This post may date me pretty hard but I’ve pretty much given up hope on coming across “young and refreshing” at this point.

Megan Fox Hate -

EVERYONE (who doesn’t have a penis) hates Megan Fox.
There are countless stories of her cuntitude and interviews all over the internet where she seemingly makes a fool of herself, flagrantly exposing her inner retard. Now, I’m in no way rebuffing these facts; she’s a fucking idiot, there’s no question; From her stupid Marilyn Monroe obsession (that rivals that of Mariah Carey’s butterfly obsession) to her awful tattoos.

As for her being a total bitch, sure, why not? I don’t know her but I don’t doubt it. My issue is this: She’s an actress. I don’t know if people either, haven’t met actresses before (this includes struggling waitresses), or if people seem to hold famous people to a higher standard of expectations. However actresses, by and large, are the dumbest, most self involved, human beings on the face of the earth and to single out Megan Fox is just not fair. Detractors will argue;

“But she’s saying all that dumb shit in interviews and putting herself out there!”

Do you think, for a moment, that perhaps she’s answering all of these questions because they’re being asked? She’s doing fucking publicity for Christ’s sake! It’s her job. She’s got people knocking down her door trying to get her to answer stupid baited questions and pose in her underwear for whatever dumb men’s leisure magazine they write for.

Sure, she could handle herself much better, she could be more grateful of the things she’s been given, like I said, she’s very likely a bitch. However, if someone like Chloe Sevigny or Anna Paquin said the same shit no one would say anything, they’d just roll their eyes and keep it moving. The extreme hate for Fox is 100% because she’s so fucking hot. Women are furious that a girl so vapid and idiotic is still one of the most desirable woman on the planet to your average man.

In a strange way, the dumber and more annoying she gets, the more men are drawn to her. Her slutty eyes and over all “I’m the shit” vibe just repulses most women understandably so, still, don’t hate the player, hate the game. Whatever she’s doing physically is working and rest assured, her career will not be here in 5 years because some new slore will emerge from the fog with a slightly hotter body and a slightly sluttier look in her eyes.

Until then, let it go. Let Megan Fox do her….
Hopefully that will include a career in hardcore porn and then we can all rejoice and be happy, for different reasons.

This Vampire Craze -

I’m not gonna lie, I watch True Blood.

It’s a completely terrible show that is somehow both watch-able and entertaining but make no mistake, it’s very bad. Of the new rash of vampire based entertainment, True Blood is the only one that doesn’t take itself seriously and that, in it’s self, is why it’s not 100% laughable.

When I first heard about Twilight I paid it no mind because, well, it was a children’s book written by some Mormon broad, not exactly in my wheelhouse. Then, all of a sudden, it was fucking everywhere. The movie was coming out and people were bugging out like The Beatles did a duet with a newly resurrected Jesus. Normally, I wouldn’t even blink at something like this but I’m not talking about just children and ‘tweens freaking out, no, adults were also losing their shit.

Herein lies my beef with this vampire renaissance; If you’re an adult and truly deeply involved in those stupid Mormon virginity propaganda books, you might need to check yourself. The
thing is, I know TONS of girls who I like and respect who are into this bullshit. I think that’s what bothers me; I expect more, it’s fucking vampires for Christ’s sake! You might as well make a book called The Unicorn Chronicles about a far away land where all the unicorns live, and the inner workings of their dysfunctional teenaged unicorn relationships, as seen through the eyes of a beautiful unicorn. Go hard or go home, right?

Now, I wouldn’t take issue with Twilight if these girls I knew would just admit it’s some corny shit they like even though they know it’s the worst…but no..they fucking stand up for it; “It’s about unrequited love!” or “It’s sooooo good!” Fuck that. It’s a children’s book about teenaged vampires (hence appealing to teenagers everywhere) about Mormon values and more directly, abstinence. That’s it.

The same way True Blood is a mirror of gay rights in America. No more, no less. You’re an adult, get a grip. I’m not saying you have to watch the news but let the teenagers have this one. It’s enough that shit like that is making the next generation a bunch of pussies and idiots but the last thing we need is it effecting people old enough to know better.

Lady Gaga -

I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards and one of the highlights was the constant changing of Lady Gaga’s outfits. Now, I’ve seen numerous pics of her online dressed like a complete idiot, it’s kind of her thing but I had never seen her videos or performances. Well, thanks to the good people at MTV, I have now. I gotta say, she definitely goes there. She’s bugged out and takes ‘risks’ but that’s my problem. This same girl whose live show could easily be an avant guarde performance in a small playhouse also happens to make the most cookie cutter bullshit dance music on the planet.

How can someone so supposedly ‘cutting edge’ be so completely banal musically? If the book matched the cover, Lady Gaga would be doing free jazz dance recitals on the lower east side in the early 80’s. She’d be like Laurie Anderson (look her up youngun’s) not fucking Cece Peniston (look her up also, but she sucks). All I’m saying is, pick a side. You can’t be this high brow artiste and a low brow pop act at the same time.

However, I do appreciate that she always covers up her Cyrano-De-Bergerac-ass grill whenever she gets a chance. That’s pretty cool of her.

Dance Shows On TV -

These shows to me must be what watching sports is like for most girls, I simply don’t get them. I’ll hand it to the America’s Best Dance Crew People because they’re actually pretty impressive. But the ones that get me are the amateur dance shows, the worst of which is Dancing With The Stars. The popularity of this show is both staggering and depressing; Second rate forgotten celebrities of the past come back to clumsily dance their way into America’s heart.

I get the ‘watching a car crash’ element to this, kinda like the first few weeks of American Idol before they get rid of all the crazy people. However, to somehow get emotionally invested in that crap is unacceptable. It’s watching people dance as mediocre as humanly possible, that’s it…oh wait, they’re a little famous so that means when they do something mediocre, it’s more important. I swear, they could make a TV show of c-list celebrities wiping theirs asses (“Jenny Jones prefers the unorthodox
front to back method!”) and it would get a 5 year renewal within the first two weeks of broadcasting.

Dog Owners Trying To Convince Me How Great Dogs Are -

To step away from the pop culture, let’s talk dogs and their owners.

In the past, I’ve been very vocal about hating cats and that remains the same. While I don’t really hate dogs, I also am completely indifferent towards them. They can be in a room with me and I will neither pet it nor curse them. This apparently is an issue for dog owners cause every single one of them wants you to love their stupid fucking dog. Whether they’re beaming about how great he is or regaling you with quirky dog tales detailing his awesome personality, it’s all the same. What they don’t understand is that I’m not one of those people. I’m not an animal person. I do not feel closeness with anything from another species. They can’t speak, they can’t clearly communicate, all they can do is eat, run around, bark, shit and sleep.

A popular argument for this is; “Then you must hate babies!” Not true…babies are human. They’re adorable and as they get older, they acquire all the wonderful skills we as humans take for granted. With babies, there are things to look forward to and also they show us the beauty of an untainted human in it’s purest form. Dogs, however, have a ceiling. There will never be a time when a dog and I have a conversation, let alone one of any value. No, he may be able to communicate that he loves me (or loves that I feed him), but beyond that, he’s a wrap. I guess I understand the companionship angle of dogs but, at the same time, needing a dog to be your ace is kinda just throwing in the towel on humans. You’re basically saying ‘I love camaraderie but I’m not so crazy about talking and exchanging ideas. I need someone who will shut the fuck up and be loyal to me regardless of what a douche bag I am.’

Sure, some dogs are cute, puppies are pretty undeniable. But just understand that there are people on the planet who simply don’t give a shit about your fucking dog.