This week, Tim and I discuss all things not-Kardashaian. This includes wrestling, Demi Moore and Tim’s anger towards my indifference toward football.
Sup yo. Very happy to be back this week , business as usual. If you got more questions for this blog or “ask dr. Tony”, send them my way: email@example.com. I’ll answer basically anything within reason. Some would say I’m an open book. I might say I’m a book that has some pages stuck together , but mostly, I’m quite readable. Anyway, let’s do it.
Let’s start with a quickfire round:
record for most non-diarrhea shits in one day
What kind of OCD serial killer keeps track of that? That’s like asking me how many pounds of nail clippings have I amassed over my lifetime.
2 rappers you wish would make comebacks in 2012?
assuming you mean successful comebacks and not just make a shitty album:
4 beats you wish you had made that came out in 2011?
The dates may be off on these so, don’t nitpick…also, these are just off the top so , obviously, it’s not some official list.
Stapleton: Earl Sweatshirt
Pac Blood: Danny Brown
Cold facts: KA
best tits/woman you’d most want to lay the pipe to from Game of Thrones?
I honestly can’t call it. I’ve watched the show but most of the tits shown are random prostitutes. So, I’ll just say “Random prostitute #5″.
most vaginas you’ve seen in one 24 hour period (in person)?
Two , on a bunch of different occasions. I feel like seeing three is a 24 hour span is some next level shit.
What’s your take on Prince Paul and what (if any) are your favorite songs/projects he’s worked on? Do you think his work is underrated compared to other producers and have you ever had the opportunity to meet or work with him?
I’m a huge prince paul fan. I dunno if he’s underrated though simply because I think he’s pretty widely recognized as one of the best hip hop producers ever. As for my favorite projects he’s done , I’d say his work with De La Soul is my favorite. The gravediggaz are great too. He did a beat for this dude Justin Warfield on a song called “K sera sera” that’s one of my all time favorite beats.
I’ve never worked with or met prince paul but, like I said, I’m a huge fan.
What are some things you are comfortable engaging in alone?:
going to the movies
attending a show/concert
going to a party (you only the know the host)
going to a bar/club
going to a sit down restaurant and or a fancy restaurant
attending a festival
I’m not one of these people who likes doing activities alone. If I’m alone, I’m usually inside working on music or watching TV….and I love being alone for those type of things. Occasionally, when it’s nice out, I’ll go for long walks in the city with my headphones. But all those things you listed? Nah. I’m not that type of guy. When I tour, I’m often alone and end up doing things I normally wouldn’t like eating in a restaurant alone or seeing a movie alone but otherwise, If I’m gonna be alone, I’ll REALLY be alone. In a room.watching sportscenter and playing around on the internet. I am jealous of those types of people who can just go to a bar or party alone and have fun. I hate small talk far too much to ever even try that shit.
I love the remix you did of Cool Calm Pete’s “Lost” have you guys done anything else together that I’m overlooking?
You would make a crack team and I would pay huge to see some sort of weird rainy day hip hop collab between you guys (I made that genre title up, seems fitting)
I actually ran into Pete over the summer. We exchanged numbers and all but I think he’s busy with his career outside of music so I dunno if he’s planning on releasing much stuff anytime soon.
Do you have any weird requirements that must take place in order to sleep, like for example I have to sleep with a fan on and when my girlfriend turns it off when I’m passed out, I instantly notice, wake up, tell her off, and turn it back on.
I’m a terrible sleeper so I’ve tried all sorts of shit. Before my girl moved in, I’d always go to sleep to stand up comedy. But, because he’s got a normal job, I can’t just put on Itunes when I’m tired cause it would wake her up. Nowadays, I put on my Ipod and listen to some random podcast till I pass out and/or take out the earphones and drift off. It’s certainly not fool proof but it seems to do the job most of the time. All i know is that I can’t fall asleep to silence.
does your friend “Jer” have his own twitter or facebook or w/e where he posts his music? His music (at least the stuff I know about like pfac and sir jarlsburg) is fucking hilarious and really brightens up my life to hear such well put together and detailed “character” rap.
Knowing you are a basketball fan what do you think of the nets moving to Brooklyn?
On one hand, it’s gonna be cool to have another option to go watch a pro basketball game at. I’m kinda doubting they’re gonna be good anytime soon though cause, no matter where they land, it seems like no one wants to go there. Deron is definitely gonna jump ship the first chance he gets and that just leaves them with a D-league team with a few decent scorers.
The downside of it will be all the fake ass brooklyn people claiming that team as their own. They might as well serve Pabst blue ribbon as the official beer and open up vegan hot dog stands.
What is your opinion on paying for porn? Believe it or not, I have actually done it, although in general I basically never do. That being said, I’m a big proponent of supporting artists by paying for music online. Should porn be treated the same way?
Before the internet, back when people used VHS tapes, my friends and I had a circulating porn swap constantly going. We’d get our hands on a tape, use it thoroughly and pass it on to the next person. Rarely was much money spent on these videos but they had a great shelf life. Once porn got online for free and VCR’s went the way of the dodo bird, things changed. The DVD’s were too expensive considering what you were getting. I mean, paying 30 bucks for something you’re gonna jerk off to like 6 times is kinda insane. At least with music, you might end up listening to it for the rest of your life. Anyway, because of this high priced tag on something that is generally disposable, watching porn online for free made a lot of sense. I mean, it’s what I do now and I can’t imagine doing it any other way.
However, as an artist, I can hear someone describing this exact scenario about why they don’t buy music anymore and it sucks. I think the porn stars should definitely be paid for what they do (that shit is much harder work than what i do, that’s for sure) and ,admittedly, it takes money right out their pockets. In a way, porn and music consumption have become very similar. The only people buying it are avid fans. The casual consumer just opts to stream or download cause they can.
If you follow my Twitter or my Facebook fan page, you may be aware that I had my laptop stolen (and returned) over the course of 12 hours yesterday. A lot of people are asking me about it so I figure , instead of answering everyone separately, I’ll just run the story down here. Just know, that I’m one lucky motherfucker…
Before getting into the details, I know a lot of you are going to think I’m being dramatic here. After all, it’s only a laptop. While, technically, that is true, I’d venture to say my laptop, in respect to my career and life , is pretty much the focal point. EVERYTHING I do goes through there. You would think, because of this, I would back it up constantly. Shamefully, that only happens a few times a year as I just really don’t think about it that much. I accept this is my fault and I’m a lazy dickhead but, you know, whatever. Nobody’s perfect.
Anyway, for me to lose my laptop would mean not only thousands of dollars of costs for buying a new one, as well as re-buying the programs on there but I would also lose everything. Any new beat I’ve made over the last year. My entire I-tunes library…I have folder dedicated to this blog alone of ideas and questions people have sent me. Forget about the hundreds of bookmarked websites…all that shit, gone. So, consider that while reading this story. Anyone losing their laptop is bad, but for me, it would be like having to start over again in many ways…One of my sisters sent me a text consoling me about it and compared it to when her house burned down in the 80′s. She lost everything but slowly just kinda rebuilt her life. While that it obviously more dire than me losing a laptop, it definitely resonated with me. At least it did yesterday when I was a shell shocked zombie.
Anyway, on with the story…
So, It was thursday night and I was heading to a bar when Sir Jarlsberg was doing a little video release party. I told him I’d come dj for an hour ,so I bought my laptop with me. I actually almost walked out the house forgetting my laptop there until a friend reminded me to bring it (Omen#1).
The party was fun but I never even bothered taking my laptop out to dj, instead opting to use my friends computer that was already set up. So, really, i bought out my lap top for no reason.
That party died down so we figured we’d head somewhere else. Once again, prior to leaving, I almost forget my laptop bag (Omen#2). Anyway, a bunch of us headed over to Max Fish, a bar on the lower east side where I go pretty much anytime I drink. There’s a good chance, if you’ve been to NY and drank heavily , you’ve heard of it and either love it or hate it. Whatever your opinion on it, I don’t care. I love it over there no matter how bad it gets.
So, we’re all there, drinking and being merry. Last call is made and everyone starts gathering their belongings. I’m involved in like 4 drunken conversations and really not paying attention. One of the door guys begins to usher people out so I quickly grab my jacket and bounce. My girl , a friend and I decide to take a stroll to “south Brooklyn Pizza” (best slice in manhattan) which is a good 15 minute walk from Max Fish. As I’m sinking my teeth into the slice, my girl asks where my laptop bag is. I go white (whiter than I already am , at least). By now, it’s 4:30 and the bar is shut down. My homeboy Allan was working the bar that night so I called him. Luckily he was still there. I asked if there was still a black laptop bag there and he said, yeah. I breathed a sign of relief until he was like “Oh wait…it’s not here anymore”.
Apparently, what happened was, they had seen the bag there. One of the door guys asked what he should do with it and Allan said just leave it for now and we’ll deal with it later. About 5 minutes later, some guy knocked on the door and said to the door guy “Hey man, I left my bag”. The door guy gave him the bag and that was it. I can’t blame the door guy. I woulda done the same thing. It turns out, he had be casing the bag when he left and was just waiting to see if anyone was gonna claim it.
Allan tells me all this and I immediately start feeling sick. He says that he did look at the security tape and they got the guys face. He was an indian guy with glasses. That’s all the info they had and , really, at that point, there was nothing else to do but go home and deal with it tomorrow. I was still drunk to I don’t think the reality of the situation had sunken in. I mean, I was fucked in the head by this but still able to just fall asleep when I got home. By then, it was 5 am.
I wake up to my heart beating…I looked at the clock and it’s 7:15 am. I’m bugging. I realize that this shit is actually happening and I’m seriously starting to freak out. My girl is still sleeping so I go to another room and just pace a round for a while trying to figure out what I’ll do without my laptop. My new album has already been sent off for mastering so that was safe. But the 50 beats or so I had made this year were gone…Which meant all the projects I was working on were now screwed. I tried to sleep a little more but couldn’t so I ended up sending out email to all the rappers I’m working with about what happened. Basically, just letting them know that all the beats they wanted were no more. They were all very sympathetic and we were discussing ways around it (perhaps using pre-recorded mp3′s of those lost beats and just losing a little sound quality). Regardless, it fucked me up…but not as much as the realization that my live set and all it’s parts was gone. I had some shows in less than a month and the idea of completely remaking my live set from scratch made me want to throw up. It would basically be like making an hour long song, comprised of about a thousand little clips. Some of which I didn’t have backed up…that shit put me in panic mode. also, I have a whole section of my Itunes filled with sample sources both used and unused. It’s the foundation of any beat I’ve made over the last 3 years. If that was gone, I’d have nothing. Add on to that that I realized someone would be breaking into all my emails and social networks , as well as i wouldn’t be able to continue my blog anytime soon…I was just at a loss.
This is gonna sound dramatic but I can honestly say I’ve never felt more helpless in my life. It was my fault for forgetting the bag and there was no rationalizing it to myself.
Once it got to a decent hour, I called Allan and my friend Shannon (who also works at Max Fish). My hopes were that maybe I could look at the video and see who the guy who took the lap top was with. Perhaps someone would recognize him. Both Shannon and Allan were extremely helpful and understanding and told me they wanted to ask the door guy, Jamal, if he knew anything, as he was the guy who actually saw the dude who took it up close.
I sat in my crib , laying in bed in shock just waiting for a return phone call from anyone with any info whatsoever. I have one of those nervous stomachs, meaning, when I’m nervous, I shit a lot. You can imagine how this has played in other life situations…not pretty, but I digress. Then that call came…
Shannon had spoken to Jamal , who said he knew the dude that was with the thief and he was calling him right now. Holy shit. The fact that, not only did Jamal know the guy but that he happened to have his number was insane. It all seemed to good to be true so I tried to muffle my pre-emeptive joy and just assume the worst.
A little while later, Shannon called me to tell me Jamal told him “We got your friend on video (which they did) and the laptop has a tracking device (which is doesn’t) and , unless he brings it right back, we’re gonna press charges.” The kid wanted nothing to do with that mess so he caved instantly and was like “Okay, I’ll go get it from him and bring it back to you…”
For the first time in 2 hours my heart slowed down, I ate some food and i smiled.
The guy met up with Jamal, gave him the bag and Jamal dropped it off at Max Fish, where I later picked it up. As a token of my appreciation, I bought Jamal a bottle of Patron but he wasn’t even there when I went to pick it up..in fact, I’ve never formally me the dude in my life. So, whoever he is, THANK YOU.
And that’s what happened. Max Fish CSI motherfuckers in effect. I’m a fairly unemotional person. I’m very centered in that respect. Some (girls I’ve dated) would say I’m almost robotic. But yesterday was a range of emotions I’ve never felt. I compared it to a mother losing a child, but hey, does your child carry 6 months of beats on it? (just kidding about that one, calm down).
I’m not a believer in much. I don’t believe in Karma or god or any of that shit. But I do believe I’m a pretty lucky fucking dude. Chance is on my side. And I also believe that there are people out there willing to go the extra mile for you. Not many, but they exist…and they all work at Max Fish.
Anyway, that’s it. I can never thank those Max Fish dudes enough and I hape that indian in glasses eats shit and dies. But , also, I appreciate all of your concern via Twitter and Facebook. I’m glad there is still some sympathy left in the world…even if , on the large scale, this is the ultimate first world problem, I know people can relate.
So, until I lose that shit again, one lovvvvve!
Out getting Ribs By King Krule
This hasn’t been a very rappy week on the blog so, if you’re here for that, I apologize. Don’t worry, things will get back to their rappy ways in no time.
This weeks song of the day may or may not be a well known song. I really don’t know. I suppose it depends who you are. If you’re like me, it’s pretty new. What sets it apart from my typical “song of the day” choices is that it’s a new rock (I guess that’s what you could call it) song. The artist is a young ginger from the UK, formally known as Zoo Kid, but now known as King Krule. I’ve heard he’s 17. That could be true…or not. I dunno. Look it up if you really give a shit. All I know is that he looks 13, is the gingeriest ginger alive but sings like he’s Joe Strummer.
You know when you hear and song and immediately know you’re going to be singing it in your head for the rest of the week? This was that song for me. And, it’s rare that i like much new music, let alone some rock shit. It’s never been my flavor but this type of song is right the wheelhouse for me. It’s bluesy, it’s melancholy, and somewhat off center. I dunno..I hope you rap loving people can appreciate something like this and not turn it off the second you watch the video above cause it looks like a baby Rick Astley is about to serenade you.
as a bonus, here’s some live footage of this song where, mid song, he tunes his guitar on stage. Dunno why but I fucking love that he did that.
About three/four years ago, I wrote an entry for the Def Jux Blog (that I eventually posted here) about me working with a female vocalist. It basically just described the frustration of trying to make music with people when outside influence won’t let you do what you want. That girls name was Lizzy Grant. About a year or two after we had that studio session, I saw some new videos of hers pop up on youtube under the name Lana Del Ray. Flash forward to the present day and this girl is a huge star.
For a reference point, here’s the original story:
I’ve been kinda wrestling with the idea of whether of not I should write this piece. Part of me feels like it’s cheap cause, now that this girl is famous (and notorious) , it’s seemingly just a easy way to get readers. However, considering the bad press she’s been getting lately, I don’t think it would hurt to just shed some light on some things from my perspective.
So, I’m still “friends” with Lizzy on facebook. It’s not like we ever speak but you know how facebook friendships are. There are people on there who you met once at a drunken party that, because of befriending them, you know what their kids look like. Anyway, the other day, Lizzy Posted an urgent plea to all her Facebook friends to please not accept any interviews from people trying to dig up dirt on her. This was shortly after the Saturday Night Live debacle and, honestly, I can’t imagine what kinda hell this girl was going through.
Yes, the SNL performance was fucked up. I was extremely surprised. Once that aired, it would seem like shit hit the fan. I mean there was a fucking front page article on Yahoo.com about “Worst SNL performance ever?!” (Did they forget the existence of Ashley Simpson?). Suffice to say, coming from what I knew , I felt like Lana Del Ray was getting an extremely bad rap.
Now, I can only base this on my brief experience with her, but there is no doubt in my mind that that girl is talented. I’ve worked with all sorts of people over the years and she was one who stepped into the studio with a game plan and the ability to knock it all out in one take. All I can guess is that she’s got terrible stage fright or something. Cause I know, for a fact , she can sing. Not to mention, I realize her inflated lips are strange. They certainly weren’t around when we met. In fact, she was way hotter without them. But, in a way, I gotta think it was all part of her plan. “Lana Del Ray” was a character and those lips were part of that plan. The thing is, I’ve read a ton of shit about people saying this character was manufactured but that’s bullshit. Sure, it’s not her real name but the idea behind that person was in Lizzy before I even met her. Hell, just how she was dressed coming into the studio was enough for me to know that. She looked like a pinup model straight out of the trailer park. She always seemed to have to idea of this throwback Nancy Sinatra meets “Madmen” meets current white trash thing as her entire theme. She was obsessed with images of swimming pools, drinking tab soda and just a certian low brow elegance that wasn’t common in music. Even on the song we did (That I’ll be getting to briefly), her lyrics were trying to paint a picture of something very similar to where she eventually went with her new music. So, to be clear, all the detractors saying she’s some made up by the machine pop star are full of shit. While it’s impossible to keep the businesses hands out the pop when creating a pop star, the roots of where this all comes from are firmly inside of Lizzy Grant.
When I first got word that we were gonna do music together, I did some research. She had tons of youtube videos (which have since been taken down). The videos were made up of old stock footage cut up with shots of her singing…that was her thing. It created a very specific mood of nostalgia. Lo and behold, when the official video for “blue Jeans” dropped, it was the same thing
My point in this being, she had a vision of how she wanted to present herself and her music far before the foreign press was licking her ass or before anyone put her on SNL.
Anyway, I write this not as a “Leave Lana Alone!” manifesto. Nor as any sort of “Lana Del ray EXPOSED!” cause, honestly, I’ve got nothing but good things to say about her. I feel the anger towards her is unjust (especially in a era of super stars like Rihanna who can barely sing in tune without a studio to fix it) I figured now, more than ever would be a great time give you guys further insight into the music we made.
In my initial post, I wrote that Lizzy had picked beats and wrote a bunch of songs to them. She then came to a studio , where she, two engineers/studio musicians, and me planned to make those songs. If you read the earlier post, you know how they turned out in my eyes. But, hey, I’m one man and maybe too involved in it…So , I figured maybe I’d let you judge for yourself…
Here’s the original beat that she choose to write to:
Now, to be honest, I always though this beat was pretty mediocre. But, it had a certain ruggedness to it that I thought could work well with some singing on it (if not rapping). She picked it, and wrote something cool to it, so we went with it.
Here’s the song that came out of that:
This is a rough mix but you get the idea. A little different, huh?
Here’s where I get a little bitter. The idea of bringing me in to work with her was to hear her sound in a different light. At the time, she was signed to a small indie label and still trying to find her sound. I can 100% accept that I was not the right sound for her. But it definitely bummed me out that we went into work on some shit that could have been interesting and it came out to a very typical , almost “bar band” kinda vibe. All that was left of my beat was a fading horn, a little of the guitars and a simple bass line. The rest was replaced with corny drums sounds, lame rhodes progressions and some guitars riffs. I realize this sounds like I’m shitting all over the other two dudes who did all the instrument work but I’m not. They did they’re job. They made it a more pop friendly song. Those dudes are far more talented musicians than I’ll ever be, we just have a different take on music, that’s all. I think I was just under the assumption that’s what we weren’t there to do. I figured Lizzy and I were bought in together to try and see what happens when a girl like her sings over beats like mine. But, to really the fault of no one involved, it just didn’t happen.
It’s funny to hear where Lizzy went with her style cause it was so far from both my sound and the sound of that song we made. She choose wisely. I don’t know what the future holds for her and really hope the SNL debacle doesn’t bury her. I’d imagine she’s got a full length album dropping soon and I’m definitely curious to hear it. I think both “Blue Jeans” and “Video Games” are really good songs so it gives me hope that she’s committed to moving forward in that direction and we won’t be hearing her do any dance songs full of bad synths and triton drums anytime soon. I suppose we’ll see. regardless, I wish her good luck and think motherfuckers need to let her breath a little.
This week, Tim and I discuss Ron Paul, Kate Beckinsale and Kim Kardashian…cause it wouldn’t be a week in news if that dumb whore didn’t get some shine.
Sup sup yo! It’s a new week, which means another installment of Answers for questions. As always, if you ahve any questions for me, leave them in the comments below or email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Also, I still need “ask Dr. Tony” questions so, if you’re a person who needs advice about your shitty love life, holler at the kid.
Okay, let’s go…
Was your cross country road trip just a big thing with friends? What states did you pass through? any memories or thoughts about the trip?
Before I ever toured the US, I drove cross country with a bunch of friends. It wasn’t totally a vacation as the whole point of the trip was to film my friends senior project for college along the way. It was a student film and I had a supporting roll as “wise cracking asshole”. We took the southern route en route to L.A., so we passed through pennsylvania, west virginia, Tennessee, Arkanasas, Texas, New mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California.
As far as memories go, I’m foggy on them cause it was pretty long ago but I can rattle off a few:
1)The Ozarks scared the shit out of me.
Cause we were filming, we had two cars full of people. All new yorkers. A few jews, a black guy and a raver-ish girl. All around 21 years old, in baggy jeans and hats. We stopped at a gas station/KFC in the Ozarks for a late night snack and it was like being in a place where time had stopped. We walked into the KFC to see a sea of dead eyed hill people. Little kids wearing confederate flag hats. Everyone was about 90 pounds overweight and they all stared at us like were were from another planet. I dunno if it was just a case of us hitting the evolutionary arrested development jackpot or if that’s just how it is out there but it was scarier than any housing project I’ve ever walked through at night by a billion.
I got to gamble for the first time. Or, rather, I got to lose whatever little money I had back then. One of the guys I was with was a big gambler and would pop shit with the dealers. The phrase “You know you’re raping me, right?” was quite common. Little fun facT: Dealers are not know for their senses of humor. ANyway, We spent two days there and by the middle of the first day, I was broke. So, you can imagine the fun of watching other people gamble. It’s right up there with watching people eat or someone describing a movie to you in great detail. Because of this, I ended up back in the hotel room more often than not. Every few hours, my gambling addict friend would come in a express that he had just lost 3 thousand dollars, only to come back a few hours later to say he made it all back. Over the two days, I gotta think he was, at worst, down 8 thousand and , at best, up 2 thousand. Back then, that kinda money could have lasted me all year so I was just kinda speechless about the whole thing.
3)driving scared part 1: Freon in your mouth
As a non-driver, my job was easy. Sit in the back seat and do nothing. The problem was that, on the way back from L.A. to NYC, we were on an extremely tight schedule. This meant insanely long drives with incredibly tired people driving. Once we hit nashville, on the way back, the plan was to drive straight from there to NYC. That’s a loooooonnnng fucking drive. This was in the dead of winter. One of the cars was a van holding all the film equipment. The other was an old ass station wagon. Somewhere in Texas, the old ass station wagon’s heating/defrosting system stopped working. Instead of gently blowing warm air into the ice cold car, it was blowing pure freon wind into our mouths. So, basically, we couldn’t use it. This was a problem cause the car needed to be defrosted constantly. What this meant was that we had to drive the final 2000 miles, in the dead of winter, with all the windows down and the freon pumping defrosting system as full blast. It was hell. I can kinda relate what being in that movie “Alive” was like , minus the cannibalism.
4)Driving Scared pt. 2: Sleep driving.
The last 15 hours home were tense. Everyone was exhausted. We hadn’t slept for like 20 hours and it was gonna be another 15 before we did. I was in the Van , riding shot gun. There had been talk about tires blowing out in situations like this that truly scared the shit out of me. But, even scarier, was that the driver of the van was drifting in and out of sleep while driving. For the final 15 hours of the drive, I sat next to him , waking him up every time his eyes would get heavy. I literally watched him the entire time like a lunatic, making sure he didn’t pass out and drive us off the road. Granted, i was probably looney from sleep depravation myself but I’m glad I did it cause, you know, I’m still alive now.
That’s about all I really remember outside of a few funny inside joke type things that happened amongst the group of friends I traveled with. I will say this, we’re all still friends now so that’s pretty impressive in itself.
You’re locked in an empty room with nothing but a CD player. Would you rather have to listen to the newest Lady Gaga album, the newest Lil Wayne album, AND Bieber’s latest album back-to-back-to-back, or Music by Cavelight four times cover to cover? (You can’t leave the room until one of these things happens)
I’d definitely rather listen to “Music by Cavelight” 4 times. I mean, it would be boring for me but it wouldn’t be painful. While I’d be curious to be forced to listen to the lil Wayne album, there’s simply no way I could get through the Bieber or GaGa albums.
what way do you get most paid: itunes? Cd/vinyl? Soundcloud/bandcamp? Amazon?
I get paid the most when people buy music from me at my shows. That’s 100% profit for me. As far as the other things, I dunno. I’d imagine the one that makes me the least money would be buying it used on Amazon. Itunes gets me some money. I don’t have a soundcloud or bandcamp profile so that’s out. So, yeah, buy from me personally or Itunes. Help me buy that yacht I’ve been eyeing.
Ever dabbled in porn on a phone?
Like porno chat lines? God no. Those things are so expensive and why would I ever do that as long as real porn exists?
However, there was this amazing chat line back in the day in NYC where you would call and try and meet girls. The thing is, it was predominately used by Domincan thugs from washington heights. This made for some amazing comedy cause you’d enter these rooms full of people talking. there’d usually be like 7 dudes screaming over one another at the one or 2 girls that might be in that chat room. My friends and I would go into these rooms as different characters and just see how mad we could make these dudes. Lemme just say they did not react kindly to gay guys or guys who’s only purpose was to disrespect certain blocks/projects. For instance ,I’d go in there and be like “Anyone from Dykeman projects in here?” (which would undoubtedly be received with a few positive responses, in which I’d answer to them “Fuck Dykeman!” and all hell would break loose. There wasn’t much sex talk but a few of my thuggier friends actually did meet girls on there so I suppose that’s something.
It’s the last concert you’ll ever go to and there are 3 openings. Who and in what order would you want to see them play?
This is a tough one cause, as I’ve said before, I’m not a huge live music guy. I’m way too impatient and fidgety to stand in one place for that long. So, my dream show would be a short one.
Looking back on all the shows I’ve been to, very few have really hit a chord with me as a fan. One that I loved was comedy crooner, Richard Cheese. he would be my opening act.
The middle act would probably be my homeboy Baby Dayliner. I’ve seen him play a billion times but it’s always a party. Drunk people dancing, good friends everywhere. It’s good times.
The closing act would be Boogie Down Productions. Now, I’ve reached the point where I can barely even listen to KRS ONE’s greatest hits, as he has become a truly annoying figure in music.. However, the first show I ever went to was BDP live at SOB’s (which they’d later use as part of the BDP Live album) I was about 16 and it was a mind blowing experience. Probably the only time I’ve ever felt that way at a show since cause KRS could really perform and the whole experience was completely new to me.. I’d want that exact show again. Just as long as he didn’t do any of his newer shit, it’d be fine.
My Homie By ScHoolboyQ
I don’t really know much about ScHoolboyQ. I just heard him for the first time this week and I’m kinda on the fence. His album “Habits and contradictions” is getting lots of love on these interwebz so I figured I’d peep it and see what all the noise is about. It’s definitely got some great joints on it but I dunno if I’m sold 100%. I say this cause, at times, he’s kinda typical as a rapper. However, other times i feel like he really hits on something interesting (which is really a lot of what I look for in rappers today, just for them to be interesting) I feel his saving grace is that he’s kind of a weirdo. To me, nothing can beat when a thugged out dude is slightly strange cause it’s like the best of both world. No nerdy pretentiousness but it’s also not all just rhyming “gun” with “run” and “Niggaz” with “triggaz”.
This song in particular is a look at what happens when friends sell you out. To you or I, this could mean some bullshit over a girl or talking shit behind your back. To SchoolboyQ, it means ratting to the cops. While this may seem like territory that has been thoroughly covered in rap songs, there’s something refreshing about how Schoolboy puts it. It’s relatable without being overly dramatic or emo.
I’m curious what you guys think about this guy. Well???
Time for everyones favorite game of sex , murder and matrimony once again.
This one includes Cartoon women, TV mom’s and inanimate objects.
Well played, people.
Send me more ideas for who I should fuck, marry or kill to: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Just a heads up, I will ignore them if they include any of the following people: Lady Gaga, Madonna, courtney love, nicki minaj, any female rappers, Katy perry, ect). All these women have been done to death (both literally and figuratively) so lets try and get a little creative, okay?
Also, I’ve added a new thing. “style of death” is how I would go about killing that person. Why not, right?
Now, on with the show.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Jem, Cheetara, Smurfette
Is that wrong? I mean, I just googled pictures of her to refresh my memory as to what she looked like and , to be honest, she’s about as much of a cat as I am a monkey. So I’m gonna skip over those guilty feelings of beasteality. She basically looks like some williamsburg girl who does tons of pilates at a halloween party. Her body is insane and she’s straight up hot. The only reason I wouldn’t marry her is on the off chance that she is part cat cause I’m allergic to cats and , also, fuck cats.
Man, I never realized how much these cartoons influenced todays style. She looks like an annoying band girl but, like Cheetara, she’s a piece of ass. I’d really only marry her in the situation cause that’s kinda where she lands in this formula. I would just hope that she’s not a super annoying band girl who would want me to watch her “jam” with her shitty friends all the time and make me go to her gigs at Arlene’s grocery at 1 am on tuesday nights. If she can not be like that, I think we could have a fine life together.
Here’s the problem with smurfette. I’m not about to marry someone I could lose in a closet and , if I were to fuck her, I’d kill her anyway. I mean, maybe a little duct tape might prolong her life but she’s the size of two apples…it’s just not gonna work. So, instead of making her go out that way, I’d just let her down easy.
Style of death:
Maybe I’d throw her off a tall building or something. At least her final moments would be exciting.
Fuck/Marry/Kill:Salt, pepa, spinderella
Ten years ago, i wouldn’t have put her here but I saw that reality show with her on it and she was annoying as fuck. She’s super religious and uptight about everything. Not my steeze at all. In her younger years, she was always the one I wanted to bone the most but , of course, she found god and got boring so, really, there’s no use for her in this situation. (but i will admit, she’s still the cutest so I feel like i deserve points for not going the easy route)
Style of death: I’d drop a bible on her head from 25 stories up.
I always thought she had the prettiest face of the group. Granted , she’s a bit large and could probably be a power forward in the WNBA , but still, she seemed mellow and in control. Those are two qualities I hold highly in women. Plus, she could tour with me as my DJ. It makes so much sense.
I’d be a little scared to fuck her at first. I mean, she could no doubt kick my ass. She’s big and strong…but she’s in good shape. Admittedly, I didn’t pick the best pic for her but I’m too lazy to find one where she doesn’t look like a tranny…but I trust, in real life , she doesn’t. Also, judging from her reality show, it’s been a while. She’d be very appreciative. Granted, I wouldn’t be swinging chains around and holding a machete to her neck during sex like I’m sure Treach was , but hey, variety is the spice of life.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Miho Hitori, Bjork, Yolandi from Die Antword
Shocking, I know…But I only put her here cause she’s gotten old and is not the same Bjork she once was. She was once adorable but I’ve never really though of her as a sexual being (so that cancels out sex) and she’s just a bit too weird for me to marry. So, as talented as she is, she’s gotta go. Sorry Bjork.
Style of death: I’d make her eat icelandic fermented shark meat until her heart stopped (it would be a quick death, as that shit is disgusting).
Marry: Miho Hitori
I honestly don’t know much about her or her music. But I googled her and she seems like the most normal of the bunch. She’s not crazy hot but she’s cute enough…So, by default, I suppose I’d marry her. Worst case scenario, she’d be really boring.
Truth be told, I think most guys secretly wanna have sex with this little creature. Stupid haircut aside, she’s strangely sexy. She’s also completely insane which could really pay off for a one time sexual encounter. My only fear would be that she was into some crazy shit I’m not ready for. The last thing you want when boning a girl is for her relentlessly trying to stuff things in your ass which scratching the shit out of you. I could see her being one of those types…but it’s worth the risk.
Fuck/Marry/Kill:Peggy Bundy, Mrs Garret, Claire Huckstable
Kill: Mrs Garret
I mean this is a softball pitch to babe ruth. Come one…You couldn’t even give me the mom from Growing pains? OF COURSE I’m killing Mrs. Garret. He foots halfway out the door of life as it is. She’s a sweet old lady but unless she’s doing laundry or cooking pot roasts, she’s of no use to anyone.
Style of death: I’d just let her die of natural causes. She’s that old.
Fuck: Peg Bundy
I always thought Peg Bundy was kinda hot. I get that you stop wanting to fuck the person you’ve been married to for 30 years but I don’t think Al appreciated what he had. She had big torpedo tits and a nice lean waist. That’s got “Fuck” written all over it. Also, much like Pepa, she’d be appreciative. I can’t tell you how far that can go.
Marry: Clair Huxtable
Aside from having a really great job and being an attractive older lady, she’s just kind of always been a “wife” to me. Not my wife, so much, but a wife. So , I can only envision her like that. Also, she’s gotta have a saucy side to her…after all, she had like 7 kids over the course of 15 years. If Cliff can keep going back to that honey pot, I don’t see why I wouldn’t either. We could put on some Grover Washington Jr , slip out of out body length pajama’s and see where the night takes us.
Fuck, Marry, Kill:Music By Cavelight,Downtown Science,Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book
It’s like you’re asking me to rank my babies…
Fuck: Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book
Fucking is fun. It doesn’t need to be this heady experience where your life is changed afterwards. This album is that. It’s fun and light, with a few intense moments but, overall, it’s a good time. I’d put my dick all up inside this album.
Marry: Music By Cavelight
You know, I already feel like I’m married to this album. It’s like that high school sweetheart that you can’t break up with cause of all the history you share. At this point, we’re an old married couple. I’m bored of her but the bond remains.
More importantly, everyone else seems to be so fond of this album, it would be weird for me to kill her. So, as much as the flame is dwindling I suppose we’re gonna die together…married.
Kill: Downtown Science
I don’t wanna kill this album. I like this album. But , in this situation, it’s gotta go. I feel like it was often misunderstood and people were let down by the fact it wasn’t another “Music By Cavelight”. But that was kinda the point. SO, I’d put this one down gently knowing that it was what I wanted it to be…a little too strange for the passing listener but , in the larger scheme of things, a very nice piece on the overall puzzle.
Style of death: I suppose I’d just melt it down followed by an emotional burial ceremony for the ashes.
Tim and I are back for the 69th time…69ing with your minds, yo!
This week, we discuss Dwarf tossing, the new mrs. america and Lana Del ray (speaking of which, that’s what she USED to look like…goddamn).