Let’s talk Tinder

So, a few weeks ago, I joined Tinder. I am recently single but I’d be lying if I said my intention was to actually meet people on there. Tinder was always something I had heard about, as a guy in a relationship, that made me curious. I had been out of the game so long that , in the span of my relationship, internet dating had become not only acceptable but the thing to do. Sure, there was E-harmony and Match.com back when I was single but , with Tinder, it seemed like the walls of dating sites had been broken down. Fuck all the match making and dating metrics, let’s judge a book by it’s cover. in my mind, it was Grindr for straight people. A place where low lives meet up, that’s slightly more respectable than craigslist intimate encounters at 5 am. Well, clearly, i was mistaken. Perhaps there was a time when Tinder was the meat market it was meant to be but those days are long gone. That said, seeing that I’m more on it for the social experiment aspect of it than then “having sex with strangers” aspect, it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve learned a lot. I figured it might be fun to tell you all what i’ve learned from Tinder….In list form! Also, just to be clear, this is just what I’ve seen as a guy. I’m sure what females see is truly fucking awful. For that reason, I plan on getting that perspective for a future installment. Stay tuned…

1)Women ,apparently, LOVE whiskey
I will say that , in about 4 out of every 10 profiles I check out, there is a girl bragging about how much she loves whiskey. Now, i know some girls in real life that enjoy a whiskey but it’s definitely not a point of introduction for any of them. This leads me to think that the women writing that they love whiskey are doing so as to put forth an image. An image of a girl who can hang with the BOYZ! On some “Oh, you prefer whiskey to a cosmo?!?! you must be the coolest fucking person on earth!”
Again, I have no issue with ladies enjoying whiskey, I just think it’s a weird trait to single out. It would be like promoting that you love a good steak or know how to fist fight. That’s cool and all but leading with that kinda thing as a defining characteristic is a little odd to me.

2)Transexuals look good these days
I swear to god and satan, the amount of times I’ve clicked on a pic to get a better look , to find out it’s a transexual is crazy. These ladies really put themselves together. Granted, once I realize there’s a second penis involved i don’t look much deeper but props to them for looking that good and also for being honest. A large portion of these trans ladies could easily fool most guys on tinder. Granted, that could result in harm on their person if they do it to the wrong guy but still, the honesty is refreshing.

3)People who write “No hook ups!” on tinder are fucking boring
Listen, this isn’t a real dating site. I mean, it is…but it’s the one where you judge people 100% off of their looks.Tinder is shallow on purpose. To sign up and be legitimately looking for a soul mate isn’t crazy, but it’s short sided. I understand the need to weed out the creeps only looking for sex on sight (as , I’m sure tinder is about 85% that, in terms of dudes) but the overtures towards meeting the love of your life on tinder are kinda ridiculous. I’m sure it can happen. I’m sure plenty of people met the love of their life on tinder. The same way plenty of people have met the love of their life drunk at a bar. I have a friend who’s been married for 12 years who met his wife as a one night stand. When he woke up, he didn’t remember her name. They’ve been together ever since. I’m just saying, setting up limits for yourself seems to defeat the purpose and, once again, this is Tinder. One of the lower forms of dating sites. I see that “No hook ups” I swipe left cause, clearly, you’re doing it wrong. Never forget…on tinder. It’s never THAT serious.

4)I am a type
This has probably been the most sobering realization for me. I swipe all sorts of girls. various races, sizes, hair colors. I don’t discriminate at all. Not to say I’m not selective , cause i am. But the matches I get have really clarified my target audience. That audience? Brown haired white girls. That’s it. occasionally a latina girl with sneak in there but, in general, that’s who swipes back at me. No blonde girls. No black girls. No asian girls. Just brown haired girls. I mean, I love me some brunettes and all but what the fuck? I need to start working out or something. Maybe wearing a suit all the time? Who knows…

5)The longer the profile, the less I care.
I got lots of respect for girls who don’t write a word in their profile. Mystery is good.
On the other side of things, we got girls who think a tinder profile is there chance to work on that novella they’ve been thinking about. Whether it’s faux deep quotes from famous people or a 4 paragraph synopsis of them as a person, it’s never interesting and it never doesn’t seem like some vapid assholes yearbook page. I have no issue with ones that are bullet points, cause that’s direct. But once they get into writing prose? I mentally check out in a way only known by those monks who meditate for weeks on end.

6)Pets are deal breaker
Now, it’s a known fact that I loath cats. That said, I don’t think a cat is a deal breaker. I mean, I’m allergic to them but it can be worked around. However, for some people, the first thing they write is that you must love cats or dogs. They often write this before they even admit to having a child or not. Pets are serious business!

You know what, on second thought, I think having a cat might actually be a deal breaker for me. Not as much as the girl having kids, but close.

7)People don’t know how to pick pictures
So many demented smiles. So many pics of the same two or more girls together so you have no clue who’s profile you’re looking at (here’s a hint it’s always the wackest looking one), so many pics of people making the exact same face , over and over until you question if the person is, in fact, a wax statue. I feel as though , with tinder pics, you can go one of two ways
a)put your best foot forward
b)be a little wacky
Doing “a” means putting a pic that looks like you but is flattering. I feel as though this is the obvious choice and it leads me to believe that a lot of people don’t realize how cracked out they look when they smile. This is where your friends should step in a maybe pick a picture for you.
If you do “b”, you’re very likely eliminating a huge portion of people who might swipe right but, then again, maybe you don’t want those shallow people liking you in the first place.
Also, it’s nice to see the old myspace camera trick of taking a pic from above that makes you look 70 pounds lighter is still in effect. I missed that.

8)no love in the dm’s
I haven’t really gone to hard with conversing with any of my matches. A few here and there. But, when I have, I have noticed that there is no room for bullshit. You say one thing they deem boring and the convo stops. In fact, that’s literally how every exchange I’ve had has gone. We go back a forth like 4 or 5 times and they girls checks out. Granted, I can’t say I’ve been interesting or charming (this whole thing is still a work in progress for me) but, man…they speed in which you can get cut off is incredible. No wonder dudes start the conversations with overt sexual harassment. I guess they figure they’re gonna get shut down anyway so they might as well swing for the fences. Granted, those guys are pieces of shit but, you know, I kinda get it on some level.

9)The beauty of misguided self awareness
In most profiles I read , a girl will refer to her dark sense of humor and how funny she is. Here’s a fun fact, no funny person has every promoted how funny they are. If you’re actually funny, you write funny things. That’s how that works. This isn’t just a female thing either, I’m sure guys do this just as much , if not more
I find this sort of baseless self promotion hilarious. To really believe it, I’mma need a few testimonials from acquaintances at the very least. Perhaps a picture of you in a clown suit? Something other than your word.

10)Tindering takes over your brain
I’m not the first person to say this but, after being on tinder for a few days, it starts to transfer into real life. Walking down the street, swiping in my mind. It’s like the grand theft auto of dating sites.
A funny thing about it all is that, in person, I’m far less picky. When you see a real breathing human in front of you, their nuances come out. The subtle attractiveness peeks through. Looking at pictures, you only get a vague idea. Sure, someone may be photogenic but maybe they’re a hunchback or they have an awful laugh. It’s really a dice roll. For that reason alone, i can only take tinder so seriously. I suppose that’s more a defense mechanism but still…in the world of cyber “dating”, you gotta be somewhat careful on all fronts.

The Top 10 things people write that make me swipe left
1) I belong to the lord
2)No hook ups
3)I have a penis
4)i have kids
5)a poem of some sort
6)when they give a checklist of what kind of guy you need to be
7)anything “sex in the city” related
8)Looking for a sugar daddy
9)Must love cats
10)Looking for my knight in shining armor

Answers for questions Vol. 249

Hello there and welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You ask it, i answer it. Why? Cause why not?
if you’d like to be a great human being and participate, jump on in. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Have fun with it. Get weird.
Okay, here’s this weeks batch.

assuming you had to be shrunken and live in a little submarine (which can have all the comforts of home) inside someone who would you choose and why? What would be the biggest problems for you? whats the best place inside a person to live?

I would preferably chose to live in someone healthy. I’d imagine living in someone who is sick all the time or who has terrible habits (drugs, eating like shit) would result in my day to day being more of a struggle. So, maybe I’d choose a tibetan monk. Someone who lives a simple , healthy life. That way, if i feel like heading down towards the stomach I don’t have to deal with the backlash of them just eating wings and drinking 8 beers. That would probably feel like a hurricane.
As far as the best place to live, I’m assuming I’m alone in there so it doesn’t really matter. I mean, I guess living by the eyes would make sense so at least I’d have something to look out of. Otherwise, I’m just looking at blood and innards all day. I just feel like the further north you live in the human body, the better. The stomach and asshole area can’t be that pleasant.

did you ever go to Scribble Jam?

Yes i did! I believe I went in 2000 or 2001. For those who don’t know, Scribble Jam was a small hip hop festival that took place in Cincinatti. Mr Dibbs was one of the Organizers along with Kevin Beachem (I believe).
The one year I went, I drove up with some atom’s Family dudes (Alaska, Wind N’ Breeze ) as well as Despot. In fact, He and I shared a hotel room.
We got to the grounds and it was like 100 degrees outside. I’m not sure what happened but I stepped out the car and basically fainted. Maybe I hadn’t been hydrating. So, that whole day I was kinda fucked up. I just stayed in the shade , trying not to pass out again. It kinda sucked cause I was all amped to get drunk and party with all the rap people I had been connected with via the internet for years. The next day, I felt a little better and was able to be outside. I watched the battle. I believe Maclethal won. Some Def Jux people were there. Slug was too. I don’t really remember many details from it but it was fun.
When I got home, I still felt odd and it turned out I had a relapse of Mono. I didn’t even know that was possible but that’s what the doctor told me.

This is a curious question that I wonder about for ALL guys in general, so I might as well ask you:

When you’re in public, do you ever see girls who you think look like your favorite pornstars? Also, do you have any female friends who remind you of someone you watch in porn?

Hmm…I mean, I may see a girl who reminds me of a porn star I seen but it’s never like “OH MY GOD!”. it should also be noted that, no matter how fond of a porn star I am, there’s a very low ceiling to my excitement level when seeing a girl who kinda reminds me of her.
With friends, it’s even less. Every now and then I’ll see a porn star that vaguely reminds me of a friend but that’s about it. Depending on my relationship with that female friend, I may skip her altogether or enjoy the scene extra due to the similarities. You never know!

Yo! What’s up Tony? Long time reader first time asking but, I’m curious about how a relatively recent tour stop in Kiev went for you. Was it as bad as media coverage makes it out to be? Did anybody mention anything about what was going?

Kiev was actually totally cool. Everyone was really nice and it definitely didn’t look like a place where there was a major uprising recently. I actually stayed right by where the major protests happened and it was completely clean and peaceful.
I asked a few people about it and no one seemed to rattled by it. Maybe they were trying to make it seem better than it was but, I dunno…If i didn’t know what was going on there a year earlier, I would have never guessed it had happened, based on how it looked when I was there.

Which sandwiches don’t work well with mayo?
Ice cream sandwiches.
Chicken parm hero’s
Prosciutto based italian sandwiches
Muffaletta sandwiches
I’m sure there are more but that’s all that come mind.
In general, mayo is the fucking best when added to a sandwich.

If you had the opportunity to time travel and prevent a major and horrific tragedy (say one 1950 or prior) or event from occurring, would you? If time travel becomes possible, would we be morally obligated to help out the people of past, or do you think once an event occurs we’re under no obligation to change it, even if we can?

I suppose killing hitler is the easy answer here but I don’t know if i could realistically kill a person. I’m iffy about the whole concept cause of the ripple effect. Sure, it could make things better but it could also cause all sort of other bullshit to spring off. On a selfish level, it could somehow result in me not being born. After all, my dad was in WWII and if that changed, I might not be around. I’m not a person who messes with things like that. I’m not a “rock the boat” type. I’d rather just mind my own business.
i think, if the technology existed and we started try to fix every bad thing that happened, it would become mayhem. We’d eventually be trying to fix everything. Peoples personal agendas would pop up and all of a sudden our whole history would be haywire and , most likely, the things we’d be fixing would be based on the whims of rich people. After all, who controls this sort of thing? The government? Yeah right.
The whole concept of going back in time to fix things is good on paper but, in reality, it would be a shit show of epic proportions.
Sometimes we just have to live with tragedies and mistakes. Sure, going back in time to tell people to not get on a plane that will crash is one thing but stuff on a larger , global scale? It’s just not that simple.

Answers For Questions Vol. 248

Hi there! Welcome to another thrilling week of “Answers for Questions”. Will the roller coaster even end?
Anyway, if you’d like to ask me stuff, please do! Send me questions to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comment section. Be creative. Be weird. Be curious. I’m open to anything.
Let’s check this weeks batch.

you seem like a pretty easy-going guy, were your parents like this?

I think I share a similar disposition as my mother. She’s fairly laid back. Not very confrontational. My dad was an artist and also about 75% deaf my entire life so it’s hard to say if he was easy going or just in his own world. Neither of my parents are/were hotheads though and that vibe definitely carried over to me.

I’ve been a kanye fan for a while now. He’s definitely not in my top five or even top ten for that matter, but I have respect for him as a producer and mc. I read an article recently on how he’s a genius and he completely changed the game. Personally I think people that agree with this statement haven’t heard good fucking hip hop. So I’m asking, what are your thoughts on kanye?

I like Kanye. I think he’s a good producer and an underrated rapper. He has made some great albums but he’s also kinda pretentious and , seemingly, a total ego maniac. I do not think he’s a genius. I believe he thinks he’s a genius though.
To me, he’s a guy with good taste and his ear to the ground. He doesn’t even really make his own beats anymore. I think he’s taken a more Quincy Jones/Dr Dre approach to producing. He’s surrounded himself with people in the know, much like many other huge pop stars who manage to stay relevant. So, as of now, one of his best qualities is knowing who to take cues from. That said, When he did make beats, he was a very good sample based guy. Right in my wheelhouse.
I think a thing that bothers me about him is that , if you’re gonna go around telling people you’re a genius and the king of music, you gotta back it up. sure, hits will back up that claim on some level but, as a rapper, the dude is just not that deep. And, to repeat, I like his rapping. But if you’re gonna rap about cars money and whores all day long I don’t know if I can give you that “genius” title. Unless he’s a genius of simplicity.
To be honest, i think the word “genius” gets thrown around and it really applies to very few musicians ever. Stevie Wonder was a genius. James Brown was a genius. Kanye is just a dude who’s really good at what he does.

How much is your mood affected when you’re out somewhere and your phone runs out of battery? (Not when you’re at an airport but when you’re in New York
I go through a few stages.
1)panic as my phone runs out
2)Worry that I’m going to miss an important text/call
3)acceptance that I gotta just deal with it
4)Relief that I’m disconnected for a while. Sure, if I see a chance to charge it, I’ll jump on it but there is something kinda nice about not having to check my phone all the time. I’m fully addicted to my phone so it’s kinda like a weight being released when my phone does die. It’s stressful if I actually need to do things or reach out to people but if I’m in a place where it’s not needed, it actually can be kinda relaxing (once the terror has fully washed over me).

As far as music you listen to; what are your guilty pleasures? What is the worst music you enjoy?
I don’t know if I believe in guilty pleasures. Cause that means you acknowledge what you enjoy is shitty. I mean, I could say the new Drake album is a guilty pleasure but, fuck that…it’s really good. Or I could point to some weird 80’s music from my youth but I don’t have shame about that. I’ve been on an 80’s r&b kick lately and I feel great about that. But, it’s not like I sit alone in a room .with headphones on, bumping Tiesto and cutting myself out of shame. That would make me feel really guilty. Luckily, that will never be a reality.

So I recently picked up the “Cut to the Chase” album on vinyl and for the record this is a fantastic album that I feel like everyone needs to listen to. Your tracks are obviously excellent standouts and Chase Phoenix continues to kill it on every track.

I am curious, and you may have covered this in previous posts, but, what is going with CP these days? Has there been anything released since “Cut to the Chase?” Will we be getting more, anytime soon? As I personally would love to hear some more jams.

For those who don’t know, Chase Phoenix is a rapper and one of my oldest friends. He put an album out called “Cut to the chase” in 2003 that I did a bunch of beats on. Songs like this and this
Anyway, He and I are still friends and he still does music here and there. Most recently he was in a group called Monday Morning high. I haven’t worked with him in years though. No reason really. We’re both pretty busy.

Have you ever seen other people having sex? Porn doesn’t count
Uh…yeah. So many times. I’ve seen people fucking in cars. I’ve seen people fucking on the beach. I’ve seen people fucking through their windows in apartment buildings. I’ve seen friends have sex. I’ve even seen two homeless people having sex in my buildings vestibule when I was a kid.
I’d say the most common thing I’ve seen is dudes hooking up on my block where I grew up. I lived on a street where there was a one block stretch that seemed to be a place where male prostitutes would do their business. Many a late night I have walked home, with the sun rising, to see a dude blowing another guy on a stoop. One time I saw a guy giving another guy a hand job and all I could think of was “Why do people give hand jobs?”.
I used to work at this bakery and I had to get there at 6 am some days to work. My walk there meant passing down this backstreet. I’d say I would see some sort of gay sexual act popping off about 40% of the time. So, yeah…I’ve seen some shit.

On a scale from 1-10…

How much of a hypochondriac are you?

How much of a gossip are you?

How superficial do you think you are with women?

Hypochondriac- 5
I’m very aware of my body and when something is wrong, I address it quickly but I also don’t sit around thinking I’m dying or that I have a rare disease.

Gossip- 9
I’m the worst. Thing is, I do live by a code of gossip. If someone specifically tells me to not tell anyone, I will abide. However, if you tell me some shit and don’t clarify that, you may as well put it on gawker cause I’m telling EVERYONE. Assuming it’s juicy and/or funny, that is.

Superficial with women- in terms of who I would have sex with? 8
In terms of just hanging and being a normal human being? 2
I’m not a guy who will fuck anyone. I have standards and personal taste. I think it would be weird to not be superficial about who you’re attracted to on some level. It’s not like i meet a girl who I’m 100% not attracted to and then, over time, I decide I am attracted to her cause she’s so cool. I’d simply be friends with that girl instead. Attraction to people can grow and diminish over time but it never comes from nowhere. At least, not with me.

Answers for questions vol. 247

Tally ho, bro.
Welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You, the readers, asked me questions and I obliged. If you’d like to be a part of this magic, i’d love it!
Email me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below.
Have fun with it. Get weird.
This week starts out with a brutal one…

Would you rather fuck a family member once, or wear one roller blade for the rest of your life?

What a great way to start my week. This fucking question.Now, could I pick the family member? I ask cause I have some distant relatives that I’m sure I could deal with having sex with if it meant I didn’t have to live life on one rollerblade. I barely know them and it may not even be illegal. That said, if it was an immediate family member, I’d have to go with the roller blade life. I’d probably kill myself after a week of that though.

Recently I went to a local burger joint, and this lady cut me in line. I had let the guy before me go because I was still making up my mind, and then she cut right in front of me even though I was now ready and approached the counter. When I confronted her she said “But I have my six year old with me!” like I should give a shit. Has this happened to you, and do you also pray a meteor destroys them and every self-important parent that expects special treatment? If I was the kid, I’d be so embarrassed.

Oh sure. I’ve dealt with entitled parents many times. I even wrote a whole rant about it.
I think the gist of it all is “hey, I didn’t make you have a kid. Your life choices are your own. So, while I’m not here to make your life harder , I’m also not responsible for your happiness. As long as I’m not harming or effecting your kid negatively, you have no right to tell me shit. By not having a kid I’m doing this over crowded planet a favor. You’d think people would let us non-breeders cut in line sometimes cause we’re the real heros”.

What does a guy like you in a long term relationship do to beat back the gravitational pull of new vagina?
Welllllll…I actually recently broke up with my girl but I can still answer this.
You just fight it. You ignore it. You jerk off a lot when needed. Whatever gets you through the day. I think it comes down to some people being wired to control themselves and others are not.
The thing about fucking girls is that, as easy as it can seem sometimes, there are rarely situations where you have to actively fend it off. I mean, I’ve had to cause I’m a touring musician but in normal life? Getting laid does take a little effort. If you simply don’t put in the effort, it won’t happen. It’s a safety net for all honest dudes in relationships.

as someone who lives/grew up there, how would you describe each borough/neighborhood of new york? what makes each one unique?
which neighborhood in new york is your favorite?

There’s no way I’m describing every neighborhood in NYC. That’s absurd. I can run through Manhattan though…

Upper west side: Family oriented, college kids and projects. Also, hospitals. It always bored me but I think fun can be had up there. Definitely have a lot of friends from there.

Upper east side: It sucks. Rich people, business people, yoga moms, nothing interesting. Irish bars filled with dudes in vertically striped button up shirts.

Hell’s Kitchen: I wouldn’t wanna live there but it’s got tons of good food.

Times square/midtown west- The fucking worst place on earth. No reason to ever be there unless you have to be or enjoy plays.

Midtown east/murray hill- Kinda like a cross between the upper east side and a frat house. Worst bars. Worst clubs. Worst basic motherfuckers. Some good food though.

Chelsea- It’s okay. Not that interesting. if you’re gay, it’s probably awesome though.

East village/alphabet city/Lower east side- Over run by NYU cornballs and finance dipshits who moved there to be cool BUT still has a little flavor, it’s cheaper than williamsburg and there’s fun shit to do all over there. The bar scene thrives.

West Village- I grew up there. It used to be cool. It’s basically a slightly cooler version of the upper west side now with much better food, stores and landmarks.

Soho- Euro trash

Tribeca- Rich people living a desolate life

Chinatown- Still stinks, literally but if you want chinese food, it’s clearly where you go. Also, by manhattan standards, somewhat affordable.

Financial district- unless you work down there or love the south street seaport, it’s totally worthless.

Battery park city- It’s got a pretty view but it’s way too expensive , considering it’s in the middle of nowhere.

I haven’t spent much time in Harlem or Washington Heights so i can’t really speak on them with any authority. The Heights seems like one of the last real neighborhoods in manhattan though.

As for my favorite, I do have a west village bias but the lower east side and east village are probably the areas I’m in most when I’m not home.

do you remember what you were doing exactly a week ago at this time?
Totally. I was writing the blog entry for last week. I’m methodical like that.

Will the Knicks ever be good again?
Not anytime soon. Until carmello is gone, I don’t see them making much noise. They need to destroy and rebuild completely and get some young players to work around.

Answers for questions Vol. 246

Hi there and welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You were kind enough to ask me questions so I obliged. If you’d like to join the never ending parade of queries, I’d love it. I always need more. Either send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Keep it weird. Keep it interesting. For the sake of me and the people reading this.
Okay? Great.
Here’s this weeks batch

Do you or have you ever had any friends who seriously practice a religion?

I have never seriously practiced religion. MY dad was jewish and mom is a WASP but neither of them took it that seriously. I think we tried to do passover one year but no one cared.
As for friends, sure. The most practiced religion I’ve seen has been judaism. I’ve known tons of people who are in that boat. I know a fair amount of practicing catholics as well, even though the number of those people who take it very seriously is admittedly small. Some Muslims as well but them I honestly didn’t meet until I was a little older.

In general, though, I wasn’t raised in an environment where religion was a big deal. It wasn’t shit on or anything, it just was kinda there , in the distance. Something some people decided to do. When I left NYC and traveled around the country more, that really exposed me to how big a deal it really was. All I can say is, I’m very glad I’m where I’m from cause I don’t get the appeal of religion, in general.

Are there any smells that you don’t like that most people think are pleasant?
I don’t know if people think it’s particularly pleasant but the smell of beets make me wanna barf. I hate them. I hate how they taste too. I hate that, if you eat them, you might have red shit later that day and that’s terrifying. So, yeah, beets. Fuck’em.

From the tv show LOUIE, which scene of “The Road” episode did you relate to the most?
Oh man. Those episodes were very relatable to me. I can’t say there is one scene that was like “THAT IS ME!!!!” but the general loneliness he portrayed was spot on. Traveling alone, lugging bags around and staying in hotels every night is not fun. Eating alone. You’re like a traveling salesman but with fans.
The part about the chatty driver was pretty relatable too but Louie was kind of a dick to that guy. I’m much friendlier than that, even though that would have been kind of annoying.

Do you ever get scared of global warming? Every time I look at the news lately I hear about how Alaska didn’t have a winter, or how temperatures are continuing to soar worldwide. It seems like Earth is becoming less inhabitable, yet people continue to have kids who will A) face these problems in the future and B) make it worse by taking up more space/resources. I’m starting to think that we as humans can’t stop ourselves from expanding, and we’ll keep doing it whether we should or shouldn’t, until the Earth can’t hold us anymore. And this makes me think I should prepare for a flood or some shit, go out and buy a lifeboat/gun/provisions when i’m broke as fuck, which makes me feel like a certified lunatic. What’s your view on it all?

I certainly don’t think about as much as you do. I’m not gathering my belongings and preparing for armageddon just yet. Seems a touch premature. I think we’re a few hundred years away from having to live like road warriors. That said, I do think about it as far as the future goes. It does make having children seems kinda bleak to me. I do think people need to stop having so many fucking kids and just chill cause the earth is undoubtedly running out of resources. I think what worries me most is the prospect of storms in the immediate future. I was here for when NYC blacked out for a week and it was crazy. That could easily happen again and worse.
The way I see it, we’re doomed but anyone reading this will be long dead by the time that’s a reality. So, yes, it’s scary but our generation will probably never have to see the damage we have truly done to the world. Our kids? They might catch the beginnings of it and that’s really unfortunate.

I have weird standards when it comes to music. I seldom buy an album from an artist unkown to me if the cover art doesn’t appeal to me. Same goes for alcohol. It’s gotta have a label that I want to look at or have sitting around the house, if I’m buying it. If it’s free, I’ll drink whatever. I guess I’m silly like that.

All your releases have great covers, which is a bonus. How involved are you with the (visual) artists or artwork?

…and do you think that makes me an asshole?

My involvement ranges from just giving a thumbs up to actually coming up with the idea and having an artist execute it. In terms of album covers, I’ve come up with an idea and the artist did it. At least for every album after “Music by cavelight”. That artwork was very much guided by the people at Ninja tune. Which is fine…I like that cover.
Side note, the cover to “The music scene” was actually some artwork my man Owen Brozman did. When I saw it it just kinda clicked as being perfect for the album. So, I certainly can’t take credit for that idea.

For videos, I’ve been kinda hands off. I’ve only had a few though so it’s not a constant thing I’ve dealt with. All I’m required is a thumbs up when it’s finished.


You seem to see yourself as a really consistent guy in terms of how you live. Is there anything that you’re NOT consistent about?

Hmm…my work ethic? I’ve reached a point in my career where I’m not overwhelmed with desire to constantly be creating. I make stuff fairly regularly but I slip in and out of work modes. It’s on a week to week basis.
Other than that, I’m admittedly a person who lives in a routine. I feel it’s because my day to day lacks to much structure that I impose some on myself just to keep things in order.

have you ever sold drugs?
Nope. My record is clean. I bought them though.

Answers for Questions Vol. 245

Hi there and welcome to a new edition of “Answers for Questions”! You sent me your questions and I did the natural response to that. If you’d like to ask me anything, email me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR simply leave them in the comment section below. Be creative. Be weird. Just don’t be basic. I’ve been doing these Q and A’s for years now so I’ve got the simple shit covered.
Anyway, let’s see what we got this week…

If you could produce one of those Viagra commercials with all rappers, who would you choose?

Would they rap in it or act in the commercial? Either way, if it’s viagra, we’re talking old rappers. I think what I might do is get all the pioneer dudes. Like the Pre-Run DMC era guys. Having Grandmaster Kaz and cold crush rap about their broken dicks would be pretty amazing.

Do you ever meet people at your shows that are clearly on drugs? If so, is it interesting to talk to them or does it get annoying?
ummm…yeah dude. every show I’ve ever done. Molly heads, acid, coke, weed, Special K, and whatever else you can think of.
Honestly, the drunk people are the worst to deal with of all cause they’re aggressive and stupid. But talking to anyone who’s totally fucked up on something while you are not fucked up is generally tolerable for a minute but then extremely annoying. It loses it’s amusement quick when you realize this person isn’t going to leave you alone and they’re not making any sense.
Can’t say I’ve ever spoken to a person who was high as fuck at one of my shows and left the convo enlightened. That simply never happens. High people are only interesting if you’re high too.

If you could choose between having the Eraserhead baby as a child or Roseanne Barr as your girlfriend who you must have sex with at least once a day for the rest of her life, which would you do?

I’mma go with the Eraserhead baby. That would be rough but at least, life would go on. Having to be married to and have sex with Roseannne would not work for me on any level and it’s a lifetime contract? Fuuuuuuuuckkkk that. An eraserhead baby can still live a happy and productive life.

Do questions regarding existence ever trouble you? Why are we here? Can we ever know the true nature of anything? Does anything have meaning? Why do anything at all? Should we ignore these questions because it’s unsettling to think about them or should we all pause, whatever it is we’re doing, and figure this out before moving forward?

I don’t bother myself with questions like that cause there will never be definitive answer. I could sit around all day and ponder but, when that day would be over, I’d be exactly where I started. It just seems pointless.
Does anything have meaning? Sure. Every persons life has meaning…to them. But on a larger scale, I don’t doubt that anything we do really matters. This planet could be a dry and lifeless husk in the next 500 years for all we know. I’d rather just live my life then waste time trying to solve a riddle with no answer.

What according to you is the role of an artist? Also, does an artist need to define themselves by a certain set of values and principles, or should they simply be themselves and not worry about how they are perceived?

The only role an artist has is to create their art. Everything else secondary.
As for how they define themselves, that’s up to them. Some artist relish in being able to title what they do. Others don’t even think about and think labels are pointless. I lean towards the latter.
Personally, I think artists should just do what they do and not worry about things outside of their process. While this isn’t the healthiest way to make a career/money , it’s best for the art itself.

Have you ever had public sex?
I’ve hooked up in cars before. Gotten head in a bathroom. But, like out in the open sex?
Only time I ever did that was one a beach when I was pretty young. It’s wasn’t so much romantic as it was the only place two teenagers could go to be able to have sex. It was….sandy.

Would you rather kiss a dog or a cat on the mouth? (sorry)

First off, fuck you.
Secondly, a dog. I only say this cause I’m much less allergic to dogs than I am cats. That said, I’m not putting my mouth anywhere near a dogs mouth. I’m not that guy. That’s some truly white dude shit that I don’t subscribe to. Like people who kiss their parents dead on the mouth when they greet them. What the fuck is wrong with you?

So through instagram I found a picture you liked of a posse cut (Meditation) by somebody named Jak Progresso. I looked him up and bought his album Random Violence within ten minutes of listening to it. Later I realized you had produced the beat for the song, which I guess is how you know him. Can you shed any more light on this guy? How did you meet him? He seems like the most underground rapper ever and freestyles while he is peaking on acid. And he raps about killing women in almost every song. Never heard anyone like him before.
I met Jak a long time ago through Lodeck. He was in the Johnny 23 Crew. I used to go to the bronx and record songs with some of those guys in early 2000’s. I don’t think I ever worked on a solo song with Jak but he was definitely on a few tracks I made. He’s crazy. I mean, his rapping. First time I heard him I didn’t really know what to think. He rapped in a very underground way but , topically, he was on some Necro shit…but different. He rapped from the perspective of a literal serial killer. While Necro was more of a pimp/drug dealer , Jak was a dude talking about hiding in someones crawl space for a week and then murdering them. He did it in a really interesting and funny way though. The only album of his I ever got into heavily was Random Violence but it’s got some amazing songs on it.
I haven’t seen him in forever but I think he does some battles now. Not sure if he’s still on the same tip, but he’s a super creative and weird guy so I could see that actually really working on the battle circuit.
Here are few moments of his I always fucked with pretty heavy

Answers for Questions vol. 244

Whattup y’all. Welcome to this weeks edition of Answers for Questions. You asked so I answered. I’m good like that. If you’d like to ask me anything, this is your chance. Get silly with it. Either email me the questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
or leave them in the comment section of this very post! Have fun with it and don’t be boring!
This weeks collection is a nice variety of subject. Dig in and enjoy!

As an older hip-hop enthusiast i find it harder to find more music i’m into since most of the sites i went to for new music are shutting down. I was wondering if you could steer me towards some blogs or sites that cater to more indie hip-hop, not like hiphopdx or anything. I usually come across things on my own but would never of found Spark master tape if it wasn’t for your blog. So I was wondering what your go to sites are, or if you had any interest in doing something to point out more artists your blog besides yay or nay?
Honestly, it’s not easy. I find out about new artists a few ways.
The most common one is word of mouth. Someone I know and trust will email me something and I’ll check it out. The second way is through this site philaflava.com. They have a message board I’ve been frequenting for a while and some of the people there are fairly on point so they have put me on to all sorts of stuff. In general, they’re usually a few months ahead of the curve. Like they put me on to Earl Sweatshirt about 4 months before Odd Future became something most people were even talking about. The third way is through social media. My facebook and twitter. It’s rare but , every now and then, someone will post some shit I was unaware of and that will point me in a good direction.
But, in general, i don’t really frequent any blogs for new music cause, honestly, it’s too much to keep up with.
I’ll tell you the way it’s never worked: Someone spamming me with their music. Twitter, facebook, email. If i don’t know you and you send me stuff, I will never ever ever ever listen to it. I don’t think I’m alone in that so, that’s just a heads up to all budding artists who use that method. Please stop. It’s annoying as fuck.

Which black and yellow shirt have you been seeing more of in public: Wu-Tang or Batman?
Wu-tang by far. I wrote a who post about it a while back:
On a side note, if I can date myself a little, I clearly remember when the very first batman movie came out. It was the biggest deal ever. EVERYONE wore those fucking Batman shirts. It felt like 2 out of every 5 males between the ages of 8 and 17 was rocking a batman shirt. To this day, I’ve never seen anything so popular. But, then the backlash came and that shirt become to sign of an out of touch loser or a comic book nerd. Funny how that works.

Where do you stand on LeBron? He’s obviously created a dynasty but there are tons of people that cast stones. What’s your take?

Lebron is one of the greatest ever. Anyone who denies that is hating for the sake of hating. I don’t love him as a person (based on how he portrayed in the media) but , whatever…i don’t like Kobe either but you can’t deny the dudes talent.
Lebron is also a dude who done the most with the least, teammate wise. He’s made it to the final 3 times with absolute shit shows of teams. The fact he got two games off golden state this year is nuts.
I’m curious how his game will age as he’s based so much on his physical gifts and not his shooting touch but he’s clearly a hall of famer and one of the best to ever do it.

Obviously “high fashion” is some shit that it’s way beyond you. But, if you could dictate a ludicrous fashion trend what would it be?
(I attached this hilarious article about NBA fashion cuz it’s fucking funny)

I’ve said it before but I’m fully ready for 8 ball jackets to come back. Not in the hipster ironic way they’ve been threatening to come back. I’m talking like it’s actually cool and fashionable with no pretension to rock an 8-ball jacket. That would be my shit. I wouldn’t even wear one cause I’m not that fashionable.
If we’re talking about something I’d have to invent? I think I’ve mentioned this before but a shirt made entirely of sponge would be my move. the perfect summertime outfit.

Have you considered buying a big mean pit bull and training it to piss on dudes rocking open toed shoes?

While that would be fun, I have not. As much as i frown upon people wearing open toed shoes in urban areas, I don’t actively wanna make their lives terrible. I don’t REALLY care. Besides, if you’re walking around NYC with open toed shoes all day, dog piss is probably the cleanest thing touching your feet on a regular basis.
Also, why a pitbull? Do other dogs not piss?

What classic 90’s catch phrase are you eager to bring back?
I still say “dope” sooooo….that one?
I’ve always been a fan of calling people “herbs”. That one just feels right.

If you were a competitive eater what food would you dread eating the most?
I’m assuming you’re referring to foods that competitive eaters actually eat. it’s not like people competitively eat bull dicks and liverwurst. So…let’s see…hot dogs, chicken wings and pie seem to be the main things people eat. I love wings. I’m cool with hot dogs. Pie…not a fan. I don’t like warm fruit and, in general, fruit filling isn’t that great to me. So, pie eating would pose the biggest issue. Also, the way they eat those pies in the contests is pretty terrible. Face down in a pie, hands behind the back. Fuck all that noise.

If you could produce a “super group” of your favorite obscure rappers who would you want on your team?
I mean, most of them I already know. Billy woods, open mike eagle, Marq Spekt Homeboy sandman. Those types. but, if i had to go outside of my circle…
I’d pick Vince Staples, Michael christmas, KA,Tree, Jay Electronica, Your old droog and Shirt. Now, keep in mind, that group wouldn’t work stylistically at all but those are some of my favorite rappers nowadays.

Do you really think Good Charlotte is a great band?
Lord no. Why would you ever think I thought that. Oh wait…I know.