Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 5

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It’s time once again for the magic of sweeping generalizations. Listen, I love movies. But I’m not trying to see every piece of shit that hits the theaters. Sometimes, all we need to know about the film is in the preview. So, this is where I forgo the who “watching a movie” thing and simply watch the previews and review the film based entirely on that. Short sighted? Sure. Not fair to the film makers? Certainly. But, you know what? I’d be willing to bet I’ve been right about 90% of the time here so that’s not really a poor success rate. So, without further ado, here is a new edition of “Preview reviews of Movies I’ve never seen”.

Oculus

Here is my interpretation of how the pitch went for this movie:
Film maker- Okay, I got this idea for a movie. It’s a horror movie…
Producer- I’m in! When do we start shooting?
Film maker-But don’t you even wanna hear what it’s about?
Producer-Do I need to? We got money to make it and it’s scary, right? We’re good.
Film maker-But I feel as if you should hear how th…
Producer- Lemme guess. Something is haunted or something, there are attractive kids who know more than the adults. Scary visuals of ominous creatures lurking in the back ground,supernatural stuff pops out and scares you yada yada yada…I get it. I’ve been to the movies. It’s a go.
Film Maker-Well, yeah but it’s more than that it’s…
Producer- Kid, listen, you did a great job directing those commercials. I’m not asking for an oscar here. Just make whatever this is. All I ask is that it’s rated PG-13 and that the name be fantastic.
Film maker-umm…okay. Well, it’s called “Oculus” and it’s…
Producer-Stop the fucking presses! “Oculus”? That’s amazing. I’m all in. I don’t care what it’s about. It could be about a fucking stupid haunted mirror and I’d make this movie! Sign here!
Film maker-oh…ummm…cool. *shuffles off quietly with a check in his hand*

Transcendence

Ever since the Matrix came out, every year a new sci-fi movie comes out that’s basically a nerd jerking off onto a script at his own cleverness. Problem is, it’s always some worm hole based ,vague “In the future, things will be like this…” kinda angle that I tend to lose interest in the second it starts. They’re often convoluted to a point where I don’t think the film makers themselves really could explain what’s going on…but they look cool so who fucking cares? I mean, shit, you see that body float towards the end or the trailer? That dude must be bugging, right? He floatin’!
Admittedly, I’m not a sci-fi guy so this isn’t for me. I’m sure people will love this though. To be honest, the thing I’m most excited about with this movie is what the transgendered porn spin-off title will be. With they go simple and just call it “TRANScendence” or get funky and call it something like “Trans-men-dance”. Only time will answer that riddle.

Blended

Okay…Am i crazy or did Adam Sandler already make this movie? I clearly recall and movie I watched on cable while playing Candy Crush about Adam Sandler and a girl he’s not romantically involved taking their families on a vacation where…they find love. It’s a tough , uphill battle but, gosh darn it, it fucking happens!
Oh wait…it was this.

Wow. It’s no secret that Adam Sandler ran out of ideas (or stopped caring) a looooong time ago. I’m not even mad at the dude. He’s a family man. He made some great movies and , now, it’s just a pay check. But, that said, if you see this movie, you’re an asshole or have kids. One or the other. There is no in between. Your girl says “Hey, let’s go see ‘Blended’!” she’s not the one. Your boyfriend drags you to this, tell him your going to the bathroom and never come back. Not cause this movie will even be THAT bad. Sure, it’ll be bad. Without question but , more than anything, it just sorta exists. It exists as a unexplicable money-making machine that takes the dollars out of target and walmart shoppers pockets everywhere. But , hey, at least Sandler is reliable. You know what you’re getting with this and , i suppose, that’s all people really need.

Under the skin

This is one of those trailers that’s made to both entice and confuse. Indie Stylezzzzz. For the life of me, I have no fucking clue what this movie is about. Is she a hooker? Perhaps a killer hooker? Maybe a grifter? What I do know is about this is that…wait a second…isn’t this that movie where scarlett Johansson gets naked a lot? Hold up. I’m not one to really ever watch something simply cause it’s got a hot girl I want to see naked get naked but, you know what? This looks artsy. Yeah. Real Artsy. High brow even. I mean, look at the preview. She’s hopping around from random location to random location, wearing that fur coat doing all sorts of artsy facial expressions. Is she in a forrest? But she was just in an urban setting. Crazy! She even dyes her hair black! That plus the fact she shows off the goods in this makes me think this must be truly high level film making. Pretty sure this one has gotten good reviews too. So, umm, yeah. It would be with no creepy reasoning that I’d definitely see this movie. Perhaps during a lightly attended matinée or something. By myself.

Rogglecast 8- Hey Hey We’re the Monkees

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It’s been a minute but we have returned. Due to a dumb mistake I made in recording last week, we lost a show but this one is here to fill it’s shoes.
This week, Pollyne and I discuss inventions we’d like to create, we play a brutal game of “Would you rather?” and go over a list of our least favorite words. Peep it here or download it on I-tunes. Subscribe! Write a friendly review (that apparently is a good thing). Okaaaaay?

You know, I bet he/she is alright….

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It’s no secret that this blog can be a hub of negativity. I typically spend my time making fun of people , ranting about pointless shit that annoys me or telling people their demos are mediocre. That’s just kinda my thing. But, come on…let’s be honest, negativity is way funnier than positivity. This is all about entertainment value. I could write daly affirmations all day but no one besides confused strippers and moms on facebook are trying to read that bullshit. So, today, I’mma try something different.
As a judgmental man, I’m no stranger to casting opinions upon people I don’t know. Especially rich and famous people. While morons might call this practice “hating” , in real life, I don’t care enough to hate any of these people. It’s just fun to take shots at various thrones for the hell of it. Over the years , I’ve poked fun at all sorts of people so today I’m gonna do the opposite. Here are some famous people who, while I’m not a fan of their “art” on any level, I bet are actually cool people to chill with. Also, be aware the irony is not lost on me that I’m saying they’d ever want to hang out with my bum ass. I’m just saying, I bet these guys are okay in real life, as people. Also, as a way to retain the negative, generalization filled edge I like this blog to have , each person will have an “On the other hand…” which will spotlight a similar celebrity who, in my eyes, still sucks.

Drake
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First off, he’s canadian. I’ve never met an asshole canadian. At worst, they can be lame in an inoffensive way. But they’re so fucking nice it’s hard to imagine two canadians ever even arguing. Secondly, in interviews, he seems like a fairly humble guy who actually has a decent sense of humor. So, while i’m not really trying to listen to his albums and I think he’s a bit if a try hard, I have no doubt that, one on one, Drake is a cool guy. I imagine him to be someone who laughs a lot and never likes an awkward moment. He’s basically a dork who got thrust into the lifestyle of someone who can do anything he wants. He coulda gone the Bieber direction but he was better than that.
That’s nothing if not commendable.

On the other hand…
I bet Lil’ Wayne is a fucking moron and an asshole. It might be one of those “he’s too high all the time” things but I question the value of any man who takes up skateboarding in his late 20′s and carries around a guitar he doesn’t play.

John Mayer
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His music is the thing of nightmares for people who have really boring nightmares. But, all signs point to him being a funny dude. I’m the type of person who will put up with other shortcomings if the person has a good sense of humor. A while back he got in trouble for comparing his dick to hitler (cause he only likes white girls). I always though the outrage of that simple joke was way overblown. The fact he said it in an interview actually make me like him more. He also seems like a great guy to hit the town with and bag up girls. Sure, he’s John Mayer and he’s gonna get first dibs but I get the feeling he’d gladly throw scraps at you cause he’s just that kinda guy. John Mayer will not bogart the pussy and , to me, that’s an admirable quality in a rich and famous person.

On the other hand…

Gavin Degraw seems like a prick. I barley know who this dude is but a year or two back he got “jumped” walking around lower manhattan alone at like 3 in the morning. Thing is, who the fuck gets jumped in lower manhattan anymore? As the story unfolded, it turned out he was shit faced drunk and talking junk to the wrong people. I got no time in my life for bad drunks.

Lady Gaga
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She’s fucking ridiculous. I loathe her music but she’s also insanely talented so, you know, different strokes…but, beyond the music, she’s just a girl from the upper east side of manhattan who wanted to be cool downtown. I knew many people like that when I was younger and they were always the black sheep of their community. While I’d imagine her burgeoning “Actor” side might annoy me, she’s proven herself to have a good sense of humor and , more than anything, she doesn’t take herself that seriously. I’m sure many of you will argue that point but hear me out. She looks insane like 90% of the time. She leaves the house looking like a game of Jenga in mid-collapse on the regular. I know some of you would say that’s her trying too hard but it’s not like she’s Kanye. That’s someone breaking his back to be cool. Gaga strikes me more as just a weirdo. And I can get behind that…at least as a friend. Also, dat ass.

On the other hand…

There is no worse person nowadays than Madonna. Okay, maybe some brutal dicatators and people who do things to children, but Madonna is #3 with a bullet. She needs to just stop. Stop with EVERYTHING. Stop making music. Stop saying things to the press. Stop pushing her fad life choices on everyone. Stop working out. It’s ill to think that she was once the coolest person on earth (in the eyes of many) and now her existence is to humiliate her poor kids. I beg you, Madonna…stop. For the love of whatever god you’re worshipping at this very moment.

Jimmy Fallon
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One of my all-tme favorite punching bags has been Jimmy Fallon. Why? Cause he’s not funny. A guy who’s career is comedy but he’s bad at that one specific thing. Sure, He’s done funny things , had decent ideas and even has a few good impressions but , when it’s all said and done, he’s no funnier than the average wall street broker who quotes Ron Burgandy all the time. That said, he’s without question a nice guy. There is no way on earth he’s an asshole. He’s level headed and considerate. He aims to please. You’re moving? Fallon got your back. He’ll even rent the truck for you. You just broke up with someone? Call jimmy. He’s have you over and cook you a nice dinner. He’ll even let you crash at his place for way longer than normally acceptable. I liken him to old friends who’ve known since your teens that, while you don’t relate to them on a deep level, they stick around in your life cause you know they have good hearts. He’s a good guy. A good, completely unfunny guy.

On the other hand…

Jay Leno is both unfunny and a jerk. Tall dudes with big heads are generally kinda assholes. I don’t know what the science is behind that but I’ve found it to be true. Add on having more money than most small countries and it gets even worse.

Kid Rock
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Dudes musical career has been like a middle finger to my own personal taste for as long as I can recall. He helped bring in the Rap/rock era that basically created a whole shitty new brand of human being. But, if I’m out and drinking, there is no question Kid Rock would be my go to guy. He’s laid back, funny, and not a snob. In fact, he’d probably clown me for drinking a vodka and soda…and I’m okay with that. I like to think of him as a type of midwestern dude I always love. People from detroit, cleveland, columbus etc…they’re fucking awesome. They’re from somewhat bummy ass cities but that’s what gave them their flavor. There’s no pretense with them. What you see is what you get and , most of the time, what you get is a stand up dude you can effortlessly shoot the shit with for hours. Kid Rock may be a millionaire who dated Pam anderson but I don’t doubt for a second he’s still one of those dudes.

On the other hand…

Eminem is probably a dick. I bet he was cool at one point but , at this point, it would seem like he’s become the rap howard hughes. A weird genius shut in who only comes out to make the worst anthemic rap ever created. I’ve seen him in enough interviews to be able to tell he probably does that thing where he’s so constantly sarcastic you have no idea what he’s ever really saying. That shit is tiring to be around. I’d almost just prefer a person be a straight up dick than the “always sarcastic” guy.

Travis barker
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Clearly, not a fan of his music , old or new. He’s has a definite So-cal guy vibe that does not mesh well with me but, i dunno…I bet he’s okay. He might not even be from so-cal for all I know. This one is going more off a feeling than any thing I’ve seen or heard. He just seems like a guy that people get along with and, to me, that’s telling. Being a nice guy is underrated in the entertainment business. The term “fail upwards” is often misused on these people. People who have gotten to where they are simply by being liked by their peers. Sure, talent is there too but I can’t say enough for people who raised their status by just being cool to other people. Not stepping over people or fucking people over. I’m basing this on nothing but I feel like he’s one of those type of dudes. Also, he survived a plane crash and if that isn’t a character builder, I don’t know what it.

On the other hand…

Tommy Lee is a cornball. I don’t doubt partying with him in the 80′s was the best but, let’s be real, he’s extremely dim. His life has been better than mine will ever be X 1000. but I feel as if it was wasted on a dude who’s spectrum of thought and emotion range from “Awesome!” to “not stoked”. He’s basically a living Keanu Reeves character.

Khloe Kardashian
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Fuck you guys, I’ve watched their show. Yeah yeah yeah…I was actually considering throwing a few members of this show on the list (Kris humphries and Scott Disick) but I opted to keep it to just Khloe. Why? Cause she seems like the only person in that entire family that isn’t a complete piece of shit. While the reasoning for that is pretty obvious (she’s the least attractive and fattest one) I don’t care about all that. She seems like the only person in that family who genuinely cares about other human beings. She seems level headed and the least fame obsessed by far. While her brother Rob is ballooning up to Jiminy Glick levels of obesity, she’s got his back. Meanwhile, her cunt sisters and her shitty mom are leaving cakes around the house, taunting him cause, well, fuck him for being a fat ass! Truly terrible people. All of them. Khloe is a shining light of decency in an otherwise pitch black world.

On the other hand…

The rest of her family is more evil than most movie villains. Specifically Kim and their mom, Kris. If they did public beheadings on PPV, I’m willing to be a Kris Jenner sacrifice would be the most watched thing on tv ever. Like a Manny Pacquiao/Floyd Mayweather fight times a billion.

See? That wasn’t so bad. Positivity guys! It’s the wave of the future! I feel great!

Which song do you prefer?

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I’m always a proponent of old rappers doing good. In the last few weeks 3 legends and one highly regarded old rapper who still hasn’t released an album, released duets that I think deserve some attention. In this corner…
We have Black Thought and Pharoahe Monch. This is a cut off of Monch’s New album “Psdt”.
Monch is pretty much every rap nerd and rapper from the 90′s favorite MC. If not favorite, he’s top ten easily. There is no denying his skill set. While his solo albums never really had the same impact as his work with Organized Konfusion, there’s no denying his place amongst the upper echelon of rappers. Black thought is right there with him. Now, truth be told, he’s not a rapper I particularly love. I think he’s kinda boring BUT the dude is as skilled as rapper as it gets. It’s a moot point. He’s got every base of technical rapping down to science. Here’s the track:

In the other corner…
We have Jay-Z and Jay Electronica. Now, if you’re dipshit, you think Jay-z sucks. I’m speaking in the all-time sense. I’ll be the first to admit that Jay hasn’t made shit in a while that I loved but to deny his legacy is short sighted and , simply, flat out wrong. You may not like his topical range (People that claim this have obviously over looked his huge collection of introspective songs he’s done over the years) but his track record is impeccable. As for Jay Electronica, he’s a guy I’ve been touting for years now but he’s also a guy who can’t fucking put an album out. I’ve heard rumors as to why…one being that his album is finished but won’t be put out cause it lacks any sort of radio singles. If that’s the case, it’s pretty annoying…but he’s not the first or last to fall victim to that kinda shit. Anyway, this song is them rapping like Migos over a dope track. Also, Jay-Z disses Drake. No clue why and I honestly don’t care. It’s a good song though.

So, which do you prefer? which of these all 35 plus year old rappers do you ride for? I have a feeling I know who’s gonna win this but , hey, I’ve been surprised before. Get your vote on…

Answers for questions vol. 182

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Hi there. Welcome back to another week of “Answers for questions”. You guys ask shit, I answer it. It’s as old as time. If you’d like to be a part of this interactive love, all you gotta do is ask. Either leave questions in the comment section or email them directly to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com.
Creative questions are always preferred. Get weird with it.
This weeks batch is full of weird ones.So, let’s get into it.

You’re from New York, so might have some experience with pushy people. SXSW always brings out the assholes here, and waiting in line is the worst. How do you react when someone A) Quietly slips in front of you in line, hoping you won’t say anything? B) Forces their way in front of you with a hard elbow or shoulder push? If they won’t respond to a simple “hey fuck off I was standing here”, do you have any good tips how to intimidate them into waiting their turn? Should there be a different approach for different situations like a music venue bar, bathroom line, food line, ATM? I’m looking for some options that don’t mean I have to leave right away or get arrested, but it can still be some mean shit.

I’d be willing to guess SXSW is WAY worse than NYC in this regard. In fact, I’d venture to say all airports are where this kinda fuckery take place with the most commonality. It’s an interesting question cause I’m an unusual pairing of hyper aware to this kind of thing but also non-confrontational. Or, some may call it “A pussy”.
But, in the situations you mentioned, I’d react like this:
A) First I’d stare at them in disgust. If that didn’t get their attention, I’d politely tap them on the shoulder and say “Hey man, there’s a line here…”. 9 out of 10 people would be like “oh! my bad” and bounce. Another way to do handle that would be that, the second they sidle up and you see what they’re doing you loudly proclaim (so the whole like can hear it) ” heyyyyyyyyy, there’s a line here, guy!” before he can even try and settle into it.
b) This doesn’t sound like a line based situation. More of “at a show or some other public event” type situation. In this case, I just let it go. I mean, if someone thrusts an elbow into my chest on purpose , that’s different. But getting mad about accidental contact is moronic. Sure, the guy was rude but, really, who fucking cares? unless you’re the type who’s willing to fist fight over some bullshit like that, just ignore it and keep living your life. I always believe that dude (the one who elbows his way through the crowd) will eventually get what’s coming to him. Why fuck your night up by making it your job to deal with it. Pride is overrated. Trust me, the minimal bit of anger that causes will subside and your night will go on fine.

One rapper I’m not too fond of is Action Bronson. FUCK that guy. He just seems like suuuuuch a raging asshole. I think an oft overlooked key to longevity in the rap game these days is to have a strong female listenership (is that a word?). The T.D.E. crew has this, Action Bronson does not. TDE is gonna keep getting bigger and AB is gonna fade out. Do you agree with my statement?

I disagree with pretty much every aspect of this statement. I think Bronson is awesome. In fact, i’d say I like his personality (in interviews I’ve heard) even more than his music. He’s fucking hilarious and definitely has his own take on things. Sure, he might have a temper but I’d imagine that has more to do with how people come at him than the man himself. As for the point about female listenership, I’d say, on an underground level, it doesn’t mean shit. I mean, sure, once you get bigger, that’s what propels most through the stratosphere. But as an indie guy? While it would be nice, it’s not necessary. Look at dudes like Necro or RA the Rugged man. You think they have huge female fanbases? Those dudes have been around and successful since the early 2000′s. Hell, even a guy like El-P. You go to his shows and they’re 85% guys. Having female fans is huge when you’re Drake or ASAP Rocky but , to the lower tiered guys, it’s just a bonus. Sadly, most hardcore rap acts have done fine without them for years and will continue to do so.

If you were trapped in a closet with a gun with one bullet and these three types of people, which one would you kill and why?
-A wishy-washy person
-A person who holds grudges
-A person who complains about everything

Ohhhh….this is tough.
Off the top, I’d let the wishy washy person go. They’re annoying but you can live with that. What’s more harmless than A Wishy washy person? also, it would suck to shoot a wishy washy person. Imagine the type of begging for his life he’d do…
Between the last two it’s tough cause I feel like, on one hand, the person who holds grudges only really effects those they hold grudges against. They’re extremely petty but, outside of that, might be good people. Meanwhile, a person who complains about everything can be a huge downer BUT they’re often very funny about it.
But, of these two, I guess I’d dead the complainer, but only cause it’s constant. Holding grudges would be less prevalent in the day to day interactions. Also, I ca imagine shooting a person who never stops complaining and not feel that bad about it.
That said, I’d probably rather be friends with the complainer cause grudge holding is truly a pathetic trait for anyone to have.

This computer?
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or this computer?
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this one?
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or this one?
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and finally…this one?
frustrated young  woman.

BONUS QUESTION: Don’t you think the “freaking out on computers” image type meme is getting a bit much? I googled ‘women shouting at laptops’ and there were absolutely TOO many stock photos to choose from.

I’m not quite sure what I’m picking here. Which laptop I like most? None of the above. THey’re all PC Pieces of shit. I’m a mac man.
Or am I picking what expression I relate to the most?
Hmm…Probably the pensive asian girl.
Or am I picking which girl i’d like to most have sex with of this bunch?
I guess I vote for the first one, even though she’s in a bad place in picture.
as for the bonus question, I really don’t think this qualifies as a “meme”. It’s just something people have taken to many pictures of. It’s not meme status yet and , very likely, won’t ever become one.

That first “true” day of spring: I think it requires a nickname, because it’s such a definable, stand-out day. You know what I’m talking about…when winter feels like it’s finally over. That day where guys walk around, and bout that life. That day where girls assess one another’s fashion choices and oddly feel vEYEolated for not having a jacket covering their body. WHAT SHOULD THIS DAY BE CALLED???

In NYC is should be called “Public Boner day” cause girls out here are quick to start wearing next to nothing the second the temperature his 66 degrees. It’s as if thousands of hot, scantily clad ladies are released into the streets who had no been there a day earlier. It really is the best. Way better than christmas or new years eve.

I like reading your thoughts on the whole “sugar daddy” scenarios and I went back and read your older article. I’d like to elaborate on the topic with a couple other questions?

1. What if there is sex involved in the dynamic?

2. At what age difference do things start to cross that creepy factor? Obviously, many men are at least somewhat older than their respective partners.

3. Not necessarily sugar babies, but gold diggers in general, can you always blame them? I mean yeah, it’s shitty, I couldn’t do it (even tried once and it felt so wrong) but for some women, it could be the best thing that ever happens to them. In instances where the woman comes from a shitty background with not many future prospects and then some guy comes around and gives her security….while sorta fucked up, I don’t think those women are the worst in the world.

4. Do you think or would you peg a woman as a gold digger simply because her significant other is rich and buys her gifts? I think there’s some gray area here because I’m gonna assume some of these people might actually love eachother.

You’re referring to this:
http://phatfriend.com/2011/05/10/sugar-daddies-and-babies/

1)If there is sex involved than it’s totally different. That either means the girl is actually into it OR she’s a real deal prostitute and doesn’t even know it. I’d venture to say that , if a girl is having regular sex with her sugar daddy, she’s signed on for more than just free mink coats and fancy trips. She’s in it for the long haul. So, in a way, it’s less a “sugar daddy/baby” situation and more just real relationship…even if she’s in it to get his money when he dies in a few years. To the guy, it’s real so that’s better than just some girl keeping a lonely old pervert company and accepting gifts while keeping him at arms length.

2)I think it depends. Personally, when i see a girl in her early 20′s with a guy in his late 40′s, it’s a little weird. That said, maybe her dad left her when she was a kid and she’s actually into it. Who knows? every situation is different. But, in general, a 20 year age difference where the girl is in her early 20′s is kinda creepy to me. When you see that, there’s is definitely something wrong with either the guy, the girl or both of them. A 30 year old dating a 50 year old isn’t as big a deal to me…but early 20′s? Yuck.

3)I mean, there’s two levels to them. On one hand, they’re getting money by any means necessary. So, in that sense, I can somewhat respect the hustle. On the other side of things though, that’s some devious and lazy shit. Just get a fucking job. When a woman does that, she’s truly minimizing her worth as a person. She’s basically saying “I’m too good for work…I’ve got these physical assets. So let me make that “my job”.” Her job? Lying to men, milking them for money and being a cocktease. That’s what strippers do. So, while she may look down on strippers and sex workers, she’s still a glorified off shoot of those very same professions.
The situation you described in the question paints the picture of a different kinda girl. One who fell into a good situation and opted to ride it out. In general, Gold diggers are far more shrewd and have a game plan intact.

4)oh for sure. Some rich dudes love buying their women they love gifts. Just cause a girl is with a rich dude who’s older than her doesn’t immediately make her a gold digging whore. There is tons of grey area with this entire subject.

Demo Reviews Vol. 45

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Hey guys, Welcome to another edition of Demo Reviews. That thing where you send me demos of your music and I review them for shits a giggles (or tears). Judging from the questions I get everyweek, it’s clear that no one reads these intros. so, with faint hopes of avoiding answering the same questions, i’m going all caps on this one:
I’M NOT ACCEPTING ANY DEMO SUBMISSIONS RIGHT NOW. WHEN THAT TIME COMES, I WILL ANNOUNCE IT. UNTIL THEN, HOLD TIGHT. IT WILL BE A FEW MONTHS BEFORE THAT HAPPENS.
Got it? cool.
Anyway, the reviews work like so: I write a blurb of my thoughts then arbitrarily review the demos on a scale of 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
originality

This weeks batch is one that tried hard at times…and at other times, I question if they even understand their audience (aka me) on any level. I dunno. You be the judge and vote for you favorite demo at the bottom. Let’s go…

Artist: Lean automatic
Song: Civil King


While I don’t doubt there is someone out there this appeals to , I am not that person. This beat is gonna give me a seizure. It’s like an underground version of LMFAO. The mellow parts are listenable but, man, when it gets busy…not dope. Rapping wise, the guy is okay. But he’s so overshadowed by the beat it’s hard to even focus on anything else.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals: 4 out of 10
Listenability: 3 out of 10
originality: 4 out of 10

Artist:Quintessential
Song:Color outside the lines


This may not make sense but this is a very demo-y demo. It’s got all the facets. A decent beat that’s slightly amateurish. A rapper who’s not quite fully formed yet. And recording quality that’s a little off. In that sense, it’s a perfect submission. But, as a song I wanna listen to, it’s not on the spectrum. I’d say it’s the beginnings of something but , i dunno. the rapper sounds like me when I used to rap and that’s never a good sign for long term rap success.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:3.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Careful Crosser
Song: So Very Slow (Ft. Jhost)


Hmm…this is heading in an interesting direction but, as the same time, could go a few ways. On one hand, it’s got a wispy pop sensibility to it that could lead to something out of the underground. That’s not exactly high praise though. On the other, it could become one of those emo indie groups that only girls like. Problem is…well a few things. The beat is okay but needs a complete overhaul on all the sounds used. The ideas are there. The execution is not. The vocals are REALLY quiet. Also, they’re kinda bad. They don’t stand out ,from a vocal skill perspective, and the melody is pretty boring.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Phrase Mob
Song: Elysium


So emotional! Someone else will love this. Not me, but someone. I’ve said this before on here, but I’m well over this kind of emotional rap song. I just don’t care to hear about anyones vague life struggles anymore. It’s like an distant acquaintance complaining to you over a sad beat on the phone. That said, this is at least well executed. Well recorded. The beat is solid. The rappers do what they’re supposed to. Notice how I didn’t even mention they’re not american? I’m growing up guys.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Vectrino
Song:Come on home


This is fine. It’s more a beat than a song though and does that thing where a producer takes one song as a sample source and flips a bunch of different parts. That’s fine and all but it’s limiting , as far as where the song can go. This would sound good with a rapper on it though. But, overall, it’s solid.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Shadowpact
Song: no Comment


Nothing really wrong with this one. I don’t like the rappers voices but they can rap pretty well and put together a song nicely. The beat is good. A lot of sequencing here helps too cause it keeps the song moving along nicely and it never gets boring. I would advise against ever saying “lyrical phenomenon” ever on a song though. Not a good look.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Sean Be
Song: February


I’m sorry…I tried. I just can’t take this accent seriously. It’s not you , it’s me. It just sounds so ridiculous to me. But, lemme be an adult and remove that from my mind space.
The beat is not very good at all. Just very amateurish. SKill Wise, the rapper is struggling. He runs off beat a few times and the way he uses his voice comes off as goofy. My guess is that this is someone just beginning.
Production:2.5 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:3 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Courtesy
Song: S.A.D. Shit


Well, that was weird as fuck. I honestly don’t even know what to think. The beat is very abstract but also not at all enjoyable to listen to. So, points for trying something different. That card shuffle sounding drum roll needs to get turned down like a motherfucker. The rapping is okay but is kinda over taken by the beat. He sounds like he’s in an emotional space. It’s #sadboy week on demo reviews, clearly.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:6 out of 10

Artist:Nagasaki Sound Sysytem
Song:Suckerfish


I honestly can’t imagine a worse song if I tried. I’m not the target audience for this at all but this is the musical equivalent to being forced to talk to a very coked up person in high speed while driving though an obstacle course.. Just a mess. What the hell is going on here? Is that a duck being murdered? I’m old.
On the bright side, I suppose it’s original.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:1 out of 10
originality:6 out of 10

Artist:M AA SSS
Song: Alien Alibi


These last two songs got me wondering if people who send me demo’s even read these reviews or know anything about me. At least this is listenable. But, yeah, i’m not a folk music guy. I have no opinion on stuff like this. When i was in college I called this music “jinga jinga music” cause that’s all I heard. The guitars going “Jinga jinga”.
The singer is okay at times and kinda flat at other times. The guitar riffs are very typical of the genre. I dunno. Why did you send me this, bro?
Production:n/a
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:2 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Defending my tweets vol. 6

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It’s time once again for me to defend my tweets. I’m not a controversial dude but the internet is a place of false outrage, thin skin and over reaction. Because of this, i sometimes feel the need to explain that thing I wrote in 140 characters or less. These aren’t all offensive but , at times, things need to be expanded upon. So, with all due respect to Anthony Jesilnik’s idea (i totally stole this from him), allow me to defend my tweets.

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Whenever I see a person wearing a shirt that has a current meme phrase on it, a little part of me dies inside. Not cause it effects me in anyway but more so cause it’s telling of our society. We are so very mediocre. I feel like there was a time when more people were great and more people were complete bottom feeders. We were dealing with more extremes. I don’t know when the switch over happened and the human race became so middling, but someone wearing a t-shirt that says some shit like “If that was your man, he wasn’t last night” is pretty much the four horseman or creativity galloping in. I’m not talking about children wearing this kinda stuff. Not even teenagers. Shit, I had some incredibly awful T-shirts back in the day. I’m talking about fully realized adults. People with jobs and lives. They should know better. Then again, maybe they’re being ironic? That’s another problem. Everyone is so fucking meta it’s hard to tell where someone begins and ends. What I’m saying is can’t we all just wear batman shirts again?
On a different note, do you think the guy wearing a “Come at me, bro” shirt is constantly fighting off people who see the shirt and take it as an invitation? They literally come at him, bro? or better yet…imagine if other dudes just walked up to him and ejaculated all over him. They came at him, bro. No court would convict a person for that in this situation.

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Men stink. We’re stinky. However, it’s our duty to try and cover that up. I know a few dudes who bask in their scent and just let it rip. Some of them actually do really well with the ladies. While they might attribute this to pheromones , I more think it’s that some girls will put up with anything. Girls, on their other hand, don’t typically have that B.O. smell. I mean, sure, you guys can have your scents, but homeless guy armpit is not typically one of them. So, when I happen upon a girl who’s body odor is noticeably all up in the atmosphere from a few steps away, the first thing that pops in my mind is: I bet she uses one of those “All natural” deodorants or that “crystal” deodorant that does absolutely nothing. The second thing that pops in my head is that: If she’s not on top of her arm pit game, imagine what complete disaster her vagina is.
I say this cause, in general, girls are very self conscious. i don’t mean in the “they’re all insecure” way. I mean they are literally aware of themselves and their bodies at all times, for better or for worse. So, you come across a girl who’s armpits reek, that’s the sign of someone who’s given up on ever trying to be be sanitary. I can only imagine her lady parts smell like an overturned garbage truck in chinatown during the month of august. Maybe I’m wrong…but I sure as hell wouldn’t even go in to find out for sure.

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Music writers can be the worst. With so many trends flying in and out of the scene and people desperately trying to seem relevant, the writers are trying just as hard as the artists. The thing is, a lot of these writers/bloggers know better. They’re dudes who were around when the music was actually groundbreaking. But, in the same way old fart rap fans will reject anything that doesn’t sound like their grandpa’s hip hop, other critics will go the other way and try and sell you that EVERY new fad is totally legit. When approached with logic like “Well, the thing is, that rapper is very bad at rapping…like truly terrible…” they’ll respond with some college thesis that basically boils down to “You don’t get the genius of this artist”. Problem is, 9/10 times, they’re referring to some 17 year old who recorded a song for fun on garageband that happen to catch fire on the internet. Perhaps they made a weird video? Who knows. All that matters is that the supporters of this music are breaking sweats trying to justify an opinion that I don’t think even they truly believe in. In other words, they’re trying WAY too hard to seem in the know. Instead of just taking something for what it is. The internet may have hurt music but shit eating, try hard journalists are gonna be the ones who kill it. Well, maybe not kill it…but leave it deformed at the very least.

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I’m not a fat guy but I’m also not skinny. I’m just kinda big. Because of this, I’m truly glad i didn’t have to be a late teen/early 20 year old in the tight cloths era. In my day, it was baggy everything. To ridiculous levels. When I couldn’t find where to get cool baggy jeans, I’d just go to the Gap and buy some 40 inch waist/40 inch length and let it ride. And that didn’t even look crazy back then (a little bunched up, but not crazy). Luckily, the real skinny jean era for men has subsided so the youth can breath a little easier now. But, still, every now and then I’ll see a dude walking down the street, shaped like a pear, adhering to a fashion sense that simply doesn’t work for him. I fully understand wanting to be a part of a scene. Hell, in this homogenized world, standing out and making a statement is a lost art amongst most of our youth. It seems everyone is different int he same way. But sometimes our body shape dictates the cloths we can and cannot wear. I mean, yes, you can wear anything you want. But is it wise? If i have a body like Grimace, complete with man titties and hip haunches , as much as I wanna look cool in my skinny jeans and tight t-shirts, it may be wise to find an alternate. Maybe be one of those oversized sweater wearing guys? Or get some dickies? Or be like a girl in the 90′s and tie a shirt around your waist to hide your fat ass? You do have options. I say all this cause, when i see this guy walking around, his discomfort is palpable. Shit, I feel the same way on a beach and I’m not even that bad. So, pour out a little liquor for tubby men everywhere who were simply born in the wrong era of fashion for their body types. Ten years earlier and these same guys wouldn’t only be comfortable, but they’d even probably get laid a decent amount.