Emily Ratajkowski will ruin my life

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Blockhead

So, if you read this blog on the regular you may recall that yesterdays entry of “Tim and I discuss music and stuff” and this one are basically about the same thing. Emily Ratajkowski. Well, fuck me cause I’m in love. Not since when my young puberty glazed eyes laid themselves on Bobbi Brown in the Warrant video for “Cherry Pie” have I been so inspired by the art of moving picture.

Sure, looking at it now , Bobbi Brown is your quintessential early 90′s blonde slut type that you’d see in any mall of america. But back then? Gaskets were blown. Doors were closed. tissues were used.
Flash forward to earlier this week and someone emails me this video. (NSFW!!!)
http://www.vevo.com/watch/robin-thicke/blurred-lines-unrated-version/USUV71300526?source=instantsearch
Seeing that it was Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell is was kinda confused as to why anyone would send this to me. I mean, Pharrell is great and T.I. has certainly had some moments but, in general, Thicke has always been somewhat of a whiggerish clown from canada with a really bad fake sensual thug accent. So, i watched the video…and I take it all back. I mean, i still think he’s sorta that dude but now I respect him so, so, so much more.
If you have not seen this video or are at work and cannot watch it (It’s VERY NSFW) , allow me to explain it in depth. It’s Thicke, Pharrell and T.I. standing around while three insanely beautiful women walk around topless. That’s it. I’m sure who ever wrote the treatment for the video had way more details to it but that’s really all it is. Simple. Effective. Perfect.
“But, Tony (or Blockhead),” you may be asking “You are clearly a man whose watched his fair share of porn and seen endless amount of naked women in your lifetime. What makes this at all special?”
Well, one thing makes it special. And her name is Emily Ratajkowski. She the brunette (obviously) She is, by all accounts and research done by me, the hottest women on the planet. I mean, holy shit. I live in world so dulled by over exposure to all things sexual that finding suitable porn to watch is like a fucking lord of the rings installment. Then this little bit of soft core comes a long and fucks my whole world up. To give perspective on how hot she is, there are two other beautiful models in this video with their tops off that I could not give less of a shit about. They are stunning. Two girls I could never bag in a million lifetimes…but it doesn’t matter. They’re unfortunately within an eye shot of Mrs. Ratajkowski so they might as well be livestock. She’s THAT hot.
After watching the video an unhealthy amount of times the last few days, I’ve tried to wrap my hear around it all. It’s pretty simple though. She’s perfect looking. At least for my taste. That’s the easy part. But I’ve seen many girls who I consider perfect looking and none have hit me in the way she does. After much soul searching, I came to the conclusion that my deep lust for her stems from her terrible and dorky dance moves. She is, by any standard, a really bad dancer. Any other girl doing those exact moves would be laughed at like Elaine Benes on Seinfeld but, for her, it works. Magically so. To see a girl that sexy and beautiful look like a dork gives her an air of cuteness that creates a perfect storm. Seeing her bust out those moves, I immediately assumed she was foreign. Between the look, the name and the “I grew up on a third world farm” dance steeze, she was a perfect candidate for a person who might have a thick polish accent. but no, she’s american. At least she’s lived here long enough to where there is no accent. I know…I was shocked too.

Even that video is another testament to her undeniable flyness. Her Co-star, Sara underwood, is no slouch but she looks like a typical midwestern cheesehead when placed next to Ratajkowski. It’s truly humbling…and also extremely depressing.She’s so hot is makes me sad. I’m not alone either. I’ve exchanged emails, tweets and texts with men who share the same “goddamn her!” sentiment. She’s too beautiful.
You , the readers, might not remember this but I once rode hard for Olivia Munn. I thought she was the hottest/coolest girl for a while. Part of her allure was that she seemed approachable on some level. She as quirky and attractive. Ratajkowski is the opposite. While this video proves her to also be at least a little quirky, she’s beyond unapproachable. She might as well have her own solar system or a moat built around her. I feel bad for the men who have to deal with her on a day to day basis. Like what does the guy at the coffee shop she goes to think every time she bats those eyes at him and asks for a diet chia latte with agava essence (or whatever the fuck she probably drinks). He probably has a mini panic attack every time she walks in. I hope, for his sake, he’s gay.
And to think, there is some guy out there who gets to have sex with her who,in all likelihood, is sick of her texting him all the time (After all, in reality, she’s still a girl in her early 20′s AKA the worst). He’s probably some douche bag with no scruples or cares when it comes to “The order of things” who randomly hit on her and she took the bait. He hit the jack pot without even realizing it. Or He might even be a really famous person who , to him, she’s just another girl in his stable. Who knows?
It’s too much for my brain to really deal with. Whatever the case, I just wanna salute her. And apologize to all the girls who read this in utter disgust. Sorry. But, at the same time, if you are fronting on this girl on any level you are a bitter hater of highest order. I’d advise you to just tip your hat to her and keep it moving cause, really, It’s all any of us can do.
Don’t be like this bum ass girl:

Answers for questions vol. 129

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Blockhead

Freshly back from Europe. Feeling like a tired shell of a man but I shall proceed.
Thanks to all the people who came out to all those shows. I had a great time and there is something kinda special about being told “I read your blog!” in somewhat broken english that warms my heart. Not even joking. That shit is awesome.
Anyway, you know the drill. you send me questions, I answer them. If you have a question, feel free to send it my way. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the question in the comments below. Go nuts.
Here are this weeks queries.

Blockhead, you seem to be an expert of all things TV related, so I think I need your advice. I am still rocking a TV from the early 90s. I’m talking about something that was not even top-of-the-line when Super Nintendo was around. The only things I have hooked up to it is a DVD player and an original X-Box. I watch a lot of movies and cable series now, so I really need to step up my TV game. What type of TV should I get? My only requirement, is it has to be something that I could carry myself, if I ever have to move it. I can afford anything that size, so price is sort of not an issue. Should I get LED or Plasma or LCD? What brands do you think are best?

This will blow the minds of the few people who would actually care about this kinda thing but, for all the TV I watch, I’m still rocking an old school boxy ass tv. Granted, it’s a good model and has a large screen but I’ve never owned a led, plasma or lcd tv in my life. To be honest, as great as things look in high definition, it’s really never been that big an issue to me. I can see things fine on my TV. It’s not like I just sit around watching nature specials all day…or porn (what’s what my computer’s for). Sure, HD sports looks better but it’s not like TV’s that aren’t HD are the equivalent to watching TV through a fog. I have plenty of friends with huge, hi-def flat screen Tv’s in their cribs and it simply never looks THAT much better to me. Keep in mind, I’m also epically lazy when it comes to buying new things (I’ve had the same sampler since the mid 90′s) and I probably need glasses but still, I’m the wrong person to ask about this regardless.

I have to ask, what’s the story behind the video for The Music Scene? Trippiest thing on the internet! So just wanted to know how it came about, were you involved in production and what you think of it?

I wish I could tell you some exciting story that adds to the lore of that video but I’m afraid the reality is much more sterile. Ninja Tune emailed me and asked if it would be cool if they commissioned an artist to make an animated video for that song. I said “sure” and totally forgot about it. In the past, I’ve never really given that much of a shit about my videos. Some were okay but I was never hands on in the making of them so they didn’t really resonate with me, as the guy making the music. Because of this, when they asked about the video, I was really didn’t put any thought into it or have high hopes.
Fast forward five months later, I get an email from my manager with a youtube link and “Have you seen this!??!” written above it. That was the first time I saw the video. I had completely forgotten it was in the works and I can honestly say I’ve never been more pleasantly surprised in my life.
I’d like to tell you that the artist and I collaborated and came up with the concept together but nope…it was all him. Outside of him incorporating some of the artwork from “The music Scene” album, he did everything. fucking amazing job though. All I did was make a song and he did the rest.

In the last 6 years I have moved from Columbus to France, back to Columbus. Then to Rochester, NY and I am now in Los Angeles. In 4 months time I am moving to Boston. All of these moves are partially professional and partially because of my relationship. In know you love the NYC.
1) Can you imagine any scenario where you would have to move every year or 18 months?
2) Would you be willing to move across the country on one or more occasions to support your gf?
3) Do you have an opinion of dudes who end up following their girlfriends all over the places or vice-versa?
4) I know it’s been a minute since you lived in Boston. Do you have any 10 to 15 year old advice for somebody heading to that town?

1)Never. Not ever ever ever. I’m tied into NYC by the facts that I own a house here and I don’t know how to drive a car. That latter fact limits me a lot , in terms of places I could function. But I like it that way.
2)I love my girl and this would never happen cause she’s never leaving NYC either but, again, the answer would be no. Partially for the reasons stated in answer #1 but also cause , if that were to happen, it just wouldn’t be meant to be. My life plan is living in NYC.
3)I mean, it’s really something that can only be judged situationally. If you work a profession that allows you to move all over and you don’t mind it, then it’s fine. If you’re constantly leaving a situation you like to appease someone else’s career while you’re floundering, then it’s not okay. Honestly, I wouldn’t wanna date someone who constantly needs to move but, hey , that’s me.
4)It’s been almost 20 years and I hated it back then. I’ve traveled a lot since then and realized, Boston isn’t that bad, it’s just not a “real” city. It’s a cute town. There’s good food there…that’s always nice. I’d say just get used to leaving bars at 1 am and those awful fucking accents. Aside from that, I’m sure it kicks the shit out of Rochester and Columbus, as far as quality of life goes.

What are you’re feelings on tattoos? Do you have any? I feel as if it has become more trendy within the past few years to get them. Also, do you find tattoos on women sexy?

I have no tattoos. I don’t think I’d ever get one. I’m just not that type of guy. I’m a very “take it as it is” kinda person so I’ve never felt the need to add on to my person. I don’t wear jewelry, pierces, watches or cologne. I just don’t need that extra shit. Also, the idea of something permanent on my body doesn’t sit well with me.
When i think to how dumb I was just five years earlier, the idea of the kinda shit i woulda had tatted on myself when i was in my early 20′s is chilling. I’d probably have a fucking Organized Konfusion tattoo on my arm or some shit. Speaking of which, if i can give any young tattoo curious people some sound advice, it would be to avoid all things musical. your taste will not be the same in 10 years. You will regret it. I promise you that.
As for my thoughts on tattoo’s, I dunno. Some are cool. Some are lame. Some people look like they were born to have them other look like they’re trying way too hard. I’d say more people fall into the latter category though. Especially recently as it seems like everyone is getting them. Like huge pussies are getting tattoo’s and that seems like it’s counter productive. The second Justin Beiber got a full sleave, Tattoo’s definitely somewhat jumped the shark.
I don’t think girls with tattoo’s are particularly sexy or unsexy. Depends on the girl. It’s rare I’ll find a tattoo on a girl amplifies her hotness though. If she’s hot, she’s hot. and if she’s plain, no tattoo is gonna make her look that much better to me. I’m not a fan of girls with full sleeves and crazy amount of tats all over though cause it makes me think they have stinky vaginas. I have no science connected to that theory at all, it’s just a vibe i get.

If you take off you’re hat, how much hair is there?
I dunno. I never weighed it. (See what i did there?)

Not to sound like a vinyl nerd but I really cant get behind buying anything but. It’s just so much a better experience having a large format that sounds superior with big artwork to look at. I will buy a CD if that’s the only format avaialble but I will avoid, at all costs, buying a digital only copy. It really me that you are only buying a liscense to play the music. A liscense with all sorts of limits and regualtions attached.Regulations that don’t benefit artists as much as the music providers.

What are your thoughts on people like me? Am I a spoiled music nerd that expects too much? I know vinyl is expensive and no one wants to be stuck with crates of unused merchandise but is it too much to ask for a least some limited release wax? Does it make me an entitled asshole to want something more than a limited license to download and transfer music in exchange for my hard earned money. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on music over the years and I will spend thousands more but I will not pay for a download.

I mean, yeah, you’re a bit of a spoiled music nerd with unrealistic ideals for music in 2013. That said, it’s not a bad thing to take music seriously and enjoy it in a fashion that generation before you used to. One of my biggest gripes with how music is consumed nowadays is that it’s all so fleeting. The days of taking an album home from the store, opening it, looking at the art work, and playing it while you read the liner notes are long gone and that’s unfortunate. I certainly felt closer to the albums and the artists due to that process and I feel it does make for a better feeling of the music in general.
So, I get it. It’s admirable to be that guy in 2013 , while most people’s idea of listening to an album is skimming the first 30 seconds of each song on spotify. But I think the problem with it is you can’t expect everyone (or anyone really) to feel the same way. So, basically, it’s cool that you do that and feel strongly about it but you also must understand that most artists don’t press vinyl for a reason…cause they lose money. I’ve noticed a shift in that lately , which is good, but it still doesn’t mean most artists are going to be doing vinyl runs of their albums. Also as a person who pretty much only listens to music via my IPOD, mp3′s can be your friends. You’re taking too strong a stance against something that isn’t harming anyone. After all, if you genuinely like music, who cares what form it comes in , as long as you can appreciate the music itself.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 23

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Blockhead

The Doctor is in! It’s been a few weeks and a few of you need some much needed and wildly inappropriate advice. As always, I’m not a doctor but i do play one when I write this blog (currently, in my bed, under my covers, wearing nothing but boxer briefs in a room illuminated only by my computer screen). If you have love issues, relationship woes, or basic questions of the heart, I’m your guy!
Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail or leave them in the comments below. I’m here to help. I swear. I may be a little snarky but I won’t bullshit you. No matter how stupid your problems are.
Anyway, on with the main course.

I’ve been friends with this chick for years now, and she is an absolute freak. We got real drunk one night and after discussing ‘where we stood’ (i.e. strictly just friends), we fucked. I slept with her a few more times and we had a sweet deal. I could call her at anytime and she’d be down to fuck. But after that but a few months later she started dating this other dude. They’ve been dating for a little over a year now and she admitted to me the other week that she hasn’t climaxed since she had slept with me. She has also told me she has had dreams about fucking me then going back to her boyfriend and everything working out perfectly. On top of all this she has this habit of sending me text messages with obvious sexual undertones. My confusion is, I know what shes like with the dudes she dates, and although she seems like a complete slut she has never cheated on any of her boyfriends and has had many opportunities to do so (especially while intoxicated). My question is, what the fuck do you think she is trying to achieve and should I make a move on her? I get that she is really sexually frustrated but I always seem to be the first to know about it.. is she down to fuck again or is she just playing games?

There are two questions here: “What kind of person are you?” and “Is she trying to fuck again?”.
I’ll start with the latter. I can’t say for sure she’s trying to fuck. At least not flagrantly. If she wanted to, she would have. Once the seal is broen repeatedly with sexual partners, it’s never hard to open the bottle again. However, I don’t discount the idea that she’s teetering between the ideas of cheating with you and staying faithful. She could very well be putting these vibes out there as bait, hoping you’ll make the first move so she’ll feel less guilty about the whole thing. It’s either that, or she’s just being flirty and people in relationships love complaining about their relationships.
That leads us to the original question “What kind of person are you?”.
Do you give a shit about her relationship/boyfriend? Do you give a shit about the concept of interfering in other peoples lives on that level? I’m not asking these sarcastically. Plenty of people do not give a shit. While it’s certainly a selfish way of being , it’s also one of those “That’s their problem” kinda dilemmas. I’m assuming you and her man are not buddies. You are her friend. So your loyalty lies 100% with her. So, technically, you could bone her , which would lead to her eventual break up with her man and that would be that. Basically, all this depends on what kinda guy you are. The kind who would do that kinda thing, or a guy who does not.
If you are a guy who would do that kinda thing (no judgement coming from here, btw) just prepare for all the consequences that could come from it. Whether that be her BF’s fists in your face, the girl admitting she has strong feelings for you or a myriad of other shitty things you probably want nothing to do with. Just know you’d be opening yourself up for all that just so you could bust a nut in someone who you’ve already fucked a bunch of times. I dunno , bro. It’s really on you.

Hey tony,

So basically I’ve just moved over seas with my girlfriend and I’m living with her and her family. Now there’s absolutely no complaints with anything because I’m employed by her dad to look after her autistic brother which includes, taking him to the gym/pool/spa/sauna, going into the city to have lunch then just do whatever, I get free rent and food and have my own granny flat and get 200 pounds a week ontop of this. Now here’s the part where I sound like a selfish prick. Under the house there’s a massive, but fucking creepy, basement that isn’t used. It hasn’t been used in a good 40 years and upon seeing this I have an urge to grow some marijuana. When I say this I just want to grow a single plant then be done with it, probably won’t even smoke it, just have a desire to do it.

Should I even think about this? Like is it just being disrespectful to my beautiful girlfriend and her family and what they’ve given me. Because I know I wouldn’t get caught, cause well yeh you just have to see the place, but morally I’m not sure how I should feel.

I don’t see the point. You don’t wanna smoke it so basically you’d be doing it just to prove to yourself you can do it? That’s pretty retarded. Not to mention, doesn’t pot need sun to grow? So , you’d be buying tons of hydroponic equipment just to grow a single plant of weed? Come on bro…You’re in a good situation. If you were a former drug lord with a gambling problem or a complete pothead I’d understand at least why this was something you’d want to do but , as it stands, you just seems like a normal dude. The risk/reward doesn’t even begin to match up. My advice: if you’re so set on making that basement into something, every man needs a masturbation dungeon. Well, not really but it sounds pretty intense. Look into that.

Last year I became involved with this guy, I liked him, he liked me and we rushed things and became “bf & gf”. He was too much and swore he loved me after a couple of days which made me feel uncomfortable. From my perspective it was a crush but from his it was “love”. (we hadn’t even kissed or held hands) It felt too weird for me, kinda scared me off so I broke up with him after a week. After that he’d text me all day, non-stop, call me, just trying to get a hold of me. I got extremely annoyed with him, eventually ended up telling him off. Things got ugly, I said some really mean stuff. He left me alone for a while. A few months later we started talking again. We’d hang out and just talk. After some time I eventually I ended up kissing him. (that’s all we ever did). Things were cool but everytime we talked, he’d always bring up our one week “relationship” and ask why I broke up with him, why I lead him on.. Which I did. I’ll admit that. I fucked up. I know. Eventually we stopped talking again. He’d always call, text. I ignored it for a while. I don’t know why but I would always try to be nice and try to maintain a friendship with him. And that always ended up with him bringing up the past, and me telling him off. I stopped talking to him for a good while. I had not spoken to him in over a year, and he called me today. He called like 10 times. I eventually answered. We spoke for about an hour and as always he brings up the past. The conversation got really weird and awkward. He told me he still loves me and that he’s never going to forget me. In my head I was like (here we go again).. He asked me if I had feelings for him, I said no and he hung up. Then he called me back like 4/5 times. I didn’t answer. So I wrote this. So Blockhead what the fuck do I do? I don’t have feelings for him. I’ve ignored him but somehow always give in and try to be nice…always try to keep it cool with him cause I feel guilty for leading him on but that never ends well. Help me Blockhead!

Print this letter out so when the police find your dismembered body, they’ll know exactly who did it.
This dude is not well. Anyone who rushes into “love” like that has serious problems. Sure, they could be small things like insecurity and abandonment issues from that past but they could also speak of much darker psychological problems that you want no part of. Like I always remind people, I’m not a real doctor. I’m a college dropout. But even I know when you’re dealing with someone who is clearly unstable.
From the sound of things, he’s delusional, doesn’t let anything go and it extremely impulsive. Whenever someone is prone to calling people over and over and over and over, that’s them being a fucking crazy person. I did that once when i was in a dark place with this girl and I remember , when the night ended I stopped myself and thought “Holy shit…you were just that ‘calling all day’ guy!” and I never did it again. The fact that it seems like this is repeated behavior by this guy is telling of his mental state.
Luckily for you, it sounds as he’s not really a danger to you.So that’s good. No restraining order needed quite yet. He may be a danger to himself but I really don’t know him (at all) to honestly be speculating that. All I do know is that you need to never pick up his phone calls again. He’ll eventually go away. The fact this is all happening without sex being involved is even crazier. You must be a really amazing person…or he’s a total lunatic. So, good luck with all that.

Would you say that a guy who sometimes seems a little vacant , as in not very engaged in the present moment or seemingly indifferent to his girls presence, and would rather go sleep at his (dirty) house all the time instead of staying at his girlfriends house whom he says he loves.. is normal? Or do guys say they love a girl when they’re really not that into her or getting tired of her? Or is it normal for a guy to act vacant and indifferent when he really loves her?

There are different levels of indifferent. As a guy who has been called that my entire life by women, I can attest to that. The sleeping at home thing might just be a comfort thing. He likes his own bed. He wants to fart all night. He wants privacy. Also, how often is this happening? Do you try to spend every night with him or is he simply trying to retain some privacy/independence a few nights a week?
The tricky thing about gauging indifference is that , for some dudes, it’s not a natural way of being. Sometimes it means they really are disinterested in the girl they’re with. Other times it means they’re fucking someone else. However, to the real indifferent motherfuckers, that just a way of being. They (we) simply are not as invested in being emotional about things. That doesn’t mean they don’t care and don’t love you, it just means it doesn’t overwhelm them. Not even close.
IS it possible you’re clingier than you realize and it’s making him wanna be alone sometimes? You wouldn’t be the first clingy girlfriend.
On a side note, discussing how men use the power of saying “I love you”, you can only put so much weight into that. After a while of saying that phrase, it begins to lose meaning. Men are certainly not above just saying it to make the girl happy. Often, it will save him from having a annoying emotional conversation he doesn’t feel like having. So, if you’re basing any of this of the fact he has , at some point, told you he loved you, stop that. This needs to be approached more at face value. Is he not into you? Is he cheating? or is emotionless drone just his personality?
Figure that out, with the whole “I love you” angle removed, and you will see what you’re working with.

Answers for questions vol. 128

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Blockhead

Hello Everyone. I’m writing this from a bed in Vienna right now. It’s who they fuck knows O’clock right now in the US as i tend to lose track of time when ever I’m overseas. Anyway, being the reliable man I am, I’m not gonna let a little week long tour in europe stop the me from writing my stupid fucking blog. I may miss a day this week…Or not. Really depends on the internet connections in Slovakia, Slovenia and Romania. But, for today, I come with the regularly scheduled program of answers for questions. As always, if you’d like to ask me anything, I’m an open book. Leave questions in the comment section or email them to me at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Both those methods work perfectly.
Anyway, I’m gearing up for a full day of eating great viennese food (schnitzel and sausage like WOAH) so here are todays answers for questions….

I understand the correlation between the title of your blog and the header picture but is there an interesting story behind why you chose the title ‘Phatfriend’ besides just liking the picture so much?

The picture came waaaaaaay after the blog name. I had been sitting on the name for a while. I just always liked the idea of taking the term “fat friend” and rappifying it. Initially, I thought “Phat friend” would be a great band name or even just a song title but it was too silly for anything I’d ever put out (which is saying a lot considering the silly ass song titles I’ve chosen in the past). When I decided to make this blog, it was a no brainer for me. This blog is mostly me being stupid and the tagline “Sweeping generalizations and unicorns” was too long for a blog name. So, it would only be right for me to have a name that sets the stage for something a little more light hearted than someone who only knows me through my music might expect. Cause , after all, I am your Phat friend. Then I found the picture through a random google search and it was like the star aligning. Shit was magical and musical, dun.

from what I gather a large part of the artists you have worked with you’ve formed a personal relationship with beforehand. Has there been anyone in your career you didn’t know before giving them a beat, and possibly even excited to work with before you became good friends?

It’s rare that I’ve worked with anyone out of the blue. In most cases, it’s been people I knew fairly well or people I sought out to work with. Cage is probably the only guy I worked with who I was a fan first. I was a huge Cage fan from the 90′s so when I got to do some beats on “Hell’s winter”, that was pretty exciting.
On the other side of things, both Lo deck and despot approached me for beats and I had no idea who they were. But, after meeting them and seeing what they were about, I ended up working with both of them a decent amount and becoming friends with them. That kinda thing is way more likely than me working with some super star who all of a sudden becomes my close buddy.

Say one day you woke up, felt like you needed a break from your surroundings, home, family, friends and you just decide to run off to another place, hitchhiking kind of.. What would be some things you’d take with you?

Honestly, my laptop and my iPod. Well…and my clothes. I’d hate to be one of those hobo motherfuckers who stinks all the time and wears the same frayed up pants for a year straight.
That said, I wouldn’t ever do some shit like that. It’s way out of character for me as I’m not a person who’s typically overwhelmed or emo about anything. Also, I love my amenities. Skipping town to live the life of drifter, for me, would become basically a hopscotch from starbucks to starbucks to find a good wireless connections. Fuck that shit.

given the age you are (and I am right behind you so not an insult) whenever you and your girl go to family functions do you get hounded about getting married and having kids?

Shockingly no. My mom will make little comments here and there but she’s not one for pressuring me over shit like that (even though i know, deep down, she wants a grandchild immediately). My girls parents , I’d guess, are maybe more antsy about it (I honestly wouldn’t know, I don’t speak to them like that) but they’ve never said anything to me about it. Luckily for me, my girl has an older brother who has a fairly new kid so that most likely took some heat off of me.
I’m at a weird age where I either should have a kid or I should be gearing up towards a kid but, to be honest, I can’t say I’m exactly dying to do that right now. I enjoy my freedom too much and my job involves tons of traveling. A kid would certainly change that. Also, babies , when they’re not being cute, are kind of disgusting.

I’ve noticed lately (on twitter) that a lot of guys talk about girls with “daddy issues” Things like “if you have daddy issues hit me up” stuff like that along the line.. What do they mean by that? What is about girls with daddy issues that’s attractive? Or even a good thing? Have you had any experiences with girls like that?

Fitting follow up to the previous question.
Umm…daddy issues are everywhere. They can range anywhere from a girl who’s too obsessed with her dad to a girl who hates her dad to a girl who was abandoned by her dad to a girl who had sex with her dad. Basically, anything that may occur between a father and daughter that eventually results in the girl acting a certain way (either negatively or sexually). Like, I’d say most porn stars most likely have daddy issues. I’m not a doctor and have done no research on that, but that’s an assumption I’m willing to stand by.
The fact of the matter is that most girls do have daddy issues in some way. How could they not? Surely their dads have played a significant roll in their lives. I bet most guys have mommy issues as well. But , typically, when someone is being referred to as a person with “Daddy issues” they usually just me “oh, she’s crazy” or “oh, she’s a slut”.
Why do some men find this attractive? Perhaps cause a lot of guys are deeply into crazy sluts. A lot of those types of girls are willing to do some crazy shit sexually or they’re lunacy is attractive to guys who like trouble. I find guys who specifically go after girls like this to be kinda low lives….It’s seeking out damaged goods so you can take advantage of them.
Have I experienced girls like this? Of course. Any guy who has been single and sexually active for any amount of time has. I’ve always been repelled by them though so I can’t say I’ve even been in a relationship with a girl who’s daddy issues were above average. I’ve sure as hell boned a few though and, while they were an experience, I can’t say i miss them.

Who is your favorite current and past NBA player and which one-five (past or present) players would you let Methodman torture and why?

Player #1)
I’ll fucking tie you to a fucking bedpost with your ass cheeks spread out and shit. Put a hanger on a fucking stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour. Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like Tssssssss.

Player #2)
Yeah I’ll fucking lay your nuts on a fucking dresser. Just your nuts laying on a fucking dresser. And bang them shits with a spiked fucking bat. Oh. What’s up? BLOW!

Player #3)
I’ll fucking pull your fucking tongue out your fucking mouth and stab the shit with a rusty screwdriver, BLOW!

Player #4)
I’ll fucking hang you by your fucking dick off a fucking twelve story building out this motherfucker.

Player #5)
I’ll fucking sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you.

Not that you would actually want Methodman’s imagination running wild in real life.

This question makes very little sense but I’ll play along.
My favorite basketball player of all time is Dominique Wilkins. Currently, it’s hard to gauge cause I play fantasy basketball so it skews my opinion of players. I do think kyrie irving and James harden are the two most exciting players to watch though. now as for this retarded method man angle…I’d let Chris “The Birdman” Anderson so all of these cause I feel like he’d do each with one the proper amount of zeal.

Blockhead: The Rapper

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Blockhead

Before I ever made a beat, I rapped. Around 7th/8th grade (I was 12 at the time), I started writing little raps. Obviously, they were atrocious but it was something I eventually fell deeply into. As my obsession with rap grew, so did my books of rhymes. In my early teens, I would write page long verses (that’s how I knew the verse was done) on random looseleaf sheets of paper. I had a drawer by my bed filled with these rhymes. None of them meant more to me than the others. They were simply a collection. Around 14, I started hanging out with an older dude (pause) who was an aspiring rapper. He worked at this nearby toy store and he and I would exchange tapes. I’d record Stretch and Bobbito’s radio show and make him dubs while he’d put me on to whatever new albums were hot in the streets. Like I said, he was an aspiring rapper. While I was never particularly good at any facet of rapping, the one thing I could do was write a punchline. That was my style. I was like an overly complicated Lord finesse (in my mind). So, every now and then, I’d write some lines for my older rapping friend. I’d also occasionally give him samples to make beats from before I knew how to make a beat. This thin version of “Ghost Writing” was my introduction into rapping.

For all the rhymes I had written, I hadn’t recorded anything. I had barely practiced the rhymes. It was more of a situation where I’d write the verse and forget about it. When I was 16, that changed as I met a group of dudes who’d I eventually form a “group” with. These were three guys from downtown Manhattan like myself who were also obsessed with hip hop on an embarrassing level. Once I chilled with them and our similar obsessions were established, they told me that they rent studios out and freestyle over live instruments. They all played instruments so they would basically just bring a bass, a guitar and some drums to a studio space and fuck around. The invited me to come rhyme with them and ,from there, we eventually formed a group we called “The Overground”. It was me, Dub-L (he produced the majority of Aesop’s “Music for earthworms”) , Jer (the other half of Party Fun action Committee with me as well as currently “Sir Jarlsberg”) and Niles AKA Mr. Roper (who made the wise choice of quitting this music shit a long time ago). We were four white dorks from downtown manhattan who kinda saw ourselves as a white, east coast Souls of Mischief which, in hindsight, is fucking hilariously bold on our parts. Here’s some caricatures of us from that time drawn by Niles AKA Mr. Roper AKA “And Friend”-

We made our 5 song first demo in my moms basement on a shitty 4 track over terrible homemade beats using the cheapest of synth sounds we could find and Dr. Sample drum machine. It was one of those things that, when we finished it, we were super proud of it. So proud, that upon seeing Bobitto at a bar one night, Dub-L handed out first demo to him with no fear. Here’s the thing though…it was literally some of the worst rap music ever made. Aside from the sloppy tracks, it was a chorus of four horrible voiced white dudes rapping off beat about their dicks. It’s one of those things I can’t even bring myself to listen to this very day. I don’t even have a digital copy of it and I’m glad cause I’d feel like I’d have to post a song up just to give you an idea of how bad it really was. I’ve often just imagined what Bobitto must have thought on the off chance he actually listened to that cassette. Did he share with his friends and laugh endlessly or did he simply just roll his eyes and toss it int he garbage. I hope it was the latter.

That first demo was a learning experience. After the glow of simply recording something wore off, it became clear to us that we needed to improve. We tinkered a bit and stated working on an official album. The title of that album ,”Downtown Bound”, was as corny as it sounds. However, by the time we had done it, we had tightened things up a little. Let’s not front…we still sucked but at least we had improved marginally. Dub-L had taken to making beats on fruity loops and it definitely helped out sonic direction greatly. It also didn’t hurt that we had our Boy Chase Phoenix join us on some tracks. He was a far more polished mc than any of us so I’d like to think he saved a few joints from being completely unlistenable.
In fact, here are some of his demo’s from the mid 90′s…definitely a slept on talent:
http://www.mediafire.com/?jokhgmmhotn
We finished the album and sold it online before the internet (with the help of longtime friend Stinke yameen) really was the internet. At this point it was 96. I forget where we promoted it but i do recall most of our orders coming from the Philippines. No clue about that. Overall, we sold maybe 100 of them. This prospect scares the shit out of me cause that means there are like 100 people out there who could upload this album online. In fact, on the off chance, I googled it and came across this…

It’s actually a fitting example of what we were doing. Rapping for the sake of rapping. Judge it with a grain of salt…after all, this is some mid 90′s shit.
Keep in mind, we did shows regularly. We’d have shows at this spot called “The Spiral” on East Houston Street that, at best, would be attended by like 30 people. Over the years of doing shows, somehow real rappers would often show up and rock with us. Dudes like Percee P and Tess One were fairly regular. Hell, one time, the Souls Of Mischief own Opio was at a show. David Blaine too. All that said, the shows were typically 3 or 4 of us on stage, standing in one spot, simply struggling to remember our verses in front of about 11 people who could care less. Ahh…those were the days.

After that, the group continued making songs but kinda went in different directions. I started making beats and Dub-l got signed to Sm(le records with his group “The controls”. But more than anything, we met Aesop. He might not even realize it but he was really the game changer in why I don’t rap anymore (which is a good thing). He was the first dude I had met who could REALLY rap. He could freestyle, he could write and his flow and voice were on some seriously next level shit. I think his emergence humbled all of us in a way but it was also just exciting to be around a talent like that. Between 97-99, I still rapped but much less than I did before. I started focusing on beats. Jer and I would occasionally make silly songs for fun that would eventually become the foundation for our “Party fun action Committee” album. In fact, as the recording of songs slowed down, we more focused on just freestyling. We’d record those too but through a boombox mic. To this day, those tapes are easily the peak of anything rap related I’ve ever done. They were silly, offensive and we were high as fuck all the time while doing them. I’d never subject a stranger to any of them but they’re the basis of endless inside jokes that still live to this day amongst the people involved.

So, I say all of this as a means to post these songs. There are all old demos featuring yours truly on the mic. Am I proud of them ? God no. But, in a way, this a nice way to silence anyone asking me “Why don’t you rap anymore?”.
Here’s a handfull of songs with some descriptions. All the beats are by me as well so this might give you a funny insight of what some of my earliest beats sounded like.
http://www.mediafire.com/?i9e2tpjl3yneap0
1)Soapbox
This is me at my rappiest. Normally, my songs were all just stupid punchlines and me attempting to flow in ways I was incapable. This was me just “going in” as much as i could. Keep in mind, this was made during the heyday or the shiny suit era. To underground purist assholes like myself, that was a huge issue. I’d imagine this song is a reaction to that whole thing.
Side note, I’ll never understand why I choose this beat as my solo song track. It sucks but, more so than that, it’s not like anything else i used to make back then. I’d just guess that I was listening to a lot of Company Flow and this ws my awful attempt at that.
2)Dutch (With Chase Phoenix)
This is a fun song. We did it in my basement on a whim. It was also the first time I used the “Kartlingdedor” kool keith sample I would eventually use on “Carnivores Unite”. This verse of mine was way more indicative of what I did as a rapper. Sloppily delivered punchlines served in a not-so-serious manner.
3)Chin Music
This one has a story to it. In 1999, I had planned to make a compilation album with various rappers rocking over my beats. I had an aesop song, an illogic song and a slug song. Sadly that’s all I could muster. So, as a last ditch effort to be a rapper, I made a song under a pseudonym “Beetlejuice”. The idea was that I’d throw this on the album and people would be like “who the fuck is that?”. I purposely used a different voice that ended up sounding like a wacker white Rock from Heltah Skeltah. Since the album never happened, I was left with this little mess of a song. One looooooong verse. I still contend this has a few awesome lines in it but the voice change is one of the more embarrassing things I’ve ever recorded.
4)Subtle Touches (Feat. Mr Roper)
This is one of the earliest songs where I rapped over my own beats. This must have been around 95/96. This one is pretty bad on all fronts. Still, that piano loop though…
5)Really Real- Da Dunz (Party fun action Committee Feat. Aesop)
This was made one night at my crib when Jer , aesop and I got inspired to make fun of thug rappers. I forget what spawned it but i do recall us leaving where ever we were to come home a make this song. This was in an era where everyone called each other “Dun” and Queensbridge thuggery was at an all time high. I’d guess it was 97 when we did this one. So, yeah, it’s kind alike a weird mixture of MOP, other screaming thugs and Aesop sounding almost identically to John Forte. This one was 100% a joke that, due to the changing times, may not have held up too well. Oh well. We had fun.

So, yeah, that’s me rapping. Now, please never ask me about it ever again.

Answers for questions Vol. 127

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Blockhead

What up everyone. I hope you’re all recovering well from being Irish yesterday.
I’m heading to europe later this week so , if you live there, peep some of these tour dates and , who knows, maybe I’m playing near you: Upcoming Shows! There are also some west coast, east coast and colorado shows listed there too so check it out.
Anywaaaaaay, this is that thing where you send me questions and I answer them. If you’d like to contribute, send me your questions. Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Do it.
Okay, let’s see what we got this week.

do you remember the first time you felt old? and how do feel about ageing now?

Life after 30 feels like a bunch of constant small reminders that you’re running on borrowed time. I’m not trying to be grandiose about this and pretend I’m constantly feeling like death is near, cause that’s not what I mean. I’m saying that there is rarely that one defining “Oh shit, I’m old” moment. It’s more a series of “hmmm…I’m not as young as I used to be…” moments until it dawns on you that , yes, you are in fact, no longer a teenager in your early 30′s.
Since I can’t pin down one specific occurrence , what I can do is list those little things that are normally tips
1) Being sore all the time. I don’t mean like arthritis.
I mean just a general soreness. It goes hand in hand with exercise so lazy sacks of shit out there might not relate to this one.
2)Hangovers get way worse
3)Minor injuries linger
4)Being in a bar filled with people in their early 20′s feels wrong
5)paying taxes on time
6)you sleep a lot less
7)Dairy starts to fuck with you more. In fact, random foods in general that you’ve always eaten without consequence start to react differently when placed inside your old ass body.
8)watching what you eat becomes a high priority.
This one’s important cause, for many, I feel like embracing adulthood and getting older goes hand in hand with accepting you can’t eat like a kid anymore. Never in my life did I ever imagine I’d be at a fucking health food store checking the calories on a package of dried mango but, hey, here we are.
9)you care less about everything. The emotional spectrum one has shrinks from it’s former “Outrage-Joy” to “Meh-it’s okay”.

Aging is one of those things you have to accept cause there is no way to “beat” it. It’s not like you’re gonna live forever. The best you can do is try to make the descent into full blown old as easy as possible. Take care of yourself. If you’re in you’re late 30′s , eating Mcdonalds every day, drinking 5 times and week and never exercising, that’s all gonna come fuck you in the ass down the line. But, then again, healthy people get cancer all the time so who knows?
Bottom line, getting old sucks. More than anything because , as you get older, your mind gets sharper and your body falls apart. So, it’s frustrating to never have them both on the same wavelength. I spend a small portion of any given day thinking “If i knew then what i knew now…but still was me back then…”
Ahh…Maturity.

Here’s a few questions for answers, admittedly the last one is kinda lame by comparison, but maybe you’ve got some wisdom into the magic that is cheese. (also, clearly i’m not looking for some wikipedia type knowledge on the history of the hotdog or milk, just for you to rewrite history as you think it went down):

“Was the dude who made the first Hotdog also the first one to try a Hotdog, or did he make somebody else take that first bite?”

I like to imagine the first person who made a hot dog (or a “sausage” if you’re fancy) shared it with his/her best friend. They both started eating it as the same time from different ends and chomped down on it “Lady and the Tramp” style , ending in a passionate , sausage mouth filled make out session.

“Was the first sip of cow milk an accident, a perverted motherfucker, or the results of a lost bet?”

I’ve actually thought about this before. Like , at what point were people looking at fluids that came from animals bodies as something they would wanna put in their mouths? I mean, I get that seeing how human women used breast milk must have sparked the idea but still. Is it possible there were people in ancient times drinking the piss of as many different animals as they could wrangle just on the off chance one of them got the tasty piss they could feed their family with? Who knows.
But, to answer you questions, yeah, They must have seen how human titties worked and applied that cows.

“Why is cheese so fucking god damned good? Aside from Blue Cheeses, I’ve never met a cheese that was bad. Granted they’re not all mind blowers, but even a not-that-great cheese is still consistently better tasting than any other not-that-great option of normally good food.”

Umm…I don’t know bro. Cause good food tastes good? Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did judas grab the romans while jesus slept?

Do you think that the rise in social media and networking has caused
people to become more self-important?

Uh. Yeah. Big time. People have always been self important but never before have they had a platform like social media. You read their thoughts, look at their pictures, see their jobs and relationship status. I joked on twitter the other day that “Twitter bios are the new resume” cause , at this point , why not? People not only have gotten so self involved that they think their lives are actually important/interesting but they’ve learned to do so in as few words as possible. A picture and caption.
I think the biggest problem with all of this is that all this social media really effects peoples egos. People take this shit WAY too Seriously. You ever joke around and fuck with someones facebook page when they’re not in the room? while some will laugh it off, some will lose their fucking minds. As if there are any repercussions from a single facebook update. Or how bout on instagram when people get salty about “likes”, follows and unfollows. That shit makes people legit sad. People get deeply hurt feelings over something that could not matter less in the large scheme of things. All those type of things are partially related to people thinking they’re more important online that they actually are. The second you stop just being a person using the internet and start acting like a brand, it’s all downhill from there.
It’s funny cause I’m no different. I love social media. I mean, shit, you’re reading my personal “Blog” right now. I’d probably be doing a blog if I was a dude that worked in a coffee shop. That’s no less self important than the endless pictures of girls making a duck face at the club on your facebook wall. I think that’s one of the major downsides of the social media. It’s great and it’s fun but , if you actually do use it with any regularity, it’s almost impossible to not be self important on some level. The only way to not do that is to either be a full time lurker or just be one of those off the grid motherfuckers. And, honestly, I don’t know how they even live life. But props to them regardless.

How do you feel about new artists who use the same magic in their music as Michael Jackson? Any clip or sample from any MJ song seems to give the new artist an instant hit.
The new hit by Bruno Mars really jacked the “HOO”(song:”locked out of heaven”) from “Beat It”….Why don’t these artists give credit to MJ for using key components from obvious number 1 hits? How does it make you feel overall?

I really don’t feel any bit of wonder or frustration when I hear a DJ incorporate MJ songs in his or her set, it’s a totally different thing to me.
I am a peaceful music lover and serious fan of MJ since 1981, and always seem to cringe when I hear these new artists borrowing lyrics and samples from the King, even more so now that he has passed. It’s like, “yeah no fuckin wonder this shits a hit-sounds just like BEAT IT”.

Is this a reoccurring issue? I haven’t noticed. This is one of those “it is what it is” kinda problems. People love familiarity. There’s a reason why, in the late 90′s, puffy changed the game but saying “fuck it…” and sampling only wildly famous songs. It’s cause he knew that people would be drawn to it. Now, I don’t know the Bruno Mars song and I can’t think of many recent MJ nods in pop music but who gives a shit? I’d be willing to bet they artists are doing it as a tip of the hat to MJ. His music is so engrained in pop culture it’s a reference point for pretty much anyone over the age of 20.
I realize he’s one of the greatest and all that shit but I’m not one for the sacred cow mindsets towards pop artists. He’s one of thousands talented artists that have been sampled, referenced, and reworked. I’m afraid that’s just music in 2013.

What was your first impression of cold vein?

Secondly, everyone has those go to albums they absolutely love. However you sit in somewhat of a different seat being in the industry and having a large amount of friends who make music. So has any of your friends made one of those classic albums that you inevitably go back to and give it a relisten?

Cold vein was one of those albums I heard that , right away, I knew it was special. Anytime you hear something and your first thought is “Man, this sounds like nothing else” (and you mean that in a positive way) that’s a good sign. Honestly, of all the albums in that entire era, I feel as if that one i gonna stand the test of time the best and will be looked back upon as classic by more than just a bunch of white dudes in their 30′s who used to love backpacks.

As for friends making classics, it’s hard to call. I certainly can’t say that about any Aesop album cause of my close involvement to them. I’m way too inside the bubble to have any idea where those albums would stand.
But, of people I know, I think El-P has made a classic album. I think Cold Vein is a definitive classic. I think , as time goes on, Billy Woods album “History will absolve me” may be spoken of in that light. Granted, by a much smaller group of people but it deserves to be looked at in that same type of high regard. I think the first RJd2/Blueprint album is up there. Shit…there are tons of great albums from people I know from that era. It’s hard to even remember them all. But i do occasionally go back and peep that stuff. Maybe not the whole albums (Ipods have ruined how i listen to music , in that sense) but choice album tracks? For sure.

Answers for questions Vol. 126

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Blockhead

What’s really good everyone?
I’m on the verge of yet another fucking head cold so, admittedly, I’mkinda in a crappy mood. How this will translate into this post, we shall see. My guess? I’m gonna be kind of a dick but , hey, you never know. Regardless, i still love you all like my unborn seeds and I’m always accepting of any questions you may have to ask me. So, if you got any questions, send them my way. Email them to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
But, for now, let’s get this shit over with…

What are your views on freestyling? It seems to me that sometimes when a rapper is “freestyling” their rhymes are just too tight. Like, there’s no way they are making something up this complex on the spot. I saw Del, who has been in the game forever, freestyling on tv the other day and while it was decent, it was nowhere up to par with the rest of his recorded work. You could tell he was making it up on the spot. it felt real. Now when I have seen certain people on Pitchfork selector, let’s use the El-P/Despot Selector, as a reference. Both of their verses are really tight, like so tight, it didn’t seem like it was made up on the spot. I know there was something back when their records dropped when El and Killer Mike were both on Sway’s show and they both kind of politely refused to freestyle on the spot. On Selector though, it’s supposed to be “freestyle”, but it made me wonder if they had some extra time to prepare for it and thus were not really doing it off the top of their head. Not to knock Despot/El-P, both are amazing rappers and El is up there with my favorite rappers of all time. I could care less if it wasn’t truly freestyle, dude can do no wrong in my book. I guess what I am getting at is, it possible to rap that tight off the top of your head? Can you tell when someone is freestyling and when some of it is pre-written or partially written?

Another good example is the recent “Art of Rap” doc. Some of the dudes on there go on for a couple of minutes(Kanye and Eminem for example) and it just sounds too good to be true. What do you think, are these guys just truly that mind boggling amazing at freestyling? or is there a grey area where it is hard to tell or where because of the situation they might have a little extra time to prepare because it is not technically a battle, and they know it is coming and have time to prepare?

What you’re trying to decipher is the difference between a written and a rhyme that’s off the top of the head. 98% of the time, when a rapper is kicking a verse on a radio show that seems to be good to be off the dome, that’s because it’s not. The term “Freestyle” used to mean just going off, unprepared but over time that’s changed. Most of the time people just kick an obviously pre-written verse (that, under no guise they are trying to pass off as a freestyle) or they go off the top and it’s very clear that’s what they’re doing.
That said, there are a select few rappers out there who can actually rap off the top of the head so well that it could, conceivably seem like a written. Contrary to popular belief though, it’s way rarer than you think. Older battle dudes like Supernatural and Juice were two guys considered some of the best freestylers. If you listen to those two dudes and see what they did, then compare other who kick so called “off the dome” raps, you will notice a difference.

There’s just a limit to what the human brain can do. If a persons verse is full of well set up punchlines that lead into other punch lines and intricate flows? It’s probably a written. I’ve heard stories of guys like Mikah 9 ( from Freestyle Fellowship) doing insane shit off the dome but I’ve never witnessed it personally. Though, I tend to believe it cause that dude was somewhat of a sick genius.
So, to answer your question, if it feels to good to be true, it usually is.
The same applies to battles. It seems, as battling has picked up popularity, there have been less off the dome rappers than ever. Shit like grind time is all written and practiced verses.

hey, blockhead. if you had no other choice, would you rather only sample metal or techno music to make your beats? hopefully this will never happen, but you’ve got to be prepared for the worst situations.

Hey blockhead, if you had to only eat one food ever again would it be liver or pig balls?

Hey blockhead, if you could only wipe you ass with one thing would it be a flaming , oily rag or your mom’s face?

hey blockhead, if you had to kill your newborn child, would you rather stomp it to death or punch it to death?

Listen, I take all questions. I’m not offended by anything but these “would you rather” questions where I’m offered two things I’d never do under any circumstance are fucking corny. Not cause of what they’re asking but cause these’s no wiggle room in the responses. Both answers are me being like “well, that would suck but I guess i choose this cause of that”.
So, I choose Heavy Metal cause at least there would be downtempo parts.

Hey Blockhead, How old were you the FIRST time you ever moved out of your parents house? How did you feel? Where did you move to? and did you end up moving back?

I had an unusual situation with that as I moved out of my parents house around the time I was 20…but I moved into an apartment in the building I grew up in (my parents owned the building). So, in a way, it was like having my own clubhouse. It didn’t feel like much cause I hadn’t truly left the nest. I paid a meager rent and pretty much had tons of fun there for about 5 years until my mom got sick of me sneaking into her house and eating all her food (as well as losing money from my low rent) and I moved out to my own apartment around 2002. 9/11 bought the prices down in downtown NYC heavily and I jumped on a deal for the apartment I still live in to this very day.
A side note, I’ve noticed, more than most cities, people will live with their parents for a long time in NY. It’s mostly cause rents are so high and location is so important. I was one of my first friends to have my own place (even though it was still in my childhood building). To this day I have plenty of friends who have moved out , moved back in with their parents and moved out again. That’s just kinda how it is out here.

This one may be a shot in the dark Block, But do you know by chance what Cool Calm Pete is doing? I only ask because maybe you ran in the same circles or something once, I’m a huge fan of his early work but it seems after 2009 he hasn’t really produced anything other than those hour long mixups, I am simply curious if you ever knew him or know what hes up to, He seems like an elusive dude.

I actually ran into Pete at a bar a few years ago. He seemed to be doing well. he definitely had a super hot girlfriend (props on that, bro!). We spoke for a little bit and he said he had been doing design work so the music had kinda fallen to side. It happens. It sounded like he was actually really successful so it would appear he made the right choice. It’s not easy to maintain inspiration when you’re getting little in return for your endeavors. Luckily for Pete, he actually had a serious skill to fall back on so he’s doing better than 99% of the rappers he came up with. Pete’s a really good dude though and I was happy to see he was doing well in life beyond the music.

when youre on a bigger tour, like your next one in march, what are you doing apart from the shows? are you mostly chilling in the hotel, do you just walk through the city or do you have people you know at most of the places? or is it a mix of all three?

The misconceptions of touring are deep. I think people feel like it’s a lavish party that only stops for that hour you’re on stage. Truth be told, it’s pretty fucking lonely and boring. I don’t tour with anyone (meaning, I’m a one person act) so I generally just arrive in a city, check into the hotel, loaf around there for a bit then go do soundcheck at whatever venue I’m playing at. This is one of those things where you’re given a window of time to show up and it almost always results in waiting around…for hours. In fact, many times, I’ve gone for a soundcheck, waited for hours and then I’m told “oh, it’s cool…you don’t need a soundcheck…”.
In the typical city I’m not familiar with, I’ll basically just go from the venue to the hotel and that’s it. Aside from eating dinner with either the promoter or the other acts performing that night, I’m pretty much on my own. To be honest, some of the most boring times of my life have been spent backstage at in a city where i don’t know anyone. Just chilling there, alone, eating hummus and carrots until i have to perform. Those nights suck. It’s kinda the reasons I’d rather just chill behind the merch table on most nights. At least there is activity out there and I can talk to fans.
There are a few cities in the country where I actually have some friends though and , when I’m in those, I chill with my friends as much as possible. Before the show and after the show.

As a self-employed producer how do report your income at the end of the year?

Do you fill out a 1040A or something?

What types of things can your write off?

How much goes “under the table” so to speak?

Timely question.
I pay a shitload of taxes. Because most of the money I receive isn’t taxed up front, what i usually do is just pay “estimated taxes” over the year. Pretty much just trying to guess what my income for that year will be based on what i made the year before. The problem with that is that my yearly income jumps all over the place. Some years are great, others are not. I forget what the actual form is called that I fill out but I have an accountant so , it get’s handled.
As for write offs…everything. Travel (if i spend a penny on anything while on the road, i write it off), most things in my home (internet, phone, cable) cause i work from home, clothing, anything I apply towards my music (this could be a usb wire, musical equipment, or even a record). Basically, if it can be somehow described as an expense , I’m writing it off.

As for “under the table” stuff, I’d rather not speak of that in a public forum. So, for the sake of this answer, every penny is accounted for. Obviously.

How hard is Despot fucking with everyone in this interview?

He’s actually really like that. That’s part of his majesty.

Lyrical Spiritual Miracle

Posted on March 6, 2013 by Blockhead

Being “Spiritual” is a vague term. For some, it’s just less abrasive way to describe their self imposed religion. They say shit like “I’m not religious…but I’m very spiritual”. Which is kinda like saying “I’m not on fire, but is it like 2000 degrees in here?”. Whenever anyone says that to me, I’ve learned to just leave it alone. There maybe was a time when I might have pressed it a little and asked “What do you mean by “Spiritual” exactly?”. But, nowadays, I avoid a conversation that reads like the monologue in the video above as I simply don’t have time to listen to that bullshit.
I looked the word up in the dictionary and this is what I got:
Definition of SPIRITUAL

1
: of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit : incorporeal
2
a : of or relating to sacred matters
b : ecclesiastical rather than lay or temporal
3
: concerned with religious values
4
: related or joined in spirit
5
a : of or relating to supernatural beings or phenomena
b : of, relating to, or involving spiritualism : spiritualistic
— spir·i·tu·al·ly adverb
— spir·i·tu·al·ness noun

Of those five definitions it would seem 1 and 3 are the ones that would apply to anyone who specifically describes themselves as “Spiritual”. In the case of definition #1, I’d say that applies to everything that happens to everyone ever. If your “spirit” is your general being that it’s safe to say literally everything you do , say, eat, think about, etc…effects that in some way. So while proclaiming that as a way of life isn’t incorrect, it’s also like bragging about how often you breath.
In the case of definition #3, it’s exactly what you think it is. Religious people believe in a higher power. It’s THAT kind of spirituality. Certainly not the kind that more people proclaim for themselves. In fact, the people I’m speaking about openly will scoff at religion , all the while speaking of mystical healing power that some rock contains or how eating a certain root with get you closer to mother natures majesty.

In both cases of these literal definitions, I’m pretty sure 99% of the people who have ever told me they’re spiritual are in fact simply just normal human beings who do yoga.

Much like people being vegans or straight edge , people referring to themselves as “Spiritual” was not something I grew up around. I also didn’t hear about veganism or straight edge until I went to college so, you know, that might give you an idea of the world I lived in. Aside from an occasional anti-fur rally and basic civil rights, it was a “cause free” upbringing. As for people being “spiritual”, I simply never heard it referred to as lifestyle until I was in my late 20′s. I dunno, maybe I was just lucky. If you asked me what “Spiritual” meant in 1994, I’d probably say “A ghost?”. Granted, the 90′s were a different era. This was before health food stores were everywhere, yoga and pilates were all the rage and people collected crystals openly. In fact, back then, a store that specialized in things like that was pretty much looked at as new age bullshit (AKA Hippy shit) or a place where wiccans would chill.

I feel as if , in recent years there has been a large movement away from organized religion. Obviously, it’s still wildly popular but there certainly seems to be a generation of people not connecting with it like they used to. While a good amount of these people simply move on with their lives (which would seem to be the logical progression from losing ones religion) another group just trade that in for the idea of being “Spiritual”. Instead of following a bible, they turn to what are basically self help books that were written with more flowery and mystical language. Regardless , it’s a book that was written by another human being. Just like the bible. Sometimes they will dump Jesus and simply consider themselves Buddhists. This is fine but the percentage of people who think of themselves as Buddhists and the number of actual people “bout that life” is probably preeeeeetty low. Obviously, I have no study to fall back on to prove this point (or anything I’m saying, really) but I’ve seen way too many people who have said shit like “I think of myself as more of a Buddhist” who are obsessed with their I-phones , getting shit faced drunk all the time, being assholes to people and , in general, being self absorbed dickheads. Pretty sure that’s not in the tenants of Buddhism , brah. What I don’t get about it is that these people who abandon religion , for some reason, still feel the need to grasp on to something. I understand the universe is full of unanswered questions. I can see how some people might need guidance through life but the idea of trading in one for the other just seems kinda pointless to me. Either way, it’s some made up shit. I suppose it’s just that you gotta find the made up shit that applies best to your life.
(OR you could just act with common decency toward your fellow man and use proper judgement. For the most part , it’s fairly black and white. Don’t kill people, Be polite, try to Share. Don’t rape, Respect other people, etc..It’s all basic shit the average person learns in pre-school. Think of all the time and money you’d save on books alone!)

Saying “I’m very spiritual” is similar to people who say “I’m a very sexual being”. It’s a blanket statement meant to express depth and faux intensity that’s referring to things that pretty much everyone in the world feels (Outside of people in comas and asexual eunuchs.They get the pass). Oh, you’re sexual? You like having orgasms? Man, you must be some sort of sexual super hero! Oh you’re spiritual? You’ve got it all figured out? Your chakra’s are aligned? Awesome. Your soul must weigh much more than mine.
They’re simply empty statements that mean nothing. Without trying, we are all technically spiritual. But this kind of “spiritual” that people claim for themselves? I dunno. I’m yet to meet a self proclaimed “spiritual person” who is anything more than either a regular hippie who eats lots of healthy food or one of those people who becomes obsessed with all things eastern . At least the latter seem to have their stories down though. They’re generally educated in their beliefs. It’s the hippie ones that will really talk you into a hole. Every gotten cornered by a hippie who’s under the influence of anything and set on telling you all about his/her spirituality? It’s meandering mish mash of words like “aura”, “chi” and vague references to astrology set the back beat of some dudes awful fucking weed breath.
I can tell you first hand that it’s slightly less captivating than reading binary code and , in the end, it makes even less sense.

Listen, I realize that a lot of this kinda thing stems from a good place. People wanting to find deeper meanings in life. People figuring out their place in the universe. While I never think about that kind of shit, I get why others might. All I really am asking is for those of you who claim this basic cloak of “Spirituality” to simply just stop being so full of shit. Believe what you believe in. You can do that. But there’s no need to try and jazz it up beyond what it is at it’s core. Your beliefs. Not everything needs a title. In Reality, you’re not more “spiritual” than the dude who pumped your gas or the guy that did your taxes. You simply are just keeping closer tabs on it. You’re not a specially spiritual person. You’re simply a human being with thoughts and feelings. Just like every other fucking person you’ve ever seen and met. I think from now on I’m gonna claim “humanism”. Or not…who cares. My spirituality is telling me I’m hungry so I’m gonna go eat a cheeseburger.

Answers for questions vol. 125

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Blockhead

Good day to you fine sir/madam. Here’s another installment of “Answers for questions”. You send me questions about anything under the sun and I do my best to answer them honestly. It’s a simply concept that seems to work.
If you have more questions you’d like ask me, please do. My mailbox is always open. Send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
Cool? great. Now, let’s get into this weeks batch.

If you could organise your own hip hop festival/concert, which artists would you have perform and who would headline? Also, if you could organise everything you needed, which artists would you have perform as a hologram?

That’s tough cause, truth be told, I kind of hate live shows. I know that’s weird to hear coming from a musician but I think the fact I do shows has made me numb to them.
With that in mind, organizing a festival would be a nightmare for many reasons.
First off, most of the rappers I’d want to see wouldn’t exactly be selling tickets. They’re either under the radar or too old. But your hologram part of the question actually gave me a genius festival idea. I’d do an all dead rapper festival. All holograms. Big L, Big Pun, Biggie would headline and all the guests would be other dead rappers. Eazy-E would shut that shit down.
also appearing? ODB, Guru, Heavy D, Nate Dogg and , of course, Tim dog. That would actually be pretty incredible.

I’ve noticed that people who live in big cities often look down on people who are from smaller places. As you’re from NY do you believe that people are more enlightened as a whole when living in a big city? Or is it solely a different way of life? Are there any smaller towns in the US that you are a fan of?

Damn…you’re baiting me here. I don’t know about more enlightened but growing up and living in a city certainly is a much different experience than the burbs or a rural area. Things are quicker. Competition is higher. It sort of forces you to be on your toes at all time and I have always felt that gives you an edge in many ways. At the same time, I think us city people do tend to miss out on some of life’s subtleties. I’m sure there are aspects of small town living that are awesome that I’m completely unaware of. I’d imagine the community feeling of knowing everyone is kinda nice. I’m sure it’s way more relaxing as well. Meanwhile, I’m trying to not make eye contact with my neighbors 22 year old cross dressing boyfriend cause I banged on the wall last night at 3 am when he wouldn’t turn down that same fucking Rihanna song he plays all day.
As for looking down at people, it kinda depends. I mean, I can’t lie, when things like elections roll around and I see the fucking tea party candidates getting nominated it doesn’t exactly make me feel great about middle america. Small town mentality has never appealed to me. Not even that, I simply don’t get it. Often, I’ll equate small towns with things like religion and tradition. Things I truly don’t give a fuck about.
I’m a city person through and through. I could never live in a small town. I’m simply too used to a city. I mean, shit, I don’t think I could live in a different city even. The bar is set ridiculously high when NYC is your starting point and that’s what you think of when you hear the word “City”.
I’ve been to small towns that i had a good time in. But they’ve always felt like a place I’m good with after a day or two. It’s like “Ok, cool…i get it”. Truth be told, i need the sound of whizzing cars and off in the distance sirens to even be able to fall asleep.

I have had insecurities about my bootie in the past, and have since learned to appreciate the curve. But, please elaborate… why are some guys all about an extra round backside?? what gives? And is the bigger the better?

This isn’t really a black and white kinda thing (I don’t mean that racially). Some dudes like a skinny girl with a flat ass. However, at least in the world i live in, most dudes appreciate an ass far more than girls even understand. That’s why when , if a dude tells you you have a fat ass, you should take it as a compliment. Same with being referred to as “Thick”. That’s something most dudes actually like. I feel like girls hear those two things and immediately start getting insecure. You will never hear a man refer to someone like Lena Dunham as “Thick” cause she’s more “sloppy”. Thick denotes more firmness but also some cushion.
As for how big an ass can get…it depends who you’re asking. I know many dudes who might look at someone like Ice-T’s wife CoCo and either want to vomit or salivate. It’s all preference. One thing is certain, very few men are complaining about a girl with a skinny wist and a round ass. That’s for sure.

You get to join any 3 current TV reality shows, each for an entire season. While on each show, you must do all of the following with a fellow “cast member”:

1.) Sex (Condom)
2.) Sex with someone else (No Condom)
3.) 8 Hour Car Trip

Which shows and cast members do you choose?

I honestly don’t think i watch 3 reality shows that have casts like that. I watch shit like Top Chef , Catfish and Shark tank. My girl watches all those housewife shows but I can’t sit through them. I’ve seen Vanderpump rules, Black ink, & love and hip hop but I don’t know anyones name on those shows. So, really, Washington heights and Buckwild are the last two reality shows I was fucking with (until The Real world start up again cause I will be 70 and still watching that crap)
So, of those two…
Washington heights:
1)sex (condom) – The singer girl Reyna. She seems like she’s been around the block a few times. So that works both as a turn on and turn off. Say what you will about sluts but they’re usually fun (with a condom).
2)Sex (no Condom) – The white girl. i have no clue what her name is (I’m getting some white girl name that wounds like a rich white man’s last name. Something like Bradley or Winthrope) but she seems somewhat asexual (even though she has a man) so I wouldn’t worry too much about catching something from her.
3)8 hour Car trip – Ludwin
He’s a little emo for my taste but he’s not a total moron and wouldn’t make me listen to reggaeton/terrible second rate drake raps the entire time.

Buckwild:
1)Sex (condom)-The hot blonde girl. No clue what her name is but , if you’ve seen the show it’s obvious who I’m talking about.
2)Sex (No condom)- The indian girl with the huge tits. Raw dog might not be the wisest choice with her but there’s no way that blonde girl isn’t a petri dish of std’s.
3)8 hour car ride-ughh…I honestly don’t think I could be in a car with any of these fucking idiots for that long so I’mma cop out and say either one of the two I picked to have sex with above. At least I could flirt with them for the entire ride or something. I’m sure I’d be ready to jump into traffic by the 2nd hour but there’s no way i could handle being with one of those backwoods bro’s from that show for more than 5 minutes.

Can you supply a full analysis of the following clip? If you were to be a part of an endeavor like this what would you do differently?

First off, I can’t even count how many people have sent me this clip over the last few weeks. I see why…but still.
Okay…analysis? It’s a joke. There’s no fucking way this isn’t a joke. People are simply incapable of being that removed from reality. That’s saying a lot considering how insane a human can be but, i dunno, I just can’t see this being a real thing on any level. That said, it’s awesome. It’s really well done and they got the subtleties down perfectly so it looks legit but with just enough eye winking to let you know it’s not for real.
What i would do differently? Nothing. They nailed it. The only thing i would suggest, if the point of this video is to be taken as a real thing, I’d be less over the top. Maybe drop one single N-bomb. That might have people scratching their heads more. But, still, I think they did an amazing job on this and it’s fine the way it is. Very Tim and Eric-ish.

Are you into MMA? Are you into any sports in general? This question seems boring as fuck, but I just want to know. Don’t judge.

I don’t give a shit about MMA. I’ve tried to watch it and I’ve seen some awesome knockouts but the majority of the fights I’ve seen end up in two dudes hugging for 3 rounds. It just hasn’t delivered enough action for me to bother keeping up with it. I do love sports though. First and foremost, basketball. I watch it, play it, follow it closely and play fantasy basketball. It’s , far and away, my favorite sport.
Other than that, I fuck with boxing, baseball and a little tennis here and there. But, in all honesty, my interest in those sports doesn’t have 1/100th of the focus I do on basketball.

So, hypothetically, what option would you go for:

1) Stop your producing completely, you could never ever make music again, but you could listen to all other artists.

2) Keep producing but you couldn’t listen to any other songs ever. (This is hands down for me and most, but i don’t know how a producer would react. Aphex Twin for example prefers his own makings to any others. Also, i know your music is very sample based but try to abstract yourself from that.)

I mean, this is tough cause if I don’t make music, how do I support myself? I think that alone would kinda force my hand. I already sorta live that life in the sense that i don’t really listen to other artists within the instrumental hip hop genre but, still, what kind of orwellian shitty world would I ever live in that would make this a reality?

If you had to share every meal you ever ate with an animal, which animal would you choose?

A tapeworm.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 24

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Blockhead

Ahhhh yess…It’s time once again for the worlds foremost mind on the topic of love and dating to let you people know what’s up. Okay, maybe that last sentence is total bullshit but, still, I give honest advice and try to no sugar coat things for you like you’re reading this in Jane magazine or some shit.
I always need more questions so, if you’re struggling in love, need advice on your weird relationship or simply feel lost about the opposite sex, send me your questions. Leave them in the comment section below or, better yet, email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. I’m here to help.
Now, on to this weeks struggle.

Dr. Tony!
I could use some help in regards to first dates. I’ve always been kinda socially awkward and dates make me extremely nervous because of that. I’m pretty good when it comes to flirting via text but in person, I can get a little shy.
I recently met a guy, exchanged phone numbers, and have been texting him for several days now. He has just asked me out on an official dinner date for next weekend. While I am super excited, I am also clueless. Not only am I socially awkward, but I broke off a 4 year relationship back in the spring. My former boyfriend was the only boyfriend that I’ve had thus far and we never had a “first date” per say, we just jumped right into everything. I took a dating hiatus for several months after the breakup and then the two dates I went on after that have been with guys that I just felt no spark with. I’m hoping that this date will go well but having minimal dating experience (I’m in college), and being socially awkward, I could use some advice. Do you have any go-to topics to chat about to keep the conversation flowing and to avoid awkward scilences? Should I dress up or wear my everyday attire?Were there ever “deal breaker” type thingsthat you looked for on a first date that would rule out the chick’s chances for a second date? Finally, if all goes well, how many dates would you say is a good idea to wait before sleeping with someone? All of my guy friends say to not sleep together on the first date. In general, any first date tips and words of encouragement would be appreciated!
Sincerely, Socially Awkward Girl.

Man, dating is stupid. It puts all this extra pressure on people when the title “date” it strapped to what is essentially just two people hanging out. From the sound of things, you’re not really a “go out and get laid” type of girl so I’d venture to say you’re more traditional. So, really, “dates” are something you might wanna get used to. I think your issue is that , because you think you’re socially awkward, you’re over thinking the entire thing. Really, the pressure is more on the guy. He asked you out. It’s his job to charm you and make you feel comfortable. All you need to do is be there , be responsive and not sit there silently like a scarecrow with a vagina. If he is like most other breathing males he will want this date to go smoothly. That means he will do his best to avoid awkward silences. If he’s smart, he knows that means simply asking you questions as a means to steer the conversation. I have friends who can talk to anyone for hours about nothing simply by asking questions. It’s not that difficult and only goes wrong when the two people talking come to a disagreement point about a topic that makes them both recoil a little. “You love abortion? but i hate abortion!” and it’s all downhill from there.
However, this is a college dude and who knows less about dealing with women than a college dude? So, on the off chance the conversation lulls, I sometimes think it’s a good idea to throw caution to the wind and just address it. Not only will it speak on the elephant in the room but it may actually steer the conversation away from petty small talk into something a little more deep. often just facing insecurities head on is nice cause it gets it out of the way and relieves any stress that may have been there due to those feelings.
as for the other parts of the dates-
Dress code: Depends where you go (fancy restaurant means fancier clothes) but, again, you’re in college. He’s probably gonna take you to a place that serves chicken wings on wax paper. Just look cute. Men are simple. We don’t care about your shoes, handbags or earrings. Show of your body is a subtle way and make your face look like it you didn’t just wake up.
Deal breakers: That’s more of an individual thing. For example, while a deal breaker for me may be that the girl thinks the movie “party monster” changed her life, for you it might be that he didn’t use the proper fork for his salad. Both those things are petty but everyone has got their own issues. In this early stage, I’d say the deal breakers should be things like “he’s an asshole” or “he tries to finger you before the appetizers come out”.
When you should let him enter you: Again, there’s no set schedule for this. I would tend to agree with your male friends that fucking on the first date doesn’t bode well for long term relationships. So, if you see this dude as a possible father of your kids, make him wait a few dates. If , halfway through the date, you realize , while you’re attracted to him, he’s not really a long term type, fuck him right then and there on the table at the red lobster you’re eating at.
To close this out, I have a feeling your awkwardness is more in your head than anything. I say this cause you seem to have no trouble getting dates. I know some real awkward girls and they haven’t gotten asked on a date since the early 2000′s.So, you’re not as awkward as you think. You’re simply a girl in her early 20′s. There’s millions of you and I’m willing to bet 85%consider themselves awkward when, in fact, they’re just kinda normal.
Also, It sounds to me you’re just more of a “Relationship” type girl who wants to be treated respectfully. Nothing wrong with that. To be honest though, you’re in college. You should be getting sloppy and going home with dudes who’s name you don’t know from local bars. All that dating bullshit is for later in life. But, hey, to each his/her own.

So i’m dating this really cool girl from like a month and she’s beautiful,smart,has a great body…The problem is i started growing feelings for her and i dont think she feels the same about me. I dont think we are really connected., we are seeing each other 2 times a week but we talk daily on messenger. We go out on weekends and she sleeps at my place Saturday night. But last saturday she wasn’t in the mood for sex cause she said she isn’t feeling ok. Today,Wednesday,we were supposed hang out all afternoon but she had some problems to solve so we saw each other 1 hour. Today also told me she is thinking going to France to save money for master’s degree (we’re from Romania). I encourage her of course to folow her dreams and its not sure she will go at all. She is texting me every time she goes to sleep,so do i but maybe is only a routine for her,i dont know.
I wanna talk to her,tell her how i feel but something tells me thats not a good ideea,i dont wanna look too needy. We dont talk about our relationship at all,just kisses and small talk. So is there any chanse this is just how the way she is? not sentimental and stuff. Or she’s just not that into me and it won’t take long before she dumps me,what do you think Dr. Tony?

Sounds to me like you’re on the way out, bro. It sucks but it’s a reality. When a girl likes a dude, they’re rarely coy about it. especially after you’ve had sex with them. Not to mention , when you a have sex with a girl who likes you, they tend to want it again sooner than later. Even girls who have bad sex with a guy they like will take one for the team simply to be around that guy again. Also, this part: We had sex only once,she told me she liked it made me sad. It made me imagine you pulling of the condom and carefully placing it somewhere that you could later grab it and place it in a shrine, looking at her with doe eyes and asking if you did a good job. I’m hoping that’s not what happened but it certainly had an air of insecurity to it.
You also mentioned that you don’t have a connection with her so what’s the deal here? Are you just very attracted to her? Cause, how much can you really fall for someone you don’t have a connection with? That’s kinda how these things work. The connection is just as valuable as the attraction in the long run.
Regardless, it seems clear to me that you’re not going to be a permanent fixture in her life. You’re pretty low on her “To do” list already. My advice would be to milk her for as much sex as you can before she fully stops returning your texts…but I have a feeling it’s too late for that even.

so i dont know if this is the kind of love advice you dish out, you can even recatagorize it into answers for questions if you’d like

me and my girl have been dating 6 months, and for the most part everything is amazingly awesome. the problem is that when she drinks too much she wets the bed. my bed. the first time i kind of laughed it off and told her how cute it was while i stripped the bedsheets (which should have been her job in the first place). but now its been 5+ times. so probably at least once a month i wake up next to her wet and clammy and smelling like piss. she has a very small bladder she tells me, and she was supposed to get a surgery when she was a kid to fix it. so its not like its her fault per se. on a related note, she might sleep walk too. she’s come bursting into my room in the middle of the night asking why i left her on the couch in the front room before, and i was just bizarrely confused and told her that i was sleeping & i didnt know she was gone in the first place. so maybe she has sleep issues. the sleep walking doesnt seem to be severe as long as she doesnt hurt herself, but i just cant wake up soaked in piss anymore. i love her and im not going to dump her over something like this, but she gets upset when i tell her that she should go home at night and piss her own bed (in much nicer words of course). shes convinced that im using her bedwetting as an excuse to distance us from each other or so i dont have to spend time with her at night, but thats not the case at all. for your reference, ive asked her if she had this problem before we started dating and she said “no not often”, as opposed to “not since i was 5″, so i can only assume she pees the bed at home too and is kind of shy about telling me. also her room mate has told me she caught her sleep walking/trying to piss at the same time…. in the corner of her (the roommate’s) room. which makes me think maybe the bedwetting and sleep walking are all part of some bigger sleep issue where her body doesnt know its asleep or whatever. im not a scientist. and neither are you. but maybe you could give me some advice, yeah?

Man…that’s a messy situation. you must be pissed. AMIRITE?!?!!
Nah, but that does suck. She’s got problems that neither you nor I are fit to help her with. She’s obviously ashamed of herself. I mean, shit, she’s an adult that pisses the bed on the regular. The shittiest part is that it seems she’s made it so you can’t do anything about it under the guise of her thinking you want to “distance yourself from her”. That’s kinda putting you in a corner…and peeing on you, spiritually.
So, clearly, this problem is bigger than you and your relationship with her. Honestly, she needs professional help and has probably needed it for her entire adult life. I don’t know if you take her to a sleep specialist, a shrink, or a urologist…or all three…but it should be high on her to do list.
Also, if this only happens when she drinks perhaps she shouldn’t drink. Or just avoid her on nights she drinks. Just a thought. Worse case scenario , she gets wasted , goes home with some other dudes and pisses on his bed. I know that’s easier said than done but the next time she does drink just send her home. When she gets all pissy (in attitude) just tell her “Listen, this has nothing to do with my feelings towards you. I love you (or whatever) but I just don’t want to deal with cleaning up your piss with a hangover”. Obviously, that will go over terribly but she’s the one with the problem that needs to be addressed , not you. Maybe , like a piss soaked mattress, your words will one day sink in.

I have a question. This guy (32) has started staying over at my (34) house every night for the past week and a half. I don’t invite him and if he doesn’t call I don’t stress it or call him but infallibly he ends up calling and being like, hey can I come over him. I kind of like him so I say yes. He comes over and we cuddle and sleep (gayness). No messing around. I get naked because I sleep naked and I wouldn’t mind boning him. He sleeps with his arms around me. He keeps dropping lines like we should live together or maybe we should try dating. But I’ve told him that that would only work out for me if we were having sex. He is in his first year of residency as an OBGyn and is exhausted all the time not to mention he looks at pussy all day long. We have been friends for a couple of months but not intensely. He’s just all of a sudden become my bedmate?! Wtf is going on in this guys head??? At what point do I get the ween?? Is he just using me for some physical affection and my amazing bed? He was kind of dating one of the other residents (who is a virgin) but he seems to have just dropped her. I’ve encourage him to continue to pursue her since she’s a virgin and he doesn’t feel like fucking so it seems like a good match. Not to mention they are both republican. On the other hand if he would start givin me the dick I’d be open to a relationship with him. We are rather, how u say, sympatico. Maybe he just likes playing with my boobs. I just want some insight into his mind plz. Maybe I’m being too much of a man about this. I’m not looking to fuck right away but some making out would lead me to think that something might happen at some point?!?!

Never say “I’m being too much of a man about this” when discussing dudes. Cause, if all girls were “too much of a man” about matters like this, men and women would get along much better. You’re entitled to want to get laid. It’s you’re god (or whoever) given right. This dude sounds like a weird virgin. Any grown man who still fascinated with simply playing with boobs has some sort of stunted sexual issues. Boobs are great but if you’re in bed with a naked girl on multiple nights and that’s all you’re doing?
Dude sounds like he has an inverted penis or something.
I can’t really give you insight on his mind cause it doesn’t make sense to me. Unless he’s a bible loving republican who believes in no sex until marriage , than none of this makes sense to me. He just sounds like a homeless dude with the mind of a grifter. Does he have home? Why doesn’t he ever go there? The fact he’s in school to be an OBGYN is even crazier. He should know his way around a vagina.
Anyway, the whole thing is fishy to me. My advice to you would be to rape him. Start sucking him off, that’s usually a good way to get a dudes attention and then just take it from there. Have you never gone for his junk? Whatever the case, that power move will bring everything to a head (no pun intended).
In all honesty, I don’t think you wanna date this guy cause he sounds like a fucking loser. but i do believe that your curiosity is eating you alive. The fact he’s in his 30′s makes this even stranger. Basically, stop letting this dude crash at your house unless he’s willing to give up the goods. You’re not a fucking bed and breakfast. If what you want is some peen, then let it be known beyond a shadow of a doubt. If it turns out he’s a 32 year old virgin who’s waiting for a ring, at least you’ll find out.
Also, am i crazy or did I answer this exact question somewhere else on my blog recently? I’m have a strange case of deja vu…

Phat Friend

Sweeping generalizations and unicorns

Category Archives: thoughts and shit