Allow me to complain about some first world problems



Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re a spoiled motherfucker. You’ve got internet…on your phone! or a computer! Or access to a place that has the internet. I’m sure there are a few exceptions (shout out to all my readers in the himalayan mountains!) but let’s all do each other a favor and just accept that we, as a people, are lucky. So, when reading this, feel free to leave all the “Quit complaining about first world problems blah blah blah” bullshit alone. Trust me, I know.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about modern conveniences. We’ve come a long way. I remember the days of rotary phones, smoking on planes , cassette tapes and graffiti on the subway. It’s crazy to think those days aren’t even 30 years ago…but here we are, in 2012. Everything is easy. The world is now child proof and one of the best things about it is that things that were once thought to be impossible, are now a swipe of the finger away.

Louis CK does a whole bit about how spoiled we are, in respect to how entitled we feel about all these new advancements in technology.

He’s certainly not wrong but, personally, I feel since we’re here, and the technology exists, let’s quit fucking around and just get everything to where it needs to me. So, here’s my list of things that need to be done , just for the sake of the entitled people on this planet (IE: us). We’ve earned it (by sitting around and waiting for much smarter people figure shit out for us).

1) Free internet everywhere
Have you ever noticed the shittier the hotel the the higher likelihood your internet access is free? OR have you ever noticed how only SOME airports have free internet access? Listen, i realize there’s a lot of money in charing people for the internet but I think we’ve reached the point where the internet should just be treated like water. It should be everywhere and it should be on the fucking house. Most people can use their phones anyway…just give up the goods, bro.
Speaking of airports, how bout we add about a million more power sources while we’re at it? Instead of 4 people hovering around one of those docks while everyone else waits for Brad’s ipod to fully charge, just throw some fucking sockets all over for people to use.


2)Separators between urinals
This isn’t a technological thing. It’s just a pleasant thing I think all men can agree on. Much like open showers , the wide open urinal is just sort of annoying. Sure, it’s not the end of the world but it results in all sorts of shamed hunching or reckless bravado that simply putting that divider up would be the right thing to do.
God forbid you have to piss at one of those shithole bars where they give you a trough filled with ice. It’s pretty much just a low sink. Just throw a piece of wood up between the urinals. It’s really not that hard to do.

3) Waiting
We all hate waiting. I think that’s one inconvenience that no amount of technology with be able to fix. Yesterday I was in a post office line for 35 minutes…just to get stamps. The line was almost out the door and they still managed to have only two windows open. That would be fine if I didn’t see like 9 other people aimlessly roaming around and having casual discussions in the back who could have easily just opened a few more windows of service. When i see that, I gotta think it’s just these people being assholes. Fair play to them though , as the customers in post offices tend to be twice as bad as the people who work there. However, I bring it up cause it’s an example of how we’ve been conditioned to wait, regardless of how huge an inconvenience it is. The post office is one thing but when it transfers into your home, a line has been crossed. Case in point, waiting for a cable guy…or an exterminator…or a plumber. Basically, anyone who’s job it is to come fix some shit that results in them getting paid. Now, I’m not blaming these men individually. I know they work hard and how soon they get there is based on a full day that has happened before you even come into the picture. My beef is with the insane windows of time. Like “Okay, we’re sending a guy over tomorrow. He’ll be there sometime between 8 am and 4 pm. Be sure to be home.”
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT. Two hour windows of time TOPS. Anything else is just cruel. I mean, shit, what if I have a 9-5 job? I can’t be home during the day. I guess my broken toilet will just have to remain broken forever. My point is, there’s a better way. Different hours can be worked. It’s so simple and logical yet it’s never gonna fucking happen.

4)Tv’s on planes
Jet Blue set the standard. You either follow suit or go fuck yourself. I fly all the time so this is near and dear to my heart. I’ve been on 5 hour flights where there isn’t even a communal screen. FIVE FUCKING HOURS OF READING THE SKY MALL MAGAZINE. This is even more unacceptable cause , even as a kid, all long flights at least had a movie. In 2012, devolving is unacceptable. I get cutting costs on food service and charging to check bags. Those are both complete bullshit (like turning off ALL electronic devices when the plane takes off and lands) but it’s a money thing. But entertainment on flights should be second only to “Will the plane crash?”. Having to watch whatever shitty Kathrine Heigl movie is playing on the community screen is bad enough, but nothing? Get the fuck outta here with that wright brothers ass shit.
Much like universal health care, there should be a plan to have tv’s (with access to live television or movies) on the back of every seat on every plane. I realize this probably isn’t cheap but go fuck yourself. Flying sucks. The least you can do is try and help us forget it. I’m looking at you United, continental and Delta. Get your shit together.

5) Internet/instruction language
You ever go to a website where there are instructions for attaining something? Or perhaps you just bought a new piece of expensive electronic goods. Whatever the case, I always feel like the instructions are just unnecessarily difficult. This has a lot to do with the language they use. Instead of just speaking in layman’s terms, they go the technical route , forgetting that 99% of people are layman on some level. There’s a reason the phrase “explain it to me like I’m a child” exists. The fucked up thing is that we live in an extremely computer savvy time. People understand these types of things now better than ever. Yet, it’s still a problem for your average person. I’m not talking about your grandma not being able to turn on the microwave. I’m talking about me, sitting in front of my TV with a new remote control trying to figure out how to get it off “AUX 1″ for 20 minutes. Nothing related to a tv should be that confusing. Simple tasks seem like unlocking the matrix sometimes and it’s pointless. Just write out everything like we’re dumb…cause we are.

6)Construction hours
This is going to be extremely self serving but, hey, it’s my fucking blog so deal with it.
I mentioned in last weeks “song of the day” about my woes concerning the construction going on in my building. Basically, the entire back on the building (which is where my apartment is) is being remade due to leaks and structural damage on the roof. This has resulted in 3 weeks (so far) of loud drilling starting at 8:30 am that goes straight until noon. According to planning, this will be happening well through July.
Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about, I recorded the sounds. This is what i hear NON-STOP for 3.5 hours every morning:
http://www.hulkshare.com/cyb0kzy9hbkh
Contrary to what you may think, that is not the beginning of my new dub step track. It’s just relentless drilling that is so powerful, my bed shakes.
So, here’s the deal…What say, instead of starting your three hour work day at 8:30. Why not start is at noon (or later even!)? What’s the difference? This way, you don’t wake up every single person who doesn’t happen to work a normal 9-5 job, yet, you still get your work done in time to make it to happy hour. I sometimes imagine if I were a bartender or a DJ (oh wait…) and my job involved me getting home at 4/5 am every day. I might have to go on a killing spree by day 3 of being rattled awake at 8:30 AM. The hours just don’t make sense. I’m sure one of you will read this and respond telling me all about why they do construction so early but , honestly, I don’t care. Unless you’re working 8 hour days full of construction (which , as far as i can see, no one is), then just adjust the hours so people with all sorts of lifestyles can live those lives.

There you go. those aren’t such unreasonable ideas. If I were a politician, I’d have a special task force to handle all sorts of first world problems. It would be a subtle change but, man, our already extravagant lifestyle would be even better. Cheers to being rich assholes who want more!

18 thoughts on “Allow me to complain about some first world problems

  1. As someone with stage fright, I concur on the urinal thing. I also hate when a urinal is right next to the sink, especially when there’s no divider. That’s just disgusting.

      • I would say 75% of them do. They arent on display you have to ask for them. They sell them individually. They are like loosies for stamps. Ask the guy at yours I guarantee 2 out of 3 will have them.

  2. ima put the walgreens and bodega stamp guys to shame right here – ATM’s bro.
    not the shitty corner store ATMs, but if you go to a legit bank’s ATM (which are everywhere), they normally sell stamps.

      • They definitely do, but not all of them. I think the ATMs attached to bank branches are the best bets. I also think they charge extra for them. It’s been at least six years since I bought stamps from an ATM though, so things might have changed.

      • I’m glad the entirety of my rant has become a discussion on the availability of stamps. At least I feel like I’ve learned something new.

      • Who the fuck uses stamps anymore anyway? The only time I mail something is if I get a ticket… wait no, they have online payments now too… The last book of stamps I bought has lasted me well over a year and a half.

  3. What really makes me mad is places like where I work, that have a urinal separator, but the top is just low enough that someone could see your junk if they were trying to, and it doesn’t go all the way down to the floor, so you can get someone’s splash back on your shoes. How much fucking money are they saving by not adding 2 more feet? Public restrooms are disgusting.

  4. The urinal seperators is so true and hilarious! Nothing pisses me off more than going to a new establishment and they have no urinal seperators. Seriously you couldn’t afford urinal seperators but theres a flat screen tv on every wall.

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