Bask in the glory of “Gigolo’s”

It’s no secret that I’m a connoisseur of terrible television. Particularly, terrible reality TV. However, in recent years, this flame has burned dull as I’m finding it hard to give a shit about some spoiled housewives or some stupid marriage between two people I detest. Even as a “sociological study”, these types of shows often fall short for me. Enter “Gigolo’s”. This show is on showtime and is based around a Las Vegas based male escort service. It follows the lives five men who get paid to sleep with women. Now, in my mind, I’ve always though the straight male escort was either a myth or a person who strictly fucked dried up old housewives. According to the show, I couldn’t be more wrong. No, these men cover a huge spectrum of ladies in their work. Ranging from horny housewives, to couples, to obese cat owners all the way to former “Models” (AKA “not at all ever models”). While there’s a decent part of me that thinks it’s all fake (in fact, I’m pretty sure it is total bullshit), I’ve chosen to ignore those back of the mind murmurings and just fully invest myself in this show.

The show is fairly graphic. Every sex scene is filmed , for better of worse. Occasionally , one of the guys will actually bone a decent looking girl but mostly it’s some off beat freaky shit that is no more sexually arousing than something you’d see on the discovery channel. So, the sex is certainly not the main draw (but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t part of the reason the show is great). No, the main draw of this show is the cast. 5 guys. All very different. All very stupid. All very very very stupid.
Therein lays the reason the show is so good. Have you ever listened to the banter of morons? It’s hypnotic. 5 dim witted guys exchanging weak barbs and sharing the inner most secrets of being a man of the night. As dumb as the majority of reality TV stars are, there’s something special about these guys. They’re truly “everyman”. Like, if you’re ever at a bar, and see a bunch of dumb bro’s sitting over pitchers of beer, watching a college football game and high fiving all the time? These are those guys…but with insanely interesting lives. And , honestly, I’d rather experience those types from a distance (if at all).

Allow me to break them down:

Nick Hawk

Nick is a midwestern sounding moron who’s considered the bad boy of the bunch. He’s got really cool tattoo’s (if you’re heavy into barbed wire and eagle culture). The best part of nick is that he dreams of being a rapper. Yes, a rapper. He claims he’s been rapping for years and he’s the owner of many styles ( a claim that , actually, would liken him to most actual rappers). In his own words “He’s got that gigolo style, got that gigolo swagger”. I’d like to add that, due to his thick Wisconsin accent, the word “swagger” sounds like he’s saying “sway-jer”. It’s awesome. Suffice to say, he’s completely awful at rapping and I’d say the fucking for money thing fits him much better.

Vin Armani

He’s “The black one”. Those aren’t my words. The crew needed a little diversity so they hired the love child of Vin Diesel and popeye jones. Or perhaps a young 7-Up man. When he was introduced to the group, I was shocked to see how openly racist some of these dudes were. I mean, they were like a step away from making weird watermelon references and asking him to teach them to dance.
As for Vin, he seems like a nice enough guy and easily the straightest dude of the bunch. He says he loves women and I believe him. Look out ladies, he’s a kisser!!!!

Steven Gannt

Steven is the down on his luck, single father/former model with a heart of gold. A heart that enables him to have sex with horrific looking strangers for money. He’s painted as the sensitive one who just looking for love . He’s also the gayest man alive. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s the truth. Within moments of seeing him speak, that fact jumps out at you. So much so that it’s kind of amazing that no one on the show has ever mentioned it or even alluded to it.
While steven is supposed to be the nice guy, he’s also a hyper sensitive and grumpy bitch most of the time. But, he will cry and show you pictures of his kid so I’d imagine that holds a lot of weight with whoever he may be fucking on any given night.

Jimmy Dior

Jimmy seems like , by far, the smartest and most grounded of the group. he’s just a dude that likes fucking and getting paid for it. He’s also been in actual gay porn. While this may be surprising, it’s also not at all surprising. I mean, shit, these dudes are obviously scraping the barrel in terms of career paths. Being a male escort has to be a pretty huge step up from getting boned by another man on film. Ask Dustin from the new Real World! he’ll tell you “No regrets”!
Anyway, Jimmy plays guitar , is capable of being kind at funny at times and is just generally likable. Ladies, if you’re ordering cock, he’s your guy.

Brace

Last but not least, Brace. yes, simply Brace. Much like many one named artists before him, he’s one of a kind. He’s the porn equivalent of Skip Bayless. He’s by far the oldest of the bunch. His thick midwestern (or buffalo-ian) accent is undeniable. But Brace has reached a crossroads in his life. At the ripe age of 79 years old (Just a guess), he feels it may be time to hang up his jock strap and start living a normal life. One of substance. After all, the man is spiritual. His house is full of buddha’s and stupid little waterfall thingy’s that idiots use to relax with. He’s also an aspiring business man in the “Vitamin” market. Basically, he’s pretty much promised to die being a male whore…but at least he’s a pro.

So, yeah, if you have showtime, watch this show. It’s great. I think it’s on thursday nights but DVR and on demand exist for a reason. And, ladies, if you’re ever in Vegas looking for love that you can’t find through normal human contact, holler at these dudes. They’ll bone you.