Hello. Time once again for america’s favorite time killer, Fuck/Marry/kill. You guys gave me options, I gave you my picks. As simple a concept as the day is long.
As always, for all you hyper sensitive/easily offended people out there, i will remind you that this is all in fun. It’s not nearly as serious as you’d like it to be so, please, don’t bother being offended by it. It’s dumb. I’m aware of that. We cool? i hope so.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…
F/M/K: Amber Rose, Iggy Azalea, Azealia Banks
Marry: Amber Rose
This was actually tough cause, in all three cases, I was leaning toward both fuck and kill. Marriage, however, was not one I would easily apply to any of these women. So, I thought long and hard. Did some soul searching. I came up with Amber Rose as the wife. How did I come to this place? Well, when you’re dealing with a stalemate, you have to look towards the subtleties. I picked her cause , well, she’s probably the least awful person of the three to be around. I’ve seen her in interviews. She’s as dumb as a toaster oven and slightly corny but she seems , at the very least, sweet. She’s not like one of those basketball wives and she’s not a crazy person. She’s just a girl who was blessed with a crazy ass , who shaves her head. I think we could make it work.
Kill: Iggy azalea
Again, this was tough. Iggy has a hot face and crazy ass as well but she’s also like 6’2”. Not really my bag. Beyond that, she’s upper echelon cornball status. Her accent alone makes me want to leave the room and the thought of that aussie/wigger/trap lord hybrid bullshit saying anything to me in any situation is a pretty big turn off all around. The problem with killing her would be how difficult that task would actually be. It would be like the fight between breanna and the Hound on game of thrones. I fear I might not make it out alive.
Fuck: Azealia Banks
Now, I’m pretty confidant most people reading this right now are curious as to why I chose to kill Iggy and have sex with Banks. Well, hear me out. First off, off the three girls, Banks was the one I was most smitten with at first sight. The first time I saw the “212” video, I legit had a crush on her. she was adorable. So, that alone got her to this point. Beyond that, I realize that, since then, she’s kinda lost her mind. She’s been flipping out on twitter and getting into all sorts of beefs with people over extremely dumb shit. That only plays more into this whole choice. It’s a known fact, in the fuck/marry/kill universe, that crazy often = Good sex. So, in the case of banks, I’m willing to find out and show her what my dicks like, homie.
F/M/K:New Year’s Eve/Halloween/St. Patrick’s Day
Kill: St. Patrick’s day
Easiest pick I’ve had in a while. I’m not irish, I don’t day drink and I hate parades. Add those things together and you have a no brainer. I’ve even imagined killing this day outside of this silly game. St. Paddy’s day fucking sucks. Everything about it. I’m sure some people have fun and , if you’re a dude who is into pale , shapeless women, it could be a pretty strong day to get laid but, otherwise? DEAD DEAD DEAD.
Halloween is fun. You get to dress up and pretend. Girls go nuts and get basically naked. So that’s cool. However, it’s another day with a stupid fucking parade and really, let’s be honest, it’s a one and done kinda situation. No one wants to do this every day. So, it fits perfectly into the “fuck” criteria. Yes, I wanna fuck halloween but there’s no way I’d wanna do that shit daily. One and done. I’d even do the walk of shame home the next day in my costume, looking like a deranged person.
Marry: New year’s eve
Yes, NYE is amateur hour. But , you know what else is amateur hour? Marriage.
I pick NYE for many reasons. For one, no parade. That’s huge.
Secondly, it’s a huge party with tons of friends. I typically chill with all my closest friends that night and it’s always fun. Even the bullshit ones where we just end up at some bar. Thirdly, on some scum bag shit, I’d say it’s the best “get laid” day of the three by far. Of all the holidays, it’s by far the one I’ve had the most success at.
I’d also add that NYE is very versatile. You can party different ways. Some people go to clubs. Some go to house parties. some gather a small group and just go to a secluded place in the woods. It’s really whatever you wanna make it, which is nice and enables it to evolve with you. My mom can pop off on NYE and still have fun just like I can.
So, really, if I had to pick one of these three days to live over and over, it would be this one, by a landslide.
The American Dialect Edition:
Accents from THE WIRE / Accents from FARGO / Accents from THE SOPRANOS
I bet you thought I’d marry this one but nope! I actually hate those guido/jersey accents. To many people who’ve never been to NYC, they think that’s how we all talk, which is infuriating. But still, I gotta have some home town pride. I can’t just be killing all my neighbors. So, screw it…I’ll fuck’em. At least it’s a familiar. And there is something weirdly sexy to me about a girl with a terrible jersey accent. i wouldn’t bring her home to my mom but it definitely makes me think she’s a little trashy, in a good way.
This fucking accent. I can’t even take it seriously. It’s what happens when you leave white people alone for decades. It’s as if you mixed irish people with cheese and time and , Ta-dah! That’s what you get. I also have a weird issue with people who say “Oh my gosh” cause I feel like they’re scared to say “Oh my ,god”, which makes me think they’re god fearing lunatics. Sure, that’s an unfair jump in logic but it always bugs me out. Especially when porn stars say it. It’s like “Really? You just took 7 dicks in your ass at once but saying the lords name is an issue?” But i digress…Terrible accent and one I could never deal with for more than passing pleasantries.
Marry: The wire
I just wanna clarify that there is not a single north american accent that I think is even remotely sexy. They all sound like yokels to me. From southern cali surfer guy to southern belle to that crazy maine accent that guys who go clamming have…they all are equally lame. This B’more accent isn’t pretty but ,Perhaps cause it’s the one I hear the least, It doesn’t bother me. So, really, I’m picking this one strictly due to it being the last one left. You know when that happens, it was a tough round of F/M/K. But I think I’ll be okay, thanks for asking.
F/M/K:Ellen Page,Yoko Ono ,Emilia Clarke (she plays Danaerys in GoT)
Marry: Emilia Clarke
I mean…come on. I’d marry her in real life right now and I’ve never even seen her in person or spoken a word to her. She’s the hottest and…well, she’s the hottest. There was a time in F/M/K, history where I’d always marry the lesbian cause, in a way, it would be like not marrying at all. That way, I’d actually get the ideal situation. A cool roommate and total freedom. but, in this case, fuck all that. I’m wifing the mother of dragons up with no hesitation.
Kill: Yoka Ono
Again, Come on. Who’s not killing Yoko in this? Fred Phelps would kill Yoko in this and he hates gay people more than he hates asians (I’m assuming). Not only is she old as fuck but she also sucks. She wasn’t even hot when she was young and she pretty much invented being “pretentious hippies”. Unacceptable. DEAD.
Fuck: Ellen Page
Listen, she’s got a few things going against her. The obvious one being she’d be revolted to have to have sex with me. I feel you, girl. Secondly, she looks like a child. That would be creepy. But, that said, she does have a very cute face and I bet , if I got it over with quick enough, we could pal around before she went to bathroom and barfed for 3 hours cause she was forced to sleep with a disgusting man. Basically, I picked this one cause there was no way i wasn’t picking Clarke for marriage. When making an F/M/K cake, sometimes you gotta break some eggs. Out of respect, I’d try my best to be as quick and non-evasive as sex can be. Trust me, i don’t wanna be there if she doesn’t wanna be there.I’m a gentleman.