I was watching this comedian the other day, he was about 35+, and he was talking about how great drugs have been to him. It got me thinking about drugs in general. I’ve never been a big drug guy. Partially cause I don’t have an addictive personality but also because most drugs just don’t make me feel particularly good. As I’ve gotten older, I can honestly say drugs are pretty corny. Not in the “It’ll ruin your life” kinda way (although I have seen that happen) but in the “No 30 year old looks cool snorting coke” kinda way.
Here are some little notes on drugs:
There was a time when I smoked weed on the regular. I was never the “smoke alone” type but I would buy it occasionally, get stoned, and freestyle. Yes, it was so long ago that I actually rapped.
While some people can smoke weed and do math equations, I become a stuttering retard with a heart condition. It’s simply not for me. It’s like the opposite of xanax. It’s an anxiety giving drug for me but, as i said, everyone is wired differently and one man’s paranoia is another man’s bliss. So, I’m not dissing weed itself when I say I have an issue with people who take it on as a lifestyle.
By this I don’t mean people who smoke it all the time and go on with life normally, I mean people who are obsessed with weed and weed culture. People who travel places to try different weed and say shit like “Vancouver? It’s awesome..you smoke the weed?”. People who subscribe to High Times. People who pimp their myspace pages with various pictures of bongs and weed leaves. People whose one interest is “smoking a joint”. These people are fucking corny. Weed makes 90% of the people who smoke it boring and stupid. Sure, it’s great for watching tv or listening to music…or even jerking off. However, defining your existence by weed is pretty much like wearing a sign on your face that says “Do yourself a favor and don’t talk to me”. Weed people are annoying. They’re hippies. They’re thugs. They’re hippie thugs. They’re people, who conversing with, can be mind numbing. Fuck them.
No one should ever start doing drugs after the age of…I don’t know…23. If you’re 27 and have never done coke, guess what? don’t even bother. You made it that far without it and you’ve officially passed the age where it’s cool to experiment.
I’ve never done coke in my life, something about snorting things doesn’t appeal to me. But the real reason is because I’m a sensitive vagina. I had to take Ritalin in high school for a bit and the speed in Ritalin fucked me up enough for me to know I should never go near anything speed related. Coke was an easy one to pass on. Especially considering people who are on it tend to suck horribly while they’re on it.
Conversing with a Cokey person-
…Is the worst. You ever talk to someone who has no interest in talking to you? That’s a cokey person. They just kinda perch in a conversation just waiting for their time to swoop down and not shut the fuck up for 20 minutes. They don’t listen to anything. They don’t follow a conversation. They just wait their turn and talk endlessly. Not only that, but they’re brash and think everything they’re saying is super important. Even when I’m shit faced and talking to a cokey person, I still think to myself “Man, I’m drunk..but this motherfucker is annoying and tedious”.
Boning Cokey Girls-
Seeing that I don’t do coke, I actually haven’t hooked up with many cokey bitches. But, on the occasion that I have, it’s been fucking retarded. First off, anytime you’re trying to get with a coked up girl, you gotta realize, the coke comes first. Once, I literally had a girl stop, mid-sex, to go do a line in the bathroom. Coke screws up priorities if you’re fucking or about to fuck. The drug you’re doing should take a back seat. That’s like stopping sex to do a round of shots… Note: I do know people who thrive on cokey girls though. It’s really fucked up how low a girl will go when coke is involved. Reason 32944893 why I don’t want a daughter.
I loved esctasy…the first time i did it. Everytime after that (about 5 times or so) it just got less interesting. I never did it with a special someone and honestly, I never would want to; “Having sex on ecstasy will ruin sex forever!” I imagine ecstasy sex to be reaaaaaally corny; Candles. Incense. Coldplay (or some downbeat techno bullshit). Really slow softcore movie sex. I’m sure it feels great…but fuck that gay shit. To me, ectasy was always a camaraderie drug. A drug you take and completely (and embarrassingly) bro out on, it never made me remotely horny. It’s kinda like a corny truth serum that’ll make you tell a good friend what a great guy he is. I think I stopped ever wanting to do it when I was sober and around a bunch of people on X. they looked grimy. Big vacant eyes…saying dumb shit…huddled in a little group. There was a tangible filthiness to them that just sucked all the appeal out of it for me.
Possibly the only drug I still wanna do on occasion. Of course, it would have too be a very controlled area with hand picked friends..but still, I’d do it. The thing about shrooms is that you have to be in a good place, mentally that is, to do them. You got issues? Stick to drinking. One time I was shrooming with a bunch of friends and my boy Phil (AKA phat + ill = phil, a name we discovered, not surprisingly, while shrooming) and he started bugging. I guess he had some issues at the time cause he kept needing to call his mom. Anyway, we were roaming around the Battery Park City area and Phil decided to stop in front of one police plaza and vomit violently under a huge street lamp. We were carrying a shitload of drugs and, big shocker, watching someone barf on shrooms, isn’t exactly dope. It was neither phat nor ill. With that said, I once saw a rhumba line of rollerbladers wipeout right in front of my while shrooming and i laughed for about three hours…and that’s always nice.
I bet that shit feels amazing, but so does taking a huge dump – it doesn’t rot away your body and make you a zombie. So, my advice to smack heads would be just eat tons of fibrous foods and hold in your shit till you can’t walk. Then go release the hounds. It’s like five orgasms wrapped in a backrub…and no needles involved.
Seriously…who does crack more then once (maaaaybe twice)? It’s the poster-child for drugs low life’s do. At what point does someone just submit to the fact they’re a crackhead? It’s fucking crack!
You gays and rednecks finally have something in common. How come the redneck Meth heads always look like a tornado hit their mouths but they gay meth heads just look like old ravers? They must work out.
At this moment, it’s safe to say that this is everyones shit. not only cause they feel good but because, while they’re wildly addictive and fuck up you body just like other drugs, they’re legal. while i’ll dabble in sleeping pills the speed and opiate based prescription pills scare me. too many famous motherfuckers are dropping dead from them. in terms of famous people deaths, prescription pills are the new “choked on vomit”. i’ll just stick with advil and feeling like shit every now and then. at least my liver will appreciate it.
i’m admittedly a prude when it comes to drugs. i recall having a talk with my mom years after i graduated high school and i could swear she was telling me she wishes i had done more drugs when i was younger. perhaps it was some “gain some life experience” type point she was trying to make. it’s hard to say. i had just huffed a shitload of paint.