I’d guess my mom raised me right? Also, being an emotionless robot actually makes a person come off as fairly humble and good natured.
Who are some of your biggest influences and why? How are or were they as people.
You asked this one already…like two seconds ago. What’s the better with you, bro?
What’s your favorite candy if you like candy?
I like gummy bears. But I also like chocolate stuff. Skor bars are very underrated.
How often if ever do you smoke weed anymore? I know you don’t get along with it and I recently found out the same.
I never smoke weed.
Where do you like to travel most and why?
San Francisco. I got family there and , in general, I like the vibe. It’s the city I’ve spent the most time in outside of NYC by a landslide.
How many records do you go through
on average for a 3 minute beat?

I listen to tons of records cause it’s all trial and error but I’d say I use at least 7 or 8 different samples on every beat I make.

Have you seen Bobbito García’s “Doin’ It In The Park”? …any thoughts on it?

In addition, Do you have any favourite films/documentaries about basketball?

I have and I enjoyed it. I dunno if it’s actually good or not but the topic is so near a dear to my heart that it’s impossible for me to not be into it.
As for basketball movies, Hoop dreams is obviously the GOAT. But “Soul in the hole” was good too. The ESPN 30 for 30 about the pistons is excellent. I could watch that kinda shit forever.
For non-documentaries, my standards are incredibly low. I’ll watch most movies if they have even slightly realistic basketball in them. For example, I’ve seen Coach Carter probably 40 times. I’m also willing to be I’ve watched “Finding forrester” more than anyone else on earth. It just be like that sometimes, I guess.

my question is what message are you sending with your blog banner of the fat girl with her skinny friends

fat people suck? fat people deserve pity.

i’ve been a fan of yours for 15+ yrs, but dude, that image pisses me off

Yeah dude (or ma’am), my message is that fat people suck. Obviously. What are you talking about? My blog is called “Phat friend”. That’s a picture of a bunch of friends, and one of them is fat (phat). Is it mean? I guess you could see it that way. But it’s not a statement on fat people. It’s just a picture I thought was funny and went well with my blog title. Would it make you happier if I photoshopped my face on her? If i knew how to do that, I’d do it in a second. Cause it would be hilarious X10.
Basically, if this kinda thing pisses you off enough to make a stink about it, you are either too easily pissed off to read this kind of blog/website or bored. I can’t control what offends other people. if this bothers you, that’s unfortunate but , like all things on this blog, it’s not that serious. In fact, that picture is probably the least serious thing on the entire site. It’s a joke. JOKES. Picking you battles is very underrated and I think, in general,people on the internet would be much happier if they didn’t let outrage over something as pointless as the banner pic on my dumb ass blog effect them in any way.
Side note,
I have no issues with fat people and plan to be one in the near future.

Fuck/Marry/Kill vol. 38

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Hi there! This is exactly what it looks like. A simple game of Fuck/marry/kill. As always, i am forced to preface this column with a reminder that it’s not that serious. It’s shits and giggles. I’m not here to belittle the female sex. The only reason I don’t throw men in the pot is cause I don’t want to fuck them all equally. Except Clive owen. He’s the man.
Anyway, These are all reader submitted options. If you’d like to give me some ideas, feel free to leave them in the comment section below.

Fuck/Marry/Kill, the body-mod edition: a girl with (huge) ear gauges/ a girl with a pierced corset / a girl with a (permanent) grill

Marry: Permanent Grill
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This is a tough one cause I’m really not into any of these things on any level. But, of the three, I find the grill the least gross so it wins strictly based of that. It would be no different than marrying a girl with adult braces except the added embarrassment of having that “Yeah, my wife had a permanent gold grill…” conversation over and over again. Physically, it doesn’t irk me. It’s just I feel as though a person who makes this life commitment is a cornball and that might wear me down. But, whatever, it’s better than a person who creates an open anus on their ears or whatever the fuck that corset thing is.

Kill: Pierced Corset
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I’m a squeamish guy when it comes to certain things. While I probably wouldn’t flinch at seeing a person punched in the face of hit by a car, seeing things happen to skin grosses me the fuck out. Seeing skin pulled like how that picture above shows it, makes my balls feel funny and it’s simply not something I can look at for very long. I recall playing a show once where they had people hanging from the ceiling but their skin via hooks and I almost barfed every time I walked by it. This would be a no go for me on every level. I simply don’t have the stomach for it. Also, what’s wrong with you, girl? Take those fish hooks out your back! Call your father!
I’m simply not about that fetish life. At all. Ol’ meat and potatoes ass dude.

Fuck: Huge Ear Gauges
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Let me first clarify, I fucking hate these things. I hate how they look. I hate how I imagine they smell (buttholes). The bigger they are, the worse. I legit have been turned off by them before to the point where I’ve seen an insanely hot girl with them and it was like she might as well have been a man to me. Look at the girl above. Perfectly cute. But, those things kill it. So, if anything, this is more of a statement of how gross that pierced corset thing is to me. But, i suppose, I’d have to fuck the huge ear gauge girl. Not in her ear gauges. Holy shit…that would be insane. i wonder if people do that? You know what? I’d bet my life that there are people out there who fuck the holes in other peoples ears. I mean, if there are dudes making love to each others peeholes (look it up if you wanna truly ruin your day), surely a handful of people have boned the huge hole in another persons ear. Barf.

F/M/K:soy sauce – mayonnaise – hot sauce

Marry: Mayonnaise
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Fuck yallllllll! I love Mayo and I don’t care what you think. If the food is savory, it will generally work with mayo (obviously there are exceptions). It’s creamy, tangy and , back when I was a single man living alone, literally the only thing in my fridge.
My love of mayo is probably the whitest thing about me , outside of my skin color. Some people love ketchup. Some love mustard. Fuck that noise though…I ride for mayo. I wanna make songs about Mayo the way Jay-z did about Beyonce. It’s that real.

Fuck:Soy Sauce
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The thing about soy sauce is that it’s very specific. It only goes with very certain foods. but, when it works, it’s the perfect sauce. I’m a guy who loves me some salty things so , you throw some asian food in front of me and I’m dumping soy sauce on it like it’s on fire. Hell, when I was kid my mom used to buy bricks of tofu (I lived in one of those healthy households that never had sugary cereals). I would take the entire brick of that flavorless shit, dump soy sauce on it and eat it like it was a steak And, you know what? I’d do it to this day.
But, like I said, soy sauce is not an everyday thing. So, I fuck it. It’d be some good , salty brown sex though.

Kill: Hot sauce
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This one will very likely go down as my least popular choice in the history of fuck/marry/kill. I know how seriously people take their hot sauce. I know how much some people hate Mayo too. But, alas, this is my show and I get to make the choices. Straight up, i don’t give a shit about hot sauce. When I do use it, I tend to lean heavily toward the least hot ones possible. I love me some vineger-y shit but I’m not a fan of eating food that hurts. That burning you guys like so much? Nah, B. It doesn’t add flavor for me. It just makes eating food slightly uncomfortable. I do like when my sinus’ get cleared but, in general, if I have a choice to eat anything spicy or anything mild, I go mild every time. I prefer medium spice but I’ll take mild over something that makes me feel like I need to drink a glass of milk. I realize there are endless types of hot sauce and I actually do like it at times…but, in general, thats at the bottom of the list for me as condiments I crave. Sorry to everyone on earth cause I realize how much you disagree with me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Lisa Bonet, Kristen Wiig ,Winona Ryder

Kill: Kristen Wiig
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You know, this is the second time I’ve killed Wiig in this game and it really bums me out. She’s awesome. She’s hilarious and likable. It’s just…I don’t find her attractive. Thing is, she’s not unattractive at all. It’s just a personal preference I have. She’s kinda like a muppet. A hot muppet…but a muppet none the less. It also doesn’t help that her competition are two of my all time favorites from my youth. I swear, one of these days, I will marry her hypothetically…now is simply not that time.

Fuck:Lisa Bonet
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In her prime, possibly one of the best faces ever. Soooooo fucking pretty. She’s getting along in years a this point but she’s still beautiful. But, more than that, this would be a childhood dream realized. As someone who grew up watching the Cosby Show, she was always the one. Rudy was a kid, Vanessa was…Vanessa. And sandra was old and boring. But Denise? Gaddamn. She even was hip and hung out in the village. In fact, it would be safe to say she was way too cool for me but still…all the more reason. You also have to factor in that she was married to Lenny Kravitz. She must have some magic going on to keep him faithful for however many years that was.

Marry: Winona Ryder
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She must be in her late 40’s right now and pretty much looks exactly the same as she did 20 years ago. She’s is a freak of nature in the white woman aging game. Her and Marisa Tomei.
She’s been a favorite of mine for decades now and , honestly, one of the women of my youth that, to this day, is the blueprint of “my type”.
Cute faced Brown haired girls (though she’s a little paler than my favorite type) with curves who are kinda short. That’s my wheelhouse right there. And she’s 100% one of the reasons for that. Shout out to Pheobe Cates though.
So yeah, this is a simple choice for me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill:advice from Dr. Phil / advice from Dr. Drew / advice from Dr. Oz

Marry: Advice from Dr. Drew
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This is a no brainer. I know people hate on Dr. Drew and shit on him for exploiting famous drug addicts but I’ve listened to enough Lovelines to know that he’s not a dumb man. He’s reasonable and actually knows what he’s talking about. He’s a guy who I think actually cares. Sure, he may spread himself thin but that doesn’t take away that he’s been doing this kinda shit for real for around 30 years. I’m pretty sure the other two dipshits offered up cannot say the same thing. Also, my girl is obsessed with him so she’d probably be pretty psyched if I married his advice.

Fuck:Advice from Dr. Oz
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I really don’t know shit about Dr. Oz except that he’s not Dr. Phil and his smile is mad creepy. I know Oz recently cause caught out there for pushing some faulty diet pills (or something like that) but we’re talking advice here. i don’t even know if he’s a real doctor. Maybe he’s just a good listener who failed upwards. Whatever the case is, the level of advice I’d take from him might range from “Hey, is this milk still good?” to “I dunno, do you think it’s too late to order a pizza?”. The last thing I’d ever do is ask some hyper smiley plastic faced man for advice about anything remotely important.
Side note, asking for advice with matters of the heart is bullshit. Not only cause no one ever takes advice but cause we are all our own people with our own nuances. It’s never black and white. It amazes me that we live in a world where “advice” is such a notable thing cause , really, when’s the last time you really took some life advice? Not often, bro. Not often.

Kill: Advice from Dr. Phil
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I feel as though Dr. Phil is a doctor like I’m a doctor. “Ask dr. Tony” is as viable a source of info as anything Dr. Phil has ever put out there. Actually, i might argue my advice is better cause i will never bring god into it and I’m a reasonable person. Dr. Phil is some weird southern snake oil salesman who , I think, gets by cause he looks and sounds trustworthy to stupid people. I dunno…I look at him and see a lonely power bottom waiting for last call at a gay bar but, I suppose, in places where that kinda guy doesn’t
exist, he looks like the smartest guy in your town. Thank god I’m not from that town. I prefer power bottom Phil greatly.

Yay or Nay: The 100s

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Typically, these “Yay or Nay” columns revolve around newer acts but this week I wanted to try something a little different. Here we have the 100s. A bay area rapper who has been around for a while. I’m more getting a “lay of the land” by asking you what you think of him. He’s definitely not for everyone. He’s basically on some straight up pimp shit. His music will not make you think. It will not make you a better person. It does, however, make me kinda wish I could be in california right now , smoking weed (And I don’t even smoke weed). It’s heavy on the funk (particularly the Zapp/roger troutman type) and smooth as fuck. Honestly, liking this stuff really challenges my inner new yorker but this is just some fun music to vibe out to.
So, what do you think? Check out some videos. I have a feeling this is one of those “I love it or I hate it” kinda situations. One thing is for sure, he’s got the best head of hair in the game.

So, what do you think?

Answers for questions vol. 203

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Hey there. Welcome to my monday morning ritual, “Answers for questions”. This is where you send me questions and I answer them. Duh. Some are strange, some are more straight forward. I take them all. If you’d like to join the fun, write me questions and send them to phatffriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below.
Side note, I’m hitting the road with Elaquent, Yppah , Muneshine and Lost Midas starting this wednesday. If you live in the US (or vancouver) peep these dates and come see us:
http://phatfriend.com/2014/06/17/my-fall-tour-dates-are-here/.
This also means that my output of this blog may be a bit spotty. I’ll try my best but , you know, shit happens. See you on the road and let’s peep this weeks quesitons.

How would you define and categorize an internet troll? Specifically, what exactly is a troll and how many different kinds of trolls are out there?

(as in, this comment section seems like one example and then there is the catfishing type of troll, which I think is a different type, but I’m sure there are others…)

I feel as though there are many different types of internet trolls. Too many to really wrap my brain around, actually. But , off the top, we got
1)The contrarian
This is a person who exists online to just disagree with everyone and argue about it.
They’re the people who , when you say anything based on opinion online (could be “Man, don’t you hate nazis!”) will find a way to disagree. In real life, they are also terrible people who hate themselves.
2)The character
This is the person who plays someone else online. And, shocker, that person is an asshole. I’m willing to bet , offline, some of these people are not even terrible but, online, they pretty much just like to push buttons for their own amusement. This type is fascinating cause it’s such a personal, masturbatory thing.
3)The focused troll
This is a person who pinpoints a person or website and makes it their life goal to just fuck with them. It could be a celebrity on twitter or simply the comment section of a website.
4)The bully
I’d say these are the most dangerous. They do typical bully shit but, if they also have some internet know how, they can ruin a motherfuckers life. They might relentlessly harass someone, then break into their private life and expose it for no reason. These people are terrifying.
5)nitpickers
If hyper judgmental moms were on twitter, they’d be these guys. They correct spelling. They correct typos. They just seem to get off on being smug about shit that doesn’t matter. They fucking suck.

Every type of internet troll is a loser. Across the board. Some are way worse than others but the binding force is that they enjoy fucking peoples days up for their own enjoyment with no sense of empathy. So, in a way, the one common thing that connects them is that they’re all a kinda sociopaths…on some level. But, most of all, they are bored losers.

On a scale from 1-11, how much do you enjoy a good shit?

Sigh. This question. You know, there are many questions I have been asked repeatedly over the years of doing this column. The most asked questions are probably “What is your biggest influence?” and “Where did the name “blockhead” come from. but third? This dumb ass question. It’s not really funny and offers no room to be funny. Yes, I love a good shit! How crazy is that?!? I’d rate a 12 if I could, AMIRITE?!?! Poop!
I realize this blog has the maturity level of a 4th grade locker room sometimes but the amount of shit related questions I get is concerning. For all parties involved, myself included.
That said, shitting is awesome and I’d give a good shit a strong 9 out of 11.

Why does the US have so many lawyers???
Probably cause it’s a high paying job and people want to make money. Also, there are a lot of scum bags in the world and when you can’t work on wall street cause you’re bad at math but you still are really good at arguing, being a lawyer makes all the sense in the world. If you think about it, we’re a country of blow hards who won’t ever just shut up so getting into law is only natural for those who can afford the school.

What are some telltale signs that make you aware that a girl is flirting with you?
Laughing at everything you say. Touching your arm when she doesn’t need to. Staring at you too long and often. Fellating you mid conversation while at a dinner party. Deep throating foods while making intense eye contact with you. Asking you if you’d like to go to the bathroom with her. Talking super close to you , to the point where your ear is in her mouth when she speaks.
Any of those things, really.

Block, do you have any friends that you think could really enjoy hip hop if they gave it a chance? How do you go about introducing people to new music? I know from experience that playing it to them at parties is just about the worst way.

I’m much closer to 40 than I am to 30, so my friends musical tastes are pretty etched in stone. That said, I don’t know many people who don’t listen to any hip hop ever. The thing is, no one my age gives a shit. I keep an ear out for new music but I also work in music. For people who don’t, past a certain age, it’s not a priority. Not even close. If I have a friend who’s curious about the new shit I like, I’ll make them a playlist or something but that rarely happens. In general, in regards to putting people on to music, I’ve always been a “you come to me and I’ll play you some shit” kinda guy. Pushing my taste on people has never been my style. I never wanna be that guy who corners people and forces them to listen to what they’re liking. I’ve been in that situation many times and it’s got a very low success rate.

Why is it that you and whoever your partner is choose to name your collaboration albums after whatever both your names are (Blockhead and MarQ Spekt, for example)? Have you ever thought about giving the duo a name?
In my mind, it’s not my album. It’s the rappers album. I just produced it. If we’re a group, then sure. But in the case of Spekt, Billy woods and Illogic, it was just a collaboration. Also, in all those cases, neither of us are big enough names to pull some “madvillian” kinda shit. If Spekt and I had called the album “Blockspeqt” or “Marqhead” , no one would have a clue what we were even referencing. I’m a fan of keeping it simple and
not trying to be all extra about shit.

I can’t remember if you’ve ever discussed the legalization of weed in Colorado and Washington before, so I’m wondering what you think about it. I know you don’t really smoke, but with your tour going through Colorado would you be more inclined to smoke there than in another state?
If I smoked? Sure. But i don’t so this legalization thing means nothing to me on a personal level. I would feel the same if it was legal to publicly shove radishes up your ass. It’s not something I do so it doesn’t effect me enough to care one way or another about it. I do think it’s a good thing in the sense it’s making a shit ton of money for those states and , in general, weed isn’t very dangerous , in my eyes. If anything, at it’s worst, it makes people kinda boring and dumb. but so does daytime television and no ones going to jail for that.