Rules for Proper public conduct (NYC edition)

What’s wrong with people? I’m beginning to realize a sad truth; A huge portion of people (at least in NYC) were never taught common sense or common decency in public places. Being a dickhead while in your home is one thing but making everyone around you have to deal with it is not only annoying, but it’s selfish…

How bout some simple rules of public conduct?

1.) Cell Phones – We all have them. Forgetting to turn your ringer off in the movie theater is pretty absent minded but I can forgive that. However, motherfuckers who insist on using that chirp/walkie talkie bullshit are the worst. I’m a nosey person and even I don’t really give a fuck to hear your conversation. Also, enough with the ringers. I got no problems with heads who have songs on their ringer but turn that shit down…I don’t think anyone needs to hear “Tonight’s gonna be a good night” blasting out of your shitty cell phone speaker. I’ve seen a shocking amount of people let their phones ring just to hear their rings. How many more times do you really need to hear the hook of “Poker face”? pick up your fucking phone.

2.) Public Displays of Affection –
We’ve all made out in public places. It’s pretty unavoidable. But how bout we keep it at that? Groping should be minimal. Mashing titties and ass cheeks should be very minimal. Fingering should be illegal. I mean, hey, I like to be a voyeur too but if I’m in a bar and a couple is seriously going at it – AT THE BAR – cool down. At least go fuck in the bathroom. That’s what the respectable folk do. I’ve seen some downright fucked up shit. I grew up a block away from Christopher st. and many a morning I’d be walking home, after being out all night, and be lucky enough to see two dudes jerking each other off on a stoop, OR, even better, giving head in the front seat of a car. I’ve even seen a guy straight up jerking off in the front seat of his car on a friday night on a busy street. Seriously, having a touch of shame sometimes can be a gift.

3.) Walking –
If you’re walking down the street, keep it moving! Nothing pisses me off more then Lil’ Mr. Daydreamer casually wandering down the sidewalk while 80 people are trying to get somewhere. That, and when a group of people walk together (particularly on the small Greenwich Village side streets) super slow with their arms hooked like The Brady Bunch at the mall. That shit is just asking to be ransacked through on some red rover shit. Save the whimsical strolls for the beach or the park…or better yet, into the mouth of a live volcano…

4.) Fighting –
I’m all for it if it has nothing to with me. Watching two drunk retards scrap is the shit. I know girls freak out, but something feels so separated about it that it’s like you’re watching a movie. A really bad, sloppy movie. But on the same note, I’ve seen dudes slap around their girls in public. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hitting a girl is crazily fucked up to begin with, but to be so unashamed of that that you do it in front of people ,like it’s nothing, boggles my mind. Haven’t you ever heard of verbal abuse? It’s legal.

5.) Drunkenness –
I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been a drunk asshole. It’s par for the course. Whether it means yelling offensive shit to strangers, starting fights, or crying on a stoop and then vomiting…it’s pretty common. Maybe I’m weird but I’m never SOOOOOO drunk that I’m not KIND OF aware of what I’m doing. I’ve done dumb shit for sure but there’s a limit. It’s kinda the same logic that applies to going home with someone busted and then blaming it on being drunk. Beer goggles are kinda bullshit. No one looks better when you’re drunk, you just care a lot less. Anyway, my point is, get wild, do whatever but don’t forget, eventually, there will be consequences. This, however, does not apply to black out drunks, cause you guys are an inhuman breed that I almost kinda envy. Personally, if I’m that drunk, I just vomit.

6.) Public Bathrooms –
Don’t piss on the seat asshole…unless you’re at someone’s house party and you hate them, then it’s ok. In fact, you can put their soap bar up your ass if you really feel justified.

7.) Eating and Tipping –
It’s 20 % unless the service was wack. I know people do 15% but c’mon…don’t be a cheap bitch ass. Also, be nice to waiters/waitresses. They have shitty jobs. Even for the ones that make good money, it’s still a shitty job to have because you gotta deal with assholes all day. Nothing is worse then being out with a group of people and one of the people you’re with is being a dickhead to the server or returning food when it’s not necessary. My older sister is like that and I wanna strangle her every time I eat with her..but I’d wait till we get home because I don’t wanna be one of those guys that beats women in public….

8.) Dudes that Carry Stereo’s Around on the Street – This is Extremely particular to NYC. it’s also rare but , i swear, it still exists. The days of the boombox are loooooong gone. You are not Radio Raheem, you’re a shitface with the worst taste in music ever. You’re worse then the car stereo people…at least they’re in a car. Cars eventually will drive away. Get an ipod…get a fucking walkman…no one wants to hear what new reggeaton joint you’re feeling blasted so loud it sounds like a cattle drive running over a field of crash symbols.

9.) Arguing in the Streets – Hey, guess what? If you’re on your phone screaming like a mad man at someone, you have officially invited me (and everyone else in an earshot) to stare at you. Same goes for two people loudly arguing on the street. All too often, simply noticing this kinda shit will garner a “What are you looking at?!?!?!” response. The answer? You. I’m looking at you, the guy on the street screaming in broad daylight while hundreds of people walk by. The same way I’d look at you if you burst into flames.

10.) Eating on the Train – I’d be lying if I said I haven’t done this. Especially coming home drunk eating an egg and cheese sandwich BUT motherfuckers need to really stop with the Mcdonalds and chinese food on the train. You might as well take a dump in the train. I swear I sat next to a guy eating a steaming pastrami sandwich…I felt like my face had be glazed in mustard when I got off the train.

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