My neighbor: Livin’ la vida Loca

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Blockhead

If you follow my twitter or facebook account , you’ve probably seen me complain about my next door neighbor. I often tell tales (in 140 characters of less) of the constant barrage of loud music coming from the other side of my bedroom wall. I figure it might be fun to take a deeper look into this and really give you guys the full picture of what I’m dealing with over here.
So, I moved into the building I currently live in over ten years ago. For the most part, I pretty much keep to myself. I say hi to everyone in the hallway and I’m always cordial (I’ll hold a door for a bitch, no question bro) but I’m not exactly trying to buddy up with anyone in my building. Which is fine cause it would appear the feelings are mutual. As long as I’ve been here, I really have only had frequent interactions with two different people. My upstairs neighbor ,who is very social and actively in peoples business. I don’t even mean that in a bad way. He’s just kinda like the self appointed mayor of the building. He knows everyone and also knows what’s going on constantly. If I need info on who’s moving in or out of the building or what store is opening up next door, he’s the guy. So, while he’s a little bit nosey, he’s a good guy. No issues with him. My next door neighbor is a retired fire marshall (I think…he might have just been a fireman). He’s very much an “old new yorker”. He talks with the accent and has that nature that reminds me of the people who used to work in butcher shops on Bleeker street when I was a kid. To me, it’s a very familiar and comforting disposition. Unlike my upstairs neighbor, he was pretty much a ghost in the building…until about 5 years ago.
Five years ago. That’s when I started to notice a lot of extra traffic in the hallways scurrying by my door. Mornings, daytime, late night. I’d often come home from a night out and run into what would appear to be 6 foot tall women with terrible make up jobs in my buildings hallway. Oh wait…those aren’t women.
Turns out, my quiet neighbor had a taste for cross dressers. Not just any cross dressers. He had a type. Mostly it was black and latino dudes. This came as a shock to me cause, up until that point, I thought he had a wife/girlfriend. But, turns out he didn’t. Whatever the case, it wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t bothered by it and the guy was entitled to enjoy his life whatever way he pleased. It was more a funny side note of “Did you know my neighbor bones drag queens?”. This behavior continued for the next few years as it appeared my neighbor was coming into his own as a gay man. I don’t know if he hadn’t been out before but there was a definitive upswing in his openness about it. Good for him.

Flash forward to about 2 years ago and I get a knock on my door. It’s my neighbor, adorned in a way too small silk robe , his chest peaking out and his deeply white thighs also making their presence known. He informs me that a friend of his is moving in with him. We both have duplexes and his new roommate would be getting free reign of the bottom floor (the room on the other side of the wall of where my girlfriend and I sleep AKA my bedroom AKA my studio). He also tells me that if he’s too noisy or anything like that, let him know and it will be taken care of. Okay. I didn’t think much about beyond “Oh, hey, my neighbor has a new boyfriend. “. But , soon, I’d realize that this was not just a new relationship being taken to the next level. This wasn’t you typical “people moving in together” situation.

From that day on, I’d see his new man in the halls. He was a young bow legged latino guy. Maybe 22 or so. He looks like one of madonna’s dancers from the late 90′s. From what I understand, he was/is a dancer. But one thing is for sure, this motherfucker LOVES music. How do I know this? Cause from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, music is blasting. Always. Now, this is annoying on many levels. I’ve had neighbors like this before. I’ve also been the loud music neighbor. But in all those cases, there have been some limits. With this guy, it’s not only a constant flood of music, but it’s a constant flood of very particular music. Much like his older boyfriend, he’s got his taste. And it spans far and wide from 3 different Rihanna songs to the song “girls gone wild” by madonna to a Britney spears live concert.

That’s it. That’s all he listens to. For the last 2 fucking years. Sure, occasionally he’ll spice it up with some salsa music and he went through a brief Lady Gaga stage but, for the most part, it’s steadily been those specific songs for the entire time he’s lived there. And not just sporadic plays. I’m talking repeated plays , back to back of the same song for hours on end. Did I mention he sings along? You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a Dominican cross dresser sing “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” off key at the top of his lungs. There are feelings and emotions possessed in that performance that I will never reach in my wildest dreams.
Every hear Britney spears rendition of “I love rock and roll”? I have. Performed through a brick wall, 15 times a day for 2 years. Feel me?

Whenever I tell people about this, their immediate reaction is “have you complained?”. Of course I have. After a few incidents of 6am music blasting , new rules were made. No music before 11am or after 11 pm. This held up for a few weeks until the parties picked up again. But this has been a constant back and forth. I complain, the noise stops for a few weeks , then it starts again. Such is the cycle of life, my friends. One thing I should point out is that my neighbor (the older guy, not the kid) is nothing if not accommodating. He’s not deaf and is always willing to tell his roommate to shut the fuck up. In fact, it goes beyond that. After Hurricane Sandy, the buildings communal backyard was a mess. I was back there moving some shit around when my neighbor popped out (silk robe in full effect). He asked that ,if i needed any help he could get his “wetback boyfriend” to come do some work. Umm…okay. That’s when I started to realize that this living arrangement was not on equal ground to , say, what happened when my girlfriend moved in. Pretty sure the the young madonna dancer didn’t get to do any redecorating. These two were not taking trips to Ikea together . They were not as much a couple as they were an agreement This living situation was dependent on two things.
1)That young Madonna stays downstairs
2)Sexual favors are exchanged.
In fact, it’s safe to say it’s an open relationship. How do I know? Probably by the constant flood of loud gay latino men , who spend various nights hooting and hollering next door. Inevitably, the hooting and hollering will simmer down and all of a sudden, thinks get a little more greek up in there.
Listen. Couples have sex. It’s natural. I know this. Also, non-couples have sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these two consenting adults enjoying each others company in a romantic manner. I just sorta wish I didn’t have to hear it. As it all takes place on the other side of my bedroom wall, I’m party to a pretty consistent and unsettling sex life between a man in his mid 60′s and his little “wetback boyfriend”. At any given moment , on any given day, I will hear the sounds of love being made. This love, however, has it’s own very particular sounds. Deep guttural moans, slapping (not sure if that’s hands or thighs colliding or both), and a soft latino whimper of “aye. Aye. AYE!!!”. Occasionally, it will simply be a head session and then I get to hear what it sounds like when a dude with a thick brooklyn accent gets orally pleased. Guess what? it sounds exactly what you might think it sounds like: UNNERVING. Unlike the music, I really can’t complain about this. It’s none of my business and it’s what couples do. But…goddamn…that shit is ROUGH to have to try to sleep though.

I recently have started combating all this noise with noise of my own. In classic passive aggressive white guy style, I’ve taken to blasting loud gangster rap right back whenever this dudes music starts blasting and , you know what? It works. No clue why but it seems whenever my music goes on, his goes off. Who knew? So, as the summer approaches and I prepare for whatever that may have in store for my neighbor and his many different sounds, things are actually looking up. Who knows? Perhaps by august they’ll be tired of fucking each other like most old couples and life will go back to normal. One can only dream…

Answers for questions Vol. 131

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Blockhead

What up ladies and gentleman? Now that your heart has been eviscerated by the photo above, you’re ready.
Back again with another mystical magical trip through the minds of my readers and the burning questions they have for me.
Side note: I was sick again last week. This past year has been full of colds and flus for me, as it seems I have the immune system of a premature baby. Whatever it is, it fucking sucks and I’d like it to stop.
Anyway, if you have any questions you’d like to ask me, shoot them my way. Either email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m an open book. Just don’t ask boring questions. That’s my only rule.
Okay…let’s get into it.

Has any man ever confessed to loving you, in that way? I mean someone in your life… not on the internet (totally guilty here), so…

Can’t say that’s happened. I’ve been hit on by guys numerous times but never has it gotten to the point where someone I knew well decided they wanted to test those waters. I think that , doing that, comes with confusion and a glimmer of light in the eyes of the suitor. I’ve had plenty of gay friends over the years but I have a feeling I’ve never really put out that vibe of someone who may or may not be gay. That , or they get to know me and think I’m disgusting. Both are highly possible.
There was this one guy who used to hang around my friends and I when we were in our early 20′s. He was an older gay dude who used to date Roger Maplethorpe (famous gay photographer). Anyway, this dude would get drunk and hang on occasion. At the end of most nights, once properly sloshed, he’s inevitably try and take one of my straight male friends home with him. While some would follow him via cocaine bait, 95% of the time, people would just roll there eyes and that would be that. I should add that, as far as I know, the people who did follow him home to do coke never hooked up with him. They’d just blow lines at his crib and he’d put on porn (i guess that’s how you bag a straight dude?) but nothing would come of it. Though, I wouldn’t be shocked if he got a sneaky blow job off once or twice but that’s a whole different discussion.
Anyway, that dude hit on EVERYONE. Everyone, except me. In a way, I was kinda offended cause, you know, I was a handsome , fresh faced young man. Surely a drunk gay dude would have me?! I mean, he tried to fuck the full spectrum of my male friends to no avail and never even bothered with me. I mean, I appreciated it but I did always find myself thinking “Man, if I can’t get hit on by a drunk gay dude, what chance do I have with girls??” One time, I asked him why and he said “Cause you’re obviously not gay. You friends are all half a fag as far as I’m concerned”. Well…ok. Peace to that dude though. He was hilarious.

do you have any kind of neuroses, we should know about? (e.g. arachnophobia, acrophobia or washing your hands thirty times a day)
what is your attitude towards life in general, do you think you are a more positive or negative person?

Hmm…I feel like I’m slightly O.C.D. but nothing that anyone would ever notice without knowing me VERY VERY well. Though, partially, I think that comes from me not having a normal job and trying to create a schedule for myself. Like I have a definite set pattern of how I like to do things from when I wake up to when I eat my lunch that, if disrupted, annoys the shit out of me. But, I don’t know if I’d call that a “neuroses” though.
As for my attitude towards life, I’d like to think I’m extremely rational and never too high or too low. In fact, I’ve been called a robot , in that sense, by many people. I simply don’t get too angry or too happy about anything. I’d call that being even keeled , another may call it being “emotionally dead inside”. Apples and oranges.
I’m definitively not an optimist but I also don’t sit around thinking of all the bad things that could happen. I more just expect mediocracy at all times. That way, I’m never to disappointed when things go poorly but I get a pleasant surprise every now and then when things go well. I’d say it’s this mind set that has kept me in the field I’ve been in for as long as I’ve been in it. Side note to budding artists of all types: Prepare for constant disappointment. If you can’t handle that shit,
this is not the business for you.

How do you feel about The Birdman being on the heat? It seems like people that go by “The Birdman” just flock to that team.
First off, NEVER FORGET:

I fucking love the Birdman so it was kind of a bummer to see him join the Heat. But, at the same time, I can’t really fault the guy for going to where he’s gonna win a title. He’s played in the league long enough and been through enough shit that he can do that. In a way, considering how money driven everyone is now, there’s part of me that kinda likes when players take pay cuts to play with a team. Granted, it’s flagrantly hunting down championship rings. All that said, the Knicks could really use that motherfucker right now…

you are chosen to equip an unmanned spacecraft, that will be sent out to inform extraterrestrials about life on earth. which three objects would you choose
to describe mankind? which song would you choose?

First off, the song would have to be the theme from “Close encounters”, right?

Simply cause that would be hilarious to actually do. And I’m not about to be the asshole that picks some shit like “Thriller” or “Let’s get it started in here” to greet a bunch of aliens who probably makes music with crazy tubed instruments that are seemingly always wet (that’s just how I imagine alien instruments)
As for the three object, that’s tough. If we’re trying to teach them about life on earth as it is now, I guess you’d send them an I-pad, a 32 oz. soft drink and a gun. That about covers it.

Have you ever been stuck in a shitty situation that you felt there was no way out of? Like after going through your options you came to the conclusion that it was just your lot in life to be miserable indefinitely?

I’ve been on the verge of those situations but I can’t say I’ve ever been in one. To be honest, most of the ones I’ve been in have been related to dealing with girls so, in actuality, they weren’t that big a deal. So, it sounds to me like you’re fucked…but I can say that , 99% of the time, there is a way out of the shit. I think once you accept you gotta crawl through some shit to get out of it, doors will open up. Unless you’re in jail for life, you’ve always got options.

Yo Block, if you had small children of your own that were acting up in a public place like a restaurant or grocery store, how would you discipline them?

Obviously , I’d beat them death right there on the spot. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Nah, I have no idea. I don’t have kids and have never taken care of other peoples kids in my life. I could spew all sorts of ideals of how I’d discipline my children to you but, like i said, I have no idea what I’d do. I’m a fairly passive guy who doesn’t get mad easily but I also have a short fuse for annoyance when it comes to people acting like assholes in public. So, I could imagine my plan of attack would be to simply remove us all from the equation. I don’t mean a group suicide. I mean, literally, get out. My kids are acting up in a restaurant? Pay the bill and bounce. Anything to just lessen the burden on the people around me. Once we’d be out of that situation, then I suppose it would be time to discipline them. But, like I said, this is all theoretical. I have no idea what I’d actually do. Also, kids are the worst.

I was wondering what your opinion on the TV Show ‘Girls’ is? Is it a
programme about self entitled 20 somethings? Or do you think Lena
Dunham is on to something?

I sit somewhere in the middle. I watch it and find it entertaining. I also find it pretty heavily flawed. I actually think this second season was a bit of a regression cause Dunham seemed to be so focused on herself that lots of the better characters fell to the side.
One of the common criticisms of the show is “but I hate all the characters”. To me, that’s why it’s good. These are excellently portrayed entitled , self involved girls in their early 20′s. They’re unlikable cause, in reality, the girls they’re representing suck. So, in that sense, I give Dunham major props for nailing that demographic.
The other major criticism is that Dunham needs to put some clothes on. Again, in the first season, she made her point. I got it. We all got it. This season she seemed hell bent on just grossing people out. Every outfit she chose seemed more and more baffling. Like any insecure girl of her size would EVER wear an entire wardrobe that makes her look like a a wet grocery bag filled with marbles. It was just over the top, in my opinion. I get why she did it/does it but there isn’t a person who watched that show that didn’t turn away from the camera multiple times during each episode cause she felt it necessary to show her already hamburgler like physique in it’s most unflattering form. I respect her want to challenge social norms and all but , this season, she seemed obsessed with it.
i think the show has many good things about it and could be great if she could just find a way to not bring her ego and agendas into it. She’s a talented writer. I imagine she’ll grow up a little with every coming season and that can only be a good thing.

Notes from the road: Euro edition

Posted on April 5, 2013 by Blockhead

So, Last week I did a bunch of shows in europe. As an ignorant american, these trips are always an experience for me. I’m a man of convenience and regiment so going out of the country to mystical far off lands definitely removes me from my comfort zone. While , in the overall scheme of things, this is a positive thing for my life, it’s still fun to keep tabs of my fish out of water experiences. So, this is that. Keep in mind, I’m openly not cultured. I mean, I’m cultured in the sense I grew up in NYC and have seen a lot of shit all over the world but I don’t know anything about anything. College drop out like Whoa. So, take all i say here with a grain of salt and understand it’s coming from a good place…well…at least an honest place.

Teen tours
My trip began with a flight to Germany. These long flights are what they are but you know what kicks them up a notch? being on an 8 hour flight with 50 midwestern teenagers. Holy shit. After this ride, I felt an urge to make an earnest plea to all people my age with no kids to continue to not have kids. Teenagers are the fucking worst. I had on headphones the entire time but it still didn’t stop me from overhearing multiple conversation that would make a fertile man forcefully remove his own testicles. What i did find interesting was to admire the high school caste system at work. The dorks, the jocks, the pretty girls, the art people. That kinda shit is fascinating. If i was a slightly more driven person I’d maybe look into studying that kinda thing but, then again, it means I’d have to be around a bunch of teenagers all the time and fuck all that noise.

German street names
Honestly, a german person telling me a street name might as well be telling me to read japanese. What’s with all the letters? Why does every street in berlin have to be a 2000 point scrabble word waiting to happen? There are only so many “Miester”, “hufffflughen” and “flurgan” suffixed names one can commit to memory. Walking around a German town , i felt very much how native american settlers must have felt in the sense that my whole way of getting around was based on sight. The same way I’d imagine an indian remembering a certain bush or tree as a marker, I was like that with bakeries and Kabab stands.

Euro people know their history
I don’t know shit about history. I took it in high school and immediately forgot about it once the test was taken. It’s clear that, in the US, knowing our history is not a top priority in education. Whether this is simply national apathy or cause our history is so , in actuality, fucked up that they don’t wan’t us to know how all this really came to be, remains to be seen.
In europe though? These people know their shit. not only that, but they talk about it…all the fucking time. Like , at bars. People get drunk and discuss history. Really makes me feel like a half wit when i consider what topics i cover with friends on any given night out. Best believe world war 1 is not on the menu.
I was in Vienna for 3 days and a common point of discussion was “Nobody here like to talk about our past cause there is so much shame about the nazis” but then that’s all we talked about. Being the ignorant person I am, I barely even connected Vienna with Nazi history outside of Hitler being Austrian but, boy did I get my learn on. Then…I forgot it all…cause I’m american and that’s what we do.

Tipping
Everyone knows that , in europe, tipping is minor. 2 euro’s at most for anything. This could be for a 200 euro meal or a drink at a bar. It’s kinda nice actually cause figuring out a tip in the states can be tiresome and it always drains your wallet. That said, that whole thing where europeans come to the states and “don’t know” how to tip is bullshit. I got to europe, I knew the customs were different. But instead of just tipping like an american, I asked people…cause that’s what you do when you’re in a place where you don’t know things. So, if you’re a european and you think that it’s okay to come here and tip 2 bucks on a $100 meal, you’re a piece of shit. Just accept that.

Limp Handshakes
Do children in europe (specifically in places like Germany, Austria and Switzerland) not get taught about firm handshakes? It’s bizarre. On multiple occasions, I’d reach out to shake a dudes hand and feel like someone places a dead fish in my palm. A grip so weak it compels me to squeeze harder. The strange thing is that the girls actually give firmer handshakes then the men. Which leads me to…

Things I heard about men from Vienna
I was talking to this girl from the US who had lived in Vienna for 5 years. She was complaining about single life in austria and how hard it is to find a dude there that isn’t…well..a total pussy. This is fine and all as I’m no stranger to bitter women who can’t find a decent guy. That’s a world wide trend. But she started dropping bombs on Viennese men in particular. The best one of all? Dudes from Vienna sit down to pee. Now, this could obviously be bullshit or simply a slight generalization. But her claim was that the men there are raised by particularly feminist minded mothers. Mothers who teach them “No, you sit down when you pee. Just like me”. While i get that being a taught practice, the fact it continues into adulthood for these guys is both hilarious and wildly depressing. Take a stand guys! literally. Your dicks like a hose for reason. Just remember to put the seat up.

Romanian Airplane food
just a heads up, if you’re on a place , flying to romania, you might wanna eat before hand. Halfway through the flight I was handed a foil plate of old ass cheese, unknown meat products and wilted vegetables as my “lunch”. They also had a “cake”. A “cake” that they somehow managed to fuck up. How do you fuck up cake? It was a simple chocolate cake with frosting but it tasted more like dog food that had been run through a homeless mans lower intestine.

My preconceived notions of who likes and dislikes each other is way off
My girlfriend is Serbian/Bosnian so I’m more aware of the weird beefs between former Yugoslavian countries than I should be. Because of this, when I was in Slovenia, I kinda assumed that even saying the word “serbia” might be a bad move. Well, turns out no one gives a shit. At least no one I spoke to. That kinda surprised me cause , earlier in the week, I had seen news updates about a pending soccer game between Croatia and Serbia that was a riot waiting to happen. They apparently had like 1,500 extra security guards there to keep the peace. Granted, I was nowhere near either of those places but i kinda assumed the other countries might take sides. I mean, if the yankees and red sox can’t get along, imagine how bad a place where legit conflict took place would be But, as far as I could tell, not a fuck is given either way in Slovenia. So, that’s nice.

Europeans who don’t speak fluent english are blunt.
It’s kinda great. The amount of conversations I had with people who were huge fans of mine but still found a way to tell me which of my albums sucked was incredible. I know they don’t mean anything bad by it and I’m never offended but it’s always hilarious. I suppose tact is something you pick up after years and years of perfecting a language. It’s was a constant barrage of well intentioned shots fired for me to endure. But, like I said, i actually kinda like that it’s like that.

Romanian women are surprising
So, I’ve been all over the Us and Europe. I’ve seen most major cities. I’ve been in model filled bars in NYC and clubs in Miami full of nothing but 9′s and 10′s.Montreal, Paris, L.a. ect…However, NO PLACE i’ve ever been had a higher percentage of beautiful women than my show in Cluj, Romania. This blew my mind for many reasons Firstly, I had no idea Romanian women had it like that. For some reason i was imagining uni-browed , middle aged looking house cleaning types with faces littered with hairy moles. No clue where that stereotype came from but , hey, it was there. Secondly, this was at my show. A weird, underground, niche instrumental hip hop artist. If that’s what my show was like, I can’t even fathom what a place where actual hot people go to would be like. Like, what’s the most exclusive high end club in Cluj looking like? I’d imagine It’s enough to make a dude consider just throwing his life away and moving to Romania for a year. The craziest thing about it was the variety. You had the expected beautiful eastern european girls with dark hair, you had hot ass blonde girls and then, outta nowhere you had some Lisa Bonet looking ladies who turned out to be part gypsy. Just fantastic.So, to all single men out there, you might wanna plan a trip. Just saying. I’d say the only downside of it all would be if you’re one of those creeps who only dates asian women. If that’s your bag then you might just wanna avoid most of Eastern Europe all together (russia got some asians though…). Also, you’re a loser creep.

Swiss people with their power outlets and money
For some reason, I forgot that Switzerland not only didn’t use the euro (Swiss francs) but they also have their own plugs for power outlets. This may not seem like a big deal but , considering EVERY other country in europe (aside from the UK) works with the same outlets, it’s mildly infuriating. Like i said earlier, I know nothing about history and I’m sure there is some sort of valid explanation but what gives, Switzerland? You too good for for regular european power outlets? Your power grid is soooooo fucking special you need to complicate things for every person that comes to your country? I mean, the whole “Not using the euro” thing is annoying considering your location but , at least, you’re not the only european country on that “I got my own type of currency” shit. But power outlets? Now you’re just being a dick.

Fuckin’ up the wake up call
This really has nothing to do with europe in particular. It’s a trend I’ve noticed with hotels who offer wake up calls (though it’s happened to me in europe more often). It’s that thing where they don’t give you a fucking wake up call that you asked for. My last night there, I had just done a show in Wil, Switzerland (I haven’t heard of it either , bro). I had to catch a train to Zurich to catch my plane. Basically, i had to be up a 6:45 AM after getting back from the venue at 3. I’m a terrible sleeper and , when it comes to having to wake up for things like this, I tend to opt for the allnighter simply because trying to fall asleep for an hour gives me anxiety. So, I told them to give me the wake up call the prior day. I shut my eyes for a second but never fully fell asleep. 6:45 rolls around and I’m awake. No call. 7 am. No call. I bounce five minutes after that but…jesus…if I had not pulled the allnighter I woulda missed my flight back to the states. They would have truly fucked my shit up. The crazy thing is that’s the third time this has happened to me and each time I eked it out cause I was too nervous to sleep over the possibility of missing a flight. So, my advice to all of you who ever plan on relying on hotel wake up calls…Don’t. Especially in Europe. Placing an order for a wake up call in europe is like asking a waiter to make sure your french fires are “Extra crispy”. He hears you but he’s not listening.

So, yeah, those are all my worthless musings on this trip. All these things aside, I had a great time and shows were awesome. Especially the Eastern Europe dates. I continue to sleep on these places and they continue to blow me away with support and just genuinely good people. So, yeah…hopefully I’ll be out there again real soon. Till then, stand up when you pee. Always.

Blockhead: The Rapper

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Blockhead

Before I ever made a beat, I rapped. Around 7th/8th grade (I was 12 at the time), I started writing little raps. Obviously, they were atrocious but it was something I eventually fell deeply into. As my obsession with rap grew, so did my books of rhymes. In my early teens, I would write page long verses (that’s how I knew the verse was done) on random looseleaf sheets of paper. I had a drawer by my bed filled with these rhymes. None of them meant more to me than the others. They were simply a collection. Around 14, I started hanging out with an older dude (pause) who was an aspiring rapper. He worked at this nearby toy store and he and I would exchange tapes. I’d record Stretch and Bobbito’s radio show and make him dubs while he’d put me on to whatever new albums were hot in the streets. Like I said, he was an aspiring rapper. While I was never particularly good at any facet of rapping, the one thing I could do was write a punchline. That was my style. I was like an overly complicated Lord finesse (in my mind). So, every now and then, I’d write some lines for my older rapping friend. I’d also occasionally give him samples to make beats from before I knew how to make a beat. This thin version of “Ghost Writing” was my introduction into rapping.

For all the rhymes I had written, I hadn’t recorded anything. I had barely practiced the rhymes. It was more of a situation where I’d write the verse and forget about it. When I was 16, that changed as I met a group of dudes who’d I eventually form a “group” with. These were three guys from downtown Manhattan like myself who were also obsessed with hip hop on an embarrassing level. Once I chilled with them and our similar obsessions were established, they told me that they rent studios out and freestyle over live instruments. They all played instruments so they would basically just bring a bass, a guitar and some drums to a studio space and fuck around. The invited me to come rhyme with them and ,from there, we eventually formed a group we called “The Overground”. It was me, Dub-L (he produced the majority of Aesop’s “Music for earthworms”) , Jer (the other half of Party Fun action Committee with me as well as currently “Sir Jarlsberg”) and Niles AKA Mr. Roper (who made the wise choice of quitting this music shit a long time ago). We were four white dorks from downtown manhattan who kinda saw ourselves as a white, east coast Souls of Mischief which, in hindsight, is fucking hilariously bold on our parts. Here’s some caricatures of us from that time drawn by Niles AKA Mr. Roper AKA “And Friend”-

We made our 5 song first demo in my moms basement on a shitty 4 track over terrible homemade beats using the cheapest of synth sounds we could find and Dr. Sample drum machine. It was one of those things that, when we finished it, we were super proud of it. So proud, that upon seeing Bobitto at a bar one night, Dub-L handed out first demo to him with no fear. Here’s the thing though…it was literally some of the worst rap music ever made. Aside from the sloppy tracks, it was a chorus of four horrible voiced white dudes rapping off beat about their dicks. It’s one of those things I can’t even bring myself to listen to this very day. I don’t even have a digital copy of it and I’m glad cause I’d feel like I’d have to post a song up just to give you an idea of how bad it really was. I’ve often just imagined what Bobitto must have thought on the off chance he actually listened to that cassette. Did he share with his friends and laugh endlessly or did he simply just roll his eyes and toss it int he garbage. I hope it was the latter.

That first demo was a learning experience. After the glow of simply recording something wore off, it became clear to us that we needed to improve. We tinkered a bit and stated working on an official album. The title of that album ,”Downtown Bound”, was as corny as it sounds. However, by the time we had done it, we had tightened things up a little. Let’s not front…we still sucked but at least we had improved marginally. Dub-L had taken to making beats on fruity loops and it definitely helped out sonic direction greatly. It also didn’t hurt that we had our Boy Chase Phoenix join us on some tracks. He was a far more polished mc than any of us so I’d like to think he saved a few joints from being completely unlistenable.
In fact, here are some of his demo’s from the mid 90′s…definitely a slept on talent:

http://www.mediafire.com/?jokhgmmhotn

We finished the album and sold it online before the internet (with the help of longtime friend Stinke yameen) really was the internet. At this point it was 96. I forget where we promoted it but i do recall most of our orders coming from the Philippines. No clue about that. Overall, we sold maybe 100 of them. This prospect scares the shit out of me cause that means there are like 100 people out there who could upload this album online. In fact, on the off chance, I googled it and came across this…

It’s actually a fitting example of what we were doing. Rapping for the sake of rapping. Judge it with a grain of salt…after all, this is some mid 90′s shit.
Keep in mind, we did shows regularly. We’d have shows at this spot called “The Spiral” on East Houston Street that, at best, would be attended by like 30 people. Over the years of doing shows, somehow real rappers would often show up and rock with us. Dudes like Percee P and Tess One were fairly regular. Hell, one time, the Souls Of Mischief own Opio was at a show. David Blaine too. All that said, the shows were typically 3 or 4 of us on stage, standing in one spot, simply struggling to remember our verses in front of about 11 people who could care less. Ahh…those were the days.

After that, the group continued making songs but kinda went in different directions. I started making beats and Dub-l got signed to Sm(le records with his group “The controls”. But more than anything, we met Aesop. He might not even realize it but he was really the game changer in why I don’t rap anymore (which is a good thing). He was the first dude I had met who could REALLY rap. He could freestyle, he could write and his flow and voice were on some seriously next level shit. I think his emergence humbled all of us in a way but it was also just exciting to be around a talent like that. Between 97-99, I still rapped but much less than I did before. I started focusing on beats. Jer and I would occasionally make silly songs for fun that would eventually become the foundation for our “Party fun action Committee” album. In fact, as the recording of songs slowed down, we more focused on just freestyling. We’d record those too but through a boombox mic. To this day, those tapes are easily the peak of anything rap related I’ve ever done. They were silly, offensive and we were high as fuck all the time while doing them. I’d never subject a stranger to any of them but they’re the basis of endless inside jokes that still live to this day amongst the people involved.

So, I say all of this as a means to post these songs. There are all old demos featuring yours truly on the mic. Am I proud of them ? God no. But, in a way, this a nice way to silence anyone asking me “Why don’t you rap anymore?”.
Here’s a handfull of songs with some descriptions. All the beats are by me as well so this might give you a funny insight of what some of my earliest beats sounded like.

http://www.mediafire.com/?i9e2tpjl3yneap0

1)Soapbox
This is me at my rappiest. Normally, my songs were all just stupid punchlines and me attempting to flow in ways I was incapable. This was me just “going in” as much as i could. Keep in mind, this was made during the heyday or the shiny suit era. To underground purist assholes like myself, that was a huge issue. I’d imagine this song is a reaction to that whole thing.
Side note, I’ll never understand why I choose this beat as my solo song track. It sucks but, more so than that, it’s not like anything else i used to make back then. I’d just guess that I was listening to a lot of Company Flow and this ws my awful attempt at that.
2)Dutch (With Chase Phoenix)
This is a fun song. We did it in my basement on a whim. It was also the first time I used the “Kartlingdedor” kool keith sample I would eventually use on “Carnivores Unite”. This verse of mine was way more indicative of what I did as a rapper. Sloppily delivered punchlines served in a not-so-serious manner.
3)Chin Music
This one has a story to it. In 1999, I had planned to make a compilation album with various rappers rocking over my beats. I had an aesop song, an illogic song and a slug song. Sadly that’s all I could muster. So, as a last ditch effort to be a rapper, I made a song under a pseudonym “Beetlejuice”. The idea was that I’d throw this on the album and people would be like “who the fuck is that?”. I purposely used a different voice that ended up sounding like a wacker white Rock from Heltah Skeltah. Since the album never happened, I was left with this little mess of a song. One looooooong verse. I still contend this has a few awesome lines in it but the voice change is one of the more embarrassing things I’ve ever recorded.
4)Subtle Touches (Feat. Mr Roper)
This is one of the earliest songs where I rapped over my own beats. This must have been around 95/96. This one is pretty bad on all fronts. Still, that piano loop though…
5)Really Real- Da Dunz (Party fun action Committee Feat. Aesop)
This was made one night at my crib when Jer , aesop and I got inspired to make fun of thug rappers. I forget what spawned it but i do recall us leaving where ever we were to come home a make this song. This was in an era where everyone called each other “Dun” and Queensbridge thuggery was at an all time high. I’d guess it was 97 when we did this one. So, yeah, it’s kind alike a weird mixture of MOP, other screaming thugs and Aesop sounding almost identically to John Forte. This one was 100% a joke that, due to the changing times, may not have held up too well. Oh well. We had fun.

So, yeah, that’s me rapping. Now, please never ask me about it ever again.

Answers for questions vol. 117

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Blockhead

Happy new ye….oh wait. Not yet. Well, perhaps you might read this and it will be 2013 so, have a good one. I hope you’re all making strong resolutions that you plan on keeping for , oh, at least 5 hours after waking up on January 1st. Might I suggest “Stop being an asshole on the internet”. That’s a good one.
Anyway , you got any questions you wanna ask your old friend, me? Well, go for it. Try and keep them interesting and send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR leave them in the comments below.
Happy holidays to all and I’ll see you on the other side.

How do you live? What do you find meaning in? I play video games, eat, and work. I’m disgusted in myself. Do you find that the words of encouragement from others just roll down your back? As if you’re receiving them through a fog? Fuck, man.

I’m not a particularly spiritual man so I don’t exactly go out looking for meaning in things. I just live by the ancient asian proverb “Shit happens”. I’m also not a super hard critic on myself. I’m aware when i fuck up and I’m aware when I do good. But I don’t sit around under a black cloud hating myself or anything like that. I’ve always felt that’s a waste of time but, I realize me saying that is kinda like someone who isn’t an addict saying “Why don’t you just stop shooting heroin?” to a drug addict.

All that aside, this sounds more like a question for your shrink than me and a huge shout out for starting this weeks questions off hilariously. Great…now I’m disgusted in you too! (just kidding, bro. Keep your head up and try not wallow in self pity too much. Food and video games are fun.)

Hey Block,
Seeing as you are in Europe this week, this question is kinda relevant. What is your opinion on hip hop in foreign accents or different languages altogether? I’m an Australian and like a lot of Australian hip hop that is delivered with an Aussie accent, but often wonder what an American would think of it. In other languages, French hip hop sounds pretty cool, but German is pretty horrible. Most of the Asian languages hip hop I have heard is too weird for me to process (Gangnam Style aside of course).

I’ve answered variations of this question a few times but it doesn’t hurt to go back to it. I don’t fuck with non-amercian rappers. I mean, I’ve heard some decent UK mc’s over the years but it’s never been something I go back to. And rap in other languages serves me no purpose as I don’t speak those languages. I like to understand what the rapper is saying (is that not the point of listening to rap?). It has always boggled my mind when people who don’t speak english will listen to american rap. Especially when a fairly verbose rapper like Aceyalone would have a huge fanbase in Japan.I get they like the beats but why on earth would you want to listen to gibberish?
As for Australian accents in rap, it falls into the UK category. I’m sure there are some skilled mc’s out there, I just don’t see myself really giving them too hard a listen. I can barely listen to most american white rappers, let alone ones with a thick accent from the other side of the world.

i gotta question thats serious as cancer! whos your top 3 favorite pornstars? you gotta favorite site? you dont pay for it do you? do you remember porn before the internet? your girl into it? you ever date a girl whos not into it?

Porn talk!
figuring out my top three porn girls is hard cause that kinda thing changes all the time. and my list would be weird cause some of them, just looking at them, aren’t even that beautiful but I’ll be damned if they don’t know how to put on a show. So, some of my honorary favorites are Rachel Starr, Abella Anderson, and shout out to the super old MILF styles of Lisa Ann. She’s literally older than me. That’s staying power.
I don’t pay for porn and I don’t have one site I prefer. I just kinda bounce around to different ones on any given day. I kinda feel bad not paying for porn sometimes cause they’re dealing with a lot of the same shit we musicians are , as far as making money doing your job and no one ever buying it. And it’s worse for them cause I don’t have to blow dudes and take loads on my face at my job.
As for porn before the internet, of course I do. I like to think I’m not a disgusting anal obsessed, overly violent sexual low life because I came up in a time when porn wasn’t THAT readily available. back in the day, we had these things called VHS tapes. Someone would acquire one (either by actually buying it from a store, getting it handed down to you by an older sibling or finding it in a bag on the street). Over time, you’d accumulate a decent amount of these tapes and that’s when you’d trade with your friends. A good porn video tape would make the rounds for years. There are still scenes I clearly remember from that era cause I watched them so many times. Variety was not the spice of life like it is now. If you found a good scene that spoke to you, that would be your girlfriend for however long you had that tape.
My girl isn’t into porn but she also not one of those lunatics that think her man jerking off is like cheating on her. She understands it’s purpose and just sort of ignores it. I’ve never dated a girl who was heavy into porn. I mean, I’ve dated a few that liked it enough but never anyone who liked it as much as any normal dude I know. But that’s fine with me. Ideally, I’d like to keep watching porn as a solo thing.

Detroit themed question.
Do you think Detroit will ever re-live its past splendor? Is it sad to hope so?
+ should dead things stay dead?

Detroit is an ill city. It’s so fucked up that when people from there talk about it, it doesn’t even sound like a real place. I’ve always wondered how real that all was and how much was just sorta “keeping up appearences”. Having been there a few times, I can say it’s certainly no joke. It’s huge, desolate, and full of crime. However, I’ve heard that good things are happening there these days. Lots of those abandoned areas are being bought up and people are actually moving back into the city. The thing about detroit is that it’s got the makings of a great city, it’s just everyone’s broke as fuck and scared to live there. I do see it turning around though. I don’t know when or how but it can only go up from where it’s been. I’d also like to add that, much like people from baltimore , pittsburgh , Philly and some more rugged parts of ohio, people from detroit tend to be pretty fucking cool. There is something about growing up in a run down shithole of a city that not only gives people an edge and deep hometown pride but it also makes some really good people. The term “salt of the earth” gets thrown around a lot but I think it should apply to those type of people, not fat sacks of shit in some suburban Walmart in the middle of North Dakota.

Sup Block, got a question for you:

I know the NYC graff game is pretty crazy, do you know any writers (I don’t expect you to mention names), or have any interaction with that at all? Any thoughts on it even?

I knew all sorts or writers when i was younger. None of them were famous or even good at it but it was impossible not to in the early/mid 90′s in NYC. I never wrote personally cause I’m artistically handicapped but a bunch of my friends did. Writing graf in NYC was a big deal in the 90′s. A lot of the gang activity in NYC was based around graf writers and all the beefs between crews often spawned from someone crossing someone else out. Like most gang violence, I never really got the allure of wanting to fuck someone up over a tag but, hey, I might think differently had I been good at it.
My only real interaction with graffiti was being mistaken for someone who did write and getting punched in the face by a crew of children (a story I’ve told on here before) and getting stepped to by some fucking clown at my school cause I had been writing “Ol’e” on desks as a joke (I thought the idea of a tag with an apostrophe in it was hilarious). This dude wrote “Oli”. I didn’t know that nor care cause, like I said, I wasn’t a writer. It was all jokes to me. So, one day he stepped to me like “Yo, you write “Ol’e” (which made me literally laugh out loud cause hearing that sentence vocalized was amazing). I said “Well, yeah…but on desks at school. It’s a joke.” He responded with “well, Cut that shit out. I write “Oli” and it’s too close to my name…” I gave him the obligatory “okaaaaaaaay guy” and that was the end of my illustrious graffiti writing career.

Answers for questions vol. 113

Posted on December 3, 2012 by Blockhead

Hello everyone. I’m back from a whirlwind trip to europe where I spent two days in europe and two full days traveling to and from the US. Needless to say, I slept a combined 9 hours over the course of 5 days so I’m feeling pretty fucking chipper right now.
Oh, while I got you hear, I just people to know I got some shows coming up. Here’s th run down of those:
12/8- Los Angeles @King Kong Hollywood
12/12- Atlanta @ Terminal west (It’s the Trinumeral fest)
12/13-Fairfield, Conn @ Stageone
12/15- Brooklyn NY @ Paper box
12/21 Austin Texas @ the Parish
You should totes go to these shows if you live anywhere near them.
Anyways, if you got more questions, send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
Okaaaaaaay?
Let’s go…

Do you remember having a favorite teacher in any grade, if so why?

As a person who hated school from 1st grade until I dropped out of college, I never had the best relationships with teachers. Apparently, they’re not a fan of being interrupted constantly , as well as they are not a fan of bullshit excuses for not doing things. My go to excuse? “I don’t understand?”. I learned from a young age that faking stupidity is a great way out of responsibility.
That said, My third grade teacher , whom I only remember as “Ann” was awesome. She let me draw comic books and write insane little stories. I honestly can’t even recall what she looked like or if we actually learned things from her but I do distinctly recall thinking “She’s the best teacher ever…”.

i know either or type questions are an easy way out and everyone always thinks they have a good question but hear me out here.

would you rather have an std that you constantly feel but could fuck w/o worrying about your partner getting it? or have an std you never feel but will transmit to your partners regardless of protection?

I really do hate these kind of questions…but mostly cause they’re so loose on context and would never ever work in a reality.
For instance, what STD is this? Would I be pissing razor blades my entire life? If it’s something I could live with (I suppose like a herpes sore that didn’t hurt that bad) and I knew it would never infect the other person , then I choose that. But if it’s something that’s gonna make my life a living hell, I’d choose the other one and would be forced to only have sex with girls I didn’t like. That way, I could live my life and not feel THAT bad about infecting these girls with the clap. Sounds shitty but you’re the asshole who put me in this situation, question asking guy.

What are your thoughts concerning hip-hop production styles of today compared with the production styles of the early 90′s?

I’d say it’s all a matter of taste. Things nowadays are far less sample driven which, as a dinosaur, I’m not too crazy about. At the same time, some of the things people are doing with synths and effects are pretty awesome. I suppose, nowadays, a lot of comes down to how good a musician the producer is. In my beginnings, we all sampled so being able to play things wasn’t a big deal. It was all based on simply having a good ear and refined taste. This is why I never learned to play an instrument. Now you got three types of producers. Ones who sample, ones who don’t and ones who do a little of both. I think my favorite of the three would be the latter. When done correctly, it creates music that both captures what was good about the old days without sounding mired in being “authentic old skool hip hop”.
The people who don’t sample are really the most divisive cause they are either awesome or the absolute worst. The whole “Ring tone” style of beats is fucking terrible and not even really music in my ears. As easy as sampling is, I’d venture to say making some of these super minimal southern ring tone beats is even easier and way less rewarding. A lot of these motherfuckers think they’re Mozart just cause they can hit two notes on triton.
All in all, much like in the 90′s, there are good and bad producers. things have been expanded on and taken to places that producers in 92 weren’t thinking about , and that’s a good thing. But, still, I’d rather hear some shit from back then than most of the shit that people are making today. But, hey, that’s just me and my old ass ears.

whens the last time you got into a fight? you ever really gotten your assed kicked or kicked some else’s bad? who do you think is the toughest dude in hip-hop? like if they had a BLOOD SPORT tournament who would win?

I’ve never been one to throw hands as I’m both rational and a pussy. I’m good at talking people down and I’m also not at all volatile. I also haven’t really been put in the position where a fight would happen. Maybe it’s cause i was always a big kid (I was 6 foot and 185 when I was 14. Same size now but with about 15 more pounds) but not many people ever started with me. Granted, I didn’t give people reason too but you’d think just by the law of averages someone would kick my ass at some point. I mean, I’ve been sucker punched by crews of kids and robbed before but the straight up like “Yo, let’s shoot the fair one!” type shit? Not since 7th grade. Me and this kid squared off after school within a circle of of kids. I actually didn’t think it was serious and then he punched me in the face while my head was turned. I was shocked. I dunno why I reacted this way but , for some reason, I opted for a kidney shot. I wailed him in the side of his gut and he fell. To be honest, I didn’t even realize a kidney shot was a thing but I suppose I didn’t feel comfortable hitting a dude in the face. I guess I won that as I was still standing but, really, we were both pussies and losers.
As far as getting my ass kicked or kicking ass, nah. Like I said, I’ve been punched in the face but it never really hurt or went beyond that. I’ve Pummeled my older brother (i was always bigger than him) before but that doesn’t really count either.
As for the toughest dude in hip hop, I’d say Freddie Foxxx or Willie D. Both those dudes would fuck most people up quickly.

If you could live in any year in the United States history for a month out of your life, what year would it be, where would it be, and why that year? If you selected 1966, would you go with your smartphone and pretend to be all CIA style, (given that your smartphone would work during that time). Would you be like a Nastradamus type telling tales of the future?

You know, I’m not much for nostalgia or living in a time when shit was worse than it was now. Because of that, I might not go back that far. Maybe I’d go to like the early 90′s/late 80′s and make beats that would change the face of hip hop. Sample with no reservations. Also, wear baggy jeans again and feel good about it. Not gonna lie though, I’d definitely bet money on all sporting events and be a millionaire.

This might’ve been asked already (or may not lead to anything really fruitful), but I haven’t seen it: What’s the oldest woman you’ve ever slept with, and was there anything particularly different about that experience? I hear old people tend to be cutthroat about time and their relationships (word to that one True Life episode).

I actually have never slept with a woman THAT much older than me. The biggest age gap was probably like 4 or 5 years and I did it in my mid 20′s. I didn’t notice anything different about it. In fact, she was kind of a head case which made me realize that just cause someone is older, doesn’t mean they can’t be a huge mess of a person. To be honest, I’ve never been attracted to older women like that. I mean, in my teens and early 20′s a 30 year old was hot but in my mid 30′s now…I’ll be damned if I ever want to bone some 45 year old woman.
It’s kinda like that thing where people will look at someone like Helen Mirren and say “Wow, she looks amazing!” and she does…for her age. That doesn’t mean I’d want my penis anywhere near her. Also, people talk about milfs but I’m older than most MILFS at this point so, to me, they’re basically just girls I went to high school with AKA GIWTHSWILF’s.

Answers for questions vol. 109

Posted on November 5, 2012 by Blockhead

What up everyone. I’m glad last week is over and I hope people are starting to get their lives back together out here on the east coast. Not to sound like an OCD lunatic but last week was the first week since i started this blog where I didn’t post at least 4 times in a week. So, I’m happy that I should be getting back to the regular flow of things once again this week.
As always, I’d love you ask me questions. Be creative. Be fun. Don’t be boring.
Send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. And now, on with the show…

You get to go on an episode of Trading Spaces with a music professional of your choice. It can be literally any rapper, producer, musician, singer, whatever. As is customary on Trading Spaces, you basically get total creative freedom to redecorate their home in however you see fit. You could just be a nice guy and do something cool, but fuck that, you’ve got like 3 days to do whatever you want and there’s a lot of people out there who would be fun to fuck with. For the sake of this stupid question, let’s say they’ve gotta live with it for at least a year.

You can paint their bedroom black, board up their windows and spray paint glow in the dark dicks all over the walls if you want. You can replace their kitchen faucets with dildos. You could be scary as all hell and turn their bathroom into the set of Saw. Whatever you want to do, you get to do it.

That said, it’s a pretty dangerous situation because they also get to redecorate your place and you’ll have to live with it for a year. You might want to play this one defensively. For example, you probably wouldn’t wanna pick Kanye, because though it would be fun to make a fuckery of his pad, he’d most likely just paint floor to ceiling murals of his naked self covered in gold chains and being groped by freaky bird-women all over your apartment, so chose wisely. I feel like DOOM would just get high and glue comic books to everything, which might be kinda cool. Anyway, get creative.

I’m not a man of interior design. I truly don’t care what my house looks like, as long as my necessities are inside it. Prior to my girl moving in, my living situation has been one of an organized mess. It wasn’t like I was a hoarder or anything but you also probably wouldn’t want to walk into my bathroom with bare feet. Everything was set up out of convenience. It was the most logical house ever, yet it looked like the fucking little rascals clubhouse.
That said, i truly don’t know what I’d do here. As long as the other artist doesn’t fuck with my belongings, he/she could paint my crib bright pink (if i traded spaces with Cam’ron perhaps?)and put dildo’s on the wall and you’d be shocked how long it would take me to change that. My indifference toward this kind of thing if legendary. So I’d probably pick someone who wanted to simply upgrade my shit and not expect much on my end. That person? Beyonce. I would certainly let her upgrade me.

Do all men really cheat? Are there any faithful guys left on this Earth? (I’m by no means disputing the fact that female slut bags cheat as well. But I’m a faithful woman so I’m allowed to ask this question.)

Of course not. Many do, but not all of them by a long shot. The way I see it there are like 5 basic types of men in this respect.
1)Dudes that will always cheat
These are guys who truly don’t give a fuck. It’s not just cause they’re selfish but often, it’s not even a moral question to them. they feel, it’s their duty as men to just fuck whoever they want. The don’t feel guilt and they do it with the reserve of a serial killer. The don’t get caught much either cause they’re comfort in doing it is such that it’s like second nature. These are the guys who have like one ride or die girl who they’re shacked up with (possibly with kids) and like 6 other girls they fuck on the regular. I feel as if any girl who not a delusional moron would be able to see through one of these dudes but you’d be shocked how often they don’t.

2)Dudes that don’t seek it out, but are susceptible to it
These are guys who, in general, are good people but have a few moral chinks in their armor. Dudes who don’t go looking for trouble but have problems turning it down when faced with it. Usually, these are people who are bad at drinking and drunk decision making or guys with little self control in general. They also might be the type to reluctantly get caught up in some office romance that turns into a full blown affair. These are dudes who can be preyed on my aggressive women who don’t give a shit about what they’re relationship status is. These guys are often only as faithful as their options are so be careful.

3)Dudes that will 90% of the time never cheat
These are guys who only go there in extreme circumstances. If they’re relationship is going well, it’s a non-issue and they follow a code. But , if things at home are strained and the right opportunity comes around, the MIGHT make a mistake. Usually a one time thing that they’d end up telling their significant other out of overwhelming guilt. So, on the bright side, they’re human and recognize they’re errors but , at the same time, yo can never be 100% sure of them.

4)Dude who don’t cheat but fantasize about it all the time
These are guys with a clear moral code that go out of their way to stay out of trouble. However, not a day goes by when they don’t think about it. They realize the right and wrong of the situation but the temptation is still there. I liken them to people who quit doing cocaine 15 years ago who still have dreams about it. It’s always looming in the background but these guys have enough self control to keep it under wraps. Instead, they get great pleasure out of harmlessly flirting with girls at social events and then walking away with their tail tucked between their legs.

5)Dudes who wouldn’t even think of such a thing
These are the ride or die dudes who basically just shut down all access to the opposite sex. To them, women that aren’t their significant other are just men with nicer clothes. Their dick is locked down and they don’t care in the least bit. To be honest, I’ve met a few of these types and they’re kinda scary in their dedication. It’s admirable but I can’t help but think they’re kind of crazy or full of shit. But, it turns out, they do actually exist.

Of these five types, I’d say the majority of men fall in the #3-4 range. There are TONS of #1 types (the % of athletes and musicians like that is staggering) and not THAT many #5 types but I’d say most even out. So, yeah, not all men cheat. But lots of them do.

What’s your opinion on polyamory? Do you think that 3 people all being in a relationship with each other can work?

I actually wrote something about this a while back when “big love” was still on:

http://phatfriend.com/2010/01/14/polygamy/

Giving the link to that is the lazy answer but I repeat myself enough on here.

If you could choose to stay any age forever, what age would it be and why?
That’s tough. It depends if it means i would be as dumb as i was back then or I’d age in intelligence but stay the same age physically.
It it’s the former, I’d like to be around 26/27. I was smart enough at that point and started to figure things out. Financially, I wasn’t killing it yet but I was doing okay. I went out all the time, hooked up with tons of girls and had a nice core group of friends who did the same. I’d say that was the most fun era of my life. Not the most productive, but most fun.
If it’s the former, I’d go even younger. If I could be 21 and know all the shit I know now…man…I’d die of syphilis within the first year AND IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick to be your mentor and why?

Hmm..i’ve never been one for Mentors. I’m a terrible student so that quality hasn’t leant itself to me being mentored by anyone. When i was 11/12, there was this toy store I used to frequent and this dude Manny used to work there. I went in there initially to
buy toys and video games but eventually Manny and I bonded over rap music. He was like 19 and knew everything. He was the closest thing to an idol I ever had as he pretty much put me on to all the music I now consider some of my favorite shit ever. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have ever even fell in love with hip hop the way i did. That was as close to a mentor as I ever had. Nowadays I can’t see my 36 year old ass being mentored by anyone unless I took up glass blowing or got a real job…and that’s not happening if I can help it. So, yeah, I got no answer for this one. It’s kinda like the question “What inspires you?”. I really don’t know but i also never think about that kinda stuff.

Have you ever had a girl queef while you were boning her? If so, explain the story and how you felt.

Are you a 14 year old virgin? Of course I have. What adult male hasn’t? More times than I can remember. In fact, I tend to assist in getting the air out if i can feel it there. Queef’s are not a big deal. It’s just air. The fact it makes a fart sound is comical but if you’re an adult with any reasonable amount of sexual experience, you just plow right through it like nothing happened. If you’re still reacting to queef’s in bed you clearly ain’t about that life.

Out of all the places you’ve traveled, what’s your favorite country/city and why?

Well, NYC is my favorite city by far but that’s not the question…we’re talking where I’ve traveled. That’s tough cause , while I’ve traveled all over, it’s rare that I’ve been able to spend that much time in one place. Certainly not enough to have an opinion on it as “the best”. That said, in the states, I’d say San Francisco is my favorite city not named New York. Outside the states, I LOVED Melbourne, Australia. I got to spend 4 days there a long time a go and it was awesome. The vibe, the people and the city in general.
It’s funny that I get to travel and see all these places cause, really, I’m not a very adventurous guy. In fact, I hate traveling. but I’d imagine , had i been given like 5 days at every place I’ve ever been to, I’d like it more. The one thing I know about going places is that it’s often not the place, but who you’re with. I’m sure I could have a great time in the Ozarks if i was with the right people.

The soft “a” is crucial

Posted on October 24, 2012 by Blockhead

As a white dude who is a rap fan, I’ve always had a strange relationship with the word “nigga”. Not to be confused with it’s cousin word with a harder “r” sound ,with whom I’ve had a much more defined relationship with. Obviously, we’ve never been close.
But with “nigga” ,I’ve never been one to use it. It just never felt right coming out of my mouth. Aside from the more obvious social reasons, I don’t speak with a particularly affected twang so to say something like “Yo, nigga, could you please pass me the soy sauce” wouldn’t really make sense or benefit anything. Besides, even if i were to harmlessly indulge in saying it, you never know who you’re going to accidentally offend by doing so. It just never seemed worth it.
That said, over the course of my life it has been a word that I’ve heard with great frequency. Both in music and in life. So i figured it would be fun to look back at some funny moments with that word and how it relates to a fairly normal , yet self aware white dude from a city.

1)The first time I got called a nigga
Blame my bohemian upbringing or being from a melting pot type city but I literally didn’t hear a white person refer to a black person in a derogatory fashion (in person) until I left New York. It wasn’t till I went to school in Boston that i heard someone refer to a black guy as a “nigger” and mean it. It was done in such a matter of fact way I was just kinda speechless. It was also done in that bitch ass , wink wink, nudge nudge kinda way as if to say “Hey, we’re both white here, right?”.
As clearly as i remember that moment with great disdain, I’ll never forget the first time a black guy called me “nigga” with great fondness.
As a young rap white rap fan in the early 90′s, there wasn’t much happening to make us feel good about ourselves (and rightfully so…after all, we were white). The beastie boys and 3rd bass were the beginning and end of it. Not to mention, it was a time period when a good deal of my favorite rap was highly afrocentric/pro-black. Groups like X-Clan, Poor righteous Teachers, King Sun and even the friendly Native tongue crew all wore africa medallions and spoke of things that I , as a white guy, could only examine from outside the bubble. So suffice to say, I looked at these guys with great admiration but also with an understanding that I’d never truly be like them no matter how hard i tried. I’d like to think most white kids my age during that time had that revelation but judging from how most of the kids I went to high school acted, they didn’t figure it out until they were in their twenties.
So, realizing that I could never really be down, i simply didn’t try too hard. I just listened to the music fiendishly and that was that. Still, that want to be accepted never really died.
One day, I was walking down the street with a basketball , on my way to the park to go shoot around. I was passing by west 4th street (which is a highly populated area in greenwich village). Out of the sea of bodies I heard someone saying “ay yo nigga! Yo…Nigga!”. It sounded like it was aimed at me but, obviously, that wouldn’t make much sense so I kept moving.
“Yo, nigga! Yo, white boy with that basketball!” I turned around.
“Lemme see that ball for a second”.
I was kind of in shock. I hope I didn’t but I may have been making a face like someone being picked as a pageant winner. On some “You mean MEEEEE?!?!?!” shit. He was a slightly bummy looking black dude in his early 30′s who was sitting in a fold out beach chair he had placed on the side of the street. Seemed harmless enough so I tossed him the ball. He stood up, dribbled it for 5 seconds and threw it back to me.
“Good looking out, nigga”
and that was that.
I remember walking towards the courts feeling like I was slightly different. Like i had passed a authenticity test or something. In hindsight, I was far from special as I imagine that guy is the type to call inanimate objects nigga but still, at that time, I was on cloud 9.

2)Mcdonalds
I don’t know if this will translate when written out but I’mma give it a shot.
I was about 19 and high as a person could be. My 4 friends and I had smoked a few blunts and were now floating around the city like the walking dead in search for any food we could stuff in our high mouths. We landed at a McDonalds…which was fine as I was 19 and ate that kinda shit like 4 times a week. High as hell, we all lined up and ordered food the only way high people do. Slowly and like complete fucking idiots. The girl behind the counter was a portly Puerto rican lady in her early 20′s who was obviously amused with the looming group of stoned white guys. We were actually chatting her up a bit and , seemingly, made a new friend. As the order came to a close , all our food was bagged up and ready to go when she said “Oh, Yall niggas want sauce?”
Again, we were SO high. As soon as that sentence came out of her mouth we all just kinda looked at each other like “did she really just refer to us as “niggas”?” That same excitement I felt when that dude in the lawn chair had said it to me was palpable in the room. This was followed by 5 stoned people trying to contain laughter while also trying to procure some of that delicious sauce she was offering. We politely accepted and got out of there as soon as possible so we could guffaw hysterically. To this day, any time I go into a McDonalds or am with any of those friends from that night, that sentence still runs through my head.

3) So puerto ricans can say it?
That was the thought i had the first time I heard a Puerto rican dude say “nigga” without flinching. It was in front of black dudes who didn’t flinch as well. I remember thinking “Why do they get a pass”? It’s safe to so that I was pretty young at the time and didn’t understand a lot of things.
That’s how I learned, in many cases, the people who use it aren’t always about race as they are about location. If you’re black and I’m dominican and we grew up in the same hood with the same friends using that word , it’s just gonna become a part of the vernacular. Teenaged me would have tried to rationalize that it’s wrong of them to say it but, really, who gives a shit? I would never want to take that gift away from the likes of Fat Joe and Beatnuts. And I’d say that same privilege extends to white dudes who grew up around minorities who used the word with great frequency. At least, from what I’ve seen it has.

4)The first time I heard a white dude say “Nigga”.

It’s slightly more common now to hear a white guy say that word. At least in certain circles. But 15 years ago, it wasn’t a thing white guys did. And if they did do it, they did it selectively and with an air of discomfort. Like they so desperately want to be down enough to say it but , deep down, in their hearts they know they probably shouldn’t be saying it.
Around 97/98, I met this dude. I don’t wanna say his real name, as we are still buddies, so let’s call him Bob. Upon first glance, Bob was a wigger of Danny Hoch proportions. Like he was a cartoon version of a wigger. Just being in a room with him, I heard him dropping “Nigga” a dozen times over the course of an hour. But he was doing it amongst a very racially mixed crowd with a comfort level I had never seen before. I had just seen him out a few times , as he was friends with some friends of mine but my initial reaction was that he was a clown.
Flash to a few weeks later and we’re actually hanging out. Turns out, he’s not only an intelligent guy but he’s also hilarious and genuinely good person. This blew my mind. He was a little younger than me but hearing a white guy shamelessly say “nigga” without pulling back was some next level shit. I didn’t really agree with it but I couldn’t help but admire his balls (pause).
Now whether you think it’s right or wrong for any white guy to throw that word around is on you. I certainly understand how that could rub all sorts of people the wrong way. But , much like the girl at McDonalds and the guy in the lawn chair, a lot of how we should accept words is in the intention of how they’re used. Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s okay to be offended by this kinda thing but don’t ever become one of those assholes who overlooks context and intent of how words are used. Bob meant no harm. It was just a word that got engrained in his vocabulary. For better or worse.

5)Overhearing people use the word “nigga” is the best Not to be confused with overhearing people use the word” Nigger” which is the worst…

These are a few things I’ve tweeted in the past after just overhearing people say thing literally like 5 feet from the door of my home:
“I love that I can walk 2 steps out of my building & overhear a guy call his friend an “easy bake oven ass nigga”. New York is the best.”

“Just overheard the sentence “yo, but this nigga DR. Phil got next though”. Trying to imagine a context where that statement makes sense.”

6)”Nigga” is anything
There are different levels of the way people use that word. Obviously WHO is using it is very important so let’s just assume, for these examples, I’m referring to non-whites using this word.
To some, it’s only used to get a point across like “You better give me back my game of thrones box set or there’s gonna be trouble, nigga!”
To others, it’s completely off limits.
But to others, it’s as engrained in their vocabulary as the word “Like” is for valley girls. It can be referring to a table “I banged my knee on that nigga the other day and it still hurts”. It can be referring to a female. Anyone who’s seen porn where the dude is calling the girl he’s fucking “nigga” can attest to that. However, my favorite of all is when it’s referring to animals. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a flock of sheep in europe and heard a dude say “look at all those niggas go…”. As offensive as this word can be to some people, to others it simply means anything. But, more directly, it means a person. I’ve been called a “white nigga” more times than I can count and , in all those situations, it wasn’t used negatively or positively. It was simply a description. As in, we’re playing basketball , I’m the only white guy and a guy on the other team tells his teammate to guard “that white nigga”. 16 year old me would be in heaven over the entire exchange but , in reality, it mean nothing. It’s just a word some people use. The only confusion about it, really, is who can and cannot use it. But I suppose that’s just on a person to person basis. But, whatever you do, always remember to never drop it with the hard “R”. I’m looking at you Mitt Romney.

Answers for questions vol. 107

Posted on October 22, 2012 by Blockhead

What up. Welcome to another edition of that thing where i answer that question you have. Will it ever end? I hope not. I need the blog content. Speaking of which, send me more questions. Leave them in the comments below or email me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Don’t be shy. I’m an open book (mostly).
Anyway, here’s this weeks batch. The last one officially wins the award for dumbest question ever. But as there are no bad questions, well done, sir.

A few months back I saw you Tweet with Aesop about a David Blaine experience you had back in the day. It sounded like he kinda freaked you out which is understandable b/c that dude is a fucking weirdo. When I saw your funny David Blaine Facebook post this morning it reminded me to ask what happened when you met him?

Oh. Okay, this was so long ago I was still rapping. So we’re talking like 97ish. My group, The Overground, was playing a show at some now closed shithole venue on Houston St. called “The Spiral”. Our shows would go one of two ways: We’d play for 7 people or we’d play for like 30. The Spiral was tiny enough that 30 seemed like a great night. Regardless of how many people were there, we always sucked and the whole area in front of the stage would be cleared out like a murder scene. Anyway, this one night, we had one of our more well attended shows. My boy Chase Phoenix would rap on a few of our songs so he was usually in attendance. He knew this dude Cassidy who was good friends with an “up and coming magician” named David Blaine. Now, hearing someone being referred to as an “up and coming magician” was as comical as it sounds. None of us had any idea who he was but you can be sure we all thought that concept of a dude who’s blowing up off card tricks was about as cool as that up and coming librarian we had been hearing so much about.
We did the show. It went as well as that crap could have gone I guess. Afterwards, everyone was chilling by the bar getting drunk. And Blaine was walking around the room doing card tricks for people. I was rolling my eyes from afar cause, you know, it’s fucking card tricks. He seemed to be doing really well with them though as people (especially girls) were quite fascinated by this up and coming star of the dark arts.
Eventually, he comes to where I’m sitting with a few people and asks if we wanna see a trick. We all say yes and he began doing tricks to each person who was there. I gotta admit, I was somewhat impressed as they were not the typical “guess my card” bullshit. He got to me and I’m sure my face still read as skeptical. In fact, I distinctly recall sharing a silent moment of him looking at me and vice versa wher ethere’s no way he couldn’t read my expression as anything but “Okay bro, do your little card trick for me”. He handed me an unopened deck of cards (still in the wrapper) and said in his monotone voice “Think of a card…but not the ace of spades. That’s what everyone thinks of…”
So, I thought of something random like the 5 of clubs. He then told me to unwrap the pack and hand it back to him and adamantly told me not to tell anyone what card I was thinking of. Instead, write it down on a piece of napkin and hold onto it myself. I did so , making sure to hide what I was writing from anywhere he could possibly see it. I was definitely trying my hardest to not make his trick go over. I handed him back the pack and he flipped open the cardboard top. He didn’t remove the cards. He just held it open there staring at me with those weird ass raccoon eyes of his. He then flicked the bottom of the card case and one card popped up. Yup. It was my fucking card. The joy he must have felt to see my smug, non-believing ass face change to “Wait a second…get the fuck outta hereeeeeee!”.
Suffice to say, since that day, I’ve been convinced that if Jesus ever came back, he’d probably be a magician.

I really appreciate your point of view and music. That being said, I could use some perspective.
I recently (past two years) just flipped a bitch with my life. I went from studying art and percussion and devoting my free time to everything related, to working for land conservation agencies and studying Wildlife Ecology. I literally have done a 3 mile hike to remove a barbed wire fence from a sensitive ecosystem while wearing chucks. Anyways. It’s safe to say that I love the outdoors and I can kick it out of my tent for pretty long periods of time (5 months being the longest) but all of my artistic ability has suffered. My paradiddles are starting to sound like a person trying to masturbate with a broken hand. Before I was doing pretty well in school, probably because liberal arts papers can be bull shited and lab reports cannot, and now I’m struggling with the first fraction of my semester. I regularly question whether or not I should do what comes natural (reading art blogs, drinking coffee, and playing music) or do what I believe the world needs (also have a guarantee of a salary from the National Parks Service..) Should I just (wo)man-up and do it all?

As a musician, I will tell you that it’s very hard to procure a future making music. Because of that, I will always advise a person to do the other thing. Whatever it is. It could be saving the world or it could be working in an office where you get health insurance. Stability is underrated and hard to come by these days. The thing about art is that it’s always there. If you do it cause you love it, though you may get rusty, you can always pick it up again. Ideally, you could get on a career path and that will open up time for you to do both. So, my advice would be to save the world now and do art later. To be honest, both can be pretty fruitless and frustrating but at least you can make enough money to eat a few meals a day when you’re saving the world.
That’s not a given with art and music. Just ask every waiter you know.

Mister Blockhead
I am a New Zealander.
Apparantly many people believe New Zealand is a place where sheep=automobile, singlet and gumboots=well dressed and grass paddock=nightclub.
My questions: have you ever been to New Zealand? and if you had a choice, would you rather be picked up from Auckland airport and taken to a venue in Downtown Auckland, to perform to a crowd of humans with differing levels of wideness in the eye area, wearing jeans of assorted bagginess, OR ride a sheep to a paddock, to do a show stemming from a multi-box plugged in a cow milking shed, infront of some drunken farmers wearing singlets and gumboots somewhere between Taupo and Turangi?

I have never been to New Zealand. Though I hear it’s very nice there. I have been to Australia though, and I loved it (I know New Zealanders hate when you add that on to this question but I couldn’t resist).
As for the question, the obvious choice is the first one. I don’t think I’ve ever been put in a situation where I’ve been forced to play for local farmhands but I can’t imagine it would go over too well. What kind of music do they even listen to? In my mind, that music involves the sounds of rubberbands being pulled and maybe syncopated pig slaughter.

So I have a question that you have touched on briefly, but it would be great if you could greatly elaborate on the subject. As much as possible anyway. At one point you had mentioned your position on people charging artists to record them, master their tracks, produce beats, etc etc and how you didn’t think anyone had any business charging until either side was making some money at doing so. Well I’ve been trying to get something recorded lately, and have spoken to a few people about it and all of them have basically asked me if I am prepared to pay them for it. I find this hilarious because none of them that I have really inquired about recording me have proper studios, and don’t really have any significant following. Granted they may record themselves and have some DECENT recording, but its not like they are pulling worthwhile crowds or are known to any significant extent. Basically, I want you to go at this subject, if you would. From all the angles: MC’s, Producers, Mixing/Mastering, Studio Time, you name it… I would like you to comment on all of it since you make a living off of music. So are these assholes out of their minds or what? Everyone thinks they are worth money because they have USB mics and some kind of platform to record on, and its time this shit got set straight cause its getting out of hand. Please, let these fuckers know.

Yes, I’m just buying a mic and recording myself but the reason I wanted to get recorded by someone else is it would be nice to cultivate a relationship with someone who’s work I have faith in and work on stuff together but as soon as one of these boobs (yes, I said boob, because I feel like that is more insulting then the overused douche bag) tries to charge me for their unproven skills, I laugh in their fucking face and remind them they are no one special and probably never will be if they are trying to charge people that are on the same level as them, neither of which are making any REAL money yet from music.

Man, that question could have been like one paragraph…people reading this, use this as a “how not to” question. Just make your point and get tot the heart of the matter.
To answer it,
The only reason you shouldn’t have to pay people to do studio work is if they’re your friends. If you’re using them for a service, you pay them for that service. The only exception is using peoples beats. Some producers will just give beats away cause it’s no big deal and it can’t hurt. I think that’s where you misunderstood my initial point. To be clear:
If two people are both equally not famous, I don’t see a point in either of them charging each other for music. Be it the rapper or the producer. Friend of acquaintance. That’s called collaborating. It’s also the most efficient way to get these types of things done. If the producer has a studio and you’re using his beats, i’d say it’s not crazy to expect to do it for free as you’re both involved.
However,
If this is about recording, mixing or any of the laborious aspects of making music, and that person isn’t you’re close buddy (and isn’t involved in the creative process), then you gotta pay. Some people may be cool about not taking money as it’s just experience but you can’t expect that. That said, if they’re just some dude with protools and a mike, it should be pretty fucking cheap.

this is mostly a food related question, or series of questions. i’m from chicago, and we put giardiniera on everything pretty much. i went to philly, and asked for giardiniera on my bmt at subway and they looked at me like i was crazy. or speaking a foreign language, which i guess i was. but no one else in philadelphia knew what i was talking about. so my (first) question is, with nyc being guido as fux, do you have/know what giardiniera is? or is this so called italian topping another chicago ethnic creation like the italian beef or jibaritos. in which case i feel sorry for the world. second question, why the hell would you put saurkraut on a hot dog? ew. or is that just a myth.

First off, Nyc is far from guido as fux. Manhattan, itself, is pretty much devoid of that type in general. Almost all the guido’s you might see here are exported from the outer boroughs , jersey and long island. That said , I’m not italian and don’t know what goes on in that world so there’s a good chance they know what that shit is.
I have never heard of Giardiniera. The fact you were able to spell it right in the question so many times is actually really impressive. I’m sure it delicious though cause you chicago heads are no joke when it comes to making heart stopping yet tasty spin offs of sausage.

As for the saurkraut , some people do that. I don’t…but many other do. But don’t you guys no put ketchep and mustard on your hot dogs? That’s crazy talk right there. That shit is delicious.

Yo Block! Have you ever considered what would you do if you were gay? Please specify two scenarios:
1. still working in music industry: would you make country, dubstep, be in a boysband or something else?
2. non-music industry: would you be hair-stylist, work in fashion industry, sell hot-dogs ot sth else?

Man, not a day goes by when I don’t consider life as a gay man. Think of all the perks!

Seriously though, this may be the dumbest question I’ve ever gotten (I’m not even mad about it though cause i appreciate every question i get). I mean, holy shit dude…have you met a gay person before? They aren’t like a different species of human. Yu might as well have asked me what I’d do if I was a dog for a day.
So, to answer your questions:
1)Because there is no way on earth a gay person could make the kind of music I make,obviously, I’d be in a band that’s music is made up entirely of the sound pounding assholes. It would be a chorus of skin slapping and deep, guttural grunts. Perhaps I’d be the Fred Schneider of the group and just scream little catch phrases in the background.

2) I don’t think I’d work. I’d just sit around thinking of all the hot boys I wanna have sex with. I mean, how do gay people ever work jobs when there are soooooo many hot guys out there? I bet walking down the street is hell for them…boners everywhere. Gays…how do they do it? Because of this, I’d probably stay indoors all day. Maybe knitting or baking tiny cupcakes. If not for any other reason then to quell my deep, dark uncontrollable gay urges.

(I shouldn’t have to clarify that I’m kidding here but you’d be amazed how often people don’t “get” the most obvious shit…Just preempting the “blockhead is a homophobe!” backlash from that one person out there who doesn’t understand how jokes work.)

My trip to europe!!! Tales from the darkside.

Posted on October 4, 2012 by Blockhead

So, as you may know, I was in Europe last week doing some shows. It was the first time I had been touring out there in over 7 years so I was pretty excited about getting back out there. However, what I was not excited about was the brutal jet lag and lack of sleep I’d be getting but, hey, those type of things are all part of this job and it’s better dealing with that once every few months than working in an office.

So, this here is going to be my rehash of the entire trip. Instead of mapping out the entire thing like some mind numbing slide show, I’m just gonna randomly talk about thinks I noticed, as well as a few things that happened. This will not be brief so , if you’re not a fan of words, just stop reading right here.

I’m a huge proponent of bullet points so, let’s roll with that…
Just to run it down:
First I went to Berlin. Then to Budapest, Lithuania, Moscow and St, Petersburg. I had two days in berlin and the rest of the places I was in for half a day each.
I like to preface all that I’m about to write by explaining that I’m admittedly a dumb american. I’m a fish out of water when i go down south so you can imagine me in a place where people are talking a different language. That said, I’ve also traveled more than most people. I’ve been to many , many cites all over the world. So, keep both of those things in mind. I know stuff and I’m always respectful of other places when I’m there but I’m also fairly ignorant and enjoy to make fun of peoples differences.

1)European babies/children are mad european

Before I even boarded the the plane, I saw all these little schnitzel eating mother fuckers running around. It’s funny cause the difference is so subtle yet so clear. While an american baby might be wearing some little t-shirt and sneaker combo, the euro baby will be wearing some swiss miss overalls and a tiny soccer jersey. I wanna say they were wearing wooded shoes but I’d be lying. But let’s just say they might has well have been. Ever heard a german baby speak? It’s fucking weird.

2)Food that has no business being in Germany
While in Berlin I was pretty much stranded. I mean, I could walk around but I didn’t know where the fuck I was or how to get around so I pretty much stayed within a close distance to my hotel. When it came time to eat, it was a hard choice. Eating in foreign countries is weird cause you can’t read the menu’s. So, what you end up doing is looking for places that have pictures on the walls so you can at least make sure you’re not gonna accidentally order dog dick soup in a jizz based creme fresh. The thing about european cuisine (low end cuisine) is that they like what they like. Some shit that is totally normal there may be something your mouth is simply not ready for. I mean, shit, have you seen their potato chips? They got flavors like “Tripe and chocolate”. So, Basically, you end up ordering what seems most familiar simply to be safe. This way of thinking bought me to eating a burrito in germany. How the fuck mexican food found it’s way to germany is beyond me. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a large mexican population ANYWHERE in europe, let alone Berlin. But, i said fuck it and ate there. You know what? It wasn’t terrible. It was better than taco bell but worse than Chipotle.
As for the sushi, I just avoided it. Something about german sushi just doesn’t sit right with me.

3)There is mad graffiti in Europe

It’s crazy how much there is. It’s everywhere and it seems like it never gets taken down. I asked a local about it and they told me that it’s simply too much work to take it all down so they just leave it be. This results in many parts of european cites looking like the background on the video game Double Dragon.

4)No one Jaywalks
Maybe it’s a new york thing but this bugged me out. People literally stood and waited for the lights to change to cross the streets, regardless of car activity. To me, that’s some next level shit. I followed suit though cause the last thing I need to do is get arrested for crossing the street in Germany.

5)Non-lesbian shaved head women everywhere

This is just specific to Germany but I saw tons of bald headed hoes. Not brute dykes or even punk rock nazi looking girls. Just normal , feminine ladies with shaved heads. It wasn’t a good look. I’ve said this before about things like shaved heads on ladies but if you look great with a shaved head, you’ll always look better with hair. Even if you can pull it off doesn’t make it better, it just means you can pull it off. But , hey, that’s the style out there so who am I to say anything.

6)The art of the backhanded compliment
i don’t know what it is about europeans but they are masters of the back handed compliment. Perhaps it’s cause of the language differences and they’re working with limited words but on more than one occasion I came across a dude who would tell me how much he liked my albums EXCEPT that one album he thinks was terrible. While I appreciate the honesty, I also didn’t ask for his opinion. On the other hand, in america, when a dude does that, he annoying presents it as him “being real” as opposed to him being ” a dipshit”.

7) I’m a dipshit
When I’m in a foreign country where everyone is speaking broken english to me, I have this thing where I find myself speaking broken english back to them. Like I’ll say “you come to show tonight, yes?”. It makes no fucking sense but I had to stop myself from doing it repeatedly over the course of the trip.
A similar thing that came up was when a stranger would just start talking to me in the native language and I’d just look at them and say “english”. Looking back, this is kinda rude. I found myself greeting everyone with a “Hello” just to put it out there that “hey, we got an ignorant american over here who hasn’t bothered even learning the most basic aspects of your native language”. I gotta say though, the “hello” worked pretty well.

8)The shit show
So, it’s the third day of our tour and we’re playing in Vilnius, Lithuania. A place I’ve never been to (I had also never heard of it prior to seeing the announced show dates). As we get to sound check, I open my computer. A computer, I might add , that is 100% how I do my live shows. I turn it on and the screen goes white…and stays white. Eventually, a little folder pops up in the middle of the screen with a “?” inside of is. I had never seen this before. I asked around the venue and eventually had a dude on his computer looking into ways to fix this. Nothing was working. The computer was dead. It was coming to a point where a solution had to be invented cause there was no way I was performing my live set that night. My tour buddy, DJ Cam, figured my only choice would be to do a dj set. Now, he was correct. Aside from canceling the next three shows and pissing off a lot of people while trapped in a land far, far away from home, a dj set was my only option. He was using Serato so all I had to do was load in all my albums into his computer and pick what songs to play. but here’s the thing, I’m not a DJ. I’ve “DJ’d” before but it didn’t involved mixing. It was just playing songs. So, I had to make do and “blend” songs the best I could. I did the show and it went as well as I could hope. Luckily , the crowd attending was more there just to party and didn’t really give a shit what I played.
The next day, we flew into Russia. I was told they had an apple store there and had faint hopes of maybe fixing this situation. Well, long story short, it didn’t happen and I had to finish the rest of the dates with a half baked DJ set. To the people who came, my apologies but it was that or nothing. To be honest, the show went over insanely well in Moscow. Like people were cheering and clapping whenever I did anything. I wish every show was like that. The St. Petersburg show was not received quite as well cause, apparently, the Andy Milonokis looking promoter was mad that I had promoted this as a “Live set”. he was also a cock sucker so i don’t really feel bad about it. The fans were great though.
I have since gotten home and it turned out what happened was the wire connecting my hard drive to my computer got fucked up. I went to Tek-Serve and got it fixed in five minutes (shout out to my boy paolo, who has saved my life more than once with the computers). Still, I was a panicky mess for a good 48 hours in a country where I could not have felt more isolated from the world as i know it. No fun.

9)All smiles

Not a lot of smiling going on in the streets of Russia. The people were nice but walking around the streets of Moscow will make you think smiling is a capitol offense. When I asked russians about this they just kinda shrugged and said “Yeah, it’s like that out here.”

10)Fear in Russia
I can’t front, i was a little shook in Russia. Not cause it was dangerous but cause I felt completely helpless there. Aside from not having a phone and also not having a working computer , it’s one of those places that i could see myself just vanishing in. Like, had I gotten separated from the group i was traveling with, you wouldn’t ever hear from me again. It reminded me of the time I was in a small upstate NY town where there was no phone service and everything closed at 8 pm. You break your leg at 8:15 in the forrest, you’re pretty much a dead man. In Russia, while it’s has millions of people everywhere, there’s a distinct feeling of “I don’t know if I belong here”. i’m speaking about just walking around. Like i said, the people were all very nice and it wasn’t a scary place at all (at least, not where I was). But between the language barrier and the fact they use a different alphabet, it was intimidating.

11) And the award for hottest girls goes too…

Lithuania?!?!? Yup. holy shit.
You know how people will often say that some of the hottest women in the world come from eastern europe? It’s for a reason. Not just Lithuania. Russia , in general, was no slouch either. I noticed that they tend to be taller and leaner than you’re typical american hot girl. More Model like. I’m not even really a huge fan of that look but their faces were undeniable. Some were blonde , some looked half asian, some looked like James Bond girlfriends. I didn’t even get to Prague but I’ve been told that’s the jewel of eastern europe. So, yeah, don’t sleep on Baltic broads.

12)Getting hit on in broken english
Even with a language barrier, groupies are universal. I had a few funny situations pop over over the week but , being the good boyfriend that I am, I kept it in my pants. Getting hit on by girls at shows in europe is very different then when it happens in the states. In the states, it’s very overt and almost kinda cheesy. It’s rushed flirting with a lot of dependency on “what are you up to after the show?”. But, if nothing else, it’s very succinct. In europe , however, it’s a whole different ball game. The trouble with speaking english leads the girls to say amazing shit like “I have the strong feelings about you” and they often mis-use the perfect word that would make someone think “Um, i think this girl is deeply in love with me” when , in reality, she just doesn’t know the word for “hook up”. It’s similar to the way europeans give backhanded compliments. It’s all due to the language barrier and a limited vocabulary. Either way, getting hit on in any language is fun but I got a kick out of hearing a russian girl trying to figure out a way to say she was down to get down.

13)Sleep no more/old people are the worst

My last show was in St. Petersburg and I had a 6 am flight that morning after the show. We got back to the hotel around 2 am and I had a cab coming to pick me up to take me to the airport at 3:45 am. So, sleeping wasn’t an option. I had been up since 8 that morning but there really was no choice. I had a 15 hour travel day ahead of me due to taking connecting flights from St, Petersburg to Frankfurt, Germany all the was back to NYC. It was one of those situations where I couldn’t even calculate how much time it would take cause of all the different timezones and the lay over. All I knew was I was leaving at 6 am and arriving back in NY at 11:30 am. Sounds like nothing right? WRONG.
The St. Petersburg airport was a mess. There were like 4 check points and it appeared that all the people on my flight to Frankfurt were a tourist group of american senior citizens. Not just any senior citizens, these were a bunch of back woods southern idiots who were wearing american flag hats and all had on name tags. Little known fact about old people: They don’t know how to do ANYTHING. You should have seen them at the automated check in. It might as well have been the fucking Monolith from “2001: A space odyssey). Every part of boarding a plane was like it just got invented right there. “wait, we get in a line? I don’t understand.”
Think “Lord of Flies” but much slower and with far less violence.
Old people do not give a fuck. I was in line, red eyed and in a general haze. These motherfuckers were just cutting in front of me like I didn’t exist. Old people are nothing if not entitled, especially when out of the united states. I realize you’re supposed to respect your elders but these people had crossed the line of being old into simply being burlap sacks of shit that consume food and air and get their powers from pictures of grand children.
The funniest thing to me about it is that these sheltered fossils , who probably happily live in small towns where Papa johns pizza is considered exotic cuisine, decide to take trip to a place so far out of their comfort zone that they can’t possibly enjoy it. Like how long must they have spent walking around Moscow looking for a place to get some chicken friend steak?
I sat behind them , listening to them complain about their grandkids and their plans for when they get home. It was depressing. Just being around them I realized that there’s a definitive cut off age for when I need to be alive till. And it’s before I become one of those pieces of shit.

Anyway, because I’m a moron, I don’t sleep well on planes and I ended up being awake for about 50 straight hours. I dunno if you’ve deprived yourself of that much sleep without involving meth or cocaine but it’s Preeeeeeety awesome. It’s thursday now and I’m finally starting to feel like a human again. What can i say. I love my job!

I would like to add that, despite the complaining here, I did have a good time. The shows all went well , especially considering what happened to my computer, and it’s always cool to see new places. Hopefully I’ll be making it out the Europe more often…and my computer won’t break. A man can dream.

Phat Friend

Sweeping generalizations and unicorns

Category Archives: story type shit