Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 47

Well, it’s that time again. “Fuck/marry/kill” is back. Get excited…or get mad. depending who you are, I suppose. This is that game. I must choose one of the three options to fuck, marry or kill. So simple. So stupid. So right.
As always, I must put this disclaimer here: THIS IS NOT SERIOUS. There are plenty of things to take stands against in this world that matter and this is not one of them. The only reason I don’t do men in this is cause I want to not fuck them all equally. So, please, save the vitriol for something more worthy.
Anyway, if you have some interesting f/m/k options, put them in the comment section. I always need more.
Okay, let’s bust this out…

F/M/K:avant garde musicians- joanna newsom, bjork, m.i.a.

Marry:Joanna Newsom
Of the three options, she’s the one I know the least about and I think it’s working in her favor. All I know is that she’s tiny, cute and plays a harp. You know who else is tiny, cute and plays harps? Angels, bro. But, beyond all that, she’s probably pretty chill and, for real, it would help my sleep patterns greatly if someone would gently play me to sleep with a harp a couple times a week. Would that even be on the table? Perhaps that’s asking too much of my little wife but, hey, I can dream, right?

I’m not a huge M.I.A. fan. Like, in general, I’ve never loved her music. I’ve always felt like I’m a year or two too old for whatever she’s doing. That said, the girl is definitely pretty and the right amount of crazy that could translate into good/almost scary sex. Like, I imagine she might have sex while holding a machete or something. At the very least, she’s making finger guns during sex and going “bo! bo! bo!” when she climaxes. While that would be odd, it would make for a good story at the very least.

Kill: Bjork
Easily my favorite artist of the three and just an incredibly talented women in general. Unfortunately, this isn’t “Iceland’s got talent”. This is the hard nosed, take no prisoners world of “fuck/marry/kill” and , sometimes, it just isn’t fair.
Now, Bjork was adorable. Super adorable. But she has three things going against her:
1)She’s the type of crazy that doesn’t excite me. She once kicked a paparazzi so hard in the balls, his testicle burst. Like, turned to liquid. She literally busted his nut. That kind of rage is fucking terrifying to me.
2)She’s not exactly “sexy”. By this I mean , she’s very cute but it’s not the kinda cute that makes me want to be romantic with her. It’s the kinda cute I wanna throw a teddy bear at.
3) she’s older than the other two by a decent amount and , as unfair as it is for an old piece of shit like me to be like this, I’m a bit of an agist. Sorry…I can’t help it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Sandwiches, Pizza, Burritos?

Fuck: Pizza
This is a real Sophie’s choice moment right here. I would fuck or marry any of these wonderful foods. They are pretty much the best three basic foods known to man. But, I’m not here for the easy choices.
I would fuck pizza cause pizza is the sexiest. Now, perhaps if I grew up in idaho and was only used to domino’s, I might have killed pizza (that will come in to play with burritos) but being from NYC, pizza is everything and it’s everywhere. It’s never bad. The only thing stopping it from getting a ring on it’s greasy finger is it lacks versatility. But, goddamn, I would wrap a slice around myself and make love to pizza like the world stopped.

Kill: Burritos
Now, had I grown up in L.A., San Diego or San Francisco, this would be a different story. I’ve had those burritos and they are amazing. Unfortunately, the one food NYC never really got the hang of (until VERY recently) has been burritos. When chipotle is a truly decent option, you’re kinda screwed.
Beyond that, Burritos, as I enjoy them, are the most basic. Meat, beans, rice, cheese, guac , pico and sour cream. That’s it. EVERY TIME. It’s always good but, still, that lack of variety kinda kills it. Unlike Pizza and sandwiches, I can’t just eat a burrito whenever. Those things are huge and quite an undertaking. I gotta plan ahead to really eat one. So, for those reason, I’m forced to kill that burrito. Sorry, holmes.

Marry: Sandwiches
I choose to spend the rest of my life with sandwiches cause I will never get bored. They variety is endless. From Tuna melt, to italian sub to panini to some basic little ham and cheese type bullshit to bacon egg and cheese…sandwiches are everything at all times.
I will never get bored of sandwiches and, best of all, you could put ANYTHING in a sandwich. I could literally put a pizza and burrito between two pieces of bread and it would be a sandwich. That alone just takes them to another level. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

f/m/k comedy night: Judy Tenuta, Paula Poundstone, Rosie O’Donnell

Marry: Rosie O’ Donnell
Much like wesley snipes saying “Always bet on black” in Passenger 57, when it comes to Fuck/marry/kill with some less than appealing options, “Always bet on lesbian”. The idea of marrying a lesbian , to me, is ideal. We’d basically be roommates. Rosie seems cool enough. I guess. Actually, she might be annoying as fuck but , whatever…I could just go to my room and keep living my life the way I want to. That’s the beauty of marrying someone who has no interest in you. I’ll take that over walks in the park or forced family outings with in laws any day.

Kill: Paula Poundstone
When i was a kid, she was the butt of many many jokes that involved unfunny people and women in awkward blouses. She was the quintessential 80’s female comedian. Devoid of any qualities I could possibly find attractive. Since then, I’ve come around on her, in a way. While I don’t think she’s even remotely funny,I do think she’s somewhat misunderstood and a good person. That said, I’m not marrying her and I’m not putting me penis inside of her (pretty sure she’s on board with both of those realities) so, the only option left is the sweet release of death.

Fuck: Judy Tenuta
She’s crass and obnoxious. She’s kinda gross in general. But, the trickle down logic of fuck/marry/kill kinda lands her in this place. Say what you will about her but maybe there is something underneath that gruff accordion playing exterior that, perhaps, might be sexually dynamic. Now, I have a feeling she might not be into my gender in that way but, of the three, she’s the only one who I think MIGHT possibly like men so…I guess she’s here by default.

F/M/K: short-shorts / sundresses / miniskirts

Fuck:Short Shorts
This feels like I should have done these choices in the summer…it would make more sense. Oh well.
Short shorts…they are great. They balance between fashionable, revealing and “Look at dat azz!” so perfectly that it’s hard to deny them. They are “good sex” in the form of pants. Even those stupid high waisted ones all you girls love wearing look good. You really can’t go wrong. The only thing holding them back from a wedding ring is that they’re pretty much all about the fun. They lack the class one might seek out in a wife. I dunno. I’m full of shit. I’d marry them too.

I don’t know what it is about sundresses…but they flick a switch in my brain and have been doing so since I was a teen. I think the fact they leave something to your imagination is what puts them over. The other two options are in your face…and that’s great. But seeing a pretty girl walking around in a sundress. It’s what makes playboy better than Hustler. Sure, I like to see it all but letting your mind do the work can be fun too. There’s an innocence to sundresses but it’s also subtly flashing some skin. They just work for me and i think they have longterm value.

Kill: Miniskirts
Listen, seeing a hot girls in some slutty miniskirt is great but, i dunno…they don’t seem real to me. It’s just too much, in my face. Also, they can be the least flattering of the three options by far Let’s be real, do people even still wear miniskirts? That’s some 80’s shit.
Miniskirts are some shit for the club. And clubs are for fucking losers. It’s really that simple.
Like, if i had a daughter and she wore miniskirts a lot? I’d feel like I fucked up somewhere along the way. At least put on some short shorts like classy prostitute! You’re grounded!
It should also be noted that the type of girls who wear miniskirts have never even remotely liked me so I may just be bitter about that.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 46

Hello and welcome to another edition of the equally hated and loved “Fuck, Marry, Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. The same game drunk frat guys play. As always, i’d like to preface this , for the more sensitive people out there, that this is all jokes. I’m would never actually kill or marry any of these people/things and this is not meant to be taken seriously in any way. Okay? Good.
If you’ve got some crazy f/m/k options , leave them in the comment section below. Get strange and inventive.

F/M/K: Scientology,Mormonism,Confucianism

Marry: Confucianism
Pretty easy choice for a few reasons.
1)I know very little about it
2)From what I do know, seems harmless enough
I’m not a religious man in any way but the eastern religions seems to be the most chill by far. All I really know about Confucianism is that they must be all about little pearls of wisdom. Wasn’t Ghost dog down with that? Or was that the art of war? Who fucking knows? Regardless, I can abide by that. It just seems the least judgey of all the options. It’s more just a bunch of little suggestions. If that’s one thing i want out of my religion, it’s suggestions over “Rules!”.

Fuck: Scientology
This was tough cause, to me, both Scientology and mormonism are equally insane. They’re both obviously made up (like all religion but with the added eye roll factor of being somewhat new, compared to the other religions). I think I would fuck scientology cause , while it seems to basically a ponzi scheme there are a handful of famous people I admire who are into it. I’m not saying that makes it okay but, hey, I could be scientologist for a day and maybe kick in with Beck and Isaac hayes. That’s worth a fuck, at least.

Kill: Mormon
The downside of this choice is that Mormons are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Like, holy shit..they make canadians look like Donald Trump. So, on that level, I would feel bad. That said, their religion is so full of shit and without any hedonistic merit (which is what I’m basing all this on) that I’d have no choice. It’s like scientology without the fun parts. Equally creepy, the further you dig into it but the puritan judgmental aspects of Mormonism would be too much for me. I like premarital sex. I like drinking. I like cursing. Scientology doesn’t give a shit about all that. So, because of those things, Mormons gotta go.

F/M/K The Hey don’t worry, they’re legal, edition”:Shailene Woodley, Jennifer Lawrence, Chloe Grace-Moretz

Marry: Jennifer Lawrence
I mean, I would legit marry her in real life and I don’t really even believe in marriage. J-law is super hot, seems cool (for an actress) and likes to have fun. She’s also a good amount older than these other two so I wouldn’t even feel weird about being with her. I didn’t watch her grow up from a child actor. She was young in “winter’s bone” but, even in that, I was like “Hmm..that girl is kinda hot”. Which is saying a lot cause she was dressed like an 1990’s british rapper that entire movie (tons of carhardt and boots).
I actually appreciate this person even putting J-Law as an option cause it’s the only one I feel 100% okay with.

Fuck: Shailene Woodley
I think I pick her cause I honestly don’t really know who she is. I know she’s been in a bunch of movies that I’ll never see. She seems kinda cute, I guess, in a tom boyish way. But, more than anything, the lack of background knowledge makes me feel less gross about the concept of having sex with her. From the looks of her, she’s not a super sexually charged young woman. She’s not on some Kylie Jenner shit where that’s all she has going for her. Which, in life, is great. In this game? Less so. But still, I guess she’d get to have sex with a disgusting old man AKA me.

Kill:Chloe Grace-Moretz
This choice is entirely made cause I cannot see her as anything but a child. The fucked up part is that she’s one of those young actresses that , when I first saw her, I had that creepy “Hmm…she’s gonna be hot when she’s older” moments. Thing is, now she’s older but I still see her as a little kid. I guess that’s a good thing for my brain to feel but still…Again, to bring up Kylie Jenner, she also doesn’t seem to ooze sexuality. She more seems like the brooding type. Not my cup of tea. But, mostly, this has to do with me seeing her in a way. She’s gonna be a little kid in my eyes until she’s in her late 20’s. Sadly, in this game, that’s an age she will not reach. DEAD!

F/M/K:Spotify, Youtube, Soundcloud

Kill: Spotify
Straight up, i don’t use it. I know everyone loves it but I’m more the type of person who makes my own playlists, often using music that isn’t available on Spotify. So, really, it serves me no purpose. I’m sure it’s great and , if you wanna hear some new album, it’s ideal. I just have always found my way around that. I’m an old school guy. I still have an I-pod. It’s full of rare songs but little know artists I’ve ripped off of Soundcloud and youtube. Spotify is great but there is a basic bitch-ness to it’s selection that I can’t really mess with. Also, they way they pay artists (me) is pretty pathetic. So there is that too.

Fuck: Soundcloud
A year ago I woulda definitely killed Soundcloud but things have changed. Sure, it’s a wasteland of dudes who want you to listen to their demo. That’s a nightmare. But it’s also easy to ignore. On the bright side, it is a place where pretty much every new artist I fuck with puts up new music. It’s where you hear it first. That’s ideal to me. i’ve heard so much new shit I would never otherwise have known about via soundcloud, it’s nuts. Also, as an artist, it’s easy and fun to use. It reminds me of the good old days of myspace music but better. I’d put my dick all up in that.

Marry: Youtube
This just isn’t fair cause the other two only play music. Youtube is mostly video content. It’s just such a larger scope. Not only is most music on there (The abundance or rarities on there, compared to spotify, is crazy) but you also get endless video clips. Movies, skits, vine compilations , etc…That’s the kinda of thing you settle down with and stay honest too. As long as you don’t read the comment section, it would be the most glorious marriage a person could have.

F/M/K Nasty Porn edition: Chicks with dicks, Bodybuilder chicks, Pregnant chicks

Marry: Pregnant chick
cute pregnant girls 1
Most brutal choices ever? Possibly.
These are all getting picked by default.
I would marry the preggo girl cause, eventually, she’ll have the baby and be a regular girl again. It’s not forever. But, would I be the kids dad then? I mean, pretty sure I didn’t get her pregnant. That’s a whole lot of drama but it’s still better than the other options.

Fuck: Body Builder chick
female bodybuilder (11)
Ughh…I’ve been on tinder for a few weeks and the amount of grossly buff cross fit/weightlifting girls on there is amazing. It’s truly unattractive to me. It’s crazy cause it turns the female form into boxy and, sometimes, fat looking. Like, I don’t doubt these girls are strong as fuck but it leaves many of them looking like spongebob square pants. These you got the actual body builders…who are basically men but one thing is missing…that dick. It’s for that reason I would reluctantly choose them to have sex with. God, i really would not wanna do that but, at the very least, they have a vagina for me to put my penis in. My frightened, jacked up viagra penis. in a way, these ladies are far more masculine than the Chicks with dicks but that dick is a big hump to get past.

Kill: Chicks with Dicks
Like I said above, it’s all about the dick. I don’t want one of those things near me in a sexual manner. If this was Blow Job, Marry, Kill I might change my tune but it’s not. It’s FUCK. In this case, that could mean one of two things. I fuck her in the ass or she fucks me in the ass. Those are just huge “no go” options for your boring friend. The fucked up thing is I’ve seen some really beautiful Transexuals in my lifetime. Like ones who you would never guess were packing heat down there. But the second that dick would pop out? I’m gone. Sorry. All respect due though. Just not my thing.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 45

Well, here we are once again. Alone, at last. Time for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. It is exactly what you think it is. That game frat dudes play. Yup. Just a little more in depth. As always, I feel obligated to say this is just for shits and giggles so please don’t take it seriously. The only reason I don’t do male options is cause I want to not fuck them all equally.
Anyway, if you have some funny ideas for F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section. Get creative cause I’ve been doing this column for years.
Okay…let’s see what we got this week.

FMK- Full House edition: Olsen Twins, Jodie Sweetin, Candace Cameron

Fuck: Candace Cameron
This is really one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to hypothetically make. Really, there’s an argument to be made for fucking, marrying or killing all three of these choices. On one hand, as lame as it would be, a threesome with the olsen twins would be something I could write a best selling book about. Jodie Sweetin was/is a drug addled mess but, that could bode well for the sex. Candace Cameron is the most attractive of the bunch but also on some christian shit so…you know…that could be an issue.
But, when it comes down to it, i think my attraction to Candace Cameron and acceptance that it would be some bible thumping sex out weighs my desire to kiss a girl with meth mouth or see either of the Olsen twins naked. I realize this is a cop out but I’m a simple man and bad sex is more appealing to me than the other choices.

Marry: The Olsen twins
For one thing, there’s two of them. Sure they look like Michael jackson at this point and I’m not on some polygamy shit but that would immediately keep things interesting. Variety and stuff. Secondly, they are the richest people on earth. yes, it’s shallow. I know this…but I don’t wanna marry any of these assholes (I’m sure the feeling is mutual) so marrying two rich girls is the most appealing option. This could easily backfire and leave me in house (actually a mansion,though) with two people I loath , who loath me back cause I’m stinking up one of their million dollar couches all day watching netflix in my underwear. But, you know what, that can happen in any marriage. The only difference is the price of the couch.

Kill: Jodie Sweetin
The thing about Jodie is that you don’t know what you’re getting. She could be a fun druggie or she could be the type who stabs you in your sleep. I really don’t know. That risk is enough to make me opt out of putting a ring on her finger. I don’t enjoy “crazy” as a rule. So, you know, maybe I’d be doing her a favor. He life seems like a huge bummer anyway. It would kinda be a mercy killing.

F/M/K Cargo pants, church slacks, super long jean shorts

Kill: Super long jean shorts (JORTS)
You know, if you asked me this question 20 years ago, Jorts woulda been my wife. But, sadly, those days have passed and Kevin Smith is the only dude still rocking these things. As corny as the other options are, there is no way to pull off jorts in 2015. It’s like a blaring siren screaming “DO NOT FUCK ME OR RESPECT ME”. These things need to be put to rest in real life and in the made up world where I have to choice to fuck/marry/kill things/people.

Marry: Cargo Pants
As bad as cargo pants are, they’re at least comfortable. Also, styles exist that aren’t the absolute worst. Army Navy stores have kinds that don’t make me wince. Also, they’re the uniform of dads who have thrown the towel in. What better pants to marry? They’re like a step down from sweat pants but you can actually wear them to a restaurant and not feel like a hillbilly. Granted, putting them on basically deems you a eunuch but I’m married to them so who cares?

Fuck: Church pants
I can’t lie…this is kinda by default but, at the same time, some baggy ass , steve harvey looking church pants would be hilarious to wear once. Like, imagine rocking them with no shame to a place where hipsters are? It would blow their fucking minds. I wouldn’t be shocked that, one day, church pants are the ironic hipsters go-to outfit. What’s more far from the norm than a bearded white asshole with tatts wearing “who framed roger rabbit?” pants and a band t-shirt at the same time? Mark my words…this will one day be a thing.

F/M/K (Orange is the new black Edition) Kimiko Glenn, Diane Guerrero, Ruby Rose

Marry: Ruby Rose
Here’s the thing. She is beautiful. Like scary hot. Also, she’s a lesbian. So, here we come to a crossroad. Not to go off course here but I’m not a huge fan of marriage in general. Not that I think it people shouldn’t do it I just don’t know how I feel about it personally. So, when playing F/M/K and given the option of marrying a lesbian, I’m kinda into it. Why? Cause it turns into me just living with a roommate and living my life however I see fit. That’s kinda cool to me. Not to mention, I get along great with most lesbians I’ve met and partying with Ruby Rose would be fun. No jealousy. No “Where were you last night?!?”. Simply “G’day mate!” then carry on my day. The bonus of getting to look at her all day doesn’t hurt either.

Fuck: Diane Guerrero
This is just playing into my wheelhouse right here. Hot , short latina girl? Forget about it. The only reason I don’t marry her is cause of the golden “Always marry the lesbian” rule I’ve instituted for “Fuck/marry/Kill”. But, I’m a big fan of this one and would probably be angling for more than one Eff sesh…I’m assuming my wife, Ruby Rose, would be cool with that…cause she’s the best. I LOVE MY WIFE!

Kill: Kimiko Glenn

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium - Arrivals Featuring: Kimiko Glenn Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 25 Jan 2015 Credit: Brian To/WENN.com

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium – Arrivals
Featuring: Kimiko Glenn
Where: Los Angeles, California, United States
When: 25 Jan 2015
Credit: Brian To/WENN.com

I got nothing against her. On the show, she’s kinda plain and annoying. Then, one episode, they showed her tits and I was like “oh daamnnnnnn”. Still, she’s not a really exciting choice. She’s certainly a pretty girl and , like i mentioned, the tits are well documented. I mean, in real life, she’s the type of girl who would probably roll her eyes at me for asking her if she’s in line for the bathroom and possibly vomit at the idea of making out with me but this isn’t real life soooooooo…
Swing swing swing, and chop chop chop.

F/M/K:Duane Reade, 7-11, Starbucks

Kill: 7-11
This is new york-centric but fuck a 7-11. We don’t need them here and they’re basically just bringing the burbs to the city. I don’t take stands on much. I simply don’t care that deeply about most things but I boycott 7-11’s in NYC like they were hanging confederate flags in the window. Thing is, they’re unnecessary here. We have 24 hour bodegas and korean markets on every other corner. It’s one of the things that makes this city what it is. If you’re a person who was psyched to see a 7-11 open up in NYC, recognize you should probably move cause you’re making the city into the cornball factory it has become.

Fuck: Starbucks
I don’t drink coffee so Starbucks doesn’t do much for me. That said, I have been known to stuff my face with sweets and I can’t front on da ‘bucks. When I’m in an airport at 8 am and craving an iced lemon pound cake (which is always), I know where to go. When I’m walking home from dinner and desire a cake pop, Starbucks is there in a pinch. I mean, granted, I could go my entire life without ever stepping foot in one and nothing would change but it is nice to know the option exists. So, lemme put my dick in that

Marry: Duane Reade
Of these three places, I’m up in Duane Reade the most. it’s a drug store, it’s a supermarket, it’s where I can buy bulk cadbury eggs around easter. What’s not to like? Also, it’s an NYC institution. So, by marrying it, I’d feel like I was joining with something special. Only downside of Duane Reade is that the people who work there tend to be slightly less polite than people who work at the DMV but, whatever…it would just add spice to your union.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 44

Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s as stupid as it sounds. People sent in options and I oblige. As always, i much preface this by saying this is not meant to be taken even remotely seriously. I don’t want to kill or marry any of these people. It’s just a stupid bar game that I’ve expanded on. That’s all. Don’t be offended cause it’s not worth either of our time.
If you have interesting F/m/k options, leave them in the comment section below. Get creative cause I’ve covered a lot in the first 43 editions of this column.

F/M/K- GoT edition: Daenerys, Cercei, Margaery

Marry: Daenerys

I mean, come on. Dat Pussy fire, AMIRITE?!?!?!
This is an easy choice as she’s the obvious #1 girl on Game of thrones (Though her hot assistant might be my favorite girl on the show). She’s the mother of dragons. Not that that means anything but from a physical and power standpoint , she’s the end all of pulls. It is a little intimidating that her two boyfriends have both been giant murderous hunks but sometimes finesse can persevere. Also, there would be a chance I could make a half dragon baby with her. Not sure if that’s a good or bad things though.

Fuck: Margery
She’s sexy and manipulative. Put those things together and you get a real shit show of a relationship. The type that leave many men curled up in a corner , weeping, wondering what the hell happened. However, if you just keep it physical with her, I’d imagine it’s quite rewarding. Like, I bet she knows some tricks. Weird game of thrones tricks that don’t exist in the real world but involve hot rocks and liniments. Not to mention, unlike Daenerys , her past lovers have been children and sociopaths so I’d be pretty confidant going into this one.

Kill: Cercei
Cercei is pretty but also a terrible piece of shit. Just an awful person. She’s crazy, fucks her brother and cousin, and is responsible for creating the worst/best villain ever, Joffrey. Obviously, she gotta die. I mean, every week, I wait patiently for her to meet her demise and it never comes. Kinda like this Winter they keep fucking talking about. What’s up with that? Winter has been coming for like 4 seasons now. How long is goddamn autumn in the 7 kingdoms?

F/M/K- going back to college, moving to a small rural town, or growing white-guy dreads and wearing sandals everyday?

Kill:Growing white guy dreads and wearing sandals everyday
Kill me. Kill meeeeeeeeeeeeee. This just goes against everything I believe in. If I had white guy dreads and wore sandals, I’d try and strangle myself every time I walked past a mirror. The dreads are one thing. I mean, as lame as they can be, I don’t think that’s the worst. But the open toed shoes on men? That I cannot condone. This is a huge point of contention and I realize a large portion of you disagree but, keep in mind, I live in NYC. It’s just not okay to wear that shit here. You’re by a beach or in the woods, go nuts. But anywhere that revolves around walking on concrete is a no fly zone for that bullshit. Sorry. It’s the rules…that I made up…but I stand by them.

Fuck: Moving to a small Rural town
I’d honestly probably lose my mind in a small town. I’m just too used to the amenities of a big city. Also, I don’t drive so I’d be stranded. On the bright side, i could wear flip flops all day and feel no shame (I still wouldn’t though…ever).
But, seriously, there is a part of me that thinks I could enjoy that slow country living for a little bit. I could never “marry” that lifestyle but I’d dip my dick in and see what it feels like. No harm in that.

Marry: Going back to college
I dropped out of college. I hated school. I was terrible at it. That said, I actually sometimes wish I had stayed. Not for the learning. Definitely not. But for the social aspect of it. Living in dorms, being on campus with tons of other students. Parties. Girls. That stuff. Now, there is no way I could ever go back to college and do well as a student. It’s just not in the cards but , if I could go, get C- type grades and just live the college life? I’d be all over that. Not at my current age but, still…15-20 years ago it would have been so much fun.

F/M/K- cake, pie, brownies.

I marry cake cause it’s got a versatility that Brownies don’t have. There are thousands of types of cake. Some of them suck but that’s beauty of cake…you don’t have to eat those shitty types. For instance, wedding cakes are usually pretty wack. But birthday cakes? Pretty awesome. What about ice cream cakes? That’s some next level shit. just thinking about all this cake is getting me worked up. I’mma go put my dick in an entenmann’s box and pick out a ring.

I love brownies. As a stand alone thing, I’d take them over cake. However, they’re limited. I don’t think I could eat a brownie a day. Well, I’m sure I could but that’s not the point. Variety is the spice of life. Sure, a sea salt fudge brownie makes my jaw ache but that’s just lust. I lust for brownies. I wanna fuck the shit out of brownies. Can’t say I wanna make love to them though. They are the perfect mistress.

Kill: Pie
I’m torn here. On one hand, I’m not a pie guy. I think warm fruit is always gross and if given the choice, I pass on it always. Even non-fruit based pies aren’t my thing. It’s like they can’t decide if they wanna be cake or pudding. I honestly don’t know how anyone would ever take something filled with fruit over a iced, delicious , soft cake. That’s insanity to me. The only saving grace of pies is that they have a savory side to them. Meat pies. Spinach pies. I love that kinda shit. I would probably marry those alone but, alas, the warm fruit version has to come in a ruin it for everyone. Sorry Pie…

Fuck/Marry/Kill-Grace Jones ,Nina Simone ,Janis Joplin

Kill: Janis Joplin
This is tough. I’m definitely not attracted to Janis. She’s always had that new born gerbil face that makes me think she got taken out of the oven a little too soon. Also, she’s one of those people who I can tell smelled like shit. A boozing, drug addled hippie? That’s a slight step up from homeless woman on the “how bad does the person smell” flow chart. I dunno. She had a great voice but she’s just not doing it for me. Also, the kill part would be easy cause she’s been dead for like 40 years.

Fuck: Grace Jones
Grace Jones is terrifying. I can definitely see her ripping a dick off with her bare hands but I think that’s part of the appeal. If Grace jones wants to have sex with you, you kinda have to do it, right? If for no other reason, the experience and story it would create. It’s one of those “just let yourself go” situations. Sure, i might end up a pile of bones in the end but , in a way, that’s really going out in a blaze of glory.

Marry: Nina Simone
This was tough for me cause I had an inner battle between my heart and my brain. On one hand, Nina Simone is not a handsome woman. She’s also a tortured soul. That’s a lot of emotions being put on the plate. However, she’s easily of of my favorite singers ever and I can’t kill her. I’d also imagine she’s capable of a level of passion that is crazy. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but it’s something. Worst case scenario, i’d just listen to her sing all day and probably get murdered in my sleep. That’s fine. I probably deserved it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 43

Difficult business decision
Hi there and welcome to your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/MArry/Kill. Yes, the same game your awful frat bro plays. As always, I must remind the overly sensitive readers that this is all for jokes. I don’t wanna kill any of these people. I don’t think they would or should fuck or marry me either. This just a game. The only reason I don’t do men is cause I don’t want to have sex with them equally. I’d probably marry a man though…best roommate ever!
Anyway, if you have any interesting ideas for who i should F/m/K, lemme know. Leave them in the comments below. It can be people, places, things…anything. Get creative. Stay away from the Katy Perry, Madonna, Snookie types. They’ve been done to death.
Okay, let’s pop this off…

F/M/K: The three girls on “Girls” who are not Lena Dunham AKA Allison Williams, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet

Kill: Jemima Kirke
I’d like to acknowledge that I am a man who watches the show “Girls”. There is nothing wrong with this and I would argue it’s only bad in the sense that every character on the show is a terrible person. Outside of that, it’s actually pretty well done. Okay? Good.
So, as i just mentioned, every character on that show is terrible. In the case of Kirke, they make her the one that you’re supposed to maybe like. Kinda. But, to me, she’s the worst of the worst (excluding Dunham’s character). The thing about “Girls” is that i really do know people like every character on this show. In the case of Kirke, this kind of person and I do not mix. The fake free spirit type who are actually just incredibly selfish and judgmental? Fuck all that. Killing that kinda person would be a joy. Now, you may be thinking I’m talking too much about the character but I firmly believe that character was based on the actress in a major way. So, I’m just taking it all out on her. Sorry!

Fuck: Zosia Mamet
Time to get a little shallow here but…she’s got a banging body. That’s pretty much my reasoning here. Of the three, she’s easily my favorite on all counts even though, technically, she’s actually the most busted and annoying one. Well, to each their own. I would like to have sex with her. If for no other reason than to get some of that good old Mamet DNA. Just kidding. I don’t give a fuck about plays.

Marry: Allison Williams
She’s “The pretty one”. And ,yes, she is pretty. She’s also kinda the worst which makes this a tough choice. She’s one of the theater dorks who can sing and dance and LOOOOOVES to show us all that fact as often as possible.. While that kind of person generally makes my skin crawl, she kinda wins by default. As annoying as those people can be, I’ll take them over the british scenester girl. So, really, much like in life, she wins cause she’s pretty. I’m not proud of it and I would be very unhappy in this marriage but, on the bright side, so would she. I’d be a terrible husband.

F/M/K:DJ Premier Beats,Dr. Dre Beats, Madlib Beats

Fuck: DJ Premier beats
I really could gone a number of ways with this. Primo is responsible for many of my favorite beats. He’s a legend without question.So why am I fucking his beats, instead of marrying them? Well, it’s more out of respect for Dre than anything. Primo’s beats would make a fine wife. And imagine our kids?!!? But, at the end of the day, while he’s had more biters than any producer I can think of, he didn’t change the landscape of music like Dre did. He was simply one of the best at his craft and I’d hit that for sure.

Marry: Dr Dre beats
Dre changed the game. Multiple times. His sound is timeless and applies to all walks of life. That versatility and longevity make his beats the ideal wife. Sure, he probably hasn’t touched a sampler in like 20 years. who cares? He made the fucking Chronic! In rap music, legacy goes a long way. He’s earned his stripes ten fold and , in the same way, he’s earned my sweet hand in marriage.

Kill: Madlib beats
I’ve never been a huge Madlib guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, they guy has made tons of great music but I’m a little older than the generation that worships him. I grew up idolizing Dre and Primo. To me, Madlib was closer to a peer who did much much better than I did, if that makes sense. It’s hard to compare someone like that to someone who you deem a legend or someone who you feel helped shape the entire landscape of rap music for generations to come. To be fair, it’s not his fault. His competition was just too fierce here. I woulda killed me in this situation as well. It’s only right.

F/M/K:Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu ,Santigold

Kill:Lauryn Hill
Man, there was a time when she would get married so quickly. When the Fug-e-la video dropped I was legit in love with her. The looks, the talent…she was amazing. But, time has been rough on Mrs. Hill. She had like 15 kids and wears lipstick like a deranged murderer might. She’s become recluse and diva…at the same time. That’s can’t be a pleasant mix to be around. For as talented as she was and is she’s , apparently, equal parts crazy now. I simply don’t have that thing in me whereI wanna be around crazy people. Sanity is great. Highly underrated, especially when choosing a mate. She’s not even that erotic kinda crazy where you know the sex would be awesome , as long as you got out quick afterwards. No, she even seems like the sex would be fucking weird and possibly dangerous. Lots of “Don’t look at me!” and order barking. Not my speed.

Fuck: Erykah Badu
Two things
1) She secretly has one of the best asses in the business. This is an easy selling point for me.
2) she might be magic.
She’s not only dated but had kids with some of the best rappers of this generation and previous generations. Andre 3000, D.O.C., Jay Electronica and I guess I’ll count Common too. She must have something really special going on there. Rappers don’t just have kids with anyone…hahahahaha…just kidding but, seriously, she has been the muse to some insanely talented people and that alone has be curious of the power she holds within her vagina. I mean, her teeth are yellow as fuck and no one seems to care. It must be glorious. So glorious, in fact, that I’d be lying if I said it didn’t intimidate me a bit. Like, what if , once you sleep with Badu, it ruins other vagina for you? Like how people talk about having sex on ecstasy. It’s possible. It makes a lot of sense!

Marry: Santigold
I honestly don’t know much about Santigold. I know she’s pretty and from brooklyn so there’s that. I don’t really listen to her music but, from what I’ve heard, I always think she’s M.I.A.
Whatever the case, she kinda falls into the marriage category by default. For all I know she’s batshit crazy and I’d be making a terrible life choice but, hey, what’s life if you ain’t living?
This is one of those risk/reward situations. Roll the dice with me, Santigold.

F/M/K: Candy Ravers, Elitist Hipsters ,“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”

Kill: Candy Ravers
Simply put, I’m too old for that shit. I’ve seen some super hot ravers over the last 5 years but it’s impossible for me to not look at them as children…cause they are. The clothes are fucking stupid and it’s a scene that, in general, makes no sense to my old ass mind. I do like candy though…

Marry:“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”
I think the only reason I’m marrying this one is cause I don’t think this is a “type” of person. This is simply some shit that happens. We’ve all been to shows and gotten shitfaced. I look at this person as normal. Sure, the person can be a liability. i’ve certainly dealt with my share of sloppy disasters at shows, falling all over the merch table and repeating the same sentence to me over and over again (side note: Try your best to NEVER be that person. That person sucks) but, in the morning, they’re sober and most likely a decent human being. It’s only an issue if that lifestyle is an everyday thing. Fortunately , you can only go to so many shows in week. I’d be playing the odds on this one and hoping for the best.

Fuck: Elitist hipster
Well, for one, it would be fun to hate fuck one of these assholes. I’m sure their critique of my sexual prowess would be like a pitchfork review but, thems the breaks. Secondly, say what you will but hipster girls are hot. They dress well and are always on point…cause they have to be. I can’t say I’ve hooked up with many legit hipster types in my life but I’ve definitely wanted to so this would fulfill that desire.
On a side note, The cool thing about elitist hipsters is that they’re generally insecure suburbanites who moves to whatever city they live in now to be the asshole they always wanted to be. They can say whatever they want to me. I’ll be fine. They still will be back at the townie bar come thanksgiving, hating life, and that’s one of the purest equalizers known to man.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 42

Hi there. Welcome to another beloved/loathed edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s dumb as fuck. But that’s why I do it. If you wanna send me in some options, go for it. Just get creative cause I’ve done a ton of those already. Lady gaga and Katy Perry submissions are not going to cut it.
Leave them in the comments below.
As always, i’d like to preface this with a “This isn’t serious so don’t take it that way” warning. I’m don’t actually wish to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/place/things. I mean, sure, i’d fuck a few of them but it ends there, i swear!
Let’s see what we got this time around…

F/M/K: The “Real Names of Celebrities” Edition-
Demetria Gene Guynes (DEMI MOORE)
Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong (DIDO)
Eileen Regina Edwards (SHANIA TWAIN)

Marry: Shania Twain
I have this thing where my brain doesn’t compute certain genre’s of women sexually. Country singers has been one of those for a while. Excluding Dolly parton, of course. I can look at Carrie Underwood and see that she’s a hot blonde girl but there’s something about that country singer attitude that just doesn’t click with me. Enter Shania Twain and that theory flies out the window. Maybe cause her look harkens back to a time or reading maxim magazines while taking a dump in the 90’s? Whatever it is, it’s working for me. That and I’d just like to ask her , repeatedly, what she was thinking when she made that song “That don’t impress me much” cause, wow…

Kill: Dido
I honestly had forgotten what Dido Looked like until googling her for the pic above. Turns out she was really cute. Man, that totally slipped through the cracks, huh? I suppose it makes sense considering she was at peak popularity during the highly sexualized Britney spears years. As pretty as she was (is?) , there was a prudish vibe to her that clearly didn’t leave a lasting impact on my brain. Looking at her now, she’s certainly marriage material but, i dunno…Those 1990’s memories hold some weight. And she has the word “Cloud” in her original name. That’s just dumb. Sorry. Dead.

Fuck: Demi Moore
Demi Moore
I’d just like to point out that her birth name is brutal. Gene Guynes. That sounds like a drag queen name. I don’t know where she pulled “Demi Moore” from but I’m not mad at the switch. Her parents were assholes.
Anyway, Demi Moore has been my shit since the 80’s, so the nostalgia in my penis is guiding me with this one. While I prefer her pre-surgury , the fact she’s maintained hotness after 50 years is amazing. I wouldn’t wanna marry her but fucking her? That’s an achievement we can all get on board with, right? Ashton knows what I’m talking about!

F/M/K: The Canadian Edition-Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver

Fuck: Montreal
Unlike a lot of U.S. citizens, I think Cqnada has a lot to offer. In particular, these three wonderful cities. I like them all a great deal. But, in F/m/k, you gotta make tough choices.
I choose to fuck Montreal for a few reasons. First off, it’s an amazing city that reminds me of Greenwich Village, where I grew up. Except, it’s full of french canadians. That’s a bit of a bummer. So, While I love visiting it and hanging there, i can’t say I’d wanna live there full time. I’m simply terrible at learning languages and I don’t ever feel comfortable in places where I have to sheepishly speak english to everyone. So, by fucking Montreal, i get to enjoy it but I don’t have to stay forever. Also, I’d wanna fuck Montreal cause I literally want to fuck montreal. Pound for pound , some of the hottest women I have ever seen. Maybe I’m a sucker for a pouty french bitch face but, goddamnit, if they don’t deliver, I don’t know who does.

Marry: Toronto
As a New Yorker, I can’t help but compare all other cities to mine. It’s my favorite city so, the more similar the city is to NYC, the more I tend to like it. Toronto is pretty close in many ways. It’s far more sterile, way less active and in Canada but parts of it legit feel like it could be an extension of manhattan. To me, if I had to chose, I’d wanna be up in that full time. It’s a city like that that I can relate to. I also tend to like people from Toronto so there’s that too. Oh, and it’s so close to michigan! What a bonus! (just kidding about that last part)

Kill: Vancouver
Like I said, I like all these cities. Vancouver is awesome. But, of the three, it’s the one that grabs me the least. Probably cause it’s on some northwest shit. It’s a little too spread out, a little too “eh bro, you like kind bud?!?!” for my taste. Not to mention that area where all the junkies are? Fucking gross. Don’t you guys have street sweepers out there? Problem fixed.
I love visiting it and playing in it but, I dunno. This one just loses by default. Let’s be honest, if the shit ever really hits the fan in the US and San Fran is outta my price range, I’d gladly live in any of these places before I lived somewhere else in the US. But that’s just me. Oh, Canada.

F/M/K: All the actresses who played Carrie- sissy spacek, Angela bettis, Chloe grace moretz

Kill: Angela Bettis
Who? She must have been in the sequel. Well, a quick google search shows me all I need to know. She looks vaguely familiar as a character actress. Anyway, not into it at all. She looks like a mormon Sandra Bernhardt. Just not my steeze. Sadly, she dies for wrong reasons here but in F/M/K, there rarely are right reasons for any of the choices you make.

Fuck: Sissy Spacek
I’m assuming we’re judging these from the era the movies were made. I’m hoping we are.
Spacek was a weird brand of cute back then. She had an unborn gerbil look to her but she was certainly pretty. I can’t say she was oozing sexuality but, considering the other choices, I had to play this safe. She’s got a farmers daughter quality that is kinda hot but there is something about her that’s not all there. Can’t really put my finger on it. Luckily, I wouldn’t be marrying her so whatever that thing is, it would not be my problem!

Marry: Chloe Grace Moretz
Okay, you jerks. I know she’s under age. She’s a kid. Thus, i would not fuck her. At the same time, I’m not gonna kill her either. The best I can do is marry her, let her age a few years and then see what happens. It’s really the only option. I would sooner just adopt her but that just sounds like some Woody Allen shit. These picks got me in a funny position. I should really google her age before I continue…hold up (googling)
Oh wait…she literally turned 18 a few weeks ago. That makes this slightly less terrible. it’s still bad cause, let’s be honest, she’s a child to me no matter how old she is, but at least it’s not illegal. Again, i just wanna clarify that she is way too young for me and, in reality, i would never ever even consider it an option. Not to mention, her dad might be my age so imagine how grossed out she’d be by all this. Let’s just move on and forget this ever happened…

F/M/K: Reading Novels-Learning Languages-Watching Soccer

Marry: Reading Novels
I hate reading. It bores the life out of me. Even before the internet and smart phones, i couldn’t sit with a book unless I had absolutely no other option. That said, of these three choices, it is the one that I could see myself learning to enjoy if I had to. I think what sells it to me is that there are so many options. I imagine if the day came where reading novels just clicked with me, a whole world of pleasure would be opened up to me. I mean, shit, there are millions of books to read. Variety is the spice of life. It would be like having an open relationship…but with books. You fucking nerds.

Fuck: Watching Soccer
Much like reading, soccer bores the life out of me. I’ve played it. I’ve watched it. It’s slow and tedious. Yes, there are flares of excitement. Awesome things do happen. But, overall, people can blather on all they want to about the beauty and elegance of the sport but it’s not for me. However, I’m a guy who , if forced, can watch most sports. When the world cup comes around, I will often find myself forced to watch some Soccer. If i actually pay attention to it, I can see why people like it. I still think it’s totally boring but I get it. I can definitely see the skill and strategy in it. So, for a night, i could definitely spend the evening balls deep in a soccer match. I could maybe even do a week of it. Just not a lifetime.

Kill: Learning Languages
I’m just bad at this. I took spanish 2 for 3 years and never passed. My brain doesn’t pick up other language. Strangely enough, i’m great at accents but words, conjugations and all that other shit? Nope. It’s as if my brain just shuts off the second someone starts to teach me anything. It’s too bad cause I would like to be able to sit on the train and understand what people are saying. But i’m not about put all that work into something just for the eavesdropping benefits. whoever picked these three choices is pretty funny and definitely pays attention to shit I’ve said in the past. Well played and go fuck yourself.

Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 41

It’s a new year and “fuck/Marry/Kill” rolls on. It’s a game you either love or hate. Hopefully, the former.
As always, let me preemptively say this is all for laughs. I don’t really want to kill or marry any of these people. Please try your best to put your self righteous college aged outrage to the side for a moment and just except this for what it is: A dumb joke. We’re all equal. We are all special flowers. Blah blah blah.
On another note, if you have any good ideas for people/things/places I should Fuck/marry/kill, let me have them. Leave them in the comment section below.
Okay, let’s pop it off and remember, it’s all love (kind of).

F/M/K: Sammi Sweetheart, Farrah Abraham, Lauren Conrad

Marry: Lauren Conrad
Aside from always thinking she was cute, she’s the only one of these three I don’t actively loath. Sure, she’s a made up person from reality TV and is very likely equally awful as the other two rodeo clowns in this selection but, at least from a perspective of how they presented themselves on tv, her worst faults are being dumb and mildly petty. Not ideal wifey material but , let’s be honest, I could do a lot worse too.

Fuck: Sammi Sweetheart
Sammi is one the quintessential catholic school girl grown up. She puts sex on a pedestal, for about a week, then gives it up in what I imagine to be the most extreme of ways. Not to be confused with Farrah abraham , who literally gives up the butthole on film, I’m more talking about a passion. She’s all “I’m a good girl, I’m a sweetheart!” but then she goes and has sex with steroid pumped gorillas with no game whatsoever. I don’t know why that makes me pick her for sex and I also realize I’d be the weakest man she had ever let touch her by a long shot but, you know, there’s a challenge in that. Maybe the gentle touch of a weakling is what she’s been waiting for all her life.

Kill:Farrah Abraham
Yes, I’ve seen her porn. It was…umm…graphic. That’s somebodies mother, guys! hahahahaha
This is a case of where the “kill” is actually doing the world a favor. She is possibly one of the least savory human beings to ever throw themselves in front of a camera. Truly awful. She’s also made herself look like deformed joy doll so it’s not like the moral obligation to make her extinct is fighting my dick being like “But she’s hot, bro!”. Nope, this is the rare case of f/m/k where it might actually be justified. Not to be too grim, but there will probably come a time in our life when Farrah Abraham dies prematurely and not even twitter will be able to send condolences with a straight face.

F/M/K: Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy

Fuck: Santa Claus
Duh. He’s a giver. And not a cheap giver. He gives you whatever you asked for. He will supply a life of joy. Also, he’s thick.
Santa is the ultimate made up guy. He’s like the superman of imaginary friends. He can do anything. It’s almost not fair. Unless you’re a jew…then I suppose marrying Santa might be an issue. I’m only half jewish so I think it would work. Stranger things have happened though.

Fuck: The tooth fairy
The thing I like about the tooth fairy is that he/she rewards you for your pain and let’s you know that you’re growing up. I remember when my baby teeth would fall out. Some would go easy. Others would hang by a thread for weeks until I had to yank it out with my bare hands and swallow a mouthful of blood. The Tooth fairy understood this pain and , in exchange, left a few quarters. Sure, that’s a bit on the cheap side but when you’re like 4 years old (is that how old you are when teeth fall out?) that might as well be a million dollars. The only downside of the tooth fairy is that, if you think about him/her, it’s some creep with like a million pounds of kids teeth saved up. Which really does sound like some serial killer shit.

Kill: The easter bunny
The easter bunny is smug. He’s all like “Oh, you want some eggs? Well, I’mma hide them. But first, go to church all morning”. FUCK THAT NOISE. First of all, my dudes santa and the tooth fairy deliver me goods directly to home. Money and gifts. What are you offering me? Some fucking ornate hard boiled eggs? woopty fuckin’-doo. I can go to the corner store and buy like 10 of those for 2 bucks…but I wouldn’t ever do that cause who needs that many hard boiled eggs? The whole “bringing food” thing is suspect to me and can easily go awry. Honestly, if we’re getting food, I’d rather someone bring me a freshly cooked rabbit. That would be delicious.

FMK- in their prime foxy brown, little kim, nicki minaj

Fuck: Nicki Minaj
Hey, you know what? Nicki Minaj is the hottest. Talk all you want about her fake butt and tits, her poor fashion choices and her annoying voice but, goddamnit, I love her face. She’s like a cartoon in her hotness. My only issue with her would be the reality that I probably could do no damage to her sexually on any level. But it would be my honor to try as hard as I could. Seriously, there aren’t many female rappers I wanna have sex with more than her. Trina in her prime, maybe? That’s it. Nicki is the pinnacle. Also, I hate her music.

Kill: Foxy Brown
I’ve never for a moment liked Foxy Brown. Musically or physically. Her face always looked like a sea turtle with a stroke to me and she just seemed unclean at all time to me. She even had a great body in her prime but it just never took with me. Did she have a lazy eye? Even if she didn’t, it felt like she did. Maybe cause she looks like forrest whitaker with a vagina.
Anyway, I also despise her rapping. She was corny and had the voice of a male child. That one song where she breaks down the math of selling drugs was a low point in late 90’s rap to me (and that era has LOTS of low points). Foxy has always been just kinda gross to me. It’s an easy choice.

Marry: Lil’ Kim
In her prime, Lil Kim was adorable. Spunky, cute and a total dirt bag. I don’t know how she transformed into Mr. Mistoffelees from “Cats!” but it’s a bummer to see. Aside from her physical traits, I’ve always felt Kim was one of those extremely loyal ladies as well. She’d have your back. To a fault, even. I bet she put up with some pretty horrendous shit while dating Biggie but she stuck by him…as his ultimate side piece. Well, with me, it would be time for the big leagues. A wedding and all. Also, she’s my favorite rapper of the bunch by far.

F/M/K- Bed Bugs, Cockroaches, Rats!

Fuck: Cockroaches
This was an awful selection to fuck you to whoever came up with it. Seriously…terrible.
But, if i HAD to pick one of these to fuck, I’mma go with roaches. I don’t like them, but I can live with them. I’ve had variations of them in every house I’ve ever lived in and it’s nothing new. Not on some “Joe’s apartment” shit but , you know, a few here and there. They don’t bother me nearly as much as rats. That’s for sure. So, I’mma throw a good fucking on some roaches.

Kill: Rats!
Without hesitation. Just googling the word “rats” to find the pic above sent waves of panic through my system. I cannot live around rats. They’re huge, they eat stuff and they can climb walls. unlike roaches, I don’t feel comfortable stomping a rat to death. It might survive the beating and comeback for revenge. Mice, I’m down with, Woulda married them in a heart beat. But rats? DEAD. ALL OF THEM.

Marry: Bed Bugs

This one is specific to me and I realize, for most people , they’d be the “Kill”. understandably so. They ruin lives. However, there’s a chance I’m not allergic to their bites. I don’t know this for sure but, a while back, some friends and I went to the woods and the hotel we we stayed at had a bed bug problem. Both the people I was with, who stayed in the same hotel as me, got eaten alive. I did not. Granted, i was in a different bed than them but the fact I came out clean either means I’m the luckiest man alive (which is possible) or I’m not effected by bed bug bites. So, there is a strong chance I’m wrong about this and would be entering into a marriage of true despair BUT, if i’m right, i just beat the system. I would be taking these three horrific things and making one a non-factor. It’s really a dice roll but I’m not marrying a fucking rat. EVER.