Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spews all sorts of info all day. Some of it is valid, some is useless, other stuff is totally debatable.
Uberfacts, how do they work? I like to imagine a few dudes in a cubicle just making shit up but I suppose there is a science to it all. I like to bring a few of their facts to light as discuss them like an adult would.

I remember when I first went to college, I was exposed to all sorts of new lifestyles. Like, i knew what a vegetarian was but a vegan? Never seen that before. (Keep in mind,this was the early/mid 90’s). The most shocking lifestyle choice I came across at that time was the straight edge people. A bunch of white dudes from the suburbs with shaved heads and x’s drawn on their hands. Looking at them, they were seemingly a bunch of skinheads who went clubbing the night before. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There was a straight edge guy on my floor in my dorm and I just kinda assumed he was a punk rock kid. Little did I know that his whole existence was not drinking smoking, doing drugs and…having sex. That one threw me for a loop. I realize not all straight edge guys follow that last part but this guy was dedicated. I remember, sitting in the common area of the dorm just grilling him about it all. Not trying to be a dick but generally curious that someone would choose this lifestyle. Beyond just that, that someone would promote it, as opposed to just living that way a shutting up about it. I mean, I drank in high school, but I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I also barely had any sex but that wasn’t cause I was making a statement, it’s cause I was a teenaged coward. I remember speaking to this guy like “Wait, so why not just don’t do those things and live your life? Is the fashion statement necessary?” He came back with some convoluted response about society and how he’s taking a stand. I dunno. I kinda checked out to be honest.

I bring all that up cause , seeing the word “Sapiosexual” all over Tinder had me scratching my head in a similar fashion. I am totally out of the loop with some of this dating site lingo. I quickly learned that TS means transexual but, outside of that, I kept seeing Sapiosexual pop up and thought it mean maybe it was a person who fucked food or a person who was only turned on by cavemen. So, I looked it up and learned it was people who are sexually attracted to intelligence. Oh….okay. So, basically, on this dating site based on peoples looks, these people are here to tell us nothing gets them wetter than a beautiful mind. Now, I’m in no way saying people aren’t attracted to intelligence. I mean, shit, didn’t Stephen hawking cheat on his wife? That’s real deal. But I’mma need these tinder Sapiosexuals to cut the bullshit. Lemme see them , swiping some dude in a lab coat who looks like George Costanza. I have the sneaking suspicion that, by intelligence, they mean a tall , handsome dude with a beard who knows a little about craft beer and has a decent mind for movie trivia. Cause none of these hipster girls that put that in their profile are hanging outside college laboratories in tiny skirts looking for mr. right. Sorry nerds. Sapiosexuality is a cute idea and, on some level, it exists but it’s some false hope for all those truly brilliant, socially retarded types out there looking for love. I’d imagine it’s like real gluten allergies. Only 2% of the people who claim it ACTUALLY have it.

This is one of those “Man, I am outta touch” moments. I thought Wiz Khalifa was just that dude who made “black and yellow” then he kinda slipped into the background. Artists like him, Tyga, Meek millz…I don’t know a single person who actively listens to their music. And, if I did, I’d be like “Why?” Nothing against their music. It’s, um…fine I guess. But when people settle for the most basic shit out there, it makes me wonder if they realize they have options. All those dudes are lamer versions of better musicians. Why not just listen to the good version? No one’s putting a gun to your head and forcing you to like anything. The fact Wiz holds a record for most plays anywhere is insane. More than Kanye? More than Drake? Hell, more than Mumford and sons? It’s just not something I woulda seen coming. While I’d like to dismiss this all as classic Uberfacts bullshit, it’s probably true and I blame teenagers. I always blame teenagers. You motherfuckers are the worst.

Man, those are some good odds. I’m not one of them, as I can barely touch my toes but, hey, more power to you if you are. This all raises the question: If you could, would you suck your own dick? I think it deserves a poll.

Now, sucking your own dick is a tricky topic. First off, even if you can do, I can’t imagine rolling yourself up in a ball a scarfing down your own cock would be very comfortable. Secondly, it really challenges a mans sexuality. It’s your dick, but it’s still a dick in your mouth. Is that gay? I dunno. I’m sure some will argue that it’s no different than jerking off but I’d say that’s short sighted. Hands and mouths are different things. Like, for instance, if you have to wipe your ass using your mouth (somehow) I’d imagine we’d live in a world of bidets everywhere. The act of fellating yourself has two parts, the beginning and the end. I feel most dudes would give that first part a whirl cause , hey, it probably feels great if you can remove the thought that you are, in fact , sucking a dick. That second part though…that’s the test. Do you bust in your own mouth? Surely that’s a line being crossed. Do you give yourself a facial? I’d think an enlightened man might do it just to put himself in the position of a female for once. Also, what if a dick in your mouth just feels “right”? I feel as though sucking your own dick is a pandoras box for any man who’s even remotely confused with his sexuality. In a way, it could be a way of learning about yourself. I bet that’s a scary prospect. Either way, I’m glad I can’t touch my toes.

(Side note: If you have sucked your own dick, I wanna interview you. I’m 100% serious. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com and I’ll send you some questions. It will 100% anonymous when I post it and I will never give up your name in any way. This is a fascinating thing that could make for an amazing article. Don’t be shy. Let’s talk, bro. )

Ohhhh, Uberfacts spilling those beans! Uberfacts all by the water cooler , coyly sipping their coffee, darting glances both ways before leaning in to say “girl, did you hear about Nicole? She said her and Tommy never felt right!” *giggles insue*.
I feel it should be noted that the word “claims” should never be used in something that’s based on “facts”. I don’t doubt Nicole Kidman was never comfortable with Tom Cruise. Arranged marriages will do that to you. But, I dunno, maybe Uberfacts needs to bring it in a little. Stick to telling me that a group of bears is called a “slurth” (i made that up) or that the average teenager ingests a gallon of sperm before they reach 18 (also, made up). At least that’s based on some reality. Talking about an actresses feelings? Come on, Uberfacts, EVEN you are better than that.

Uberfacts is a twitter profile that vomits up “facts” all day. sometimes enlightening, sometimes moronic, there is no filter on what they post. So, every now and then I like to shine a spotlight on some of my favorite ones and discuss them. For better or for worse. So, what’s up #uberfacts? Learn me!

First off, what? In classic Uberfacts fashion they pull a “fact” out that could not possibly be proven. What did they do? Go to fucking Ireland and notice everyone was have sex? So, while I deem this study to be total bullshit I see what they’re doing here. Yes, it’s all part of the ginger propaganda machine. For years, gingers have been the focus of ridicule and scoffed at as sexual beings but , now, it is there time to take back the night (cause they shouldn’t be in the sun during the day, obviously).
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there has been a shift in opinion worldwide about redheads. Now, to be fair, there have always been attractive redheads. Jessica rabbit, Molly Ringwald, that guy from that thing. It’s crazy to say there hasn’t been. But in the last few years I’ve noticed gingers not only gain more acceptance but actually become hot commodities. From Ron Howard to his hot daughter. That’s the transition.
These trends of physical traits have been going on for a while. Remember when girls having really short hair got very popular? Or how bout when being an extremely skinny man was the way to be? What about the whole “beard” thing that’s going on? Or how popular fat asses are? It’s as if the world decides “this is what’s gonna be big right now…”. Well, the ginger illuminate got their wish cause I’ll be damned if I haven’t heard an abundance of men and women comment on how hot gingers are lately.
It’s funny cause just a few years ago, they were looked as mostly hyper pale, dead behind the eyes freckle monsters, devoid of souls (Anyone who saw the South park episode knows what I’m talking about) but now? That alabaster skin spackled with dashes of melanin is what’s popping. Who knew?
Anyway, I’m sure it sounds like I’m bashing them but I’m really not. Hot people are hot. Redhead or whatever. I’ll just start to worry when girls start wanting to fuck Alfred E. Neuman looking ass dudes simply cause their hair is red. That will be worse that the chinless beard dudes getting primo vagina cause they were smart enough to cover up their awful faces with hair.

I’m not posting this to deny it. In fact, I don’t doubt that’s actually pretty tame for what Japan offers, in terms of bizarre candy. I really just wanna discuss how weird some japanese shit is to us americans and wonder “Do they feel the same way about us?”.
Like, when japanese people come to the states and see sour cream and onion chips, are they like “WTF??!?!!?”. When they watch our gameshows, do they scratch their head at how simple and boring they are? When they see our porn, are they like “First off, eww…you can see the penetration but secondly, where are all the squids? What is this amateur hour shit!?”
It’s amazing how far two cultures can be from each other yet still garner obsession from both sides. For instance, it doesn’t shock me to me that japanese people see hip hop and turn it into this crazy things where they grow dreads and dye their skin. That’s teenaged rebellion I think everyone can relate to. Sure, they go that extra mile but it makes sense. Same way some americans will get deep into Anime and basically become japanese teenagers.
As much crazy shit goes on in japan (I mean, they have used panties vending machines there, for christ sake), the culture of junk food has always fascinated me. Every culture has their own thing. But, in most cases, it translates in some way. I mean, shit, we’re dealing with sugar here. how weird can it get? Apparently, very weird. Soy sauce and chocolate. It just doesn’t make sense. so part of me believes that no one actually eats and enjoys these treats. They exist simply to exist. It’s not that different from artisanal ice cream makers who try and pull off flavors that have no business existing. “Hey penelope, you really must try this blue cheese , waffles and vegemite ice cream I made!” It’s like japanese but a million times more pretentious.
i guess what I’m trying to say here is that all cultures have their weird ideas. We’re all the same, guys! just kidding. We are nothing alike. But, that’s okay.

Say word?
I’ve seen many caterpillars in my life and I have yet to see one shoot it’s shit in the air. Are these caterpillars like the “squirters” of the caterpillar community? There has to be slow motion super close up footage of this somewhere. National geographic should be all over it. Please, dear reader, find me a clip and post it in the comments. I need to witness this. Otherwise, it just sounds like something a guy at uberfacts made up. If that is the case, I’m not even mad at it. Making up facts for random creatures is kinda genius. Like, did you know that when an Ocelot is frightened it gives it’s predator a case of pink eye using only mind power? It’s crazy, right. #uberfact.
Did you know that when a female flamingo is aroused, it’s labia lips rub together like cricket legs but somehow create a sound that sounds strikingly familiar to the Miami Vice theme song? It’s true. #Uberfacts
It’s a little know fact that, when they are born, turtles have the innate sense of understanding human sign language but, as they age, they forget it. #uberfacts
Emotionally, there is not an otter alive who isn’t at least slighty bi-polar. #uberfacts

I could do this for days. In fact, it makes me want to create a fake uberfacts account just to do it. But, alas, I’m lazy and who cares? instead, I’mma go into a youtube wormhole and not leave until I see caterpillar shit shooting through the sky like the worlds grossest fireworks.

Uberfacts is a lovely little twitter profile that posts “facts” all day. They range from actual truths to completely made up bullshit. I like to spotlight some of their tweets as a means to open a dialogue. A one man dialogue. So really, more like a soliloquy. Whatever it is, it’s a chance to rant about some random stuff, which is always fun for me in the mornings.

This is not really a case of “Sounds like a load a of bullshit, uberfacts!”. In fact, I believe this 100%. I more wanna just point out how enraged the US would be if they did this to us. Can you imagine? All the social injustice going on right now and , I guarantee , the news would stop even pretending to care about baltimore and break a story that the internet will be off for a few hours a night from here on out. Not only would there be a spike in teen suicides but I think the entire nation would riot. People would be running up in their Time Warner, Comcast and Fios affiliates and flipping tables. The scorned masturbators alone would be enough to have to bring in the national guard. It would seriously be the end of life as we know it and probably result in some mad max like scenario where rebels drive around in armed trucks , fondling their laptops, looking for the last remaining WiFi signals after 3 am. The only place you could go for any internet will be airports where they still charge you $9.99 for a Boingo hotspot that is a shoddy connection, at best. That is not a world we should ever live in.

To be honest, I don’t even know how these other places do it. Eastern europe? Asia? Those are some internet using motherfuckers. You would think the online gaming community alone would have already run up on these crackers in their city halls. Or, perhaps, they have some perspective on this that we never could. I’m sure it’s a money saving move and not for the betterment of their countries but still…it’s bold as fuck.

Oh did it? Did a new study also discover that cocaine makes shy people chatty? This is another one of those “Why even do this fucking study, bro?” studies. Being drunk makes people a lot of things. Happy, sad, lonely, social, angry, horny, etc…For many people, getting drunk is like eating a super mario mushroom for their emotions. Whatever they’re feeling that day, will be amplified. Some people are good drunks. Some people are always bad drunks. Those bad drunks tend to be sitting on some issues that rear their ugly heads when that drunken force field is down. So, regardless of the mood of that day, a few shots with release the kraken and the kraken sucks to be around.

In the case of “Spiritual” people, this is not surprising at all to me. I’ve met some people who claim to be spiritual beings who are seething cauldrons of rage. If you think about it, it makes sense. someone who goes out of their way to be “spiritual” (not to be confused with any religion) is looking for a deeper meaning in life. They’re looking for inner peace. Which means, in reality, they probably don’t have that inner peace. In reality, they’re probably bubbling over with anger, confusion , anxiety and all sort of other shitty feelings we all have on a daily basis. But, they try to suppress it. That’s where booze comes in. It’s the ultimate finder in the game of emotional hide and seek. Oh, you’re harboring some petty disdain for a friend of yours over some bullshit that happened 5 years ago? Well, booze found that hiding under the bed and , 6 drinks in, it’s out the bag and you can’t control yourself. All the yoga, meditation and enlightened readings in the world can’t save you.

It’s funny cause, over the years, I’ve been able to travel a lot and meet all sorts of people. One type of person I’ve learned about is the “Angry hippie”. In my mind, this doesn’t make sense but, man…they’re everywhere. My advice to them would be to smoke more weed and drink less booze. Not cause one is better than the other but cause, clearly, that underlaying rage need not be stirred. Unless you wanna go see a shrink or something. That I fully recommend cause, hey, some people really need that shit.

Yes , Uberfacts, dumb kids become dumb adults.

This is something I learned far too late in life. When you’re a child, you kind of assume adults are smarter than you. which is good cause, in general, they are. They have experience and perspective that a kid simply doesn’t gain during their short time on earth. However, I’ll never forget the first time I realized that adults can be morons too. That , just cause you’re older, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically an authority on anything. To be clear, I’m a huge proponent to respecting your elders. No matter who it is. That said, there is no shortage of completely moronic fully formed adults. You know that kid you knew in high school who was a complete fucking idiot frat boy dickhead? Guess what? It’s 20 years later and he’s still that same piece of shit. Only difference is that he has a job and family now. He’s most likely raising shitty kids cut from the same shitty cloth and the cycle will never end.

Some closed minded , angry little 8 year old isn’t guaranteed to be an angry little homophobic racist when he gets older but he’s definitely “more likely” than they mellow,open minded kid who drew unicorns in class all day. The sad thing about this all is that it can entirely be traced back to the parents. Dumb adults create dumb children. It goes on for generations. Luckily, there are some kids that can rise out of a household of morons and somehow find their way to the light. Hats off to them. They’re really the ones who might tip the scales in a positive way later on.

Man…I’m not a conspiracy theorist at all. I don’t believe anything. So, when my facebook wall is flooded with all this “facebook can see into your soul!!!” propaganda I just ignore it. In reality, it’s probably true. Facebook is a monster. A nosey monster who’s all up in your shit. But they aren’t selling your status updates to the NSA. They’re just marketing on a level we can’t even comprehend. We are all stats to them. People losing their shit over facebook using their profiles for this or that have a serious lack of understanding how unimportant they are individually. Facebook doesn’t care about your baby pics or what the sunrise looks like in Bali. Facebook wants to know what TV you’re watching and what restaurant you ate at last night. It could care less about your food pic, but if you tag where it was taken? Cha-ching! This is not the illuminati. It’s a billion dollar company that’s trying to make more billions. So, while it may be invading your privacy, it’s goal isn’t to take over the world. It’s simply to know where to post that pizza hut ad versus a more local only pizzaria that might appeal to you and people like you. Cause you are just a number in a file report. You’re not even a real person.

All that said, when I read shit like this uberfact it’s a little unnerving. WTF facebook? Don’t you know I write all my best racist jokes as status updates but then never send them cause, you know, sometimes you gotta just write it out to expel those demons, right? But seriously, this is lame on both ends. It’s weird that facebook can do that but also weird that people would be THAT bothered by it. I’m sure all it amounts to is facebook getting to see a shit load of insecure thoughts that never got published or bad jokes that the writer wisely opted out of posting. I highly doubt it’s catching some terrorist who was about to post some inflammatory rant but then was like “Eh, not today…”.

So, yeah, just accept that facebook is all up in your business but also recognize that facebook doesn’t give a fuck about you or your thoughts. Btw, if you really want to be kept out of things, stop hashtagging. That alone invites all sorts of attention into your life. Better yet, you want some privacy? Get off facebook. Buy a burner phone and go live in the woods. Only then can you be truly off the grid and safe from Mark Zuckerberg.

Twitter is a fun place to release brain farts into the ether. It’s also a fun place to complain to strangers about said brain farts. But sometimes, the human brain requires more. Better food for thought. Perhaps, I wanna learn something every now and then. That’s where Uberfacts comes in. I don’t know who runs it. I don’t know who does their research. All i know is that @Uberfacts is source of some of the most interesting and highly debatable “facts” ever known to man. For that reason, it’s one of my favorite “people” on twitter to follow. So much knowledge. So much made up, completely bullshit knowledge. But, if you’re at all a smug, know it all kinda person, Uberfacts is your friend. I figure I’d take this time out to show you guys some “facts”. And perhaps discuss them. Now, keep in mind, I don’t know shit. These things could very well be true. All of them. OR, they could be completely made up. I’m far too lazy to research any of the claims and , also, who cares? But, let’s take a peak for the fun of it…

Oh really, Uberfacts?!?! I’m sure a persons will to live lessens when there is no one else to live for. That said, I don’t recall anyone getting cancer from loneliness, nor do I recall Diabetes being caused sitting alone in your parents basement playing world of warcraft. That said, 15 cigarettes isn’t THAT many a day, compared to people who really put down a pack or two a day. So, perhaps, being a lonely person who sits in their own filth and eats 5 sleeves of Oreos a day is worse for you than smoking and being obese. But basic loneliness? If that was the case, there’d be a lot more dead crazy old cat ladies. Those broads live to be , like, 200.

So, in other words, Wiz Kalifah keep his left shoe on all the time, right? Get it!??! he’s never in the zone! ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Side note, this is probably true and that’s fucking hilarious.

This is one of those Uberfacts I’d show people and be like “See! I’m not an impatient dickhead! I’m just a happy and confidant person!” as I aggressively weave in and out of crowded streets with a look of disdain on my face..
The problem with this “fact” is a similar problem to many “facts” stated by uber. What was the study on this? How’d they figure that out? Did they take 100 people and time them while they walked, then do a psychological test after to gauge their happiness and confidence? i’mma guess they didn’t. I’d venture to say uberfacts research on that was, at most , “Hey, look at that guy walking fast and smiling…”.
Still, I ride for this one cause it applies to me. Regardless of how completely full of shit it may be.

Finally…this seems legit. And it’s something I could see actual studies done on. Sleep research is boundless and they pretty much cover everything. So, this being a thing makes all the sense in the world. It’s also another one that plays nicely into my own personal agenda. I’m a very anti-snooze alarm. it makes no sense to me. Why wake up earlier just to get 20 more minutes of shitty sleep when you can just set your alarm to the time you have to get up , without the interruption? I get that people need to be revved up in the morning but I refuse to believe people who hit the snooze button 5 times are better rested. And uberfacts got my back, bro.

Panda Porn? Really? I’mma need WAY more details on Panda Porn ,uberfacts. Where is it made? is there backstory to the scenes? Do pandas have multiple sexual positions? How deep does it get, fetish , wise? Who directs these porns? Do other animals have similar porn? Do animals understand what porn is? Feel free to take your time and answer all these questions. It’s cool, uberfacts, I can wait.

I don’t wanna take the wind out of the sails on this one cause, really, if I can blame me being an asshole on something other than me simply being an asshole, i will. however, “IMS” simply sounds like me when I’m really hungry. If that’s the case, I get “IMS” a few times a day. So, ladies, if you see me and I’m being the worst, it’s not me, it’s IMS. To fix it, simply buy me a meal. Clearly, snickers already has cornered the market on curing this.

Here’s the thing…I eat incredibly fast. I always have. People are amazed and appalled by me on a daily basis. While i’m not exactly svelt, I’ve also never been too tubby. So, perhaps my genetics are so that my metabolism happens to keep up with the speed in which I shove food into my mouth. So, as an exception to the rule, I’d like a formal apology from Uberfacts. That said, scientifically, I’m sure this makes all the sense in the world. But, whatever…If it were true I’d be like 400 pounds.

I just found this interesting on so many levels. The size of balls are such a curious thing. One would think: The bigger the balls, the bigger the loads, the more fertile the man. While that might be true (it’s probably not at all) the concept of small nuts equaling good fathers is…well…preposterous. Why? Well, first off, what the scientific code for being a good dad? That’s not exactly quantifiable. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we were trying to list off all the good dads of our friends. out of about 30 people, we came up with 3. It was really depressing. So, clearly, lots of big nuts out there. So, ladies, next time you’re performing oral sex on a dude and you see two little raisins down there, let him put a baby in you cause he’s in it for the long run…with his little baby nuts.