So, I’ve been trying for a while now to get you guys to send me options for the “Fuck/marry/kill” game. For those of you who live on a different planet and have no idea what this game is, you’re given three names and you must decide, if you were on an island and had no other choice which one would you fuck (cause, you know, when on an island the one off bang is the obvious choice), marry (obviously, you’re gonna wanna bring the law into your island relationship) and kill (cause when on a deserted island, 4 is a crowd). This is an old and dumb game and my hopes were/are to take it and over-think everything. I’m not gonna lie…the majority of the options I had sent to me weren’t very creative. But I’m hoping after I do one of these and you guys see where I’m going with this, you will send me some really funny ones. If you got any good ones, leave them in the comment section below or email them to me (firstname.lastname@example.org) Let’s begin
F,M,K: katy perry, zoey deschanel, emily blunt
Fuck: Katy Perry
Why?: Well, this is an odd one. All three options are kooky white girls who would very likely annoy the shit out of me within minutes. I definitely think Perry is hottest, in terms of that she has awesome big tits and he downs syndrome isn’t THAT bad. I also feel, because she’s not an actress, she would be the most fun sexually. Because actresses are self involved and , in general, terrible people. Her being an exhibitionist doesn’t hurt either.
Why?:This was a tough choice. I’m honestly not crazy about either of the remaining girls but Zoey is definitely cute. in fact, she’s like a much prettier Katy Perry. She’s also like this uber weirdo type with hippie hipster Los Angeles leanings. While this would infuriate me, I’m gambling on the hope she might be more endearing than annoying. It’s a big risk but that’s why divorce exists…even on this little fucking island.
Kill: Emily BLunt
Why?: I got nothing against Blunt. She’s fine. Honestly, I’m just least attracted to her out of the 3. She’s certainly pretty but she’s got a sour lemon face that leads me to believe she’s a jerk. I also don’t have a great track record with british girls so that doesn’t help. Not that I don’t like them but they tend to definitely not like me. The last thing I wanna do is marry so uppity british girl who hates me. So, DEAD.
F,M,K: v-nasty, kreayshawn, lil debbie
Marry: Lil Debbie
Why? She’s cute and doesn’t say much. That’s pretty much all there is to it. The other two would be the worst two people to be around ever so this was an easy choice. Besides, I find Dj’s are always more mellow than rappers.
Why? It’s funny. I actually find her to be the ugliest of the three but I simply cannot imagine having sex with V-nasty. Her gangly arms and little boy body are a huge turn off. Kreayshawn may look like Lady GaGa in color ways but there is a glimmer of sexuality in there…somewhere…deep down. Enough to make me want to have sex with her more than V-nasty, whom I’d feel bad about fucking strictly on some “You shouldn’t take advantage of special needs people” type shit.
Why? As much as I find her fascinating, the idea of having to either converse or put my penis inside her is horrifying. She’s got the body of grover on Sesame street and the mouth or Noreaga if he grew up in oakland. I just couldn’t deal with it. There’s a certain type of stupid that only exists in the Bay Area that she has. I’m not saying people from the Bay area are stupid. Not at all. I’m saying this particular type of dumb only exists there and you only ever see it from certain people from that area. She’s got it in spades. Too much weed. Too Much syrup. Not enough dad. That flavor of idiot rubs me the wrong way. I got no patience for it so it’s a deal breaker for sure. Thus, she’s getting fed to the sharks. Though, the thought did cross my mind to marry her simply so I could listen to her freestyle all day.
F,M,K: The Kardaishian Sisters
Why?: I mean..come on. Kill it with fire. This was an obvious no brainer even though, I’d say she’s easily the coolest of all three of them. But my penis ain’t the fonz and I’m not on this island to make a buddy (reality show style). Not to mention, she would probably end up fucking me with a strap on cause she’s like 6’4” and strong like bull. Fuck that. she’s dead.
Why?: Very tough choice. All three of these girls are pretty terrible. Courtney is very cute and,even after a baby ,looks great. That’s a good thing right there. More importantly, she’s only sort of annoying. As an admitted watcher of their show on E!, I know that she’s at least somewhat reasonable, she actually enjoys sex and is the mellowest of the three. Those three things are enough to put her into the marry category when pitted against her sisters.
Why?: Well, point blank, she’s the hottest. By far. say what you will about (and I’m about to) but she’s fucking gorgeous. She gets hated on as fat or too plastic faced but her body is ridiculous and her face , while spackled with way too much make up, is stunning. So, why not marry her? Well, cause she’s possibly the most worthless person on the planet. She is stupid, selfish, needy and just an overall boring person with nothing to add to anything. Watching her interact with her now husband on that show is enough to scare a person off from relationships forever. She’s one of those “tell me how much you love me?” girls who are so insecure and in need of validation constantly, keeping her happy is fucking impossible…and not worth it. So, she’d get fucked. Preferably on mute.
F,M,K:Hillary Clinton ,Barbara Walters ,Oprah
This one is brutal but it’s also an idea of where I want this column to go. Get weird with it…anyway, she’s the youngest. She’s the , um, most attractive. I guess. I definitely wouldn’t wanna be married to her. So, by default, she wins the honor of fucking me. A guy she probably wouldn’t let carry her luggage in an airport. You’re welcome, Mrs, Clinton.
Though, I bet she’d be appreciative of a good fucking. So that’s always something to consider as well.
Kill: Barbara Walters
Why? she’s almost there anyway. Might as well help her on her way out. She’s old as dirt and I did consider marrying her to collect the check after she does eventually die. But I’m not that big of a low life so just let her pass in her sleep.
For one, the lifestyle would be awesome…on that island. I imagine, in a weird way, I would get along with Oprah. Also, she’s a lesbian so sex wouldn’t be an issue. I’d rather fuck a conk shell anyway. It would be more of a life partnership than anything and if we did ever get off that island? CHA-CHING!
Get it? Good. Send me more options and let’s get this party poppin’.