Demo Reviews Vol. 72

tumblr_inline_n8zncyjg6e1qkqaaa
Hey there and welcome to another edition of “Demo reviews”. You lunatics sent me your music to review. Still dunno why…If you’d like to send me a demo, read these RULES and then send me a song. Follow those rules, motherfuckers….It’s very important to the prcoess
Anyway, the reviews work like so: YOu send me a song, I listen to it once and write a paragraph or two about it. Then, I arbitrarily rate is from 1-10 in thse categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

That’s about it. Also, don’t forget to vote for your favorite at the end. The winner gets nothing but still, for the pride!

Artist: Mixer Jaexx
Song: Nice and soft and smooth


This is one of those “the name doesn’t match the music” songs. It’s not nice, soft or smooth. It’s clunky and somewhat abrasive. There’s some good elements that pop in and out but the whole thing just feels too spastic for my taste and doesn’t feel like it has much direction. I was gonna say the drums are cheesy sounding but they switch up to much better sounds a minute or so in. But, yeah, this is all over the place and very ADD in a non-satisfying way
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Dr. Rhymebender
Song: Gone


Sigh…there’s nothing wrong with this but it’s the same old emotional atmosphere influenced white guy rap that I’ve been hearing since the early 2000’s. This dude takes it to new heights in how he uses his voice and even the background vocals, it’s so much like Slug it’s hard to even sit through.
The beat isn’t bad. I like the chop in the beginning but i wish it came back more throughout the song.
In general, I can’t listen to songs where a guy wears his heart on sleeve about a girl. I just can’t care about this kinda of rap anymore. It’s been done to death and it was always kinda corny. That’s just me though.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Legendary Obscure
Song: Gator Shit


This is a sleekly produced little joint right here. I like the drums and the chops. The mood is cool too. Kinda reminds me of that Show and Ag song “Next Level”. On the downside, this is just a beat…not a song. As always, I don’t wanna hear your beats. I wanna hear songs. So it definitely loses points there cause it’s the same shit for the entire fucking time. Throwing a will ferrell sample on a beat doesn’t make it a song, guys.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Luke Mardsen
Song: Poker Chip


It’s low fi and has it’s problems but I kinda like this beat. It’s good despite itself. That’s generally a case of luck or a producer who just has a special kinda ear. I guess that remains to be seen.
The rapper is interesting but also sloppy as fuck. There’s potential but his flow is all over the place and his confidence isn’t there yet.
Production:5.5 ouf 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Atoum Zeki
Song: Krung Thep


This one just seems like leaps and bounds better than every other song I’ve heard today. It just seems professional. It’s weird, kinda mesmerizing and well put together. I can hear a vision to this music. It’s not just a dude making a beat.
Really well done.
Production:7.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/q
Listenability:7 out of 10
Originality:6.5 out of 10

Artist:OLMEC
Song: Stompin’ Grounds


At first it sounded like a sloppy throw back boom bap track but the beat actually really goes places. Nice filtered bass tones but the switch up is really the star here. Really dope beat.
The rapper is solid. He’s not blowing me away but he’s got some good lines and a good enough voice. He needs to sound less bored i think.
Production:7 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Okien
Song:Saul. 2.0


I like some of the ideas in here but I don’t like how it works as a whole, tonally. It’s just a bunch of different parts that don’t particularly work together. The atmospheric main part has some potential though.
Production: 4.5 of of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist: Crosby
Song: Cabana Music


This is some low-fi shit that reminds me of old Stretch and bobbito demos.
The beat isn’t the sharpest (the drums, are especially clunky) but it’s suitable to the rest of the song. The rapper has a great voice..he sounds like Freddie Gibbs…A LOT. Just in the voice though, not in the flow. He can rap well for sure though. They just need to work on recording better and song structure.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

What do you think?

“I sucked my own dick”

4682dabdd7e87725f55bd4f0f82d84cc0b7858b3fc462553aebd484f8be601f7
I believe it was the poet laureate LL cool J who once said “I’m so bad I can suck my own dick”. When he said that, the public took notice. Mostly cause they were amazed at what an arrogant and weird thing that was to say. Still, the concept of a man performing oral sex on himself has always been a curious one to me. Not cause i have any interest in doing it (even if I wanted to, I can’t even touch my toes let alone do that) but more the mind set a man might have that would propel him to go for the gold. A week or so ago, I wrote about Uberfacts and the concept of self blowies came up. I hadn’t really thought about it so I figured I’d ask the people what they though. I threw up this poll


To my surprise, there were a decent amount of guys who had admitted to sucking their own dicks. Didn’t see that coming. So, i wanted to know more. Basically, I asked the people of facebook and twitter if they had ever sucked their own dicks and would they be willing to talk about it. The response was shockingly quick and willing. In fact, I got TOO many responses which means I’ll have to do a part two of this down the line. So, I made a little questionnaire for these gentleman and had them fill it out. It was anonymous (in that only I know their names). Thanks to all the participants but, also, you guys are kinda weird.
Here’s a few of the responses:

Subject one
Are you straight/gay/bi or other?
I am straight, but had a couple of same sex experiences (not for me).

Had you sucked another persons dick prior to sucking your own?
No, I’ve never sucked any other dick than my own.

Was the stretching part of move difficult and did it inhibit your movement?
I can accomplish this both seated hunched over and or with my legs over my head. In the seated position there is more mobility, legs over the head is very restrictive and uncomfortable (pressure on the neck).

You’re a straight man, do you think you intuitively knew how to suck a dick just based on what you’d seen and knowing what you like?
It’s hard to say really I just went for it one day when I was about 14 or 15 . Obviously having instant tactile feed back is a benefit.

Did you do it more than once? If so, how many times
I’ve probby done it 15 times. The legs over the head method isn’t exactly the most pleasurable due to discomfort and lack of movement, and I actually sometimes can not do the hunch method. I believe having a full stomach hinders my ability to do the hunch method (more research is needed I guess).

How would you describe your dicks taste? and did that taste linger in your mouth well after the deed was finished?
Not really note worth I keep it clean. There was no lingering after taste.

Did you cum? If so, where? In your own mouth, in your face or elsewhere (please specify where)
I usually cum into something (toilet paper, rag, sock), but I have ejaculated into my mouth on a few occasions. Those have given me perspective on the whole spit or swallow debate. Straight up my cum tastes gross and leaves a lingering after taste and slime that I would have to imagine is akin to raw eggs. I can’t blame any girl for spitting that shit out.

Are you good at sucking dick?
I wasn’t blown awat by my abilities, a sold C grade. I’ve had a lot better blow jobs and a few that were just atrocious. A mouths a mouth though right?

Do you consider sucking your own dick a homosexual act? please elaborate why, either way.
I don’t think it’s any more gay than giving yourself a handjob. That is to say it’s just another form of masterbation. I’m sure people would be judgement as fuck about it, but really who’s business is it how I get myself off. I’ve had one dick in my mouth my own, I’ll go head to head against any random lady on the street and odds are she’s had 5 dicks in her mouth at some point in her life, not at the same time I hope.

Did you feel any guilt about doing it afterwards?
Not so much guilty as just like we’ll that happened. I don’t have strong feelings about it one way or another.

Do you feel as though you give better head to yourself than any other person (male or female)?

I don’t think so. I love giving girls head and I can say with confidence that I am very good at it. The whole lack of range of motion is definitely a hindrance, but I’m not out here trying to win some dick sucking competition either.

Have you told others about this?
I told my EX girlfriend once. It was one of those dumb situations where she says “Tell me something you’ve never told me before” and we had been dating so long I could literally think of nothing so I just dropped it. I’m pretty sure she either thought I was being an asshole or didn’t know what to say because she didn’t ask for details and never brought it up again. She gave great head.

Would you recommend this to your friends?

Go for it! What do you have to lose, maybe you will really enjoy it. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

84f6e68c6cf0baa8913eebd6dc250ed54f1975c2048b6ca1df9b63b6df7f14c6
Subject 2
Are you straight/gay/bi or other?

Gay

Had you sucked another persons dick prior to sucking your own?

No

Was the stretching part of move difficult and did it inhibit your movement?

It wasn’t very difficult. This mostly occurred when I was a horny teenager. I was pretty flexible and thankfully, am fairly well-endowed. I was usually able to do it by just leaning down while sitting.

You’re a gay man, did having practice prior to doing it , help you know what to do?

Somewhat. Having unlimited access to it helps you understand which areas felt the best, as well as how to ensure your teeth stay out of play. I was never flexible enough to deep throat myself or anything but I could get over half of it in.

Did you do it more than once? If so, how many times

Yes, I mostly did it as a teenager, and it was pretty frequent. I really couldn’t give a number. But I mean, a horny gay kid with the ability to fellate himself… imagine being a teenager and having 24/7 access to a disease-free vagina.

How would you describe your dicks taste? and did that taste linger in your mouth well after the deed was finished?

Not much of a taste. Just like licking skin. So maybe a little salty sometimes. I’m pretty OCD about cleanliness so I never let any tatse linger. I’d usually just use mouthwash or brush my teeth afterwards.

Did you cum? If so, where? In your own mouth, in your face or elsewhere (please specify where)

Yes. At first it seemed way too weird and gross to cum in my mouth, so I used to stop right before the point of no return and finish in a tissue or towel or something.But as a gay man you eventually just get past all that and take it down. It does makes for an easier cleanup.
Are you good at sucking dick?

I’d like to think so. As someone who actually enjoys it, I’ve never had any complaints at least.

Do you consider sucking your own dick a homosexual act? please elaborate why, either way.

In general, I don’t think it is. You’re providing pleasure to yourself. It’s just another form of masturbation. Although for me, it was absolutely a homosexual act in that as I was servicing myself, I was fantasizing about servicing other men.

Did you feel any guilt about doing it afterwards?

Only when I first started doing it. I was worried I’d feel too self-sustained and not try to pursue actual sex with another person. But it turned out to be more of an aide to the real thing in the end.

Do you feel as though you give better head to yourself than any other person (male or female)?

Definitely not. I was never flexible enough to reach the entire area so it was never as enjoyable.

Have you told others about this?

Only a couple close friends.

Would you recommend this to your friends?

Sure, I mean it’s really not that big of a deal. If you’re able to do it without being a dumbass and hurting yourself, it can be enjoyable and educational.

72f06a466c3997bc5101dd641ced042d1e204e791c5e58983c15bc55640e364b
Subject 3

Are you straight/gay/bi or other?

I guess I identify as straight though I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to *really* suck a dick. Men don’t turn me on, they just don’t necessarily turn me off.

Had you sucked another persons dick prior to sucking your own?

No

Was the stretching part of move difficult and did it inhibit your movement?

Yes. Honestly because of how difficult it is, I wasn’t able to get it deep enough and thus never finished.

You’re a straight man, do you think you intuitively knew how to suck a dick just based on what you’d seen and knowing what you like?

No, I had no fucking idea what I was doing.

Did you do it more than once? If so, how many times

Yes, maybe four times?

How would you describe your dicks taste? and did that taste linger in your mouth well after the deed was finished?

It’s kind of tasteless. Precum tastes salty. I never got as far as ejaculation.

Did you cum? If so, where? In your own mouth, in your face or elsewhere (please specify where)

After a bit it was too difficult so I just finished off with my hand as I usually do and probably onto my stomach. I have tried eating it before but that was a different occasion entirely.

Are you good at sucking dick?

Definitely not good at sucking my own.

Do you consider sucking your own dick a homosexual act? please elaborate why, either way.

Nah. If that’s a homosexual act, then so is masturbating with your hand.

Did you feel any guilt about doing it afterwards?

A little. It was kind of like, what the fuck did I just do. And then I moved on.

Do you feel as though you give better head to yourself than any other person (male or female)?

I don’t give head but I feel if I were to I’d be better at giving it to others.

Have you told others about this?

Honestly, I don’t remember. I’ve told a lot of people a lot of things. I don’t think I have though.

Would you recommend this to your friends?

No, it doesn’t feel like a blow job. It just feels like you’re sucking your own dick. If someone is reading this and still wants to give it a go, word of advice: put your hands on the back of your thighs .

Well, there you have it. I feel as though we got a nice variety in there. Perhaps I’ll post the others later on…or not. Maybe this whole thing was gross and no one is interested. We shall see. until then, suck a dick.

Let’s talk about this Macklemore Video

macklemore-ryan-lewis-downtown-2015-billboard-650-a
So, the other day I was in Miami for a little vacation. I was doing vacation type things so I wasn’t by a computer for a few days. Over the course of the day, i got a few texts from random friends asking me if I had seen the Macklemore video. Of course I hadn’t. Why would I ever have seen that? But, upon the urging of others, I popped it up on my phone while i was taking a dump. Well…goddamn…

Now before i get into this, I should probably preface it all with my “relationship” with Macklemore. I don’t know him. I’ve never met him. I have a decent amount of friends who have and across the board, he’s a beloved dude. I don’t mean that in a musical sense. I mean that he is, by all account a great, humble and cool person. I’ve never been a fan of his music really but, to be fair, I also never paid much attention to him.. If anything, he’s been the butt of an occasional twitter joke here and there over the years. I recall hearing the name prior to him blowing up off of “Thrift shop” cause he was very much involved in the indy rap underground scene. At the time, he was just another white rap guy to me. Then he blew up and all of a sudden had a million fans, and almost as many angry rap fan detractors. I can’t front, hearing the anthems from that last album definitely didn’t sit well with me but, at the same time, I was clearly not his target audience. I always felt he was either trying to make music for super bowl commercials or simply pandering. That said, I never felt THAT strongly either way. Simply put, the dudes music wasn’t on my radar enough to matter. Famous or not, i didn’t give a shit.
So, back to the toilet…I’m sitting there watching this video. It’s insane. I mean that in a good way. The video is fucking ridiculous. It looks amazing. Sure, it seems to borrow heavily from “Uptown funk” by Bruno Mars but it’s something I couldn’t take my eyes off. As much as people seem to be shitting on it, I simply cannot front on the spectacle of it all.
There’s a few sides to this. First off, you have the angry rap purist side. This is that thing within all old rap fans, such as myself, that has a negative gut reaction to this kinda thing. From seeing the originators of rap do back up vocals for Macklemore to actually sitting though a song about buying and driving scooters. Just seeing Kool Moe D, Melle Mel and Caz clearly collecting a check kinda hurt my heart. Immediately, I feel my soul saying “NOPE! NO FUCKING WAY!”. But, as I get older and care less about that kinda stuff, a part of me just kinda drifts away from all of it and just sees this song and video for what it is.
For that reason, i feel as though I gotta give credit where credit is due. This shit is fucking weird. Super weird.
The man made a song about buying scooters. He didn’t make just any song about it. he made an epic scooter buying anthem. Why? For who? I have no idea but I think I appreciate the tongue in cheek of it all. You can disagree with me (and you probably do) but Macklemore seems pretty likable in this video. He’s funny. Like I said earlier, i don’t know the guy but this video seems to be him just letting it rip. He does choreographed fuckin’ dancing for christ sake. And as painful as it is to see 3 hip hop legends do back up vocals for a blonde white dude in skinny jeans, at least he’s trying to expose people to them. His fan base is children who think Snoop Dogg is as old as rap gets. They probably have no fucking clue who any of those dudes are.I’d assume the think those are his actual bodyguards. Perhaps it will shine a tiny light on them and that isn’t a bad thing, as it’s known those dudes missed out on the pay day that is rap music currently.

I’m not gonna take this all the way and say I like the song cause I don’t. This song is a hybrid of “white lines”, “We are the champions” and “Lady dont tek no” by Latyrx. In other words, it comes from a good place but it’s actually kind of a mess as a stand alone song. I mean, within the confines of this video, it’s perfect but if I heard this on the radio I’d be confused as fuck. it’s like three different songs. That said, in an era where the most popular rap is mentally challenged men moaning into autotune about whatever the fuck they’re talking about, this song is taking chances. First and foremost, that singer guy. Holy shit. I have no idea how he even fits into the equation and what the idea was when they bought him in but that was a risky move. Almost as risky as his dance moves which make my knees hurt just watching. It remains to be seen if this song will actually be a hit outside of the video but, if it is, that singer being on it will be why. Secondly, and i keep harping on this, IT’S A SONG ABOUT BUYING A RIDING A SCOOTER. Like, how does that even come to be? There are so many steps in making a song. I would watch a documentary on how this song happened, from Macklemore thinking of the idea to him explaining it to Ryan Lewis, to Ryan Lewis making the beat to them calling Grnadmaster Caz and explaining it to him, etc…the whole thing just boggles my mind. But, whatever happened, the final product is here and it exists. Sure, it kinda feels like he may be trying to recapture the goofy likability of “Thrift shop”…but this is “Thrift shop” turned up to 10.

You probably hate this song and think the video is dumb. That’s cool. I don’t blame you. I got no horse in this race. Like i said, the song is ridiculous. But, I feel as though, if we all just step back and appreciate it for what it is…It’s not a song, it’s a spectacle and it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s kind of amazing.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna go out and start bumping any Macklemore shit but the dude gets shit on hard all over the place. I can see past my own personal taste and take my hat off to him for simply saying “fuck it” and doing whatever the fuck he felt lie doing.
There’s layers to this shit player, Tiramisu.

Answers for questions vol. 254

Cap12123ture_zpsyct1grlf
Hi there and welcome to this weeks “Answers for questions”. I was in Miami this past weekend, chilling and shit. I got a mild sun burn and a revitalized appreciation for latina women of all kinds. So, you go Miami.
Anyway, this is Answers for Questions. You ask, i answer. Simple stuff. I noticed my question queue is running a little thin so…ASK ME STUFF!!!!! I need it. Anything. This weeks questions are actually a really good example of the type of stuff I’m talking about. Get weird. Think outside the box. Send questions to: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Feel free to ask multiple questions if you feel inspired.
Okay, let’s get into this…

Let’s say you woke up one day in a world suddenly where large animals other then humans were now the size of insects. Lions and tigers and giraffes and bears were now miniature but they’re fucking every where and they’re major pests. Dogs and regular cats were the same size though. And at the same time insects of all types were the size of lions and tigers and shit. Again, this all happens over night. Would you dare to venture outside? Would you stay in and watch the news? What would you do and how would you react.
Well, if that were to happen, my walls would burst open and I’d be running for my life. I live in NYC. There’s insects all over the place. The ants and roaches alone would fill my apartment and murder me before I had a chance to even wake up. The fucking fruit flies who show up every how and then would be like vultures circling my garbage can. So, really, no matter what I did, I’d be screwed. It’s not like I live in the Serengeti and I’d be rejoicing cause all the lions that want to ill me are now tiny. My home would be the new Serengeti. I’d also point out that , the world would probably end within a week of that happening. aside from most insects basically being like prehistoric monsters , if they were huge, imagine the blow to the food cycle. No more cow, lamb or chicken. No more milk. Nothing. Vegans rejoice! You’d be dead too though.

Yo Block, I have a few friends that are cyclists and I occasionally join them on rides that aren’t too bad. The other day we did a 25 mile trek, and after the ride my buddy was complaining about penile numbness. Apparently this is not uncommon among cyclists. You figure a lot of pressure is placed on your undercarriage; nerves get compressed/pinched, etc. He said it usually goes away after a few days, and that he can still get a boner/bust a nut if he tries hard enough, but he equated it to having a super thick condom on. My question is this: would you rather A) suffer the same ordeal for the rest of your life, but sleep with only the hottest women in the world, or B) have full sensation in your penis, but be forced into fucking ugly women?

Oooof…I think I’d have to go with option A cause I’m not really into having sex with people I’m not attracted to. I’m sure that would cause all sorts of erectile dysfunction issues but I’ve never been one of those “get laid to get laid!” kinda guys. So, quality over quantity for sure.

Let’s say Donald Trump gets elected president. Predict in some detail the possibilities of what kind of world we would have to look forward to.

Well, I think our country would collapse within the first year. There would be riots. There would be murder attempts. It could really go one of two ways: Idiocracy or Mad Max. I actually thing the “Idiocracy” direction is inevitable , no matter who becomes president, but Trump would speed the process ten fold. We’d have a gold white house, ethnic cleansing and hookers would be legal. Woman’s rights would be fucked. We’d probably file for bankruptcy within months. No other country would ever wanna talk to us HOWEVER, I bet our relationship with wealthy oil baron scum bags from other countries would never be better.
I understand people are freaking out about this prospect but, let’s be real, he will never win the presidency. The same way these tea party morons were the big thing last time Trump supporters are not a threat. Well, they are, in the sense that they exist and are so dumb they’d vote for Trump but still…If it came down to a nationwide vote, NO WAY he is winning. We’re dumb , but not THAT dumb. This isn’t wrestling.
Any democrat should pray he gets the nomination cause then it’s a guaranteed win for them in the election. I bet a ton of republicans would even go democrat if he was their candidate. The election would be fucking entertaining though. Trump verse Bernie? The best.

What were the biggest challenges and benefits of releasing ‘Bells & Whistles’ on your own instead of through a label? Moving forward, is this the new business model?
The biggest challenge was paying for everything. I had never had to do that before. As an artist on a label, you don’t think of all the expenses cause all that stuff is covered and accounted for. Paying for the pressing, the mastering, the mixing, the press, the art work etc…Granted, there are cheaper ways to do all these things and I went the way I did cause I wanted it to be right but still…it’s not cheap to put out an album. It’s also not THAT expensive, on larger scale so when you see an artist asking for money to put out their album on kickstarter, know that $50,000 is a silly amount to ask for. You can make a good records for under $5000. Easily. Just saying.
Moving forward, I dunno. I didn’t put it out myself cause I wanted to. I did it cause it was the best option. If a label wants to put my shit out, I will do that (assuming it’s a good, trust worthy situation). I don’t think i really have any of that set it stone. Whatever is best for the record.

Have you encountered the phenomenon of actresses on Instagram having ugly dogs and never shutting up about how cute the dogs is? What is up with that?

I think that phenomenon is not just on instagram. It’s life, bro. People and their fucking dogs. People and their fucking cats. People and their fucking babies. There’s just something about ownership of a smaller life form that makes people lose their mind. Sure, all those things can be cute. Without question. And loving them is obviously fine (except cats, they don’t deserve real love). The need to constantly put them on display for a bunch of people who don’t actually care, though? I don’t get it. I mean, I get it…but I think it’s pathetic. And that rhymed!

Are you going to see Straight Outta Compton?
I actually saw it. I went against everything I had believed in and saw it in the theater. I was planning on it being a cable movie and , honestly, i probably should have stuck to that plan. I had just heard such overwhelming response to it I couldn’t deny it anymore.
Here’s the thing about that movie. It’s decent. It’s like 50%-60% good. That other 40%? Lifetime movie garbage. I thought the acting was good. I was impressed with a few scenes where they really went in and showed how fucked up things were. On the flip side, the dude that directed it is terrible. Had anyone with an even remotely stylized vision handled it, it would have been twice as good. All the emotional scenes were handled like a soap opera. They could have had actual power in the hands of another film maker.
There’s also the aspect of the movie being made by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Those two come out looking like fucking genius saints. At no point do either of them seem in the wrong about anything and that’s the problem when you let the people the movie is about, make the movie.
On a positive note, I thought Yella was the best thing in the movie. The dude who played Eazy really did a good job of getting his electric personality across. Suge was pretty perfect. There are a few amazing scenes and I don’t doubt it will be highly re-watchable (the last 30 minutes, not so much). It’s tough for me cause i know the story and there were definitely details I wanted to see more of and other aspects they covered heavily that I didn’t give a shit about. So, I’m gonna be a little biased. Two fucking scenes on “Efil4zaggin”? Come on…I’d give it a soft 6 out of 10.

Oh Really, Uberfact? Vol. 5

816frrg
Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spews all sorts of info all day. Some of it is valid, some is useless, other stuff is totally debatable.
Uberfacts, how do they work? I like to imagine a few dudes in a cubicle just making shit up but I suppose there is a science to it all. I like to bring a few of their facts to light as discuss them like an adult would.

Screen shot 2015-07-20 at 8.10.02 AM

I remember when I first went to college, I was exposed to all sorts of new lifestyles. Like, i knew what a vegetarian was but a vegan? Never seen that before. (Keep in mind,this was the early/mid 90’s). The most shocking lifestyle choice I came across at that time was the straight edge people. A bunch of white dudes from the suburbs with shaved heads and x’s drawn on their hands. Looking at them, they were seemingly a bunch of skinheads who went clubbing the night before. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There was a straight edge guy on my floor in my dorm and I just kinda assumed he was a punk rock kid. Little did I know that his whole existence was not drinking smoking, doing drugs and…having sex. That one threw me for a loop. I realize not all straight edge guys follow that last part but this guy was dedicated. I remember, sitting in the common area of the dorm just grilling him about it all. Not trying to be a dick but generally curious that someone would choose this lifestyle. Beyond just that, that someone would promote it, as opposed to just living that way a shutting up about it. I mean, I drank in high school, but I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I also barely had any sex but that wasn’t cause I was making a statement, it’s cause I was a teenaged coward. I remember speaking to this guy like “Wait, so why not just don’t do those things and live your life? Is the fashion statement necessary?” He came back with some convoluted response about society and how he’s taking a stand. I dunno. I kinda checked out to be honest.

I bring all that up cause , seeing the word “Sapiosexual” all over Tinder had me scratching my head in a similar fashion. I am totally out of the loop with some of this dating site lingo. I quickly learned that TS means transexual but, outside of that, I kept seeing Sapiosexual pop up and thought it mean maybe it was a person who fucked food or a person who was only turned on by cavemen. So, I looked it up and learned it was people who are sexually attracted to intelligence. Oh….okay. So, basically,  on this dating site based on peoples looks, these people are here to tell us nothing gets them wetter than a beautiful mind.  Now, I’m in no way saying people aren’t attracted to intelligence. I mean, shit, didn’t Stephen hawking cheat on his wife? That’s real deal. But I’mma need these tinder Sapiosexuals to cut the bullshit. Lemme see them , swiping some dude in a lab coat who looks like George Costanza. I have the sneaking suspicion that, by intelligence, they mean a tall , handsome dude with a beard who knows a little about craft beer and has a decent mind for movie trivia. Cause none of these hipster girls that put that in their profile are hanging outside college laboratories in tiny skirts looking for mr. right. Sorry nerds.  Sapiosexuality is a cute idea and, on some level, it exists but it’s some false hope for all those truly brilliant, socially retarded types out there looking for love.  I’d imagine it’s like real gluten allergies. Only 2% of the people who claim it ACTUALLY have it.

Screen shot 2015-08-26 at 10.09.56 AM
This is one of those “Man, I am outta touch” moments. I thought Wiz Khalifa was just that dude who made “black and yellow” then he kinda slipped into the background. Artists like him, Tyga, Meek millz…I don’t know a single person who actively listens to their music. And, if I did, I’d be like “Why?” Nothing against their music. It’s, um…fine I guess. But when people settle for the most basic shit out there, it makes me wonder if they realize they have options. All those dudes are lamer versions of better musicians. Why not just listen to the good version? No one’s putting a gun to your head and forcing you to like anything. The fact Wiz holds a record for most plays anywhere is insane. More than Kanye? More than Drake? Hell, more than Mumford and sons? It’s just not something I woulda seen coming. While I’d like to dismiss this all as classic Uberfacts bullshit, it’s probably true and I blame teenagers. I always blame teenagers. You motherfuckers are the worst.

Screen shot 2015-08-26 at 10.06.23 AM

Man, those are some good odds. I’m not one of them, as I can barely touch my toes but, hey, more power to you if you are. This all raises the question: If you could, would you suck your own dick? I think it deserves a poll.


Now, sucking your own dick is a tricky topic. First off, even if you can do, I can’t imagine rolling yourself up in a ball a scarfing down your own cock would be very comfortable. Secondly, it really challenges a mans sexuality. It’s your dick, but it’s still a dick in your mouth. Is that gay? I dunno. I’m sure some will argue that it’s no different than jerking off but I’d say that’s short sighted. Hands and mouths are different things. Like, for instance, if you have to wipe your ass using your mouth (somehow) I’d imagine we’d live in a world of bidets everywhere. The act of fellating yourself has two parts, the beginning and the end. I feel most dudes would give that first part a whirl cause , hey, it probably feels great if you can remove the thought that you are, in fact , sucking a dick. That second part though…that’s the test. Do you bust in your own mouth? Surely that’s a line being crossed. Do you give yourself a facial? I’d think an enlightened man might do it just to put himself in the position of a female for once. Also, what if a dick in your mouth just feels “right”? I feel as though sucking your own dick is a pandoras box for any man who’s even remotely confused with his sexuality. In a way, it could be a way of learning about yourself. I bet that’s a scary prospect. Either way, I’m glad I can’t touch my toes.

(Side note: If you have sucked your own dick, I wanna interview you. I’m 100% serious. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com and I’ll send you some questions. It will 100% anonymous when I post it and I will never give up your name in any way. This is a fascinating thing that could make for an amazing article. Don’t be shy. Let’s talk, bro. )

Screen shot 2015-08-26 at 10.11.56 AM

Ohhhh, Uberfacts spilling those beans! Uberfacts all by the water cooler , coyly sipping their coffee, darting glances both ways before leaning in to say “girl, did you hear about Nicole? She said her and Tommy never felt right!” *giggles insue*.
I feel it should be noted that the word “claims” should never be used in something that’s based on “facts”. I don’t doubt Nicole Kidman was never comfortable with Tom Cruise. Arranged marriages will do that to you. But, I dunno, maybe Uberfacts needs to bring it in a little. Stick to telling me that a group of bears is called a “slurth” (i made that up) or that the average teenager ingests a gallon of sperm before they reach 18 (also, made up). At least that’s based on some reality. Talking about an actresses feelings? Come on, Uberfacts, EVEN you are better than that.

Yay or Nay: Junglepussy

junglepussy
You know, I’ll admit it. i don’t love a ton of Female rappers. This isn’t to say there haven’t been a bunch of very good ones, I just have rarely been drawn to them beyond a song or two. I feel as though this is fairly common amongst many male rap fans. Not sure why it is. Cause, undoubtedly, there are and have been some really talented female mc’s. I clearly remember the first time I heard MC Lyte’s “Eye on this” album and loving it. Or Fugees Era Lauryn Hill. What about Trina? Her content may not be up your alley but she made some dope shit. More recently (meaning the last 15 years) Jean Grae has done a lot of good work. Hell, I may not love her music much but Nicki Minaj can undeniably rap her ass off. I’m listing all these ladies not in a “See! I like girl rappers!” kinda way but more to show the variety that can be found within the genre (is it even a genre?). As much as she was a blueprint for many female rappers, not all of them are Lil’ Kim knock offs. And even some of those knock offs were not bad. But all that said, this is the first female “Yay or Nay” ever so it must be something.

So, I’m probably late to the game but today I discovered JunglePussy. She’s been around for years and the name is definitely familiar. I probably never checked her cause I assumed it was some kinda club/dance/hipster rap that i assumed I wouldn’t care about. Well, turns out I was mistaken. JunglePussy is interesting. She’s funny. She’s contradictory in a great way. She’s also pretty hot but that’s neither hear nor there. She seems to have found a happy medium between the current type of “hot shit”, someone who spits #barz and having a very specific voice of her own. She’s kinda dirty. Topically, i feel as though she might lose some of you more picky, uptight types. But, I’m a believer in “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”, when it comes to rap. And I like how she says things.
Now, I won’t lie, I don’t love some of her production but I’m also a dinosaur so it’s not really made for me. I’m curious what you guys think.


What do you think? (you can pick more than one)

If you’re feeling her, i think you should check her new album on Vice Records

Answers for Questions vol. 253

9072_b9cc_zpsw5zaupfq
What up. Welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You guys send me questions and I answer them. I can always use more so don’t be shy. Send me questions! phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Be weird. Be creative. Don’t ask me about music equipment. I don’t know shit about that.
Anyway let’s see what we got this week…

Say you can have your ideal life (socially, sexually, financially); basically, you can choose whatever course your life will take. However, instead of being a man, you’ll be a heterosexual woman. You won’t remember your life as a male, and you will possess all of the normal urges of a heterosexual woman. Do you do it?

My guess is that most men will say no, and most women will say yes. Based on people I’ve asked that’s definitely been the case. I say fuckit, I’ll do it!

I think what sells me on this is the “ideal life” angle. You’re saying that I could have a absolute happiness as woman? It wouldn’t make sense to turn that down. Sure, being a woman would be a lot rougher than being a man but, like you said, I’d have no memory of being a man so that wouldn’t even come into play. Pretty obvious choice, if you ask me.

How computer saavy is your mom?
Not at all. She knows how to play solitaire and send emails. Outside of that, I’d say she’s pretty limited. My mom isn’t exactly young though so you gotta cut her a break. If I could just get her into texting, it would be a game changer but I don’t see that happening ever. It should also be noted that she’s savvy enough to read this blog so, Hi mom!

I’m sure you’ve been to your fair share of weddings. Which wedding tradition do you think is the wackest? (e.g. white dress, bouquet toss, etc.)
I hate weddings in general. I’m not a fan of that type of tradition as it’s all a bunch of made up bullshit to me. In a perfect world, a wedding would be two people in a room signing marriage documents, then a party afterwards with their friends. No first dance, No vows, No biblical readings. None of that shit.

Food, drinks, a few words said by people close to the couple and partying. That’s all it should be. Cause, if you think about it, while a wedding is a celebration of a union, it’s only really important to a handful of people. The couple, the parents , maybe some very close friends. The rest of the people there don’t ACTUALLY really give a shit. Don’t get me wrong, they’re happy for you but you getting married doesn’t really matter to anyone but you. It’s kinda like how I look at other peoples birthdays “Congrats but, also, who gives a shit? Now, let’s party”.

Downtown science is my favourite Blockhead album. I’m also a big fan of Moondog’s music and Tony Schwartz’s media works. I guess I love New York City even though I’ve never been there.

I said this because I was listening to Moondog’s “Manhattan Music Vol.1″ and I think you sampled some parts from that album on Downtown Science or Uncle Tony’s Col…

The question is: did you ever met Moondog? Thoughts on Tony Schwartz’s work? What was your idea for the voice samples on Downtown Science? Or did they just sound good?

This is where I let you down and tell you I have no idea who you’re talking about. It’s very possible I sampled him. I’ve sampled thousands of things. But I never paid close attention to the sources. ESPECIALLY back when I was making “Downtown Science”. I would literally have a stack of records and blaze through them, often not even looking at the cover.
As for the voice samples on Downtown Science (I’m assuming you mean the sped up talking parts), the album was an ode to downtown Manhattan. I found a record that had tons of clips talking about the city and wanted to push that feeling through. So, yes, they sounded good but it was more just setting a tone for the album as a whole.

No one can’t deny that Def Jux had a huge influence on underground hip hop in the early 2000s. What album from that label do you consider your favorite or which album do you think had the most impact towards hip hop in that era?

It’s hard to say cause I can’t really judge the ones I was involved with. But, when it’s all said and done, “Cold vein” is the best Jux record ever and had the most impact. Sonically, no other album had sounded like that and it’s merged street raps with nerd rap sensibilities. I would say it kinda stepped on the line that had been drawn in the sand for that whole era of underground rap. Prior to that album, you were a backpacker nerd or you were a thug rap fan. That album was the first of that generation to bridge the gap. Also, it holds up still to this day, which you can’t say for a lot of rap from that era.

Being newly single after a long term relationship, What is the best part and worst part so far?
Hmmm…it’s hard to say cause , while it’s been a month or so, my life hasn’t fully slipped into “I’m a single guy!” mode. Mostly cause there are still some logistical loose ends that need tying up that are out of both my ex and my control.
That said, the best part is the freedom. I can literally do anything I want whenever I want to. My ex wasn’t needy or controlling at all so it’s not like that was a problem in the past but there is something great about not having to ever check in. If I get a call on a wednesday at 11:30 at night to go out, I can do that with no guilt or worries. I enjoy the ability to be able to just get up and go. Basically, having my own life schedule. Again, this wasn’t thwarted in the past by my ex but when you live with someone you have to take that kinda thing into consideration at all times.
The worst part? I think it’s too early to tell. The only thing I can think of is the social aspect of a break up where you both have the same friends but even that hasn’t been that bad. It also is the type of thing that generally will get better as time passes.

Actually, you know what the worst part is? My focus. I’ve been all over the place the last month cause it’s like , socially, it’s a free for all. When in a relationship, you have structure and the desire to be out and about is muffled. So, I think I haven’t been thinking much about music the last month or so and I probably should try and regain a little focus on that. It is my job, after all.

If you were on an island with no food and the corpses of your mother and your father, wich one would you eat first and why? Would you start by a particular body part?
Jesus, that’s an awful question.
Well, I’d eat my mom cause my dad has been dead for almost 20 years. He was cremated so suppose I could make an ovaltine like drink out of him but, still, that’s not much food.
I doubt I’d be too selective about what body part to eat first. I mean, arms and legs? Those seems to be the obvious choices.
Again, fuck you for this horrific question.