Sometimes I reveal a little too much..now is one of those times…why? Cause it’s funny. So, here goes….
A while ago, I went to the urologist. First time ever. This is because it had been occasionally itching and burning a little when I peed for the 2 months prior. I had gotten got this all checked up months earlier when i got tested for all the great STDs it could be and the tests came back negative. At the time, they put me on a week of Cipro (I believe that’s the drug they give people who have been exposed to Anthrax) and it went away…only to reappear a few weeks later. While not super debilitating, it’s far from comfortable, so I decided to see what the fuck was wrong with me.
I went to the doctor’s office and did the typical endless chilling in the waiting room. Every time I go to a new specialist there’s always a little anxiety about whether the doctor will be cool or not. This one had some added stress cause, well, this doctor would be dealing directly with my cock and asshole. It’s a touch more personal then an ear and nose specialist. After about 45 minutes of waiting I was ushered into a little room. Part of me was really relieved, I was there to finally get this shit taken care of but the other part of me was crazily shook that I might have dick cancer. In strolls the doctor…and he is not alone. No, instead of doing this ever so personal check up alone he decided to bring a young lady with him. I’m not sure if she was a nurse or another doctor training under him but I do know she was a somewhat attractive, Puerto Rican girl about my age.
This definitely threw me off a little. I mean, I have no issue relaying my problems to either of these professionals but I had a feeling this wasn’t gonna be one of those “tell him my problem and he’ll fix it with no physical activity” kind of events. Unfortunately, I was right. He tells me to go lay down on that paper covered doctors bench and pull my pants down (to the ankles). Now, little known secret for all you ladies out there, when a man is uncomfortable, cold, or anxious it tends to effect his dick in very negative ways. So, I pulled my shit out and let’s just say I’m really not representing. Not that I wanna impress this random woman but still…the situation is a little humiliating. So, the doctor started poking around my dick. I’m not looking but it feels like he’s beating up my shaft while trying to see how far he can stretch my pee-hole open. It’s pretty fucking brutal. He finally stops and asked me to roll onto my side. I knew where this is going. It was going to a place I’ve avoided my whole life. He darted over to his desk and applied lube to his fingers.
“This might hurt. ever have rectal exam?” he said.
I replied “nope.”
“yeah, it’s gonna really hurt…”he said back.
All of a sudden, my eyes bulged out of head as I let out a “mooooootherrrrrfuckerrrrrrrr!!!!” That lasted about as long as he’s rooting around in there. As the “r” in motherfucker is trailing off I added “that’s uncomfortablllllllllllllle” for good measure. I couldn’t see what he did (I’m sure the woman got a really nice view) but I’m willing to bet homeboy went knuckle deep. It sure felt like it. Not only that, but once he was in there I’m fairly certain he applied the Vulcan nerve pinch to my prostate. As soon as it had begun, it was over and he quickly removed his hand from me and pulled the curtain.
“Clean yourself up and wait here” he said. I’d say the time between finger removal and the door shutting behind them was about 5 seconds. I sat there, dazed and violated. For a moment, I really felt like I knew how every whore on the planet has ever felt. All that was missing was $50 on a dresser. Not that I wanted him to hang out after, but the quickness with which he jetted with was weirdly disheartening. Maybe I needed to be cuddled? More likely, I needed a pat on the shoulder and a “that sucked , huh?” Cause, man, did it ever. I pull my pants up and remember that my ass is covered in lube. Rouch. Definitely a moment I could never have predicted would ever happen in my life. I “Clean up” and start laughing to myself as I realize I had just screamed “mooooootherrrfuckkkkerrrr” in a crowded urologists office. I also laughed cause I realized I now know what it feels like to be raped, very briefly, by a guy with a tiny dick. You know what? It hurts. Finally, the doctor came back in and we had this exchange:
Doc: So, you doing ok?
Me: Yeah, I’m just a little dazed.
Doc: Was that your first rectal exam?
Doc (jokingly): I’m so honored to be your first.
Me: Should I give you my varsity pin now or something?
Doc: Now, don’t you feel like we’re old friends?
Me: Very much so.
He then informed me I have dick cancer…just kidding. He did, however, tell me I have prosatitis, so you know that’s dope! He gave me 3 weeks on Cipro and told me no dairy while I’m on the meds. He also told me I should try to ejaculate often.I asked, “how often is often?”
He said “3 or 4…”
“Times a day!!?!?!” I cut him off.
“No, times a week.” He said.
If there ever was a thing that will not be a problem, it’s knocking out those numbers. In fact, I think I’ll top those numbers by day 2…all in the name of better health.