Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 39

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Whattup everyone. Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. however, as always, I must remind you that this is not meant to be taken seriously. If you find it offensive, just know that I am well aware that I have no right to fuck, marry or kill any of these things/places/people. The only reason I don’t do men is cause it would be a three way tie for who I wanna fuck the least, every time.
So, yeah, lighten up. Also, if you got some creative ideas for Fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. I can’t stress the “creative” part enough. Get wild.

F/M/K:Scarlett Johansson in Ghost World, Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation, Scarlett Johansson in Match Point

Marry: Scarlett in “Lost in Translation”
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I gotta say, these options are pretty obviously laid out. Each character represents a different side of sweet sweet Scarlett. In the case of “Lost in translation” she plays a under appreciated young wife. She’s thoughtful and in love but her husband is Giovanni Ribisi, so…you know, nuff said. Her character is pretty much written as the perfect wife. Even though the whole movie is about her finding a common bond with an older man , forming an emotional connection with him and (SPOILER ALERT) kissing him in an almost platonic way. She only does it cause her husband pushed her to it. I can get behind that. She’s okay in my book.

Fuck: Scarlett in “Match Point”
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Simply put, she’s just a hot little sexpot in this movie. There’s nothing more to it. To be honest, I had a friend tell me about her in this movie and , whenever it’s on cable I just check to see if she’s on screen. If she isn’t, I change the channel. So, in a sense, I’ve “seen” this movie about 20 times but never from start to finish , yet I have a faint idea of what it’s about. Basically, I’ve perused it much like I would an old porn VHS tape. From what I’ve seen, she looks amazing in this movie. So, this choice is fairly easy. Fuck fuck fuck.

Kill: Scarlett in “Ghost World”
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This is early scarlett. I’m not even sure she was over 18 at this point. I remember watching this movie and barely even noticing her. She wasn’t yet there, which is a good thing cause she was a child and I don’t need those guilty thoughts on my conscience.
In the movie, she plays a husky voiced girl who is drifting apart from her quirky and somewhat irrational best friend. Honestly, the thing I remember most about her is her voice. She’s a baritone. Add that to the underage thing and it’s an no brainer.
Side note: I do feel bad “killing” a teenager but that’s the name of the game.

F/M/K:Words-“Basic”, “Hipster”,“Selfie”

Marry: “Basic”
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I love that this word means what it means. For so long the world has needed a single word that could cover so much ground. A catch all generalization. Most people are “basic”. Meaning simple and uninteresting. They go along with whatever happens around them cause they’re too dumb or self involved to even bother questioning things. The only downside of this word is that it gets used by everyone so freely it’s become one of those words that will eventually lose it’s meaning. Kinda like hipster. Everyone is basic to someone else. Somewhere out there, a juggling drag queen , physicist who owns a bait and tackle shop in the himalayan mountains is being called “basic” by some salty hater who, in all reality, it’s probably pretty basic.

Kill: “Selfie”
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Obviously. We, as a race of humans, are the worst. Selfies represent many facets of why we are the worst. Now, to be clear, I’m not even that bothered by them. In fact, if you’re a hot girl, don’t ever stop taking them. Just know that , as pleasing as they can be to the eye, they do speak of a silent desperation, desire to be liked and loneliness.
Beyond the actual seflies, the term “selfie” has become like the word “literally” in it’s misuse. It now means any picture taken by anyone of any number of people. I think as long as someone is holding the camera and taking the picture of themselves and whoever else is with them, it qualifies as a “selfie”, which makes no sense. That’s like calling an orgy “masturbating”.

Fuck: “Hipster”
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I don’t really know how this one lands on “fuck” but it’s pretty much by default. I feel as though Hipster is no longer a useful term cause it means everything and everyone. Basically, If you’re a person between 15-40 and you pay attention to anything involved in the pop culture stratosphere in the slightest capacity, you are a hipster. I’m a hipster. You’re a hipster. Your dad might be a hipster. Clearly, it’s not a select group like it used to be. It’s also turned into a derogatory term for any one who someone feels tries too hard…which is ironic considering that actual hipsters, by nature, are all about trying too hard. They’re all about being the first to know about something and, in general, being ahead of the social curve. You know who the real hipsters are? Crazy right wing separatists. Mark my word, when the the economy collapses and shit starts hitting the fan, they’ll be the ones in their homemade bunkers like “I was about this revolution lifestyle , like, forever…”

FMK: Andie MacDowell, Frances McDormand, Mary Steenburgen

Kill: Frances Mcdormand
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Even though she’s , by far, my favorite actress of this bunch , I’m still a flawed and shallow man. I don’t want to kill her. Not even a little bit but in this fucked up game, there always has to be one. As talented as she is, she’s just not someone I would ever want to put my penis inside (I’m sure the feelings mutual so i don’t feel that bad). This is 100% based on physical traits and I’m ashamed…but i’m also not a liar.

Fuck: Andie Macdowell
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I can’t say I’ve ever been too attracted to Andie Macdowell. She’s made a career of being the sweet and relatable pretty southern lady that dates dudes in their 40′s. As a man inching towards my 40′s, I suppose it’s time I submit and just accept that Andie macdowell is a good pull for an older man (or, I should say, the Andie Macdowell of the 90′s). She’s certainly not an ugly lady. She’s very pretty in that “I don’t care what her vagina looks” kinda way. There’s a definite lack of sexual oomph from Mrs Macdowell. But, hey, if she’s good enough for Steve martin and Bill Murray (in movies), She’s surely good enough for me.

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
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Check this out…She’s low key kinda hot. Very low key. Look at the pic above. I bet you didn’t know that whole thing was working like that, did you? Not only that, as a wife, she seems like she’d be amazing. She’s sweet, warm and just looks like how I imagine a wife looks for an older man. She’s one of those older women who , as a younger man, you never even consider as “attractive” cause they’re so much older than you but, as a full grown adult, i can see it. She’s a sneaky one.

F/M/K Asia, Africa, Europe (the continents, not 80s bands)

Marry: Europe
europe-english-teaching-abroad-map1This is a fucked up one. I should note that I don’t create these options. They are sent in from readers.
So, yeah…I’mma marry Europe. Why? Cause I’m of european descent , I’ve been there a bunch of times and it makes sense to me. I’m sure there are a grip of you out there fondling your lame dicks to the idea of marrying Asia (cause you’re asia-phile creeps) but, to me, I’m all about comfort and simplicity. I may not understand what people are saying in many parts of europe but, for the most part, it still feels like planet earth to me. The signs are in english letters (Except far east), the food is amazing and varied , and the women are just like the food. I dunno if i could ever truly live in another country but , if I did, it would undoubtedly be somewhere in europe.

Fuck: Asia
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I really don’t have a deep desire to go anywhere in Asia. Not saying I wouldn’t, but there’s nothing in me that’s dying to get out there. It should also be noted that I’m also not a person who loves traveling. I do it so much in my normal life that the thrill is gone. That said, I’d do it. So “Fucking” asia makes perfect sense. I’d be most excited about the food cause, let’s face it, asian food is pretty much the best. Other then that, I’m far too much a creature of comfort to ever truly feel at home out there. I had enough trouble feeling chill in eastern europe , let alone a continent with like 100 billion people who don’t speak english and are constantly on the go. Admittedly, I’m the selfish asshole here and i bet the continent of asia is fucking amazing but, hey, no ones perfect.

Kill: Africa
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This one is just setting me up for a backlash. It’s a lose/lose.
I just wanna clarify that Africa is the mother of civilization and , in many ways, the most important continent in earth’s history. None of us would be here without Africa. But this isn’t about history. It’s about the reality of what place ‘d want to marry, fuck or kill. I have ZERO interest ever going there. I’m simply just not that kind of adventurous dude. Some people want to explore foreign lands and experience other cultures. Me? i just wanna eat good food and take it easy. I mean, perhaps if I was a wild life enthusiast or something but, I’m not. I think that Africa is just place that doesn’t speak to my personal interests. All the good things about it are things that don’t really excite me as a destination. Also, civil unrest and disease are not my bag so, regrettably, I would have to kill africa.

Fuck/Marry/Kill vol. 38

Gold Silver Bronze

Hi there! This is exactly what it looks like. A simple game of Fuck/marry/kill. As always, i am forced to preface this column with a reminder that it’s not that serious. It’s shits and giggles. I’m not here to belittle the female sex. The only reason I don’t throw men in the pot is cause I don’t want to fuck them all equally. Except Clive owen. He’s the man.
Anyway, These are all reader submitted options. If you’d like to give me some ideas, feel free to leave them in the comment section below.

Fuck/Marry/Kill, the body-mod edition: a girl with (huge) ear gauges/ a girl with a pierced corset / a girl with a (permanent) grill

Marry: Permanent Grill
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This is a tough one cause I’m really not into any of these things on any level. But, of the three, I find the grill the least gross so it wins strictly based of that. It would be no different than marrying a girl with adult braces except the added embarrassment of having that “Yeah, my wife had a permanent gold grill…” conversation over and over again. Physically, it doesn’t irk me. It’s just I feel as though a person who makes this life commitment is a cornball and that might wear me down. But, whatever, it’s better than a person who creates an open anus on their ears or whatever the fuck that corset thing is.

Kill: Pierced Corset
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I’m a squeamish guy when it comes to certain things. While I probably wouldn’t flinch at seeing a person punched in the face of hit by a car, seeing things happen to skin grosses me the fuck out. Seeing skin pulled like how that picture above shows it, makes my balls feel funny and it’s simply not something I can look at for very long. I recall playing a show once where they had people hanging from the ceiling but their skin via hooks and I almost barfed every time I walked by it. This would be a no go for me on every level. I simply don’t have the stomach for it. Also, what’s wrong with you, girl? Take those fish hooks out your back! Call your father!
I’m simply not about that fetish life. At all. Ol’ meat and potatoes ass dude.

Fuck: Huge Ear Gauges
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Let me first clarify, I fucking hate these things. I hate how they look. I hate how I imagine they smell (buttholes). The bigger they are, the worse. I legit have been turned off by them before to the point where I’ve seen an insanely hot girl with them and it was like she might as well have been a man to me. Look at the girl above. Perfectly cute. But, those things kill it. So, if anything, this is more of a statement of how gross that pierced corset thing is to me. But, i suppose, I’d have to fuck the huge ear gauge girl. Not in her ear gauges. Holy shit…that would be insane. i wonder if people do that? You know what? I’d bet my life that there are people out there who fuck the holes in other peoples ears. I mean, if there are dudes making love to each others peeholes (look it up if you wanna truly ruin your day), surely a handful of people have boned the huge hole in another persons ear. Barf.

F/M/K:soy sauce – mayonnaise – hot sauce

Marry: Mayonnaise
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Fuck yallllllll! I love Mayo and I don’t care what you think. If the food is savory, it will generally work with mayo (obviously there are exceptions). It’s creamy, tangy and , back when I was a single man living alone, literally the only thing in my fridge.
My love of mayo is probably the whitest thing about me , outside of my skin color. Some people love ketchup. Some love mustard. Fuck that noise though…I ride for mayo. I wanna make songs about Mayo the way Jay-z did about Beyonce. It’s that real.

Fuck:Soy Sauce
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The thing about soy sauce is that it’s very specific. It only goes with very certain foods. but, when it works, it’s the perfect sauce. I’m a guy who loves me some salty things so , you throw some asian food in front of me and I’m dumping soy sauce on it like it’s on fire. Hell, when I was kid my mom used to buy bricks of tofu (I lived in one of those healthy households that never had sugary cereals). I would take the entire brick of that flavorless shit, dump soy sauce on it and eat it like it was a steak And, you know what? I’d do it to this day.
But, like I said, soy sauce is not an everyday thing. So, I fuck it. It’d be some good , salty brown sex though.

Kill: Hot sauce
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This one will very likely go down as my least popular choice in the history of fuck/marry/kill. I know how seriously people take their hot sauce. I know how much some people hate Mayo too. But, alas, this is my show and I get to make the choices. Straight up, i don’t give a shit about hot sauce. When I do use it, I tend to lean heavily toward the least hot ones possible. I love me some vineger-y shit but I’m not a fan of eating food that hurts. That burning you guys like so much? Nah, B. It doesn’t add flavor for me. It just makes eating food slightly uncomfortable. I do like when my sinus’ get cleared but, in general, if I have a choice to eat anything spicy or anything mild, I go mild every time. I prefer medium spice but I’ll take mild over something that makes me feel like I need to drink a glass of milk. I realize there are endless types of hot sauce and I actually do like it at times…but, in general, thats at the bottom of the list for me as condiments I crave. Sorry to everyone on earth cause I realize how much you disagree with me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Lisa Bonet, Kristen Wiig ,Winona Ryder

Kill: Kristen Wiig
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You know, this is the second time I’ve killed Wiig in this game and it really bums me out. She’s awesome. She’s hilarious and likable. It’s just…I don’t find her attractive. Thing is, she’s not unattractive at all. It’s just a personal preference I have. She’s kinda like a muppet. A hot muppet…but a muppet none the less. It also doesn’t help that her competition are two of my all time favorites from my youth. I swear, one of these days, I will marry her hypothetically…now is simply not that time.

Fuck:Lisa Bonet
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In her prime, possibly one of the best faces ever. Soooooo fucking pretty. She’s getting along in years a this point but she’s still beautiful. But, more than that, this would be a childhood dream realized. As someone who grew up watching the Cosby Show, she was always the one. Rudy was a kid, Vanessa was…Vanessa. And sandra was old and boring. But Denise? Gaddamn. She even was hip and hung out in the village. In fact, it would be safe to say she was way too cool for me but still…all the more reason. You also have to factor in that she was married to Lenny Kravitz. She must have some magic going on to keep him faithful for however many years that was.

Marry: Winona Ryder
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She must be in her late 40′s right now and pretty much looks exactly the same as she did 20 years ago. She’s is a freak of nature in the white woman aging game. Her and Marisa Tomei.
She’s been a favorite of mine for decades now and , honestly, one of the women of my youth that, to this day, is the blueprint of “my type”.
Cute faced Brown haired girls (though she’s a little paler than my favorite type) with curves who are kinda short. That’s my wheelhouse right there. And she’s 100% one of the reasons for that. Shout out to Pheobe Cates though.
So yeah, this is a simple choice for me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill:advice from Dr. Phil / advice from Dr. Drew / advice from Dr. Oz

Marry: Advice from Dr. Drew
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This is a no brainer. I know people hate on Dr. Drew and shit on him for exploiting famous drug addicts but I’ve listened to enough Lovelines to know that he’s not a dumb man. He’s reasonable and actually knows what he’s talking about. He’s a guy who I think actually cares. Sure, he may spread himself thin but that doesn’t take away that he’s been doing this kinda shit for real for around 30 years. I’m pretty sure the other two dipshits offered up cannot say the same thing. Also, my girl is obsessed with him so she’d probably be pretty psyched if I married his advice.

Fuck:Advice from Dr. Oz
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I really don’t know shit about Dr. Oz except that he’s not Dr. Phil and his smile is mad creepy. I know Oz recently cause caught out there for pushing some faulty diet pills (or something like that) but we’re talking advice here. i don’t even know if he’s a real doctor. Maybe he’s just a good listener who failed upwards. Whatever the case is, the level of advice I’d take from him might range from “Hey, is this milk still good?” to “I dunno, do you think it’s too late to order a pizza?”. The last thing I’d ever do is ask some hyper smiley plastic faced man for advice about anything remotely important.
Side note, asking for advice with matters of the heart is bullshit. Not only cause no one ever takes advice but cause we are all our own people with our own nuances. It’s never black and white. It amazes me that we live in a world where “advice” is such a notable thing cause , really, when’s the last time you really took some life advice? Not often, bro. Not often.

Kill: Advice from Dr. Phil
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I feel as though Dr. Phil is a doctor like I’m a doctor. “Ask dr. Tony” is as viable a source of info as anything Dr. Phil has ever put out there. Actually, i might argue my advice is better cause i will never bring god into it and I’m a reasonable person. Dr. Phil is some weird southern snake oil salesman who , I think, gets by cause he looks and sounds trustworthy to stupid people. I dunno…I look at him and see a lonely power bottom waiting for last call at a gay bar but, I suppose, in places where that kinda guy doesn’t
exist, he looks like the smartest guy in your town. Thank god I’m not from that town. I prefer power bottom Phil greatly.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 37

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Welcome to another soul stirring edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. Yup, it’s exactly what is sounds like. You guys sent me options, I give you my take on them. As always, I feel the need to preface this column with “It’s not at all serious so please don’t take offense to it”. The only reason I don’t do options with men is cause , in the end, I want to fuck them all the exact same amount- not at all. Know what I mean?
If you got an inventive fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. Feel free to go outside the box cause I’ve exhausted most of the other choices (Katy perry, madonna, lady gaga etc…)
Anyway, here are this weeks choices.

F/M/K: The plastic edition: Heidi Montag, Coco, Courtney Stodden

Marry: CoCo
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I figure, is she’s good enough for Ice-T, she’s certainly good enough for me.
Coco is one of those freak of nature people who’s body doesn’t make sense at all. While I’m sure she’s had a fair amount of work done to her chest, her ass is actually all natural. How do I know? Well, I’ve seen her in person. In real life, she’s much more compact and squat than she seems in pictures. She kinda reminds me of an old He-Man character “Ram Man“. Hearing that description you may be thinking “Than why would you marry her?” well, cause she seems nice and is, by far, the least insane of the three. At her worst, she’s a little corny and basic. I’ll take that over clinically insane any day.

Fuck: Hiedi Montag
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As clown like as she has gotten, there was a small period where the plastic surgery actually kinda worked for her. Sure, her face looked weird (it always did though) and her breasts were comical but , outside of that, she had her body in a good, albeit completely unrealistic place. It should also be noted (and then quickly forgotten) that I was someone who watched “The hills”. If anything, that little tidbit of knowledge should lessen how seriously anyone should take this column by leaps and bounds. But, yeah, Hiedi was a nut case but she was kinda hot in a plastic person that doesn’t exist in real life/porn star kinda way.

Kill: Courtney Stodden
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I mean,does this even need explaining? I feel like, if you’re a dude who is really into Courtney Stodden, you either have serious issues upon serious issues or blonde people don’t exist in your country. She was a child bride at age 15 to a dude in late 40′s. She had her first boob job before she was 16. She also played the devout religion card , all while dressing like how a 7 year old child with sexual abuse history probably imagines a “glamourous sex worker”. All that said, her parents are really the ones I should be killing but they weren’t in this equation, so it’s gotta be her. Even outside of all this awful stuff, her lust for fame is depressing and it’s only a matter of time before she’s in a porn. I mean, it could be literally any day now. And , trust me, it will be grosser than a murder.

F/M/K: cracker edition. Saltines, Ritz, and Keebler Club crackers.

Kill: Keebler Club Crackers
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I honestly don’t know who these things exist for. They’re like a shittier hybrid of saltines and ritz. It’s like, people are out getting groceries and come across the cracker aisle like “Hmm…I need to get a cracker that no one will ever want to eat but that i can dump on people I have over for drinks if i just cover them with some bullshit cheese….”
That should be the slogan for Club Crackers “When you need to get rid of some bullshit cheese and you don’t respect your guests…Club crackers”.

Marry: Saltines
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Good old, boring, reliable saltines. They are as basic as a cracker gets…but they win cause I love salt. No fancy herbs or spices here. Just a bland ass cracker with some salt on top. Works for me! I feel like, in marriage, if you go with extremes, it will eventually either blow up in your face or that thing you once loved will become the thing you hate the most about that person. By choosing saltines, I’m playing it safe. Sure, it wouldn’t be a thrill ride to marry Saltines, but it will be nothing if not steady. The only thing i have to remember is to never try and eat a bunch of them with no beverage, cause that’s impossible.

Fuck: Ritz
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I never loved Ritz really. Like most crackers, they’re at their best when smothered in other things. Peanut butter, cheese, even some hummus. But, for this challenge, they’d be great for a one off. To be honest, Ritz is probably the most versatile of the three crackers but, I dunno…They never really touched my soul like Saltines did. It’s funny cause, on paper, Ritz should win. They’re buttery. I love butter! They’re salty. I’m bout that salt life. But, I dunno…i never loved the consistency of them. Just a personal preference I suppose.
To be honest, if the Club crackers had been replaced by Triscuits, I would killed these ritz pretty quickly. Triscuits go hard.

F/M/K: Idina Menzel, Lea Michele, Lizzy Caplan

Marry: Lizzy Kaplan
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I would literally marry her. It’s not even a game, son! She’s the best. Not only is she hot, funny and talented but she also has one of the craziest bodies ever. BIG FAN. As I’ve noted many times in F/M/K, my soft spot for jewish girls runs deep. Especially NYC jew types. It’s like high school all over again. This was the easiest choice of the week by a landslide.

Fuck: Lea Michele
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I kinda know who she is but definitely had to google her (and Idina menzel as well). Turns out she’s kinda hot and on a TV show you couldn’t pay me to watch. Also, her husband/boyfriend (not sure which) just killed himself. Now, allow me to get dark here but sex with a person who just lost someone could go a few ways. It could be the absolute worst thing ever and involve tears and panic attacks OR it could be someone venting their demons via their orgasms. I’d roll the dice for the latter and hope for the best. If it doesn’t pan out positively, I’d deserve it for being a piece of shit who preys on newly single widows.

Kill: Idina Menzel
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I literally had no idea who this was. She’s a broadway actress (who was in “Rent” so, off the bat, SHE’S DEAD TO ME ALREADY) and she currently or used to be with Taye diggs. That knowledge plus a glance at her pictures told me that she was one of those atrocious theater dorks that sings and dances really well but in the corniest way possible. They can’t help it. They’re groomed that way. Whatever the case, that type of person is like my personal kryptonite so , sadly, she’s off the the gallows. I bet she’ll make it super dramatic.

F/M/K: Twitter, Instagram, Phat Friend

Fuck: Instagram
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The gram is fun. And this choice works on a few different levels.
For one, the most attractive people are on Instagram. Not only that, but they exist there just to show off how attractive they are. If i was a 12 year old boy, I could jerk of to instagram all day. That’s pretty big. Secondly, as an app, it’s easy going and fun. Sure, I gotta scroll through people’s dumb ass meals and sunsets all the time but it’s a great time waster and usually good for a chuckle at any given moment. In that sense, it’s a great thing to “fuck”. Just peak in, stick your dick in it, and get out.

Marry: Phat Friend
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I mean, this is me. I’m not gonna fuck or kill myself. In fact, it’s safe to say I’m already married to this blog, for better or worse. And , Like a real marriage, there are certainly times I wish this blog would just go away. At the time same time, it is one of the only things that gives my life structure so it’s almost necessary. Still, this blog is tied into me tightly so there really is no other option but to marry it…until i kill it, of course.

Kill: Twitter
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I like twitter. It’s fun. But, it’s also full of shit. Hell, just this week i put out an album with Marq Spekt and seeing how twitter ad campaigns work is depressing. It’s getting like 20 people with 1000 plus followers to retweet the same thing over and over again. It’s not spam, but it is. I could foresee twitter becoming just that in a few years. Kinda like how Myspace became all ad-bots. Still, like i said, i do fuck with twitter and I don’t really wanna kill it but the other two choices win easily. On the bright side, the world might be a better place if I killed twitter…but where would we all get our news from? Tough life choices, yo.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 36

choices
Hello. Time once again for america’s favorite time killer, Fuck/Marry/kill. You guys gave me options, I gave you my picks. As simple a concept as the day is long.
As always, for all you hyper sensitive/easily offended people out there, i will remind you that this is all in fun. It’s not nearly as serious as you’d like it to be so, please, don’t bother being offended by it. It’s dumb. I’m aware of that. We cool? i hope so.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

F/M/K: Amber Rose, Iggy Azalea, Azealia Banks

Marry: Amber Rose
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This was actually tough cause, in all three cases, I was leaning toward both fuck and kill. Marriage, however, was not one I would easily apply to any of these women. So, I thought long and hard. Did some soul searching. I came up with Amber Rose as the wife. How did I come to this place? Well, when you’re dealing with a stalemate, you have to look towards the subtleties. I picked her cause , well, she’s probably the least awful person of the three to be around. I’ve seen her in interviews. She’s as dumb as a toaster oven and slightly corny but she seems , at the very least, sweet. She’s not like one of those basketball wives and she’s not a crazy person. She’s just a girl who was blessed with a crazy ass , who shaves her head. I think we could make it work.

Kill: Iggy azalea
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Again, this was tough. Iggy has a hot face and crazy ass as well but she’s also like 6’2”. Not really my bag. Beyond that, she’s upper echelon cornball status. Her accent alone makes me want to leave the room and the thought of that aussie/wigger/trap lord hybrid bullshit saying anything to me in any situation is a pretty big turn off all around. The problem with killing her would be how difficult that task would actually be. It would be like the fight between breanna and the Hound on game of thrones. I fear I might not make it out alive.

Fuck: Azealia Banks
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Now, I’m pretty confidant most people reading this right now are curious as to why I chose to kill Iggy and have sex with Banks. Well, hear me out. First off, off the three girls, Banks was the one I was most smitten with at first sight. The first time I saw the “212” video, I legit had a crush on her. she was adorable. So, that alone got her to this point. Beyond that, I realize that, since then, she’s kinda lost her mind. She’s been flipping out on twitter and getting into all sorts of beefs with people over extremely dumb shit. That only plays more into this whole choice. It’s a known fact, in the fuck/marry/kill universe, that crazy often = Good sex. So, in the case of banks, I’m willing to find out and show her what my dicks like, homie.

F/M/K:New Year’s Eve/Halloween/St. Patrick’s Day

Kill: St. Patrick’s day
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Easiest pick I’ve had in a while. I’m not irish, I don’t day drink and I hate parades. Add those things together and you have a no brainer. I’ve even imagined killing this day outside of this silly game. St. Paddy’s day fucking sucks. Everything about it. I’m sure some people have fun and , if you’re a dude who is into pale , shapeless women, it could be a pretty strong day to get laid but, otherwise? DEAD DEAD DEAD.

Fuck: Halloween
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Halloween is fun. You get to dress up and pretend. Girls go nuts and get basically naked. So that’s cool. However, it’s another day with a stupid fucking parade and really, let’s be honest, it’s a one and done kinda situation. No one wants to do this every day. So, it fits perfectly into the “fuck” criteria. Yes, I wanna fuck halloween but there’s no way I’d wanna do that shit daily. One and done. I’d even do the walk of shame home the next day in my costume, looking like a deranged person.

Marry: New year’s eve
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Yes, NYE is amateur hour. But , you know what else is amateur hour? Marriage.
I pick NYE for many reasons. For one, no parade. That’s huge.
Secondly, it’s a huge party with tons of friends. I typically chill with all my closest friends that night and it’s always fun. Even the bullshit ones where we just end up at some bar. Thirdly, on some scum bag shit, I’d say it’s the best “get laid” day of the three by far. Of all the holidays, it’s by far the one I’ve had the most success at.
I’d also add that NYE is very versatile. You can party different ways. Some people go to clubs. Some go to house parties. some gather a small group and just go to a secluded place in the woods. It’s really whatever you wanna make it, which is nice and enables it to evolve with you. My mom can pop off on NYE and still have fun just like I can.
So, really, if I had to pick one of these three days to live over and over, it would be this one, by a landslide.

F/M/K:
The American Dialect Edition:
Accents from THE WIRE / Accents from FARGO / Accents from THE SOPRANOS

Fuck: Sopranos
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I bet you thought I’d marry this one but nope! I actually hate those guido/jersey accents. To many people who’ve never been to NYC, they think that’s how we all talk, which is infuriating. But still, I gotta have some home town pride. I can’t just be killing all my neighbors. So, screw it…I’ll fuck’em. At least it’s a familiar. And there is something weirdly sexy to me about a girl with a terrible jersey accent. i wouldn’t bring her home to my mom but it definitely makes me think she’s a little trashy, in a good way.

Kill: Fargo
marge gunderson
This fucking accent. I can’t even take it seriously. It’s what happens when you leave white people alone for decades. It’s as if you mixed irish people with cheese and time and , Ta-dah! That’s what you get. I also have a weird issue with people who say “Oh my gosh” cause I feel like they’re scared to say “Oh my ,god”, which makes me think they’re god fearing lunatics. Sure, that’s an unfair jump in logic but it always bugs me out. Especially when porn stars say it. It’s like “Really? You just took 7 dicks in your ass at once but saying the lords name is an issue?” But i digress…Terrible accent and one I could never deal with for more than passing pleasantries.

Marry: The wire
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I just wanna clarify that there is not a single north american accent that I think is even remotely sexy. They all sound like yokels to me. From southern cali surfer guy to southern belle to that crazy maine accent that guys who go clamming have…they all are equally lame. This B’more accent isn’t pretty but ,Perhaps cause it’s the one I hear the least, It doesn’t bother me. So, really, I’m picking this one strictly due to it being the last one left. You know when that happens, it was a tough round of F/M/K. But I think I’ll be okay, thanks for asking.

F/M/K:Ellen Page,Yoko Ono ,Emilia Clarke (she plays Danaerys in GoT)

Marry: Emilia Clarke
Fast Girls - UK Film Premiere
I mean…come on. I’d marry her in real life right now and I’ve never even seen her in person or spoken a word to her. She’s the hottest and…well, she’s the hottest. There was a time in F/M/K, history where I’d always marry the lesbian cause, in a way, it would be like not marrying at all. That way, I’d actually get the ideal situation. A cool roommate and total freedom. but, in this case, fuck all that. I’m wifing the mother of dragons up with no hesitation.

Kill: Yoka Ono
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Again, Come on. Who’s not killing Yoko in this? Fred Phelps would kill Yoko in this and he hates gay people more than he hates asians (I’m assuming). Not only is she old as fuck but she also sucks. She wasn’t even hot when she was young and she pretty much invented being “pretentious hippies”. Unacceptable. DEAD.

Fuck: Ellen Page
"The East" Portraits - 2013 Sundance Film Festival
Listen, she’s got a few things going against her. The obvious one being she’d be revolted to have to have sex with me. I feel you, girl. Secondly, she looks like a child. That would be creepy. But, that said, she does have a very cute face and I bet , if I got it over with quick enough, we could pal around before she went to bathroom and barfed for 3 hours cause she was forced to sleep with a disgusting man. Basically, I picked this one cause there was no way i wasn’t picking Clarke for marriage. When making an F/M/K cake, sometimes you gotta break some eggs. Out of respect, I’d try my best to be as quick and non-evasive as sex can be. Trust me, i don’t wanna be there if she doesn’t wanna be there.I’m a gentleman.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 34

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Welcome to another addition of Fuck/Marry/Kill. Depending on who you are, you either love this or hate this. To the haters (I don’t mean that in the “Hi haters!” kinda way), just know it’s all in fun and I’m in no way trying to degrade anyone. It’s a fucking parlor game , for christs sake. The only reason I’m not using men in this is cause…well…I’m a straight guy and that would be impossible. The fucking part , at least. So, yeah, grain of salt people!
Anyway, this weeks batch is full of truly hard choices. If you got any original ideas for who I should f/m/k, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new and innovative ideas. Let’s get into it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Amy Schumer, Ilana Glazer, Natasha Leggero

Marry: Natasha Leggero
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You kinda set me up too perfectly with this one. I mean, I’mma definitely go the shallow rout when it’s put in front of me like this. Natasha Leggero, like the other two women listed, is funny. She’s also hot. Now, even though I’ve seen video clips of her dismissing all rap music and sounding like an out of touch old person, I think she’s since changed her tune. Or at least softened it. Cause, as much as I’m not trying to date a girl who’s obsessed with the four elements of hip hop (you’d be amazed how unattractive that can be), a person who has no respect at all for rap music and I might bump heads a little. The thing about Leggero and I , though? We’d get past it. No one said marriage was easy.

Kill: Amy Schumer
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I’m a big fan of hers. She’s funny and has somehow managed to make a good sketch comedy show in an era where you’d think that was no longer possible without it being an over the top bite of the Chappelle show. That said, she’s not exactly a looker. A lil’ piggy in the face. I don’t wanna kill Schumer, but in this game, I’ve been given no choice. On the bright side, I’d like to think if Amy Schumer wrote this edition of F/M/K , she’d pick the same fate and express it in a much funnier way than I just did.

Fuck: Illana Glazer
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Whoever sent in these options has been paying attention. By Putting Glazer here, they’re testing me cause I have a weird crush on this girl. In fact, I bet they were testing if my crushes are deeper than just shallow physical attraction. Whelp, apparently not.
Still, It would be my honor to bone her. My attraction to her is based on many things. Yes, she’s very funny. But you don’t fuck funny. She’s also quirky. Can’t say my dicks ever gotten hard for a female clown. No, my attraction to her is based on something I’ve mentioned many times in F/M/K. She’s a jewess who reminds me of girls I used to want to have sex with in high school. That’s all it takes. The other things are a bonus. High school was all about jews and puerto ricans. So, forever, I’ll have a thing for those two types. That’s just how it is.

F/M/K: Facebook / Twitter / Instagram (the last option was originally Pintrest but what the fuck is that?)

Fuck: Instagram
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Instagram is fun and easy. Low pressure. I don’t need it but I enjoy it greatly. It seems like the clear pick for me to bone down on. Not to mention, it’s visual. Us men are visually driven creatures. I’ve literally seen pics on instagram that i could probably make love to, if that was possible (shout out to bikini season and girls who need affirmation. You guys look great). I think I wouldn’t marry instagram cause it’s just not that serious. Instagram is a casual fling that goes on for years. I wouldn’t want to change that ever.

Kill:Twitter
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I love twitter but the reason I’d kill it is cause it’s pretty much just an aspect of Facebook. Sure, it’s faster, funnier and arranged in a pleasing way. It also tends to attract a more “on the ball” crowd. I can’t even begin to explain how awful the comment section of my facebook page gets. but twitter also promotes the overuse of hashtags and people still haven’t figured out that retweeting anytime some gives you accolades is generally really fucking annoying. So, me killing Twitter would be depressing but i’d do it as painlessly as possible. Perhaps I’ve force feed it pills so it could pass calmly in the night. #deadbutnotforgotten

Marry: Facebook
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I’m sure many of you are disagreeing with this but hear me out. Yes, Facebook is seemingly on it’s way out. I know tons of people who abandoned it for the two other sites listed above. But, let’s be honest, facebook is all those things and more. It can be like twitter. It can be like Instagram. All that and more. It’s like the general store. Sure, Twitter may be the cooler store in town where you buy all those exclusive things but do they sell butter? I bet they don’t even have eggs. Facebook got that and a decent enough knock off of whatever designer crap that other place was slinging. Facebook got everything you need so, if I had to chose, I’d take it easily over the others cause of its wide reach. To be honest, the only reason facebook is wacker now is cause too cool for school people decided they wanted to use other social networks.The site itself is still awesome. In fact, had Myspace never gone under and gotten over run by Spam, I’d probably be married to that right now anyway.

F/M/K:The Fresh Prince edition: -Hilary -Ashley (when she was age appropriate) -Will’s girlfriend (Nia Long)

Marry: Ashley
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I’d like to start this saying that, when this show aired, I was a few years (maybe 4 or tops) older than ashley and she was pretty much the hottest girl ever to me. So, a legal aged ashley is ,without question, getting wifed up. I haven’t seen her in a minute but the late teen early 20′s version of her is something special. It would be a bonus if she dressed like it was the mid 90′s too cause that would also be hilarious. I bet her Roger rabbit was on point back then.

Fuck:Nia Long
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To be honest, I Barely remember her being on the show but whatever. Nia Long is my shit. She’s the black version of Michelle Williams. Tiny, adorable and she aged amazingly. The more I think about it, the more I think I should be marrying her…but, alas, my love for Ashley runs too deep. Still though, sex with Nia Long? That would not be a problem. Who knows? maybe I’d fall in love with her and leave Ashley? God works in mysterious ways and one of those ways might involved a hypothetical love triangle between nia long, ashley and I. You never know, bro!

Kill:Hillary
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I mean, shit, she was always hot to me too. That said, I dunno if the actress was that good or the writing was special but her stuck up, spoiled bitchiness came through hard on the show. She wasn’t even sexual to me. I remember seeing the actress that played her in another role and being like “whoa! she’s not an awful piece of shit…”. Still, the scar remains and she’ll always be hillary. I’d imagine there are tons of guys out there who saw her as a challenge and would pick her based on that but I’ve never been a captain fix-a-hoe so i’ll leave that to the men with more patience and desire.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: NYC, SF, L.A.

Marry: NYC
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Duh. I mean, it’s not even close. Yes, I’m wildly biased on this but what other answer would you possibly expect me to pick? I wish I could marry this city. If i could, I’d become one of those awful patronizing, passive aggressive husbands who would shame my wife into being the woman I fell in love with when I met her all those years ago. Like I’d say shit like “NAh, that new high end clothing store you opened is cool but I always liked how that area had good bars in it and wasn’t full of vertical striped shirt dipshits…but, hey, what do i know?”. Eventually my abuse might actually pay off. One can dream.

Fuck: San Francisco
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This is where I’d go if NYC vanished. I got family there. I got friends there. I love the feel of the city. It’s just an awesome place all around. The only reason it’s not getting a ring is cause my bitch NYC doesn’t play games. Also, the fear of earthquakes and me ever becoming a person who says “hella” is enough to keep me out of there full time. Still, if I’m gonna go balls deep on any city, it would be S.F.

Kill: L.A.
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Now, this was actually tougher than you might think. I’ve come around on L.A. in a major way over the last 10 years. It’s fun, the weather is great, there’s always shit going on and the food is awesome. Why kill it then? Well I don’t drive. Not driving out there is impossible. Well, not impossible but it would definitely make life really difficult. Add in that it’s full of actors and actresses and that’s enough for me to know. But, still, I do have love for L.A.. you guys just came up against some tough competition. Had the other choices been, I dunno…Sacramento and buffalo, you know you’d have my heart in a millisecond.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 33

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Hey guys. It’s time once again for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. Depending how seriously you take jokes, this will either offend you deeply or you won’t even blink. To those in former group, as always, I assure you this is all for jokes. I don’t want to marry or kill any of these people/things and I also realize that, in reality, they’d all gladly kill me in this game…and I’m okay with that. This is all for fun so don’t let your inner college activist get the best of you. It’s not that serious. EVER.
I’m sure you all know how the game is played and , if not, it’s not hard to figure out. Let’s get into it.

F/M/K (cornball edition):Alicia Keys, Miley Cyrus, Adrienne Bailon

Marry: Adrienne Bailon
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Yes, she dated Rob Kardashian. Yes, she’s probably the type of girl who probably only communicates in emojis. I know this. However, of the three choices, she’s easily the choice for wifey. First off, corniness aside, she’s fairly hot. She got a nice body and, unlike the other two, she doesn’t seem totally insufferable. With great shame, I can admit that I’ve watched “Keeping up with the kardashians” and she was on it and fair amount. You know what? she wasn’t THAT bad. Compared to anyone in the Kardshian family, she was downright lovely. So, basing this entirely on that and her physical appearance, she get’s the ring.

Fuck:Miley Cyrus
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When you’re done rolling your eyes and reevaluating every good thing you’ve ever thought about me, let me explain.
She’s the worst. This has been established. But , here’s the thing, it’s all an act. Before anything, she’s a shrewd business woman who understands how things work. Every move she makes is strategic. From sticking her dumb tongue out to promoting her own drug use. She knows exactly what she’s doing and plays it up on cartoonish levels. I’m willing to bet that, in a one on one situation, she wouldn’t be THAT bad. “But, Tony, Why would you fuck her then?” Cause she’s Miley Cyrus, bro. Yeah, she’s skinny and has no ass and there’s a good chance she’s got various STD’s but You know what? I kinda think her face is okay. She falls somewhere between Bridgette Neilson , River Pheonix and a cartoon chipmunk. On top of that, I’m curious of what she might actually be like in bed , as opposed to the way she portrays herself (which is basically the sexual identity of a 14 year old girl acting out). Let’s be real here though. The true win here would be able to say that I fucked Miley Cyrus and tell people the story about it. That alone would be worth it.

Kill: Alecia Keys
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In a world full of corn balls, Keys is queen. She’s got that neo-soul head-wrap corny swag. She’s also got that “I fake a hood accent even though I was raised by my white mom in midtown manhattan and went to an art/music school for classical piano” swag as well. She just has the air of someone who is EXTREMELY self involved under the guise of being the oracle. And that’s just the tip of the corn husk. The thing is, Keys is both very pretty and insanely talented. But, you know what? Talent and looks has never stopped anyone from being the worst. Her corniness transcends it all.She comes on tv, I find myself blushing out of shame of what I’m seeing go down. I know girls like her now. I knew girls like her growing up. They are such a specific breed I can spot them from a mile away. They’re “friendly” in that fake “love is love” kinda way but, really, they’re just as evil as anyone else in the business. Hypothetically Killing Keys would be my pleasure. As an added bonus, it would make Swizz beats sad and that’s always nice.

F/M/K: citibike, rollerblades, segway

Fuck: Segway
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I’d like to clarify that I don’t do “wheels” in general. I never have. So these three things are all things I don’t really have a strong opinion on. These three choices are based entirely of perception.
Why would i fuck a segway? Well, it looks like fun. Segways seem like a good time girl that would be great for a fling but eventually grow tiresome. I’d gladly hop on one and take it for a spin but, trust, when that ride was over, you could have it back. Here, take these tissues. Clean her off. Thanks for the ride, lady. And know, when i tell my friends of our time together, I will speak of you with great respect and honor.

Marry:Citibike
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It just makes sense to marry the bike. Sure a Segway would be more fun but Bikes go faster and don’t require power. They can take you places with speed and are good exercise. Citibikes are kinda heavy but, after a while, I’m sure I’d get used to it and learn to love them. Also, they’re everywhere!

Kill: Rollerblades
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Do people still Rollerblade? I’m speaking of real life adults. Even when rollerblading was at it’s peak of popularity it was still kind of a joke. They’re fucking futuristic roller skates. The type of shit they would have in a movie in the 70′s about the year 2050. Sure, they’re probably very convenient and anyone who’s seen a person on rollerblades skate backwards can attest, those guys are fucking awesome. Just kidding. That’s not awesome at all. Clearly, Roller blades gonna catch that L in this round.

F/M/K: marge Simpson Louis griffin and she-ra

Marry:Louis Griffin
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Honestly, I think Family guy is totally mediocre but I’ve seen enough of it to know that Louis is a sexy freak. She’s actually pretty hot (by cartoon standards) and , though her voice is incredibly shrill, she’s a generally sane person who is perfectly suited to be a wife. Definitely more suited for it than I am to be anyone’s husband.
side note, you’d be shocked at the amount of louis and marge based porn there is out there. Nerd’s really need to learn to channel their sexual energy in a better way. Instead of jerking off to a fake ginger Debbie Mazar, perhaps just do what the rest of us do and search for the closest human version you can find on youjizz.com

Fuck:She-ra
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She is so out my league in so many ways, it’s pretty intimidating. i mean, she’s fucking She-ra. She’s probably got some magic powers, she’s strong as fuck and she’s used to boning bodybuilder type dudes who kill dragons. That’s a lot to measure up to. But, I’m not one of those guys who frets over that type of thing too much and there’s no way I’d pass up the opportunity to be eskimo brothers with He-man.
Also, she’s got one of those bodies that’s so unreal it makes little girls sad , feminists mad and loser ass grown men have unrealistic standards. Just once I’d like to see what that’s like. Even if it is with a cartoon.

Kill: Marge Simpson
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Marge got an ass. There’s no denying it. But she’s also got a blue beehive hairdo and voice like a gravel pit. I like marge a lot. She’s obviously very similar to Louis Griffin in many ways. After all, the Simpsons is clearly the blueprint for the Family Guy. But, i dunno…I always thought that face was kinda rough and when she got all sexy, the voice was a huge turn off. I don’t wanna kill marge. She’s a staple of my childhood. But, tough break…She lived a full life. It’s okay.

F/m/k: Turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.

Kill: Stuffing
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Stuffing is good but let’s be honest…no ones eating that shit any day but thanksgiving. It’s basically salty wet bread with some spices thrown in. Nothing wrong with that but nothing too great either. If stuffing were really bout that life, if would be available as a side order in most decent restaurants. But clearly, it ain’t bout that life. So i gotta kill it.

Fuck: Mashed Potatoes
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I love mashed Potatoes but the idea of eating them every day is daunting. They’re a once in a while treat. I’m always happy to see them but it’s definitely something i eat knowing I probably shouldn’t be stuffing into my face. It’s a sad truth of aging that you have to gauge food like that but, hey, that’s life. I’m not 20 anymore and I can’t eat buttery whipped potatoes 27 times a week. I can, however, take a heaping pile of it, fill the hole in top with brown gravy and plunge my love deep inside it for one amazing night of ecstasy. I might even go in for seconds, if she’d have me.

Marry: Turkey
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This was tough cause, to be honest, I don’t love turkey. It’s good but it’s also pretty boring. This is more a case of making the sensible choice. Turkey is a solid protein and one of those types of meat , much like chicken, that you can dress up to taste different. Throw some cheese and mayo on it and we got a decent sandwich. You can fry it. You can even make soup stock out of it. So, whole it wouldn’t be a fiery romance, it would be fine. Still, I’d probably be fantasizing about that night I had with Mashed potatoes every time i ate a meal.

Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 32

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It’s been a while…since I said I’m sorry. Word to Staind, it’s that time again. To clarify, as always, fuck/marry/kill is dumb and juvenile. This is done in total jest (though my answers are honest) and not meant to be taken seriously. Clearly, I don’t want to kill or marry any of these people, nor do I have the power to make any of those three options happen. It’s just a dumb game. If this kinda thing tends to bother you, just skip it cause it’s not gonna change your mind.
To those who know the drill, enjoy!

F/M/K: brunette with slight social issues edition: That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy) 2. Jeneane garafalo in Romy and Michele’s High school reunion 3. Rose McGowan in Planet Terror

Kill: Jeneane Garofalo In Romy and Michele’s High school reunion
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I’m assuming these choices are based upon the actual characters and not the real life actresses so I’m gonna just role with that in mind.
I haven’t seen this movie in a while and, being that I’m a male, it was never a huge deal to me. It was cute but I know girls who feel this one is one of the all time great comedies. Anyway, I kinda recall her character being sarcastic , somewhat mean and void of any sexuality. While that’s a personality type I could see myself being friends with on some level, it certainly doesn’t inspire me to want to have sex or marry that person. It’s a bummer too cause I always though Garofalo was secretly kinda pretty. Just not in any way I’d want to get physical with. Like I said, she didn’t exactly emanate that particular vibe.
So, just based on that, I gotta kill Garofalo in this movie. I’d probably wanna get drunk and talk shit with her first though.

Fuck: Rose McGowan in Planet Terror
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Pretty obvious choice here. I mean, she’s the hot one. Even though one of her legs is a gun, I’d try and limit the sexual positions to ones that don’t have that thing pointing in my face. Also, sex with an amputee is , at the very least, an interesting story. But a hot amputee? Even better.

Marry:That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy)
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This is a tough one cause , on one hand, I grew up watching this movie. While other boys were into Molly Ringwald (I often wonder, were they really, though?) I actually always thought Ally Sheedy was kinda cute in this movie. In a “Oh, that squatter is pretty” kinda way. But that kinda face that she has was always one I found myself drawn to, even to this day. Like a sultry eskimo. On the other hand, I’m not a kid anymore and she’s a teenager in this movie. So, there’s that. But, fuck it, considering I know for a fact the real Ally Sheedy is much older than me, i don’t feel that bad about it.
But, remove all the semantics , and she was weird cute girl and that’s always been marriage material on some level. Granted, her dandruff was gross (she ate it too) but I figure girls will grow out of that and eventually become clean. I dated a punk girl when I was that age. Being filthy is a phase. So, I’d roll the dice and wife up Sheedy.

FMK 1. Vans 2. Converse 3. Adidas

Marry: Adidas
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To be honest, I don’t generally wear any of these brands. I’ve always been a Nike guy. That said, I have owned some decent pairs of adidas over the years. While they often , seem like they’re trying too hard to appeal to nordic break dancers, they do come up with some nice shit and there’s no denying they have some classic shoes. I could live the rest of my life in only Adidas if I had to…but I’d be jerking off to Nike the entire time.

Fuck:Converse
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I guess I only picked them to fuck cause of their history. They had some classic kicks in the 70′s and I’ve definitely rocked them a few times. Some really dope High-top sneakers that , if someone gave to me now, I’d be pretty psyched on. Their new shit is abysmal though. Also, I loath chucks. I’m not a greaser in the 50′s, nor am I the kid from Rushmore. I realize they are a staple of all humanity but , to me, they only look right when worn by girls. Even then, I don’t love them.

Kill: Vans
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I don’t skate. Never did. I also don’t lived near a beach or on a boat. Admittedly, I’m 100% biased against these shoes cause, for the majority of my life, they were simply not conducive to living in a city where you walk a lot. They were blister machines and, god forbid, you step on a piece of glass or something.
Also, they all look like boat shoes to me. They lacked gumption. Too frail looking. Girls wore them. Wack dudes loved them. That was my view of Vans when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to embrace simplicity in footwear. In fact, I see why people love Vans. Ten years ago, I woulda laughed in the face of anyone trying to make a case for vans. So, while i “get it” now, the damage has been done to my psyche. I simply cannot be a part of that world(I opt for the nike brand Van rip offs). I feel the same way about pea coats. I recognize, as an adult, that they are fine but I’m simply not the guy that will ever wear one.

F/M/K those chicks from the 90′s show friends edition 1. Jen Aniston 2. Courtney Cox 3. Lisa Kudrow

Marry: Courtney Cox
courteney_cox_03
I’m kinda shocked I haven’t done this one already. Maybe I did and forgot. Who knows?
Anyway, She was always my type of the three. A hot blue eyed brunette. I’m ignoring any character traits from the show cause I only saw it a few times. In fact, I’m basing this as much on the show as I am the feelings I got in my stomach when I was a kid watching her dance with Bruce Springsteen in the “Dancing in the dark” video.
(Go to 3:23 and fall in love the same way I did)

I was like “Who’s that girl? One day I will play a stupid game where I pretend I have the power to fuck, marry or kill three women who are super famous and wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire…and I will take her hand in hypothetical marriage”. And it was so…

Fuck: Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer-Aniston-by-Mark-Seliger
I bet a lot of you wanted me to kill her. Well, you guys are jerks and I’m shallow. Let’s be real…She’s the most famous , normal looking person ever. She’s got a crazy body but that kinda of grill is one you can find seating people at Chile’s Restaurants across the country. But you know what? She’s still cute. I mean, we can sit here and talk about who’s hotter and some assholes can lean back in their chairs dismissing Aniston , as if they haven’t only had sex with girls ten notches below her their entire life. In the game of Fuck/marry/kill she’s kind of the perfect “fuck”. Cause, she looks like a girl most of us might actually have sex with one day. Except with a banging body. I doubt any man is turning that down. But, clearly, no one is marrying her either. Literally.

Kill: Lisa Kudrow
Lisa-Kudrow-lisa-kudrow-18513951-200-275
I feel bad for Lisa Kudrow. She’s probably been killed in versions of this game played all over the world for years. Thing is, she’s not bad looking. She’s also got some big boobs that she tends to keep hidden. In reality, most guys would gladly make love to Lisa Kudrow. However, she seems to lack an magnetism. She looks like a girl who doesn’t even like sex and , sometimes, that can be a real turnoff. But, more than anything, she’s always gonna be the one who gets left out when matched up with these other two. She’s what Kelly Roland was when Destiny’s child was still together (f/m/k-wise, not musically). I will say this though, I bet she’s by far the coolest of the three. But, like I said, I’m shallow and this is “fuck/marry/kill”. Sorry.

F/M/K Carbs!: Rice, Noodles, Bread

Kill: Rice
rice-pilaf
Goddamnit. I don’t wanna kill rice. I love rice. But, when I think of the big picture, I need it the least. I would miss sushi (I guess sashimi would be the move from here on out) and , really, anything rice related. It’s just the other two are so crucial to my eating happiness , they leave me no choice. So, while i would kill rice, I’d be crying while I did it and I’d never forget the time we shared.

Fuck: Noodles
Unknown
I’m assuming this includes pasta as well…cause that’s a big one. But, really, it’s winter in NYC and I’ve been obsessed with Ramen lately. A few good spots finally opened up in my neighborhood and it’s gotten to the point where I need it like once a week at least. Couldn’t have ramen without noodles! But, also, italian food. It’s the best and , if it wasn’t so fattening, I’d eat pasta every day. I think that’s why I would just fuck Noodles. To only have it for the rest of my life would be glorious but I’d also become so fat , I’d be one of those obese dudes on the TLC network who needs to be airlifted out his crib and requires a mop with an extra long handle to wipe his ass. No bueno.

Marry: Bread
fresh-baked-bread
Bread is the best cause , on its own, it’s still good. Plain rice or noodles with nothing on them are flavorless but some fresh out the over bread? FUCK YES. Add some butter and I might start masturbating right here. And that’s just bread in it’s most basic form! Bread makes sandwiches! What’s better than a sandwich!?!?! NOTHING, BRO.
And the varieties…You could have some Naan or foccacia, some bum ass wheat bread if you’re that kinda person. Shit, you couldn’t make a french onion soup without some cheese covered bread on top. I’m getting worked up here. I’m gonna go to a bakery and stick my dick in a wood burning oven.