About 10 years ago I had a dream in which I found out I had full blown AIDS and only one day to live. In my dream, I spent the remaining time telling everyone I knew, from my family and friends to estranged girlfriends. It was real as a motherfucker and when I woke up I was shook. It took me a few moments but eventually I gathered myself and realized that shit was just a dream.
Since then I’d be lying if I said I’ve had many HIV tests. While I have had one, I was never the type to get regular tests regardless of what kind of activity I was having. As anyone whose ever had one will tell you you’re never not nervous about it….even the safest motherfuckers alive feel a little unsettled…..
So, the other day, I was walking to my doctors office to get my results for the HIV test I took a week earlier. For some retarded reason, you have to be told in person whether or not you have AIDS. Apparently they don’t do phone calls. So, as I’m walking over, my mind starts racing. while I don’t actually think I have it, I can’t help but backtrack over the questionable choices I have made over the years. It’s kinda like believing in god; I don’t believe in him the same way I don’t think I have HIV, BUT there is always that tiny bit of “Man, if I’m wrong, I’m fucked” that keeps a person on their toes. However, in the case of HIV, it’s way more possible cause that shit 100% exists and I’ve fucked enough to at least have an inkling of fear.
Where as god? eh..prove it.
So, as I’m walking, my thoughts keep racing –
“Well, if there’s no god, then what about karma? Does my karma have anything to do with this shit?”
While I do see karma as a little more real than God, I also am a firm believer in chance and logic, so , you know, karma is kinda bullshit. But that didn’t stop me from thinking back to all the mean or bad things I’ve done lately. Not to mention, for the past however long, I’ve pretty much been calling bullshit on AIDS…. Not that it exists, but that a non-drug using straight person is LIKELY to get it. Everyone I’ve ever known who had it was either homosexual or a needle user. Granted this is obviously not the case in the rest of the world, but in my experience it is so I have been pretty cocky with my “aids shmaids” stance. (also, to clarify, i’m in no way saying only gay people and drug addicts get HIV, i’m just saying they’re much more likely candidates than your average drug free straight person.)
Suffice to say the karma shit was kicking into overtime. Seriously, this walk sucked…I’ve never wished I hadn’t lost my ipod more….at least then these thoughts woulda been interrupted by whatever songs the shuffle has lined up for me.
By the time I get to the doctors office, I’ve pretty much convinced myself, against all logic and reason, that it’s very possible I’m about to find out I have HIV. I think about; Who I’d tell first? Would I cry right there and then? Who I would have to call and let know they might have it too? It gets to the point where I’m thinking “Hmm…AIDS marches…would I do that shit if I had AIDS?” (the answer, by the way, is no fucking way.)
After my weigh in , I’m sent to the final little doctors office where I wait impatiently for him to come in and tell me my life as I know it is over. The room is as boring and sterile as every doctor’s office so I sit there reading the chart about the different parts of the brain. Time keeps passing and I’m wondering if this asshole is taking his time cause he is getting his nerve up to drop a bomb on me or if he’s like “Oh, it’s no big deal, every thing’s fine, he can wait for good news.” In reality, the answer is neither cause I imagine he was in his office eating pad thai while watching bizarre porn videos for “medical purposes”.
Annnnyway, finally, he comes in. His face looks a little nervous. I get more nervous.
“How are you?” he says “Lets see these results, huh? So, obviously, you tested negative for all STD’s and HIV..so that’s nice…” he said it in a way you might tell someone you like their socks.
In a weird way, I was let down. Not in that I just found out I’m totally healthy but I was expecting more of a build up. Like an “Ok, you ready?” then an envelope opening, kinda like the grammies but the winner is AIDS.
Oh well, good news is good news…I’m clean.
Now I’m off to have unprotected sex.
(side note: this was originally written over 2 years ago)