Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 33

Hey guys. It’s time once again for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. Depending how seriously you take jokes, this will either offend you deeply or you won’t even blink. To those in former group, as always, I assure you this is all for jokes. I don’t want to marry or kill any of these people/things and I also realize that, in reality, they’d all gladly kill me in this game…and I’m okay with that. This is all for fun so don’t let your inner college activist get the best of you. It’s not that serious. EVER.
I’m sure you all know how the game is played and , if not, it’s not hard to figure out. Let’s get into it.

F/M/K (cornball edition):Alicia Keys, Miley Cyrus, Adrienne Bailon

Marry: Adrienne Bailon
Yes, she dated Rob Kardashian. Yes, she’s probably the type of girl who probably only communicates in emojis. I know this. However, of the three choices, she’s easily the choice for wifey. First off, corniness aside, she’s fairly hot. She got a nice body and, unlike the other two, she doesn’t seem totally insufferable. With great shame, I can admit that I’ve watched “Keeping up with the kardashians” and she was on it and fair amount. You know what? she wasn’t THAT bad. Compared to anyone in the Kardshian family, she was downright lovely. So, basing this entirely on that and her physical appearance, she get’s the ring.

Fuck:Miley Cyrus
When you’re done rolling your eyes and reevaluating every good thing you’ve ever thought about me, let me explain.
She’s the worst. This has been established. But , here’s the thing, it’s all an act. Before anything, she’s a shrewd business woman who understands how things work. Every move she makes is strategic. From sticking her dumb tongue out to promoting her own drug use. She knows exactly what she’s doing and plays it up on cartoonish levels. I’m willing to bet that, in a one on one situation, she wouldn’t be THAT bad. “But, Tony, Why would you fuck her then?” Cause she’s Miley Cyrus, bro. Yeah, she’s skinny and has no ass and there’s a good chance she’s got various STD’s but You know what? I kinda think her face is okay. She falls somewhere between Bridgette Neilson , River Pheonix and a cartoon chipmunk. On top of that, I’m curious of what she might actually be like in bed , as opposed to the way she portrays herself (which is basically the sexual identity of a 14 year old girl acting out). Let’s be real here though. The true win here would be able to say that I fucked Miley Cyrus and tell people the story about it. That alone would be worth it.

Kill: Alecia Keys
In a world full of corn balls, Keys is queen. She’s got that neo-soul head-wrap corny swag. She’s also got that “I fake a hood accent even though I was raised by my white mom in midtown manhattan and went to an art/music school for classical piano” swag as well. She just has the air of someone who is EXTREMELY self involved under the guise of being the oracle. And that’s just the tip of the corn husk. The thing is, Keys is both very pretty and insanely talented. But, you know what? Talent and looks has never stopped anyone from being the worst. Her corniness transcends it all.She comes on tv, I find myself blushing out of shame of what I’m seeing go down. I know girls like her now. I knew girls like her growing up. They are such a specific breed I can spot them from a mile away. They’re “friendly” in that fake “love is love” kinda way but, really, they’re just as evil as anyone else in the business. Hypothetically Killing Keys would be my pleasure. As an added bonus, it would make Swizz beats sad and that’s always nice.

F/M/K: citibike, rollerblades, segway

Fuck: Segway
I’d like to clarify that I don’t do “wheels” in general. I never have. So these three things are all things I don’t really have a strong opinion on. These three choices are based entirely of perception.
Why would i fuck a segway? Well, it looks like fun. Segways seem like a good time girl that would be great for a fling but eventually grow tiresome. I’d gladly hop on one and take it for a spin but, trust, when that ride was over, you could have it back. Here, take these tissues. Clean her off. Thanks for the ride, lady. And know, when i tell my friends of our time together, I will speak of you with great respect and honor.

It just makes sense to marry the bike. Sure a Segway would be more fun but Bikes go faster and don’t require power. They can take you places with speed and are good exercise. Citibikes are kinda heavy but, after a while, I’m sure I’d get used to it and learn to love them. Also, they’re everywhere!

Kill: Rollerblades
Do people still Rollerblade? I’m speaking of real life adults. Even when rollerblading was at it’s peak of popularity it was still kind of a joke. They’re fucking futuristic roller skates. The type of shit they would have in a movie in the 70′s about the year 2050. Sure, they’re probably very convenient and anyone who’s seen a person on rollerblades skate backwards can attest, those guys are fucking awesome. Just kidding. That’s not awesome at all. Clearly, Roller blades gonna catch that L in this round.

F/M/K: marge Simpson Louis griffin and she-ra

Marry:Louis Griffin
Honestly, I think Family guy is totally mediocre but I’ve seen enough of it to know that Louis is a sexy freak. She’s actually pretty hot (by cartoon standards) and , though her voice is incredibly shrill, she’s a generally sane person who is perfectly suited to be a wife. Definitely more suited for it than I am to be anyone’s husband.
side note, you’d be shocked at the amount of louis and marge based porn there is out there. Nerd’s really need to learn to channel their sexual energy in a better way. Instead of jerking off to a fake ginger Debbie Mazar, perhaps just do what the rest of us do and search for the closest human version you can find on youjizz.com

She is so out my league in so many ways, it’s pretty intimidating. i mean, she’s fucking She-ra. She’s probably got some magic powers, she’s strong as fuck and she’s used to boning bodybuilder type dudes who kill dragons. That’s a lot to measure up to. But, I’m not one of those guys who frets over that type of thing too much and there’s no way I’d pass up the opportunity to be eskimo brothers with He-man.
Also, she’s got one of those bodies that’s so unreal it makes little girls sad , feminists mad and loser ass grown men have unrealistic standards. Just once I’d like to see what that’s like. Even if it is with a cartoon.

Kill: Marge Simpson
Marge got an ass. There’s no denying it. But she’s also got a blue beehive hairdo and voice like a gravel pit. I like marge a lot. She’s obviously very similar to Louis Griffin in many ways. After all, the Simpsons is clearly the blueprint for the Family Guy. But, i dunno…I always thought that face was kinda rough and when she got all sexy, the voice was a huge turn off. I don’t wanna kill marge. She’s a staple of my childhood. But, tough break…She lived a full life. It’s okay.

F/m/k: Turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.

Kill: Stuffing
Stuffing is good but let’s be honest…no ones eating that shit any day but thanksgiving. It’s basically salty wet bread with some spices thrown in. Nothing wrong with that but nothing too great either. If stuffing were really bout that life, if would be available as a side order in most decent restaurants. But clearly, it ain’t bout that life. So i gotta kill it.

Fuck: Mashed Potatoes
I love mashed Potatoes but the idea of eating them every day is daunting. They’re a once in a while treat. I’m always happy to see them but it’s definitely something i eat knowing I probably shouldn’t be stuffing into my face. It’s a sad truth of aging that you have to gauge food like that but, hey, that’s life. I’m not 20 anymore and I can’t eat buttery whipped potatoes 27 times a week. I can, however, take a heaping pile of it, fill the hole in top with brown gravy and plunge my love deep inside it for one amazing night of ecstasy. I might even go in for seconds, if she’d have me.

Marry: Turkey
This was tough cause, to be honest, I don’t love turkey. It’s good but it’s also pretty boring. This is more a case of making the sensible choice. Turkey is a solid protein and one of those types of meat , much like chicken, that you can dress up to taste different. Throw some cheese and mayo on it and we got a decent sandwich. You can fry it. You can even make soup stock out of it. So, whole it wouldn’t be a fiery romance, it would be fine. Still, I’d probably be fantasizing about that night I had with Mashed potatoes every time i ate a meal.

Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 32

It’s been a while…since I said I’m sorry. Word to Staind, it’s that time again. To clarify, as always, fuck/marry/kill is dumb and juvenile. This is done in total jest (though my answers are honest) and not meant to be taken seriously. Clearly, I don’t want to kill or marry any of these people, nor do I have the power to make any of those three options happen. It’s just a dumb game. If this kinda thing tends to bother you, just skip it cause it’s not gonna change your mind.
To those who know the drill, enjoy!

F/M/K: brunette with slight social issues edition: That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy) 2. Jeneane garafalo in Romy and Michele’s High school reunion 3. Rose McGowan in Planet Terror

Kill: Jeneane Garofalo In Romy and Michele’s High school reunion
I’m assuming these choices are based upon the actual characters and not the real life actresses so I’m gonna just role with that in mind.
I haven’t seen this movie in a while and, being that I’m a male, it was never a huge deal to me. It was cute but I know girls who feel this one is one of the all time great comedies. Anyway, I kinda recall her character being sarcastic , somewhat mean and void of any sexuality. While that’s a personality type I could see myself being friends with on some level, it certainly doesn’t inspire me to want to have sex or marry that person. It’s a bummer too cause I always though Garofalo was secretly kinda pretty. Just not in any way I’d want to get physical with. Like I said, she didn’t exactly emanate that particular vibe.
So, just based on that, I gotta kill Garofalo in this movie. I’d probably wanna get drunk and talk shit with her first though.

Fuck: Rose McGowan in Planet Terror
Pretty obvious choice here. I mean, she’s the hot one. Even though one of her legs is a gun, I’d try and limit the sexual positions to ones that don’t have that thing pointing in my face. Also, sex with an amputee is , at the very least, an interesting story. But a hot amputee? Even better.

Marry:That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy)
This is a tough one cause , on one hand, I grew up watching this movie. While other boys were into Molly Ringwald (I often wonder, were they really, though?) I actually always thought Ally Sheedy was kinda cute in this movie. In a “Oh, that squatter is pretty” kinda way. But that kinda face that she has was always one I found myself drawn to, even to this day. Like a sultry eskimo. On the other hand, I’m not a kid anymore and she’s a teenager in this movie. So, there’s that. But, fuck it, considering I know for a fact the real Ally Sheedy is much older than me, i don’t feel that bad about it.
But, remove all the semantics , and she was weird cute girl and that’s always been marriage material on some level. Granted, her dandruff was gross (she ate it too) but I figure girls will grow out of that and eventually become clean. I dated a punk girl when I was that age. Being filthy is a phase. So, I’d roll the dice and wife up Sheedy.

FMK 1. Vans 2. Converse 3. Adidas

Marry: Adidas
To be honest, I don’t generally wear any of these brands. I’ve always been a Nike guy. That said, I have owned some decent pairs of adidas over the years. While they often , seem like they’re trying too hard to appeal to nordic break dancers, they do come up with some nice shit and there’s no denying they have some classic shoes. I could live the rest of my life in only Adidas if I had to…but I’d be jerking off to Nike the entire time.

I guess I only picked them to fuck cause of their history. They had some classic kicks in the 70′s and I’ve definitely rocked them a few times. Some really dope High-top sneakers that , if someone gave to me now, I’d be pretty psyched on. Their new shit is abysmal though. Also, I loath chucks. I’m not a greaser in the 50′s, nor am I the kid from Rushmore. I realize they are a staple of all humanity but , to me, they only look right when worn by girls. Even then, I don’t love them.

Kill: Vans
I don’t skate. Never did. I also don’t lived near a beach or on a boat. Admittedly, I’m 100% biased against these shoes cause, for the majority of my life, they were simply not conducive to living in a city where you walk a lot. They were blister machines and, god forbid, you step on a piece of glass or something.
Also, they all look like boat shoes to me. They lacked gumption. Too frail looking. Girls wore them. Wack dudes loved them. That was my view of Vans when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to embrace simplicity in footwear. In fact, I see why people love Vans. Ten years ago, I woulda laughed in the face of anyone trying to make a case for vans. So, while i “get it” now, the damage has been done to my psyche. I simply cannot be a part of that world(I opt for the nike brand Van rip offs). I feel the same way about pea coats. I recognize, as an adult, that they are fine but I’m simply not the guy that will ever wear one.

F/M/K those chicks from the 90′s show friends edition 1. Jen Aniston 2. Courtney Cox 3. Lisa Kudrow

Marry: Courtney Cox
I’m kinda shocked I haven’t done this one already. Maybe I did and forgot. Who knows?
Anyway, She was always my type of the three. A hot blue eyed brunette. I’m ignoring any character traits from the show cause I only saw it a few times. In fact, I’m basing this as much on the show as I am the feelings I got in my stomach when I was a kid watching her dance with Bruce Springsteen in the “Dancing in the dark” video.
(Go to 3:23 and fall in love the same way I did)

I was like “Who’s that girl? One day I will play a stupid game where I pretend I have the power to fuck, marry or kill three women who are super famous and wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire…and I will take her hand in hypothetical marriage”. And it was so…

Fuck: Jennifer Aniston
I bet a lot of you wanted me to kill her. Well, you guys are jerks and I’m shallow. Let’s be real…She’s the most famous , normal looking person ever. She’s got a crazy body but that kinda of grill is one you can find seating people at Chile’s Restaurants across the country. But you know what? She’s still cute. I mean, we can sit here and talk about who’s hotter and some assholes can lean back in their chairs dismissing Aniston , as if they haven’t only had sex with girls ten notches below her their entire life. In the game of Fuck/marry/kill she’s kind of the perfect “fuck”. Cause, she looks like a girl most of us might actually have sex with one day. Except with a banging body. I doubt any man is turning that down. But, clearly, no one is marrying her either. Literally.

Kill: Lisa Kudrow
I feel bad for Lisa Kudrow. She’s probably been killed in versions of this game played all over the world for years. Thing is, she’s not bad looking. She’s also got some big boobs that she tends to keep hidden. In reality, most guys would gladly make love to Lisa Kudrow. However, she seems to lack an magnetism. She looks like a girl who doesn’t even like sex and , sometimes, that can be a real turnoff. But, more than anything, she’s always gonna be the one who gets left out when matched up with these other two. She’s what Kelly Roland was when Destiny’s child was still together (f/m/k-wise, not musically). I will say this though, I bet she’s by far the coolest of the three. But, like I said, I’m shallow and this is “fuck/marry/kill”. Sorry.

F/M/K Carbs!: Rice, Noodles, Bread

Kill: Rice
Goddamnit. I don’t wanna kill rice. I love rice. But, when I think of the big picture, I need it the least. I would miss sushi (I guess sashimi would be the move from here on out) and , really, anything rice related. It’s just the other two are so crucial to my eating happiness , they leave me no choice. So, while i would kill rice, I’d be crying while I did it and I’d never forget the time we shared.

Fuck: Noodles
I’m assuming this includes pasta as well…cause that’s a big one. But, really, it’s winter in NYC and I’ve been obsessed with Ramen lately. A few good spots finally opened up in my neighborhood and it’s gotten to the point where I need it like once a week at least. Couldn’t have ramen without noodles! But, also, italian food. It’s the best and , if it wasn’t so fattening, I’d eat pasta every day. I think that’s why I would just fuck Noodles. To only have it for the rest of my life would be glorious but I’d also become so fat , I’d be one of those obese dudes on the TLC network who needs to be airlifted out his crib and requires a mop with an extra long handle to wipe his ass. No bueno.

Marry: Bread
Bread is the best cause , on its own, it’s still good. Plain rice or noodles with nothing on them are flavorless but some fresh out the over bread? FUCK YES. Add some butter and I might start masturbating right here. And that’s just bread in it’s most basic form! Bread makes sandwiches! What’s better than a sandwich!?!?! NOTHING, BRO.
And the varieties…You could have some Naan or foccacia, some bum ass wheat bread if you’re that kinda person. Shit, you couldn’t make a french onion soup without some cheese covered bread on top. I’m getting worked up here. I’m gonna go to a bakery and stick my dick in a wood burning oven.

Fuck/Marry/kill vol. 31

tough choices

Welcome back to the game every dumb frat guy ever has played to the dismay of every girl even born. Round these parts, I do it slightly differently. Kinda. I at least explain my choices. That’s gotta count, right?
Just to clarify, please don’t take any of this seriously. Even if I’m being honest with my answers, it’s never to be taken to heart. I hate that I have to say that every time I post these but , the few times I didn’t, I got dissertations on feminism…and that’s really not what I’m getting at here. This is a dumb game. A game ANYONE can play. So, Just leave the issues at the door and let me tell you who I’d fuck/marry/or kill.

F/M/K Awesome brunettes edition:Minka Kelly, Adriana Lima, Olivia Munn

Fuck: Adriana Lima

I mean, she’s basically perfect. Look at her. It actually makes me mad. So mad, in fact, that I don’t think I could marry her (LIES). In reality, she’s too fly. well, all three of these girls are but she’s unreal fly. Like some weird science nerds made her. So, I choose to only make sweet love to her. Cause marrying her would be too much for me. I couldn’t deal with all the pointing and “Why the fuck is that girl with him?!?!?”. So, a one off to remember it is.

Marry: Minka Kelly

I love this girl. While she is also insanely out of my league, there is something at least approachable about her. Maybe it’s cause she may or may not be a backwoods yokel? I dunno. But, you put her in a f/m/k situation with me, best believe she’s getting picked 99/100 times. You know when you look at someone and , from 20 feet away you can tell they stink? She’s the opposite of that feeling. She should make a perfume out of what I’d guess her post workout butthole smells like…lilacs and sea salt. I’d wear it under my nostrils.
Yeah, that was creepy. Just trying to make the point: She’s my shit.

Kill: Olivia Munn

This one hurts cause, she was once my #1. I even wrote a whole blog piece about her a few years back, being a total creep and everything. However, it’s funny what a few years can do to someone. Since then, she’s done well for herself. TV and movies. She’s also lost too much weight and , according to like 3 people I know who met her, she’s a fucking asshole. Earth shattering. So, it’s with great sadness I’d have to drop the hammer on her. Keep in mind though, I’d still love to F or M her in general though. This is purely situational.

F/M/K: Actress, Music Critic, Psychologist


While killing an actress is truly tempting, I’m not stupid. Actresses are generally vapid and self obsessed on levels most normal folks can’t even comprehend. But you know what? They also tend to be pretty hot. I’m not blind. It’s an easy choice. Sure, the sex would most likely either be a poorly put on show or the girl trying to remember “her lines” but…whatever, let a shallow dude be shallow! This would be underwhelming sex with a pretty face. I think we’ve all been there.

Marry: Psychologist

This one gets married by default. I don’t really have a strong opinion on psychologists either way. Some are asshole quacks and some actually help people. The only downside I’ve seen is that they often raise shitty neurotic kids (which,I suppose is a reg flag for marriage?) but hopefully I’d offset that with my whole “home schooled psychologist” vibe. Who knows? At least you know a psychologist wants to help people on some level. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Kill: Music Critic

There are a handful of great music critics but about 95% of the lowest or the low. Trolls given a platform. People with no reference points who write 1000 word essays on why Yung Lean is a genius. Or people who masturbate to Kanye’s new album. Or people who didn’t even like Kanye’s new album but , for some reason, still put it on their year end top ten list (What’s that all about?). There are people who love music and speak on it with clarity, scope and an even hand(the anthony fantano’s of the world) and there is everyone else. Fuck ALL those other people. DEAD.

F/M/K best mafia wife: Sharon stone in casino , Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas , Diane Keaton as Michael Corleones American wife in Godfather

Marry: Lorraine Bracco

A good jewish girl! What could be better? Bracco was always sexy to me but she also kinda looked like a mom forever. She makes sense as a wife. In Goodfellas, she was a decent person who got caught up in some bullshit. I can respect that. It’s not like she was crazy for not co-signing her husbands rampant cheating. She’s wifey material. Thus, she gets wifed.

Fuck: Sharon Stone

Stone was still hot in Casino and gave an amazing performance. That said, the character she played is one of the most terrible human beings ever. A true leech and sociopath. There’s simply no way you’re gonna put a ring on her finger. Sex, however, would be awesome. That scene where she hooks up with Joe Pesci in the trailer is one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen but…truth be told, it was kinda hot. Even with her peacock hairstyle.

Kill:Diane Keaton

I won’t even front, I barely remember her. It’s been a while since I watched the godfather. All I know is that I’ve never wanted to fuck or marry Diane Keaton. Not even close. That’s some Woody Allen shit. She’s not unattractive but she never did it for me. I don’t wanna have to kill her either but, hey, this game has rules and I’m not god.

F/M/K: cereal, toast, bacon

Kill: toast
Toast is cool but who gives a shit? More often than not, it’ll end up collecting dust on the side plate it came on while I eat the actual breakfast I ordered from the diner. Toast is only elevated when you add stuff to it. But , on it’s own? It’s a piece of shitty bread. I’d eat it but I’d rather wait for the real meal.

Fuck: Cereal

Cereal is the ultimate “fuck” cause it’s something I don’t always want but , when I feel like it, it’s the best. Meaning, I wouldn’t wanna marry it cause eating cereal every day is fucking weird. ALso, I’m more of a “savory for breakfast” kinda dude. But a one off extravaganza with cereal? I’m ALL in, bro.
Some fruity pebbles…or maybe take it back to the “golden Grahams” era? Fucking frosted flakes? Let’s do this. But tomorrow, I’mma want some real food like an egg and cheese sandwich so this is a one night affair.

Marry: Bacon
Oh bacon…my dicks on hard just thinking about you. But, you know what bacon? This is deeper than just sex. I want you to be with me forever. I want you inside me (pause). I want you to be with me until you eventually lead to my heart stopping cause it’s so full of your deadly fats. Be my widow, bacon. Let me love you. *puts on marvin gaye record and proceeds to wrap bacon around my penis* This is real, bacon. I feel for you, girl.

Fuck/marry/Kill vol. 30

What better way to lead into Thanksgiving than with a rousing round of Fuck/Marry/Kill. As always, lemme preface this entire article by saying none of this is serious and , if you’re offended by it, you need to calm down. I’m well aware I do not possess the power to choose who I hypothetically fuck or marry or kill. That’s kinda the joke.
P.S. I love that i have to explain that every week but , the few times I haven’t I get long diatribes from people who relate this column to women getting paid less than men for doing the same job and spousal abuse. Just know, it’s not that serious. It’s NEVER that serious when I’m typing it. I’m an asshole , but I’m not a dickhead.
Anyway this weeks batch consists of starlets, fruits , and directors. Have at it.

F/M/K:Batman’s sloppy seconds: Katie Holmes,Marion Cotillard, Anne Hathaway

Marry: Katie Holmes
The Metropolitan Museum Of Art Costume Institute Annual Gala - Arrivals
You know, because that whole thing with Tom Cruise went down, I feel as If Katie Holmes stock dropped way lower than it ever should have. It was like she was a star NBA player who accidentally shot someone. She may be slightly off in the head, but she can still ball out, know what I mean? Sure, it does make her either look crazy or like the highest of high priced mail order brides but let’s not forget how much we (I) loved her before it all happened. She was adorable and likable. I’m a man who can forgive and forget. Also, I have a strange feeling that that “fresh out the cult” sex might be next level shit.

Fuck: Marion Cotillard
I honestly don’t recall her as anyone in Batman so I had to google. She’s definitely beautiful (and a little nervous looking). This pick is more of a “she just landed here” kinda situation as I definitely had my mind set on marrying Holmes and killing Hathaway. I’m sure mrs. Cotillard would be thrilled to read this and one day tell her grand children about the time some guy on the internet shrugged his shoulders and said “Yes, I would fuck Marion Cotillard”. That’s a huge moment for any starlet. Like a step below getting your star on the walk of fame.

Kill: Anne Hathaway
I’m sure some of you are scratching your head at this one as Hathaway is definitely very pretty. Others , however, are rolling your eyes at how obvious and easy this choice was to make. For all her talents and physical beauty, Hathaway is perhaps the most annoying actor-y actresses of all time. She is the girl you went to high school how was so deep in the drama club game that she probably spoke in shakespeare quotes. Well, this may not be an issue for some of you, I cannot handle most actors. They are generally the most self involved and corny people on earth. I doubt they even actually have real feelings and I’m pretty sure that sex is just a breathing exercise for them. On the bright side, I’d kill her in a really dramatic fashion so, at least she’d be into that.

F/M/K: The films of Woody Allen, David Lynch, Tim Burton

Fuck: David Lynch
Neil Corbould 2
I’mma be honest, I think David lynch is really hit or miss. He’s made some amazing films but he also makes movies that I either don’t get or that bore me with their weirdness. But, for a fuck, he works perfectly. Cause, with his movies, you never know what you’re gonna get but you do know it’s gonna be , at the very least, strange. Sure, this could mean some terrible slightly violent ass play kinda stuff or it could mean some really interesting and rewarding threesome where everyone wears Scream masks. Regardless, I’m willing to take the risk cause I definitely don’t wanna marry his movies or kill them.

Marry: Woody Allen
I’m not even a big Woody Allen guy. I mean, I like his movies but I’m not one of those people who’s life has been deeply effected by them either. The reason I’d put a ring on them though is cause he’s consistent. Even when he’s mailed it in, it’s usually watchable. Sure, in his old age, that’s become more and more common but, hey, that sounds exactly like married life. As you get older and more stationary, reliability becomes a factor. With Woody’s movies, I’d know what I’m getting on some level and I’m okay with that for the long haul.

Kill: Tim Burton
While burton has made some movies that I love more than anything either of the prior two filmmakers have ever done (Pee Wee’s bid adventure, Ed Wood, Beetlejuice) let’s be honest here, dude makes terrible fucking movies now. When “Mars Attacks” is the last movie you made that didn’t completely suck (and it wasn’t good), it might be time to be put to bed. I dunno what happened to him…perhaps he overdosed on whimsy?Perhaps the end of the goth era had a profound effect on his creative vision? Whatever it is, I’m convinced he’s incapable of making a good movie at this point. I’d be doing him and myself a favor by putting him out of his misery. Who knows, he’d probably be into that shit.

F/M/k, Rock star daughters: Elizabeth Jagger, Alexandra Richards, Lily Collins

Marry: Lily Collins
Is she even old enough to be legally married? Whatever, she’s hot and looks nothing like her dad. To me, that’s a huge victory in this heat.
Perhaps it’s cause her dad was never a balls to wall, drug fueled animal type rock star but she , judging from the 15 seconds of google image searching I did, seems far more well adjusted than the other two girls. Sure, she’s an actress and I already spoke on my disdain for that kind of person but, hey, you know what’s worse than an actress? A socialite and a model. At least actresses actually do something.

Fuck: Alexandra Richards
I’m sure I’ve spoken on “Whore eyes” before. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s great. This girl got them in spades. “Whore eyes” are a certain twinkle some ladies have that make every man they encounter think they have a shot at them. While this is never the case, just being around them is a huge ego boost, even if it’s all in our heads. That said, when i see whore eyes, I want to have sex with them. So, the math on this one is pretty simple.

Kill: Elizabeth Jagger
I dunno…she’s pretty and stuff but she looks like she’s been through the ringer already. I can’t even put my finger on it…well, maybe it’s cause she looks like her mom , Jerry Hall, and i always was kinda grossed out by her. This “Kill” may simply be the result of her own genetics that, while they are great, are just not up my alley. Also, I never gave a shit about the rolling stones. So deal with that.

F/M/K: an apple, a banana, a grapefruit

Fuck: Banana
I mean, it would probably fuck me, AMIRITE?!?!!?
Nah, but bananas are good for you and good on an occasion. They’re one of the few fruits that are actually filling so there’s that too. I fucks with banana milkshakes too. Though, I think all banana related candy is disgusting. For me, this more a matter of it being something I’d want when I want it, but I don’t think i could ever eat two banana’s in one sitting.

Kill: Grapefruit
I kinda like grapefruits but they also are a touch bitter for my taste. Worse than that, they’re dangerous. The amount of times I’ve had one squirt in my eye is like…i dunno…4? That’s enough for me to return the favor and stomp one of these heartless motherfuckers to death.
To me, they are only good for breakfast and , generally, if there are alternate choices, I will always pick whatever other fruit they got. Even some bullshit like a pear.

Marry: Apples
The timing of this one could not be more perfect. I’ve been on an apple rampage lately. I’m obsessed with apples. I eat like 3 a day. All different types (Though Granny smith will always be my main bitch). I would gladly marry apples. Hell, I’d name our kill apple just to make it clear how much I love apples.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 29

It is time once again for the game we all know and love. Fuck/marry/kill. Well, actually, some of you hate it cause you take everything way too seriously and think I’m being sexist. So, just to clarify, this is all jokes. You realize , for half of these, I’m fucking, marrying and killing things that cannot be fucked, married or killed, right? Part of the fun of these is being able to be ridiculous about them. And where the women are concerned, know that I’m aware this is all made up and have desire to actually do anything to any of these women (well, I’d fuck a few of them…) nor do I think they’d do anything but “Kill” me if given the choice. Now that I’ve explained that to you and drained all possible humor out of the idea, let’s get back into it. If you have any interesting/off center ideas of people/things/places you’d like me to fuck marry or kill, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new ideas and these are all reader submitted.
And now, on with the show…

NBA girls Edition:Vanessa Bryant, Kate Upton, Savannah Brinson

Fuck: Kate Upton
Not quite sure what she did to get on this list. Pretty sure she’s not dating or married to a basketball player, but hey, I’m not complaining. Upton is obviously beautiful an seemingly created in the mind of a 14 year old boy furiously masturbating. All that’s missing is a PS4 built into her back and that theory would be spot on. Anyway, some of you may be asking, why not marry her? Well, this is gonna sound terrible but I don’t see her aging gracefully. Not that I’m one to talk but by the time she hits 30, the world will be speaking very differently about Mrs. Upton. So, I’m more of the “Get it while it’s still great” mind set on this one.

Marry: Vanessa Bryant
It’s hard to find a pic of her without a forced smile or a scowl on it. I wonder why? oh yeah…cause her piece of shit husband sodomized some girl in a hotel a few years back and she opted to stay with him. On one hand that’s unheard of loyalty (certainly a very marriage worthy trait). On the other, she might just be in it for the long sting and planning on milking Kobe for all he’s worth (a ploy I’m not mad at cause, hey, he did cheat). Either way, I’ve always thought she was pretty fly and , even if her “Stand by my man” angle is tainted, she might actually not be a terrible person. Then again, she may have stayed married with him just so she can hold it over his head for the rest of his life and he’s basically her slave. Who knows…this is a tough one. I feel like I’m talking myself out of it. hmm…Nah, fuck it…At the very least she’d be appreciative of a non-cheater and it would give me even more reason to hate Kobe than I already do. WORTH IT.

Kill:Savannah Brinson
Truth be told, I didn’t even know who this was. I knew lebron got married (Dumbest choice ever for a pro athlete in his 20′s, btw) but I didn’t know it was to her. Well, She’s very pretty. That’s all i can really say. So, why am I killing her in this scenario? Out of pure ignorance. She could be a witch for all i know…or she could be saint. I have no idea and typing words into google to check is way to time consuming for a game this dumb. So, I’ll just cut my loses and go with the apathetic kill. Sorry bron, bron!

F/M/K – Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Marry: Saturday
Soooo easy for me. As a guy who doesn’t work a normal job, this question actually takes on different meanings. My mondays are mostly likely not like you’re mondays (unless you happen to blissfully unemployed). But saturdays…That’s when everything is great. I go out with my girl for some delicious lunch (or brunch if you wanna be an asshole about it). I chill, then I go play basketball. Then I come home, eat some more and probably go out with my friends. To me, that’s a perfect day. Food, basketball, friends. If I had a theme restaurant , that would be the tagline “Come to Tony’s House of Lamb Flanks: Food ,basketball and friends”

Fuck: Friday
Friday is a fuck of a night for most people. For you, it might mean that time when you cut loose after a hard week. For me, it’s more typically date night. Either way, it doesn’t have the complete majesty of a saturday but it’s still pretty good. A good friday can definitely set your saturday back though so, when fucking friday, go easy on her/him. You fuck too hard and you’ll spend your saturday in bed , holding your sore vagina/butthole all day.

Kill: Sunday
This is my hangover day in general. Fuck this day. The only thing good about sundays to me is the TV they play. WHile I will miss that, I won’t miss feeling like I have a case of short term AIDS for the majority of the day due to the drinks I drank the night before. For you working people, Sunday is a reminder that “hey bro, tomorrow is back to the grindstone”. There is no joy in anticipation of tomorrow when tomorrow is a guaranteed shit show. I’d imagine church goers might argue this day is the best but I’m not one of them and , of course, the shittiest day of the weekend would be “The lords day”. He shoulda picked saturday. just sayin’.

F/M/K: 80′s wrestling ladies edition: Luna Vachon, Miss Elisabeth, Alundra Blayze

Kill: Luna Vachon
Jesus christ. Kill it with fire. Kill it before it kills me. This lady looks like Herc from “The Wire” with a wig on , dressed like a road warrior extra. Actually, now that I think about it, she would be an amazing Halloween costume for a drag queen.
Whatever, she is terrifying. Both from a physical and general looks view point. She could very likely kick my ass…which , contrary to what some of you creeps might think, is not an attractive quality.

Fuck:Alundra Blayze
Alundra Blayze e
There are huge pockets of men out there who are very attracted to a girl like this. Not just the Mr. Cee’s of the world either.She’s a real Robert Crumb type. Strong, tall and with a jawline that makes you go “Wait…are you? you got tits though…but wait…” as you galnce down at her tights to check for a lump. She is a manly lady, no doubt. But, she spells Blaze with a “Y” so you know she’s real, guys. I’ll tell you one thing, looking through these google pics, she LOVES america. And what’s more american than having uncomfortable sex with a girl you’re not 100% is totally a girl? Not much, bro, not much.

Marry: Miss Elisabeth
I had her posters on my wall. When I used to watch wrestling, she was that flower that grew out of the concrete. It’s funny how your brain sees things when you’re an kid. Seeing her now, she was basically like the living embodiment of a mall food court and very likely did pounds of coke off Macho Man’s pimple filled back. But back in the day? I assumed she shit diamonds and spoke like 15 different languages fluently…She was lovely , goddamnit! So, in honor of my youthful optimism, I thee wed. Also, have you looked at the other two choices? Shit is a no brainer.

F/M/K:beard ,mustache ,goatee

Marry: Beard
John Hamm, Jennifer Westfeldt
Beards are the best cause they’re easy to maintain (you just let them grow), they’re manly and they keep you warm. They also are great for hiding your fat fucking face or keeping people in the dark that, when clean shaven, you look like that pussy from “Boy meets world”. Also, due to some weird shit in the water, ladies seem to be open to beards nowadays. I don’t know if it’s some daddy issues , respect for santa or some genetic desire to love cavemen but more and more really hot girls are down with a slovenly looking dude these days. So, score one for bearded guys.

The mustache is definitely a fuck. It’s a novelty. Sure, some dudes grow them and mean it but they’re all either leather boys, cops or mixologists. For most guys, a mustache is something you rock for a little bit and have fun with, then shave off and live you life as a normal person once again. I’ve noticed that really good looking dudes like to grow just a mustache sometimes. As if to test their own good looks. Like “She liked me last week..but will she still wanna have sex with me if I have just a mustache?!?!” (The answer is “yes” , good looking guy. She will do whatever you say. You’re that good looking. Prick).

Kill: Goatee
Maybe in the 90′s this would have been a tough choice but nowadays? It’s a wrap on goatees. Only slovenly roadies/sound guys, chubby latino men and weirdo religious southerners who tuck in their t-shirts have goatees anymore. While it is a slightly more doable look than, say, just a soul patch, it’s just not a viable anymore. The whole beard wave has made people who sculpt their facial hair look like total sissies. Oh word, you’re gonna manicure your goatee? Nice. Be sure to trim the double chin layer so there is a hunk of freshly shaven fat right beneath your chin that looks like a delicious slab of pork waiting to cooked on a grill. I’m hungry.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 28

What’s up?
Time for another installment of Fuck/marry/kill, America’s favorite board game that the whole family can play!
As always, I must preface this with me reminding you that this is all jokes. I’m well aware that I don’t possess the power to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things. So, you know, if you find this kinda thing offended jut remember you’re the one who’s reading an article entitled “Fuck/marry/kill”. It’s not exactly a misleading title.
Anyway, if you have any good F/m/K options you’d like me to take a whirl at in future columns, leave them in the comment section below. I’m open to all ideas but , just know, I’ve done a lot of these so it might be time to get creative.
Okay…on with the show.

F/M/K/: Known scientologist edition
Erika Christensen, Bijou Phillips, Elisabeth Moss

Fuck: Bijou Phillips
This scraggle teethed goon has been on my hit list forever. Perhaps it’s cause she was so awesome in the movies “Bully” and “Havoc” where she basically plays the same character: An awful piece of trashy shit who looks amazing naked.
One thing is clear, Philips has lived a life. She was out clubbing when she was like 13 and probably doing mad amounts of drugs well into her 20′s. She’s weird looking but, goddamnit, I think she’s hot. I have no rhyme or reason (well, I got some reasons) but she does it for me. That said, marrying her would be the worst idea ever as who the hell knows what that would entail. Her unpredictability is both a gift and curse in this situation.

Marry: Elisabeth Moss
Elizabeth Moss
(yes, I picked the best possible picture of her I could find. I’m marrying her, for christs sake!)
This is a hard pick cause I’m not really attracted to her. She kinda looks like a Pekingese dog to me. Like she always looks slightly terrified. But there is something lovable about her and that leads me to believe she’d make the best wife of the three choices above. She dated Fred Armisen which is, well, interesting. I dunno…I think she just kinda wins this one by default.

Kill: Erika Christensen
You know life is an uphill battle when you’re that actress who everyone else thinks is Julia Styles. That plain as plain can be ,pan face swag is not a swag you really want. But, sadly, both Christensen and Styles have it. Although , I will say that Christensen does have an edge to her. Mainly she has a body. Also, She seems crazy. I mean, shit, she’s a scientologist so that’s half true but, beyond that, she seems a little nutty. For some, that might be a turn on cause, often, crazy equals good sex but , i dunno…I feel like a crazy scientologist might just mean she’ll stick moon rocks up my ass and then make me takes some weird word association test. I want no part of that.

F/m/K: Ipod, Discman, Walkman

Marry: Ipod
I’m not stupid. I know that times change and getting stranded in the way things were is pointless. So, if you’re a person who can possibly rationalize not marrying the Ipod, go fuck your self. You’re lying. Not only does it hold endless music but it also is basically a cell phone that doesn’t make phone calls. I can play candy crush on that shit! What!?!?!?
Easy choice. Not even close and that’s coming from a dude with tons of nostalgic connections to all that old school shit. But still…it’s 2013 and gimmie a fucking break.

Fuck: Walkman
I mentioned above my nostalgic connection. Well, i was a walkman wearing motherfucker for most of my life. I was that kid who always had headphones draped around his neck. I made mix tapes for myself to listen to and that, in itself, was a special thing to me. Fitting as many songs on a 90 minute tape as I could to maximize my listening pleasure. It really honed my “making mixes for girls” skills that would later get me laid. Sure, you had to rewind and fast forward manually but that was all part of the interactive feeling you had with music during that time. Flipping tapes over, studying liner notes…all that stuff is cause of cassettes and , i feel, led to a more intimate relationship with the music.

I was hyped on Discman when they dropped. Skipping songs was never easier and you could make mixes in like 20 seconds. However, as someone who was walking everywhere, discman failed. They would skip all the time and , if your cd got scratched, you were screwed. I owned my fair share of them over the years but I never felt connected to them like I did my walkmen. I also got robbed for one of them when I was in high school so that’s still a sour point in my mind.
The way I see it, you either go all the way with technology like an Ipod or keep it simple like a walkman. The discman was an uncomfortable in between.

Fuck/Marry/Kill,the “Scrubs” edition:
Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Christa Miller

Kill: Christa Miller
Maybe it’s cause I’ve actually seen the show Scrubs before and it swayed me but, from what I understand, she has plastic surgery on her face. To me, that’s a no go. No one had ever looked better in their 40′s cause they got botoxed and weird lip work done. She’s pretty in a midwestern Milf kinda way but the work she’s had done is just too big a turn off. Perhaps the technique used to kill her could be something involving her being melted down so her parts stay biodegradable.

Fuck: Sarah Chalke
I’ve always thought she was cute. Even when she became the second Becky on “Roseanne”. She’s very all american looking to me and, honestly, that’s kinda boring. So, while she could be marriage material, she could also be a cadaver in bed and make my life miserable. Only one way to find out! On the downside, if she is actually a good time, I may have made the wrong choice. But, hey, i’m not really a gambling man so I like to play it safe in situations like this. Did I mention that, in real life, she probably wouldn’t fuck me for a million dollars? I felt i should clarify that right about now.

Marry: Judy Reyes
I’ve mentioned the thing all NYC white boys have for latina women before…we grew up slobbering over them in high school and mostly getting rejected so it’s a hard crush that doesn’t ever seem to go away. I don’t even think Judy Reyes is particularly that hot…but she’s got “it”. If I knew her in high school, I’d be that dude sitting at the lunch table with her trying to make her laugh while she’s just like “Oh my god, nigga, you are so corny.shut uppp!” all day…and I’d love it. This pick is simply just engrained in my DNA , it would seem.

F/M/K:Tarantino movies, Spike Lee movies, Michael Bay movies

Marry: Tarantino movies
Some people like to find reasons to hate on Tarantino movies. They try REALLY hard. Like I wish I could apply that much energy to anything. However, in general, they tend to be uber-annoying contrarians so fuck those people. I , for one, think he’s awesome. He went from someone who made really entertaining action/art films to someone who simply found his groove and now makes amazing exploitation films with great dialogue and acting. That’s kinda of the perfect movie. You can put on most of his films and any point and just watch them. They’re just extremely entertaining and well made. Sure, they have flaws but what marriage doesn’t?

Fuck:Spike Lee
This was actually a tough choice. Cause, if Michael Bay movies were a girl, they’d be a blonde with fake tits , flat stomach and vagina that hasn’t had hair on it since the 90′s. She’d also be a coke head though. With Spike lee, it’s a mixed bag. He’s made some good movies. he’s made some bad movies. And , more frequently, he’s made a good movie with a terrible ending. No director eats more shit in the last 15 minutes of his movies than Spike lee. It’s too bad too cause, when he’s good, he’s awesome. Anyway, I’d “Fuck” his movies cause they do have value and ,even though the end of the sex might be lame, at least the foreplay would be awesome. Where as if I were to fuck a Michael Bay movie, my asshole would probably end up getting fisted against my will and there would be explosions.

Kill: Michael Bay
Really, his movie would fuck me way before I could fuck it. So, in order to avoid that, i’mma kill him. He makes balls to walls, dumb, loud movies for people who like explosions. don’t get it twisted…he’s made a few good ones. But, for the most part, he makes fucking awful 2.5 hour long music videos with way too many slow motion shots of people walking away from expolosions. Killing his movies might hurt the film industry but I’m pretty sure the national IQ would raise a little bit as a result.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 27

Good day everyone. Time for another installment of fuck/marry/kill. You know the game. You’ve hung with frat boys who played it. Well, as a person who loves giving deeper thoughts to really stupid topics, this is my spin on it. As always, please don’t take any of this seriously. It’s all just for fun. I’m fully aware I have no right to actually choose who I fuck , marry or kill in any of these scenarios. It’s for fun, guys. Relax.
If you have nay funny ideas for fuck/marry/kill options, lemme hear them Please be creative. Avoid people like madonna, lady gaga, katy Perry ect…they’ve all be done endlessly. Either leave ideas in the comment section or mail them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com

Anyway, let’s get into it…

F/M/K: danielle fishel, kimmy gibler, Harriet from small wonder

Marry:Danielle Fishel
Little know fact for all you youngsters out there, any straight male who grew up in the 80′s and early 90′s has had some sort of crush on Topanga. It’s a truth that it not designated to any race, class or culture. It defies personal tastes. It just is. It’s funny cause I never even watched “Boy meets world” but I’m no different than the rest. I’d flip by it on TV and stop for a second like “hmm…I’d like to have sex with that slightly chubby, big lipped jewess”. So clearly, based on the strength of those formidable years, Fishel would be wifed. Not to mention, she looks better now than she ever has.
(Side note: If you’re planning on being that guy who writes in the comment section “Nah dude, she was always gross to me” please don’t. It’s not that I don’t believe you feel that way, I simply don’t give a fuck about your opinion)

Kill: Kimmy Gibler
Pretty easy choice here as she was seemingly created with murder in mind. She was too old to be precocious and too young to sexualized in any way that wasn’t totally gross. What she was, was a weird little freckled face annoyance. She reminded all of us of that one girl in class who we loathed deeply. The Kimmy Gibler I went to grade school with was named Maggie. She suuuuuuuuucked. I recently came across her facebook page and , surprisingly, she turned out to be a very attractive woman who married some soccer player dude. She has fake tits though so I feel like she probably still sucks on some level.

Fuck:Harriet from small wonder
(The picture above is all I could find. It certainly doesn’t help my case for this pick and it also makes me look like a total creep…just know I’m not)
This one is a personal choice but it’s cause there is a story behind it. For those who don’t recall, Harriet was the annoying next door neighbor girl/ginger on the show “Small Wonder”. She was Kimmy Gibler before Kimmy Gibler existed. However, one of my good friends lost his virginity to her when he was 13. He used to tell us stories about it and, I gotta say, as a teen, they resonated pretty deeply. Especially the parts about her huge tits. So, because of that, she’s always be a little sexier to me, even though she’s pretty unattractive in reality. Oh, and did I mention my friend who had sex with her was also a ginger? Thus disproving the theory that two gingers cannot have sex with one another without spontaneously combusting.

F/M/K:Coachella Girl, Burning man girl, SXSW Girl

Fuck: Coachella Girl
They’re a little hippie dippy for me and they wear those fucking rose garlands everywhere but I’m not blind. Girls at Coachella are hot. This is not debatable. I’ve never been but the pictures I’ve seen speak truths. It’s somewhere between Woodstock and Williamsburg. So, as much as that’s not really my type, I’d be full of shit if I were to say it’s not my penis’ type. Then again, my penis has never been that picky when it came to the fashion choices of whom it was inside. Truth be told, I’d probably bone a hot juggalo if she had a clean bill of health that could be proven emphatically to me on the spot.

Marry: SXSW girl
I think this pick is more due to the variety of girls at SXSW. There’s a little of everything there. So, really, by choosing a SXSW girl, I’m just leaving the door wide open for who I walk down the aisle with. It could be some hipster chick in cowboy boots, it could be some asian break dancer nerd, it could be some tatted up rock girl. You never know what you’re gonna get there. One thing is certain though, she’s probably gonna be fucking hammered on a regular basis.

Kill: Burning man girl
burning man hula girl curious josh
A few reasons for this one:
1)WAY too hippie-d out for me,
2)I don’t trust the hygiene practices of a girl who washing her body with hot sand for a week.
3)While they do have a nice “Free love” vibe, I’m not into the idea of getting caught up in some orgy with a girl covered in henna and a guy with earlobe gauges so big, I could fuck them (does that count as gay?).
4)I’m not into the whole road warrior meets a pixie clothing style they got popping off over there. Some of these girls are obscenely hot but it’s almost too much. It’s like raving in the apocalypse and I just don’t know if there’d be time for that if the shit actually hit the fan.
5) I’m simply not enough of a drug guy to even be in the same room with most of those people for any extended amount of time.

F/M/K:Fiona Apple, Lianne La Havas, Norah Jones

Fuck: Lianna La Havas
I was fully ready to kill her cause, truth be told, I’ve never heard of her…then I googled her and …well, goddamn. She’s beautiful. I figure, if I’m gonna be shallow and uninformed, this is that time. No clue what her music is like…for all I know it could sound like Macy Gray being beaten to death with a Ukelele. Not an issue. sometimes you just got to judge a book by it’s cover and this cover gives me a boner.

Marry: Norah Jones
She’s just so fucking marry-able. She’s super cute, seems cool and even has a good sense of humor. Also, I’m trying to get some of that Shankar money, son!
But for real, there’s really not much to dislike about her. Even her music , while not at all my shit, is respectable at worst. You go gurllll…

Kill: Fiona Apple
This was a tough choice and one I wish I didn’t have to make. I’m a huge fan of hers. I even knew her (from a far) in high school as she went to the night school that was in my high school and would work in the office during the day. I can’t stress enough how insanely hot she was back then (she’s still pretty currently but back then…goddamn). Like, “walk by the office 4 times for no reason to steal a peak” hot. So, know that between my love of her music, my respect for her as a musician and the fact I have some connection to her (Truth be told, I maybe said one word to her ever…she was too hot to talk to) That I do this with a heavy heart.
So, why? Why would I kill her? Well, partially by default. The other options simply are more appealing. But, more than that, I’d do it cause I get the feeling she’s kinda crazy. In fact, I think she’d admit to that herself. And while there is the idea that crazy people have better sex, I could see things getting really dark with her. I don’t do well with volatile people in general and she seems like the type who would scratch a motherfuckers eyeballs out over nothing but then go write an amazing song about it. So, while I’d be doing music in general a disservice with this choice, it’s the only way I could go. Thank god this game isn’t real though…cause I’d be a murderer and that’s a really bad look.

F/M/K Jazz, Classical, Blues
Kill: Classical music
I’m sorry…I’m a fucking heathen I know…but I simply cannot pretend to give a fuck about classical music. I’m aware of it’s importance and the genius behind it but I simply have no connection to it. When I listen it takes me to a special place…a place where i immediately pass out from boredom. So, sorry Bach! You getting chopped, brah.

Truth be told, I don’t listen to much jazz anymore. Mainly cause I don’t like much music without vocals. I love jazz with vocals though so that’s part of the reason I picked to marry it. But, beyond that, I do have fond memories of listening to all sorts of jazz back in the day (I was raised on the stuff) as well digging through records and pulling out samples from it. So, while I’m not as enamored with it as I once was, it’s still okay in my book. It certainly never annoys me. unless we’re talking free jazz…in which case, I’d kill that motherfucker quick. Cool track of you banging on a pot while tuning your upright bass , guy.

Fuck: Blues

The thing about the blues is that is can be powerful but, at the same time, it all kinda sounds the same after a while. For that reason, a one off works for me. One blues song can be life altering, 15 blues songs and you’re ready to actually sing the blues about how bored you are with the blues. It should also be noted that blues is one of the main influences on all popular music nowadays so there’s that too. But that’s kinda like saying “That girl is kind of attractive but her mom had a magical vagina so…I think I’ll hit it”. Well, yeah, I’m basically saying that.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 26

What’s up. it’s time once again for most peoples favorite column on my blog (and some peoples most loathed column): Fuck/Marry/Kill.
You know the rules. You know this is all in jest (so, please, don’t take any of this seriously). Last time I did it, I did the all “non-human” version but this week, we’re back to the basics. You may have to google a few names here (I sure as hell did) but , hey, that’s how we learn things.
If you got any good ideas for who I should fuck/marry/kill next, leave them in the comments below. All I ask is that you be creative. They can be anyhting really except men and people like Lady GaGa, Kreayshawn, Katy Perry, Zooey Deschanel and Madonna cause they have all been done to death. Step it up a little.
Let’s start of with a nice palette cleanser…

F/M/K:J. Lo, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara (now)

Marry: Salma Hayek
This is a brutally tough decision. All three of these women have not only aged amazingly but they’re proof that latin don’t be crackin’. Just kidding bout that last part. Latin cracks like a motherfucker but these three have amazing genes and trainers.
Maybe I’m just sentimental but Salma had a profound effect on me when I first saw her. That effect? She gave me a boner in a movie theater. Doesn’t sound like much but I was on a platonic date with a female friend and we were seeing “Desperado”. It was just, awkward. Luckily for me, she apparently felt the same way about Antonio Banderas.
Anyway, Salma has pretty much been the end all for me. Sure, she’s getting up there in years but she still looks great. It’s not wonder she only marries billionaires. It’s cause she got that billionaire vagina.

Kill: J-Lo
Listen. We’re splitting hairs here. J-lo looks incredible nowadays.
I don’t know how many virgins she sacrificed or how many placenta she eats a day but , whatever she’s doing, it’s working. That said, I had to make the tough call here and dead her. Why? Well…she’s a fucking cornball. Yup. I choose to end her over her personality. Pretty forward thinking of me. All I’ve heard about her for her entire career is that she’s a power starved asshole. After a while, you hear the same thing about one person enough it’s hard to deny that it’s probably true. So, I’m basically killing her over 8th generation gossip but it’s better than having no reason at all.

Fuck: Sofia Vergara
I choose Sofia to make sweet love to cause I can’t not choose her. Of the three, her english seems the most suspect, so marrying her might be a problem. I’m not gonna kill her cause, well, she’s not J-Lo. But, beyond all that, she’s insanely hot. This is a win/win/murder for me. I’ll also add that, at times, Vergara does look a very tiny bit masculine. Like she’d be one of those REALLY good Transexual hookers. I’ve seen some around my way that could fool anyone. Still, I’d have sex with her gladly. Don’t even know why I bought that last part up. In fact, let’s just pretend I didn’t.

F/M/K:Emma Goldman, Bonnie Parker, Gloria Steinem

Marry: Bonnie Parker
Man…I wish I could marry the movie version of her. Anyway…Still, I’ll take the old timey real life version of her. What do you need in a marriage? Loyalty. Commitment. Trust. Well, Mrs. Parker got that shit on lock. Sure, you might end up riddled with bullets but at least i’d go out like a soldier.

Fuck:Gloria Steinem
The thing about this pick is that, even in the make believe world this game exists in, I feel like she wouldn’t fuck me. But, hey, I make the rules here. Why would I choose her? Well, if I can be completely shallow, she was pretty hot when she was younger. But, beyond that, the thought of fucking Gloria Steinem is so out of the realms of reality that it’s actually kind of exciting. The down side is that, if it were to happen, from then on , every time someone would accuse me of being a sexist asshole on the internet I might be like “sexist? listen, I fucked Gloria Steinem!” which is kinda like a racist telling you about that one black guy she fucked in college.

Kill:Emma Goldman
I had to google this one. Two pics came up. Her old and her young. Her young was a cute, crazy eyed looking hipster. Her old was what Large marge from “Pee wee’s big adventure” sees in her own nightmares. So, I went with the earlier years for the above pic.
Turns out she’s an anarchist. That’s cool and all but I find those types of people care way too much about shit I don’t even think about. I feel like being around her and her people would be exciting for a fleeting moment then I’d be like “so, wait…you wanna burn what building down tonight? Can’t we just stay home and play card or something?”. So, I’m just killing her out of a distinct need to not want to partake with all her anarchist dealings. Not even cause I disagree with them but more cause I’m lazy and not motivated by injustice.

F/M/K Barbara Carrera, Asia Carrera and Tia Carrere (in their prime)

Marry: Tia Carrere
If you’re my age, “Wayne’s world” was kind of a big deal for you when you were younger. I doubt it’s aged well but , back then, I loved that shit. Part of that love is a strong teenaged lust aimed at Tia Carrere. She was one of the first asian girls you would really see in movies and on TV. So this was before all the white creeps in the world decided that asian girls were the end all of wifey material. I say that to remove myself from that group. Asian girls are hot…but dudes who specifically love them and only them are loser creeps. I’m marrying her for sentimental reasons and not cause I have a weird relationship with my own penis and hate women who have opinions. (not saying asian women don’t have opinions, just saying dudes that specifically date them and only them often seem to think they don’t and are attracted to that quality)

Fuck: Asia Carrera
I’d imagine this is a name that you either know of you don’t. If you watched porn in 90′s, you know it well. I LOVED me some Asia Carrera back in the day. She was a really good actress cause my teenaged brain legit thought she was one of those girls who actually enjoyed her work. Sure, I’m pretty sure that was me just hoping but sometimes that glimmer of a possibility is what separates a great porn star from a hot girl who is reluctantly having sex on film.
This was so long ago, they named the asian porn star “Asia” cause that name hadn’t been taken yet. How cool is that? It’s like wrestling in the early 80′s when any person of a non-white race would automatically have their entire personality based on that race. Ah…the good/terrible old days.
Also, she’s a pro. So there’s that too.

Kill: Barbara Carrera
Honestly, I had to google her. Still not sure what she does. She looks like an old model. Well..Sorry. She’s certainly a beautiful women but I don’t have any fond memories of her like I do the others to cling on to. Also, much like Sofia Vergara, she had a touch of manliness to her. I mean, sure, I’m digging deep for reasons to kill her in this predicament but that’s kinda what you have to do when playing the game “Fuck/marry/kill”. Without “kill”, it’s not the same game.


Fuck: Porn
I mean…what else am I gonna do with porn but fuck it? It’s sole purpose exists for me to do that. I’m not gonna try and put my dick the hole in a DVD but you get what I’m saying.

Dominique Wilkins dunks
Oh, sweet, sweet basketball. This one works in multiple ways cause I enjoy basketball on so many levels. For one, I play it all the time and it’s my main source of exercise. I need that in my life. Secondly, I love watching it. So it’s a constant source of entertainment when I’m not actually partaking in it. Thirdly, I play and obsess over fantasy basketball. Half the year I’m getting side eyed eye rolls from my girlfriend cause I’m glued to my computer like a crack fiend watching stat tracker tell me when Roy Hibbert gets another rebound. And finally, it’s a discussion piece amongst my friends and I. We could talk basketball for hours. So, you add all those things together and I’d throw a ring on that bitch no question.

Kill: Sandwiches
This would be tough. I love sandwiches. I eat them all the time. The reason I’m killing them is because, unlike porn and basketball, they’re not a necessity. There are tons of other foods out there that I love. So many, in fact, that I guess I could give up sandwiches for ever if I had to. I mean , shit, you gluten allergic motherfuckers do it all the time and I don’t even think gluten allergies is a real thing. The bottom line is there would still be enjoyable food in life without sandwiches. Meanwhile, no sport could replace basketball for me and no masturbation aid could replace porn. So, I gotta do what I gotta do here. Even though a little part of me would die inside to give them up. It would kinda be like the ending of Old Yeller. RIP GURLLLLL.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 25

So, the last time I did this, for the first time ever since starting this column, I forgot to preface this with a “this is all in fun and not serious”. Obviously, by forgetting it that one week, someone got offended and made an issue about how degrading this column is. While I get where they were coming from (on the surface, this is pretty offensive stuff) there is also context and intent to be considered and the idea of “joking around” in general. Anyway, that got me thinking, So, this week, I’mma try something a little different. I usually do three people based options and then a non-human option. This week, I’m flipping it. One human option and three “other”. So, let’s see how that goes…I’m really just hoping this doesn’t offend pancakes, baseball or rum.
Okay..let’s get into it. First up…PEOPLE.
F/M/K – Kima Greggs, Skyler White,Daenerys Targaryen

Kill: Skyler White
Obviously. She’s a woman I think every dude in a relationship who watches that show has wanted to kill for a while now. The fucked up thing is that she’s the victim in a lot of what’s going on yet still finds a way to strike a nerve as a cold hearted shrew. Again, this defies every thing going on in her situation but , somehow , some way, she’s just so completely unlikable. Even if her husband has lost his mind and become a poor man’s scarface with an inflated nerd ego on fire. She still sucks. DEAD.

Marry:Kima Griggs
I’m not a guy who’s particularly hung up on marriage. So, in a way, marrying a lesbian is ideal for me. We’d both be able to do our thing and enjoy our lives. Then we could watch WNBA together like buddies. Not to mention, Kima has decent taste in ladies. I’ve never been one who really gives a shit about watching girls hook up with each other but it wouldn’t be a bummer to come home to some hot black lesbian action every now and then. If for nothing more than the possible run off that comes from that.

Fuck:Daenerys Targaryen
I’m sure every dude is reading this and is like “WHY DIDN’T YOU MARRY HER?!?!?!?”. Well, good point. She’s the best. She’s super hot, kind hearted and controls fucking dragons. The reason I opt out of that life is that I feel like the longterm with her equals an early death. People are gunning for her at all times and being her side piece can only last so long before someone puts a sword through your face. Also, I feel like her vagina might have Lava in it or something.

F/K/M Pancakes , Bacon and Eggs or Cereal

Fuck: Bacon and Eggs
I feel so deeply about bacon and eggs that I might literally fuck them is they asked me right. Clearly, marriage would work too but I feel like the high cholesterol would kill me off fairly quickly. But, really, what’s better than a nice bacon egg and cheese sammy the morning after a night of careless drinking? Still, it’s not an every day thing. Kinda like sex after the age of 35.

Marry: Cereal
Funny thing is, I don’t really ever eat cereal. I love it and it’s variety is what made me choose it to wed but, really, I can’t recall the last time I ate it. You know why? Cause I hate buying milk and being pressured to finish it before it goes bad. It’s like you got a gun to your head to finish a carton of milk. What if I don’t feel like eating 3 bowls of cereal a day? Without fail, I’m always left with no milk and like 1/3 filled box of cereal I no longer desire OR some bad milk and like 3/4′s of a box of cereal. I figure, through marriage, this would be magically fixed. Like Marrying cereal might somehow create the perfect milk in the house to cereal in the box ratio. Maybe I’m dreaming…but let a man dream.

Kill: Pancakes
Eh, fuck a pancake. I mean, I’ll eat them but I’m not a fucking 4 year old. I don’t want dessert for breakfast. This isn’t “Bill Cosby Himself” and I don’t need chocolate cake before I brush my teeth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZlCPQur4hc
At best, I like to take a bite of someone else’s pancakes after I’ve eaten. just to get that sugar rush I desire after eating salty foods. Other than that? Fuck’em. Hang’em high.


Marry: NBA
It’s pretty much the only sport I actively watch and follow closely. Easily my favorite sport (and one of my favorite things in general). Why would I not marry it? I wish the NBA was year round. My girl would murder me cause she hates that I am addicted to fantasy basketball but, hey, she wouldn’t be my girl in this situation! Basketball would. And, I’ll tell you, Basketball would never complain to you about fantasizing about it. Basketball understands me.

Sorry. i don’t give a shit about Football. Never have. I didn’t grow up playing it so it never really resonated with me. FYI, I only fuck with sports I actually play. I play basketball. I’ve played tennis. I played little league for 7 years. Those are sports i can sit and watch on some level. Football? It’s a decent reason to eat wings but that’s about it. Still, it’s infinitely better than Soccer or Hockey. Sorry Canadians and people from every place other than the US. I hate your sports!
Side note: I actually did play soccer when I was a kid and I think I hate it even more because of that. It was like playing right field in softball for 3 hours at a time. And watching it is even more boring. It could use more decapitations.(JUST KIDDING!!!)

Fuck: Baseball
I’ve certainly lost interest in baseball over the last few years. I used to be obsessed with it but, i dunno…it’s a long ass season. It’s a long ass game. My home teams are both kinda whatever. That said, I will always have a small place in my heart for it. For that reason, I’d throw it a bone(r). I still enjoy playing MLB 2013 on my PS3 so that’s kinda like a porn version of the real thing. Quicker…more exciting. Surely I could scrounge up enough to throw it down one last time with a former lover.

F/m/K whiskey, vodka, rum

Fuck: Whiskey
Drunk baby
I like whiskey but it’s a once in a while kinda party for me. The dark liquor hurts the old mans soul the next day so a nice one off would suit me fine. Whiskey can be a fun drunk. It can also be a sloppy drunk. Two words that go nicely with sex. I only hope it wouldn’t cause Whiskey dick cause, man, wouldn’t that be ironic.

It’s my drink of choice. Sure, alone, it taste like rubbing alcohol. But it’s perfect for mixing. It’s light. It’s flexible. It’s one alcohol that you can really improvise with when it comes to mixers. All you got in your fridge is some flat diet coke and an orange? MAKE IT WORK. It’s reliable as well. While the hangover is no picnic, it’s also not a pussy drink. Sure, you can make a sissy cocktail with it but , personally, a little soda water and a lime suits me perfectly. I feel married to vodka already so this isn’t a big jump for me.

Kill: Rum
I had the worst experience of drinking in my life with rum. Granted , it was that spiced rum garbage but that fucking counts! To this day, when I see a captain morgan’s add, my stomach turns a little. Beyond that bad experience, I think rum sort of just exists to be drank on islands near sand. Drinking tropical drinks while standing in an irish sports bar on 37th street doesn’t really make sense to me. I pretty much only touch the stuff when it’s the only option. even then, I’m hesitant. So, sorry rum. You dead.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 24

Welcome to another stunning edition of “Fuck/Marry/kill” (read in Gordon Ramsey voice). Just a heads up, there are some NSFW pics coming up so be prepared to shut off your browser if your nosey boss/teacher starts looming.
in case you’re new to this game and/or this blog/universe, this is where readers send me in three names. I pick which one I would fuck, which one I would kill and which one I would marry and then explain why. Let’s assume there is a gun to my head and these are my only options. It’s a simple game being played by an even more simple man. If you’ve got any ideas for future F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section below. Just try and be creative cause I’m 24 volumes deep into this shit now and there’s a good chance I’ve already fucked, married or killed whoever you’re thinking of. Anyway, on with the shit show…

F/M/K: children’s hospital Edition: lake bell, erinn hayes, malin akerman

Fuck: Malin Akerman
Malin Akerman 13
Much like me, Malin Akerman has a big ass head. For that reason alone, us breeding would probably be a bad idea. The last thing the world needs is a another human that looks like a bobblehead doll. So, I’m not trying to marry her. However, she is a very hot girl who likes getting naked in her movies. This leads me to believe she’s a somewhat sexually liberated person. Every had sex with someone who’s “sexually liberated”? They let you do stuff. So, for that reason alone, I’m going with her to have sex with. Big head and all.

Kill:Erinn Hayes
She’s pretty. Without question. But sometimes a girl will remind you of someone else and it’ll be a big turn off. In her case, she reminds me of a girl I went to college with for one year. She was this ratty punk girl who had a big crush on me and was always very “forward” about it. While this sounds like a lay-up, sadly, I was not attracted to her. She had this really manly jaw line. A jaw line so manly, she was nicknamed “Goatjaw”. Yeah…it’s fucked up. I didn’t even come up with that name but it’s what we referred to her as. So, sadly, Mrs. Hayes reminds me of Goatjaw so I’m afraid she’s gotta be taken out back and slaughtered. Perhaps made into a jamaican stew or something.

Marry: Lake Bell
On the surface, Lake bell is a flawed but pretty jewess. But, being a man who watched that shit show “How to make it in america” on HBO, I know things that some of you may not know. Primarily, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRLS BODY?!?!?! Holy shit. I have never been more shocked by a nude scene in my life. I’m watching this scene and she pops her top off and…Silence. But you might be thinking “Okay, her body is next level but that’s no reason to marry her!”. You are correct. Beyond all that, she seems like a girl I’d get along with. A new york jew type. My people (not that I’m particularly jewish but I get along well with NY jew types). So, that plus the body? WIFED.

ATTENTION: IT’s about to NSFW up in the bitch!
F/M/K:Chick with a perfect (whatever that means to you) ass and nothing else good, A chick with perfect titties and nothing else good, A chick with a perfect face and nothing else good. (they all have great personalities, no kids, no baggage, etc.)

(This one’s for the feminists! just kidding but never forget that I don’t make these up. They’re submitted by my readers.)

Kill:Perfect titties
This is a brutal choice. Cause I’m imagining a gargoyle with perfect breasts. I think I chose this cause while, as awesome as perfect tits are, they don’t dictate other body parts. You can have perfect tits and the rest of your body might look like a bean bag chair. What I’m saying is that tits are often deceiving. I know plenty of guys who are obsessed with them who’ve gone home with girls cause they wore the right shirt that night, only to wake up realizing they just hooked up with this:
Never a good look.

Marry:Perfect Face
(This was the girl scientifically proven to have the “Perfect face”, fyi. Not sure if I agree but that was a real study that happened)
The thing about a perfect face is that you can work with it. It ages well. Certain types of beauty can last a long time. A dope body will eventually fail us all. But a face? It’s got legs. Also, considering that , in both the other cases, we could potentially be dealing with snaggle toothed pirate wenches, the idea of marrying someone you’d actually want to kiss is appealing. It’s not like you can just marry some tits or only give your beloved wife backshots for her entire life. Sometimes, you might actually wanna look her in the eyes. So, the face gets married.

Fuck: Perfect ass
I mentioned earlier how tits don’t dictate other body parts. well, asses do. A perfect ass is NEVER connected to a disgusting torso. It just isn’t. So, by having a perfect ass, I’m guaranteed a nice stomach, a nice back, and decent legs. That’s enough for me to have sex with. I’m pretty sure, in real life, I’ve slept with someone based on their lower torso. Of all the body parts, I think I have the most visceral reaction to a nice ass and flat stomach. It literally makes my mouth water. That said, in this scenario, I’m assuming that lower torso is attached to something truly horrifying but when you play Fuck/marry/kill, those are the stakes.

F/M/k:Annoying 90′s singer: Liz Phar, Sheryl Crow, Lisa Loeb.

Marry: Lisa Loeb

I think it’s in the DNA of most men to weirdly be attracted to girls that look like Lisa Loeb. Brown hair, dorky glasses, cute face. It’s pretty much the blueprint for hot hipster girls minus the stupid tattoos. It’s a surprisingly wife-able combo.
Also, she was never an angry type. She was more whiny. While that could pose a problem, I’m way more suited for eye rolling than I am for arguing so I’ll take whiny over angry any day.

Fuck: Liz Phair

I remember the first time I saw what Liz Phair looked like I was shocked. I had only heard her music and assumed she looked like Melissa Ethridge’s butthole. But no, she was actually a very normal looking, average white girl who could certainly be described as “pretty”. She’s a type of pretty that is very real. She’s a girl you’d see at a bar and gladly make out with with hopes of taking her home. She’s very safe in that way. In a way, she’s everyman’s “fuck”. A title, i’m sure ,she would vomit blood upon hearing.

Kill: Sheryl Crow

Sheryl Crow has continually been popping up on “Sexiest women” charts for over a decade now, much to the dismay of my brain and penis. She’s certainly not an ugly woman. She’s kind a pretty. Big teeth, strong jaw line. Shave her head and she’s be perfect in that Hillary swank movie about the girl who pretended to be a boy.
I don’t know…she’s just not sexy to me at all. Maybe it’s her hippie undertones that make me feel like she probably smells weird or it’s the fact that she’s looked like a really well preserved 45 year old since she was in her 20′s. Either way, somebodies gotta die tonight…

F/m/K: grape soda, orange soda, ginger ale

Marry: Ginger Ale
I’m not a huge soda guy. Maybe it’s cause I’m an adult and there are always other options. Who knows? However, Ginger Ale is 100% my go-to soda. Did you know there are parts down south where they don’t typically carry ginger ale? What the fuck is that about? I once had someone make me ginger all out of random shit they had at the bar. Like pepsi and bitters. It almost tasted right but not quite. Regardless, I’d marry the fuck out of Ginger ale.

Kill: Orange Soda
What kind of ingrate drinks orange soda past the age of 13? In a world of fake tasting beverages, orange soda is king. It tastes as much like oranges as tofu tastes like steak. Let’s be honest, in terms of sweet things, orange is the perennial loser. It’s the last starburst you eat. It’s gross on cakes. You’d rather eat a loaf of vomit than get those weird orange rind candies. They don’t even make pies out of it. Oranges are good for three things: Juice, Orangina and as a stand alone fruit. MAYBE sorbet. But otherwise? GTFOH orange soda.

Fuck: Grape Soda
I know you’re thinking that everything I just wrote about oranges could be applied to grapes. Well, you’re kinda right. Except grapes make wine. I don’t even like wine but I’m sure some of you do so hopefully that’ll make this choice easier to swallow for you. I chose to fuck grape soda for one reason: Every now and then, I get a hankering for a grape soda. I don’t know why. It’s something that happens maybe once every 2 years but when it hits? shit. I NEED that fake ass grape taste in my mouth immediately. It’s like a pregnant woman’s craving. So, that alone wins it for me.