Yay or Nay: This SWAG TOOF Video

Sometimes a good video can really give you a different perspective on music. There have been countless times I’ve seen a video for a song I probably normally would gloss over and then ended up loving it cause, subconsciously , I connect the music to the visuals. This isn’t always a mirage though. Sometimes, it’s actually a deeper look into the aesthetics of a group. A good video will sometimes help you “get” a groups mission statement.
So, here we have a video by the group SWAG TOOF. It’s just so fucking weird and awesome. Add in the beat is dope and the raps are kinda crazy in a ridiculous way and , well, here we are.

Thing is, I looked through a few of their other videos and , while I see why people fuck with these dudes, it was a case of “eh, this isn’t for my old ass”. As much as i don’t wanna admit it, I still hold on to some old school rap biases. It’s hard for me to look at the members of this group (a white dude with dreads down to his ass and a guy who looks like Stitches but soft) and be okay with that. I realize this is short sighted and unfair. More than anything, it’s just me dating myself. The old rules of authenticity no longer apply to rap music. Funny thing is, you’re reading this and probably on either side of this argument. You agree and are stuck in a similar mindset or you’re young and shaking your head at the old man. But, what can I say? A man can only try so hard to keep his tastes relevant.
That said, this particular video and song? I think it’s awesome. I can’t say if it’s cause it doesn’t show the members of if the song just works but I’m not going to question that.
So, join me in dropping all preconceived notions for just a moment and tell me what you think of this particular song.

Answers for Questions vol. 265

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Wow, it’s been a while. I’m back from the road and I forgot what it was like to wake up and write one of these.
Thanks to all those who came out to see me open for Emancipator on the west coast. I had a blast and will be hitting the road again next year. Hopefully, coming to your town.
Anyway, this is “Answers for Questions”. You ask, I answer. If you have anything you wanna ask me (and I do mean anything), fire away. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or simply leave the questions in the comment section below. Get weird. Get creative. Don’t be basic. That’s all I ask.
Okay, Let’s get back to business…

Whats the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex (or rubbed one out)? i.e. movie theater, airplane bathroom, Chuck-e-cheese ball pit, etc…

I’ve never been one to really get too weird with my locations. I had sex on a beach but that’s about it for public sex. I guess I’m just a man of comfort. Like, quickly banging away in alley way while homeless people sleep a few feet away is cool and all but I’d rather be indoors, on a soft surface.
As for jerking off, I’ve never even thought of doing that anywhere in public. Probably cause I have self control. It’s cool. It’s stops me from whipping my cock out in public and blowing loads all over the place simply cause I feel the urge. It’s a real game changer.

If you had to choose between a pogo stick or a unicycle as your sole means of transportation which would you choose? (please note that choosing the unicycle does not magically bestow you with the ability to ride one. Unless you already know how, you’re gonna have to learn)

Here’s the thing, I can’t ride a pogo stick either so I’d be starting from scratch either way. For that reason, the obvious choice is unicycle. I’m sure , once I got the hang of it, I’d be whipping around town like some meth head carny. Easy choice.

Tell us things about the new Aesop album. Are you producing any tracks?
It’s really dope. He did all the beats (I did a remix for a song though).
Outside of that, I can’t really tell you anything. You gotta wait and find out.

Would you rather know the date you’ll die but not the year, or the year you’ll die but not the date?
I’d rather not know either of those things. If I had to choose , I guess the date not the year. At least, that way, I could enjoy 364 other days a year. In fact, i could live downright recklessly on those days. I’m sure , on my death date, I’d literally lock myself in a room and live as safely as possible. Like , only eat foods I can’t choke on, move as little as possible…that kind of thing. If I knew the year, I’d spend the whole time just waiting for it to happen and that’s no good. I’m a guy who can’t sleep when I know I have an early flight the next day. Imagine how I’d be if I thought I was gonna die every day? Fuck all that noise.

If you had to give up porn or youtube, what would you choose?

Damn son…really testing me here. That’s a seriously hard question. They both serve such a purpose for me. Now, for the sake of my mental health, I guess I’d give up porn. I have no idea what I’d jerk off to but , I imagine, it would be for the better in the long term. The thing about giving up youtube is that that’s pretty much everything else. Like, what, I’m gonna spend the rest of my life ONLY watching vimeo clips? youtube covers so much ground I don’t think I could function without it.

Do you still ever watch The Walking Dead? Please name any characters that you detest more than “fucking Carl” (from any TV show).

I do still watch it and this season has been one of the better in recent memory.
That said, Carl gonna carl and he will forever and always be the worst. There is no one worse than Carl on the show or on any other show. He’s the absolute worst person on TV. Including donald trump. Yup. Fuck Carl. In fact, I prefer to spell his name KKKarl just drive home what a piece of shit he is.

What kind of fantasy basketball league do you play in?

12 teams, head to head. Simple stuff. I’m the commissioner and it’s pretty much just me and 11 of good friends who spend the entire season complaining, taunting and disliking each other. It’s the best.

Things that are wrong with the world vol. 33

Maybe it’s cause I’m based in NYC but , over the last three days this clip of a youtube based reality show called “The bedford Stop” has been popping up everywhere. It’s pretty much like that MTV show “The hills” except it takes place in Williamsburg , Brooklyn. It’s exactly what you might think…well…maybe not. Remember when people spoke of Williamsburg as the epicenter of hipsterism? It was a while ago but #neverforget. Well, those days are gone and now it’s apparently home to the most basic of basic people of all time. At least that’s what “The Bedford stop” would have us believe.
Avert your eyes, cover your ears, grab a vomit pouch. This is The Bedford Stop. I’m so so sorry.

Now, I could harp on how NYC and Brooklyn are becoming terrible cause of people like this moving in and how it’s changed and blah blah blah. Listen, that’s old news. We all know that it’s beyond the typical gentrification horseshit cause now even the original gentrifying white people hate the new white people moving in. People will actually say shit like “I moved her in 2007 , before all this stuff happened” like that validates anything. It’s double gentrification. I’ve spent enough time complaining about NYC related stuff on this blog over the years and, trust me, I know you’re sick of reading it. Instead, I’d like to discuss these girls. Or, i should say, the type of girls they are. The term “Basic bitch” gets thrown around a lot. sometimes it’s fitting and sometimes it’s seemingly just said to try and make a point with no real merit. But, with these girls…I start to wonder. Where did they come from? How did they become these people? What kind of monsters were their parents to mold such completely worthless humans? It’s a special kind of parental failure that creates kids like this. Instead of being raised on a diet of abuse and fear that might turn a good kid into a troubled one, I’m thinking these parents showered their kids with gifts and entitlement. Everything they wanted was at their fingertips. Coddled and told they were special from the day they were born to the day the left for college, even though they never had an original or interesting thought in their entire life. Creating a vapid , empty, stepford human who’s only point of existence is to eat brunch, drink wine, say “like” a lot, and waste many natural resources.
Now, there is obviously a male counterpart to these awful people but no ones giving them a show. Four vertical striped ,button up shirt wearing bro’s , watching college football and talking about who they fingered last night just doesn’t make for a compelling watch. I mean, neither does a show about these girls but what sets it apart is seemingly the audiences desire to want to physically harm the people on the screen. With every “Um, OMG, did you text you baccckkk?” or “Work hard, play harder!” any self respectful human being with their own thoughts and feelings tenses up. It’s the television equivalent to hate fucking. Nothing new. The Kardashian’s been running that game for years.

But, again, how did we get here? Vapidness is nothing new. Shallow and thoughtless people have been around since the cavemen days, no question. But when and why did being this person become the norm for “basic” people? Like all bad things, I choose to partially blame the internet. For all it’s good, it’s done just as much bad. The youth is a bunch of people who speak in meme’s and emojis. Something which I don’t even think is necessarily bad. But when that becomes all you have to offer? We have a problem. Your existence becomes recycled material. These types of people are basically breathing version of played out internet memes minus the part where they were ever funny. They’re watered down beyond recognition. As an old person who’s well out of any place where what I think is relevant, all I can do is sit back and watch it spread. It’s like the blob but with blonde hair and an ipod full of bullshit. It’s bigger than Williamsburg. These people exist everywhere. In different shapes, sizes and colors. It’s the new norm. Orange is the new black (is one of their favorite shows to watch, btw). All I can ask is, to you people having kids or parents to young children, your job is not create these kinds of people. Do what ever you can. Chris Rock said his only job was to keep his daughter off the pole. Well, your only job is keep your daughter from becoming a girl who might get a professional tinder pic taken and yell shit like “I’m just looking for a husbanndddddddd!” drunkenly at age 22. Please. I beg of you. Make it stop.

Answers for Questions vol. 264

What’s up. Welcome to another edition of “answers for questions”. You ask, I answer. If you have a fun/interesting question you want me to answer, fire away. leave them in the comment section or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com

So, I’m headed out west today to do a few weeks on the road with Emancipator. If you live anywhere along the coast from B.C. canada to San diego, I’m probably playing somewhere kinda near you. Peep the dates here: http://blockheadmusic.com/ come see your boy.
This also means my blog output may be a bit stilted the next few weeks but, hey, do you really give a shit? Probably not. I’ll try and write stuff here and there though.
Anyway, here’s this weeks batch…

If you were a fan of you, what question would you ask you?
Oooff…Man, I dunno. I’d probably be one of those very random , non-music related questions. Something that would possibly garner a funny story or humor on some level. Those are the questions I like answering the most so I’d try to make that happen. But, clearly, my imagination is so dead right now I can’t even think of an example.

Blockhead, how common do you think it is for guys to have tasted their own semen? It think that it would be extremely common, regardless of sexual orientation.
I think it’s not that rare but I also don’t think it’s the norm. It falls in between. I personally have never. I ate boogers as a kid. I think I even put my ear wax in my mouth once. But i never had the urge to taste my own jizz. That said, I’ve certainly spoken to a good deal of dudes who have. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It just comes down to your level of curiosity. I never had that “I wonder what my cum tastes like?” moment, I guess.

I’ve been listening to your music since 2011 and reading your blog for some time now as well, but I never had a chance to go to your show due to geographical issues, i.e. me living and working in the middle of nowhere.

So, let’s say I came to your show, had a good time (goes without saying), went over to the merch stand, shook your hand, told you it was great and how I loved your blog (seems like you like to hear that), took a photo of me smiling like a hyena and you… well, doing what you feel like and I wanted to spend a bunch of money on stuff you’re selling to show my love and support (no irony here, usually if I like the artist and the show, I want to buy something to give him/her/them some financial… erm… boost? Also, to make them interested in coming again).

What do you have to offer? My wallet is itching, man…

Like, merch wise? I got cd’s, records and t-shirts. It depends what I have in stock at that moment but I generally have a few of those available at every show.
At the moment, I only have a new t-shirt I just got made, “Bells and whistles” on vinyl and “uncle tony’s coloring book” on Cd. I’m waiting on a shipment of more cd’s and records though. Sadly I won’t have them for this tour I’m leaving for today.

On a scale from 0-100 (0 being, you believe absolutely NOTHING the USA has said about the moon landings and space travel; 100 being, you believe absolutely EVERYTHING the USA has said about the moon landings and space travel) where do you land?
Hmm…80? I’m not a skeptical guy about that kind of thing and I’m absolutely not into conspiracy theories. But, more than that, I honestly don’t really give a shit. Did they go to the moon? Probably. Does that make my day/life any different if they didn’t? Not at all. Doubting things takes effort and, most of all, interest. Two things I’m generally low on, when it comes to space travel.
I’m kind of a sucker in a way cause I will believe some things simply cause I’m told them. Like, if i have no reason to not believe it or if it makes sense…I’ll just go along with it cause , regardless of what i think, it’s not that big a deal to be either way. Like if you tell me “Did you know that yogurt works as a subtle mood enhancer?” I’d probably just be like “No shit? cool” cause why the fuck not? I don’t care enough to fact check a person and i don’t get off on disproving people over pointless facts.

In terms of beauty trends, 2015 has been a huge year for eyebrows. Bold and polished brows have been everywhere. Is this something that you even notice as a guy?
The only time I noticed this is when I posted that Rihanna remix I did and the pic my friend used of her (for the jpeg) was her with massive brows. Then, people saw that and started commenting on it. Other then that, I haven’t noticed a huge trend towards caterpillar like eye brows. Which is good cause that’s not a good look for anyone.

Do you think it’s common for musicians to become depressed when they’re touring (in my mind, touring seems like it would have some fun parts, but it seems sooooo isolating and exhausting).
I don’t know about depressed but tired and run down? definitely.
Touring can kick your ass. Especially if you’re partying. After a while, the days just kinda all blend together. I’m normally good at remembering where I play and details of certain shows but if you put me on the road for two weeks, with a show every night, by the 5th show, it’s a blur. You go into “Tour mode” where it’s pretty much just moving forward without thinking. Your only goal is to be up for the show. So the entire rest of the day you’re just kinda out of it. But, I wouldn’t say that’s being depressed. They’re very different feelings.
Also, the longer you’ve been touring and the older you are, the more zonked out you get. Young artists touring for the first time are just having a great time.

Before you were able to make a living off of your music, what was the shittiest job you ever had? I’ve answered a variation of this a few times but I’ll do it again for the nose bleed seats.
I have had many shitty jobs. I worked as a “teachers assistant” in a special ed school, I was a bus boy, I worked in multiple coffee shops. Pretty much any job I ever held was not impressive.
My shittiest job was working as a security guard at Kim’s video. This was an NYC chain that specialized in alternative movies and music. I somehow fell into a job there as a security guard even though they bought me in to work at a cafe they had opened. The cafe closed and i was fucked, noticed they needed staff to be security and they just gave me job. No training. Nothing. That job consisted of standing in one place for 10 hours at a time , making sure no one stole anything. I was the youngest guy there (I was 20 at the time) and the only person doing that job who wasn’t literally from africa. I would stand in the corner of the cd section just pretending to watch for thieves. I never caught anyone. Probably cause i was just zoning out the whole time and, even if I did see someone take some shit, I’d just let it go cause who gives a shit? It wasn’t even that bad a job…it’s was just incredibly boring. Still, better than millions of other shit jobs i could have had.

Demo Reviews Vol. 75

Hello and welcome to another edition of “Demo reviews” you guys sent me songs and wanted my opinion. well, guess what? You got it. For better or for worse.
I’m accepting submissions. Are you a budding rapper or producer? Well, now is you chance to let people other than your friends hear your shit as well as have me, a complete stranger possibly tell you it sucks. Before submitting, YOU MUST read the rules. Read THIS the proceed. I’m very strict about this so don’t waste both of our time.
The reviews work like so: I write a paragraph or two on what I think then arbitrarily rate the songs from 1-10 in the categories

That’s about it. Let’s see what we got this week.

Artist: Ghost the garden
Song: Neptune’s Nose Blood

This one is a slow burn. The build up is long but deliberate. It’s tightly crafted and all the sounds used are tasteful. I’m not sure what mood this fits but it’s something. I feel as though whoever made this knows what they are doing which is rare around these parts. Musically, it’s not my cup of tea personally but undeniably well done.
Production:7.5 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: Prelusive
song: Lost in Thought

This is a good example of someone taking a sample and playing around with it and a really effective way. The original piano loop is awesome and the way he/she changes it really elevates the whole track. The build up is nice to. I don’t know if it has much direction, sequence wise, but that’s a minor complaint. I like some of the drums (the snare) but other aspects of them I’m not wild about. Regardless, it’s a a job well done. Definitely could have been about 2 minutes shorter though.
Production:7 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Lucky punch
song: To all my peoples ft. salmon arms

This brings those 1997 drums and the 1997 cuts. I’m not mad at that but the DJ Premier influence is strong on this one. There are some variations but this is pretty much just a beat. I was kinda hoping a rapper would start in at some point. Definitely a good beat for that.
Production:5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Possible Address
Song: Ode to Marclay

This is also just a beat fancied up to pass of as a “song”. One change up, and outro and a vocal sample does not a song make. Overall, it’s pretty boring. The change up is cool but the starting part doesn’t really draw me in. I feel like there is potential in this producer though.
Production:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Sporasia
Song: Waiting for you

A song with raps! Jesus…this week was starting to bum me out, even thought it’s been high quality thus far.
Well, sadly, this is not the rap I was hoping to hear. The beat is amateur and uninteresting. It’s not the worst but it’s just kinda there. The rapping means well but it’s extremely rough around the edges. I’ve never been a fan of raps that sound like someones love letter to someone else or a diary installment. But more than that, the voice and the flow are just not there yet. I feel like that’s gotta catch up to his writing.
Production:4 out of 10
vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Jonathan Brown
Song: Nobody

I would like to advise against the accapella intro unless you have an REALLY good, powerful voice. This guys voice is not bad but not THAT good. Just a thought.
It kinda sets the table oddly cause when he starts rapping over the beat the mix sounds weird. Like it was recorded live or something.
That aside, the beat is cool. Sounds like a band. The rapper is solid. He’s a touch wistful and angst-y and that’s not my bag but there are plenty of people who like this kind of vibe and his energy feels authentic.
Production:5.5 ouf 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Scam Syllable
Song:The greatest Trick

This is a weird little electro sounding track. Sounds a bit flimsy. The mix is kinda shitty , to be honest and the drums are bad stock sounds. Like, replace these drums with really dope ones and this track is 100% different. That said, some of the music is interesting and, if sharpened up could be pretty good.
Also, skip the “usual suspects” samples. That shit is beyond played out.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Song:Champions Ft. Dinero baggs

Maybe it’s cause i’ve been wanting to hear rap this week but this feels good. It’s not even that good but it’s a feeling I was looking for. The beat is solid but , overall, kinda generic. There are little parts that are cool but then the snare is a little meh. Still, not mad at it.
The rappers aren’t reinventing the wheel but they do their thing. The energy of the song is kinda better then the song as a whole.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

What do you think?

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 6

Uberfacts is a twitter profile that vomits “truth” all day. Facts, in the loosest definition of the word. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s interesting and most of the time it’s total bullshit based on some study done by some guy. Whatever the case, I still find it interesting and , on occasion, will highlight some of their tweets and discuss them with you. Fun for the whole family!

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Teens, they’re just like us!
You know, having been in a relationship for 7 plus years then being single has been an eye opening experience. The way people meet and communicate has totally changed in that short period of time. Sure, back in the day, i’d go on myspace and leave a comment on someones page. Or I’d write a well crafted private message to get a girls attention. Those were simpler times. As the internet progresses, it seems as if the way we communicate within it simplifies to dangerously stupid levels. I recall, when i was still in my relationship, seeing single people floundering on social media. The amount of discussions that would involve someone “Liking a pic” or “They stopped following me” or “They used to like my pics and stopped…are they seeing someone?” were endless. Keep in mind, these were adults in their 30’s talking. Not the teens that Uberfacts “tested”. Now, i wasn’t blind to this stuff. Even the most married person on earth , who’s involved in social media is familiar with this line of thought. It’s not always based on the opposite sex. If betty from potluck tuesdays stops liking your “brisket of the week” pics, she will be put on notice.

Do you know how many relationships have ended over shit like this? People liking other peoples pics. People not liking this persons pics. “Who are you following?” “Why did that guy write that on your profile?”. It’s fucking insane. For every relationship started or groomed on Instagram and facebook, it kills about 15 others.

I just find it fascinating that these tiny things have become the markers for how another person feels. Cause, really, is there anything easier and less committal than “liking” a pic? It’s literally the least you can do outside of nothing. Still, if i were to go on some girls instagram and like 5 of her pics in a row randomly that is me basically sending a bat signal of “I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU”. It’s similar to wishing someone “happy birthday” on facebook. I’m sure I’m not alone in being mildly selective with who I send those wishes to. I’m not saying I withhold birthday wishes (sometimes I forget or I’m simply not paying attention) but there is a method to it and it’s totally premeditated. What I’m saying is that these pointless and completely simple acts do actually mean something and that’s kinda sad. But, still, like and retweet this post so I know it’s real or I…I…I just don’t know what I’ll do.

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“Shoulda had a snickers, your honor…then that man wouldn’t have had to die”

Did I ever tell you about the time I got yelled at in Jury duty? Probably, but this seems like a good time to re-up that.
So, about 10 years ago I had jury duty for the first time. I had avoided it for so long, I foolishly thought I had beat the system…turns out registering to vote has it’s downsides. Anyway, I go in the first day and sit in a room waiting for my name to be called. It’s never called. So, I go back the next day. Now, if my number wasn’t called that day, I was done with jury duty and my life was better for it. With an hour left in my time, my name finally got called and I was pretty annoyed by that.
I walk into the courtroom with a bunch of other miserable people and we all sit down in rows. A lawyer explains the case to us. It’s an arson case. While the lawyer is talking, I’m barely listening cause I’m trying to figure out a way to get out of being on this jury. Truth be told, i’d make an excellent juror. I have the perfect, even handed mind for it. However, ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I had things to do, like, I dunno…sit on my couch and not be on a jury.
So, I start listening to what the judge and lawyers are saying. Trying to find anything they say that I can turn onto myself to make my a less desirable juror. I could have gone with the classic “i’m a racist!” move but , i dunno…it just felt wrong and, also, I was in a room with a wide varieties of ethnicities and I’m not trying to actually have real people think I’m a racist. Luckily, the judge mentions that the defendant would not be taking the stand for this trial. Then asked if anyone had a problem with that. My hand shot up. The judge looked at me and said “Sir, what is you problem with that?”. I honestly hadn’t thought about that so, being the quick witted genius that I am I responded “Well, I dunno…it just seems kinda shady.” I could feel peoples posture change in the room as I had clearly made myself look like the dumbest motherfucker on earth. The judge paused, looked at me and said “So, you think the united states judicial system is shady?” to which I responded “well, no…but, you know…what is she hiding?”. The defendant herself was looking at me like “Are you fucking serious?”. Then the judge went into a 5 minute lecture of how the justice system works and why people do or do not take the stand, all while making sure I know that I’m a fucking idiot. My asshole was thoroughly ripped but I sat there and took it. It felt terrible but, you know what? it worked. I was home the next day with my ass on my couch and not on a jury.
I like to think, perhaps, if the judge had eaten before that interaction, I might not have been so lucky so shout out to that hungry judge!

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Wait…what? No fucking way, Uberfacts. Listen, I’m buying some of the shit you’re selling but a pill that makes people “Slightly” less racist. So many holes.
First off, what’s the test? Do they walk some white person into a room with a bunch of black dudes and test their pulse? And what’s the sliding scale of racism? “Before the pill, this guy would have murdered his daughter for bringing home a latino man but, now? He will be polite about and simply silently seethe over it in the privacy of his own bathroom”. Upgrade!
“Man, i used to hate asians but then I had a heart attack and my doctor put me on Propranolol. Now , i just kinda think they are only slightly less than me!”
Or what if the user is already not that racist (Newsflash: We’re all a LITTLE racist). Would that person all of sudden start disliking their own race? Can it go to far?
Now, I’m no scientist but it sounds to me like , if anything, this drug MAY cause people to feel slight tinges of empathy. And empathy goes all over the place. Not just based on race. That said, if you have a racist uncle , who happens to have heart issues , looks like you might have a go to drug to give him. Or maybe just withhold it from him cause he sounds like a dickhead and , only then, he may stop posting crazy shit on your facebook wall.

Pitbull: The curious case of human white noise

Here’s some insight to how my mind works.
There’s not a human alive who doesn’t stress out about things they cannot control. War, health, weather, death etc…
I am no different except I feel at peace with most things out of my grasp. I don’t like them, but I accept they will or will not happen , regardless of how I feel or what I do. So, instead of worrying about larger picture things I find myself giving great amount of thought to things that are no only out of my control but are also a completely stupid waste of time.
Case in point, the career of Miami rapper Pitbull.
Now, I’m not “mad” at Pitbull. He’s had great success and worked really hard to achieve that. Talent is all relative and i can tell you, from experience, it’s like the 5th most important thing where success in the arts in involved. Timing, who you know, luck and hustle are all light years ahead of talent. It sucks but it’s true. So, just to clarify, I respect Pitbull’s hustle. I don’t know him or anyone who knows him. I know very little about him outside that he’s on like 4 out of every 10 songs on the radio which feature raps about dancing. That’s all.

So, here’s how my brain works.
I’m sitting in this restaurant I often eat lunch at and they have the radio playing. Hot 97, of course, cause is there any other radio station in NYC? No, there is not.
I’m just fiddling around with my phone , not paying attention, when my food arrives. In the brief moment of disconnect between putting my phone down and eating my food, my ears catch a Pitbull verse playing through the diner speakers. It could have been any song he’s on. I literally cannot tell the difference. I’m pretty sure this one had Ne-yo or maybe chris brown doing the hook. I have no fucking clue. Whoever it was, for some reason, it made my mind swirl. His verse was nothing. It was as empty as the desert sky. It was words that rhyme , said in a hyped up, syncopated manner but, in the end, I was left holding my fork wondering how it even came to be. It was as if this is what free jazz musicians have been trying to achieve for decades yet Pitbull got there first. Lyrical negative space.

Pitbull, from what I know, started like most other rappers. He came up through the underground. Getting acclaim locally, then on a more nationwide level. He was probably named Pitbull cause of how he rapped and not cause he actually looks like a Pitbull. (Clearly, his name would be MC newborn gerbil if he was basing his name on his appearance). So, it’s a fair bet that he got his name cause of his ferocious nature on the mic. I mean, here’s a vid of him rapping a long long time ago. 1997 to be exact. Proof he can actually rap.

Now, like all famous rappers who start one place and end up elsewhere, this is a familiar place. He was a dude who had #barz. In 2015 , expecting a rapper to stay the same forever is pointless and backwards thinking. Holler “Sell out!” all you want but this is why he’s a successful rapper now and not some dude still doing open mike nights in Dade county on a monday. He simply wanted more for himself and the integrity of the music wasn’t that important. Not how I live but i also can’t say I blame him. But what fascinates me is not his music itself, but his ability to become the guy he is. He’s somehow found a lane in which he raps on everything. Party songs, sports anthems. People pay him for this. People buy his records. People come to his shows. But, I’ll be damned if there is a person alive who’s listening to a song with him and thinks “Awwwww shit! Can’t wait for that Pitbull verse to drop so I can rap along!”. Nope. No one. He’s cultivated white noise rapping that works on some level. It’s incredible. He could literally say “Hamburger!” in a rhythmic fashion for his entire verse and it would have the same effect.
I think what blows my mind about this is that there is even a way that can exist now. The music market is so over saturated. There are lines around the block for people waiting to be the next big thing. Not only that. The way trends change and the fickle nature of fandom, it’s a revolving door. That shit you love right now will not be around in 3 years. That’s a promise. It’s not the fault of the musicians, it’s just the cycle works and it’s not getting better. Yet, through all that, this dude has somehow figured out a way to stay relevant and continue to make music to great success, all while actively saying nothing, having no one who really likes his music and making some of the most forgettable verses ever performed. When I say “nothing” i don’t mean something of value. I’m not sitting here saying Pitbull has to tackle social issues. Fuck all that. I’m saying the dude doesn’t even write catchy dumb shit. In five years, if someone says “Look at the flicka da wrist!” I will know what he’s talking about. But name me a single Pitbull line or verse that didn’t just serve as a build up to whatever the hook is. You can’t. Well…maybe you can but I’m still not buying it. After all, you listen to Pitbull rhymes, what the fuck is wrong with you, bro?
I think all this comes down to mixture of me being impressed and confused at the same time. I take may hat off to Pitbull for his success. He’s unlocked some sort of cheat code and , seemingly, fooled everyone on earth (or at least in miami and fl over states in the US). Whenever I see a person like this exist, I actually assume they’re probably just a really cool person who other people genuinely like. So, it would make sense to me if Pitbull was the man, in real life. So, really, how mad can anyone be? After all, you can’t really blame the artist if you don’t like them and they blow up. The fans are the ones you should be looking at.
That said, I’m still not sure what a “Pitbull fan” is or if they truly exist. Maybe he’s music that spam bots listen to. That would make sense cause there are billions of those motherfuckers.