Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 45

thedoc-doctor
It’s the diggy diggy doc yall!
Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. A place for people with personal problems to ask me for help. Why me? Cause I’m here and willing to talk about it. Also, I’m not your friend so I most likely won’t sugarcoat it for you. Keep in mind, I have no medical training and I dropped out of college after one year but, hey, I got some perspective and will try my best to lead you toward the light.
If you have any problems that need fixing or just want some advice, holler at me. Email me questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments section below. It’s all anonymous so this is a safe place.

Dr. Tony,

Back in early July of 2014 I met this girl and everything was great. We had many of the same interests (Music, video games, etc.) and our personalities were nearly identical (both gloomy and negative fucks). We stayed friends for a while and never really had any desire to take it further for months.

Around November, I started to develop big feelings for her but I kept it to myself because I did not think she shared my feelings. A couple days before Christmas she began acting very strange around me. I could tell she was acting a lot more shy and reserved so I asked her what was going on and she told me she had begun to develop feelings for me. It kind of took me by surprise but I replied to her that I felt the same way.

Everything was fine for about a couple of weeks after that. She was being overly affectionate with me which was totally opposite of her normal personality. She would tell me she felt strange whenever we would go certain periods without talking and how much she needed to hear my voice multiple times a day. We didn’t get much time to see each other throughout the day because my work schedule and her school schedule conflicted. Eventually, I could tell a little bit after New Years that she was acting a lot more distant around me and we began talking a lot less (usually it was every few hours, then it turned to every day and then every few days). When I confronted her about it, she told me that I had changed ever since we told each other our feelings. She said that I was acting a lot nicer to her and she didn’t like that. I replied that it’s hard to not act nicer when she is always acting so affectionate around me.

Eventually our relationship died off. She wanted to remain friends and still talk to me, but since I still had feelings for her I told her I did not want that and would rather distance myself. I have normally never had any issues with rejection, but this one stung quite a bit because of the fact that she liked me and then rejected me after such a short period of time and for reasons that I don’t understand. I’m quite sure that distancing myself from her is the correct solution but it has been a month and I still haven’t really gotten over it. Is there any advice you can give or is this something I will just have to suffer through for a bit longer?

Well, I commend you for even being smart enough to know you need the distance. Most people in this situation would easily either fall back into the friendzone against their will or try to finagle some more sex out of it until it truly crashes and burns. So, off the bat, you’re doing well. Unfortunately, there is no time limit to getting over things. It doesn’t just click away one day. It slowly fades. On the bright side, this one shouldn’t take THAT long cause you haven’t even known here for very long. The entire span of your relationship (from meeting her to now) is less than a year. This won’t last too long. Get out the house. Stop wallowing. Embrace the concept that you can’t change what you can’t control.
On a side note, what the fuck is up with her saying you were too nice? Were you guys like sacrificing goats and spitting in each others mouths one day than you took her to the park for a romantic walk and she was like “ew!”. That’s really bizarre and a definite red flag when a girl reacts that way to simply being treated nicely. I mean, maybe the nice you is a cornball and she wanted to date the negative gloomy dude but…I dunno. Even negative gloomy people take some downtime and the nature of being with someone you care about is to be kind to them.

What up boy??? So i pretty much need you to tell me what I already know. This is a fuck buddy/don’t ask don’t tell situation.

I’ve been hooking up with this guy for a little less than a year now. When we started hooking up there was no cuddling ,sex and then split. this was good and made it easy to keep those feelings non existent. A few of months into we statred spending nights together and thats when we started cuddling. He holds me all night holds my hand and kisses me anytime he wakes up. He even makes me face him when we sleep. No talking over the phone at all and very little texting at all in between when we see each other. I don’t ask him to much at all about his personal life and just try to keep it really cool and fun with him. We have amazing sex.. Like the best i’ve ever had. He tells me no nobody fucks him like I do and how much he looks forward to seeing and kissing me when we get together. He kisses me and holds me all night. Then he’s gone. He’s a hustler aka busy 24/7.. I don’t have feelings for him but I really could if I let myself.. The last night we spent together he asked me while we were hooking up to tell him my pu*** was his.. I did.. It is.. I haven’t hooked up with anyone but him since we started hooking up. I’ve never told him that but he might know.. Could him asking me to tell him that mean anything? or am I foolishly reading into it to much? (second one seems more in reality) As stupid as it seems even though he is not my boyfriend or anything at all to me really… I would feel bad hooking up withsomone else.. Even though I know he does.. I feel like I definately need to, to avoid catching feelings for this guy.. Whats the vibe Block? Im 23 and he’s in his late 20’s not sure exactly.

Your instincts are right. I would guess he loves…fucking you. All the sweet stuff is just run off of the sex. Some dudes blur those lines in a most unfortunate way. Like his attraction to you may be so strong he can’t keep his hands off you but that doesn’t mean he’s emotionally invested. There is a chance he may have conflicted feelings about you too but it’s more likely that he’s just being intimate with you like that cause that’s how he is. btw, The “facing you while he sleeps” thing is a little weird though. I don’t doubt , in the moment, he feels a real closeness and I also don’t doubt he’s legit fond of you. But dudes like this, in general, are single by choice and they love it. Unless he starts ramping up your relationship, you can assume it’s right where he wants it to be.
That kinda thing is only fair if you’re on the same wavelength. If you start feeling stronger about him, that’s how hearts gets broken. So, be careful with that.
Judging from what I read, I feel like this dude is an ego driven sexual being AKA a man. Him asking you “whose pussy is this?” is both playful sex talk but also kinda real. Most men wanna be looked upon as “the best lover” and it’s 100% for our own ego. But, beyond that? it’s a toss up. Sex and emotions are rarely connected for us. Like, I bet if you tried to have a “what are we?” talk, he’d get distant and the sex sessions would immediately begin to taper off.
So, yeah, I think you know what’s going on. If you can handle it emotionally on your end, stick with it. But if you feel yourself over thinking it all and getting obsessive, it might be best to just cut it off… or, at the very least, start seeing other guys.

Hi Dr. Tony

1st off, love your music, you’re the coolest.

Secondly, I have a confusing situation on my hands. Sorry for how long this might be. I’m a 20 year old and I recently got involved with a 42 year old man (4 months at this point.) We worked together and were friends-ish. For context’s sake, I’m mature for my age, kinda an old soul, and we flirted but I initiated the situation. He was shy in the beginning due to the age factor; he’s not some creep scamming on young girls.

I just got out of a fucked up 3 year relationship, and his last relationship was 6 years ago when he got divorced. I knew he hadn’t gotten laid since then, and I wanted a simple nice guy to hook up with. So we became fuck buddies and HOLY FUCK the best sex anybody has had ever. Seriously fuckinggggg mindblowing. So we started hanging out constantly for that reason, then started hanging out outside that, and long story short feelings started to develop. He wanted more, I fought the feelings for a while cause we don’t make any sense in the long run, and I wasn’t looking for anything like that. But despite all that, the connection is crazy, so I stopped fighting it, we starting saying I love you… yadda yadda yadda, happiest either of us has been in a long time.

Anywho. How insane is this? We’ve both acknowledged at this point there’s no foreseeable reason for us to break up soon… we laugh and have incredible sex, have similar interests and views, and we’re both just smart kind no-drama people. Then in my head I fast forward to where I’m 40 when he’s 60… and he fuckin smokes a pack a day so who knows how long he’ll last if I’m being honest with myself.That said, I’m 20, I’m not in a huge rush to find a super long term thing.

So I think I’d like to ride this out and enjoy it for the meantime. But I don’t want to get in even further over my head. The age factor in the long run doesn’t affect him as negatively as it does me, so he talks casually about how much he loves me and pictures this being long-term.

So should I get out now while it’s easier (and then possibly regret it cause the decision was made logically not emotionally) or stick around and risk getting in deeper and fucking up my future?

Thanks dude!

Damn…that is one hell of an age different. Honestly, if you were 30 and he was 50, I’d probably give you a different response to this. 20 is SO YOUNG. 40 is middle aged. Fucking each other is one thing (many would say a 40 year old should not be fucking a 20 year old though) but a serious relationship? That’s tough. I’m not saying it’s impossible and it definitively won’t work but it is certainly not ideal. The thing is, he’s been through all this shit. He’s fucking divorced! His days of going out and looking for girls are over. You haven’t even started your life yet. It may be okay now but it will eventually catch up. You think you’re gonna wanna be with him for the rest of your life? What happens when the great sex starts to wane. You think a 55 year old man is going to still blow your socks off, or even want to have sex with any regularity? Not gonna happen. I think the problem with this is that you two , as much as you get along and relate, are coming from such different places and times that it just seems doomed to fail. I find it weird that a 40 year old could relate to a 20 year old at all, old soul or not. When you were born, he was 3 years out of college.
On the bright side, you’re young enough to where you can ride it out and see what happens. Even if you just date him for 4 years, you’ll still be really young when it’s over and life will go on. To him, however, this could be his end game. kind of ideal really. Settle down with a much younger girl. He gets it all. but, I dunno…it’s just a lot of eggs to put in one basket. The heart wants what the heart wants (that’s that stupid saying, right?) but ,logically, you shoulda never been fucking him in the first place. You’re future is far less at stake than his cause your future has many more years on it.

I cheated on my girlfriend 2 months ago. I kissed another girl. My girlfriend broke up with me over this and I have been fighting to get her back for the past 2 months. She is still so full of resent and anger about what I did to her that she isn’t willing to forgive me just yet or say we’re back together.

We were fuck buddies before we ever got serious. We got serious 14 months ago. Tonight she told me she could go back to being fuck buddies but she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend. I am still emotionally attached to her. I don’t know if I should continue sleeping with her or if I should cut off all ties and move on. I need advice.

If this weeks edition has taught us anything it is that being fuck buddies will always open doors. If she is willing to have sex with you again, even though she feels betrayed by you, there’s a good chance that that sex could lead to you two getting back together. Not to mention, while kissing is cheating, it’s not like you fucked another girl. A kiss is a mark against you but it’s at least not something she has to sit and envision , while being whipped up into a furious frenzy.
The thing about basically starting over is that there is a risk. She may indeed only want the sex. That’s possible. But, at the same time, once you start having sex and that comfort and familiarity comes back, it does all sorts of shit to peoples brains. You will definitely get attached again but there’s a good chance she will too. The question is, can she forgive you for cheating? If not, then don’t bother. You don’t want her holding some dumb kiss over your head for the rest of your relationship. So, my advice is do one of two things:
1)Cut ties and move on
Simply just to keep things simple and lessen any confusion hooking up again might cause
2)Bone her again but watch for the backlash. If she’s making you feel like shit for that kiss, respectfully say you can’t do this and get out. If things go back to where they were and you feel forgiven, then ride that wave. The last thing that makes a relationship thrive is holding some shit over the other persons head. I tend to think, If she was really that mad, she wouldn’t reopen the door in the first place. But trust, if she ever does let you back in, you gotta be super boyfriend #1.

Demo Reviews vol. 65

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Hi there. Welcome to another edition of demo reviews. I’m your host, Blockhead. This is where I listen to music sent in by blog readers and tell them what I think. It’s a good way to get an honest option from someone who doesn’t know and/or doesn’t really care.
I’m not an easy audience but everyone who sent in music was warned so, don’t feel bad for anyone here. They knew what they were getting into.
The reviews work like so: I write a paragraph or two about the song then arbitrarily rate them from 1-10 in these categories
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

That’s about it. Let’s see what we got this week and don’t forget to vote at the end for your favorite demo. This is a contest where all you win is pride.

Artist: Paulie Rhyme
Song: Super String Theory


The beat is pretty dope…probably cause Blueprint made it. I have sneaking suspicion this was purchased from my buddy print on some “I’m selling blueprint beats!” shit. i could be wrong but it feels like that. I gotta say, I’m not a fan of when people send me songs with beats by producers who are already established. This isn’t his demo. He’s proven. But ,hey, it is what it is I guess.
The rapping is capable but, ultimately , uninteresting. Overall, the song isn’t bad at all, it’s just not something that sticks out much.
Production:6.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Green Blaza
Song: Showdown with the showgun top off


If you were to ask me what the average underground rapper sounds like in 2004, I’d point you to this song. To be clear, this guy is not bad at rapping. He’s totally fine at rapping, actually. But he’s got an average voice, average presence, and there’s nothing drawing me in. It’s the subtly whiney white voice (though , his voice is not even remotely as bad as the average “white voice” plagued rapper) Also, that hook is pretty corny.
The beat is okay. I like the break used on the drums. Overall, It’s a little boring.
On a technical level, the vocals have an effect on them that makes them sound kinda thin. I’d remove that effect on future songs.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Secret Friend
Song: Anyway how


This is a mellow little jam. It’s consistently builds as it goes. It kinda sounds like something that might be playing in a movie while it showed someone wistfully skipping rocks off a pond. So, perhaps its genre is “wistful-step”?
It’s perfectly fine though. I don’t have a problem with this.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Rich
Song: Louis Vuitton


The has a nice summery feel to it. The main sample chop is a little clunky (could use some effects on it to make it flow more fluidly) but the beat is cool. It reminds me of an earlier era in rap.
The rapper is pretty good. Not really saying anything ground breaking but I don’t think that’s the point of a song like this. I hear potential beyond this for sure.
Also, it’s pretty rare I get southern rappers here so this was a welcome change to my ears.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Shirman
Song: Call him a rapper


Within two seconds of the beat starting I was like “mmm…nope”. It’s the drum sounds. It’s the synth sounds. It’s the bass line. It’s just mood-less and uninteresting. It’s not until the horn comes in halfway where a tone is even established. After that, it picks up a little but it’s still sounds like a skit made by a beginner , due to the choice of sounds used. There are some good ideas going on here (after the mid point) though. It just needs a whole lot of refinement.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Manos Lindas
Song: Atardecer Pt. 2


This is pretty much some noodling on his guitar with an effect on it, over drums. It’s certainly got a vibe and I could see someone enjoying this (a hippie), but it’s not for me. It just kind meanders and never ends up anywhere. But isn’t that the point of jammy songs like this?
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:El cholo & Chafoman
Song:Gancho


Sigh…Okay, this beat is cool. Nice loop and the drums are pretty decent. Here’s the thing though…can you guess what I’m gonna say?
I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH. As always, when sent rap in foreign languages, it’s nothing personal but if I can’t understand the words, there’s no point for me. I actually value that part of rap. There are people who can listen to some rap in a language they don’t understand and just go off the vibe…I’m not that guy. So, I really don’t even know how to review shit like this beyond the beat.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:????
Listenability:3 out of 10 (only cause I have no clue what the rapper is saying)
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Act one
Song: Atlas


This is a well done emo rap joint. I’m not mad at it. It’s emotive and the rhymes are very personal, without making me cringe due to corny over-sharing. There’s still work to be done for the rapper but he’s tapped into something that can definitely be built off. This reminds me of earls new album in a weird way.
The beat is simple and effective. Kinda hard to really review a beat with no drums but, hey, when it works, it works.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

So, what do you think?

So this trap music the kids seem to like…

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Before I start, I need to ask of you, please read this in its entirety. It’s very important and I feel like if you miss any of it, it won’t really make sense.

You know guys, I’ve been doing hip hop music for as long as I can remember. I made my first beat around 1994. Before that, I was helping others make beats and rapping. That’s 20 plus years of dedication to a genre of music I love. In those 20 years, I’ve seen all types of music come and go. The cyclical nature of music never stops moving. When hip hop began, most people thought it would be a fad. “Give it ten years!” they said. “This isn’t music!” they said. Well, 40 years later and it’s pretty much the biggest genre of music in America (outside of country music and , maybe, EDM). What I’m saying is that hip hop has persevered. So much so, that I finally feel I can move on from it. I’ve done my part…time to expand my horizons and step into a new beginning. I keep hearing about “trap music”. The kids seems to love it! The way people talk about it kinda reminds me of how people once spoke of dubstep, or maybe even drum and bass or , hey, remember Jungle music? Hell, good old downtempo and trip hop even once had the ” new car smell”. Oh and what about all those little sub-genres that came out of the UK that had the word “step” in them even though, to my totally ignorant ears. they all sounded kinda the same? Yeah, all those too. It’s clear to me that trap music is here to stay and, if there is one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s “when that new trend comes knocking, you better answer the door, brah”. That’s a saying, right? This mantra was most recently captured in my 2010 release “Blockhead Vs. The Cyborgs: A dub-step odyssey”.

I’ve always envied producers out there who were able to evolve with the times. I’m just some guy who makes beats. Always have been. I wish I could say “Oh my music? Well, I started making trance music but then got into jungle, I did some hip hop but then really started focusing on dubstep…but now? I’m all about that trap!” I mean, can you imagine the power that comes with those words? It’s like saying “Hey man, I DO IT ALL!”.

So, I feel like it’s time for me to take control of my destiny. It’s time to evolve with the times. hip hop won’t be here forever. I must embrace the new…and that new is called Trap music. Sure, this “new” music has actually been around in some form since the 90’s as what we used to refer to as double time hi-hats in southern hip hop. I mean, that did happen. But this is different! More 808’s and the double time drums are , like, totally triple time. I think. And sure, a genre of music called “trap music”, that’s title is based on the area of a ghetto where drugs are sold is an odd choice for the next EDM craze but, hey, the heart wants what the heart wants. Who cares if it’s being made by people who live nowhere near a “trap” and/or don’t even know what said “Trap” is. It’s music. So, lemme give this whole trap music a whirl! Goodbye hip hop. It was fun. You had a lot of attitude , spunk and we shared many great moments together. Like, remember that time Chuck D said “Bass! how low can you go?”. That was cool. What about that time I bought Illmatic on cassette? That was a fun time for sure. But, we can’t all live in the past. Trap music is the new thing and if I don’t get on it now, I might as well retire and start working at coffee shop. So, here is my trap song. My FIRST trap song! You can be assured that there will be MANY MANY more to come. I figure, after i drop this one, the money should start pouring in pretty steadily.  That’s how this works , right? I make one trap song and I become rich? Cool…I’m in. Check out my song “Molly boyz anthem”. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna change the face of music as we know it. YOU’RE WELCOME!

PS: I hate that I even have to write this part but , let’s be honest, people are dense. if you think any of this real or serious, I feel sorry for you and every one who knows you. Obviously, this is a joke. Just to give you some back story, I made the “Molly boys anthem” as a beat my friends and I were going to make a joke song over. The song was going to be about men nearing 40 years old, doing drugs. It never happened so this beat just was kinda sitting there. So, please…don’t freak out. I’m not actually ever going to make trap music.

It will be fun to see what people react to this in some certain way cause it will let me know who actually reads this bullshit that I write. In a way, this whole post is an experiment in reading comprehension and to see how reactionary people can be about this stuff. I really shoulda done this on April fools day. Shit. Missed opportunity.

PPS:Also, I’d like to say I have no issue with trap music or people who make it. This isn’t about that at all. So, if you make that kinda stuff, know this isn’t a dig at you or your music. This is more about the idea of trend hopping. Trap just happens to be what’s in now so I choose you. It’s all good, dudes.

Answers for Questions vol. 235

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G’day everyone. Welcome to “Answers for questions”. You ask, I do my best to answer. If you’d like to ask me anything…go nuts. Email me questions to: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Get creative. The better the question, the better the answer. Let’s gooooooo…

How old were you when you went to your first bar?


Good question.
I remember this very clearly. Back in the early 90’s, the NYC bar scene (at least downtown) was like the wild wild west. No one got carded. No one cared. This was pre-guiliani. So, the first time I went to a bar was new years eve, a couple months after turning 15. To be clear, I had drank a fair amount before that (house parties and 40’s from the bodega) but we never tried actually going to bars until that night. My two friends and I had nothing to do so we figured it would be fun to try out. Here’s the thing, I looked a little older. Mainly cause I was a tall kid. I was already 6 feet tall at this point. My face looked like a baby though. One of my other friends was similar to me. Tall but with a young face.The third friend, however, was the dead giveaway. He was shorter, chubby and had MASSIVE braces. Like you could see them from the moon. He was also the most outgoing of the three of us so it made for a funny situation.
I don’t know how we decided on what bar but we landed at this place called Mars bar. Little did we know, this was an nyc institution. It’s was a punk/biker bar we had walked by a million times. I suppose we chose it cause it looked like a dump and we figured we had a better chance of getting served at a shithole than somewhere kinda nice. We were right.
We go in and it’s full of adults. Obviously…it’s a bar. I can’t begin to fathom what people in there must have thought. We were clearly three children, dressed like 15 year olds in 1991, ordering drinks like “gin gimlet” or “margarita” cause we had no fucking idea what we were doing. There is a certain type of nervousness that went with ordering drinks at a bar as an underage person that is it’s very own thing. It’s as if you’re just waiting for someone to pull back the curtain at all times. I can’t imagine how timidly I must have ordered my drink but I’d be shocked if it wasn’t whispered. My brace faced buddy though? He was in there chatting up the bartender and ordering like it was owed to him.

Another thing I should add is that, we went SUPER early. It was new years eve and we must have gotten in there around 8 pm. Add on that were were novices with the alcohol tolerance of a squirrel and it was a short night. There was a window of fun in there though. My brace faced friend was hitting on every girl in there and that was hilarious. Watching a chubby, brace wearing dork with a fucking Jim Morrison shirt on trying to bag a 27 year old gutter punk girl ,with green hair and cloths pins in her eye brow ,was the best. He was on fire that night…until he wasn’t…around 10 or 10:30 we had had our fill and were way too drunk. We walked outside and my friend with the braces began to vomit violently between two cars. The rest of us weren’t feeling too hot either. We dumped out barfy bud off at his house and my friend crashed at my place. We both also eventually barfed and passed out before midnight. I distinctly recall the sounds of celebration coming from the streets outside my window , as the room was spinning while my eyes were shut.
Lessons were learned. The next day was my first hangover.
Years later I would go back to that bar as a legal drinker and it always bugged me out how small it was. It felt huge that first night. Sadly, it closed a few years back and is now a bank or a duane reade. :(

It dawned on me while listening to Eric Sermon’s verse on Housing Things that there are quite a bit of classic rappers that were successful despite their speech impediments. Off the top I’d put the RZA at the top of the list.

What are some of your favorite lispy rappers or rap moments?

Well, Kool G rap is probably my all time favorite rapper so that’s one right there. Lil Fame from M.O.P. is another one. Phantasm from the Cella Dwellers.
Sermon and Rza are in there as well.
You don’t really see rappers with speech impediments anymore. It’s kinda similar to how, back in the 70’s a pop singer could be terrible looking as long as the talent was there but , now, that kinda thing is very rare. I highly doubt speech impediments have stopped existing so I gotta think that no one in the current era is giving those guys a chance. It’s too bad too cause , as with all the dudes listed above, it can work nicely. Unless the got a stutter. Sadly, i can’t see rap ever embracing a real deal stutter.

Do you ever sing in the shower? How’s your singing voice in general?

Not with any regularity but I have done it in my life. If I have a certain song trapped in my head and need to exorcise those demons, singing in the shower often helps.
My singing voice is decent. I can hold a tune, harmonize and I’m decent at mimic-ing other people voices. That said, I’ve got one of those voices that is not good or bad enough to work in any real context. Like, even in something like Karaoke. I’m that weird middle ground where I won’t be funny cause I suck and I won’t be impressive cause I can really sing. I’ll just be the guy who can kinda sing okay. I sang a good amount on the Party Fun action committee album and on Aesop’s song “Cook it up“. You find my vocal stylings on those if you really want to feel the full impact.

why do you think Aes is seemingly only getting better (and more popular)? like what quality of him as a person forces his (other than 08-10) consistent and ever-evolving delivery?

i mean his rhymes and beats have both gone from ‘this dude is really good’ to ‘this dude is one of the best'; few people have it in them to actually ‘progress’ as artists to the degree that he has.

HOW DOES HE DO IT!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

I’d say cause he works really hard and won’t allow himself to be half assed. He is easily the most focused artist I’ve ever seen and his work ethic is epic. I think a lot of artists who have been making music and locked down their fan bases get comfortable. Aes has never been like that. He always wants to improve and even move outside his own comfort zone.
It’s funny to me when I meet fans at shows who say shit like “Man, you guys need to remake float!” cause he’s SOOOOO much better now. I realize people have this emotional connection to his older stuff (and my older stuff, for that matter) but, if you step back he’s so much better now than he was then. It’s not even close.

I turn 26 this year and thus will no longer be under my parent’s health or dental insurance. Gross teeth scare the shit out of me so I’m afraid of not being able to afford to go to the dentist. I’ve graduated college but am still looking for that full time job with benefits I’ve heard rumors about existing. So this begs the questions: How do you rank your teeth? Perfect straight and white? False? Somewhere in between? Do you go to the dentist? How do you do health and dental hygiene things? What is your insurance situation?

My teeth are cool. I never had braces. I didn’t have a cavity until I was in my mid 30’s. I got lucky. Admittedly, I don’t go to the dentist very often. I went maybe 3 years ago. My health insurance doesn’t cover it so I’d probably only go if I felt I had an issue. As far as I can tell, I’m all good right now. I try and take care of my teeth and my history of healthy teeth definitely gives me some comfort.
Outside of that, I do have health insurance that I pay way too much money for. My doctor is kind of a shit head (he gave my antibiotics for something that was clearly an allergy related sickness) but , on the bright side, he’s very available and , anytime I feel sick or hurt myself, I can walk over to the office five blocks away and get checked up on relatively fast. So that’s nice.

Have you checked out: ‘Fuck, That’s Delicious?’. How do you feel about a rapper commentating about food? I love many if these episodes, but I work in the food industry. How does the other-side of the coin feel about these cross-overs? I know you’ve been asked foodie questions before, but I would like your insight.
I have and I love it. Bronson is a hilarious and entertaining dude. I can’t imagine any rap people taking issue with him doing that show. I mean, the dude was a cook. That alone makes it perfectly logical. To me, it’s no different than Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern. I love those kinda shows so, to me, it was a no brainer. I think they should give more rappers food related shows. Like take some closed minded (food wise) rapper who only eats fast food and make him eat some high end cuisine. That would be awesome.

What’s your favorite time of day?

Depends on the day. I’m somewhat of a night owl but I’m also not someone who does much at night. I basically loaf around. But, to me , my favorite part of a day would be when I play basketball or eat a good meal. in general though, I don’t get too specific with that kinda thing. It should also be noted that my days can easily just kinda blend together. I don’t do much some days so the difference between 11 am and 6 pm in minimal.

Which version of this song is better?

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Listen, I’m not up on new music. I follow some new hip hop but, outside of that, I might as well be 70 years old. I simply don’t pay attention to most other genres. So, the other day, I was hanging with a buddy and he had music playing in the house (shout out to Marley Carroll). A song comes on and my ears perk up. This is literally the only way I discover non-rap music nowadays. I ask some questions and he tells me it’s a remix of another song. He then plays me the original and I’m like “What the fuuuck?!?!” cause the two versions are so completely different. As someone who does remixes, this song didn’t just get remixed. It got turned upside down and flipped into an entirely different genre of music.
At first, I preferred the remix cause, well, it’s simply more up my alley. It’s was like an old soul/motown song. That’s kinda my shit. But, as I listened more to the original, I fell in love with that too.
So, I’m curious to see where you guys stand.
The Song is “Seasons (Waiting for you)” by Future Islands. If you’re aware of new music, you know it well. Everyone I’ve mentioned it to has rolled their eyes to me like “Uh, yeah, loser…that song is old. Where have you been?”.
Here’s the original:


It’s just a really catchy 80’s sounding synth pop joint. The dude has a cool voice and the emotion in the song is palpable. Then you hear this version:

That is the BADBADNOTGOOD reinterpretation. Hearing this for the first time, it blew my mind that the singer wasn’t a 70 year old black dude.
As I always do when I like something new, I fall deeply into an internet wormhole learning about that group or song. What I uncovered was that the lead singer, Samuel T. Herring, was 40, which blew my mind cause I support late in life music success. However, that was debunked. I was off by a decade. Oh well. I also discovered he’s an amazing live performer/a crazy man on stage.

But even more than that, in what is the shock of all shocks, this dude fucking raps. WHAT!?!?! Under the alias Hemlock Ernst



Crazy.

So, what I wanna know is, which version of “Seasons (Waiting for you)” Do you prefer? Poll time!

Preview reviews vol. 10

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It’s time once again for the ultimate time saver. So many movies come out every year. It’s hard to keep up. I love films but who has time to go see a movie every week? Instead, I find it easier to just watch the trailers and reviews those. Why? Cause most movies are so full of shit, do you really need to watch the whole thing to get the picture? The 2.5 minutes of preview is more than enough for me. So, let’s all go to the movie…preview section of youtube.

Straight Outta Compton

Music biopics are tough. ESPECIALLY when most of the people in the movie are both still alive and have their hands in the pot. If I wrack my brain, I can think of some decent Biopics. “Ray”…was okay. “Cadillac Records” was watchable. “Walk the line” wasn’t terrible. But, even those movies were slightly off. There’s something about retelling a story that actually happened that hollywood can never fully embrace with honesty. In the case of this new NWA movie, I’m expecting full blown bullshit to the gills. Will I watch it on cable? Hell fucking yeah I will. It’s a rap biopic. How could I not? But, man, it’s gonna be fucking bad.
The thing about movies like this is that they’re generally made for people who know nothing about the subject. It makes sense that it would be like that to attract a larger audience but, for those people who actually know about NWA, this will no doubt be offensive. Outside of the movie just looking corny and formulaic, I’m basing this on the fact that MC ren doesn’t appear in any of the previews I’ve seen. How the fuck you gonna make a movie about NWA and not mention Ren? I’m guessing he’ll be in this entire movie as a dude in background of every scene with random one off lines like “Yeah!” or “These people don’t even know!”. I get if they buried Yella, but Ren? That’s just disrespectful. In fact, I’d rather watch an MC Ren documentary than this piece of shit movie. Where’s Ren? I wanna know!

Premature

I’m not even gonna front. This probably has some funny moments in it and will make a perfect cable movie. Something I can watch half heartedly while texting and playing candy crush.
The thing I take issue here is where it says “Like a mix between groundhogs day and American pie!”
Hold up there, breh. This isn’t a “mix” of anything. It’s the exact same fucking plot as Groundhogs day , but in high school, so it’s kinda like “American Pie” too. THE SAME FUCKING THING. So, wait, you’re telling me this kid wakes up every day in the same day? And then , as the days pass, he learns the importance of his life or whatever? No shit. Lemme guess, he gets some sort of spiritual redemption at the end? Get all the way the fuck outta here with that shit.
Listen, I know hollywood has run out of ideas and has been remaking 80’s and 90’s movies for a while now. But this one? It’s not even trying to be different. It’s as if, it was conjured in a boardroom meeting but people picking movie names out of a hat.
“Okay, let’s see…I got “scream” and “What about bob?”
“Nah, pick again…”
“Okay, I got “Blade runner” and “Who framed Roger rabbit?”. That could be really good!”
“Eh, doesn’t feel right. Pick again.”
“Umm..,let’s see…”American pie” and “Groundhogs day”?”
“YES! I’ll start writing the script tonight!”

Paul Blart: Mall cop 2

One of the times in my life I was most offended was when someone told me I looked like Kevin James. It stung deep. Granted it was a drunk rapper who said it and I get the feeling he thought all white people look alike but still…I’ll never forget it. But I digress.
For some reason, I have watched Paul Blart Mall cop 1. Well, lemme correct that…I watched about 20 minutes of it and turned it off. That may not sound like anything out of the ordinary but I actually have a high threshold for shitty movies. I’ve watched “Rent” in it’s entirety. I’ve seen “Little man” a few times in passing. But “Paul blart mall cop”? Couldn’t do it…and I was on a fucking plane. Do you know how bad a movie has to be to stop watching it on a plane? That means I’d rather sit in silence, watching the back of seat than even try to entertain myself with a movie. It was that bad. Let’s be honest, Kevin James isn’t very funny. He’s likable. I don’t hate him and I bet he’s a nice guy who, in person, might actually be kinda funny. But as an actor and comedian? Nah, B. He’s got one of those careers that baffles me cause I’ve literally never met a person who champions him. I understand the popularity of the blue collar comedy tour comics more than I do the fact there is a second Paul Blart movie. “Oh, look at the inept dork on a segway fumble his way into crime solving”. Clearly, this is for the kids. I just feel bad for all the parents out there that will have to sit through this horse shit. Shit like that will make you resent your kid and question why you even made him/her in the first place. Thanks Paul Blart!

Hot Pursuit

Every now and then a preview comes along and, right off the bat, you get that feeling of “ohhh…this is a bad idea…”. Unlikely buddy movies often elicit that response cause, let’s face it, it’s well worn territory. Even ones with two actors who I like are kinda suspect. In a way, buddy movies are where funny people end up after they’ve had a little success and wanna cash in. It’s the comedians version of a special effects driven blockbuster. They’re also seemingly a testing ground for Tv actors trying to jump onto the big screen.
In the case of “Hot Pursuit”, we got two ladies I have no problem with. Say what you will about Reese Witherspoon but she’s been good in a bunch of movies and is likable enough. Sofia Vergara…seems like the best person of all time. Is she funny? I dunno. I don’t watch Modern Family. All I know is that she’s insanely hot and old. I also know that she’s famous for literally sleeping her way to the top in the south american soap opera world and I actually respect that…cause it clearly paid off.
But this movie, and movies like it, are so formulaic it’s a wonder they still bother even making it. Still, it feels like one comes out every year and yields the same results. Hi-jinx!
I think what’s most curious about this is who is it’s target audience? Bored Women? Milf lovers? Gay dudes? Latino people? Deaf people? It dips it’s toes in all those pools but, really, i feel like the majority of all those groups can find better movies to fulfill their generalized needs.
This movies is definitely one that I will one day watch on a plane…unless it costs money. i wouldn’t pay to see this bullshit in a million years.

Current events: Let’s talk about these Youtube clips

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It’s been a fun week for ridiculous videos. I figured it might be enjoyable to watch some and take an in depth look at them. Sure, why not?
Let’s start with a clip that was all over my facebook wall: The case of the girl who “didn’t” have sex with all of the Wu-tang clan

Now, watching this clip, I have mixed feelings. For one, I don’t think this girl fucked every member of Wu-tang clan. That would be impossible. You’re telling me Cappadonna and Masta Killa really got in there? No way. I think the ex-boyfriend is being totally presumptive and assuming the worst. I’d even go as far to say as I bet there isn’t a girl on earth who has slept with EVERY Wu-tang member. 3 or 4 of them? Sure. 5 or 6 even. But all of them? Getting them together in a room would be hard enough. Add on they’re all there to have sex with the same woman and you’re looking at odds similar to lightening striking the same person three times.
That said, the girl in this video has a look in her face that I’ve seen before. The look of someone who is totally full of shit but still smugly happy with herself. She found her way onto the Wu-tang Tour bus and hung out until 7 AM. I’ve toured enough to know that, unless you’re old school buddies with artists, pg rated shit does not go down on tour buses or in hotels after 2 am. My guess? She smoked a ton of weed. She drank a ton of booze. She saw at least one penis and sperm was involved. Whether she had vaginal sex or just used other orifices , I can’t tell you. But if you put her on a lie detector test, I’m pretty sure she would know the answer to “What does inspectah decks dick taste like?”. I only say this cause groupies gonna groupie. She can play dumb and say “Oh, I was just hanging out as friends!” but these are rappers we’re talking about. Not spiritual folk musicians who just wanna talk about the cosmos. They’re not trying to build lasting friendships with random midwest groupies. They are there for business. Again, I’ve seen this all first hand over and over again. It’s simply how the game goes. If they legit want nothing sexual from these women they meet after shows, honestly, they’d bounce. They’d go to bed cause sleep is rare on tour and you get it when you can. If they’re loyal husbands, they go to bed even earlier. Wu-tang clan IS something to fuck with, if you’re a drunken blonde girl in ann arbor michigan at 4 am on a tour bus. Not judging her cause, hey, they’re legends. But , even though he took it too far, her ex man definitely has a case.
After all, it was “one of the greatest nights of her life”. I’ve had some great conversations in my time…but I’m pretty sure none of them hold up as the “greatest night” of anything. That time I jerked of Raekwon while the GZA watched and played chess, though? I’ll never forget it.

The second vid to talk about is the new Sir Jarlsberg video.
It’s an ode to NYC public access. I realize this is a reference that will be lost on many of you but, holy shit does he nail it. I grew up watching this kinda stuff and it’s pitch perfect.

It should be noted that this contains clips of some real public access stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. Just to give you a reference point. Also, I make an appearance , so there’s that too.

The third video is of Madonna kissing Drake at Coachella

Now, I’m not trying to write a think piece on this dumb kiss. Inappropriate public kisses BEEN madonnas thing forever. I more wanna talk about drakes reaction AKA did he just drake castor oil out of a homeless mans boot?
Now, he’s gone on record saying something like her lip balm was funky tasting. RIGGGHHHHTTTT. We all know that shit flavored lip balm that famous people use. Seeing that that is clearly not true, I wanna go through 10 possible theories of what happened
1)A moth ball fell out of her mouth into his.
2)He could taste the remnants of Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman.
3)The fact she wouldn’t let him touch her hair was a huge turn off to him as,it it known, drake loves nothing more than brushing girls hair.
4)She spat in his mouth.
If I can expand on this one a little…when I was 15 or 16, my first real girlfriend and I were making out. For some reason, she thought it would be funny to spit in my mouth. My reaction was not far off from Drake’s in this clip except I was furious. I dunno, seeing it unfold just bought back those feelings. It’s possible.
5)Drake’s current girl was there so he had to play it off like it was gross.
6)It was, in fact, gross cause madonna is old and disgusting now. His reaction was a natural “ewwwwww…”
7)Her dentures fell into his mouth
8)Drake is grossed out but not having a serious emotional connection withe very girl he ksises. Simply put, he felt vulnerable and that reaction was soul saying “Not cool, bro…she’s somebodies mother!”
9)She burped into his mouth
10)She had kabala breath.
It’s gotta be one or more of those. Hopefully a full investigation will take place so we can get to the bottom of this urgent matter.

Last ,but not least, this video of a russian kid doing a cover of a Linkin park/Jay-z song.

First off, has there been a worse idea ever in music that bringing
jay-Z and Linkin Park together? Probably but this was reallllly fucking bad. But, let’s push that to the side for now and discuss people who record cover song videos for youtube. Specifically, for rap songs.
What is wrong with you? Where did life go wrong for you? Why? How? Who did this to you and where did the bad man touch you?
I get it on some level. It’s like Karaoke , but alone with a go pro. It’s just further proof that we are living in a coddled and delusional time like no other. Everyone thinks they’re special and no one is telling them otherwise. Well, let me be the first to say it then. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO ONE CARES. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, NOT WITH YOU. Feel free to apply those statements to an and all things most people do on earth that involves someone else having to sit and watch them. I’ll include myself and my own career in there as well. I’m okay with that.