Recently, I got involved in a discussion about threesomes. It began with me posing the question “Two guys, one girl. why?”
The response ranged from “that’s both gross and kinda gay” to “hey, you gotta do what you gotta do”. Personally, I just don’t see a point. Unless you’re going out of you way to degrade the girl (which is something lots of guys do), why not just settle for the boring old one on one style that we all know and love?
I voiced this and one person responded “some nights , it’s your only option.”
This kinda blew my mind. So, by this logic, you’re around girls, so whored out and available that they ONLY are down for sex if it means getting her candle burned on both ends? I’m gonna venture to say that these imaginary sluts would also be down with fucking just one guy. Just a hunch. And that’s just the girls side. As a man, I’d quickly bow out of any possible situation like this. I know how horny people get when they’re drunk but spit roasting a girl with my homeboy just isn’t that appealing to me. I’d gladly take the loss for the night, maybe jerk off when i get home , and pass out. Maybe if you’re extremely hard up or something and your options are few and far between…then , maybe , i could see some valid reasoning behind it (other than the degradation mentioned earlier). Otherwise, it’s just…well…male bonding gone terribly wrong.
This discussion took all sorts of twists and turns and when it ended I felt as if I was some sort of uptight old lady in comparison to the other people I was conversing with.
Now, on the other side of the threesome spectrum, we have the coveted “Two girls:One guy”. This is the holy grail of sexual conquests for your average male. It’s idealized to a point that it’s hard to fathom a higher level of props one man could attain (from other men, obviously. Girls tend to frown on that kinda shit). As prudish as I am, I can actually say I’m a member of the illustrious “Threesome club”. Now, before you go nuts and start throwing me hi-fives at your computer screen , just know that all that glitters , is not gold. And all that suck and fuck, are also not always totally awesome.
I really have no good reason to share this story but I also think it’s kinda funny and see no real harm in it. So, with apologies to anyone in my family , my girlfriend and the two girls involved I shall continue. In fact, if you’re a family member of mine, just stop reading right here. trust me, you don’t need to hear this shit. see you on thanksgiving.
Here’s the story:
When it comes to sex, I’m very much a meat and potatoes kinda guy. I like it vaginal , with no violent overtones and preferably not with an obese person. Sure, this may seem like boring times in Squareville to many but it has served me well. I really have very few regrets and even fewer complaints. While this may sound like the ramblings of an uptight prude, I have actually had some interesting experiences over the years. The one that comes to the forefront, would be the time I had a threesome. Now, to some dudes, this is nothing special. To some dudes, this is called “Friday night”. To guys like me, it was a freak occurrence. Not cause i’m the elephant man and have no game, but because i’m a meat and potatoes guy. Us M&P’ers don’t exactly give off the “who wants to have a threesome?” kinda vibe. In order for that to ever happen, it pretty much has to fall in our lap like a lottery ticket or a lightening bolt made of vaginas.
Interestingly enough, one of my earliest memories of courting girls was one where i blew what could have been a “threesome”. Granted, I was 15, there was no fucking way either of these girls would have both had sex with me (let alone one of them), but i could have at least made out with both of them and perhaps seen some tits. That would have been more than enough for me. But, no, at the time, I was pretty much frozen in fear by the prospect and dropped the ball like some may other soft batch pussies before me probably have in similar situations.
Fast forward about 12 years later , with that missed opportunity still weighing heavy on my regretful mind and that shit actually went down. Allow me to tell you this story. It is not a story of triumph or failure. It’s just some shit that happened where I was in the right place at the the right time.
If i recall, it was a thursday night. At the time, this was a night I went out on religiously. The normal plan would be to round up whoever was down and roll to Don Hills. It was a weekly party there where they played 80′s music and girls got insanely drunk. I went to that party for so many years i effectively learned to zone out any music a DJ could ever play. Trust me, it sounds kinda wack but it was easily the most consistently fun party I’ve ever gone to. It was fun for over 10 plus years. Top that , MisshapeS (or whatever stupid fucking party is cool now). So, I get there and it’s kinda slow. There are a few girls i know there. One is a girl who i have hooked up with a bunch of times. Let’s call her Girl A. She’s really hot but our hook up’s were always a disaster. We simply weren’t that compatible. One time, she threw up in my closet but that’s whole other story. Anyway, we had the type of relationship where we were cool with each other and sometimes would hook up when we’d be drunk but it was never a big deal , although, she would occasionally be prone to drunken jealousy. I suppose that’s kinda par for the course though.
With her, was her friend. I’ll call her Girl B. She was kinda new to the scene and we had drunkly made out once a month or so back at a party. To be honest, she was my focus for the evening. in fact, we had been contacting each other over the week and I kinda knew it was on with her before i even walked in to Don Hills. The night is moving along and Girl B and I are pretty much right on schedule. After a little dancing (This is a tell tale sign of how drunk I must have been) we make out a little and the ball is officially rolling. We walk over to the bar to get some drinks and, out of nowhere, Girl A pops in our faces. I’ve got Girl B leaning on one of my thighs and Girl B plops her ass right down on the other side of me. At this moment, I’m kinda getting annoyed cause I assume Girl A is drunk and obviously cockblocking. I wouldn’t be the first time she had done something like that. Next thing I know , Girl A leans in and starts making out with Girl B. Interesting. I’m chilling, arm around each girl, watching from an inch away as they tongue each other down. To be honest, I’ve never been one of those dudes who gives a shit about girls making out for attention but this was happening in my lap so I’m pretty focused. Then, Girl B turns to me and we make out. Next , Girl A follows suit. In my head , I’m kinda like “ok..ok..this is some girls gone wild shit…whatever…they’re just playing up for each other” but i’m not really trying to fuck up the flow of this so i just kinda play it cool. By “cool” I mean “i’m not saying a word”. Right then, I look up and see some cocksucker I went to high school with buying a drink at the bar. He was the type who used to try and play me out on some cool guy shit when we were in 12th grade. He’d been watching the whole thing. I shot him a smug , shit eating grin and, as far as I’m concerned, the night could have ended there and been an overwhelming success.
At this point, it’s still not super late. Maybe 2 AM. Girl B says “hey guys, why don’t we go over to my place?”. I know Girl B didn’t mean it like this but i felt like it became a game of chicken with Girl A. Who would bow out first? Without missing a beat, Girl A agrees to go. My eyes must have looked like they were gonna pop out of my head. Was this really happening? But, following my earlier “play it cool” plan, I nodded and followed them out. We walked up to the corner and hit the deli. As we got in the deli, perhaps the fluorescent lights sparked some sort of mood swing , but the tone of the night took a definitive turn. Suddenly, Girl A and Girl B were bickering. I forget what it was about but rest assured, it was petty and completely pointless. This bickering followed us outside into the cab. As we shot across town, I sat between these two girls , whom may or may not be fucking me later, as they were basically tearing each other apart. Awesome. By the time we got out of the cab, I had resigned to the fact that this wasn’t going to happen and I pretty much just wanted to salvage the night by hooking up with girl Girl B. We walked up to Girl B’s apartment. It was a long loft type apartment with a bathroom on one side and her bed on the other. The bickering was still happening and I was angling to get Girl B to come to my place and leave girl A to crash at her house (they were staying together that week or something). I even put my coat back on and made the suggestion. When I vocalized this, Girl A said “No, don’t go yet, lemme go to the bathroom”. As she moped off towards the bathroom, Girl B quickly tugged me over to the bed and started making out with me. This was admittedly awkward cause Girl A was only taking a leak and would be out any second. The making out somehow quickly leaped into hyper drive and all of a sudden, there was a penis in a mouth. Just as this act had begun, Girl A popped out of the bathroom. Due to my situation and how the apartment was set up, I was pretty much just looking right at her. She shyly doted around , seemingly trying to find something to do. To be honest, I was confused and kinda curious as to what she was gonna do with herself. This apartment had no walls. It’s not like she could go to another room and hang out. Right then, Girl B changed the game. “Girl A, come over here…”. Did i just hear that? She was a little hesitant but girl B stuck to her guns. “come on, it’ll be fun…”. With a shrug of the shoulders, Girl A made her way over to the bed. Girl B was still handling things downstairs so Girls A and I started making out. It was weird. We were both obviously uncomfortable but just kinda riding the wave. It was not passionate. It was not like how you see it in porno movies. It was two people trying to figure out what the fuck was going on while a third person was doing her thing. Perhaps she sensed the mood , cause Girl B took the wheel and got the Threesome on track. Girl B was no novice. She conducted the action with the efficiency of an anal retentive warlord. Once the ball got rolling, I started to feel more comfortable and decided I wanted to run through the Threesome check list. I figured this would very likely never happen again (I was right about that) and I wanted to be able to say I did all these different things within the threesome.
I methodically went through all the variations i could think of cause i felt like time was of the essence. The funny thing about all this is that the sex itself was forgettable. It wasn’t hot. It wasn’t much of anything. It was mechanical and forced. Girl B was an awesome sport and doing her best to keep things moving. Girl A was obviously not committed to it at all but she was doing it for what seemed like the same reason I was. To do it.
At one point, Girl B said “ok, now put it in her butt” as she pointed over at girl A. Right there, I knew things were close to over. neither Girl A or myself had any interest in that (i know, I know…i’m a bitch. I can live with that) and I think it also tipped off Girl B that were we’re not of her pedigree when it came to threesomes (assuming she hadn’t figured this out within the first five minutes). We were white belts. She was a ninja.
I forget exactly how it finally ended. I know no nuts were busted. The floor was spackled with unfilled used condoms. The bed was a touch ripe. Eventually, the sun was peaking through the blinds and I was laying between these two girls half asleep. Girl A was Passed out. Coma style. Still with boner, I noticed Girl B was not only awake, but still in it to win it. RIght there, I figured this might be my best chance to actually have fun beyond being able to tell my friends all about this later that day.
So, Girl B and I finally got some “alone time”. I’m also not proud to say that I kinda used Girl A’s sleeping , lifeless body as leverage for a little bit during this act. While that sounds horrible and just over all evil, I like to think it was my last ditch effort to involve her in what was actually the first successful act of the whole procedings.
Yah, it’s a stretch but I gotta spin that scum bag shit somehow, right?
Pretty hot story , huh? You must be really horny now. I bet. My Luscious tales of erotica are truly something I think everyone can appreciate.
But seriously, having a threesome was something I’m very glad I did , even though the experience itself was pretty much half assed. I’d like to say I’m proud of myself for achieving this but , in all honesty, I didn’t really “earn” it. It happened to me. I didn’t make it happen. At best, I kept my mouth shut long enough for it not to backfire.
On paper, A threesome is a natural act between three equally invested and horny people with no issues beyond pleasing the other participants. Unfortunately, People are people and unless you’re all on extasy and had perfect upbringings, chances are, things won’t ever flow as smoothly as you want them to. Granted, this is my one and only experience. I’m sure there are millions of people out there who have flawlessly pulled off threesomes. I’m just not one of those people.
When it’s all said and done, it was awkward. Girl A and I made sure of that. In fact, I’d say the joy of being able to tell the story far exceeds the joy I got from actually being in the threesome. And the funny thing is, that story was pretty boring and tame, right? Imagine if I wasn’t an uptight prude? My guess is that the story would have been funnier and it would have very likely involved fecal humor. Oh well. Cest le’ vie.