Judgey pants


JD
It’s no secret that I’m a judgmental prick. Most of the time it’s without real reason or much thought but, as I’ve gotten older, sometimes intuition isn’t always right. Sometimes you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. I know…frustrating, right?

Actually giving people a chance can be pretty time consuming and in today’s fast paced society, it’s even harder to care. But, then you remember, the same way you’re judging some, they are very likely judging you. So, with that in mind, here are a few exceptions to the ‘I can sum you up in 5 minutes after just meeting you’ rule that most of us (should) live by:

Meeting A Person When They Are Drunk:

Sure, being drunk is often just a clearer look into some people’s souls. A lot of people get drunk and become another person and that other person, coincidentally, is the person they probably wish they could be but know it wouldn’t be publicly accepted. However, when you meet someone for the first time and they are completely shit faced, this should in no way reflect on what this person may be like when they are sober. I have plenty of friends who are total shitbags when they get drunk but, when sober, are actually completely great people. So, if you meet a drunk asshole who is friends with one of your friends, give him/her the benifit of the doubt until proven wrong in a sober atmosphere. If that person happens to be an awful drunk and nothing more, just take note and never hang out with them when they’re drunk.
It’s only fair.

First Time Sex:

I have a decent amount of lady friends and they’re never shy about voicing their sexual exploits to me. I am my girlfriend’s friends go to guy for male advice. Why? No clue, but they tell me everything. One thing that comes up a lot is the first sexual encounter with a guy. In most cases, hooking up for the first time doesn’t go that smoothly, people need a little time to adapt to one another. Sometimes, when girls are talking about a lame first hookup they will diss the guy hard and not even consider him for another round.

Well, this simply isn’t fair.

Some guys don’t do well under pressure and the first time you sleep with someone always has a stressful (albeit, exciting) aura to it. Because of this stress a guy will sometimes blow his load quick, not stay hard, or just be an all around fumbling dork. In these cases, it takes a little time but most guys will catch their stride. All I’m saying is, if you are even remotely into the guy, give him another crack at it. Trust me when I tell you, guys will be willing to give you a second chance even if you give head like a wild bobcat and your pussy stinks. We’re understanding like that.

an exception to this may be if it’s the first hook up, and the guy is fingering you like a 14 year old and kissing like stroke victim, that may just be his steeze. it those cases, by all means, dead it cause you just hooked up with a douche bag.

Meeting A Girl At A Club/Party/Bar:

This is kind of the opposite of being judgmental. When girls go out, they get pretty, they get all fancy and dipped out in hopes of attracting men, and Garner jealousy from other girls. Bar/club lighting is low for a reason – everyone looks better in it. So, chances are, you’re out, kinda drunk, and everyone is looking decent enough. However, twelve hours later you wake up next to some octo-mom looking girl with a prosthetic arm and scabies.

My advice would be always get the girl into a place with decent light before you make a final decision and the same goes for girls meeting guys. I’m positive that many girls have woken up next to some matted haired skinny jean wearing acne machine at some point or another. All I’m saying is be wary, girls are masters at covering up their perceived faults so never underestimate them. Oh, if you happen to be a guy/girl that doesn’t give a shit about who you fuck then disregard all of this and do you.

It should be fairly easy.

On the flip side of this is meeting a person during off hours; like walking back from the gym or doing their laundry. Sometimes a very pretty girl with be dressed like a bag lady wearing a hat low when she’s running local errands. There have been a few times that I’ve met friend’s girlfriends under these circumstances and was underwhealmed at first glance. But when I saw them out at night, I was floored with how hot they were. The errand running girl is a sleeper.

I’ve always felt a good way to judge beauty was if they are pretty in the morning. If you wake up next to a girl and she’s still fly with fucked up hair and boogers in her eyes, you might wanna keep that one. Because even some kinda cute girls look like new born gerbils when they wake up.
Hell, I know I look like shit up until about 3:30 pm.

Now, just as these things above are markers of when you shouldn’t write someone off, there are certain things that are dead giveaways to people sucking. The thing is, these red flags are different for everyone; One person’s red flag may be another person’s serious selling point, you never know. For example, here are a few things I’ve noticed that, if they exist within someone, I simply cannot be down with that person:

1.) Loving the play/movie ‘Rent’ and being older then 16 years old, especially if you’re a male.
I’ve covered this before, unacceptable.

2) Being way too hung up on ‘the four elements of hip hop’ to the point that you’re kind of a Nazi about it, a corny Nazi. I love hip hop. I’ve been deeply involved with it since I was a kid but the last thing I wanna do is talk to some 20 year old kid in an Adidas jump suit about the difference between a ‘Rapper’ and a ‘MC’.

3) If you hate South Park.
If you don’t watch it, fine, If you see it every now and then but don’t really care, fine, but if you straight up just hate it and find it not at all funny, we cannot be friends. Not because I disagree with you but because, in order to truly hate South Park, you gotta have a personality so far from mine we’d have trouble holding a two minute conversation.

4) If you hate new york and/or new yorkers.
It’s ok if you do, i understand why people might. But it just means we’re not compatible, sorry Boston!

5)If you are crazy.
It surprises me how many people I know that are straight up crazy but living in society in a functional capacity. See these people socially all the time and there is only so close you can get to these people. Being stuck in a conversation with a crazy person is not fun and it’s also extremely hard to remove yourself from. I’ve also noticed that crazy people often have shit breath but I suppose that goes with the territory.

And those are just a few examples. We all have them, don’t front.

5 thoughts on “Judgey pants

  1. Your comment about liking South Park being the measuring stick for any future interactions is something I can definitely co-sign. I feel like my sense of humor/outlook on life is totally in line with those funny bastards… and if you don’t like their style you definitely won’t like min.

    • 100%. funny cuz i actually go out on a limb most times and ask girls if they watch south park. if they arent down, i pretty much end the conversation and leave

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