Growing up in the West Village , from an early age, I was exposed to all sorts of gay come on lines. When i was 11 , I was walking home from school and some old guy asked me “Do you party?” I had no idea what he was talking about cause, at the tender age of 11, I definitely did not “party” in any way. Be it with cake and streamers or snorting lines of coke of some middle aged mans nutsac. That old guys line was the first , but not the last. The thing is, there’s nothing wrong with it (minus the whole “I was 11 and he was a pedophile” part) cause, hey, they’re just putting out a line to see what they’ll catch. It used to kinda gross me out but as I got older it became funnier than anything. Sure, I could say “Now i know what a girl feels like!” but that’s bullshit. Most straight men and gay men have very different agendas and tactics when it comes to trying to bag some ass. Gay gays pretty much just cut out all the middle part and go straight for the kill. You kinda gotta respect that. but , if you think about it, it makes sense cause men, regardless of sexual orientation, are all kinda scum bags deep down so why waste time “talking” when you could be be sodomizing each other.
I have this gay friend who’s constantly bringing around girls and trying to hook his straight friends up with them. God bless his soul. The only problem is, When he “sets it up” , he does it how gay dudes do it. He basically takes two complete strangers, smashes them next to each other and says “hey, Sara, this is Billy, you guys should totally hook up”.His success rate is low, to say the least. I feel like I need to explain to him that things just don’t work that way in the straight world but I appreciate his selfless acts of vaginal generosity so much that I never mention it. But the point is, the straight and gay world of picking up are vastly different. and that brings me to this:
A few years ago, I was at a party at some bar and was waiting on line for the bathroom. Some guy was waiting behind me and I could tell he was feeling chatty. This guy was a tallish, fairly normal looking guy of arabic descent. Not feminine at all but he did look a little out of place where we were (if i recall it was some sort of 90’s hip hop type thing). It took him a little while to muster the courage to talk but when he did, he went all out. First he asked me if I was in line..then he jumped right into it….
gay guy: Hey, do you party?
(apparently, this is the go to code for gay cruisers)
me: Umm…I’m at a party but so, yes…but i don’t think that’s what you mean.
gay: Uh..you know…I got this bag of coke and wanna share it with someone.
me: ohhhh…that kind of party. Well, I appreciate the offer but I’m good with that. I’m sure there are plenty of people here who’d love to share your coke with you.
(He paused for a moment and gathered his thoughts. This was visibly noticeable.)
gay: Um..well..ok..listen, I wanna ask you something but i don’t want you to beat me up or anything.
(at this point I know where this is going. i’m pretty drunk and stuck in a line so I figure it would be entertaining to see what he says)
me: Uh huh…go ahead man , I’m not going to beat you up.
gay: Do you have a girlfriend?
gay: Well…uh…have you ever been with a man?
(now, it’s clear to this guy that I’m not gay. It’s pretty much established beyond a shadow of a doubt. But something in him decides “fuck it. go hard or go home” as he continues)
gay: Well, i heard that men suck dick and lick ass waaaaaay better then women.
(I pause for a moment , actually taken aback , not only how graphic the conversation just got, but by how quickly it got there in a situation that is obviously not gonna end up how this guy is hoping it will. But, like I said , I was drunk and I figured I might as well have fun with this situation.)
me: Well, you’re probably right…it makes sense. Who knows thier equipment better then the owner.
gay: I mean, I heard that cause men love cock.
me: Uh, yeah bro, i’m sure they do. it makes sense…but it’s not gonna happen.
gay: Listen, i’m really high on coke and my dick is really hard and…
me:Not gonna happen…
gay: you sure? i mean, you never thought about it?
me: Sorry man. Nope. I don’t even like girls assholes.
gay: But i’d be doing it to…
me: Dude, I appreciate the offer but there is no way this is ever gonna happen.
and he walked away with his head down like his little league team just lost the big game. Now ladies, tell me the last time you got those kinda lines from a guy? I didn’t think so. Afterwards I was telling a friend about it and he was like “That’s kinda gross but it must also be flattering” and I thought “yeah but…no. I think that coulda been any guy on line in front of him. i was just a victim of poor/good timing”.
Is it weird to be strangely disappointed by that? “He didn’t really like me, he just wanted to eat my ass and blow me…”. I wonder if girls ever get like that? it’s tough being a piece of meat. i felt so used. I gotta hit the gym or something. Wait…What?