Everyone’s favorite hateful column is back. I get to play god and choose the fate of people who wouldn’t fuck me in a million years. But, that’s the beauty of blogging…My game. My rules. So, let’s see what we got this week.
Fuck/Marry/Kill:Jessie spano, Kelly kapowski, Lisa turtle
At the time of “saved by the bell” , I thought she was the hottest. To this day, she ranks up these with some of my favorites from that era. But Lisa Turtle was a cunt. A real snotty bitch. So, I dunno if I’m really trying to marry a girl with that much attitude and self entitlement. I will, however, fuck her.
She always seemed sweet but that’s not why I’m choosing her to wed. She’s obviously cute but she really came into her own after “saved by the bell” ended its run. My goal would be to marry her as Kapowski and she would eventually turn into the hot girl she was on Beverly hills 90210. It would be like a gift that keeps on giving. Not to mention, her only experience is with a few date rapey looking frat dudes from the local college and a blonde sociopath. I could do right by her.
Kill: Jessie Spano
Obviously. First off, not a fan of the tall bird looking broads.She looks more likely to post me up in the paint than make out with me. Secondly, she’s a speed addict. No one needs that in their life. I like stability and the last thing I need is some coked out acting , faux feminist getting all crazy on me to the point where she’s crying and talking about missing the smell of Slater’s Jerri Curl on her pillows.
Marry/Fuck/Kill: Dorothy, rose, blanche (from golden girls)
Well, on one hand, she’s actually still alive but I suppose these rules don’t apply to this game. On the other, she is the most “wifey material” of the golden girls. Look at her, she’s kinda cute for a senior citizen. She’s a bit out of it but seems fun enough. I bet she can bake too. That’s huge. I’d eat the fuck outta some cookies made by rose cause you don’t see those kinda early 1900’s recipes anymore. Shit would be mad authentic.
Much like Jessie Spano above, I’m not trying to play one on one with this sea monster. I’m pretty sure Dorothy isn’t fucking with dudes anyway. She looks like Mrs. doubtfire and probably smells like moth balls and muesli. There’s just no way around that. DEAD.
Listen, I’ve always felt Blanche was disgusting looking. She always looked like the personification of “alcoholism” to me. However, it cannot be overlooked that she was the slut. Blanche had been around the block and back and , often, those girls are the most fun to have sex with. The thing I respect about blanche is that she was an honest to goodness slut. See did it for all the right reasons. Those reasons? Certainly not the typical reasons other lesser sluts have like insecurity or trying to dupe the guy into a relationship. Her’s were a genuine hunger for cock and I’d never fault any girl for that.
Marry/Fuck/Kill:Jwoww, deena, snooki
This was tough. Let’s be clear here. J-woww is a weird looking person. She has all the making of a hot girl but it just doesn’t click. She’s lost all this weight and got buff but has these ridiculous clown tits that I honestly can’t believe any guy likes looking at. At this point, she looks weathered. Like her face has been used to clean old wooden tables for the past few years. However, the other two girls in this round are so fucking disgusting, I have no choice. Ideally, she’d live up to her words from the Jersey Shore intro where she says “After i have sex with a guy I rip his head off” cause ,with no head, I wouldn’t have to marry either of those other two trolls.
I know. This makes no sense. She’s a gargoyle of a girl. Without make up on, she might as well be danny devito. However, she’s a blast in a glass. I honestly don’t even know what that really means but it translates to being a drunken whore. So, you may be thinking, why would you marry her? Well, this answer was chosen by the sociopath in me. Frankly, she’s an insecure mess and somewhat sweet. Also, once committed, guido girls are nothing if not blindly loyal to the men that have sex with them. By marrying her, I’d just cheat on her all the time and she’d most likely just grin and bear it. Living that selfish and guilt ridden life would still be better than marrying Snooki.
Prior to the newest season of Jersey Shore, Snooki has always seemed like the goofy yet sweet girl who liked to party. She was likable. This season , however, her awfulness has been exposed. She’s fucking terrible. She’s a complete drunk who kicks and screams when she doesn’t get her way. She has no consideration for anyone but herself and she obviously let her fame go to her head.Reasoning with her would be like trying to get a dog to breakdance. I have no time for that kind of shit. By killing her, I’d be doing her a favor. She’s a miserable little goblin. It would be for the best.
This weeks brutal choice:
Marry/Fuck/Kill:Estelle Harris, Janet Reno, Jocelyn Wildenstein
Marry: Janet Reno
While I’d sooner marry the barrel of a shotgun, that’s not an option. I chose reno cause I’m sure she’s intelligent. But more so, I’m fairly certain her vagina is dead so intimacy in this relationship wouldn’t be an issue. It would be like living with a grand mother but we’d be married.I guess. What a fucking nightmare these choices are.
Again, If the barrel of a shotgun was an available choice, I’d fuck it.
She pretty much just fell here by default. It’s only one fuck so I guess I’d take like 7 viagra, get drunker than I’ve ever been and just get it over with. Even though she looks like Sam kinison with a perm.
Kill: Jocelyn Wildenstein
She is the lady version of Ron Pearlman in “Beauty and the beast”. I’m a legitimately frightened by her face. If it were a mask in a horror movie, that movie would be scarier than “The exorcist” on principal. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with her? Her face looks like if you had a Candle made to look like Fergie then you melted it and had Micky Rourke play it in a movie. She would sooooo get killed. Like, before anyone else I’ve ever had in this column. She’s the A #1 deadest person ever to me.
Fuck/Marry/kill:Liv Tyler, Olivia Munn, Kari Byron (from mythbusters)
Marry: Olivia Munn
I mean, was there even a question? She’s the definition of wifey material.
I’ve been loving Munn for a long time now (I even wrote a blog post about over a year ago). Sure, she never responds to my tweets to her but, if we were married, she’d fucking have to! Put a ring on it!
Fuck: Kari Bryon
I had to google her to see what she looks like but, hell yeah, I’d fuck her. I’m sure she’s like one of those cool nerd types. Honestly, she reminds me of hot bodied jewish girls I used to love when I was younger so there’s a nostalgia thing going as well. She’s younger (and therefor hotter) than Liv Tyler, in great shape and…i don’t fucking now. SHe’s a fuckable girl. What else is there really to say?
Kill: Liv Tyler
I have nothing against Liv Tyler. I knew a bunch of people who knew her in high school back when she was the type who dated Latin Kings (it was the early/mid 90’s, that what rich white girls in NYC did). She pretty much just has to fall on the sword here cause, while I think she’s very pretty, I’ve never been crazy about her. She’s got a doofus face and , when the competition is this stiff, that’s all it takes to get you killed.