You’re innocent!


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I was listening to that Tom Waits song ‘You’re Innocent When You Dream’ and I thought; ” If that’s true, then I suppose you’re also innocent when you jerk off.” This really came up cause I’ve heard girls complain about their boyfriends jerking off. Whether it be why? to whom? or when? It seems to be an issue a lot of girls have…

For a man, jerking off is a few things: a release, a sleep aide, and a thing you do when you’re bored. As devious as some of the porn some guys may watch is, it still boils down to just wanting to bust that nut and keep it moving. So, when I say someone is innocent when they do it, I mean in the sense that it’s not a deep gesture. The thing about jerking off is it is all you. A person is just as guilty in thought as they are in jerking off. If you think about touching children but don’t actually do it, you’re not guilty of anything (except being gross). Jerking off is the same thing just a baby step further. (The obvious exception being someone actually owning child porn, which is totally illegal and fucked up.)
But I digress…in all other cases, you ARE innocent. I’ve heard girls get pissy cause they find out their boyfriends don’t jerk off with them in mind. That’s insane. That would be like day dreaming of taking a tropical vacation in your own kitchen. In fact, girls should rest easy, that is their man’s way of exorcising the demons all men have when in a relationship. They still are attracted to other girls…always…it never stops. No NORMAL guy should ever feel bad for rubbing one out.
I think part of the problem is cause women and men see masturbation as two completely different things. Obviously I don’t know but I imagine women can think of smells, atmosphere, little non sexual detail (as well as the sex it self). I think , if in the right mood, a woman could flick the bean to the thought of a really good chocolate bar or a pair of shoes…but I could be wrong (in fact, i know i’m wrong but it’s funny to imagine if that was true). It’s rare you meet a girl who likes watching hardcore, dick in vagina close up, pussy pounding porn the same way men do. There’s a reason soft core porn exists (for women and 13 year olds who only have cinemax).

Men, on the other hand, need that basic animal stimulation. We need to see fucking. I could jerk off in a shit filled outhouse in the middle of summer if I had the right porn. No candles necessary. No music. The other difference is the ending of the act. I’mma about to put you girls on to something kinda interesting. Now, I’m not a girl so I don’t know what you ladies do when you finish making love to yourself. If it’s anything like what you’re like after sex I imagine you’re just kinda relaxed and still.
Kinda just chilling.

Us men do something different.

My friends and I call it “apple Q” based on the act of shutting down a program quickly on a mac computer. If you have one, you know what I’m talking about. If not, it’s just pressing the apple button and Q at the same time so whatever program your using shuts down and vanishes immediately. I’ve learned that when most dudes jerk off to porn on theirs macs, we “apple Q” the second we bust a nut.
Why? cause we want nothing to do with the porn we were just watching.

It’s done.

We’re done.

If that doesn’t shed some light on a male brain i don’t know what does…

4 thoughts on “You’re innocent!

  1. “Why? cause we want nothing to do with the porn we were just watching.”

    so true man.. i always get really pissed at the porn star after i’m done i feel like smacking the screen but all i gotta do is apple Q

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