My neighbor: Livin’ la vida Loca

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Blockhead

If you follow my twitter or facebook account , you’ve probably seen me complain about my next door neighbor. I often tell tales (in 140 characters of less) of the constant barrage of loud music coming from the other side of my bedroom wall. I figure it might be fun to take a deeper look into this and really give you guys the full picture of what I’m dealing with over here.
So, I moved into the building I currently live in over ten years ago. For the most part, I pretty much keep to myself. I say hi to everyone in the hallway and I’m always cordial (I’ll hold a door for a bitch, no question bro) but I’m not exactly trying to buddy up with anyone in my building. Which is fine cause it would appear the feelings are mutual. As long as I’ve been here, I really have only had frequent interactions with two different people. My upstairs neighbor ,who is very social and actively in peoples business. I don’t even mean that in a bad way. He’s just kinda like the self appointed mayor of the building. He knows everyone and also knows what’s going on constantly. If I need info on who’s moving in or out of the building or what store is opening up next door, he’s the guy. So, while he’s a little bit nosey, he’s a good guy. No issues with him. My next door neighbor is a retired fire marshall (I think…he might have just been a fireman). He’s very much an “old new yorker”. He talks with the accent and has that nature that reminds me of the people who used to work in butcher shops on Bleeker street when I was a kid. To me, it’s a very familiar and comforting disposition. Unlike my upstairs neighbor, he was pretty much a ghost in the building…until about 5 years ago.
Five years ago. That’s when I started to notice a lot of extra traffic in the hallways scurrying by my door. Mornings, daytime, late night. I’d often come home from a night out and run into what would appear to be 6 foot tall women with terrible make up jobs in my buildings hallway. Oh wait…those aren’t women.
Turns out, my quiet neighbor had a taste for cross dressers. Not just any cross dressers. He had a type. Mostly it was black and latino dudes. This came as a shock to me cause, up until that point, I thought he had a wife/girlfriend. But, turns out he didn’t. Whatever the case, it wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t bothered by it and the guy was entitled to enjoy his life whatever way he pleased. It was more a funny side note of “Did you know my neighbor bones drag queens?”. This behavior continued for the next few years as it appeared my neighbor was coming into his own as a gay man. I don’t know if he hadn’t been out before but there was a definitive upswing in his openness about it. Good for him.

Flash forward to about 2 years ago and I get a knock on my door. It’s my neighbor, adorned in a way too small silk robe , his chest peaking out and his deeply white thighs also making their presence known. He informs me that a friend of his is moving in with him. We both have duplexes and his new roommate would be getting free reign of the bottom floor (the room on the other side of the wall of where my girlfriend and I sleep AKA my bedroom AKA my studio). He also tells me that if he’s too noisy or anything like that, let him know and it will be taken care of. Okay. I didn’t think much about beyond “Oh, hey, my neighbor has a new boyfriend. “. But , soon, I’d realize that this was not just a new relationship being taken to the next level. This wasn’t you typical “people moving in together” situation.

From that day on, I’d see his new man in the halls. He was a young bow legged latino guy. Maybe 22 or so. He looks like one of madonna’s dancers from the late 90′s. From what I understand, he was/is a dancer. But one thing is for sure, this motherfucker LOVES music. How do I know this? Cause from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, music is blasting. Always. Now, this is annoying on many levels. I’ve had neighbors like this before. I’ve also been the loud music neighbor. But in all those cases, there have been some limits. With this guy, it’s not only a constant flood of music, but it’s a constant flood of very particular music. Much like his older boyfriend, he’s got his taste. And it spans far and wide from 3 different Rihanna songs to the song “girls gone wild” by madonna to a Britney spears live concert.

That’s it. That’s all he listens to. For the last 2 fucking years. Sure, occasionally he’ll spice it up with some salsa music and he went through a brief Lady Gaga stage but, for the most part, it’s steadily been those specific songs for the entire time he’s lived there. And not just sporadic plays. I’m talking repeated plays , back to back of the same song for hours on end. Did I mention he sings along? You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a Dominican cross dresser sing “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” off key at the top of his lungs. There are feelings and emotions possessed in that performance that I will never reach in my wildest dreams.
Every hear Britney spears rendition of “I love rock and roll”? I have. Performed through a brick wall, 15 times a day for 2 years. Feel me?

Whenever I tell people about this, their immediate reaction is “have you complained?”. Of course I have. After a few incidents of 6am music blasting , new rules were made. No music before 11am or after 11 pm. This held up for a few weeks until the parties picked up again. But this has been a constant back and forth. I complain, the noise stops for a few weeks , then it starts again. Such is the cycle of life, my friends. One thing I should point out is that my neighbor (the older guy, not the kid) is nothing if not accommodating. He’s not deaf and is always willing to tell his roommate to shut the fuck up. In fact, it goes beyond that. After Hurricane Sandy, the buildings communal backyard was a mess. I was back there moving some shit around when my neighbor popped out (silk robe in full effect). He asked that ,if i needed any help he could get his “wetback boyfriend” to come do some work. Umm…okay. That’s when I started to realize that this living arrangement was not on equal ground to , say, what happened when my girlfriend moved in. Pretty sure the the young madonna dancer didn’t get to do any redecorating. These two were not taking trips to Ikea together . They were not as much a couple as they were an agreement This living situation was dependent on two things.
1)That young Madonna stays downstairs
2)Sexual favors are exchanged.
In fact, it’s safe to say it’s an open relationship. How do I know? Probably by the constant flood of loud gay latino men , who spend various nights hooting and hollering next door. Inevitably, the hooting and hollering will simmer down and all of a sudden, thinks get a little more greek up in there.
Listen. Couples have sex. It’s natural. I know this. Also, non-couples have sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these two consenting adults enjoying each others company in a romantic manner. I just sorta wish I didn’t have to hear it. As it all takes place on the other side of my bedroom wall, I’m party to a pretty consistent and unsettling sex life between a man in his mid 60′s and his little “wetback boyfriend”. At any given moment , on any given day, I will hear the sounds of love being made. This love, however, has it’s own very particular sounds. Deep guttural moans, slapping (not sure if that’s hands or thighs colliding or both), and a soft latino whimper of “aye. Aye. AYE!!!”. Occasionally, it will simply be a head session and then I get to hear what it sounds like when a dude with a thick brooklyn accent gets orally pleased. Guess what? it sounds exactly what you might think it sounds like: UNNERVING. Unlike the music, I really can’t complain about this. It’s none of my business and it’s what couples do. But…goddamn…that shit is ROUGH to have to try to sleep though.

I recently have started combating all this noise with noise of my own. In classic passive aggressive white guy style, I’ve taken to blasting loud gangster rap right back whenever this dudes music starts blasting and , you know what? It works. No clue why but it seems whenever my music goes on, his goes off. Who knew? So, as the summer approaches and I prepare for whatever that may have in store for my neighbor and his many different sounds, things are actually looking up. Who knows? Perhaps by august they’ll be tired of fucking each other like most old couples and life will go back to normal. One can only dream…

Pixar ain’t for you, old person.

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Blockhead

This will probably go down as one of the least popular posts I’ve ever written but I don’t give a fuck. It needs to be addressed (actually, it really doesn’t but that makes it sound important). I’m fully prepared for the backlash. *deep breath*

When I was a kid, I used to watch cartoons. Good ones. Bad ones. Really, any cartoon that was available. While I watched your typical Bugs bunny and Road runner fair, I also watched that bullshit Gummi bears Cartoon and the USA Cartoon express which featured such third rate characters as Jabba jaw and Hair bear. I watched them all and loved them equally. Why? Cause I was a kid and I didn’t know shit about anything.
Nowadays, I still watch a few cartoons. Mostly just South Park and some things on adult swim but I’m not opposed to watching a cartoon that’s aimed at my interests. There are plenty of off beat and hilarious cartoons that speak to the man in his mid 30′s. What I do not watch, however, is Pixar movies. Why? Cause I’m not a child.

There are two main types of adults when it comes to Pixar movies. Those who ride or die for them and those who can’t fathom why anyone would give a that much of a shit about a movie that specifically for children. I don’t think anyone hates Pixar movies. I certainly don’t sit around cursing their existence while wishing more Muppet movies would get made (though, that would be kinda great). I simply don’t find wonderment in these films. They are no doubt impressive. I mean, coming from an era when some of the cartoons I watched had the same background scenery for 15 years, the things animators are capable of now is pretty amazing. Kids today, as they say, don’t know how good they have it. But, still, I’m not a child. I require adult stimulation. That doesn’t mean I can only watch porn and gore to quench my entertainment needs. I mean , I need something that speaks to my interests. I want to laugh. I want to be scared. I want to think. I require layers. Even some low brow shit that’s made for adults can still have a certain depth to it. I most certainly do not wanna half chuckle at some joke made by a dorky penguin and then go “Aww……”.

The thing is, if i had a kid, I’d be all about these movies. Not in that I actually enjoy them greatly but that they’d be a great meeting point between me and the kid. I’m sure, compared to having to sit through Thomas the tank engine cartoons and whatever else bullshit kids are obsessed with, I’d say Pixar movies are like welcome upgrade. I’ll be the first to admit these movies are totally watchable. There’s nothing offensive about them (I mean that in artistic sense) and kids lose their shit over them. It’s perfect for that. There’s a reason they all make a billion dollars. It’s cause families go see them. Over and over again. Kids love repetition. And seeing any Pixar movie will always >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>seeing some new disney bullshit or a movie about Justin Beiber.

My issue with these films is when grown ups start holding them up in high esteem and acting like these movies are as good as actual movies made for people over the age of 12 (this is the part where Pixar fans get very defensive. I accept your anger…). Every year, critic made year end lists of top movies come out and, inevitably, a few pixar movies will pop up. Keep in mind, these are adult critics. People whose job it is to evaluate cinema. Most likely, they went to school for this shit. And, somehow, out of the hundreds of movies they saw over the course of that year, they decide to give a nod to the movie about some random animal or robot who gets lost or floats away or who gives a shit. It’s a kids movie! It’s made to be enjoyed by kids! Keep in mind, I’m aware I’m in the minority here. I know that if I were to ask like my ten favorite comedians what they thought the best movies of 2012 were, undoubtedly over half of them would throw “wreck it ralph” in there. I get that. And that’s kinda why I’m writing this cause, while I get it, I don’t really “get it”.

A common angle people who love these movies will take is that the humor of these movies speaks to both adults and children. Sure, there are tons of lame ass (or “cute” if you’re being nice about it) kids jokes but every now and then you get a subtle tip of the hat for all the adults out there. A not-so-dirty almost dirty joke that might make two adults watching it together give each other a “Oh no they didn’t!” look cause they’re so shocked that an animated movie would even hint at something not pure as the undriven snow.
It’s one of those jokes that’s extra crazy in context of what you’re watching but, in reality, it’s just a harmless joke that would go unnoticed in the most trivial of PG-13 rated comedies. This “tip of the hat” style is something the Muppet show mastered and did better than any Pixar movie ever could. They did it without being coy but more by being referential to things only an adult could know. It wasn’t dirty or trying hard. And, most importantly, it was legitimately funny. Yet another reason that The muppet show will always be a billion times better than any Pixar movie. But that’s a whole different subject.

Another issue I take with these movies is that they work within very strict character stereotypes. Now, let me clarify, I’m not against stereotypes. In fact, I often find over the top generalizations to be hilarious (That’s basically the backbone of this entire blog). My issue is that , most of the time, they just seem lazy. Any Pixar movie that involves animals will usually have some sort of jamaican speaking animal (this usually come with subtle nods to weed…HILARIOUS!), some sort of latino animal, often a jewy animal and, without question, a wise old , typically large animal that has the voice of a black man/woman. And that’s just the basics. What i’m saying is that a lot of these movies have interchangeable characters. I will say that the recent boom of more human based pixar movies has done a better job at finding unique characters but still…that doesn’t make these movies any less for children.

So, I try to rationalize the adult love for these movies…
I dunno. Maybe I just don’t embrace my childhood like others. I don’t feel a resurgence of youthful bliss when I watch this kind of thing. I gotta think that is some of the allure for adults when enjoying these types of films. I get that there can be a comforting effect but so much so that , when the movie is over, you’re willing to say it’s one of the best films you’ve ever seen? That shit is strange to me.
Sometimes I think adults are enamored by the animation itself. The spectacle of it. I mean, shit…we live in an era where special effects have been raised to a level so high, it’s hard to tell what is and isn’t real (with the exception of old man make up in movies which, for some reason, will always be terrible). As impressive as the animation is, by the same logic, some shit like Avatar would be the greatest movie ever to these people…well, maybe it is (it is not). Who knows. But, really, who cares?
When I really think about it, what it comes down to is these movies are like an imagination running wild. Because they’re animated, you can do literally anything. There are no boundaries and that is admittedly cool. Except there are boundaries. Those boundaries being that , once again, these movies have to appeal to the lowest common denominator. No, not teenaged girls (they’re a close second though), but your typical child. And that’s simply very limiting. No matter how I rationalize it, it always comes back to that. Trust be told though, if they were to make an R Rated Pixar movie, I kinda think it would suck regardless.

Listen, I’m not writing this to shit on the grown folks who love these movies. I have many close friends who I love and respect who get full on erections every time a new Pixar movie drops. And, like i said, I don’t hate these movies. They’re perfectly fine for what they are. In fact, I’d even say they’re great for what they are. But that doesn’t change the fact that what they are is a fancy cartoon made to appeal to the sensibilities of a people who haven’t figured out long division yet. They’re certainly not a slap in the face of intelligence like most of the Tv shows on the Disney channel. When you boil it all down, Pixar movies are high end children’s programming and not much more. Listen, I think YO gabba Gabba is awesome but only cause of what it is. Love them or hate them, that’s what they are. But , hey , love what you love. I’m gonna go chill out and watch Mcgruber for the 200th time.

Lyrical Spiritual Miracle

Posted on March 6, 2013 by Blockhead

Being “Spiritual” is a vague term. For some, it’s just less abrasive way to describe their self imposed religion. They say shit like “I’m not religious…but I’m very spiritual”. Which is kinda like saying “I’m not on fire, but is it like 2000 degrees in here?”. Whenever anyone says that to me, I’ve learned to just leave it alone. There maybe was a time when I might have pressed it a little and asked “What do you mean by “Spiritual” exactly?”. But, nowadays, I avoid a conversation that reads like the monologue in the video above as I simply don’t have time to listen to that bullshit.
I looked the word up in the dictionary and this is what I got:
Definition of SPIRITUAL

1
: of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit : incorporeal
2
a : of or relating to sacred matters
b : ecclesiastical rather than lay or temporal
3
: concerned with religious values
4
: related or joined in spirit
5
a : of or relating to supernatural beings or phenomena
b : of, relating to, or involving spiritualism : spiritualistic
— spir·i·tu·al·ly adverb
— spir·i·tu·al·ness noun

Of those five definitions it would seem 1 and 3 are the ones that would apply to anyone who specifically describes themselves as “Spiritual”. In the case of definition #1, I’d say that applies to everything that happens to everyone ever. If your “spirit” is your general being that it’s safe to say literally everything you do , say, eat, think about, etc…effects that in some way. So while proclaiming that as a way of life isn’t incorrect, it’s also like bragging about how often you breath.
In the case of definition #3, it’s exactly what you think it is. Religious people believe in a higher power. It’s THAT kind of spirituality. Certainly not the kind that more people proclaim for themselves. In fact, the people I’m speaking about openly will scoff at religion , all the while speaking of mystical healing power that some rock contains or how eating a certain root with get you closer to mother natures majesty.

In both cases of these literal definitions, I’m pretty sure 99% of the people who have ever told me they’re spiritual are in fact simply just normal human beings who do yoga.

Much like people being vegans or straight edge , people referring to themselves as “Spiritual” was not something I grew up around. I also didn’t hear about veganism or straight edge until I went to college so, you know, that might give you an idea of the world I lived in. Aside from an occasional anti-fur rally and basic civil rights, it was a “cause free” upbringing. As for people being “spiritual”, I simply never heard it referred to as lifestyle until I was in my late 20′s. I dunno, maybe I was just lucky. If you asked me what “Spiritual” meant in 1994, I’d probably say “A ghost?”. Granted, the 90′s were a different era. This was before health food stores were everywhere, yoga and pilates were all the rage and people collected crystals openly. In fact, back then, a store that specialized in things like that was pretty much looked at as new age bullshit (AKA Hippy shit) or a place where wiccans would chill.

I feel as if , in recent years there has been a large movement away from organized religion. Obviously, it’s still wildly popular but there certainly seems to be a generation of people not connecting with it like they used to. While a good amount of these people simply move on with their lives (which would seem to be the logical progression from losing ones religion) another group just trade that in for the idea of being “Spiritual”. Instead of following a bible, they turn to what are basically self help books that were written with more flowery and mystical language. Regardless , it’s a book that was written by another human being. Just like the bible. Sometimes they will dump Jesus and simply consider themselves Buddhists. This is fine but the percentage of people who think of themselves as Buddhists and the number of actual people “bout that life” is probably preeeeeetty low. Obviously, I have no study to fall back on to prove this point (or anything I’m saying, really) but I’ve seen way too many people who have said shit like “I think of myself as more of a Buddhist” who are obsessed with their I-phones , getting shit faced drunk all the time, being assholes to people and , in general, being self absorbed dickheads. Pretty sure that’s not in the tenants of Buddhism , brah. What I don’t get about it is that these people who abandon religion , for some reason, still feel the need to grasp on to something. I understand the universe is full of unanswered questions. I can see how some people might need guidance through life but the idea of trading in one for the other just seems kinda pointless to me. Either way, it’s some made up shit. I suppose it’s just that you gotta find the made up shit that applies best to your life.
(OR you could just act with common decency toward your fellow man and use proper judgement. For the most part , it’s fairly black and white. Don’t kill people, Be polite, try to Share. Don’t rape, Respect other people, etc..It’s all basic shit the average person learns in pre-school. Think of all the time and money you’d save on books alone!)

Saying “I’m very spiritual” is similar to people who say “I’m a very sexual being”. It’s a blanket statement meant to express depth and faux intensity that’s referring to things that pretty much everyone in the world feels (Outside of people in comas and asexual eunuchs.They get the pass). Oh, you’re sexual? You like having orgasms? Man, you must be some sort of sexual super hero! Oh you’re spiritual? You’ve got it all figured out? Your chakra’s are aligned? Awesome. Your soul must weigh much more than mine.
They’re simply empty statements that mean nothing. Without trying, we are all technically spiritual. But this kind of “spiritual” that people claim for themselves? I dunno. I’m yet to meet a self proclaimed “spiritual person” who is anything more than either a regular hippie who eats lots of healthy food or one of those people who becomes obsessed with all things eastern . At least the latter seem to have their stories down though. They’re generally educated in their beliefs. It’s the hippie ones that will really talk you into a hole. Every gotten cornered by a hippie who’s under the influence of anything and set on telling you all about his/her spirituality? It’s meandering mish mash of words like “aura”, “chi” and vague references to astrology set the back beat of some dudes awful fucking weed breath.
I can tell you first hand that it’s slightly less captivating than reading binary code and , in the end, it makes even less sense.

Listen, I realize that a lot of this kinda thing stems from a good place. People wanting to find deeper meanings in life. People figuring out their place in the universe. While I never think about that kind of shit, I get why others might. All I really am asking is for those of you who claim this basic cloak of “Spirituality” to simply just stop being so full of shit. Believe what you believe in. You can do that. But there’s no need to try and jazz it up beyond what it is at it’s core. Your beliefs. Not everything needs a title. In Reality, you’re not more “spiritual” than the dude who pumped your gas or the guy that did your taxes. You simply are just keeping closer tabs on it. You’re not a specially spiritual person. You’re simply a human being with thoughts and feelings. Just like every other fucking person you’ve ever seen and met. I think from now on I’m gonna claim “humanism”. Or not…who cares. My spirituality is telling me I’m hungry so I’m gonna go eat a cheeseburger.

Answers for questions vol. 125

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Blockhead

Good day to you fine sir/madam. Here’s another installment of “Answers for questions”. You send me questions about anything under the sun and I do my best to answer them honestly. It’s a simply concept that seems to work.
If you have more questions you’d like ask me, please do. My mailbox is always open. Send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
Cool? great. Now, let’s get into this weeks batch.

If you could organise your own hip hop festival/concert, which artists would you have perform and who would headline? Also, if you could organise everything you needed, which artists would you have perform as a hologram?

That’s tough cause, truth be told, I kind of hate live shows. I know that’s weird to hear coming from a musician but I think the fact I do shows has made me numb to them.
With that in mind, organizing a festival would be a nightmare for many reasons.
First off, most of the rappers I’d want to see wouldn’t exactly be selling tickets. They’re either under the radar or too old. But your hologram part of the question actually gave me a genius festival idea. I’d do an all dead rapper festival. All holograms. Big L, Big Pun, Biggie would headline and all the guests would be other dead rappers. Eazy-E would shut that shit down.
also appearing? ODB, Guru, Heavy D, Nate Dogg and , of course, Tim dog. That would actually be pretty incredible.

I’ve noticed that people who live in big cities often look down on people who are from smaller places. As you’re from NY do you believe that people are more enlightened as a whole when living in a big city? Or is it solely a different way of life? Are there any smaller towns in the US that you are a fan of?

Damn…you’re baiting me here. I don’t know about more enlightened but growing up and living in a city certainly is a much different experience than the burbs or a rural area. Things are quicker. Competition is higher. It sort of forces you to be on your toes at all time and I have always felt that gives you an edge in many ways. At the same time, I think us city people do tend to miss out on some of life’s subtleties. I’m sure there are aspects of small town living that are awesome that I’m completely unaware of. I’d imagine the community feeling of knowing everyone is kinda nice. I’m sure it’s way more relaxing as well. Meanwhile, I’m trying to not make eye contact with my neighbors 22 year old cross dressing boyfriend cause I banged on the wall last night at 3 am when he wouldn’t turn down that same fucking Rihanna song he plays all day.
As for looking down at people, it kinda depends. I mean, I can’t lie, when things like elections roll around and I see the fucking tea party candidates getting nominated it doesn’t exactly make me feel great about middle america. Small town mentality has never appealed to me. Not even that, I simply don’t get it. Often, I’ll equate small towns with things like religion and tradition. Things I truly don’t give a fuck about.
I’m a city person through and through. I could never live in a small town. I’m simply too used to a city. I mean, shit, I don’t think I could live in a different city even. The bar is set ridiculously high when NYC is your starting point and that’s what you think of when you hear the word “City”.
I’ve been to small towns that i had a good time in. But they’ve always felt like a place I’m good with after a day or two. It’s like “Ok, cool…i get it”. Truth be told, i need the sound of whizzing cars and off in the distance sirens to even be able to fall asleep.

I have had insecurities about my bootie in the past, and have since learned to appreciate the curve. But, please elaborate… why are some guys all about an extra round backside?? what gives? And is the bigger the better?

This isn’t really a black and white kinda thing (I don’t mean that racially). Some dudes like a skinny girl with a flat ass. However, at least in the world i live in, most dudes appreciate an ass far more than girls even understand. That’s why when , if a dude tells you you have a fat ass, you should take it as a compliment. Same with being referred to as “Thick”. That’s something most dudes actually like. I feel like girls hear those two things and immediately start getting insecure. You will never hear a man refer to someone like Lena Dunham as “Thick” cause she’s more “sloppy”. Thick denotes more firmness but also some cushion.
As for how big an ass can get…it depends who you’re asking. I know many dudes who might look at someone like Ice-T’s wife CoCo and either want to vomit or salivate. It’s all preference. One thing is certain, very few men are complaining about a girl with a skinny wist and a round ass. That’s for sure.

You get to join any 3 current TV reality shows, each for an entire season. While on each show, you must do all of the following with a fellow “cast member”:

1.) Sex (Condom)
2.) Sex with someone else (No Condom)
3.) 8 Hour Car Trip

Which shows and cast members do you choose?

I honestly don’t think i watch 3 reality shows that have casts like that. I watch shit like Top Chef , Catfish and Shark tank. My girl watches all those housewife shows but I can’t sit through them. I’ve seen Vanderpump rules, Black ink, & love and hip hop but I don’t know anyones name on those shows. So, really, Washington heights and Buckwild are the last two reality shows I was fucking with (until The Real world start up again cause I will be 70 and still watching that crap)
So, of those two…
Washington heights:
1)sex (condom) – The singer girl Reyna. She seems like she’s been around the block a few times. So that works both as a turn on and turn off. Say what you will about sluts but they’re usually fun (with a condom).
2)Sex (no Condom) – The white girl. i have no clue what her name is (I’m getting some white girl name that wounds like a rich white man’s last name. Something like Bradley or Winthrope) but she seems somewhat asexual (even though she has a man) so I wouldn’t worry too much about catching something from her.
3)8 hour Car trip – Ludwin
He’s a little emo for my taste but he’s not a total moron and wouldn’t make me listen to reggaeton/terrible second rate drake raps the entire time.

Buckwild:
1)Sex (condom)-The hot blonde girl. No clue what her name is but , if you’ve seen the show it’s obvious who I’m talking about.
2)Sex (No condom)- The indian girl with the huge tits. Raw dog might not be the wisest choice with her but there’s no way that blonde girl isn’t a petri dish of std’s.
3)8 hour car ride-ughh…I honestly don’t think I could be in a car with any of these fucking idiots for that long so I’mma cop out and say either one of the two I picked to have sex with above. At least I could flirt with them for the entire ride or something. I’m sure I’d be ready to jump into traffic by the 2nd hour but there’s no way i could handle being with one of those backwoods bro’s from that show for more than 5 minutes.

Can you supply a full analysis of the following clip? If you were to be a part of an endeavor like this what would you do differently?

First off, I can’t even count how many people have sent me this clip over the last few weeks. I see why…but still.
Okay…analysis? It’s a joke. There’s no fucking way this isn’t a joke. People are simply incapable of being that removed from reality. That’s saying a lot considering how insane a human can be but, i dunno, I just can’t see this being a real thing on any level. That said, it’s awesome. It’s really well done and they got the subtleties down perfectly so it looks legit but with just enough eye winking to let you know it’s not for real.
What i would do differently? Nothing. They nailed it. The only thing i would suggest, if the point of this video is to be taken as a real thing, I’d be less over the top. Maybe drop one single N-bomb. That might have people scratching their heads more. But, still, I think they did an amazing job on this and it’s fine the way it is. Very Tim and Eric-ish.

Are you into MMA? Are you into any sports in general? This question seems boring as fuck, but I just want to know. Don’t judge.

I don’t give a shit about MMA. I’ve tried to watch it and I’ve seen some awesome knockouts but the majority of the fights I’ve seen end up in two dudes hugging for 3 rounds. It just hasn’t delivered enough action for me to bother keeping up with it. I do love sports though. First and foremost, basketball. I watch it, play it, follow it closely and play fantasy basketball. It’s , far and away, my favorite sport.
Other than that, I fuck with boxing, baseball and a little tennis here and there. But, in all honesty, my interest in those sports doesn’t have 1/100th of the focus I do on basketball.

So, hypothetically, what option would you go for:

1) Stop your producing completely, you could never ever make music again, but you could listen to all other artists.

2) Keep producing but you couldn’t listen to any other songs ever. (This is hands down for me and most, but i don’t know how a producer would react. Aphex Twin for example prefers his own makings to any others. Also, i know your music is very sample based but try to abstract yourself from that.)

I mean, this is tough cause if I don’t make music, how do I support myself? I think that alone would kinda force my hand. I already sorta live that life in the sense that i don’t really listen to other artists within the instrumental hip hop genre but, still, what kind of orwellian shitty world would I ever live in that would make this a reality?

If you had to share every meal you ever ate with an animal, which animal would you choose?

A tapeworm.

Answers for questions vol. 124

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Blockhead

What’s good everyone. I’m still hungover from last nights oscars parties! just kidding. I watch Walking dead in sweat pants.
This weeks batch of questions are some of my favorite to date.
Fun, weird, and insightful. Good job, questions askers.
If you have anything you’d like me to answer, send the questions my way. Either leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com.

say you created a cult following. what kind of cult would it be and what would your followers do. you dont have any choice they will just follow you around all day and bother you if you dont give them direction.

Man, that would be my nightmare. I hate having to tell people what to do almost as much as I hate being blindly relied on. I’ve always been of the mind that people should do what they want within the boundaries of common decency. Meaning, I do me, you do you and we kinda just leave each other alone. So, in this case, that would be an overwhelming amount of responsibility I do not want. So, if these people were just dead set on following me, I’d probably just have them run errands for me all day and buy me shit. In fact, that’s what I’d call it: The church of you running errands and buying me shit all day. If they’re dumb enough to join a cult, I wouldn’t even feel bad about that.

Is the fuck-buddy zone the man’s version of the friend zone?

This just blew my mind and angered me that I never thought of it before. It’s too perfect.
I feel like there should be a college class that teaches an in depth analysis of this concept to young men and women so they can fully understand each other.
To answer the questions, YES! holy shit. The similarities are jaw dropping. In both cases, the majority of the people put in whatever zone, want more than they’re being offered. In both cases that will often lead to that person in whatever zone to just kinda hang around and see what happens. One of the only main differences I see is that guys will be friendzoned for decades. That speaks more to most mens partial indifference to waiting and also how deep a man’s thirst can be. Where as, most girls , who’ve been locked into the fuck buddy zone seem to hit a wall. It’s rare that you will hear of a girl who’s been fucking some guy casually for like 10 years and everything is all good. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s pretty fucking rare. Feelings get stirred. Pride gets questioned. girlfriends get judgmental. That shit has an expiration date. Friendzoning, though? That can last a life time.
I will say this too, I think it’s easier to get out of the friendzone (in very particular situations) than it is the “fuck-buddy zone”. Men are very definitive about how far they’re willing to go with girls, in terms of relationships. Sure, some men can be broken down over time but, trust me ladies, that’s not the relationship you wanna be in. But, in general, dudes have their mind made up of where a girl fits into his life pretty early on. It’s hard to create emotions that aren’t there once that’s been established. Where as, when a dude is friendzoned, because women do tend to be more compassionate , sensitive and less shallow when it comes to physical attributes, he’s got a slightly better chance to get out. I’ve seen a decent amount of dudes break down those friendzone walls, against all logic , and eventually end up with the girl they were pining for…and a year or two later, that girl is deeply in love with formally friend zoned dude. Whenever I see a couple on the street where the girl is super hot and they guy is a troll, I kinda assume he’s either rich or he successfully beat being friendzoned. For his sake, I hope it’s the latter.

What do you think about comeback albums? I just found out Skee-lo released an album in 2012… yeah, who knew he finally got tall enough to serve it up again. Whats the best comeback album ever?

Comeback albums tend to be terrible. I say this cause most artists, who have any worth whatsoever, don’t really just stop making music. Sure, people may take years between albums (aesop, fiona apple types) but the ones who had some flash in the pan single 15 years ago then come back? That’s never a good look. 9/10 times it’s a pretty flagrant last stab at milking ones dead career for one last pay check. Anytime I see an interview with some old ass rapper who hasn’t made an album in ten years, that wasn’t ever that great to begin with , talking about “I’m getting back in the studio…” I just sorta shake my head and forget I heard it.
Even artists who do it earnestly tend to struggle cause , when you take a seriously long amount of time off, you sometimes lose focus on what’s going on in music around you. Take a dude like Bill Withers. That guy was amazing for the majority of the 70′s. He fucking wrote “Lean on me” for christ’s sake. Then he just stopped making music cause he felt he was no longer inspired. While that was an extremely respectable thing to do (I wish more artists would embrace that type of honest self reflection) , when he got inspired again years later, the landscape of music had changed so much he sounded lost. He just didn’t have “it”.
As for best comeback album…
I think KMD’s Zevlove X returning as MF Doom counts. He took a self appointed hiatus due to some serious real life shit happening and not only came back strong, but he was better than ever. That’s almost unheard of.
I’ll tell you what won’t be the best comeback ever: Whatever LL Cool J puts out for the rest of his life. I mean..jesus dude…get it together…

I have a question about comedy. What is your opinion on comedians making jokes about tragic events such as school shootings and natural disasters? This topic might hit closer to home because various comedians have 911 jokes in their acts. Do you think these topics shouldn’t be joked about or do you feel that it’s necessary for comedians to stretch boundaries sometimes?

I think comedians should be able to talk about whatever they want. I may not always agree with them but they have 100% right to make fun of literally anything under the sun. I’m one of these people who feels there is humor in everything…in some form. Even the darkest , most awful thing on the planet, there is always a joke in there somewhere. Does that mean it needs to be said? Not really but I’d never stop anyone from doing it.
People get caught up on jokes like they forget what a joke is. IT’S A JOKE! It’s not meant to be taken seriously. Sure, some jokes have harsh realities between the lines but , often, people use levity to alleviate a deeply somber situation. That’s kind of in our human nature. The same way one might nervously laugh when he hears really terrible news. I feel, as humans, we should be able to separate ourselves from a joke. Unless that joke is specifically about you, it shouldn’t be that hard to keep your emotions out of it, no matter how close to home it hits.

Another aspect of this is something I’ve learned from making jokes on the internet. Everyone is offended by something. I made fun of fucking razor scoters once and people acted as if I made an AIDS joke about their mom.Often, people lash out at jokes cause of insecurity. I made a joke about razorscooters and you ride a razor scooter? Deal with it. It’s just a fucking joke. but, seriously, you’re a grown man, get the fuck off that razor scooter.
There is more than enough false outrage to go around in this world so jokes are great way to drain that cyst a little. People get offended by things that resonate with them personally. If you had someone close to you die from getting hit by lightening, you’re going to be sensitive to jokes about people being hit by lightening. That doesn’t make the joke lass funny in an overall sense, it just means that joke is not for you. And that’s what I think people need to get a handle on. The joke may not be to your liking but no one has any right to tell another person with free will what they can and cannot say. You’ve got the same amount of right to not listen/read/watch as I do to make any joke.

Yo Block, would you make out with Aesop for $5,000? If not, how about $10,000?

How broke do you think I am? As a straight dude, i can honestly say the idea of a passionate make out session with another man is as disgusting to me as the idea of blowing a dude. They’re equally horrifying. So, taking that knowledge, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t make out with any guy for any amount of money. Partially cause I feel like I wouldn’t physically be able to complete the task without barfing in that dudes mouth (btw, it wouldn’t help or hurt the situation that i know and am good friends with the guy i’d be doing it with. Guy mouth is a guy mouth) and partially cause I simply don’t need the money that bad right now. If i was broke, on the verge of being homeless and 10,000 would be a life changing thing for me? eh…maybe. I can’t even fathom being that desperate. So, to answer the question, that’s a firm “No”.

Answers for questions vol. 123

Posted on February 18, 2013 by Blockhead

Whattup everyone,
Welcome to another edition of Answers for questions. I’m very happy with this weeks batch. Some fun questions that, while they won’t give you any insight to my musical process, they will cover an abundance of topics that I enjoy, like pooping, hot girls and NYC.
Anyway, if you have more questions, send them my way. My mail box is always open. Either leave them in the comments below or email me them at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com

Anyway, let’s get on with it…

Can you explain what’s up with people who say that all the best looking chicks aren’t really hot to them? For example, rap video vixens are some of the best looking girls out there (I know that photos of those models are photoshopped as fuck, but for the sake of the argument lets just assume they really look like that in real life) and I just can’t understand how someone might say “naaah, she’s disgusting, i would never hit it, hell no” and look at you like your taste in women is really weird. The same people are almost always dating some really average looking girl with a flat ass who usually can’t buy liquor without getting her ID checked. I mean, it’s not just a taste thing, they say it for any specific type of women, just anyone who is known as hot is sooooo not hot to them. Is it because they know they can never get someone like her and they just manipulate themself in not feeling attracted to these types? I still think that like 95% of these guys are just lying and I cant figure out why. How can you not say Rosa Acosta would get it the second she wanted to? Or just admit she is hot..

I’d like to blame this kinda thing on the internet, but it was going on before then. The thing is, all men have this thing we like call “preferences”. Sure, you and I might like a brown skinned girl with curves but , trust me when i say this, a huge chunk of men are grossed out by that exact type. I was once playing ball at the park with guy I knew well enough. This stick thin, blonde girl with no body at all and a fairly half assed face walked by and he stopped the game to ogle her. I was like “Her?”. The last thing that guy would want is some 5’3” video hoe with a fat ass. While i don’t agree with it, that’s just what he likes.
However, body types are very specific. The one thing that does bother me is when dudes will front on a beautiful face. I’d say, in most cases, a beautiful face is factual. beauty, when it comes down to it, is really about symmetry of the face. Pretty eyes are pretty eyes no matter who looks at them. Like, if a dude can look me in the eye and say “I dunno…I think Beyonce is kinda ugly” I immediately just think he’s racist. Or when a dude will be like “Megan fox? gross. She wears too much make up…”. Sure. She does over do it on the make up but who fucking cares? look at her perfect fucking face! I think some guys just front on certain girls to prove a point. It’s corny of them and I wish they’d stop cause that’s a point no one needs to hear. Basically, people need to learn to separate their personal ideals (A girl who wears too much make up, dresses a certain way, ect…) and just judge it on a purely animal level. Sure, everyone has got a type they prefer but when people start just blankly writing off obviously beautiful women it’s silly. Let’s not forget…we are just normal dudes. 99% of the time, the women we are judging wouldn’t fuck us if we were the last men on earth…so, complaining about Kate Uptons hip width or Natalie Portman’s flat chest is the worst kind of nitpicking. Basically, just cause a girl isn’t your type doesn’t mean she’s still not insanely hot. I don’t like Beets so you won’t ever hear me give detailed critique of a borsht.

i gotta question, you ever think about selling out or going commercial? im sure you dont actually have a number but is there an amount were youd seriously consider selling your soul? like if drake and nikki minaja wanted to remix insomnia olympics or music sceen with there vocals for a shit ton of cash would you do it. by the way the songs called “bang me onna stack” its gotta repetive screwed chourus and its about being so rich that you fuck on piles of money in stead of a bed.

The way I see it , there are two types of selling out.
1) is the “Black eyed peas” model , where you get famous by any means necessary. The art side of music is completely thrown into the toilet and you just do anything you can to make music to appeal to the lowest common denominator.
2)The perceived version of selling out that people outside of bubble (AKA people who don’t make music for a living) throw at artists when they do something that is not to their liking HOWEVER, they do technically still stick with their own personal style.

I’m incapable of doing the first type. I simply could not make good pop music. It’s not in my repertoire. However, the second version? I’d do it in a heartbeat. The way I look at it is , if some rich rapper wants to pay me a ton of money to do what I’m already doing, I’m not gonna turn it down. As long as it’s on my terms (like I can make the beat and that’s what they use) I don’t see a problem with it. Would it be my proudest moment? Not really. But i also wouldn’t feel like a sell out cause some person much richer and more famous than me felt I was talented/hot in the streets enough to use.
I feel like i’ve harped on this before but people often forget that , as musicians, this is how me make a living. I don’t want to get a day job. I’ve been lucky enough to not have one for almost a decade. But I’m far from rich and all musicians future in music is uncertain. Especially in 2013 where the idea of people buying albums is comical. Sometimes, we gotta do what we gotta do, as musicians, to support ourselves. Sure, there is a line of self respect (The black eyed pea line) that , i feel, you should never cross but there’s plenty of shit I would do that I’m sure my fans would view as “selling out”, when really, I would just be doing me and supporting myself while not compromising how my music is made.

Question: Would you enjoy pooping as much as you do if you had to do it in an outhouse or a Korea-style porcelain hole in the floor toilet? Also, how much would you enjoy this, ?

Obviously not. Part of the enjoyment of a good dump is that you get to just sit there and hang out with yourself. Lots of great thoughts have happened on the bowl. That means you want to be sitting, comfortable , alone and warm. So those 4 things are all ruined by those different types of toilets.
I’ve shit in an outhouse and it was a nightmare. I’m really not cut out for when the world ends and we have to start over again with no power. It was cold in there for sure but the worst part was , easily, the fact that I was shitting on top of other shit. I don’t care if it’s 5 feet below me. That shit resonates. You can smell it and almost convince yourself you can feel it’s warmth. Just terrible. It’s stuff like that that will make me turn down any invite ever to a old school cabin in the woods type vacation.
As for those Korean Toilets, if I’m standing while shitting, we’ve got problems. I simply don’t have interest in shitting in a yoga position.

hey block, ive heard anthony bourdain say he misses the old manhattan any chance he gets. is it really that different now? u really think gentrification is a bad thing. cuz i live across the street from abanded house, the shit holes been anbanded for over 3 years and i wouldnt mind knockin the fucker over for applebees.

for the record i feel applebees and MTV are the same thing on some level. you watching washington heights is like eating a cheese burger with bbq sauce and an onion ring on it. well im off to yoga and a localy owned book store the serves coffee.

I’ve actually written a great deal on this topic so, instead of rehashing, I’ll just link you to those pieces:
http://phatfriend.com/2011/10/26/allow-me-to-shit-on-nyc-for-second/
http://phatfriend.com/2010/01/29/its-still-nyc/
http://phatfriend.com/2011/05/30/the-fear-factor/

Which animal is, in your humble opinion, the rapiest of them all? I figure that the obvious choice is the monkey, but I seem to recall having read somewhere that ducks are actually quite rapey

I can’t say I keep many tabs on the rapey-ness of animals. I mean, they’re animals…aren’t most of them pretty rapey? It’s not like they court each other, go on dates and the lady animal decides she’s ready to let the male animal mount her. They just kinda sidle up, smell each others assholes and go to town. If that happened in the human world, mad dudes would catch cases.

say that you were exiled from the united states, and had to go live in another country for the rest of your life. you can make up what ever reason you want. where would you move to and why?

I would probably move to Australia or Canada. Canada seems a little more logical cause it’s nearby and , if i did that, I would still be able to see family and friends on some level. I’d gladly live in Montreal or Toronto. I’m a fan of both those cities. In fact, I’d honestly rather live in them than most US cities.
With Australia, I’d probably go to Melbourne. I went there once and loved it, loved the people and just the overall vibe of the place. It just seems like a place i could live comfortably in.

Answers for questions vol. 122

Posted on February 11, 2013 by Blockhead

Oh hey there…Welcome to another edition of that thing where I answer things you ask me. why? Because we both have time to waste.
If you have any sort of questions you’d like me ask (personal, music based, advice, ridiculous) throw them my way. Email me them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the in the comments below. My only rule is that you try and be original with the questions. We’re 122 volumes deep now so “What inspires you?” isn’t gonna cut it.

Ever have a chick grab your dick in a public setting through your clothes? This seems like absolute bullshit to me cuz a dude can’t walk up to some chick and grab her crotch without being thrown in jail. What are your thoughts on a drunk chick grabbing a dudes dick through his pants in a public setting? Assuming you know this chick but haven’t slept with her.

I’m racking my brain and can’t think of a situation where this has happened. I feel like I’ve had girls tap my crotch before but never straight up grab it. I also have pretty good reflexes so perhaps I’ve avoided a few grabs that way.
As for my opinion on it, it depends on the situation. I’d imagine there would be a time when the right girl grabbing your junk in public would be kinda cool. That time? When you want to have sex with that drunk girl. Otherwise, it’s pretty rude and presumptuous. Also, a lot of girls don’t really know how to handle balls. By that, I mean they go a little rough with them. If some drunk girl violent grabs your package, she could end up really hurting you if she did it wrong.
As for the whole angle of it being bullshit cause men can’t blah blah blah…deal with it. women get groped all the time and it’s way scarier for them cause men are generally bigger and more imposing figures. When a girl grabs your junk in public, it’s not like a wave of rape fear washes over your body. When a girl does it to a man, it can be awkward but it’s not exactly threatening. Think of it as a poorly worded compliment.

Mr. Scruff has got his own brand of tea. Made me think, have you ever thought about having you’re own cereal? I’m not offering it to you cause I’m an unemployed 20-something, but what would it be like? And if there were any other products you would put out…

I’m not really a cereal guy. I mean, I like it but I never have it cause it means I have to get milk. Milk in my fridge is too much pressure. It goes bad so quickly, i feel like, if I have cereal, I’m under the gun to eat like 3 bowls a day or else the milk with go bad and I’ll be stuck with half a box of cereal for the rest of my life.
So, I’d opt for something different. I actually tweeted about this the other day but , if I could make and sell anything in the food world, it would be an oatmeal cooking with chocolate chips in it. How that’s not the norm for all cookies is beyond me. Fuck a raisin. The only problem is, i don’t cook or bake so I’d just have someone who does, make a good one and I’d throw my name on there. Soft baked oatmeal with chocolate chips. I’m getting aroused just thinking about them.

How do you go about finding samples?
how much of them are not from records and how much are?

Also if you have any tricks of reducing grain noise from
records on ableton without altering the audio too much.

I pretty much only sample from stuff I download nowadays. The records I would sample from simply got too expensive and dollar bins have been dry for years. Nowadays, I go to rare music blogs and download albums that other people ripped off vinyl. Not only is it free but the type of shit I get is stuff that I would have never been able to find ten years ago. I know some purists complain about the sound quality of sampling off of mp3′s but I’ve never been bothered by it. I started sampling off cassettes anyway. This is a step up from that.
As for Abelton tricks, just don’t stretch a sample more that 10-15 bpms. Some are more workable but anything with a percussive sound in it is going to be hard to do major stretching to. Also , you can set that thing (no clue what the name is) in the “sample” window (between to the “clip” and “envelop” windows toward the bottom) to different settings like “beats”, “Tones” , “Texture” and “Complex”. That will sometimes give you a little extra leeway with the stretching.

For the rest of your life, which would you rather have happen… Every time you take a shit you get a little on your hand, or every time you take a piss you miss the urinal/bowl for half the stream?

I mean , is this even debatable? Who would ever pick the “shit on your hand” option? It’s not like missing the bowl a little is some guilt ridden experience. It’s what we do anyway sometimes. Also, in this situation, do I not have hands of something? Is my dick like a wiley firehouse? On what planet could this not fixed with simply aiming where i pee?
I think that’s my problem with these “would you rather” questions. While they are often funny, the choices are so easily refuted it just doesn’t work to my logical brain. Like, getting shit on your hand…I suppose that’s possible. But just missing the bowl completely for half of the duration of a piss? Unless I have a gyrating urethra, it just doesn’t work.

Say you were given the chance to be in the first group of humans to colonise a new planet, would you? Catch is you can never return to earth, but you never have to work again. Also who would you bring (anyone).

Hate to be a bummer but I think I’d pass. I’m not a trailblazer like that. I’m happy in my little world with my comforts and familiar things. The last thing I’d want to do is start over on a different planet. That just seems like a lot of work, considering I’m gonna die eventually regardless.
A better plan would be to send all the people I dislike to go start that planet. Thus, improving this planet greatly. I feel like that would be much easier than rounding up all the people I like and starting life over on New Mars or whatever.

I gotta question, Alaska said he didnt like stevie wonder, the beatles, bob marley, and others during your ” tim and I look at shit” thing recenly. everyones entitled to a opinon and i actually agree with a couple of his dislikes. is there any legendary artist you dont like or dont get the appeal? what about hip hop artist?

Oh, there are tons of hip hop artists I feel that way about. Off the bat, Tupac. I mean, he was OKAY but that was about it. Lil’ Wayne too. Even in his prime he just sounded like an underground rapper from the mid-90′s crossed with Jay-Z.
I hate to throw these dudes in , but the Roots. I tried to like them for a long time. I really did. I just was always bored. Musically it was fine and Black thought is a great rapper. It just didn’t stick for me. I feel as if Black thought has all the parts that makes a great rapper great except his actual lyrics. Like, nothing he’s ever rapped had stuck with me, no matter how perfectly executed it was.
I also have a similar thing with Kendrick Lamar. he’s undoubtedly a great rapper with a vision and a lot of creativity. I would never say he was wack. I just can’t get into him. Maybe it’s his voice? I really dunno. I wanted to like his new album cause it’s really well done and thoughtful but I just found myself never putting it on.

As for non-rap stuff…there are tons. Thing is, I was never a rock guy. So most rock and roll, i simply don’t give a fuck about. Nirvana…Bruce Springsteen…any heavy metal. It’s just not for me. I think it’s for that reason I got so shocked when Alaska hated on the Beatles cause, to me, they’re pretty unfuckwithable. But i think his point had more to do with oversaturation than the music itself. Cause from a song writing standpoint, who’s fucking with them in rock?

Tastemakers with shitty taste.

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Blockhead

Sometimes I feel like the world is backwards. Well, I should clarify that. Sometimes I feel like the music world is backwards. While I’m no longer the staunch purist I once was, there is still that tiny part of me that will see the “cool new thing” and think “but…this just kinda sucks…”. It’s as if it offends my sensibilities without even trying.
Lately, I’ll see a new video from whatever artist blogs are frothing at the mouth about and it will just kinda bum me out. I mean, people are gonna make the music they gonna make. I tend to blame the fans of bad shit before I’d blame the creators of said bad shit. Really, in 2013, we only have the tastemakers to blame.

As we’ve seen the likes of Riff Raff, Kitty Pride, and Kreayshawn do big things over the last few years, it’s as if the people who set the standards are misleading us.
I know plenty of people who work for blogs, write for magazines and cover music in general. For the most part, these are smart people who actually know about music and have reference points that can be applied to figuring out what makes something good and what makes something bad. You know, a critical ear. It’s similar from knowing the difference between right and wrong. While there is always going to be some grey areas, the basics are pretty simple.
Lately, even these people are willing to sit me down and explain why someone like Kitty Pride is actually awesome. I’ve had people try to sell me on her and why her musics good but they end up selling me everything BUT the music. They sell the idea of her as an artist. “She’s a young girl who just did it for fun…” That’s cool and all but, you know, if the music isn’t particularly good, there’s simply no angle you can spin it to make me think otherwise. I mean…jesus fucking christ…Can we just admit that she’s not good at what she does? And, again, I’m not blaming her. She’s doing what she wants to do. I’m sure she has no aspirations of being a great rapper and I’m sure she doesn’t care the slightest bit about what some over the hill rap fan thinks of her.
She’s just an example of something that is becoming a repeating cycle. Every few weeks, a new “thing” pops up. Sometimes they stick (ASAP Rocky is doing well, Lil B is obviously not going anywhere) and sometimes they flare out as quick as they appeared cause , when it was all said and done, they bought nothing to the table. This is how music has always worked on some level but now it’s done in stop motion speed.

I think part of the issue I take with tastemakers, outside of them even existing, is that a lot of the time they just seem like old people pandering to young people. A whole bunch of motherfuckers trying to hold on to their youth by cosigning what kids like but for a more hip audience. Perhaps they so steeped in irony they can no longer think critically. Who knows? These are the same people who grew up with the music that birthed the type of music that birthed the type of music that birthed the spin off of the music that birthed the type of music that got rearranged into the bastardization we see today. What I’m trying to say is that they know better. Some of the hip hop shit that bloggers hype up gives me the same feeling as if I saw that someone who used to write about the Beatles started hyping up Linkin Park. It simply doesn’t connect.

As a rap fan whose been into this since the 80′s, it’s sometimes hard to separate myself from judging things how I used to. I’ve learned to appreciate things I might have shunned ten years ago. Part of that is simply caring less and not taking music so seriously (I actually highly recommend this to all of you out there). For example, ASAP Rocky is a rapper who, while I don’t love , I get it. He’s got something. An intangible quality that makes his music listenable. Riff Raff, while a total joke, is at least interesting. He’s basically a living , breathing internet troll in music form. I can appreciate that. I’m not about to bump his mixtapes but I’m also not sitting around stewing over his success.
But there is a line. A line that gets crossed all the time. And why, you may ask?
I may not be the right guy to say this but , lately, I’ve been feeling like white people are just getting a little TOO comfortable. Be it the artists themselves or the people who try and dictate what’s the fresh new thing. I just imagine some white dork leaning back in his chair , with a cigar in his dorky mouth thinking “Now is MY time”. There was a time when there were repercussions for being wack. You’d get dissed. You’d get made fun of. Now, it’s as if people will overlook the meal and just focus on why the chef cooked it.
I see videos like this:

I know nothing about this dude. He could be a great guy. But, come the fuck on…I realize the model of hip hop as I know it is dead. That’s fine. I think there is still good music being made on a regular basis. But this is simply not okay. Now, luckily for us, this guy isn’t exactly “the next big thing”. He’s just a dude who made a song that I don’t like. That’s fine. I wish him the best. The fact of the matter is, while this song is easily as good/bad as tons of shit championed by tastemakers, he simply doesn’t fit the criteria. But then you got shit like this dropping and I get nervous:

Now, I’m not a dude whose on all the blogs so I don’t know if this is a “thing” yet. But I feel like it’s only a matter of time. They are the rap equivalent to TaTu. At least that seems to be how they’re angling themselves. Truth be told, the rapper isn’t even bad (well…she’s not great but she can at least kinda flow). Compared to Kitty Pride, she’s fucking Rakim. But still…it just feels like any heat behind this kinda thing is so obviously based on them being who they are (attractive girls of a questionable age that rap about cute girly shit and dress a certain way) as opposed to the actual music. I think this issue I have all comes down to me thinking “Okay, i get it…but who really listens to this?” Like, who is sitting in their car bumping a song like this when they are alone? I feel that way about a lot of music but that feeling is even more intensified when it comes to flavor of the month blogger darlings. I almost feel like no one really listens to it…they just say they do. Maybe I’m being naive and short sighted about it (after all, I’m not exactly cued into what the kids are loving nowadays) but still…
I don’t know who assigned who to be tastemakers. I don’t know who took formerly keen critics of music and forced them to dumb down their standards to pander to a growingly stupid fan base but all I want to say is: Do Better. You guys are better than this. I know in my heart of hearts that you’re not so far gone that you can no longer see things for what they are. Please…you’ve got a strange type of power. There is no shortage of actual good music. Please apply this power towards that and let these flash in the pan jokey musicians turned internet celebrities just fizzle as they should. Please. I beg of you.
That is all.

Oh, and as an aside, I’d like to give props to this dude Anthony Fantano who runs http://theneedledrop.com/. He’s never reviewed anything I’ve worked on (as far as I know) so this isn’t biased like that…but he is what a critic/tastemaker should be. He’s thoughtful, slightly over analytical, honest and passionate about music. I may not agree with everything he loves and hates but , even when that’s the case, he at least makes a strong case for his point. Go peep his reviews. He the model in which todays internet music nerds should be built from.

Answers for questions vol. 121

Posted on February 4, 2013 by Blockhead

I hope everyone has recovered nicely from Super Bowl Sunday or “super bowel sunday” , as I like to call it. Here we are, back again with another installment of that thing where you ask me stuff and I answer it. I’m an open book. So, if you have any questions at all, about anything, ask me. Leave the questions in the comments section below OR email them to at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Unless the question is a repeat, too stupid to comprehend or too personal (I think that’s only happened like twice), I answer them all. So, get on that.
Here’s this weeks batch…

I know you aren’t into ghosts and shit but what’s the creepiest, chilling, back-hair raising ghost story you’ve ever heard?

Because I don’t frequent campfires with children very often, I haven’t heard many ghost stories. The ones I have heard tend to induce eye rolls for me as , in most cases, everything that happened could be explained, therefor, debunking the reality of a ghost actually existing. However, there was one I heard recently (I forget who told it to me but it was definitely someone I know well and respect as a human) that was kinda scary. She told me about living in some old house off campus when she went to college in upstate NY. I forget all the details but it involved tons of slamming doors and rattling windows. While this could easily be explained by wind, the thing is, whenever this would happen she’s go and check and the air would be completely still outside. Still, it coulda have been gusts but I’m forgetting huge parts of this story so it’s not like I’ll convince you. I just clearly recall hearing the full story and thinking “hmm…that’s kinda fucked up…”.

I was putting together a mix of songs for a new year’s party & I noticed about how many of my favorite artists have put out so much quality music & then suddenly stopped. Not that they stopped making music but with many of my all time favorites they just started putting out kinda shitty music. Not complete trash but definitely not as good as the old stuff. Not naming names, (Gza) but I think I attribute it to laziness and complacency. Its like they are ok with falling off and just phoning it in. Is this just a fact off life and everyone falls off eventually and these cats just accept it and are just milking it for what it’s worth? Can this be avoided? Is it all about staying hungry?

Falling off happens. I think the higher you ascend , the harder you fall. A dude like the GZA had a classic album under his belt and then probably toured extensively, made lots of money and was in a different place when it was time to do a follow up to that classic. This happens to more artists that you know. I feel like touring a lot can hurt the creative growth of an artist cause , if you’re away for like 6 months at a time, you’re not on the ball. You’re in tour mode. It’s like being in a catatonic state. I’m sure some of these guys would get off tour , recalibrate , and by the time they were ready to make a new album, the entire landscape of music had changed. Music, especially hip hop, moves so fast you have to actually pay close attention if you wanna keep up.
But, beyond just hip hop, falling off is a fact of life. There is not a single famous artist who’s been making music for 15 plus years who hasn’t dropped a stinker or two. Whether it’s cause that artists changes for the worst, loses his drive to create, or takes bad advice from yes men…it eventually happens. Sad but true.

So I was just taking a shit and the placement of my dick when I sat down just about caused me to piss all on my (ankled) pants. This is a phenomena unrelated to size of your member…it’s an effect of carelessness. Ever happened to you before?

I’d definitely say that is a result of carelessness. Do you not tuck it while you sit? This has never happened to me as I learned from a young age how to pee while taking a shit. The only thing I can say that’s happened like that to me would be having pee leak out the front of the toilet seat due to shoddy craftsmanship.
This does remind me of the time my friend told me “Hey, don’t you hate when you’re taking a shit and you dick touches the water?”. It was right then that I knew my friend had a really big dick. Which is not something you ever really need to know about your friends.

88 or 94? in ur opinion what was the single greatest year in hip-hop?

I’d actually argue that while those might be the two most important years where hip hop took a leap forward, neither are the best. I’m more of a 91 kinda guy. But the thing is, even deciding that is splitting hairs. Hip hop from 88-94 was my favorite period in music ever. Without 88, 94 wouldn’t have ever happened. So, while the music that came out in 94 was probably more enjoyable and holds up better today, 88 was a year where things got rolling. Big Daddy Kane, The Jungle Brothers, Rakim, BDP.
Not to mention, I think part of the reason people hold 1994 in such high regard is cause it was the year “illmatic”, “Ready to die” and “Southernplayalisticcaddilacmusic” came out. All classic albums that changed the game…but personally? I’ll take 91. http://rateyourmusic.com/list/Madvillain/ego_trips_25_greatest_hip_hop_albums_1991 That’s an insanely good list. Better than 94′s easily, in my opinion.

Hypothetically you’re on the first date/first night out drinking(I don’t date that shits a mystery to me) with some seemingly chill chick who’s, lets say a 9, when things go smoothly and you end up at her place. She wants to fuck. However, she says she’s only down to fuck if you put anal beads in your ass. (Supposedly a friend of a friend of a friend had this shit happen to them after hooking up with this chick from craigslist…)So you’re about to cum and you do, but as you do she pulls the beads and you shit everywhere. You run in the bathroom embarrassed. You come out still a bit red in the face to find this chick rubbing your feces all over herself. You bolt. Would you put the beads in your ass to get with this hottie? If you did and got to the point where you had just left after wiping your ass in her bathroom and just seen her wiping shit all over herself, do you tell anyone about it?

Questions like this scream “I’m a virgin”. Just saying. But, I’m here to answer even the dumbest questions so I’ll go forward.
First off, I don’t care how hot the girl is. Anal beads inside of me is just not happening. The notion that , because a girl is soooo hot that she could get a grown man to do something he’s 100% doesn’t want to do in the bedroom is ridiculous. Sure, a beautiful woman could get a man to do tons of dumb shit. Kill a man, fuck over his family, end friendships…but sticking things up his ass when he’s not into it? Not gonna happen. Even dirt bags have their limits.
So, let’s just say, for the sake of discussion, I did let that happen. I cum ,shit and run to the bathroom and come out and see her playing with my fecal matter. Would I tell anybody? OF FUCKING COURSE! In fact, I’d probably write about it on this very blog and just tell my mom to skip that entry. How could I not tell people that? That’s insane. Also, I’d never ever ever ever see that girl again as she is a disgusting pig.

Mtv is kinda doing things right now…

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Blockhead

I know. You don’t own a TV. I get it. You’re too fucking smart and read too many books to waste your time ever watching some reality show on MTV. Well, while you’re thumbing through the dictionary learning words and shit, I’m at home being a fucking sociologist! That’s right…I’m watching TV as a means to learn about my fellow man.
Over the last few months, I gotta hand it to MTV. They’ve made not one, but THREE new shows that I, as a full grown male adult, can enjoy on some bizarre level.
It’s been a long time since this has happened. After years of teen moms and sweet 16′s, it would appear they have finally hit the nail on the head. Well, maybe that’s going overboard. Lemme rephrase that. It would appear they have turned over some stones and found something of slight worth.
Because I’m assuming you are all too good to watch MTV cause you’re too busy eating gluten free everything and doing yoga, allow me to explain these three shows I’m speaking of. Perhaps I can even sway you to let your brain rest for a bit and just enjoy some good old , mind numbing tv. Doesn’t that sound nice? Sure it does.
Think of these like reviews , if you will…Why not?

Catfish

Catfish is a show based on a documentary about a dude who finds out his online relationship is totally made up. He does detective work and actually meets the person he had been talking to all this time, only to find out she was not who she claimed to me. Sound familiar? Considering what’s going on with that Manti te’o guy right now, this topic is more relative than it’s ever been. Basically, it’s an expose on the lengths people will go and reasons people lie on the internet.
The premise of the TV show is to help people involved in questionable internet love webs see who the real person is behind the curtain. Turns out, 9 out of 10 times , The wizard of Oz is just some lonely, insecure and morbidly obese person. For this reason, I prefer to call this show “Fatfish”.
The host, Nev Shulman, is an affable jew that every white girl loves. He’s so kind and understanding that it almost makes you think he can’t be serious. His sympathy knows no bounds. He entertains the dreams of the delusional like few other before him. They will be sitting there, telling him their story about how they met this dude online four years ago and have never spoken or met him even thoughh he lives 2 towns over and Nev will nod his head with a look in his eyes that reads “I know, he’s THE ONE”. Even after the story is told and Nev and his co-host start doing research on this person (which always turns up faulty info and clearly dismantles the dreams of this person even before they have a chance to meet their “soul mate”), Nev still manages to keep a straight face and blow just enough smoke up their asses in order for the pay off…the face to face meeting between the two internet lovers.
I always watch this show with my girl and she’s just waiting for that one episode where things work out. Where the person on the other end of the relationship is actually who they say they are. But it will never happen. Why? Because that’s how these things work. There is no logical reason to NOT ever speak, skype, send new pics or meet someone you are involved with. I’m not just talking dick pics either. I’m talking basic interaction. So, if it’s been years of telling someone you love them over facebook messages but never , ever meeting that person? You best believe the person on the other side of that screen is hiding something huge, be it a belly, or a tucked in penis.
Of the three shows, this one is easily the best in all senses of the word. It’s actually riveting in a non-ironic way. It’s fucked up enough to appeal to the anti-social folks out there and it’s got a documentary angle to it that lends itself to the show actually being put together well. Sure, Nev is definitely exploiting these people under the guise of being the most caring and sensitive man on the planet but I’d argue it’s for a better cause. These are people that need to be smacked into reality cause they obviously can’t grasp life off the internet. This show is a realistic look at the world we live in right now, sitting behind our computers and trusting everything a little too much. This is a show I’d even tell my mom to watch. The other two…not so much…

Buckwild

It’s redneck jersey shore. That’s all it is. I could go into a long winded description of it but what’s the point?
However, before you write it off, let’s not forget that Jersey shore was once an awesome show. It was awesome cause it was a reality show where “real” shit went down. By “real” I don’t mean “actual” I just mean rugged. People fucked. People fought. People got alcohol poisoning. The difference between “Buckwild” and “Jersey shore” is subtle. While Jersey Shore followed the lives of a bunch of guido’s in their early/mid 20′s trolling for pussy in the world’s corniest beach town, Buckwild is a hair younger and they give less of a fuck. These are kids who I’m not even 100% sure are the legal drinking age yet. Some of them look in their late teens. All they do is get fucked up and do redneck shit. Redneck shit is that happy medium between hoodrat shit and an episode of Jackass. No gym, tan or laundry here. These half witted yokels ride mud buggies during the day and then get obliterated at night to entertaining results. They’re like a cast of Maury show rejects with no adult supervision what so ever. I’ve often compared pitbulls to dumb frat boys. This show is like if you took a whole kennel of untrained pitbulls and gave the jello shots. It’s mayhem. Not to mention a few of these dudes are so southern they need subtitles when they talk. That’s always a good time.
I recommend this show to people who really want to take a break from thinking. It is the mindless time waster you’ve been craving. It’s never dark or deep…it’s just dumb motherfuckers being dumb while doing dumb shit. It may lead to you becoming sterile but it’s pretty harmless. Also, If it lasts more than 2 seasons I’ll be fucking shocked.

Washington Heights

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/862499/washington-heights-trailer.jhtml#id=1698383

This one is special cause I can’t help but think of the pitch to get this show made…

Pitch guy:Okay, so there’s the neighborhood in upper Manhattan called “Washington heights”. It’s full of “flava” and drama, so I’m told. I’m thinking we could make a reality show…Kinda like “The hills” but in the hood.
MTV Exec:Go on…
Pitch guy: So, this neighborhood is where all the dominicans live…
MTV Exec: Wait…What’s a “dominican”?
Pitch guy: It’s like a puerto rican I think, I dunno…I’ll have my people look into that detail.
MTV:Very good, But how are we gonna sell this show to a country that barely knows what puerto ricans are? I mean, you realize that the east coast is only a small part of the country…
Pitch guy: No, I get that. But what if we take these dominicans and their neighborhood and give it the MTV treatment? Make it look glamorous? Sure, they live in 2 bedroom apartments with their extended families in buildings where people piss in elevators…but we can make them look fabulous. Like have them eating at all these hip restaurants…
MTV guy: Are you sure they have those up there?
Pitch guy: No, but I figure if we just make up some outside seating at whatever diner they live near, it’ll look fancy enough.
MTV guy: Good point. But…I dunno…how is the rest of the country going to relate to this tiny sub-culture? we need something…something…umm…white?
Pitch guy: I hear you loud and clear. We’ve already got a misplaced white girl lined up. We’re thinking that she will be the connecting link between these dominicans and all the people watching the show who never even knew that was a race of people.
MTV guy: Excellent. Also, they’re gonna need to have dream, aspirations and shit like that.
Pitch guy: For sure. We got it all mapped out. We got a rapper, a poet, an artist , a fashion designer and a baseball player…maybe even one wants to be an actor? We’ll see.
MTV guy: Perfect! oh, just one thing, no blunt smoking! I wanna keep this positive. Kinda like how we never showed the girls on “The hills” doing coke and sucking dick. Also, I wanna keep the brown bagged 40′s and them saying “nigga” to a minimum.
Pitch guy: No problem. We can fix all that in editing.

And, from there, this show was born.
Watching this show is pure bliss for me because it’s such amazing bullshit. Sure, these kids may be real but the world they’ve (the shows creators) created to be Washington Heights is another story. It looks more like Soho heights. I legit feel bad for the people who live there now cause it is indeed one of the last remaining real neighborhoods in Manhattan and it’s about to get over run with stupid white people who saw a tv show and moved to NYC. Sure, some gentrification has happened over the years but it’s maintained it’s balance better than most hoods have. That is, until now. This show is like an attack on the heights authenticity. Much like how “Sex in the city” turned my downtown neighborhood into a a shell of it’s former self, this show could very well be the beginning of the end of Washington Heights as we know it. There is no doubt in my mind, hundreds of people from all over the country , who had never even knew of this area existing have light bulbs going off in their heads thinking “that place looks like somewhere i could move!”. After all, everyone know that, while Brooklyn is the place to be, the price is high to live there. Why not move to the heights? Well, there are many reasons for your typical midwest white to not move there but they sure as hell can’t tell from this show. Let the gentrification begin.
Now , reading this, you’re probably thinking “Why the fuck are you watching this shit then?” and it’s a justified question. I guess cause I can’t take my eyes off of it. It’s not quite a car crash (though that girl reading her spoken word poem “Uptown, my uptown” was one of the more hilarious/cringeworthy things I’ve seen in a long time) but it’s fascinating to me. I like to watch for small flares of the real Washington Heights to pop out. Amidst this fantasized version of 175th street and
Fort Washington ave, the fact is they are still in the hood. It’s not the scariest neighborhood on any level but it’s still the hood. Yet, somehow, they manage to minimize those realities and make it look like a rustic beach town. But when those hood elements pop? It feels good, man. Cause really, an actual real reality show about Washington Heights would be incredible.
Beyond all that, it should also be noted that a good amount of people on this show are actually likable. As corny as the spoken word poet girl is, she’s very sweet. The hipster art nerd dude seems like he belongs in Williamsburg but he’s nice enough. Even the lauren conrad of the show, a rapper named “Autobon” , is even somewhat likable. That may not make people want to watch the show but it something different than most MTV reality shows. But, really, when all else fail, you can’t go wrong with a hood cat fight…

This show is for the soap opera reality show types. The people who watched Laguna beach and The hills. Whether or not those same people will want to watch a show about a small subculture of latino’s in NYC remains to be seen but, really, the plots point remain the same.

Phat Friend

Sweeping generalizations and unicorns

Category Archives: Rants