Gross


barf
(This segment was originally written upon returning home from the night in question)

….It’s 5:30 am and I just got home from a friend’s birthday party. I’m admittedly drunk…but this is a picture that must be painted.

Around 10:30 p.m. tonight, a friend and I are walking down Broadway off of 8th street. As we near the Mcdonalds, I spot a small village of homeless people shacking up against the shut grates of the closed stores, at this point, we are very far away. While my eye sight isn’t great, it’s also not terrible…and I spot what looks like a mound of pink flesh colored mud with a patch of strawberries growing out of it. As we get closer, it becomes clear that this is a person. I strain my eyes and try to figure out what exactly is it I’m looking at. Is it a fat woman in flesh colored tights? Is it a nude man? I can kind of see what might be a flaccid penis but it’s disturbingly more reddish then any dick I’ve ever seen.

Finally, I realize that I’m looking at the flayed open vagina of a mammoth fat homeless woman. it lays, deeply set, in her endless fat rolls. A bright red warning flag. Then it hits me…is she…. shaved? Yes, her homeless pussy is completely void of hair. While alopecia is a suspect, I’ve gotta believe, somehow and some way, this homeless fat woman has been given a brazilian waxing.

Perhaps they give them away at the needle exchange? It was both the grossest shit and one of the more mind boggling sights I have ever laid eyes on. Perhaps she just had a baby and they shaved her? I kept looking away cause, well, it was fucking disgusting. As I passed her, I got a glimpse of her putting her underwear back on with all the grace of a manatee jumping rope.

I guess I’ll never truly know the secret behind the bald homeless vagina..but rest assured, it will follow me in my dreams…

That shit was disgusting. Like next level horrific, it got me thinking about the grossest things I’ve ever seen in person…

Here are a few (not shockingly, many of these have to do with either shit or bums or both):

The time I saw a homeless dude take a shit in the middle of a street –

This wouldn’t be that big a deal if it was nighttime but it was midday and I was walking to the train from school. He just dropped his pants and flooded the streets with watery bum shit…did I mention that it was on a busy street? Yes, it was.

The time i stepped in human shit on my way into school –

I was literally entering the vestibule of my high school when I stepped and slipped three feet. Why? cause I had happened upon a loaf of human excrement. How did I know it was human excrement? By the mound of used toilet paper right next to it.

The time I stepped in shit when I was waaaaaay too high –

My boy DOA used to come by my place and get me high out of my mind. He would roll rotund $50 blunts with the strongest weed known to man and we’d finish them. While this was no problem for him, I was a pussy. I’d get so high I’d have a near panic attack answering the phone. On this particular day, I got so high my legs wouldn’t move.

I was sitting on my couch with DOA and I simply was like an invalid in my inability to move my legs. Finally, I got the feeling in my legs back and we decided to walk over to his crib a few blocks away. On our way there, I stepped in the biggest pile of dog shit I;ve ever seen. It literally foamed up around the sides of my shoes. I wiped it off on the street as much as I could but I was wearing Timberlands and that shit was in there good. When I got to DOA’s place, he obviously made me take the boot off and he gave me a ratty old tooth brush. I scrubbed the dog shit off with hot water from his sink.

hot water + dog shit + me high out of my mind = dry heaving.
I dunno if you’ve ever smelled shit when exposed to a hotter liquid, but it’s very much not awesome. Although, I kinda wish I had a video of me cleaning that boot cause it would be pretty fucking funny. scrub then gag…scrub then gag…turn head…gag..scrub and then gag more.

The time my friend blew up a pigeon –

I had this really destructive friend in 8th grade, he may or may not be a serial killer right now. One day I was walking cross town with him and, for some reason, he had a bunch of crushed up alka-seltzer in his pocket (who does that?). He said “wanna see something crazy?” we passed a bunch of pigeons and he threw a bunch of alka-seltzer crumbs at them. They didn’t bite so we left.

I had actually forgotten about it when we started heading back towards where he had left the alka-seltzer. however, when we came back, I remembered very quickly…there were two pigeons that looked turned inside out. They had exploded from the alka-seltzer but not like a bird grenade, it appeared as if their insides had just pushed their way out of their stomachs.

Needless to say, it wasn’t very dope and I pretty much knew , from that point on, that my friend was a complete lunatic.

6 thoughts on “Gross

  1. I imagine the woman yelling in “The Daily Routine” looking something like the fat bald vagina bum? That argument sample gives me the creeps!

  2. There’s this homeless lady near the underground station here, and she is known for taking daily shits in the station in front of people, exposing her vagina to random people on the street, vomiting also on some of them. The only two experiences i’ve had with her is, once i got on this bus, and as it was about to leave, she tries to get in and the bus driver tells her to fuck off, so she puts herself in front of the bus and shows her dirty ass and just stays there for 5minutes. And once she asked for a cigarette and while i was giving it to her, she started putting her hand through my hair, which was really creepy.

  3. Dude, I almost shit my pants reading that one. hahaha.

    grossest shit that ever happened to me:

    One time my girl stepped in dog shit walking to her friend’s party, and being the great guy i am, I snuck into the bathroom with the shoe, turned on the hot water and wiped that shit off in the sink. People really shouldn’t use “hot shit” as a complement, its fucking disgrossting. I’d rather breath dog farts than scrub hot shit ever again. Its cool though, cuz the girl who was having the party is terrible.

    Once when I was 14 I stayed home sick from school. I went out in the back yard to get some air, and barefoot stepped in dog shit. It oozed between my toes like nickelodeon gack. Worst.

    Finally
    Playin football, dove for a touchdown, BOOM, smear of shit all over my shoulder, thanks neighbor-dogs.

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