Demo Reviews Vol. 23

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Not gonna lie to you. This week of submissions was preeeeeetty rough. Lots of stinkers up in here. I hope that doesn’t dissuade you from peeping them though. Actually, who knows? For ever person who reads this earnestly with hopes of hearing some cool unknown artist, I’d imagine there’s a few people who simply check it out just to laugh at the musical attempts of others. While you second group are kinda assholes , I understand.
Anyway, in case you’re new to this column, this is where I have readers send me in their music and I review it. so, you know, they asked for it.
If you’re one of those people who , for some reason, wants this to happen to you, I’m afraid the submissions are closed. I’ve got a full queue of songs I still haven’t reviewed so it’ll be a while until I accept new ones. In fact, I’ve been getting submissions from people this past week and I want them to know: I didn’t listen to them. Gotta follow those rules, guys!
So, the reviews are pretty much a brief write up and then I rate the songs on a scale of 1-10 in these categories:
Production:

Vocals:

Listenability:

Originality:
Sounds fun, right? Well, put on your helmet…it’s about to get ugly.

Artist: Mr Boinkin Vs Kritpamystik
Song: Remind the blinded

I will say this. There are a group of people who will LOVE this song. I am not one of them but there is a market for this. Mostly people who are wearing wool hats with political messages on them. The beat is pretty good (though a bit sappy for my taste).
The vocals are also not bad but a little corny. I’d say my biggest issue with the song is that it’s all over the place. Like, what’s going on here? some short vocals, then another instrumental break then that clip of the dude shouting out people? It needs some editing and organization.
Production:
5 out of 10
Vocals:
4.5 out of 10
Listenability:
3.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Train of Thought
song: Are you kidding me

This beat reminds me of some very basic mid 90′s album cut shit. Like half of Big L’s first album had beats similar to this. Now, if you’re into that, then this is great but I always thought those kinda tracks were pretty boring. That said, they execute it well so I’m not mad at it. The rapping just isn’t there yet. Not terrible but lacking any sort of personality that might set it apart from other rappers.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
4 out of 10
Listenability:
4.5 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Pop Gun War
Song: The Magicians

At first I thought this beat was kinda cheap sounding. The drum sounds were fairly amateur but, listening deeper, I seems like that’s what they were going for. There’s some interesting musical things going on but it’s not a pleasurable listen and kinda sloppy (in the sense that it doesn’t really go anywhere). The rapping? It sounds like the MC is actively working to stay on beat. In other words, it’s lacks a natural flow to it. It’s not off beat at all though, it’s just like the dude is not there yet in his comfort level behind the mic.
Production:
4.5 out of 10
Vocals:
3.5 out of 10
Listenability:
3.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Vybemode
Song: Un Holy Shit

Well, that was kind of annoying. I get where the artist is trying to go with this. He wants some heavy, epic shit. Problem is every sound he uses isn’t epic. It’s like if you switched out every sound on this song with a better , heavier sound, it would probably achieve what the artist had intended. Also, I fucking hate this kinda music in general so I’m the wrong guy to be reviewing it. The “hail satan” vocal drop did crack me up a little though…
Production:
2.5 out of 10
Vocals:
N/A
Listenability:
2 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Defi(g)nition Feat. Holy Omen
Song: Sinister Turnstile

First off, that name…you GOTTA change it. Throwing a parenthetical “g” in the middle of your name is just obnoxious.
So, as for the music, the beat is something I’d hear in my nightmares. Loud, abrasive and just not at all something I’d wanna listen to. The rapping is…well…foreign. This is well worn territory here but I have trouble taking stuff like this very seriously. If it was in a different language, i’d be clueless and give it a pass but hearing english rapped in a thick accent is just strange to me.
Production:
1.5 out of 10
Vocals:
2 out of 10
Listenability:
2 out of 10
Originality:2.5 out of 10

Artist: Ayentee
Song: Time Line

Seriously, after all these extra rough demos I’ve heard this week, this one is like a breath a fresh air. From the well crafted , sampled track to the capable rapping. I see the clouds are opening up. So, I feel like I’m reviewing this by comparison.
But, if I may step back from it, the beat is dope as fuck. It definitely is one of those rap songs that’s tipping it’s hat to some 90′s hip hop. No new ground being broke here but it’s nothing if not solid.
Production:
6 out of 10
Vocals:
5.5 out of 10
Listenability:
6.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Right Star
Song: 1986

In the beginning, this has a nostalgic feel to it. Like it’s christmas morning in boringtown. Sorry, I had to. It’s not that bad. It takes a strange turn halfway that I’m not really sure matches up well with the first part. They seem like two different moods being kinda forced into each other. Also, for a song that, when you break it down, is really not that eventful, it’s WAY too long. This could have been edited down to 2.50 minutes and it wouldn’t have lost anything.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
N/A
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: On Parchment
Song: Lost it once

*sigh*
It’s been a rough week of demo’s with similar flaws. Annoying beats (though, this beat is way less annoying than some of the others I’ve listened to this week) and rappers who are not bad but just don’t seem like it’s in the nature to be rapping. The second guy on this hits some flows that are decent but then he also gets sloppy at other parts. I relate to that cause that was kinda how I rapped when I used to rap. My favorite part of the whole song is the musical/singing break between the verses and the hook. More of that.
Production:
3.5 out of 10
Vocals:
4 out of 10
Listenability:
3.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Josh E
Song: Eve

There’s some interesting sample work in this. Very bugged out and leaning in an interesting direction. The only problem is the drums. They are straight up bad. The kick is okay but every other sound is a really bad factory setting sound. Get new drums sounds and you’ll be onto something good for sure.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Sam seed the shaggy dog
Song: Weird show

I like and hate things about this demo. I like the sample. I like the rappers basic vibe on the mike. He’s got a personality. I hate the drums and the mix. I don’t hate the rappers lyrics or flow, but they’re not great. He’s definitely a style of substance kinda rapper (at least for the time being). I could see him getting much better with time if he gets a little focus.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
4.5 out of 10
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Which demo is your favorite?

Tim and I discuss music volume 31

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Jennifer-Nettles241
This week, Yung Timmy AKA Alaska and I discuss the music videos of French Montana, Toby Goodshank (as opposed to Toby badshank, which is way crazier and far more dangerous), and some early 90′s hip hop revisited.
As always, it’s a celebration of life and good vibes, man. Just kidding. It’s the same old two assholes who hate 85% of everything talking shit.
http://www.syffal.com/french-montana-toby-goodshank

Answers for questions vol. 136

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Whattup everyone. I was just sitting around imagining what the world of Game of Thrones would be like if they had cell phones. SO much less confusion.
Anyway, this weeks questions are fun. Thanks to all those who submitted them. If you have anything you wanna ask me, send it my way. Either Email it to me (phatfriendblog@gmail.com) or leave them in the comments below. As always, be interesting. This column is only as good as your questions are.
So, let’s do this

You are trying to fall asleep one night, when suddenly the ghosts of Tupac, Michael Jackson, and Elvis appear before you. All three of them are there for the same reason. They each have one last album worth of songs that were never recorded, and their souls will not rest until they can share them with the world.

Here’s the deal…Each of them wants your help. They want to borrow your body for 1 year so that they can record an album, convince the world that they have returned, and go on a final, epic world tour. They will be in complete control of your body, but you will still be along for the ride. Once the year is over, you will get your body back, and they will leave you with their entire financial estate, plus any future royalties… But you can only let one of them borrow your body.

If you refuse, then these 3 highly intoxicated ghouls will follow you around for the rest of your life like that movie “The Frighteners” starring Michael J. Fox. Which one of these former celebrities will you help?

I’m assuming they come back looking like them and not me cause, really, who’s gonna buy that I’m any of these people. If you had the other way in mind, I call bullshit. Cause, let’s be honest, if i came back with the voice and “moves” of any of these guys looking like me, I’d get thrown in a asylum within hours.
This is pretty easy. I’d choose Tupac and here’s why:
Elvis is old and fat. No one is trying to hear some new elvis shit. He hasn’t been popular in the states since Jimmy Carter was President and anyone who would buy an Elvis record in 2013 is probably too deaf to listen to it anyway.

M.J. is already a faceless ghoul who definitely will always carry the kid toucher stigma with him. Sure, he could put an album out and tour south america and asia for millions of dollars but he’s simply too old and I’m pretty sure he’s made of balsa wood. He would definitely be the biggest money maker but I don’t think it would be fun to be him.

Tupac would be my choice cause, while I don’t give a shit about his music, his fan base is still very much alive. Not only that, but if he came back people would be like “I knew it!” and his career would be bigger than ever. Also, he died young enough that I think he’d enjoy his life. Although, he might give me AIDS with all the consequence free fucking he’d be doing. But I suppose that’s the risk of being reborn Tupac for a year.

i gotta question, do ever get free shit being an artist? whats the best free shit youve ever got?

You know what? Not really. I’m not of that level where people will give me shit cause I’m like a walking advertisement. I simply don’t have that kinda pull. The best shit, by far, I ever got was a Mini MOOG Slim phatty. Nothing else comes close to that. I have friends who have gotten free kicks, back packs , apple gear and shit like that. But, personally, T-shirts and hats I’d never wear are the extent of my bounty. On the bright side, I was given a great hat last time I was in St. Petersburg Russia that I’ve been rocking a lot. I get T-shirts the most and ,while most of the T-shirts I’ve been given are cool, I’m simply too old to be rocking shit with graffiti cartoons on it. However, I do tend to cut the sleeves off those T-shirts and use them as basketball shirts so all is not lost.

Hey Block, Just wanted to know your opinion of the, “Beast Coast” movement that’s lingering around in hip hop nowadays since you’re from New York.

That’s a thing? I feel like I’ve heard that phrase before but it sounds like something a blogger made up in order to fit all the rap coming out of the east coast right now into a nice little basket. So, even though I’m not clear on what it is, I can sorta guess. If it’s what i think it might be, I’m cool with it. I’m always happy when any new rap comes out that decent. Be it east coast or west coast or wherever.

Do the comments on your (public) Facebook page ever make you lose faith in humanity?

Dude. I’ve considered writing a long piece on this cause it’s seriously one of the more frustrating and troublesome things I deal with on a day to day basis (Yes, my life is fairly charmed). When I signed up for twitter, I immediately was subjected to a new level of trolling and basic fuckery at the hands of faceless assholes. Par for the course, as this is the internet. It was not that different than people on Myspace but it was more concentrated. However, when I finally made a facebook music page…HOLY SHIT. Twitter is like a land of evolved and sane people compared to Facebook.
Now, this is partially my fault. I could easily avoid all of this if I just stuck to the Facebook music page norms. Only posting music related updates. Not having opinions on anything and , most of all, NEVER making jokes. But, unfortunately, I refuse to take social networking that seriously. Yes, it’s an important tool for pretty much anyone promoting anything on earth but I simply don’t have it in me to not joke around. It’s my nature and all these different platforms are just begging to be used as such. I remember joining Friendster in like 1998 just so I could fuck with my friends. So, while my public Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheRealBlockhead) may serve a purpose of promotion, it’s also a sounding board of sorts. For my opinions on things but, most of all, for pointless jokes that I tweet.
What I’ve learned from this? People get offended at EVERYTHING. I’ve had 45 comment posts of fury after making a joke about Razor Scooters. I’ve had people lose their minds at me about my making fun of men who wear open toed shoes every where. I’ve had people be deeply offended when I tweeted a joke about some celebrity of questionable talent. I’d say once a month I get a private message from someone telling me that they are no longer fans of y music because of something I wrote on my facebook wall. As if I’ve been posting nazi propaganda or crazy political views.
Another thing I’ve noticed is, when I post a link to a blog post about something, and people disagree with it (which is often and expected), it’s clear they didn’t read it. For instance, I wrote a piece about how I don’t give a shit about pixar movies and the first sentence in it was something like “You are probably gonna disagree with this” and every response was “I disagree with this!”. It’s like “yeah man…THAT’S THE POINT.” So, while a lot of this can be blamed on my spotty writing skill, I do think that people simply like to be outraged…by anything and they’re just waiting to jump the gun on taking up a cause.
I’ve also noticed that the majority of the people on Facebook who flip out at me are typically from one of four places: Australia, The UK , Ohio or California. I have no clue why this is but it’s been fairly uncanny. Even more befuddling is that I know people from all those places who are lovely human beings. They just seem to be hot spots for people either don’t like jokes, don’t get jokes or people who love to get mad over things of little importance.
So, to answer your question, YES. My facebook comments make me sad and I question humanity on a daily basis.. Not cause it’s people disagreeing with me but cause of the way in which they do it. Some people can’t think outside of themselves and apply that to jokes and that’s really depressing. The amount of times I’ve had to follow up a post with “This was a joke” or “It’s not that serious” is pretty sad. So, to all of you out there who follow my twitter/facebook pages, I’ll say it one more time : PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I WRITE THAT’S NOT A MUSIC RELATED POST IS A ME JOKING AROUND. IT MAY SEEM LIKE I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT THIS THING I’M TALKING ABOUT, BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU, 98% OF THE TIME, I DO NOT CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. I’M JUST FUCKING AROUND. EVEN IF IT’S A 1000 WORD WRITE UP ON MY BLOG ABOUT SOMETHING TRIVIAL, I PROMISE, WHEN IT’S ALL SAID AND DONE, I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Good? okay…let’s move on.

Have you ever fucked a porn star? I think about it but then again it goes against my morals.

Nope. I think people might assume I have cause I have few porn buddies on twitter but
I’ve never even gotten close. I’ve never even boned a stripper.
The idea of having sex with a porn star is way more exciting and frightening when you’ve never met one. They’re actually pretty normal girls (in some ways). So, like 15 years ago I would probably been scared to death to have sex with one. Partially cause I’d be scared of diseases but also cause I’d be intimidated to have sex with a girl who’s average penis size in take is 10 inches. But nowadays, it’s not as intimidating to me. I mean, I’m wifed up so I obviously would never do that but I’m just saying, doing that doesn’t carry the same stigma as it once did. Sure, porn stars fuck a lot of dudes but I was never one of those guys who would not have sex with a girl cause she’s been with a bunch of dudes. I’ve always felt dudes too hung up on monitoring their sexual partners pasts are kinda pussies. I mean, it’s one thing if she was a needle user but beyond that, who cares? To me, that kinda shit is slut shaming. Not having sex with someone over your own made up morals seems self defeating. If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s fine But don’t do it out of judgement of another person. Cause , really, you’re too good for a porn star? The irony is that most porn actresses probably wouldn’t bone any of us in real life.

Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 22

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Spring-Breakers-Cast-Grabbing-Butts

It’s once again time to play the age old game of Fuck/marry/kill. I like to think the cavemen played this game (with slightly different rules and way more killing).
Just to clarify, these are all reader submitted options that I apply my rational brain powers to figuring out who I would kill, fuck or marry. As always, I must remind you, it’s not that serious and I’m painfully aware that, in most of these cases, all the participants would rather be killed than have sex or marry me. I accept that. But, it’s a fun game and giving deep thought to something this dumb is usually a good time.
Also, feel free to write in more options. Leave them in the comment section below. I’m always looking for new ones.
So, let’s get into this weeks batch.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Maureen, Janet, and Latoya Jackson.

Fuck:Janet
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This is tougher than it seems cause every time I see a picture of Janet recently, she’s seems to be vacillating between looking like amazing and looking like a shaved down version of Mephistopheles from the Cats musical. Those jacksons sure do love tight face skin! But, even with that uncertainty of what I might be getting, the fact still remains that, when it was all said and done, I could say I fucked Janet Jackson. I’d say that’s pretty much worth. I got a friend who made out with Bjork once and he’s a legend in my eyes. But if i knew a dude who boned Janet Jackson? Free drinks for life. Even if it was the old shaved cat person version of her.

Kill: Latoya
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Was there ever a question? I feel like her crazy ass would hand me the weapon to do it. There was a brief moment when I thought Latoya was hot. That would be when she posed in playboy and I was 13 years old. That was also an era when I probably could have successfully masturbated to a bra ad in a seats catalogue. Well, times change and life has been rough on ol’ Latoya. For one, her face is all stretched out and she looks like what would happen if you mixed the show “227″ with the show “The walking dead”. So, in a way, I’d be killing something that has, in all likelihood, been dead inside for years now. And that, my friend, makes for a guilt free kill.

Marry: Maureen
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Not gonna lie. I had to google her. And to my surprise, she was kinda hot. But, beyond all that, she’s not famous. That alone would give me hope she’s not a crazy person like her two sisters. While that may be wishful thinking, at least it’s a possibility. So, on the off chance she’s not a complete lunatic, I thee wed.

Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “misogynist” edition:A girl that does your laundry,A girl that does the dishes, A girl that knows how to make a mean sandwich

Marry: A girl who knows how to make a mean sandwich
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I just wanna remind people that I don’t make these options up. These are submitted by readers. so, you know, don’t kill the messenger.
Anyway, I live a food based life. When I travel, I could care less about seeing important parts of the places I visit or learning about their history. All I care about it where the good food is. This is a focal point of my life. So, without question, I’m wifing up the super sandwich maker. Did you know that sandwiches are the perfect food? Well, now you do. Cause they are.

Fuck: Girl that does the dishes
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I can do my own dishes…but it’s definitely one of those things I’ll let linger until it nears the point of chaos. I mean, who the fuck likes doing dishes? So, a girl who does the dishes would be a nice short term thing. I don’t need it, but it’s appreciated. Do my dishes, gurlll.

Kill: Girl that does Laundry
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When you have a “job” like mine, days at home are often filled with very little structure. Outside of writing this blog 5 times a week, I do crave some order and continuity in my life. Doing Laundry is one of those things that regulates my lifestyle. This is gonna infuriate those of you with real jobs but, for me, knowing I’m gonna do laundry is something I kinda look forward to. Not cause I enjoy it but because it’s an activity that, when it’s finished, I feel as if the day is not lost. It’s a small accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. Oh, you worked 10 hours today and filed some papers and shit? Well, I did my laundry. Feeling good about it too! So, for that reason, I’ll kill a bitch quick if she tries to do my laundry.

F/M/K: Ashley benson, selena gomez, vanessa hudgens

Kill: Selena Gomez
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This is me being a bigger man. I don’t wanna kill Selena gomez. She seems sweet (i guess) and she’s very cute BUT she also looks like she’s literally 13 years old. I can’t , in good conscience , fuck or marry her. Even if she is technically legal for all that. Part of me considered marrying her cause she will, without question , age the best of all these girls but I’d still feel like a creep about it. Also, another part of me wanted to fuck her cause there is simply no way Justin Beiber put it down right and following that would be a joy. But, again, it would be weird looking down at her and seeing those big ass fawn eyes looking up at me. I’m just not pedo enough to ride that one out.
So, consider this a mercy killing.

Fuck: Vanessa Hudgens
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This was tough. To be honest, both Hudgens and Benson are fantastic fuck candidates. I choose Hudgens for this cause I feel like it was the role she was born to play. Prior to “Spring breakers” I knew very little about her outside of her being super hot and that she leaked nude pictures a few years ago. But, with all the viral buzz of “Spring Breakers” I was exposed to her in a different life. I saw her in interviews. I got to see her speak. It was via that , that realized she’s the epitome of “Fuck” in this game. Why? Because she’s a hot girl who kinda sucks. She seemed pretty vapid and , more than anything, kind of a moron. Very valley girl-ish. So, really, when combined with her looks, she was built for this lane. And I would not complain one iota.

Marry: Ashley Benson
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I really don’t know much about her. She’s a typical hot blonde. Certainly the type of girl I’ve never been able to bag in my real life. Is she cool? is she fun? No clue. She’s an actress so I’d probably guess she’s pretty awful in real life but it’s not my job to speculate. I think she sorta lands in the marriage category by default. So, it would be one of those “Let’s see what happens!” situations. One thing is certain though, she’d probably cheat on me.

fuck/marry/kill: coffee, tea, hot chocolate

Marry: Tea
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I’m a tea drinker, bro. Come at me! I like it hot, I like it cold. I like green tea, I like the fruity crap and I’m down for a black tea. It’s all good to me. Flavored water via bag of dirty leaves. Genius idea. This is a no brainer as, in many ways, I already feel married to tea.

Fuck: Hot chocolate
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Anyone who would not “fuck” hot chocolate in this situation is mad suspect to me. You’re either a total fat ass or one of those people who hates chocolate. In both cases, get you mind right.
I love hot chocolate…but I’ll be damned if it’s not one of the more situational beverages of all time. Come August, I’m not fucking with a hot chocolate. But there are also times I crave it on a level that I will go to great lengths to find a decent cup. So, because it’s somewhat of a specialty drink, it’s clearly not something I could have with any regularity. So, I’mma fuck it.

Kill: Coffee
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How mad are you right now, coffee people? So mad.
Hear me out.
I don’t dislike coffee. While I do think black coffee tastes like charred after birth, add some cream and sugar and it’s pretty fucking delicious. Also, coffee ice cream is one of my favorites. However, I’m a sensitive pussy. Caffeine fucks me up. I drink coffee and my heart starts racing and it feels like I may have a panic attack (though I never do). Hell, it’s the same reasoning that had kept me from ever doing cocaine. I’m simply not cut out for the boost. So, this is less about me disliking coffee and more about how that shit is just too much for me. Also, if you’re thinking “But what about decaf?” go fuck yourself. I don’t drink or eat things that are substitutions for they’re superior natural incarnations. Same reason I’ll never eat a tofu pup or drink diet soda. If you’re gonna be about something, be about it. Otherwise you’re just drinking/eating the greatly inferior pussified version and that’s just lame.

Song of the day 5/16/13

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I never knew Money By T.Shirt
http://www.divshare.com/download/24112519-c98

I’m not even gonna lie to you. I’m hungover like a motherfucker today. Normally I’d be scouring the internet for something for you to vote “Yay or Nay” on but I simply don’t have it in me today. So, as an alternative, I figured I’d bring back the good old “Song of the day”. Why not, right?
Today’s entry is by Ny Rapper T.Shirt. I did a “Yay or Nay” with him a while back and he got a mixed response but, truth be told, he’s probably my favorite “new” artist I’ve heard in a minute. He’s got a bunch of free mixtapes available so , if you like this, I’d say you should go check the rest of his stuff out.
http://tshirt.bandcamp.com/

Okay…So, now that that’s done, I’m gonna get back in bed and sit in the dark for few hours.

My neighbor: Livin’ la vida Loca

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Neighbors-Over-the-Fence
If you follow my twitter or facebook account , you’ve probably seen me complain about my next door neighbor. I often tell tales (in 140 characters of less) of the constant barrage of loud music coming from the other side of my bedroom wall. I figure it might be fun to take a deeper look into this and really give you guys the full picture of what I’m dealing with over here.
So, I moved into the building I currently live in over ten years ago. For the most part, I pretty much keep to myself. I say hi to everyone in the hallway and I’m always cordial (I’ll hold a door for a bitch, no question bro) but I’m not exactly trying to buddy up with anyone in my building. Which is fine cause it would appear the feelings are mutual. As long as I’ve been here, I really have only had frequent interactions with two different people. My upstairs neighbor ,who is very social and actively in peoples business. I don’t even mean that in a bad way. He’s just kinda like the self appointed mayor of the building. He knows everyone and also knows what’s going on constantly. If I need info on who’s moving in or out of the building or what store is opening up next door, he’s the guy. So, while he’s a little bit nosey, he’s a good guy. No issues with him. My next door neighbor is a retired fire marshall (I think…he might have just been a fireman). He’s very much an “old new yorker”. He talks with the accent and has that nature that reminds me of the people who used to work in butcher shops on Bleeker street when I was a kid. To me, it’s a very familiar and comforting disposition. Unlike my upstairs neighbor, he was pretty much a ghost in the building…until about 5 years ago.
Five years ago. That’s when I started to notice a lot of extra traffic in the hallways scurrying by my door. Mornings, daytime, late night. I’d often come home from a night out and run into what would appear to be 6 foot tall women with terrible make up jobs in my buildings hallway. Oh wait…those aren’t women.
Turns out, my quiet neighbor had a taste for cross dressers. Not just any cross dressers. He had a type. Mostly it was black and latino dudes. This came as a shock to me cause, up until that point, I thought he had a wife/girlfriend. But, turns out he didn’t. Whatever the case, it wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t bothered by it and the guy was entitled to enjoy his life whatever way he pleased. It was more a funny side note of “Did you know my neighbor bones drag queens?”. This behavior continued for the next few years as it appeared my neighbor was coming into his own as a gay man. I don’t know if he hadn’t been out before but there was a definitive upswing in his openness about it. Good for him.

Flash forward to about 2 years ago and I get a knock on my door. It’s my neighbor, adorned in a way too small silk robe , his chest peaking out and his deeply white thighs also making their presence known. He informs me that a friend of his is moving in with him. We both have duplexes and his new roommate would be getting free reign of the bottom floor (the room on the other side of the wall of where my girlfriend and I sleep AKA my bedroom AKA my studio). He also tells me that if he’s too noisy or anything like that, let him know and it will be taken care of. Okay. I didn’t think much about beyond “Oh, hey, my neighbor has a new boyfriend. “. But , soon, I’d realize that this was not just a new relationship being taken to the next level. This wasn’t you typical “people moving in together” situation.

From that day on, I’d see his new man in the halls. He was a young bow legged latino guy. Maybe 22 or so. He looks like one of madonna’s dancers from the late 90′s. From what I understand, he was/is a dancer. But one thing is for sure, this motherfucker LOVES music. How do I know this? Cause from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, music is blasting. Always. Now, this is annoying on many levels. I’ve had neighbors like this before. I’ve also been the loud music neighbor. But in all those cases, there have been some limits. With this guy, it’s not only a constant flood of music, but it’s a constant flood of very particular music. Much like his older boyfriend, he’s got his taste. And it spans far and wide from 3 different Rihanna songs to the song “girls gone wild” by madonna to a Britney spears live concert.

That’s it. That’s all he listens to. For the last 2 fucking years. Sure, occasionally he’ll spice it up with some salsa music and he went through a brief Lady Gaga stage but, for the most part, it’s steadily been those specific songs for the entire time he’s lived there. And not just sporadic plays. I’m talking repeated plays , back to back of the same song for hours on end. Did I mention he sings along? You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a Dominican cross dresser sing “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” off key at the top of his lungs. There are feelings and emotions possessed in that performance that I will never reach in my wildest dreams.
Every hear Britney spears rendition of “I love rock and roll”? I have. Performed through a brick wall, 15 times a day for 2 years. Feel me?

Whenever I tell people about this, their immediate reaction is “have you complained?”. Of course I have. After a few incidents of 6am music blasting , new rules were made. No music before 11am or after 11 pm. This held up for a few weeks until the parties picked up again. But this has been a constant back and forth. I complain, the noise stops for a few weeks , then it starts again. Such is the cycle of life, my friends. One thing I should point out is that my neighbor (the older guy, not the kid) is nothing if not accommodating. He’s not deaf and is always willing to tell his roommate to shut the fuck up. In fact, it goes beyond that. After Hurricane Sandy, the buildings communal backyard was a mess. I was back there moving some shit around when my neighbor popped out (silk robe in full effect). He asked that ,if i needed any help he could get his “wetback boyfriend” to come do some work. Umm…okay. That’s when I started to realize that this living arrangement was not on equal ground to , say, what happened when my girlfriend moved in. Pretty sure the the young madonna dancer didn’t get to do any redecorating. These two were not taking trips to Ikea together . They were not as much a couple as they were an agreement This living situation was dependent on two things.
1)That young Madonna stays downstairs
2)Sexual favors are exchanged.
In fact, it’s safe to say it’s an open relationship. How do I know? Probably by the constant flood of loud gay latino men , who spend various nights hooting and hollering next door. Inevitably, the hooting and hollering will simmer down and all of a sudden, thinks get a little more greek up in there.
Listen. Couples have sex. It’s natural. I know this. Also, non-couples have sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these two consenting adults enjoying each others company in a romantic manner. I just sorta wish I didn’t have to hear it. As it all takes place on the other side of my bedroom wall, I’m party to a pretty consistent and unsettling sex life between a man in his mid 60′s and his little “wetback boyfriend”. At any given moment , on any given day, I will hear the sounds of love being made. This love, however, has it’s own very particular sounds. Deep guttural moans, slapping (not sure if that’s hands or thighs colliding or both), and a soft latino whimper of “aye. Aye. AYE!!!”. Occasionally, it will simply be a head session and then I get to hear what it sounds like when a dude with a thick brooklyn accent gets orally pleased. Guess what? it sounds exactly what you might think it sounds like: UNNERVING. Unlike the music, I really can’t complain about this. It’s none of my business and it’s what couples do. But…goddamn…that shit is ROUGH to have to try to sleep though.

I recently have started combating all this noise with noise of my own. In classic passive aggressive white guy style, I’ve taken to blasting loud gangster rap right back whenever this dudes music starts blasting and , you know what? It works. No clue why but it seems whenever my music goes on, his goes off. Who knew? So, as the summer approaches and I prepare for whatever that may have in store for my neighbor and his many different sounds, things are actually looking up. Who knows? Perhaps by august they’ll be tired of fucking each other like most old couples and life will go back to normal. One can only dream…