Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 42

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Hi there. Welcome to another beloved/loathed edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s dumb as fuck. But that’s why I do it. If you wanna send me in some options, go for it. Just get creative cause I’ve done a ton of those already. Lady gaga and Katy Perry submissions are not going to cut it.
Leave them in the comments below.
As always, i’d like to preface this with a “This isn’t serious so don’t take it that way” warning. I’m don’t actually wish to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/place/things. I mean, sure, i’d fuck a few of them but it ends there, i swear!
Let’s see what we got this time around…

F/M/K: The “Real Names of Celebrities” Edition-
Demetria Gene Guynes (DEMI MOORE)
Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong (DIDO)
Eileen Regina Edwards (SHANIA TWAIN)

Marry: Shania Twain
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I have this thing where my brain doesn’t compute certain genre’s of women sexually. Country singers has been one of those for a while. Excluding Dolly parton, of course. I can look at Carrie Underwood and see that she’s a hot blonde girl but there’s something about that country singer attitude that just doesn’t click with me. Enter Shania Twain and that theory flies out the window. Maybe cause her look harkens back to a time or reading maxim magazines while taking a dump in the 90’s? Whatever it is, it’s working for me. That and I’d just like to ask her , repeatedly, what she was thinking when she made that song “That don’t impress me much” cause, wow…

Kill: Dido
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I honestly had forgotten what Dido Looked like until googling her for the pic above. Turns out she was really cute. Man, that totally slipped through the cracks, huh? I suppose it makes sense considering she was at peak popularity during the highly sexualized Britney spears years. As pretty as she was (is?) , there was a prudish vibe to her that clearly didn’t leave a lasting impact on my brain. Looking at her now, she’s certainly marriage material but, i dunno…Those 1990’s memories hold some weight. And she has the word “Cloud” in her original name. That’s just dumb. Sorry. Dead.

Fuck: Demi Moore
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I’d just like to point out that her birth name is brutal. Gene Guynes. That sounds like a drag queen name. I don’t know where she pulled “Demi Moore” from but I’m not mad at the switch. Her parents were assholes.
Anyway, Demi Moore has been my shit since the 80’s, so the nostalgia in my penis is guiding me with this one. While I prefer her pre-surgury , the fact she’s maintained hotness after 50 years is amazing. I wouldn’t wanna marry her but fucking her? That’s an achievement we can all get on board with, right? Ashton knows what I’m talking about!

F/M/K: The Canadian Edition-Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver

Fuck: Montreal
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Unlike a lot of U.S. citizens, I think Cqnada has a lot to offer. In particular, these three wonderful cities. I like them all a great deal. But, in F/m/k, you gotta make tough choices.
I choose to fuck Montreal for a few reasons. First off, it’s an amazing city that reminds me of Greenwich Village, where I grew up. Except, it’s full of french canadians. That’s a bit of a bummer. So, While I love visiting it and hanging there, i can’t say I’d wanna live there full time. I’m simply terrible at learning languages and I don’t ever feel comfortable in places where I have to sheepishly speak english to everyone. So, by fucking Montreal, i get to enjoy it but I don’t have to stay forever. Also, I’d wanna fuck Montreal cause I literally want to fuck montreal. Pound for pound , some of the hottest women I have ever seen. Maybe I’m a sucker for a pouty french bitch face but, goddamnit, if they don’t deliver, I don’t know who does.

Marry: Toronto
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As a New Yorker, I can’t help but compare all other cities to mine. It’s my favorite city so, the more similar the city is to NYC, the more I tend to like it. Toronto is pretty close in many ways. It’s far more sterile, way less active and in Canada but parts of it legit feel like it could be an extension of manhattan. To me, if I had to chose, I’d wanna be up in that full time. It’s a city like that that I can relate to. I also tend to like people from Toronto so there’s that too. Oh, and it’s so close to michigan! What a bonus! (just kidding about that last part)

Kill: Vancouver
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Like I said, I like all these cities. Vancouver is awesome. But, of the three, it’s the one that grabs me the least. Probably cause it’s on some northwest shit. It’s a little too spread out, a little too “eh bro, you like kind bud?!?!” for my taste. Not to mention that area where all the junkies are? Fucking gross. Don’t you guys have street sweepers out there? Problem fixed.
I love visiting it and playing in it but, I dunno. This one just loses by default. Let’s be honest, if the shit ever really hits the fan in the US and San Fran is outta my price range, I’d gladly live in any of these places before I lived somewhere else in the US. But that’s just me. Oh, Canada.

F/M/K: All the actresses who played Carrie- sissy spacek, Angela bettis, Chloe grace moretz

Kill: Angela Bettis
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Who? She must have been in the sequel. Well, a quick google search shows me all I need to know. She looks vaguely familiar as a character actress. Anyway, not into it at all. She looks like a mormon Sandra Bernhardt. Just not my steeze. Sadly, she dies for wrong reasons here but in F/M/K, there rarely are right reasons for any of the choices you make.

Fuck: Sissy Spacek
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I’m assuming we’re judging these from the era the movies were made. I’m hoping we are.
Spacek was a weird brand of cute back then. She had an unborn gerbil look to her but she was certainly pretty. I can’t say she was oozing sexuality but, considering the other choices, I had to play this safe. She’s got a farmers daughter quality that is kinda hot but there is something about her that’s not all there. Can’t really put my finger on it. Luckily, I wouldn’t be marrying her so whatever that thing is, it would not be my problem!

Marry: Chloe Grace Moretz
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Okay, you jerks. I know she’s under age. She’s a kid. Thus, i would not fuck her. At the same time, I’m not gonna kill her either. The best I can do is marry her, let her age a few years and then see what happens. It’s really the only option. I would sooner just adopt her but that just sounds like some Woody Allen shit. These picks got me in a funny position. I should really google her age before I continue…hold up (googling)
Oh wait…she literally turned 18 a few weeks ago. That makes this slightly less terrible. it’s still bad cause, let’s be honest, she’s a child to me no matter how old she is, but at least it’s not illegal. Again, i just wanna clarify that she is way too young for me and, in reality, i would never ever even consider it an option. Not to mention, her dad might be my age so imagine how grossed out she’d be by all this. Let’s just move on and forget this ever happened…

F/M/K: Reading Novels-Learning Languages-Watching Soccer

Marry: Reading Novels
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I hate reading. It bores the life out of me. Even before the internet and smart phones, i couldn’t sit with a book unless I had absolutely no other option. That said, of these three choices, it is the one that I could see myself learning to enjoy if I had to. I think what sells it to me is that there are so many options. I imagine if the day came where reading novels just clicked with me, a whole world of pleasure would be opened up to me. I mean, shit, there are millions of books to read. Variety is the spice of life. It would be like having an open relationship…but with books. You fucking nerds.

Fuck: Watching Soccer
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Much like reading, soccer bores the life out of me. I’ve played it. I’ve watched it. It’s slow and tedious. Yes, there are flares of excitement. Awesome things do happen. But, overall, people can blather on all they want to about the beauty and elegance of the sport but it’s not for me. However, I’m a guy who , if forced, can watch most sports. When the world cup comes around, I will often find myself forced to watch some Soccer. If i actually pay attention to it, I can see why people like it. I still think it’s totally boring but I get it. I can definitely see the skill and strategy in it. So, for a night, i could definitely spend the evening balls deep in a soccer match. I could maybe even do a week of it. Just not a lifetime.

Kill: Learning Languages
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I’m just bad at this. I took spanish 2 for 3 years and never passed. My brain doesn’t pick up other language. Strangely enough, i’m great at accents but words, conjugations and all that other shit? Nope. It’s as if my brain just shuts off the second someone starts to teach me anything. It’s too bad cause I would like to be able to sit on the train and understand what people are saying. But i’m not about put all that work into something just for the eavesdropping benefits. whoever picked these three choices is pretty funny and definitely pays attention to shit I’ve said in the past. Well played and go fuck yourself.

Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 41

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It’s a new year and “fuck/Marry/Kill” rolls on. It’s a game you either love or hate. Hopefully, the former.
As always, let me preemptively say this is all for laughs. I don’t really want to kill or marry any of these people. Please try your best to put your self righteous college aged outrage to the side for a moment and just except this for what it is: A dumb joke. We’re all equal. We are all special flowers. Blah blah blah.
On another note, if you have any good ideas for people/things/places I should Fuck/marry/kill, let me have them. Leave them in the comment section below.
Okay, let’s pop it off and remember, it’s all love (kind of).

F/M/K: Sammi Sweetheart, Farrah Abraham, Lauren Conrad

Marry: Lauren Conrad
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Aside from always thinking she was cute, she’s the only one of these three I don’t actively loath. Sure, she’s a made up person from reality TV and is very likely equally awful as the other two rodeo clowns in this selection but, at least from a perspective of how they presented themselves on tv, her worst faults are being dumb and mildly petty. Not ideal wifey material but , let’s be honest, I could do a lot worse too.

Fuck: Sammi Sweetheart
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Sammi is one the quintessential catholic school girl grown up. She puts sex on a pedestal, for about a week, then gives it up in what I imagine to be the most extreme of ways. Not to be confused with Farrah abraham , who literally gives up the butthole on film, I’m more talking about a passion. She’s all “I’m a good girl, I’m a sweetheart!” but then she goes and has sex with steroid pumped gorillas with no game whatsoever. I don’t know why that makes me pick her for sex and I also realize I’d be the weakest man she had ever let touch her by a long shot but, you know, there’s a challenge in that. Maybe the gentle touch of a weakling is what she’s been waiting for all her life.

Kill:Farrah Abraham
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Yes, I’ve seen her porn. It was…umm…graphic. That’s somebodies mother, guys! hahahahaha
This is a case of where the “kill” is actually doing the world a favor. She is possibly one of the least savory human beings to ever throw themselves in front of a camera. Truly awful. She’s also made herself look like deformed joy doll so it’s not like the moral obligation to make her extinct is fighting my dick being like “But she’s hot, bro!”. Nope, this is the rare case of f/m/k where it might actually be justified. Not to be too grim, but there will probably come a time in our life when Farrah Abraham dies prematurely and not even twitter will be able to send condolences with a straight face.

F/M/K: Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy

Fuck: Santa Claus
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Duh. He’s a giver. And not a cheap giver. He gives you whatever you asked for. He will supply a life of joy. Also, he’s thick.
Santa is the ultimate made up guy. He’s like the superman of imaginary friends. He can do anything. It’s almost not fair. Unless you’re a jew…then I suppose marrying Santa might be an issue. I’m only half jewish so I think it would work. Stranger things have happened though.

Fuck: The tooth fairy
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The thing I like about the tooth fairy is that he/she rewards you for your pain and let’s you know that you’re growing up. I remember when my baby teeth would fall out. Some would go easy. Others would hang by a thread for weeks until I had to yank it out with my bare hands and swallow a mouthful of blood. The Tooth fairy understood this pain and , in exchange, left a few quarters. Sure, that’s a bit on the cheap side but when you’re like 4 years old (is that how old you are when teeth fall out?) that might as well be a million dollars. The only downside of the tooth fairy is that, if you think about him/her, it’s some creep with like a million pounds of kids teeth saved up. Which really does sound like some serial killer shit.

Kill: The easter bunny
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The easter bunny is smug. He’s all like “Oh, you want some eggs? Well, I’mma hide them. But first, go to church all morning”. FUCK THAT NOISE. First of all, my dudes santa and the tooth fairy deliver me goods directly to home. Money and gifts. What are you offering me? Some fucking ornate hard boiled eggs? woopty fuckin’-doo. I can go to the corner store and buy like 10 of those for 2 bucks…but I wouldn’t ever do that cause who needs that many hard boiled eggs? The whole “bringing food” thing is suspect to me and can easily go awry. Honestly, if we’re getting food, I’d rather someone bring me a freshly cooked rabbit. That would be delicious.

FMK- in their prime foxy brown, little kim, nicki minaj

Fuck: Nicki Minaj
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Hey, you know what? Nicki Minaj is the hottest. Talk all you want about her fake butt and tits, her poor fashion choices and her annoying voice but, goddamnit, I love her face. She’s like a cartoon in her hotness. My only issue with her would be the reality that I probably could do no damage to her sexually on any level. But it would be my honor to try as hard as I could. Seriously, there aren’t many female rappers I wanna have sex with more than her. Trina in her prime, maybe? That’s it. Nicki is the pinnacle. Also, I hate her music.

Kill: Foxy Brown
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I’ve never for a moment liked Foxy Brown. Musically or physically. Her face always looked like a sea turtle with a stroke to me and she just seemed unclean at all time to me. She even had a great body in her prime but it just never took with me. Did she have a lazy eye? Even if she didn’t, it felt like she did. Maybe cause she looks like forrest whitaker with a vagina.
Anyway, I also despise her rapping. She was corny and had the voice of a male child. That one song where she breaks down the math of selling drugs was a low point in late 90’s rap to me (and that era has LOTS of low points). Foxy has always been just kinda gross to me. It’s an easy choice.

Marry: Lil’ Kim
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In her prime, Lil Kim was adorable. Spunky, cute and a total dirt bag. I don’t know how she transformed into Mr. Mistoffelees from “Cats!” but it’s a bummer to see. Aside from her physical traits, I’ve always felt Kim was one of those extremely loyal ladies as well. She’d have your back. To a fault, even. I bet she put up with some pretty horrendous shit while dating Biggie but she stuck by him…as his ultimate side piece. Well, with me, it would be time for the big leagues. A wedding and all. Also, she’s my favorite rapper of the bunch by far.

F/M/K- Bed Bugs, Cockroaches, Rats!

Fuck: Cockroaches
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This was an awful selection to fuck you to whoever came up with it. Seriously…terrible.
But, if i HAD to pick one of these to fuck, I’mma go with roaches. I don’t like them, but I can live with them. I’ve had variations of them in every house I’ve ever lived in and it’s nothing new. Not on some “Joe’s apartment” shit but , you know, a few here and there. They don’t bother me nearly as much as rats. That’s for sure. So, I’mma throw a good fucking on some roaches.

Kill: Rats!
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Without hesitation. Just googling the word “rats” to find the pic above sent waves of panic through my system. I cannot live around rats. They’re huge, they eat stuff and they can climb walls. unlike roaches, I don’t feel comfortable stomping a rat to death. It might survive the beating and comeback for revenge. Mice, I’m down with, Woulda married them in a heart beat. But rats? DEAD. ALL OF THEM.

Marry: Bed Bugs
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This one is specific to me and I realize, for most people , they’d be the “Kill”. understandably so. They ruin lives. However, there’s a chance I’m not allergic to their bites. I don’t know this for sure but, a while back, some friends and I went to the woods and the hotel we we stayed at had a bed bug problem. Both the people I was with, who stayed in the same hotel as me, got eaten alive. I did not. Granted, i was in a different bed than them but the fact I came out clean either means I’m the luckiest man alive (which is possible) or I’m not effected by bed bug bites. So, there is a strong chance I’m wrong about this and would be entering into a marriage of true despair BUT, if i’m right, i just beat the system. I would be taking these three horrific things and making one a non-factor. It’s really a dice roll but I’m not marrying a fucking rat. EVER.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 40

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Hello and welcome to your favorite (or most hated) column, Fuck/Marry/Kill. You know the game. we’ve all played it. It’s dumb as fuck. That’s why we do it.
As always, I feel obligated to preface this with “This is not serious. If you’re offended by this than I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just for fun and i can assure you I don’t really wanna kill or marry any of these things/people. I’d fuck a bunch of them though. The only reason I don’t do men is cause I want to not fuck them all equally so, please, take this all with a grain of salt”.
Anyway, if you got some interesting F/M/K options, leave them in the comments. Get creative cause I’ve been doing this for a while. No madonna, katy perry, lady gaga etc…get weird.

F/M/K-Mary-Louise Parker, Mary J Blige, Mary-Kate Olsen

Marry: Mary Louise Parker
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I think “Weeds” kinda sucked but, when they casted it, they nailed it. She’s a subtle sexy older lady. I remember seeing her in movies in the 90’s and not thinking much of her then , all of a sudden, she’s over 40 and hotter than ever. That’s not something you can say about many people. I’ve always felt the “life begins at 40″ saying was bullshit. I’m nearing 40 and my life is pretty much over. At least the fun stuff , so fuck all that noise. But I digress…MLP seems like a great wife. And she’s proven that she ages well…way better than I will, that’s for sure.

Fuck: Mary J Blige
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I chose her for two reasons.
1)Sex with Mary J Blige would be nuts. She’s been through some shit. Like real inner demons and awful life decisions type shit. I’d like to think that all comes out during sex …in a good way. It would be emotional and maybe a little scary but, hey, she’s just Mary!
2)She’s mary J Blige. How funny and awesome would that be to have on the hit list? Like someone is bragging about how they boned some model once and you could be like “Oh word? I boned Mary J. Blige…recently!” No one could front on that. Not cause she’s some amazing catch (though she is definitely attractive) or anything but because, she’s just Mary.

Kill: Mary-Kate Olsen
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I had to google this to see if she was the froggy looking one or the really froggy looking one. Didn’t matter (she’s the really froggy one, fyi). While a case could be made for marrying this one for the money alone, I’m simply not that shallow. I’ve never got their appeal. Maybe it’s cause I remember when they were babies on “Full house” but I don’t think that’s it. I like petite girls as much as the next guy but super skinny, pekingese looking troll dolls? Nah, bro. These two are simply don’t work for me. I’d feel like pedophile having sex with them and I’d feel like their dad if I married them. Oh well…

F/M/K Men’s fashion edition:flannel shirts, those beards, tight pants

Kill: Tight Pants
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Holy shit do I miss the fashion of the 90’s. Not cause it looks better but cause it feels better. I’m a man with thick legs. My calves are like ovals. Because of this, tight pants don’t work for me. They’re uncomfortable. Not only do they limit my movement and crunch my nuts, they also always fuck with my phone in my front pocket. I’m the buttdial king. I once tweeted…from my pocket. It was two pictures in my phone and some gibberish. That would have never happened in 1997. I’d sooner lose my phone in my deep pockets. And I don’t even wear jeans that are that tight. You skin tight motherfuckers boggle my mind. I just assume you hate your penis.

Fuck:Flannel Shirts
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I have this childish thing where I don’t like wearing shirts with buttons. I don’t know where it came from but it’s remained in my head since I was a kid. I never wear Flannel Shirts. I don’t even own one. I guess I always equate it to Joey Lawrence on “Blossom” or grunge music which I never gave a flying fuck about.
But, I’d be willing to try it once. Why not? Maybe I’d like it. Basically, flannel shirts are like ass play for me. Not what I’m looking to try but, if the choices are limited enough, I guess I’d give it a whirl.

Marry: Beards
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I think beard culture is stupid. Like those “beard” contests they have are the dumbest shit on earth outside of over zealous weed enthusiasts and people who care too much about wine (but at last wine and weed fuck you up a little). I also think the fact any chinless goon can grow a beard and all of sudden get tons of girls is ridiculous. That said, I’m the son of a man with an amazing beard and I have a chin. So, personally, I’d sooner be a beard guy than any of these other things. My beard game is mediocre though. I can grow one but it takes forever. But, of the three options, I can see me having one at some point in my life. Until then, I’ll just keep going with the scruff cause it’s easy. And that’s what it’s all about.

F/M/K:Mean Girl Actors – Amanda Seyfried / Lacey Chabert / Rachel McAdams

Marry: Amanda Seyfried
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She is one of my favorites. It’s funny cause, when “Mean girls” came out, she was like the forgotten girl. No one really spoke about her. A decade plus later and she’s easily the most successful of the bunch and, in my opinion, the hottest too. I’ve seen her in interviews as well and she’s very likable. Kinda weird. I like that. Sure, she has huge alien eyes and is almost translucent but she makes it work. I dunno…there must be a girl in my past who was like her cause she pushes my buttons. WIFE WIFE WIFE!

Fuck: Lacey Chabert
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This was tough. I think Mcadams is way hotter than Chabert. In fact, it’s not even close. McAdams is straight up beautiful. However, we’re talking sex here. Little know fact: Guys are terrible human beings and what turns us on sexually will not always make sense.
Chabert looks like a mean girl. She’s got resting bitch face. She also has an insane body.I dunno…to me…that just is sexy. I hate that my brain sees that and likes it but it does. I can’t help it. It’s just how I’m wired. Maybe it’s the subconscious desire to want to win over the mean girl exterior. Maybe it just seems more exciting. I suppose this is a similar psychology to when good girls date assholes.

Kill: Rachel McAdams
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Like I said, she’s beautiful. The prettiest girl of the bunch. She even seems sweet. But, I dunno…there’s something non-sexual about her. I feel like I’ve slept with girls like her and it’s always pretty meh. On the other hand, she’d make a great wife too, right? Probably. But, in this case, she came up against someone in Seyfried who is just a personal favorite of mine. So , regrettably, gotta kill her. It shouldn’t have to be like this though. *pours out a little liquor*

F/M/K: Fishing/Hunting/Kayaking

Kill: Kayaking
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Honestly, I’d kill all three of these fucking things. I have zero interest in all of them so I’mma work my way from the bottom.
I will never be this brand of white person.
I’m not X-treme. Not even close. I don’t ever really like nature that much. I’m not about boats of any kind.The smaller they get, the less I’m about them. So you put me in a floating fucking coffin on some rocky rapids? FUCK THAT SHIT. I’d rather be on a cartoon raft made of 8 logs tied together going over a waterfall. I get that you outdoorsy types get a rush from this but not only does it look like hell on earth but it also looks exhausting. I’m good on this one. I’ll just sit it out and lounge by whatever campsite we got set up. They got wifi in the woods?

Fuck:Hunting
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Look at this asshole. Ughh…
I don’t like killing things with bones in them. When there’s a mouse in my house, my girl handles it. I can do the insects but she takes care of the mammals.
So, hunting would not be easy for me. I’m simply not violent like that. That said, it would be cool to shoot weapons at stuff. Now, if this hunting is more some hand to hand combat kinda shit, I’d have major issues. I’m not trying to run up on an elk and stab it to death with a rambo knife. But if I got a gun or some arrows? That might actually be kinda fun. I’d do it once for sure. Maybe even get some good venison out of it. Shout out to venison.

Marry: Fishing
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This was easy. Why? Cause fishing is bullshit and sitting on a big boat or a dock getting drunk while holding a stick is the lesser of three evils. I’ve fished a few times in my life. It was boring and completely uneventful…and I’m okay with that. It’s like my life at home if you took away all the tv’s and computers. Not saying it’s an ideal situation but I can certainly roll with the punches on that one. Also, i love fish so, on the off chance i caught one, I’d b psyched to eat it…after someone else cleaned it and cooked it, of course.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 39

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Whattup everyone. Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. however, as always, I must remind you that this is not meant to be taken seriously. If you find it offensive, just know that I am well aware that I have no right to fuck, marry or kill any of these things/places/people. The only reason I don’t do men is cause it would be a three way tie for who I wanna fuck the least, every time.
So, yeah, lighten up. Also, if you got some creative ideas for Fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. I can’t stress the “creative” part enough. Get wild.

F/M/K:Scarlett Johansson in Ghost World, Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation, Scarlett Johansson in Match Point

Marry: Scarlett in “Lost in Translation”
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I gotta say, these options are pretty obviously laid out. Each character represents a different side of sweet sweet Scarlett. In the case of “Lost in translation” she plays a under appreciated young wife. She’s thoughtful and in love but her husband is Giovanni Ribisi, so…you know, nuff said. Her character is pretty much written as the perfect wife. Even though the whole movie is about her finding a common bond with an older man , forming an emotional connection with him and (SPOILER ALERT) kissing him in an almost platonic way. She only does it cause her husband pushed her to it. I can get behind that. She’s okay in my book.

Fuck: Scarlett in “Match Point”
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Simply put, she’s just a hot little sexpot in this movie. There’s nothing more to it. To be honest, I had a friend tell me about her in this movie and , whenever it’s on cable I just check to see if she’s on screen. If she isn’t, I change the channel. So, in a sense, I’ve “seen” this movie about 20 times but never from start to finish , yet I have a faint idea of what it’s about. Basically, I’ve perused it much like I would an old porn VHS tape. From what I’ve seen, she looks amazing in this movie. So, this choice is fairly easy. Fuck fuck fuck.

Kill: Scarlett in “Ghost World”
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This is early scarlett. I’m not even sure she was over 18 at this point. I remember watching this movie and barely even noticing her. She wasn’t yet there, which is a good thing cause she was a child and I don’t need those guilty thoughts on my conscience.
In the movie, she plays a husky voiced girl who is drifting apart from her quirky and somewhat irrational best friend. Honestly, the thing I remember most about her is her voice. She’s a baritone. Add that to the underage thing and it’s an no brainer.
Side note: I do feel bad “killing” a teenager but that’s the name of the game.

F/M/K:Words-“Basic”, “Hipster”,“Selfie”

Marry: “Basic”
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I love that this word means what it means. For so long the world has needed a single word that could cover so much ground. A catch all generalization. Most people are “basic”. Meaning simple and uninteresting. They go along with whatever happens around them cause they’re too dumb or self involved to even bother questioning things. The only downside of this word is that it gets used by everyone so freely it’s become one of those words that will eventually lose it’s meaning. Kinda like hipster. Everyone is basic to someone else. Somewhere out there, a juggling drag queen , physicist who owns a bait and tackle shop in the himalayan mountains is being called “basic” by some salty hater who, in all reality, it’s probably pretty basic.

Kill: “Selfie”
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Obviously. We, as a race of humans, are the worst. Selfies represent many facets of why we are the worst. Now, to be clear, I’m not even that bothered by them. In fact, if you’re a hot girl, don’t ever stop taking them. Just know that , as pleasing as they can be to the eye, they do speak of a silent desperation, desire to be liked and loneliness.
Beyond the actual seflies, the term “selfie” has become like the word “literally” in it’s misuse. It now means any picture taken by anyone of any number of people. I think as long as someone is holding the camera and taking the picture of themselves and whoever else is with them, it qualifies as a “selfie”, which makes no sense. That’s like calling an orgy “masturbating”.

Fuck: “Hipster”
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I don’t really know how this one lands on “fuck” but it’s pretty much by default. I feel as though Hipster is no longer a useful term cause it means everything and everyone. Basically, If you’re a person between 15-40 and you pay attention to anything involved in the pop culture stratosphere in the slightest capacity, you are a hipster. I’m a hipster. You’re a hipster. Your dad might be a hipster. Clearly, it’s not a select group like it used to be. It’s also turned into a derogatory term for any one who someone feels tries too hard…which is ironic considering that actual hipsters, by nature, are all about trying too hard. They’re all about being the first to know about something and, in general, being ahead of the social curve. You know who the real hipsters are? Crazy right wing separatists. Mark my word, when the the economy collapses and shit starts hitting the fan, they’ll be the ones in their homemade bunkers like “I was about this revolution lifestyle , like, forever…”

FMK: Andie MacDowell, Frances McDormand, Mary Steenburgen

Kill: Frances Mcdormand
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Even though she’s , by far, my favorite actress of this bunch , I’m still a flawed and shallow man. I don’t want to kill her. Not even a little bit but in this fucked up game, there always has to be one. As talented as she is, she’s just not someone I would ever want to put my penis inside (I’m sure the feelings mutual so i don’t feel that bad). This is 100% based on physical traits and I’m ashamed…but i’m also not a liar.

Fuck: Andie Macdowell
Andie MacDowell
I can’t say I’ve ever been too attracted to Andie Macdowell. She’s made a career of being the sweet and relatable pretty southern lady that dates dudes in their 40’s. As a man inching towards my 40’s, I suppose it’s time I submit and just accept that Andie macdowell is a good pull for an older man (or, I should say, the Andie Macdowell of the 90’s). She’s certainly not an ugly lady. She’s very pretty in that “I don’t care what her vagina looks” kinda way. There’s a definite lack of sexual oomph from Mrs Macdowell. But, hey, if she’s good enough for Steve martin and Bill Murray (in movies), She’s surely good enough for me.

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
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Check this out…She’s low key kinda hot. Very low key. Look at the pic above. I bet you didn’t know that whole thing was working like that, did you? Not only that, as a wife, she seems like she’d be amazing. She’s sweet, warm and just looks like how I imagine a wife looks for an older man. She’s one of those older women who , as a younger man, you never even consider as “attractive” cause they’re so much older than you but, as a full grown adult, i can see it. She’s a sneaky one.

F/M/K Asia, Africa, Europe (the continents, not 80s bands)

Marry: Europe
europe-english-teaching-abroad-map1This is a fucked up one. I should note that I don’t create these options. They are sent in from readers.
So, yeah…I’mma marry Europe. Why? Cause I’m of european descent , I’ve been there a bunch of times and it makes sense to me. I’m sure there are a grip of you out there fondling your lame dicks to the idea of marrying Asia (cause you’re asia-phile creeps) but, to me, I’m all about comfort and simplicity. I may not understand what people are saying in many parts of europe but, for the most part, it still feels like planet earth to me. The signs are in english letters (Except far east), the food is amazing and varied , and the women are just like the food. I dunno if i could ever truly live in another country but , if I did, it would undoubtedly be somewhere in europe.

Fuck: Asia
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I really don’t have a deep desire to go anywhere in Asia. Not saying I wouldn’t, but there’s nothing in me that’s dying to get out there. It should also be noted that I’m also not a person who loves traveling. I do it so much in my normal life that the thrill is gone. That said, I’d do it. So “Fucking” asia makes perfect sense. I’d be most excited about the food cause, let’s face it, asian food is pretty much the best. Other then that, I’m far too much a creature of comfort to ever truly feel at home out there. I had enough trouble feeling chill in eastern europe , let alone a continent with like 100 billion people who don’t speak english and are constantly on the go. Admittedly, I’m the selfish asshole here and i bet the continent of asia is fucking amazing but, hey, no ones perfect.

Kill: Africa
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This one is just setting me up for a backlash. It’s a lose/lose.
I just wanna clarify that Africa is the mother of civilization and , in many ways, the most important continent in earth’s history. None of us would be here without Africa. But this isn’t about history. It’s about the reality of what place ‘d want to marry, fuck or kill. I have ZERO interest ever going there. I’m simply just not that kind of adventurous dude. Some people want to explore foreign lands and experience other cultures. Me? i just wanna eat good food and take it easy. I mean, perhaps if I was a wild life enthusiast or something but, I’m not. I think that Africa is just place that doesn’t speak to my personal interests. All the good things about it are things that don’t really excite me as a destination. Also, civil unrest and disease are not my bag so, regrettably, I would have to kill africa.

Fuck/Marry/Kill vol. 38

Gold Silver Bronze

Hi there! This is exactly what it looks like. A simple game of Fuck/marry/kill. As always, i am forced to preface this column with a reminder that it’s not that serious. It’s shits and giggles. I’m not here to belittle the female sex. The only reason I don’t throw men in the pot is cause I don’t want to fuck them all equally. Except Clive owen. He’s the man.
Anyway, These are all reader submitted options. If you’d like to give me some ideas, feel free to leave them in the comment section below.

Fuck/Marry/Kill, the body-mod edition: a girl with (huge) ear gauges/ a girl with a pierced corset / a girl with a (permanent) grill

Marry: Permanent Grill
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This is a tough one cause I’m really not into any of these things on any level. But, of the three, I find the grill the least gross so it wins strictly based of that. It would be no different than marrying a girl with adult braces except the added embarrassment of having that “Yeah, my wife had a permanent gold grill…” conversation over and over again. Physically, it doesn’t irk me. It’s just I feel as though a person who makes this life commitment is a cornball and that might wear me down. But, whatever, it’s better than a person who creates an open anus on their ears or whatever the fuck that corset thing is.

Kill: Pierced Corset
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I’m a squeamish guy when it comes to certain things. While I probably wouldn’t flinch at seeing a person punched in the face of hit by a car, seeing things happen to skin grosses me the fuck out. Seeing skin pulled like how that picture above shows it, makes my balls feel funny and it’s simply not something I can look at for very long. I recall playing a show once where they had people hanging from the ceiling but their skin via hooks and I almost barfed every time I walked by it. This would be a no go for me on every level. I simply don’t have the stomach for it. Also, what’s wrong with you, girl? Take those fish hooks out your back! Call your father!
I’m simply not about that fetish life. At all. Ol’ meat and potatoes ass dude.

Fuck: Huge Ear Gauges
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Let me first clarify, I fucking hate these things. I hate how they look. I hate how I imagine they smell (buttholes). The bigger they are, the worse. I legit have been turned off by them before to the point where I’ve seen an insanely hot girl with them and it was like she might as well have been a man to me. Look at the girl above. Perfectly cute. But, those things kill it. So, if anything, this is more of a statement of how gross that pierced corset thing is to me. But, i suppose, I’d have to fuck the huge ear gauge girl. Not in her ear gauges. Holy shit…that would be insane. i wonder if people do that? You know what? I’d bet my life that there are people out there who fuck the holes in other peoples ears. I mean, if there are dudes making love to each others peeholes (look it up if you wanna truly ruin your day), surely a handful of people have boned the huge hole in another persons ear. Barf.

F/M/K:soy sauce – mayonnaise – hot sauce

Marry: Mayonnaise
hellmann-32oz
Fuck yallllllll! I love Mayo and I don’t care what you think. If the food is savory, it will generally work with mayo (obviously there are exceptions). It’s creamy, tangy and , back when I was a single man living alone, literally the only thing in my fridge.
My love of mayo is probably the whitest thing about me , outside of my skin color. Some people love ketchup. Some love mustard. Fuck that noise though…I ride for mayo. I wanna make songs about Mayo the way Jay-z did about Beyonce. It’s that real.

Fuck:Soy Sauce
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The thing about soy sauce is that it’s very specific. It only goes with very certain foods. but, when it works, it’s the perfect sauce. I’m a guy who loves me some salty things so , you throw some asian food in front of me and I’m dumping soy sauce on it like it’s on fire. Hell, when I was kid my mom used to buy bricks of tofu (I lived in one of those healthy households that never had sugary cereals). I would take the entire brick of that flavorless shit, dump soy sauce on it and eat it like it was a steak And, you know what? I’d do it to this day.
But, like I said, soy sauce is not an everyday thing. So, I fuck it. It’d be some good , salty brown sex though.

Kill: Hot sauce
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This one will very likely go down as my least popular choice in the history of fuck/marry/kill. I know how seriously people take their hot sauce. I know how much some people hate Mayo too. But, alas, this is my show and I get to make the choices. Straight up, i don’t give a shit about hot sauce. When I do use it, I tend to lean heavily toward the least hot ones possible. I love me some vineger-y shit but I’m not a fan of eating food that hurts. That burning you guys like so much? Nah, B. It doesn’t add flavor for me. It just makes eating food slightly uncomfortable. I do like when my sinus’ get cleared but, in general, if I have a choice to eat anything spicy or anything mild, I go mild every time. I prefer medium spice but I’ll take mild over something that makes me feel like I need to drink a glass of milk. I realize there are endless types of hot sauce and I actually do like it at times…but, in general, thats at the bottom of the list for me as condiments I crave. Sorry to everyone on earth cause I realize how much you disagree with me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Lisa Bonet, Kristen Wiig ,Winona Ryder

Kill: Kristen Wiig
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You know, this is the second time I’ve killed Wiig in this game and it really bums me out. She’s awesome. She’s hilarious and likable. It’s just…I don’t find her attractive. Thing is, she’s not unattractive at all. It’s just a personal preference I have. She’s kinda like a muppet. A hot muppet…but a muppet none the less. It also doesn’t help that her competition are two of my all time favorites from my youth. I swear, one of these days, I will marry her hypothetically…now is simply not that time.

Fuck:Lisa Bonet
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In her prime, possibly one of the best faces ever. Soooooo fucking pretty. She’s getting along in years a this point but she’s still beautiful. But, more than that, this would be a childhood dream realized. As someone who grew up watching the Cosby Show, she was always the one. Rudy was a kid, Vanessa was…Vanessa. And sandra was old and boring. But Denise? Gaddamn. She even was hip and hung out in the village. In fact, it would be safe to say she was way too cool for me but still…all the more reason. You also have to factor in that she was married to Lenny Kravitz. She must have some magic going on to keep him faithful for however many years that was.

Marry: Winona Ryder
winona
She must be in her late 40’s right now and pretty much looks exactly the same as she did 20 years ago. She’s is a freak of nature in the white woman aging game. Her and Marisa Tomei.
She’s been a favorite of mine for decades now and , honestly, one of the women of my youth that, to this day, is the blueprint of “my type”.
Cute faced Brown haired girls (though she’s a little paler than my favorite type) with curves who are kinda short. That’s my wheelhouse right there. And she’s 100% one of the reasons for that. Shout out to Pheobe Cates though.
So yeah, this is a simple choice for me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill:advice from Dr. Phil / advice from Dr. Drew / advice from Dr. Oz

Marry: Advice from Dr. Drew
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This is a no brainer. I know people hate on Dr. Drew and shit on him for exploiting famous drug addicts but I’ve listened to enough Lovelines to know that he’s not a dumb man. He’s reasonable and actually knows what he’s talking about. He’s a guy who I think actually cares. Sure, he may spread himself thin but that doesn’t take away that he’s been doing this kinda shit for real for around 30 years. I’m pretty sure the other two dipshits offered up cannot say the same thing. Also, my girl is obsessed with him so she’d probably be pretty psyched if I married his advice.

Fuck:Advice from Dr. Oz
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I really don’t know shit about Dr. Oz except that he’s not Dr. Phil and his smile is mad creepy. I know Oz recently cause caught out there for pushing some faulty diet pills (or something like that) but we’re talking advice here. i don’t even know if he’s a real doctor. Maybe he’s just a good listener who failed upwards. Whatever the case is, the level of advice I’d take from him might range from “Hey, is this milk still good?” to “I dunno, do you think it’s too late to order a pizza?”. The last thing I’d ever do is ask some hyper smiley plastic faced man for advice about anything remotely important.
Side note, asking for advice with matters of the heart is bullshit. Not only cause no one ever takes advice but cause we are all our own people with our own nuances. It’s never black and white. It amazes me that we live in a world where “advice” is such a notable thing cause , really, when’s the last time you really took some life advice? Not often, bro. Not often.

Kill: Advice from Dr. Phil
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I feel as though Dr. Phil is a doctor like I’m a doctor. “Ask dr. Tony” is as viable a source of info as anything Dr. Phil has ever put out there. Actually, i might argue my advice is better cause i will never bring god into it and I’m a reasonable person. Dr. Phil is some weird southern snake oil salesman who , I think, gets by cause he looks and sounds trustworthy to stupid people. I dunno…I look at him and see a lonely power bottom waiting for last call at a gay bar but, I suppose, in places where that kinda guy doesn’t
exist, he looks like the smartest guy in your town. Thank god I’m not from that town. I prefer power bottom Phil greatly.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 37

There+can+only+be+one_7023fe_3634882
Welcome to another soul stirring edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. Yup, it’s exactly what is sounds like. You guys sent me options, I give you my take on them. As always, I feel the need to preface this column with “It’s not at all serious so please don’t take offense to it”. The only reason I don’t do options with men is cause , in the end, I want to fuck them all the exact same amount- not at all. Know what I mean?
If you got an inventive fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. Feel free to go outside the box cause I’ve exhausted most of the other choices (Katy perry, madonna, lady gaga etc…)
Anyway, here are this weeks choices.

F/M/K: The plastic edition: Heidi Montag, Coco, Courtney Stodden

Marry: CoCo
Coco-Austin-Bikini-5
I figure, is she’s good enough for Ice-T, she’s certainly good enough for me.
Coco is one of those freak of nature people who’s body doesn’t make sense at all. While I’m sure she’s had a fair amount of work done to her chest, her ass is actually all natural. How do I know? Well, I’ve seen her in person. In real life, she’s much more compact and squat than she seems in pictures. She kinda reminds me of an old He-Man character “Ram Man“. Hearing that description you may be thinking “Than why would you marry her?” well, cause she seems nice and is, by far, the least insane of the three. At her worst, she’s a little corny and basic. I’ll take that over clinically insane any day.

Fuck: Hiedi Montag
Fotos-von-Heidi-Montag-im-Bikini
As clown like as she has gotten, there was a small period where the plastic surgery actually kinda worked for her. Sure, her face looked weird (it always did though) and her breasts were comical but , outside of that, she had her body in a good, albeit completely unrealistic place. It should also be noted (and then quickly forgotten) that I was someone who watched “The hills”. If anything, that little tidbit of knowledge should lessen how seriously anyone should take this column by leaps and bounds. But, yeah, Hiedi was a nut case but she was kinda hot in a plastic person that doesn’t exist in real life/porn star kinda way.

Kill: Courtney Stodden
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I mean,does this even need explaining? I feel like, if you’re a dude who is really into Courtney Stodden, you either have serious issues upon serious issues or blonde people don’t exist in your country. She was a child bride at age 15 to a dude in late 40’s. She had her first boob job before she was 16. She also played the devout religion card , all while dressing like how a 7 year old child with sexual abuse history probably imagines a “glamourous sex worker”. All that said, her parents are really the ones I should be killing but they weren’t in this equation, so it’s gotta be her. Even outside of all this awful stuff, her lust for fame is depressing and it’s only a matter of time before she’s in a porn. I mean, it could be literally any day now. And , trust me, it will be grosser than a murder.

F/M/K: cracker edition. Saltines, Ritz, and Keebler Club crackers.

Kill: Keebler Club Crackers
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I honestly don’t know who these things exist for. They’re like a shittier hybrid of saltines and ritz. It’s like, people are out getting groceries and come across the cracker aisle like “Hmm…I need to get a cracker that no one will ever want to eat but that i can dump on people I have over for drinks if i just cover them with some bullshit cheese….”
That should be the slogan for Club Crackers “When you need to get rid of some bullshit cheese and you don’t respect your guests…Club crackers”.

Marry: Saltines
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Good old, boring, reliable saltines. They are as basic as a cracker gets…but they win cause I love salt. No fancy herbs or spices here. Just a bland ass cracker with some salt on top. Works for me! I feel like, in marriage, if you go with extremes, it will eventually either blow up in your face or that thing you once loved will become the thing you hate the most about that person. By choosing saltines, I’m playing it safe. Sure, it wouldn’t be a thrill ride to marry Saltines, but it will be nothing if not steady. The only thing i have to remember is to never try and eat a bunch of them with no beverage, cause that’s impossible.

Fuck: Ritz
Ritz-Crackers
I never loved Ritz really. Like most crackers, they’re at their best when smothered in other things. Peanut butter, cheese, even some hummus. But, for this challenge, they’d be great for a one off. To be honest, Ritz is probably the most versatile of the three crackers but, I dunno…They never really touched my soul like Saltines did. It’s funny cause, on paper, Ritz should win. They’re buttery. I love butter! They’re salty. I’m bout that salt life. But, I dunno…i never loved the consistency of them. Just a personal preference I suppose.
To be honest, if the Club crackers had been replaced by Triscuits, I would killed these ritz pretty quickly. Triscuits go hard.

F/M/K: Idina Menzel, Lea Michele, Lizzy Caplan

Marry: Lizzy Kaplan
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I would literally marry her. It’s not even a game, son! She’s the best. Not only is she hot, funny and talented but she also has one of the craziest bodies ever. BIG FAN. As I’ve noted many times in F/M/K, my soft spot for jewish girls runs deep. Especially NYC jew types. It’s like high school all over again. This was the easiest choice of the week by a landslide.

Fuck: Lea Michele
lea-michele
I kinda know who she is but definitely had to google her (and Idina menzel as well). Turns out she’s kinda hot and on a TV show you couldn’t pay me to watch. Also, her husband/boyfriend (not sure which) just killed himself. Now, allow me to get dark here but sex with a person who just lost someone could go a few ways. It could be the absolute worst thing ever and involve tears and panic attacks OR it could be someone venting their demons via their orgasms. I’d roll the dice for the latter and hope for the best. If it doesn’t pan out positively, I’d deserve it for being a piece of shit who preys on newly single widows.

Kill: Idina Menzel
Idina_Menzel_Defense.gov_Crop
I literally had no idea who this was. She’s a broadway actress (who was in “Rent” so, off the bat, SHE’S DEAD TO ME ALREADY) and she currently or used to be with Taye diggs. That knowledge plus a glance at her pictures told me that she was one of those atrocious theater dorks that sings and dances really well but in the corniest way possible. They can’t help it. They’re groomed that way. Whatever the case, that type of person is like my personal kryptonite so , sadly, she’s off the the gallows. I bet she’ll make it super dramatic.

F/M/K: Twitter, Instagram, Phat Friend

Fuck: Instagram
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The gram is fun. And this choice works on a few different levels.
For one, the most attractive people are on Instagram. Not only that, but they exist there just to show off how attractive they are. If i was a 12 year old boy, I could jerk of to instagram all day. That’s pretty big. Secondly, as an app, it’s easy going and fun. Sure, I gotta scroll through people’s dumb ass meals and sunsets all the time but it’s a great time waster and usually good for a chuckle at any given moment. In that sense, it’s a great thing to “fuck”. Just peak in, stick your dick in it, and get out.

Marry: Phat Friend
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I mean, this is me. I’m not gonna fuck or kill myself. In fact, it’s safe to say I’m already married to this blog, for better or worse. And , Like a real marriage, there are certainly times I wish this blog would just go away. At the time same time, it is one of the only things that gives my life structure so it’s almost necessary. Still, this blog is tied into me tightly so there really is no other option but to marry it…until i kill it, of course.

Kill: Twitter
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I like twitter. It’s fun. But, it’s also full of shit. Hell, just this week i put out an album with Marq Spekt and seeing how twitter ad campaigns work is depressing. It’s getting like 20 people with 1000 plus followers to retweet the same thing over and over again. It’s not spam, but it is. I could foresee twitter becoming just that in a few years. Kinda like how Myspace became all ad-bots. Still, like i said, i do fuck with twitter and I don’t really wanna kill it but the other two choices win easily. On the bright side, the world might be a better place if I killed twitter…but where would we all get our news from? Tough life choices, yo.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 36

choices
Hello. Time once again for america’s favorite time killer, Fuck/Marry/kill. You guys gave me options, I gave you my picks. As simple a concept as the day is long.
As always, for all you hyper sensitive/easily offended people out there, i will remind you that this is all in fun. It’s not nearly as serious as you’d like it to be so, please, don’t bother being offended by it. It’s dumb. I’m aware of that. We cool? i hope so.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

F/M/K: Amber Rose, Iggy Azalea, Azealia Banks

Marry: Amber Rose
Unknown
This was actually tough cause, in all three cases, I was leaning toward both fuck and kill. Marriage, however, was not one I would easily apply to any of these women. So, I thought long and hard. Did some soul searching. I came up with Amber Rose as the wife. How did I come to this place? Well, when you’re dealing with a stalemate, you have to look towards the subtleties. I picked her cause , well, she’s probably the least awful person of the three to be around. I’ve seen her in interviews. She’s as dumb as a toaster oven and slightly corny but she seems , at the very least, sweet. She’s not like one of those basketball wives and she’s not a crazy person. She’s just a girl who was blessed with a crazy ass , who shaves her head. I think we could make it work.

Kill: Iggy azalea
iggy-azalea
Again, this was tough. Iggy has a hot face and crazy ass as well but she’s also like 6’2”. Not really my bag. Beyond that, she’s upper echelon cornball status. Her accent alone makes me want to leave the room and the thought of that aussie/wigger/trap lord hybrid bullshit saying anything to me in any situation is a pretty big turn off all around. The problem with killing her would be how difficult that task would actually be. It would be like the fight between breanna and the Hound on game of thrones. I fear I might not make it out alive.

Fuck: Azealia Banks
azealiab-banks-pharrell-11.12.2013
Now, I’m pretty confidant most people reading this right now are curious as to why I chose to kill Iggy and have sex with Banks. Well, hear me out. First off, off the three girls, Banks was the one I was most smitten with at first sight. The first time I saw the “212” video, I legit had a crush on her. she was adorable. So, that alone got her to this point. Beyond that, I realize that, since then, she’s kinda lost her mind. She’s been flipping out on twitter and getting into all sorts of beefs with people over extremely dumb shit. That only plays more into this whole choice. It’s a known fact, in the fuck/marry/kill universe, that crazy often = Good sex. So, in the case of banks, I’m willing to find out and show her what my dicks like, homie.

F/M/K:New Year’s Eve/Halloween/St. Patrick’s Day

Kill: St. Patrick’s day
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Easiest pick I’ve had in a while. I’m not irish, I don’t day drink and I hate parades. Add those things together and you have a no brainer. I’ve even imagined killing this day outside of this silly game. St. Paddy’s day fucking sucks. Everything about it. I’m sure some people have fun and , if you’re a dude who is into pale , shapeless women, it could be a pretty strong day to get laid but, otherwise? DEAD DEAD DEAD.

Fuck: Halloween
halloween2008
Halloween is fun. You get to dress up and pretend. Girls go nuts and get basically naked. So that’s cool. However, it’s another day with a stupid fucking parade and really, let’s be honest, it’s a one and done kinda situation. No one wants to do this every day. So, it fits perfectly into the “fuck” criteria. Yes, I wanna fuck halloween but there’s no way I’d wanna do that shit daily. One and done. I’d even do the walk of shame home the next day in my costume, looking like a deranged person.

Marry: New year’s eve
New-years-eve-lake-garda-1
Yes, NYE is amateur hour. But , you know what else is amateur hour? Marriage.
I pick NYE for many reasons. For one, no parade. That’s huge.
Secondly, it’s a huge party with tons of friends. I typically chill with all my closest friends that night and it’s always fun. Even the bullshit ones where we just end up at some bar. Thirdly, on some scum bag shit, I’d say it’s the best “get laid” day of the three by far. Of all the holidays, it’s by far the one I’ve had the most success at.
I’d also add that NYE is very versatile. You can party different ways. Some people go to clubs. Some go to house parties. some gather a small group and just go to a secluded place in the woods. It’s really whatever you wanna make it, which is nice and enables it to evolve with you. My mom can pop off on NYE and still have fun just like I can.
So, really, if I had to pick one of these three days to live over and over, it would be this one, by a landslide.

F/M/K:
The American Dialect Edition:
Accents from THE WIRE / Accents from FARGO / Accents from THE SOPRANOS

Fuck: Sopranos
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I bet you thought I’d marry this one but nope! I actually hate those guido/jersey accents. To many people who’ve never been to NYC, they think that’s how we all talk, which is infuriating. But still, I gotta have some home town pride. I can’t just be killing all my neighbors. So, screw it…I’ll fuck’em. At least it’s a familiar. And there is something weirdly sexy to me about a girl with a terrible jersey accent. i wouldn’t bring her home to my mom but it definitely makes me think she’s a little trashy, in a good way.

Kill: Fargo
marge gunderson
This fucking accent. I can’t even take it seriously. It’s what happens when you leave white people alone for decades. It’s as if you mixed irish people with cheese and time and , Ta-dah! That’s what you get. I also have a weird issue with people who say “Oh my gosh” cause I feel like they’re scared to say “Oh my ,god”, which makes me think they’re god fearing lunatics. Sure, that’s an unfair jump in logic but it always bugs me out. Especially when porn stars say it. It’s like “Really? You just took 7 dicks in your ass at once but saying the lords name is an issue?” But i digress…Terrible accent and one I could never deal with for more than passing pleasantries.

Marry: The wire
snoopp
I just wanna clarify that there is not a single north american accent that I think is even remotely sexy. They all sound like yokels to me. From southern cali surfer guy to southern belle to that crazy maine accent that guys who go clamming have…they all are equally lame. This B’more accent isn’t pretty but ,Perhaps cause it’s the one I hear the least, It doesn’t bother me. So, really, I’m picking this one strictly due to it being the last one left. You know when that happens, it was a tough round of F/M/K. But I think I’ll be okay, thanks for asking.

F/M/K:Ellen Page,Yoko Ono ,Emilia Clarke (she plays Danaerys in GoT)

Marry: Emilia Clarke
Fast Girls - UK Film Premiere
I mean…come on. I’d marry her in real life right now and I’ve never even seen her in person or spoken a word to her. She’s the hottest and…well, she’s the hottest. There was a time in F/M/K, history where I’d always marry the lesbian cause, in a way, it would be like not marrying at all. That way, I’d actually get the ideal situation. A cool roommate and total freedom. but, in this case, fuck all that. I’m wifing the mother of dragons up with no hesitation.

Kill: Yoka Ono
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Again, Come on. Who’s not killing Yoko in this? Fred Phelps would kill Yoko in this and he hates gay people more than he hates asians (I’m assuming). Not only is she old as fuck but she also sucks. She wasn’t even hot when she was young and she pretty much invented being “pretentious hippies”. Unacceptable. DEAD.

Fuck: Ellen Page
"The East" Portraits - 2013 Sundance Film Festival
Listen, she’s got a few things going against her. The obvious one being she’d be revolted to have to have sex with me. I feel you, girl. Secondly, she looks like a child. That would be creepy. But, that said, she does have a very cute face and I bet , if I got it over with quick enough, we could pal around before she went to bathroom and barfed for 3 hours cause she was forced to sleep with a disgusting man. Basically, I picked this one cause there was no way i wasn’t picking Clarke for marriage. When making an F/M/K cake, sometimes you gotta break some eggs. Out of respect, I’d try my best to be as quick and non-evasive as sex can be. Trust me, i don’t wanna be there if she doesn’t wanna be there.I’m a gentleman.