Things that are wrong with the world vol. 25

A while back I wrote a piece about how creepy I find old virgins. Of course, I was talking about people in their 30’s….little did I know that , somewhere out there, there was a game changing virgin. Meet Pam Shaw. She is a 70 year old virgin. She just recently decided it might be time for her to get into the game and has stepped up her pursuit of finding that mister right. Again, she’s fucking 70.

Sure, looking at this picture may bring to mind the type of gal you’d see at the end of pretty much any dive bar on the planet. That lady who’s there every night getting sloshed on straight bourbon that most regular patrons have regretfully slept with once. But no…she could not be further from that. Truly, you cannot judge a book by it’s cover. Even an old ,out of print book with a wrinkled ass cover.
Now, typically, when someone is a 70 year old virgin they’re either priest, a nun, or the elephant man. In her case, she’s a cabaret dancer. Wait…what? A 70 year old career burlesque dancer being a virgin is like a 70 year old lifelong stripper announcing she’s ready to finally try coke. If you’re anything like me, you’re wondering why. What could possibly be the reason behind her keeping her legs shut all these years. Well, according to her,
1)She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage
Okay…fair enough. On a scale of 1-10, this reason is a solid 8. No one can really argue another persons morals and this is as bulletproof as it gets.
2)She’s been waiting for a tall dark millionaire
Umm…okay. On a scale of 1-10, this reason is about a 4. Call me crazy but, if you’re a lady holding your vagina hostage over the prospect of landing a millionaire (who also happens to be handsome), you’re kind of a piece of shit.
3)She’s been “Too focused” on her career as a cabaret dancer
On a scale of 1-10? NEGATIVE FIVE BILLION. That’s like me not eating for 3 days cause I was too focused on my tweeting.

So, why does this qualify for “things that are wrong with the world”? Well, cause her list and her lifestyle speak of something deeper than just an elderly woman who hasn’t had sex for mostly shallow reasons. To me, this is yet another case of people thinking they’re special when they’re not. More specifically, she thinks her vagina is special. Now, before you get all worked up, let me clarify, she’s obviously entitled to do whatever she wants with her body. If she wants to wait for prince charming to tip drill her on her death bed, that’s fine. But the point is bigger than that. If she was just some religious nut I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. But no, this is the same to me as watching those entitled little assholes on “Sweet Sixteen”. It’s people thinking the deserve more than they do cause they think they’re special. People who that I could tell you that ,without even knowing them, are not only not special. In all likelihood, they’re , at best, painfully average. In a way, Pam’s entitlement was ahead of the time. While it’s the norm now for people to assume just cause they are living , breathing beings that they are automatically owed things, Pam was a trailblazer. She knew, from a young age, that unless the guy was rich , handsome and would put a ring on her, she wasn’t gonna bend. And she didn’t…and there’s a good chance she’ll die with that hymen intact. Well played, Pam.

There’s nothing wrong with setting high expectations for yourself. I’ve got more respect for someone like Pam the virgin for not fucking any guy she’s ever met than I do a dude who literally has no standards and will fuck ANY girl. But to reach 70 without having that epiphany that “hmm…maybe this isn’t that big a deal. Perhaps my happiness is bigger than whether or not I let a man put his penis in my vagina which, by the way, I’ve been told is actually pleasurable for me” is just crazy to me. That’s something you would start , at the least, weighing out in your head in your mid-30’s. I refuse to believe she was “too focused” getting her steps down for the local wolverhampton burlesque troupe theater house to have “time” to find an at least somewhat decent suitor.
I mean, look at her in her prime

She was fairly cute. I don’t doubt tons of dudes were coming at her. But, alas, they probably weren’t rich enough…or handsome enough. Not for Pam, the career burlesque dancer.
Now, I’m running on 100% assumptions here. I can admit that. All i know about her are the facts. And I’m not offended that she’s a virgin simply because she’s a virgin. I’m bothered that it was done with an air of “no one will ever be good enough for me and my sacred vagina”. Perhaps I’m reading into it wrong and she’s just a diehard romantic. But, even if that’s the case, SHE’S 70. Time to readjust those standards a hair.

In a way though, maybe it’s for the best. On one hand, she never had kids. I support that as a means of population control. She’s also never harmed anyone by being a virgin. I think I just take issue with people who figure things out late in life that most people figure out in high school. It will be funny when/if she actually does have sex and has the realization “oh wait, THIS is what I waited for all these years?”. I’m sure her first time will be very special. But I guarantee that by the fifth time she’ll be reevaluating her entire existence.

Things that are wrong with the world part 24

By now, you’re well aware of the newest movement sweeping the world of dead musicians. Holograms. Performing. At Live shows.

Tupac’s pixels rocked Coachella this past weekend and I’m just kinda scratching my head. First off, it’s good to see Pac’s ghost has been hitting the gym. Obviously, whoever designed the hologram was taking multiple weight lifter magazine masturbation breaks. But , hey , good for him. Also, it is nice to see holo-pac sticking with the baggy jeans and tims look. I mean, he could easily thrown on some skinny jeans and a rainbow hoodie but he went classic. I appreciate that. Even if he does look like the weird 45 year olds you see loitering outside of random bodegas in the hood.

Okay, now that that surface stuff is out of the way, let’s get down to the reality of this whole thing. A fucking hologram of a dead rapper…performing. I can’t front. the animation is impressive and whoever made this put in a lot of work.They did a great job. I get the gimmick. I’m sure the people at Coachella were excited. But we realize that this whole thing is like a video game, right? I’m still not sure if that’s a bad or a good thing.
However, my issue here isn’t really that they did it. It’s more that we , as fans and people in general, can’t just let dead people stay dead.

As i’ve said before, famous people die. It’s a fact of life. Anytime one goes, there’s another one right behind him/her waiting to follow suit. It’s funny…THEY’RE JUST LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE, AMIRITE?!?!?! Because this is such a fact of life, I’d think that we, as a race of humans, would have accepted that kind of thing as final. This means, after the person has died, they no longer exist currently. This isn’t to say they shouldn’t be celebrated and remembered fondly. By all means…but , as a living being, they’re no more here than a dodo bird. Every heard the phrase “let sleeping dogs lay”? How bout “Let dead motherfuckers stay dead”?

Now, as a one-off thing, I’m not mad at this hologram pac. It’s cute and whatever. However, I can’t help but think this has just opened pandora’s box of shitty taste and false memories. First it’s pac…Biggie can’t be far behind. Kurt Cobain at Lalapalooza? A grateful dead tour featuring a lifelike Jerry Garcia anime spectacular? When does it end?
Shit, Whitney houston’s body is still warm and I bet the grammies are already planning a “greatest love of all” all duet with Whitney’s pixels and sheryl crow’s life like walking corpse body.

This whole thing brings me back to to when Natalie cole remade “Unforgettable” with her dead dad.

When this dropped, people were both offended and overjoyed. I could be wrong but I think it won like a bazillion grammies. Unlike Posthumous Pac and Biggie records, this was actually received with accolades cause it seemed less like people trying to make a quick buck off of tragedy and more like an earnest thing done within a family.

I’m actually shocked it took THIS long for something like this to happen. Oh wait…IT DID HAPPEN ALREADY.

(Way to go Japan. in a world of creepy shit, you guys consistently raise the bar)

It scares me that technology has reached this point cause, really, who needs real people anymore? Fuck touring. Just get a hologram and project it on a stage. This just opens so many doors that really have no business being opened. This is the type of thing we might look back on in 20 years and be like “Hey man, remember when people made music and they actually performed it in person? LOLZ”

I hope I’m wrong but I have a feeling this will be the first in a long chain of events that leads to the robots taking over. Mark my words. It will be all Tupac’s fault.

Things that are wrong with the world vol. 23

The NBA recently announced this years contestants in the Slam Dunk Competition. While many have long given up on this portion of all Star weekend, I think I’ll always have a place in my heart for it. I’ve seen every one since the early 90’s, for better or worse. Last years was a huge success with the arrival of Blake Griffin, while this years contest consists of more lesser known young talent like Derrick Williams, Imani Shumpert, Paul George and…Chase Budinger. And here’s my problem…
It’s no secret that the NBA is always looking for it’s next big thing. Preferably, that thing be white. David stern knows that middle america goes nuts for a nice all american white boy who can ball. We’ve been Waiting for Larry Bird 2.0 for decades but Dirk Nowitzki is as close as it gets and he’s basically a villain from Schindler’s list.
One way the NBA has always tried to big up the white baller is by trying to highlight him in the Dunk Competition. Sure they could just revel in the three point competition but that would be too easy. Instead, they throw one white guy into the dunk competition every few years cause they can. The problem is that the white guys they’re picking are simply not up to par with the other contestants. They could easily pick 4 black dudes who are all better than that one white guy but they like to throw all the secret racists in the US a bone and let them root for the white dude…or laugh at the white dude, depending on your angle.
Now, I’m not saying these guys are terrible dunkers. Not at all. These guys can dunk quite well. But are the showtime dunkers? No fucking way.
The one year a white dude won (Brent Barry in 1996), not only was it one of the worst dunk comps ever, but his whiteness definitely tipped the scales on a year where anyone could have won it. Other then that, the competition has seen people like Chris “The Birdman” anderson (who I love as a player), who had one of the more embarrassing miss-a-thon’s of all time where he spent what felt like 20 minutes trying to complete a dunk that wouldn’t have been that great in the first place. The video for that is above.
Or All Star Tom Chambers, who’s in-game dunk on marc Jackson is one of the best dunks ever

But still, he wasn’t cut out for a competition of creativity and athleticism.
Or how bout Rex Chapman? Of all these guys listed here, Chapman actually had a little swagger to his dunks. But , again, when pitted against some dudes who could REALLY dunk, he was a non-factor.
I suppose I could throw in Rudy Fernandez cause, even though he’s spanish, he’s still a euro guy to me. To be honest, I didn’t even know he could dunk prior to hearing he was in the contest. It was no surprise when he was quickly bounced from the contest in 2009.

My point in all this is to just stop it. I’m sure a time will come when some freakishly athletic white guy will emerge
(kinda like this

but also with the ability to play in the NBA and not just dunk) but until then, let’s just stop pushing the issue. We get it. White men can jump. It’s cool. Let’s just not be silly about it. Let the best dunkers available dunk. Don’t worry . David Stern, I’m sure some insanely athletic white guy is making his way to the NBA right now..and he will dunk super good for you, bro. Until then, you got Jeremy Lin*. Be easy.

I’d just like to add that I know Budinger is a pretty athletic guy who was in dunk competitions in college. I wish him the best. i really do…but he’s not winning this contest. Cause I’m pretty certain he can’t do this

*not a knock on Lin at all. He’s awesome. But, let’s be honest, if he were black and not playing in NY this would be a much smaller story. Still, GO KNICKS AND GO LIN!!!!

Things that are wrong with the world part 22

Oh America, you are a lazy fucking bitch. And, keep in mind, this is coming to you from an admitted lazy person. Listen, I get it. We love to be comfortable. Nothing wrong with that. But there’s almost a level of hedonism involved in what’s going on here. I suppose this is the natural progression from the snuggie. After all, who needs a blanket with arm holes when you can just throw in the towel of self respect completely and get adult footie pajama’s made to lounge in, not sleep. I see this trend evolving more and someone eventually inventing a sack of warm liquid goo that recreates the feeling of being back inside your mothers stomach. Perfect for lazy monday nights , on the couch watching CSI reruns. Mark my words. This will happen. At first you will be grossed out cause the filling of the sack will look like thick kool aid but , eventually, you will be giving them to your newly married friends as a wedding gift.
Now, on to why this commercial is so great. Here are the things that jumped out at me:

1) The thought that there is, somewhere on this planet, an entire family who wears these things in unison, while watching tv together.
I gotta think there’s a teenaged daughter out there completely unwilling to rock the Forever Lazy with her family. I don’t care it’s it came with a Justin Beiber built in vibrator or in some hot topic incarnation.

2)The guy with his normally clothed friends, watching sports in his Forever Lazy.
When men gather, part of the joy is cracking jokes at the expense of one another. If some dude I was watching a sporting event with wore these fucking Max from where the wild things are pajamas in front of me, I’d be snapping on him till he died. I would no longer listen to anything he said because he was guy who had to wear Forever Lazy during the NBA finals.

3)It’s got a hood. Just in case , you know, you wanna take it outside into public where other people are.
The one aspect of this thing I can sign on to is that it’s something for your time at home. It’s a private thing that is so shameful in it’s bumassed-ness , it has to be relegated to your couch. It’s kinda like eating an entire tub of ice cream by yourself but worse. Them putting a hood on it is like daring you to bring it into the sunlight. Take it to the beach! Take it to the pond! Get the fuck outta here. If you see someone wearing one of these in public, tackle them. Don’t explain why or say anything about it to them. They deserve it.

4)”It will be the talk of your next tailgate”
This isn’t a lie. If by “talk” you mean being called a “Fucking pussy” for the rest of the day, then yes. It is indeed the talk of the tailgate. and really, who doesn’t want to be the talk of the tailgate? I’m pretty sure unless it’s related to BBQ prowess, no one ever wants to be the talk of the tailgate.

5)It’s got a shit flap in the back, in case all those wings and nacho’s you’ve been eating , while laying on your couch, decide they need to make a mass exodus from you butthole.
I’m almost shocked they didn’t make one with a built in diaper cause getting up and shitting seems like an unfair amount of work for the average Forever Lazy wearer. Exactly how filthy would one of those butt flaps be after a years worth of usage? It’s just not a smart design. I mean, it’s the only thing they could do to make it possible but there is a reason why Onesies don’t usually exist beyond when you are 4 years old. Cause even children put on their big people pants and take pisses and shits like grown ups.

6)The plushies must be mad
Plushies are those people who like to cuddle and fuck in furry animal outfits. They’re basically human stuffed animals but with sex involved. This whole “Forever Lazy” thing has a strong plushie vibe to me. It’s already got a dick hole in the front and , basically, if you throw on a bear or dog mask, it’s the same fucking thing. If I were a plushie, I’d be annoyed by this. It’s taking something I love and trying to make it into something everyone will be doing. Well, don’t worry plushies. People wearing these things stopped using their genitals years ago. It’d basically a genital tomb made of really soft fabric.

Listen, as i said, I’m a lazy , sitting on the couch and watching TV kinda guy. But this thing is too much.There comes a time when seeking out the ultimate comfort is simply crossing a line of good taste. That line is crossed when you’re wearing something with a buttflap that a Jawa would rock on a sand dune.

I feel like this kind of thing speaks of a greater problem with americans. We embrace our bumminess like no other country. I’m all for wearing sweat pants around the house on a freezing february morning. There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable. But when you’re desire for comfort of this sort is so dire that you’re willing to trade in all self respect, it’s too much.
Here’s a novel idea, sit on your couch with a warm beverage, curl up and cover you lazy fucking ass with a blanket. Trust me, they work just fine and you don’t have to feel deep shame if a random friend stops by cause you won’t be wearing a full body voleur baby outfit.

Things that are wrong with the world part 21

This post was gonna be about the over sexualization of children. It’s fucking gross, it happens all the time and it seems to be getting worse. But, you know what, we all know that shit. No one is walking around saying “Man, I wish kids were more sexualized. I’m gonna go watch “Toddlers and Tiara’s” and be bummed out.”

Instead, I just want to simply say that how we dress and the music we make has gotten so ridiculous that I can no longer tell what’s actually old and what’s some new retro shit. Now, I know for a fact this video is old cause I remember the “The Puppies” from the early 2000’s, but tell me this couldn’t have come out this week and you wouldn’t question it. If these kids lived in WIlliamsburg, those 12 year old boys would be getting more pussy than Ryan Gosling.

I’m serious when I say the only thing that’s a dead giveaway of those being old is that they’re wearing Jorts. Jorts (Jeans + Shorts) have been fashion AIDS for long enough that even I’m aware of it.But outside of that? These kids are fucking fashion icons for 2011.

I used to have a pair of Hilfiger Jorts back in the mid 90’s. I Loved them. My girl at the time, did not. She hated when I would wear them almost as much as when I would wear a basketball jersey as a shirt. I had this dope Shawn Kemp jersey I borrowed from a friends. On more than one occasion I would wear the two pieces of clothing together , just to test her boundaries. In fact, it would be the time when I was most affectionate with her in public. It drove her nuts but I thought it was hilarious.
Sometimes, I feel like the outlandish fashion sense some people have is based on the same mindset I had when trying to annoying my old girlfriend. Except, instead of a girlfriend, the person wearing the clothes is assaulting all those around them with eyes and taste.

Things that are wrong with the world Vol. 20
(embed isn’t working for some reason, but it’s a video of this lunatic praying in for the end of health reform.)
I realize a large amount of these “things that are wrong with the world” posts are dedicated to crazy religious people. But that’s for a reason…cause they’re are fucking insane and pretty much one of the main things wrong with the world. Now, when it’s just Jethro down at the gas station telling you you’re going to hell for whatever arbitrary sin he chooses, it’s one thing. Jethro is a man with no power who , not ironically, very likely has trouble paying his power bills (god’s working on that one). Sure, he’s a short sighted yokel but his reach doesn’t extend much past the bug zapper on his trailer.
Like many of you, what scares the shit out of me is when people who are equally as crazy as “jethro” somehow find their way into positions of power. The thing is, there’s a huge part of me that feels like the most staunch right wing religious nut doesn’t REALLY believe the bullshit he/she is selling. I mean…come on. These are educated adults who have left their little town and experienced things. The type of things that might give a normal person perspective on the reality of things like , for instance, the bible being a factual book written by god and the rule book to life. They don’t actually believe that you can pray away something like healthcare reform, right? I mean, even a priest will tell you that’s some wacky bullshit.

When I was little kid, before I came to terms with the realization that the bible was just a book , I recall praying for things. Like most kids, they would be self serving. Things like a new toy or a good little league game the following day. That’s what kids do. This is cause kids don’t know anything. Clever as they may be at times, kids are mostly dumb as shit. It’s no fault of their own. They’re kids. They’re not supposed to know any better. But you take a grown ass woman like Michelle Bachmann who may be a future presidential candidate and she’s doing exactly the same thing I did when I was a kid, sitting in bed, clutching my snoopy stuffed animal like a little fucking pussy. It’s truly mind boggling.

So, yeah, if this SNL sketch of a human actually gets close to the White house, I’d personally like to call upon god to strike her down. I don’t care how…Lightening bolt…Hale…perhaps some sort of awesome “Final Destination” type thing where a loose screw results in a laundry line separating her head from her shoulders. Whatever works. Cause, I gotta think, if there was a god, even he would think Michelle Bachmann is a stupid cunt.

Things that are wrong with the world Vol. 19

I tweeted about this a week or so ago but it’s one of those things that just won’t go away. No, Sun Drop soda, is not the issue. I not even fully convinced it exists. But this fucking commercial , for some reason, makes my head explode every time I see it.
It all comes down to how things are made. The process that it took this commercial from being an idea to an actual visual you see on TV is a long and painful one. I think that’s what gets me. How something this completely fucking dumb that misses the target by so many miles, can still make it out the matrix.

Let me put it like this. I’ve had music put in commercials before. More than that, I’ve had music ALMOST put in commercials. 99 times out of 100 these kind of things fall through because in order for a song to be decided on, it has to go through so many layers of opinions and ideas, it’s nearly impossible for it to make it onto the final product. It usually works two ways

1)They pick a song, edit with it and then show it to the ad people (or whoever) and those people want to change it. This goes back a forth a million times and can all depend on one dumb motherfucker who doesn’t like how the hi hat sounds so they scrap the music entirely. Eventually, they all agree of whatever the most popular commercial song is at the moment (think “Holiday , oh, holiday” or “How ya like me knowwwww!” type songs).


2) The second thing that can happen begins in the editing room, where whoever may be editing puts whatever random song he likes into the commercial just as a template. Then, when it’s played for the ad execs, they fall in love with that song and would kill their newborn child to keep it in the commercial. It fits so well to them cause that’s how it was presented to them. The irony to this is that , in most cases, you could put almost any song to any commercial and it will work decently on some level. That’s the beauty of music. It can manipulate how we see things. Anyone who’s listened to music , while watching the animal channel on mute can attest to that (and being high as fuck).

I had a song in a Microsoft Bing ad a few months back. It went back and forth over whether or not they were gonna use it due to time constraints and sample issues. Eventually we worked it out cause they had their mind set on the song the way they had originally edited it. I had sent them slight re-workings of it, re-tweakings, everything. Even how the song for the commercial was sequenced was a huge deal. These dudes were anal on a level you don’t often see. When I finally saw the commercial, I was amazed. Not only was the music super quiet in the background, but it was a complete after thought. It could have been anything. It could have been the sounds of a bee hive or a pan flute solo. Listen, I’m not complaining as that commercial is definitely helping me eat for the foreseeable future but the point is, the process is kinda bullshit and wildly unnecessary.

I say all that to point this out: Somehow, that terribly unfunny, weird looking girl slipped through all these cracks to the point where this commercial got put on TV as it is. I get the idea of it. Her awkwardness was key to the roll. Fine. I can accept that. But she’s simply just so unlikable I can’t imagine anyone would want her to help sell anything. The thing is, the casting process to a commercial is much like the process of picking the music , but a million times more scrutinized. That means, this girl got through audition after audition, doing that stupid fucking dance and making that stupid fucking face. She may have even cultivated that weird hipster meets camp counselor outfit. Each time, ad execs were telling her how great she was, then actually discussing how great they really did think she was amongst each other when she left. There were other girls who did similar dances that almost made it…but no, this girl was THE ONE! See, that shit blows my mind. If I were to try and imagine what the girls who DIDN’T get this role were like, I might have a stroke.
Of course, this is just me. If you read the youtube comments for the above video, they speak a different story. That, in itself, is another thing wrong with the world. The fact that people can watch this and like it SO much they feel a need to comment on it. Who does that? The must have no got the memo that the internet isn’t here for that. Go hard (at shitting on something) or go home.
Also, i bet that soda tastes like piss…judging from the ad, of course.