Wedding balls

teddybearweddingI’m not a fan of weddings, not the idea of getting married, but the actual ceremony and the activities that follow. Over the years I’ve been to a bunch of them. Some were kinda cool, some were boring, most were somewhere in between. Here’s just a random list of wedding thoughts:

1.) Ceremonies –

I don’t get how anyone can enjoy any sort of ceremony. They seem to be constructed to be boring and tedious. Whenever I go to a wedding or graduation and hear someone say “what a lovely ceremony” it bugs me out. The best a ceremony can be is short. The shorter the better. If and when I get married, I’d like it to be: “Do you?” said to the girl and I, and then “Yup” repeated twice. That’s it. It’s so ingrained in peoples heads that weddings or really any celebratory event HAS to be a certain way. Says who? God? Fuck him. Which leads me to…

2) Tradition is Bullshit –

All things traditional started a long time before common sense existed. We don’t burn witches anymore…we shouldn’t have to do the same traditional wedding bullshit. At this point, it should be simple to the point of; “Sign right here and you’re married”. HOWEVER, I do understand that the families of the couple actually do enjoy this process. I can tell cause they cry. Really, the whole thing is made for the families, the couple involved, and a few girls with issues crying their brains out in their seats .

3)The whole set up of weddings just isn’t conducive to me. –

Maybe I’m a selfish prick but weddings are just not made for me personally. Once the ceremony is over, then you go start eating and drinking. Here’s the thing; First off, it’s usually early. Like between 6 and 8. You begin drinking while you stuff your fat face with hor d’oeuvres. The two things cancel each other out. Drink drink drink…eat eat eat….the result? You’re sober and full. Then you eat a meal…and drink more. It’s like shooting heroin with opiate blockers. There you sit, insanely full and trying to get a buzz going. Full+drinking tends to = tired, at least for me. But now what? Oh, lets dance! Every fucking old person and girl runs to the floor while most men (the single ones at least), are sitting there like the fat guy who explodes in Monty Python’s ‘Meaning of Life’.
The last thing I wanna do is dance. Not to mention, I’m wearing a suit…which leads me to…

4) Dancing in a Suit is Retarded –

It looks dumb and it’s just not comfortable. In my case, I have one pair of shoes I own for dress up occasions. They suck and cut into my fucking feet with every step. Trying to do the electric slide in them is just not gonna happen.

5) The Wedding Hook Up –

Every time I go to a wedding all the guys are talking about what girls are single and who’s trying to fuck whom. Admittedly, much like Halloween and New Years, I think single girls see weddings as a bit of the- ‘What happens here stays here’ – kinda thing. I’ve certainly seen some bizarre hook ups pop off at weddings. It must be some – ‘Well, she’s getting married…so, I’ma fuck this loser cause I can’ – kinda thing. Maybe it’s just me or the weddings I’ve been to, but I can’t recall one like the movie ‘Wedding Crashers’. Endless beautiful girls looking for love connections. Nah..the reality of it is that most hot girls who are old enough to know people getting married are usually not single…and if they are single, there’s a good chance they aren’t fucking you. More often then not, weddings wind down and you’ll see three or four drunk guys falling over each other while trying to take home the same girl, a girl none of them would even talk to outside a wedding situation.

Not to mention, weddings are full of family. Like really really old family. That means you’re trying to bag up some drunk girl in front of your friends mom,.or worse, your mom. It’s just not good for business.

6) Small Talk is the Worst –

If weddings promote anything it’s small talk with acquaintances and their families. No thanks. There’s nothing like getting trapped in some long conversation with someone’s aunt you’ve never met about some inane bullshit. The whole time you’re looking around for someone to rescue you but chances are, the aunt is drunk and here to stay. Years of this has kinda sharpened my skills at ‘passing the baton’ to other people. For instance, I’m stuck in a shitty conversation. Someone I know walks up. knowing the aunt is just as bored as I am but is willing to talk to anyone, I engage the friend/aquaintence in our shitty conversation. The second she addresses him directly, I slip away into the darkness and go eat five more crab cakes. It may seem like throwing your boy under the bus but it’s survival of the fittest in that situation.

7) Wedding Cake Sucks –
Seriously, have you ever had a really good wedding cake? For as expensive and ornate as they are you’d think they’d tackle the whole “tasting good” part way before focusing so much on how queer they make the icing look.


All the weddings I’ve gone to have helped me figure out what I’d wanna do in that situation. Private “vows” (or whatever they are) with only immediate family then a party. Fuck a dinner. It starts at nine and ends whenever. Open bar. Now that’s celebration.

1 thought on “Wedding balls

  1. my gf wants to get married and have kids BAD… i told her some of the funny shit i read here and she was not amused… :/

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