How to be an asshole online


internet4assholes
With all the social networks available to us nowadays, people seemingly have everything at their fingertips. Information and communication are at an all time high. Especially within circles of friends or with celebrities. “Keeping tabs” on people is the norm and it would seem Orwell was only partially correct. It’s not so much “Big Brother” watching as much as your actual brother…and his friends…and maybe your aunt…and that girl you went to high school with for 1 year but dropped out cause she got pregnant. What I’m saying is that all eyes are online. When this freedom is added to a sense of anonymity the results can vary from harmless to devastation. But, Mostly, the result in someone being an asshole for no reason.
As someone who is kind of an asshole online, I understand. While I’d argue that my brand of asshole is mostly in jest and hyperbole, I’d be an actual asshole to not at least see how I could be seen that way. The internet is the best time waster known to man and, eventually, when you’re bored enough, you’re gonna start shit with people no reason. Anyone who’s ever lived with another person can attest to this. One day, you’re just feeling like picking a fight, so you do. It’s in our nature. But doing it online? It’s art. I will admit that prior to having Twitter and Facebook page, I was only somewhat aware of these practices. I knew what “trolling” was but outside of message boards, I hadn’t seen it close up in that manner. After all, friends playfully troll each other online but real , harsh , saying things to strangers only to get a reaction type trolling? I thought that was mostly for comment sections on youtube and blog posts.

So, I’ve made a list of things you can do if you want to achieve grandmaster asshole status online. I’d also like to add, don’t do these things. If you read this list and think “Huh, I do most of these!” guess what? You’re an asshole. Not a partial fun time asshole, but an actual, true in the flesh jerk off. Good job, asshole!
Here are 10 ways to be an asshole online:

1)Defend things you don’t even care about just for the sake of the argument (be a contrarian)

It’s fucked up but it would appear “caring” about things has become a weakness. I blame these types of people.
The amount of things I’ve gotten into arguments with people online is astounding (and shameful on my part). But more astounding? The topics in which these arguments were based. Things like Razor scooters , men wearing sandals , Justin Beiber (These were adults arguing with me), and ATM fees. I’ve learned that there is no topic on earth that SOMEONE won’t find a way to turn into an argument. Everyone has issues with things and , 9 out of 10 times, they’re petty. So, as much as I might be to blame for making jokes about stuff, you can’t possibly be THAT mad about any topics as banal as these. Because of this, I feel as though people are just online waiting to disagree with other people. Is it to waste time or is it to feel some almost human contact? I don’t know. But I do now contrarians are self obsessed and petty people willing to angrily argue over what yogurt is the best if it means someone else will listen to them.

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2)One-upmanship
This is where someone makes a joke and then other people add on to that joke. Maybe 5% of the time you’ll get a funny retort. This is because, in general, most people aren’t that funny. So, the result is a thread of people trying way to hard to get in on the action. While this really isn’t that big a deal at all, there are certain people who seem to exist to be that “I can do it better!” guy. And there is a difference between that guy and an actual funny person who comments on things. While this is one of the least offensive online asshole traits, it will certainly wear you down over time. Sometimes, silence is golden.

3)Answer rhetorical questions
Without question, people will always answer rhetorical questions. This is mostly on twitter and facebook. Say you say something like “Is it so hard to pick up after your dog?” and people respond like “Sometimes it is…I had a dog that Blah blah blah” SHUT THE FUCK UP! No one REALLY asked you. Just cause you see a question mark at the end of the sentence doesn’t mean it’s your cue to chime in. Even if you’re answering that question “No! It’s not hard!”. It’s not necessary. Give your fingers a rest sometimes and just let a statement be a statement, no matter how mundane it may be.

4)NEVER get jokes and argue about them
This is one I’m way too familiar with as my entire twitter existence is jokes and promotion. When it’s time for a joke said with any irony or sarcasm, I prepare for the inevitable backlash of people who didn’t get it. No matter how obvious it is that what I just wrote was in jest. You know what kills a joke? Having to tell the person it’s a joke.

5)Keep extensive tabs on people

This is more focused towards people you actually know. Weirdo insecure people who use things like Facebook and Instagram as a means to keep tabs on their friends. For instance, you go out casually with a friend and a picture gets taken. The next day someone is like “You were at so and so last night? Thanks for calling, asshole…”. Or worse yet, people checking in to see who your hanging out with to make sure you’re not hanging with people they like/dislike. This is the real big brother at work. No one is more likely to lord over friends than an insecure person who happens to miss the party one night.

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6)Comment of something you haven’t read based on the title, overlooking the content completely

I promote this blog on my facebook and twitter and , often, will do rants about things (like the one you are currently reading). While I don’t expect people to actually sit down and read all the bullshit I write (I know I’d skim this shit like a motherfucker if I didn’t write it) I do think that, if you’re gonna comment on something, you should probably be informed on what you’re arguing about. As opposed to reading the title of the piece and just going off that. Therefor, if I write a column called “Dark Chocolate: What shit tastes like” but the first sentence reads “I’m fully aware that many of you will probably not agree with this, and that’s okay” yet you respond by furiously disagreeing with me, you’re being an asshole. Not cause you disagree with me but cause you’re a reactionary dipshit.

7)Get offended by everything
The internet: Where false outrage reigns supreme.
This goes hand in hand with the contrarians. People seem to have a distinct need to be offended. It can be over anything but typically if has to do with someone misunderstanding context. This may be a bad example but take what happened with basketball player Roy Hibbert recently. He dropped a “No homo” during a press conference.

Of course, people lost their shit and he was fined. I get it. But the thing is, he was obviously kidding. It wasn’t said with vitriol towards gay people. It was a joke. You can even see in his face afterwards that he kinda regretted it but also meant no real harm by it. Should he have said it at a press conference? Probably not. In fact, if he had just said “Pause” instead, no one woulda said anything. But, still, the context in which he used that “no homo” joke was not a hateful one. Plenty of people do use that in a hateful “scared/disgusted of being gay” kinda way. But Hibbert? It was harmless. I’ve said this before in this blog but I feel like people like act offended way more than they actually are. Cause, if they actually did get as offended by the things they claim offend them, I honestly don’t know how they got through life without jumping off a bridge every time someone says anything remotely off color.

8)Talk for the sake of hearing your own voice (but with typed words)

People have a need to be heard. Chuck D was famous for saying “I don’t rhyme for the sake of riddle’n”. Internet comment sections are the opposite of that statement. Everyone wants a platform to be heard but , the issue with that is, most people don’t care to listen. This can be frustrating when you actually have something to say but, the majority of the time, people don’t. Yet, somehow, this leads to multi-page long responses to innocuous questions that didn’t ask a question in the first place. One thing is for sure, I’d hate to live with this kind of online asshole cause , undoubtedly, they would be the type to corner you and talk about shit like “the rigors of clam digging” for 45 minutes while you just nod and wait for them to stop speaking.

9)Make snarky jokes that don’t translate when read by a person who can’t tell the tone of them
I’m certainly guilty of this one. I think pulling off jokes online comes down to tone. Choose your words wisely. There is a thin line between a chuckle and coming off like an unbelievable asshole. The really are no definitive ways to fix this problem other than people understanding humor and human interaction better. Good luck with all that shit, internet.

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10)Let the boredom win

When you boil it all down, Boredom is the culprit. We do things out of boredom. Add some insecurity and entitlement and, Voila! you have the internet! If you’re bored and perusing the web, just know that everyone doesn’t have to be aware of your presence. Life will go on perfectly fine if you don’t comment on something. Nothing wrong with being supportive or seeking out cool new things to capture your interest. That’s the positive side of being online in 2013. The world is at your fingertips. Literally. All I ask is that you don’t take too much advantage of that bounty. Back in the days, I had to go to the library just to plagiarize the encyclopedia for high school research papers. Nowadays, you could spend months in a wormhole just googling the word “Plagiarize”. Accept these gifts but show a little restraint. That, or get famous enough where you opinions actually hold a little weight. Then people might actually care enough to listen. In fact, I gotta work on that part myself.

32 thoughts on “How to be an asshole online

  1. Something I like to always keep in mind, in real life and when on the internet: No matter where you go you’re encountering someones asshole, and that’s not including your own.

    That has served me pretty well for understanding why most things happen.

      • Edit:
        I thought you fared pretty well in regard to your grammatical prowess with this piece. Other than the title, of course. That was epic grammatical failure at it’s worst. Perhaps that was the intent? To bring trolling ass-holes into this discussion? If so, count me in, motherfucker! #darkchocolate4life

      • When I said “title”, I meant the sentence “Here ‘is’ 10 ways to be an asshole online:”

        Not that you or anyone that reads your blogs need any clarification on this matter (most of us are fairly smart individuals) but what I’ve made an attempt at doing is encompassing all 10+1 different breeds of ass-hole in my replies to this thread. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read my ramblings. I believe I have succeeded in identifying my self as a complete ass-hole, (in all 11 aspects) (did I miss any?) and you can all go make love to yourselves.

  2. Sweet blahg brah,you missed a couple though…Also it should be “Here ARE 10 ways to be asshole online:”

    signed,
    NYCSUX

  3. HOW DARE YOU ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE ON THE INTERNET?!?! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO…..nah, haha good shit, quite well stated.

  4. i like this one a lot :) I think there should be one added specifically for the girl assholes who follow people they purposely don’t like just so they can rip apart every picture they post just b/c their pretty.

  5. You know the word perusing means “reading carefully and thoroughly” Do you know how long it would take to peruse the internet? Get a brain, moran.

  6. When I saw the blog title, I was fully expecting to be called out by name at some point during this online rant. I guess “Repeatedly Send Rap Producer Stupid Questions” doesn’t make someone a giant asshole? (No Homo)

  7. Well, maybe you yanks simply have a less refined sense of humour over there across the pond, but seriously, don’t you find this post to be a bit racist?

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