Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 49

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Well, it’s been a while and that means it’s time for “fuck/marry/kill” to rear it’s ugly head. YOu know the game. you’ve played it or been appalled by people playing it. Same difference. As always, i must state that this is all just for fun. Nothing here is meant to be taken seriously and I don’t actually wanna fuck, marry or kill anyone or anything mentioned in this post. So , please, save any potential outrage for something that actually matters. If you have ideas for people/things I should f/m/k, please leave them in the comment section below. Get weird. I’ve been doing this for a while and all the obvious stuff has been done. Trust me.

F/M/K
Super-heroine edition: Wonder Woman, Black Widow, She-Hulk

Marry: Wonder Woman
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I’d like to start this off by saying I think super hero based movies and comics are lame.No disrespect to all you people getting your costumes fit for comic-con. That’s just me. Just saying that to preface my lack of knowledge on all things comic book related.Anyway…
Wonder Woman is the only character, of these three, that I really know. I know her cause she was around on TV when I was a kid. I’ve seen many incarnations of her. They’re always a very pretty brunette who flies an invisible plane. And does’t she have magic bracelets or some shit? Who knows? Anyway, from the barely passing interest, I can surmise that she’s a good person who is just out in these streets trying to make a difference. Can’t knock that. So, I’d assume she’s quite a catch. But , really, that invisible plane, son. Imagine never having to wait in an airport again and just whipping through the sky like you were a bird? That alone has me sold.

Fuck:Black Widow
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Oh, you mean Scarlett Johansson? Yeah, I want to have sex with her.
Not sure about what the Black Widow does but ,I’d imagine, if her name is any relation to the actual insect, she fucks guys and kills them afterwards? Surely that can’t be her secret power? Like I said, i know nothing about the comic book shit. Judging from the pic, she wears leather and shoots guns. I’ve also seen an avengers movie and she didn’t seem like she was out there boning guys and killing them right after. Still, if I’m gonna go out, having sex with Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t be the worst way to go. Definitely better than shattering my hip when I’m 85 or some random disease.

Kill: She Hulk
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I figure I’d kill her before she kills me. Again, I know nothing of she-hulk. I’m actually not certain this is even a thing *quickly googles it* Okay, I guess it’s KIND OF a thing.
Definitely no She-Hulk Movies coming out and they made an Ant Man movie so, clearly, this is a D level super hero. Oh look! It’s the hulk but with a vagina!
On a more practical level, I’m a pretty steady guy, mood wise. I don’t get to high or too low. Because of this, I’ve never been into people who are unlike that. Call me crazy but I think that She-hulk may be a touch volatile for me. Just a hunch.
Also, i’m not really attracted to really buff women. Like body builder types? Nah, b. So there is that too.

F/M/K
Breakfast Bread edition: Bagel, Croissant, Muffin

Kill: Muffin
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Listen, muffins are cool and all but I’m not a dude who craves sweet things when I wake up. I’m bout that savory life. And, really, blueberry muffins are the only type I ever really crave. So, sorry, muffins but you are a third tier breakfast option. I’m not mad when I have one but it’s rare I’ll even think to get one. If I’m at a hotel and they have a continental breakfast in the morning, the last thing I reach for is that muffin. So, sorry, I’m crumbling you up in my hand and leaving you for dead on the table.

Fuck:Croissant
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I fucking love a good croissant. There are few things better to me than a buttery, warm croissant being stuffed into my greasy fat mouth. However, I couldn’t eat one every day. It’s just too decadent. Ideally, it would be great but the reality is I’d die of a heart attack by 50 if I went with that. Croissants are a special occasion type of thing. And, for this occasion, I’d want to be lowered naked into a swimming pool filled with warm croissants. I would eat and fuck my way out of the pool with no hesitation, stepping out the pool glistening like a new born baby.

Marry: Bagel
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I’m a New Yorker. Part Jew. Bagels are our life blood. I remember the first time I traveled down south and I met people who didn’t know what a bagel was. Probably cause they didn’t know any jews. I felt bad for them. Bagels offer so much. They can be toast. The can be bread for a sandwich. And they can be covered in all sorts of crap. Some place opened near me a few years ago that was bagel bites , filled with flavored cream cheeses. Yes please. What about pizza bagels? I could go on forever. The secret to a healthy marriage is keeping things fresh and switching it up every now and then. With bagels, I would never have to worry about that.

F/M/K presidential candidates edition: Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin

Fuck: Sarah Palin

Republican vice presidential candidate Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin winks as she speaks during her vice presidential debate against Democratic vice presidential candidate Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., at Washington University in St. Louis, Mo., Thursday, Oct. 2, 2008.  (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Republican vice presidential candidate Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin winks as she speaks during her vice presidential debate against Democratic vice presidential candidate Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., at Washington University in St. Louis, Mo., Thursday, Oct. 2, 2008. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)


I know killing her would be the right thing to do but I’m still a dumb animal and she’s still the most attractive choice. And , deep down, there is a nasty side to her. I don’t mean her politics, which are fucking abhorrent. I mean sexually. This is a lady who was once a newscaster and fucked basketball player Glen Rice. That doesn’t mean much but, to me, it says she’s down to have a good time. Or, at least, I can convince myself she may have been like that at one point. Now she’s just batshit crazy and dumb as a bag of bibles.

Kill: Carly Fiorina

Former US business executive and potential Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina waits to speak at the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS) on April 6, 2015 in Washington, DC.     AFP PHOTO/BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI        (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

Former US business executive and potential Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina waits to speak at the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS) on April 6, 2015 in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)


She got those crazy eyes. She’s got those crazy politics. I also know the least about her, of the three options so, it’s not hard to throw her in the kill pile. Female republicans are a baffling bunch. It’s a brand of self loathing i can’t wrap my head around. Yeah…i dunno what else to say about this one. It just is. Sometimes things just fall into place.

Marry: Hillary Clinton
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Duh. I’m not even a person who’s super gung ho about Hillary but , clearly, she is wifey material when placed next to these two lunatics. I feel about marrying Hillary the same way I do about her being president. It’ll do. I don’t love everything about her. I kinda think she’s a bit too much “in the game” but, at the same time, so is every other politician not named trump or sanders. So, if she wins, things will be fine. If she’s nominated, she’s getting my vote. If I married her, in this completely unrealistic situation, things would also be fine. We’d skip all the exciting newlywed stuff and slip right into the boring, comfort part of marriage where you barely speak to each other at length but you don’t really have any true disdain for your partner. You know, that long term relationship sweet spot, right before you realize you don’t ever wanna be in the same room with the love of your life. Ah…Marriage.

FMK: Queens/Bronx/Staten

Fuck: The Bronx
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I used to go up to the bronx and record occasionally. It was my first time as an adult , being in the borough.It was kinda cool. Sure, it was foreign and somewhat terrifying but it had a distinct vibe to it. The people are cool too. At this point, the Bronx is NYC’s final piece of authenticity. It hasn’t been taken over and ruined by people moving in from other states. People who move there tend to be coming from other countries. Big difference. The reason I’d fuck it and not marry it is cause, well, it’s so fucking far away. it’s just a train ride I’m not willing to make on the daily. So, I’d make the trip once to make sweet love on Fordham road.

Marry: Queens
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Queens is fucking Huuuuuuge. It’s got so many parts and different vibes to it that marrying it makes sense. The variety would be awesome. It’s a place that is known for having all the secretly best ethnic food and that’s some shit I could immerse myself in deeply. Truth be told, I’m in queens maybe once every 6 years but still…I know it’s got stuff. And, hell, if I’m married to queens for a while and feel like it’s time to move to a more quiet neighborhood, there are areas in Queens that are straight up suburbs. Picket white fences and all that shit. I like the idea of having options. Not even Manhattan or BK can offer that. But, really, I’m wifing it for the food.

Kill: Staten island
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LOL. Yeah…obviously. Outside of Wu-tang and “The situation” , I honestly wouldn’t even know if S.i. ever existed. I went there once as a kid. Let’s just say it didn’t leave much of a mark on me. All i know about it is that it’s full of racist italians and it’s also a place where they set up huge housing complexes for mentally unstable people to live in. That’s a great thing to do but I’ll be damned if I wanna be anywhere near that shit. Easy choice. Sorry S.I. and Sorry Wu tung.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 48

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It’s been a while but i think we are all ready for a new edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. All of us except those people who get really mad about it write scathing personal facebook messages to me. To those people i say, you really should just not read this blog. It’s not for you. But for the others? Hi! you know the game. It’s dumb. Frat guys play it. Clearly, this is not meant to be taken seriously so, just a heads up.
If you have any good ideas for me to f/m/k, leave them in the comment section. Get creative. After all, this is volume 48. We’ve covered many bases here.

F/M/K: a molly girl, cokehead, or weed chick?

Kill: Cokehead
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This was fairly easy for me. While people on Molly can be kind of…umm…gross to be around (I don’t even mean sexually, I mean just cracked out looking) coke girls are that plus the addition of being annoying. I once had a girl stop, mid sex, to do a bump of coke. No bueno, dude. Not only are they annoying but talking to them and dealing with their microscopic attention spans is just the worst. I realize there are many girls who do coke and actually get horny and then have sex , so i suppose that’s a “good” thing but to me? If i can avoid that scene in general, I will.
The thing about coke heads is that , once the ball is rolling with that shit (for that night, or whatever) it becomes the only focus. And I’d never wanna play second fiddle to that bullshit.

Fuck: Molly girl
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While the molly girl can be similar to the coke girl she’s also much sweeter and friendly. Coke is a “me, me, me!” drug. Molly just makes you wanna lay around and rub things and you feel great. I could deal with that. Even though, in reality, I kinda doubt I could even have sex on Molly, this isn’t about me. So, perhaps, I wouldn’t even be on that shit. Who knows?

Marry: Weed chick
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For many of you, this was the obvious choice. In fact, the idea of marrying a weed girl probably is a dream come true to some of you. Personally, i don’t smoke weed and I think “weed culture” is pretty corny. I’m all for people smoking it if they want to but like all obsessions similar to it (wine, coffee, etc…) people really go a little far with it. So, to me, the idea of marrying a girl who wants to sit around talking about different weed strains and the healing powers of cannabis oil all day is only slightly more appealing that chilling with cokehead girl.
All that said, if it’s just a girl who gets stoned all the time, that’s fine. I can’t totally deal with that. Sounds pretty mellow, actually and think of all the food we’d eat!

The carb F/M/K: rice, pasta, bread

Marry:Bread
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I would actually marry bread. Like, if it were legal. Why not? I know you gluten free people are horrified by that statement but I don’t have your little fucking problem and bread is the best. Honestly, there are so many things you can do with bread but I don’t even need to list them. A freshly baked loaf of bread with butter would have won this off the bat. I don’t even need to get into the world of sandwiches. Hell, french onion soup even can come to the party. Goddamn it bread…I love you so much it hurts.

Fuck: Rice
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Kill: Pasta
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I’m gonna do these two together cause they are so close.
I almost felt like rice was gonna have to go but then I realized I eat way more rice than I do Pasta. Here’s the thing, I love pasta. I think, in general, it tastes better and it’s the part of better meals than rice. However, I’m at that age where I gotta watch what I eat on some level. Meaning I can’t be stuffing bowls of ravioli in my face with any regularity. If anything, Pasta is for special occasions for me. So, yes, I prefer pasta to rice but my lifestyle does not.
Meanwhile, with rice, that’s pretty much all asian food. That’s latin food. I don’t know why my brain doesn’t think rice is as bad as pasta but i do know that when I finish a hearty plate of pasta I feel like I need to sit in a wheelchair for a few hours and when I eat some rice dish, it’s never that debilitating.
This is one of those rare f/m/k’s where you gotta kill what you love for your own good. Cause, man, if i sat around fucking pasta all day? I’d be a mess.

F/M/K: Brandy / Mya / Amerie

Marry: Amerie
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Bro…If I were to remake that movie “Weird science” , starring me as the those two virgin nerds, when it came time to cut up all the magazines and construct the perfect women, I’d skip the buffalo bill style of taking eyes from here, a nose from there and lips from there. I would just find a picture of Amerie’s face and that would be all i needed. It’s my shit. Why she didn’t become as big as Rihanna I’ll never know. I realize it sounds I’m basing my decision to marry her entirely on her face but I also like that she never became a super star diva. She’s probably humble and has a good head on her shoulders because of it. And if she doesn’t? I’ll just stare at her face all day anyway.
I think what I’m saying is, if any of you look like Amerie, Holler.

Fuck: Mya

FILE - In this April 22, 2008, file photo, singer Mya attends "Le Reve: Indulge the Dream, Play 4 Parkinson's Casino Gala" benefit in New York. Mya will join the cast of the ninth season of reality dance competition, "Dancing With The Stars," premiering Sept. 21, 2009, on ABC.  (AP Photo/Evan Agostini, file)

FILE – In this April 22, 2008, file photo, singer Mya attends “Le Reve: Indulge the Dream, Play 4 Parkinson’s Casino Gala” benefit in New York. Mya will join the cast of the ninth season of reality dance competition, “Dancing With The Stars,” premiering Sept. 21, 2009, on ABC. (AP Photo/Evan Agostini, file)


It’s funny about Mya. I’ve always felt she was overrated. Dudes talked about her like she was the hottest girl ever. I thought she was pretty but, you know, nothing too crazy. Then I realized her appeal is that she’s like the pretty girl you go to school with. She grows on you. After a month of sitting near her in class you realize she’s probably the sexiest person on earth and you can’t even explain it. It’s probably cause she’s nice to you and let’s you borrow her eraser when you don’t have one. You’re a huge dork, btw.
When you’re older, a girl like Mya is more like a good friends girlfriend or a friend of you ex who you get to know and secretly fall in love with. You can never be with her but, goddamn, you still day dream about killing all obstacles, in your dreams, while you sadly masturbate to them.

Kill: Brandy
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She’s boring. She was always the goody two shoes kind. Her brother is Ray J, which means that bloodline is tainted anyway.
I think brandy is very pretty. Always have but it’s kind of a Taylor Swift situation with her cause she just can’t be sexy. It’s just not her nature. There is something very church-y about her. Put her in sexy clothing, she looks wrong. She’s probably very sweet but, i dunno…her competition is simply too strong. Hell, I always picked Monica over her back in “The boy is mine” days and things don’t really change.

F/m/k-Sense of sight, Sense of taste, Sense of hearing

Kill: Sense of taste
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This is the worst one i’ve ever had to do. Like, each of these things represents something I truly love. Taste…food. I love food. So very very much. It’s one of the great joys in life for me. I’m a frugal man but I will spend major money on a meal if I know it’s good. However, the other side to killing my sense of taste is that, eating makes me fat. delicious food is never that healthy. So, in a way, if I were to not taste anything, I could finally be truly healthy. I’d eat all that organic horseshit that people love that has like 15 calories per pound. It wouldn’t matter. Food would literally just be fuel and I would need the bare minimum. So, i chose to kill this for the health reasons. It still hurts though.

Fuck:Sight
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This is hard. I want sight all the time. Not only so i can watch all the things I watch (movies, tv, reading, girls) but basketball. I play basketball 3 times a week and , without sight, that’s a wrap. Again, something I truly love being stripped away from me. But, i guess if i can “fuck” sight then I can see it once in a while. it’s better than nothing. Again, these options are pure fucking evil.

Marry: Hearing
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I mean, shit, it’s my livelihood. Sure, making beats blind would be hard but if stevie wonder can do what he did, I can figure out how to do something infinitely easier without seeing a computer screen. Beyond that, I need to hear things all the time anyway. Music. I need music. conversation. I need that too. Being blind would be the worst but at least, with the sense of hearing, I feel like I wouldn’t have to live inside my own head as a deaf person. I’m not trying to base what i do on the vibrations of the earth, bro.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 47

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Well, it’s that time again. “Fuck/marry/kill” is back. Get excited…or get mad. depending who you are, I suppose. This is that game. I must choose one of the three options to fuck, marry or kill. So simple. So stupid. So right.
As always, I must put this disclaimer here: THIS IS NOT SERIOUS. There are plenty of things to take stands against in this world that matter and this is not one of them. The only reason I don’t do men in this is cause I want to not fuck them all equally. So, please, save the vitriol for something more worthy.
Anyway, if you have some interesting f/m/k options, put them in the comment section. I always need more.
Okay, let’s bust this out…

F/M/K:avant garde musicians- joanna newsom, bjork, m.i.a.

Marry:Joanna Newsom
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Of the three options, she’s the one I know the least about and I think it’s working in her favor. All I know is that she’s tiny, cute and plays a harp. You know who else is tiny, cute and plays harps? Angels, bro. But, beyond all that, she’s probably pretty chill and, for real, it would help my sleep patterns greatly if someone would gently play me to sleep with a harp a couple times a week. Would that even be on the table? Perhaps that’s asking too much of my little wife but, hey, I can dream, right?

Fuck:M.I.A.
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I’m not a huge M.I.A. fan. Like, in general, I’ve never loved her music. I’ve always felt like I’m a year or two too old for whatever she’s doing. That said, the girl is definitely pretty and the right amount of crazy that could translate into good/almost scary sex. Like, I imagine she might have sex while holding a machete or something. At the very least, she’s making finger guns during sex and going “bo! bo! bo!” when she climaxes. While that would be odd, it would make for a good story at the very least.

Kill: Bjork
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Easily my favorite artist of the three and just an incredibly talented women in general. Unfortunately, this isn’t “Iceland’s got talent”. This is the hard nosed, take no prisoners world of “fuck/marry/kill” and , sometimes, it just isn’t fair.
Now, Bjork was adorable. Super adorable. But she has three things going against her:
1)She’s the type of crazy that doesn’t excite me. She once kicked a paparazzi so hard in the balls, his testicle burst. Like, turned to liquid. She literally busted his nut. That kind of rage is fucking terrifying to me.
2)She’s not exactly “sexy”. By this I mean , she’s very cute but it’s not the kinda cute that makes me want to be romantic with her. It’s the kinda cute I wanna throw a teddy bear at.
3) she’s older than the other two by a decent amount and , as unfair as it is for an old piece of shit like me to be like this, I’m a bit of an agist. Sorry…I can’t help it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Sandwiches, Pizza, Burritos?

Fuck: Pizza
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This is a real Sophie’s choice moment right here. I would fuck or marry any of these wonderful foods. They are pretty much the best three basic foods known to man. But, I’m not here for the easy choices.
I would fuck pizza cause pizza is the sexiest. Now, perhaps if I grew up in idaho and was only used to domino’s, I might have killed pizza (that will come in to play with burritos) but being from NYC, pizza is everything and it’s everywhere. It’s never bad. The only thing stopping it from getting a ring on it’s greasy finger is it lacks versatility. But, goddamn, I would wrap a slice around myself and make love to pizza like the world stopped.

Kill: Burritos
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Now, had I grown up in L.A., San Diego or San Francisco, this would be a different story. I’ve had those burritos and they are amazing. Unfortunately, the one food NYC never really got the hang of (until VERY recently) has been burritos. When chipotle is a truly decent option, you’re kinda screwed.
Beyond that, Burritos, as I enjoy them, are the most basic. Meat, beans, rice, cheese, guac , pico and sour cream. That’s it. EVERY TIME. It’s always good but, still, that lack of variety kinda kills it. Unlike Pizza and sandwiches, I can’t just eat a burrito whenever. Those things are huge and quite an undertaking. I gotta plan ahead to really eat one. So, for those reason, I’m forced to kill that burrito. Sorry, holmes.

Marry: Sandwiches
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I choose to spend the rest of my life with sandwiches cause I will never get bored. They variety is endless. From Tuna melt, to italian sub to panini to some basic little ham and cheese type bullshit to bacon egg and cheese…sandwiches are everything at all times.
I will never get bored of sandwiches and, best of all, you could put ANYTHING in a sandwich. I could literally put a pizza and burrito between two pieces of bread and it would be a sandwich. That alone just takes them to another level. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

f/m/k comedy night: Judy Tenuta, Paula Poundstone, Rosie O’Donnell

Marry: Rosie O’ Donnell
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Much like wesley snipes saying “Always bet on black” in Passenger 57, when it comes to Fuck/marry/kill with some less than appealing options, “Always bet on lesbian”. The idea of marrying a lesbian , to me, is ideal. We’d basically be roommates. Rosie seems cool enough. I guess. Actually, she might be annoying as fuck but , whatever…I could just go to my room and keep living my life the way I want to. That’s the beauty of marrying someone who has no interest in you. I’ll take that over walks in the park or forced family outings with in laws any day.

Kill: Paula Poundstone
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When i was a kid, she was the butt of many many jokes that involved unfunny people and women in awkward blouses. She was the quintessential 80’s female comedian. Devoid of any qualities I could possibly find attractive. Since then, I’ve come around on her, in a way. While I don’t think she’s even remotely funny,I do think she’s somewhat misunderstood and a good person. That said, I’m not marrying her and I’m not putting me penis inside of her (pretty sure she’s on board with both of those realities) so, the only option left is the sweet release of death.

Fuck: Judy Tenuta
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She’s crass and obnoxious. She’s kinda gross in general. But, the trickle down logic of fuck/marry/kill kinda lands her in this place. Say what you will about her but maybe there is something underneath that gruff accordion playing exterior that, perhaps, might be sexually dynamic. Now, I have a feeling she might not be into my gender in that way but, of the three, she’s the only one who I think MIGHT possibly like men so…I guess she’s here by default.

F/M/K: short-shorts / sundresses / miniskirts

Fuck:Short Shorts
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This feels like I should have done these choices in the summer…it would make more sense. Oh well.
Short shorts…they are great. They balance between fashionable, revealing and “Look at dat azz!” so perfectly that it’s hard to deny them. They are “good sex” in the form of pants. Even those stupid high waisted ones all you girls love wearing look good. You really can’t go wrong. The only thing holding them back from a wedding ring is that they’re pretty much all about the fun. They lack the class one might seek out in a wife. I dunno. I’m full of shit. I’d marry them too.

Marry:Sundresses
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I don’t know what it is about sundresses…but they flick a switch in my brain and have been doing so since I was a teen. I think the fact they leave something to your imagination is what puts them over. The other two options are in your face…and that’s great. But seeing a pretty girl walking around in a sundress. It’s what makes playboy better than Hustler. Sure, I like to see it all but letting your mind do the work can be fun too. There’s an innocence to sundresses but it’s also subtly flashing some skin. They just work for me and i think they have longterm value.

Kill: Miniskirts
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Listen, seeing a hot girls in some slutty miniskirt is great but, i dunno…they don’t seem real to me. It’s just too much, in my face. Also, they can be the least flattering of the three options by far Let’s be real, do people even still wear miniskirts? That’s some 80’s shit.
Miniskirts are some shit for the club. And clubs are for fucking losers. It’s really that simple.
Like, if i had a daughter and she wore miniskirts a lot? I’d feel like I fucked up somewhere along the way. At least put on some short shorts like classy prostitute! You’re grounded!
It should also be noted that the type of girls who wear miniskirts have never even remotely liked me so I may just be bitter about that.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 46

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Hello and welcome to another edition of the equally hated and loved “Fuck, Marry, Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. The same game drunk frat guys play. As always, i’d like to preface this , for the more sensitive people out there, that this is all jokes. I’m would never actually kill or marry any of these people/things and this is not meant to be taken seriously in any way. Okay? Good.
If you’ve got some crazy f/m/k options , leave them in the comment section below. Get strange and inventive.

F/M/K: Scientology,Mormonism,Confucianism

Marry: Confucianism
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Pretty easy choice for a few reasons.
1)I know very little about it
2)From what I do know, seems harmless enough
I’m not a religious man in any way but the eastern religions seems to be the most chill by far. All I really know about Confucianism is that they must be all about little pearls of wisdom. Wasn’t Ghost dog down with that? Or was that the art of war? Who fucking knows? Regardless, I can abide by that. It just seems the least judgey of all the options. It’s more just a bunch of little suggestions. If that’s one thing i want out of my religion, it’s suggestions over “Rules!”.

Fuck: Scientology
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This was tough cause, to me, both Scientology and mormonism are equally insane. They’re both obviously made up (like all religion but with the added eye roll factor of being somewhat new, compared to the other religions). I think I would fuck scientology cause , while it seems to basically a ponzi scheme there are a handful of famous people I admire who are into it. I’m not saying that makes it okay but, hey, I could be scientologist for a day and maybe kick in with Beck and Isaac hayes. That’s worth a fuck, at least.

Kill: Mormon
Mormons
The downside of this choice is that Mormons are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Like, holy shit..they make canadians look like Donald Trump. So, on that level, I would feel bad. That said, their religion is so full of shit and without any hedonistic merit (which is what I’m basing all this on) that I’d have no choice. It’s like scientology without the fun parts. Equally creepy, the further you dig into it but the puritan judgmental aspects of Mormonism would be too much for me. I like premarital sex. I like drinking. I like cursing. Scientology doesn’t give a shit about all that. So, because of those things, Mormons gotta go.

F/M/K The Hey don’t worry, they’re legal, edition”:Shailene Woodley, Jennifer Lawrence, Chloe Grace-Moretz

Marry: Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer-Lawrence-3
I mean, I would legit marry her in real life and I don’t really even believe in marriage. J-law is super hot, seems cool (for an actress) and likes to have fun. She’s also a good amount older than these other two so I wouldn’t even feel weird about being with her. I didn’t watch her grow up from a child actor. She was young in “winter’s bone” but, even in that, I was like “Hmm..that girl is kinda hot”. Which is saying a lot cause she was dressed like an 1990’s british rapper that entire movie (tons of carhardt and boots).
I actually appreciate this person even putting J-Law as an option cause it’s the only one I feel 100% okay with.

Fuck: Shailene Woodley
Shailene-Woodley2
I think I pick her cause I honestly don’t really know who she is. I know she’s been in a bunch of movies that I’ll never see. She seems kinda cute, I guess, in a tom boyish way. But, more than anything, the lack of background knowledge makes me feel less gross about the concept of having sex with her. From the looks of her, she’s not a super sexually charged young woman. She’s not on some Kylie Jenner shit where that’s all she has going for her. Which, in life, is great. In this game? Less so. But still, I guess she’d get to have sex with a disgusting old man AKA me.

Kill:Chloe Grace-Moretz
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This choice is entirely made cause I cannot see her as anything but a child. The fucked up part is that she’s one of those young actresses that , when I first saw her, I had that creepy “Hmm…she’s gonna be hot when she’s older” moments. Thing is, now she’s older but I still see her as a little kid. I guess that’s a good thing for my brain to feel but still…Again, to bring up Kylie Jenner, she also doesn’t seem to ooze sexuality. She more seems like the brooding type. Not my cup of tea. But, mostly, this has to do with me seeing her in a way. She’s gonna be a little kid in my eyes until she’s in her late 20’s. Sadly, in this game, that’s an age she will not reach. DEAD!

F/M/K:Spotify, Youtube, Soundcloud

Kill: Spotify
spotify-logo
Straight up, i don’t use it. I know everyone loves it but I’m more the type of person who makes my own playlists, often using music that isn’t available on Spotify. So, really, it serves me no purpose. I’m sure it’s great and , if you wanna hear some new album, it’s ideal. I just have always found my way around that. I’m an old school guy. I still have an I-pod. It’s full of rare songs but little know artists I’ve ripped off of Soundcloud and youtube. Spotify is great but there is a basic bitch-ness to it’s selection that I can’t really mess with. Also, they way they pay artists (me) is pretty pathetic. So there is that too.

Fuck: Soundcloud
soundcloud
A year ago I woulda definitely killed Soundcloud but things have changed. Sure, it’s a wasteland of dudes who want you to listen to their demo. That’s a nightmare. But it’s also easy to ignore. On the bright side, it is a place where pretty much every new artist I fuck with puts up new music. It’s where you hear it first. That’s ideal to me. i’ve heard so much new shit I would never otherwise have known about via soundcloud, it’s nuts. Also, as an artist, it’s easy and fun to use. It reminds me of the good old days of myspace music but better. I’d put my dick all up in that.

Marry: Youtube
youtube-logo
This just isn’t fair cause the other two only play music. Youtube is mostly video content. It’s just such a larger scope. Not only is most music on there (The abundance or rarities on there, compared to spotify, is crazy) but you also get endless video clips. Movies, skits, vine compilations , etc…That’s the kinda of thing you settle down with and stay honest too. As long as you don’t read the comment section, it would be the most glorious marriage a person could have.

F/M/K Nasty Porn edition: Chicks with dicks, Bodybuilder chicks, Pregnant chicks

Marry: Pregnant chick
cute pregnant girls 1
Most brutal choices ever? Possibly.
These are all getting picked by default.
I would marry the preggo girl cause, eventually, she’ll have the baby and be a regular girl again. It’s not forever. But, would I be the kids dad then? I mean, pretty sure I didn’t get her pregnant. That’s a whole lot of drama but it’s still better than the other options.

Fuck: Body Builder chick
female bodybuilder (11)
Ughh…I’ve been on tinder for a few weeks and the amount of grossly buff cross fit/weightlifting girls on there is amazing. It’s truly unattractive to me. It’s crazy cause it turns the female form into boxy and, sometimes, fat looking. Like, I don’t doubt these girls are strong as fuck but it leaves many of them looking like spongebob square pants. These you got the actual body builders…who are basically men but one thing is missing…that dick. It’s for that reason I would reluctantly choose them to have sex with. God, i really would not wanna do that but, at the very least, they have a vagina for me to put my penis in. My frightened, jacked up viagra penis. in a way, these ladies are far more masculine than the Chicks with dicks but that dick is a big hump to get past.

Kill: Chicks with Dicks
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Like I said above, it’s all about the dick. I don’t want one of those things near me in a sexual manner. If this was Blow Job, Marry, Kill I might change my tune but it’s not. It’s FUCK. In this case, that could mean one of two things. I fuck her in the ass or she fucks me in the ass. Those are just huge “no go” options for your boring friend. The fucked up thing is I’ve seen some really beautiful Transexuals in my lifetime. Like ones who you would never guess were packing heat down there. But the second that dick would pop out? I’m gone. Sorry. All respect due though. Just not my thing.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 45

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Well, here we are once again. Alone, at last. Time for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. It is exactly what you think it is. That game frat dudes play. Yup. Just a little more in depth. As always, I feel obligated to say this is just for shits and giggles so please don’t take it seriously. The only reason I don’t do male options is cause I want to not fuck them all equally.
Anyway, if you have some funny ideas for F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section. Get creative cause I’ve been doing this column for years.
Okay…let’s see what we got this week.

FMK- Full House edition: Olsen Twins, Jodie Sweetin, Candace Cameron

Fuck: Candace Cameron
Candace-Cameron-Bure
This is really one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to hypothetically make. Really, there’s an argument to be made for fucking, marrying or killing all three of these choices. On one hand, as lame as it would be, a threesome with the olsen twins would be something I could write a best selling book about. Jodie Sweetin was/is a drug addled mess but, that could bode well for the sex. Candace Cameron is the most attractive of the bunch but also on some christian shit so…you know…that could be an issue.
But, when it comes down to it, i think my attraction to Candace Cameron and acceptance that it would be some bible thumping sex out weighs my desire to kiss a girl with meth mouth or see either of the Olsen twins naked. I realize this is a cop out but I’m a simple man and bad sex is more appealing to me than the other choices.

Marry: The Olsen twins
2013-Mary-Kate-Ashley-Olsen-by-Miguel-Riveriego-for-The-Edit-October-17-2013
For one thing, there’s two of them. Sure they look like Michael jackson at this point and I’m not on some polygamy shit but that would immediately keep things interesting. Variety and stuff. Secondly, they are the richest people on earth. yes, it’s shallow. I know this…but I don’t wanna marry any of these assholes (I’m sure the feeling is mutual) so marrying two rich girls is the most appealing option. This could easily backfire and leave me in house (actually a mansion,though) with two people I loath , who loath me back cause I’m stinking up one of their million dollar couches all day watching netflix in my underwear. But, you know what, that can happen in any marriage. The only difference is the price of the couch.

Kill: Jodie Sweetin
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The thing about Jodie is that you don’t know what you’re getting. She could be a fun druggie or she could be the type who stabs you in your sleep. I really don’t know. That risk is enough to make me opt out of putting a ring on her finger. I don’t enjoy “crazy” as a rule. So, you know, maybe I’d be doing her a favor. He life seems like a huge bummer anyway. It would kinda be a mercy killing.

F/M/K Cargo pants, church slacks, super long jean shorts

Kill: Super long jean shorts (JORTS)
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You know, if you asked me this question 20 years ago, Jorts woulda been my wife. But, sadly, those days have passed and Kevin Smith is the only dude still rocking these things. As corny as the other options are, there is no way to pull off jorts in 2015. It’s like a blaring siren screaming “DO NOT FUCK ME OR RESPECT ME”. These things need to be put to rest in real life and in the made up world where I have to choice to fuck/marry/kill things/people.

Marry: Cargo Pants
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As bad as cargo pants are, they’re at least comfortable. Also, styles exist that aren’t the absolute worst. Army Navy stores have kinds that don’t make me wince. Also, they’re the uniform of dads who have thrown the towel in. What better pants to marry? They’re like a step down from sweat pants but you can actually wear them to a restaurant and not feel like a hillbilly. Granted, putting them on basically deems you a eunuch but I’m married to them so who cares?

Fuck: Church pants
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I can’t lie…this is kinda by default but, at the same time, some baggy ass , steve harvey looking church pants would be hilarious to wear once. Like, imagine rocking them with no shame to a place where hipsters are? It would blow their fucking minds. I wouldn’t be shocked that, one day, church pants are the ironic hipsters go-to outfit. What’s more far from the norm than a bearded white asshole with tatts wearing “who framed roger rabbit?” pants and a band t-shirt at the same time? Mark my words…this will one day be a thing.

F/M/K (Orange is the new black Edition) Kimiko Glenn, Diane Guerrero, Ruby Rose

Marry: Ruby Rose
ruby-rose-03
Here’s the thing. She is beautiful. Like scary hot. Also, she’s a lesbian. So, here we come to a crossroad. Not to go off course here but I’m not a huge fan of marriage in general. Not that I think it people shouldn’t do it I just don’t know how I feel about it personally. So, when playing F/M/K and given the option of marrying a lesbian, I’m kinda into it. Why? Cause it turns into me just living with a roommate and living my life however I see fit. That’s kinda cool to me. Not to mention, I get along great with most lesbians I’ve met and partying with Ruby Rose would be fun. No jealousy. No “Where were you last night?!?”. Simply “G’day mate!” then carry on my day. The bonus of getting to look at her all day doesn’t hurt either.

Fuck: Diane Guerrero
diane-guerrero-at-emmy-awards-dynamic-and-diverse-nominee-reception_1
This is just playing into my wheelhouse right here. Hot , short latina girl? Forget about it. The only reason I don’t marry her is cause of the golden “Always marry the lesbian” rule I’ve instituted for “Fuck/marry/Kill”. But, I’m a big fan of this one and would probably be angling for more than one Eff sesh…I’m assuming my wife, Ruby Rose, would be cool with that…cause she’s the best. I LOVE MY WIFE!

Kill: Kimiko Glenn

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium - Arrivals Featuring: Kimiko Glenn Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 25 Jan 2015 Credit: Brian To/WENN.com

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium – Arrivals
Featuring: Kimiko Glenn
Where: Los Angeles, California, United States
When: 25 Jan 2015
Credit: Brian To/WENN.com


I got nothing against her. On the show, she’s kinda plain and annoying. Then, one episode, they showed her tits and I was like “oh daamnnnnnn”. Still, she’s not a really exciting choice. She’s certainly a pretty girl and , like i mentioned, the tits are well documented. I mean, in real life, she’s the type of girl who would probably roll her eyes at me for asking her if she’s in line for the bathroom and possibly vomit at the idea of making out with me but this isn’t real life soooooooo…
Swing swing swing, and chop chop chop.

F/M/K:Duane Reade, 7-11, Starbucks

Kill: 7-11
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This is new york-centric but fuck a 7-11. We don’t need them here and they’re basically just bringing the burbs to the city. I don’t take stands on much. I simply don’t care that deeply about most things but I boycott 7-11’s in NYC like they were hanging confederate flags in the window. Thing is, they’re unnecessary here. We have 24 hour bodegas and korean markets on every other corner. It’s one of the things that makes this city what it is. If you’re a person who was psyched to see a 7-11 open up in NYC, recognize you should probably move cause you’re making the city into the cornball factory it has become.

Fuck: Starbucks
starbucks-2
I don’t drink coffee so Starbucks doesn’t do much for me. That said, I have been known to stuff my face with sweets and I can’t front on da ‘bucks. When I’m in an airport at 8 am and craving an iced lemon pound cake (which is always), I know where to go. When I’m walking home from dinner and desire a cake pop, Starbucks is there in a pinch. I mean, granted, I could go my entire life without ever stepping foot in one and nothing would change but it is nice to know the option exists. So, lemme put my dick in that

Marry: Duane Reade
duane-reade
Of these three places, I’m up in Duane Reade the most. it’s a drug store, it’s a supermarket, it’s where I can buy bulk cadbury eggs around easter. What’s not to like? Also, it’s an NYC institution. So, by marrying it, I’d feel like I was joining with something special. Only downside of Duane Reade is that the people who work there tend to be slightly less polite than people who work at the DMV but, whatever…it would just add spice to your union.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 44

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Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s as stupid as it sounds. People sent in options and I oblige. As always, i much preface this by saying this is not meant to be taken even remotely seriously. I don’t want to kill or marry any of these people. It’s just a stupid bar game that I’ve expanded on. That’s all. Don’t be offended cause it’s not worth either of our time.
If you have interesting F/m/k options, leave them in the comment section below. Get creative cause I’ve covered a lot in the first 43 editions of this column.

F/M/K- GoT edition: Daenerys, Cercei, Margaery

Marry: Daenerys
Daenerys-Targaryen-daenerys-targaryen-24490868-1280-720

I mean, come on. Dat Pussy fire, AMIRITE?!?!?!
This is an easy choice as she’s the obvious #1 girl on Game of thrones (Though her hot assistant might be my favorite girl on the show). She’s the mother of dragons. Not that that means anything but from a physical and power standpoint , she’s the end all of pulls. It is a little intimidating that her two boyfriends have both been giant murderous hunks but sometimes finesse can persevere. Also, there would be a chance I could make a half dragon baby with her. Not sure if that’s a good or bad things though.

Fuck: Margery
T1xFJ
She’s sexy and manipulative. Put those things together and you get a real shit show of a relationship. The type that leave many men curled up in a corner , weeping, wondering what the hell happened. However, if you just keep it physical with her, I’d imagine it’s quite rewarding. Like, I bet she knows some tricks. Weird game of thrones tricks that don’t exist in the real world but involve hot rocks and liniments. Not to mention, unlike Daenerys , her past lovers have been children and sociopaths so I’d be pretty confidant going into this one.

Kill: Cercei
Game_of_Thrones_Cersei_Lannister
Cercei is pretty but also a terrible piece of shit. Just an awful person. She’s crazy, fucks her brother and cousin, and is responsible for creating the worst/best villain ever, Joffrey. Obviously, she gotta die. I mean, every week, I wait patiently for her to meet her demise and it never comes. Kinda like this Winter they keep fucking talking about. What’s up with that? Winter has been coming for like 4 seasons now. How long is goddamn autumn in the 7 kingdoms?

F/M/K- going back to college, moving to a small rural town, or growing white-guy dreads and wearing sandals everyday?

Kill:Growing white guy dreads and wearing sandals everyday
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Kill me. Kill meeeeeeeeeeeeee. This just goes against everything I believe in. If I had white guy dreads and wore sandals, I’d try and strangle myself every time I walked past a mirror. The dreads are one thing. I mean, as lame as they can be, I don’t think that’s the worst. But the open toed shoes on men? That I cannot condone. This is a huge point of contention and I realize a large portion of you disagree but, keep in mind, I live in NYC. It’s just not okay to wear that shit here. You’re by a beach or in the woods, go nuts. But anywhere that revolves around walking on concrete is a no fly zone for that bullshit. Sorry. It’s the rules…that I made up…but I stand by them.

Fuck: Moving to a small Rural town
small-town
I’d honestly probably lose my mind in a small town. I’m just too used to the amenities of a big city. Also, I don’t drive so I’d be stranded. On the bright side, i could wear flip flops all day and feel no shame (I still wouldn’t though…ever).
But, seriously, there is a part of me that thinks I could enjoy that slow country living for a little bit. I could never “marry” that lifestyle but I’d dip my dick in and see what it feels like. No harm in that.

Marry: Going back to college
college-guys-drinking1
I dropped out of college. I hated school. I was terrible at it. That said, I actually sometimes wish I had stayed. Not for the learning. Definitely not. But for the social aspect of it. Living in dorms, being on campus with tons of other students. Parties. Girls. That stuff. Now, there is no way I could ever go back to college and do well as a student. It’s just not in the cards but , if I could go, get C- type grades and just live the college life? I’d be all over that. Not at my current age but, still…15-20 years ago it would have been so much fun.

F/M/K- cake, pie, brownies.

Marry:Cake
Chocolate-Mousse-Cake-2
I marry cake cause it’s got a versatility that Brownies don’t have. There are thousands of types of cake. Some of them suck but that’s beauty of cake…you don’t have to eat those shitty types. For instance, wedding cakes are usually pretty wack. But birthday cakes? Pretty awesome. What about ice cream cakes? That’s some next level shit. just thinking about all this cake is getting me worked up. I’mma go put my dick in an entenmann’s box and pick out a ring.

Fuck:Brownies
brownies
I love brownies. As a stand alone thing, I’d take them over cake. However, they’re limited. I don’t think I could eat a brownie a day. Well, I’m sure I could but that’s not the point. Variety is the spice of life. Sure, a sea salt fudge brownie makes my jaw ache but that’s just lust. I lust for brownies. I wanna fuck the shit out of brownies. Can’t say I wanna make love to them though. They are the perfect mistress.

Kill: Pie
Rhubarb_Pie
I’m torn here. On one hand, I’m not a pie guy. I think warm fruit is always gross and if given the choice, I pass on it always. Even non-fruit based pies aren’t my thing. It’s like they can’t decide if they wanna be cake or pudding. I honestly don’t know how anyone would ever take something filled with fruit over a iced, delicious , soft cake. That’s insanity to me. The only saving grace of pies is that they have a savory side to them. Meat pies. Spinach pies. I love that kinda shit. I would probably marry those alone but, alas, the warm fruit version has to come in a ruin it for everyone. Sorry Pie…

Fuck/Marry/Kill-Grace Jones ,Nina Simone ,Janis Joplin

Kill: Janis Joplin
janis_joplin
This is tough. I’m definitely not attracted to Janis. She’s always had that new born gerbil face that makes me think she got taken out of the oven a little too soon. Also, she’s one of those people who I can tell smelled like shit. A boozing, drug addled hippie? That’s a slight step up from homeless woman on the “how bad does the person smell” flow chart. I dunno. She had a great voice but she’s just not doing it for me. Also, the kill part would be easy cause she’s been dead for like 40 years.

Fuck: Grace Jones
GraceJones
Grace Jones is terrifying. I can definitely see her ripping a dick off with her bare hands but I think that’s part of the appeal. If Grace jones wants to have sex with you, you kinda have to do it, right? If for no other reason, the experience and story it would create. It’s one of those “just let yourself go” situations. Sure, i might end up a pile of bones in the end but , in a way, that’s really going out in a blaze of glory.

Marry: Nina Simone
Nina-Simone1
This was tough for me cause I had an inner battle between my heart and my brain. On one hand, Nina Simone is not a handsome woman. She’s also a tortured soul. That’s a lot of emotions being put on the plate. However, she’s easily of of my favorite singers ever and I can’t kill her. I’d also imagine she’s capable of a level of passion that is crazy. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but it’s something. Worst case scenario, i’d just listen to her sing all day and probably get murdered in my sleep. That’s fine. I probably deserved it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 43

Difficult business decision
Hi there and welcome to your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/MArry/Kill. Yes, the same game your awful frat bro plays. As always, I must remind the overly sensitive readers that this is all for jokes. I don’t wanna kill any of these people. I don’t think they would or should fuck or marry me either. This just a game. The only reason I don’t do men is cause I don’t want to have sex with them equally. I’d probably marry a man though…best roommate ever!
Anyway, if you have any interesting ideas for who i should F/m/K, lemme know. Leave them in the comments below. It can be people, places, things…anything. Get creative. Stay away from the Katy Perry, Madonna, Snookie types. They’ve been done to death.
Okay, let’s pop this off…

F/M/K: The three girls on “Girls” who are not Lena Dunham AKA Allison Williams, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet

Kill: Jemima Kirke
jemima-kirke
I’d like to acknowledge that I am a man who watches the show “Girls”. There is nothing wrong with this and I would argue it’s only bad in the sense that every character on the show is a terrible person. Outside of that, it’s actually pretty well done. Okay? Good.
So, as i just mentioned, every character on that show is terrible. In the case of Kirke, they make her the one that you’re supposed to maybe like. Kinda. But, to me, she’s the worst of the worst (excluding Dunham’s character). The thing about “Girls” is that i really do know people like every character on this show. In the case of Kirke, this kind of person and I do not mix. The fake free spirit type who are actually just incredibly selfish and judgmental? Fuck all that. Killing that kinda person would be a joy. Now, you may be thinking I’m talking too much about the character but I firmly believe that character was based on the actress in a major way. So, I’m just taking it all out on her. Sorry!

Fuck: Zosia Mamet
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Time to get a little shallow here but…she’s got a banging body. That’s pretty much my reasoning here. Of the three, she’s easily my favorite on all counts even though, technically, she’s actually the most busted and annoying one. Well, to each their own. I would like to have sex with her. If for no other reason than to get some of that good old Mamet DNA. Just kidding. I don’t give a fuck about plays.

Marry: Allison Williams
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She’s “The pretty one”. And ,yes, she is pretty. She’s also kinda the worst which makes this a tough choice. She’s one of the theater dorks who can sing and dance and LOOOOOVES to show us all that fact as often as possible.. While that kind of person generally makes my skin crawl, she kinda wins by default. As annoying as those people can be, I’ll take them over the british scenester girl. So, really, much like in life, she wins cause she’s pretty. I’m not proud of it and I would be very unhappy in this marriage but, on the bright side, so would she. I’d be a terrible husband.

F/M/K:DJ Premier Beats,Dr. Dre Beats, Madlib Beats

Fuck: DJ Premier beats
DJ-Premier1
I really could gone a number of ways with this. Primo is responsible for many of my favorite beats. He’s a legend without question.So why am I fucking his beats, instead of marrying them? Well, it’s more out of respect for Dre than anything. Primo’s beats would make a fine wife. And imagine our kids?!!? But, at the end of the day, while he’s had more biters than any producer I can think of, he didn’t change the landscape of music like Dre did. He was simply one of the best at his craft and I’d hit that for sure.

Marry: Dr Dre beats
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Dre changed the game. Multiple times. His sound is timeless and applies to all walks of life. That versatility and longevity make his beats the ideal wife. Sure, he probably hasn’t touched a sampler in like 20 years. who cares? He made the fucking Chronic! In rap music, legacy goes a long way. He’s earned his stripes ten fold and , in the same way, he’s earned my sweet hand in marriage.

Kill: Madlib beats
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I’ve never been a huge Madlib guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, they guy has made tons of great music but I’m a little older than the generation that worships him. I grew up idolizing Dre and Primo. To me, Madlib was closer to a peer who did much much better than I did, if that makes sense. It’s hard to compare someone like that to someone who you deem a legend or someone who you feel helped shape the entire landscape of rap music for generations to come. To be fair, it’s not his fault. His competition was just too fierce here. I woulda killed me in this situation as well. It’s only right.

F/M/K:Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu ,Santigold

Kill:Lauryn Hill
lauryn-hill-clown
Man, there was a time when she would get married so quickly. When the Fug-e-la video dropped I was legit in love with her. The looks, the talent…she was amazing. But, time has been rough on Mrs. Hill. She had like 15 kids and wears lipstick like a deranged murderer might. She’s become recluse and diva…at the same time. That’s can’t be a pleasant mix to be around. For as talented as she was and is she’s , apparently, equal parts crazy now. I simply don’t have that thing in me whereI wanna be around crazy people. Sanity is great. Highly underrated, especially when choosing a mate. She’s not even that erotic kinda crazy where you know the sex would be awesome , as long as you got out quick afterwards. No, she even seems like the sex would be fucking weird and possibly dangerous. Lots of “Don’t look at me!” and order barking. Not my speed.

Fuck: Erykah Badu
Erykah-Badu_Thick-Booty
Two things
1) She secretly has one of the best asses in the business. This is an easy selling point for me.
2) she might be magic.
She’s not only dated but had kids with some of the best rappers of this generation and previous generations. Andre 3000, D.O.C., Jay Electronica and I guess I’ll count Common too. She must have something really special going on there. Rappers don’t just have kids with anyone…hahahahaha…just kidding but, seriously, she has been the muse to some insanely talented people and that alone has be curious of the power she holds within her vagina. I mean, her teeth are yellow as fuck and no one seems to care. It must be glorious. So glorious, in fact, that I’d be lying if I said it didn’t intimidate me a bit. Like, what if , once you sleep with Badu, it ruins other vagina for you? Like how people talk about having sex on ecstasy. It’s possible. It makes a lot of sense!

Marry: Santigold
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I honestly don’t know much about Santigold. I know she’s pretty and from brooklyn so there’s that. I don’t really listen to her music but, from what I’ve heard, I always think she’s M.I.A.
Whatever the case, she kinda falls into the marriage category by default. For all I know she’s batshit crazy and I’d be making a terrible life choice but, hey, what’s life if you ain’t living?
This is one of those risk/reward situations. Roll the dice with me, Santigold.

F/M/K: Candy Ravers, Elitist Hipsters ,“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”

Kill: Candy Ravers
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Simply put, I’m too old for that shit. I’ve seen some super hot ravers over the last 5 years but it’s impossible for me to not look at them as children…cause they are. The clothes are fucking stupid and it’s a scene that, in general, makes no sense to my old ass mind. I do like candy though…

Marry:“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”
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I think the only reason I’m marrying this one is cause I don’t think this is a “type” of person. This is simply some shit that happens. We’ve all been to shows and gotten shitfaced. I look at this person as normal. Sure, the person can be a liability. i’ve certainly dealt with my share of sloppy disasters at shows, falling all over the merch table and repeating the same sentence to me over and over again (side note: Try your best to NEVER be that person. That person sucks) but, in the morning, they’re sober and most likely a decent human being. It’s only an issue if that lifestyle is an everyday thing. Fortunately , you can only go to so many shows in week. I’d be playing the odds on this one and hoping for the best.

Fuck: Elitist hipster
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Well, for one, it would be fun to hate fuck one of these assholes. I’m sure their critique of my sexual prowess would be like a pitchfork review but, thems the breaks. Secondly, say what you will but hipster girls are hot. They dress well and are always on point…cause they have to be. I can’t say I’ve hooked up with many legit hipster types in my life but I’ve definitely wanted to so this would fulfill that desire.
On a side note, The cool thing about elitist hipsters is that they’re generally insecure suburbanites who moves to whatever city they live in now to be the asshole they always wanted to be. They can say whatever they want to me. I’ll be fine. They still will be back at the townie bar come thanksgiving, hating life, and that’s one of the purest equalizers known to man.