Things that are wrong with the world part. 8

“Sex & The City” will be the end of us all. The least anticipated sequel of all time by anyone with a fucking brain is out and I’m sure it’s doing great. I was walking down the street the other day and overheard some girls behind me excitedly talking about how they can’t wait to see this movie. I eventually looked back and it was three 13 year old girls dressed like whores with enough make up on to kill a family of rabbits. On one hand, they’re young and don’t know better. But on the other hand, they’re a shining example of how dangerous this show is. Every screening of this film is a mini 9/11 explosion in the brains of stupid young girls. Speaking of 9/11, judging from the previews i’ve seen of this movie, these old bitches go to an arab country for vacation. OH REALLY? They’d be picking pieces of Sarah Jessica Parker hair off of butcher knives within seconds of arrival if she trounced around in those outfits at the local rug bizarre.

I realize shitting on “sex in the city” is pretty much as played out as actually watching “sex in the city” but this fucking mania going on has got to fucking stop. Much like every other guy who was seeing a girl when this shit was on, I’ve seen my fair share of this show. Obviously, I think it’s the worst. No shit…you meet a straight man who genuinely likes it, you should stop being that man’s friend. In terms of straight men, it’s as much a personality definer to me as being racist or a convicted date rapist. Sure, they say vastly different things about you but, trust me, if you like that shit, I know what’s up with you. But, with that said, I can’t say i’ve ever met a straight dude who truly likes that show…probably cause his girl won’t let him talk to his friends.
However, I do know some people that actually think that show is great. the one common characteristic of these people is that they enjoy a good penis. Yes, women and gays…duh. Now, I equate “sex in the city” with “entourage”. I’ll admit, I do watch “entourage”. I’ll also admit that it’s fucking awful but , for some reason,Ii will peep it when it on. If you’re a girl and you feel the same way about SITC, that’s fine. But if you really watch that shit and laugh and get involved in the plot and characters…kill yourself. please…seriously…kill yourself. If you really wanna see the movie cause you thinks it’s going to be a good film, Go to your roof and jump off it. If you wanna see it cause you know it’ll be corny and good in a bad way, that’s ok. kinda like how men love the movie “roadhouse”. Terrible, but great.
The thing is, i’ve met countless girls who will stand up for that show like it raised them (and in some ways i suppose it has..ughh). the most common arguments are:

“it’s how girls talk!”

No, it’s not. It’s how gay guys talk. It’s written by gay men. you can tell because it’s super catty and it gives you the douche chills every three minutes. The fact that girls even try to play it off like that’s how they talk when there are no guys around is an insult. For the record, guys don’t talk like on “entourage” either but the difference is that shit is written by some L.a. retards who probably like “sex in the city”.

“it’s a cool way to see what living in new york is like!”

Again, not even close. in fact, I’d go as far as to say, that show was the beginning of the end of new york as we know it (Perhaps that’s an a bit of hyperbole , but it’s up there with Guiliani becoming mayor). It made new york look desirable to people who should never live in new york. From the fucking crappy magnolia bakery cupcakes to the stupid 15 dollar cosmopolitans. I feel like before SITC, williamsburg was actually tolerable and the lower east side was a fun place to go on the weekends. The crazy shit about that statement is that Sex & The City doesn’t even go anywhere near those demographics. Yet, It’s influence is so deep and strong, it’s somehow had some effect on every aspect of NYC nightlife.

“it’s funny!”

Obviously, humor is subjective. But let me say this, girls…you know that funny friend you have? That one homegirl who cracks you up all the time and you think she’s the funniest girl alive? She’s not funny. Maybe she’s wacky, but that’s about it. SITC is that girl. Wack jokes told wackly by wack people.

so, yeah, i don’t wanna hear it. fuck that show, fuck both movies and fuck you for supporting that bullshit.
Oh and did I mention those bitches are old as shit? dope…I bet the movie has some slamming menopause jokes!

Posse Cut Extravaganza Vol. 9

Not for nothing, But this may be the best volume so far, front to back. Not a single throwaway on here. If you’re gonna download just one of these posse cut mixes, this should be the one. But, then again, why limit yourself? Collect them all.
1)1,2, Pass it: D&D All-Stars Feat Doug E. Fresh, Fat Joe, Jeru the Damaja, KRS-One, Mad Lion and Smif-n-Wesson
2)Don’t curse: Heavy D and the Boyz Feat. Kool G Rap, Grand Puba, Cl Smooth, Big Daddy Kane, Pete Rock, and Q-Tip
3)Day one: DITC Feat. Diamond D, Big L, A.G., Lord Finesse, and O.C.
4)Smokin’ that shit: KMD feat.Earthquake, Kurious and Lord Sear.
5)1,2,3: Naughty By Nature Feat. Lakim Shabazz and Apache
6)The hardest Muthafuckers in here: Kurupt Feat. Nate Dogg, Xzibit, and MC Ren
7)Let the horns blow: Chi Ali Feat. Dres, Dove, Fashion, and Phife
8)Heavyweights: Freestyle Fellowship Feat. Cockney ‘o’ Dire, Archie, Volume 10, Spoon, Ganja K
9)Played like a piano: King Tee Feat Ice Cube and Breeze
10)U da Man: Black moon Feat. Dru-ha, Havoc, and Smif n Wesson

Song of the day 5/25/10

Hold The Floor By Camu Tao

Today is the second anniversary of Camu tao’s passing. In his honor, here’s one of my favorite songs of his. RIP mu.

Also, Peep this:
Turns out , Camu’s long awaited solo album will be dropping on August 17th! This is great news.

WonderShowzen Appreciation

For 2 seasons, MTV2 quietly snuck on some of the most irreverent comedy ever seen on basic cable. The show was called “Wondershowzen” and it was a highly offensive and twisted version of Seseme street. Truly the last thing you’d want to show any child. I totally forgot this show existed until the other day when I was reminded of a clip. It bought back all the fond memories of this show (and reminded me I gotta remember who I lent the season 1 and 2 DVD’s to…)
So, in honor of this glorious show, here are a bunch of clips:

A little of this and a little of that

Something about the emergence of summer gets me more scattered then usual, hence this…yet another bunch of random shit…

European Guys Have It Good –

Every time I’m walking around NYC and see a super hot girl with a complete retard, I assume that couple is European. I’d say nine out of ten times I’m right, euro guys have no idea how good they have it. Obviously , not all euro guys are like this but the ones I’m referring to are the fanny-pack-toting, small-shorts-wearing, smelly little dorks. Here they are, prancing around the city hand in hand with some Gisele look alike as if it’s totally ok. I actually think it’s more a French thing then an ‘all of europe’ thing because whenever I’ve been in Montreal I’ve noticed the same thing.

Speaking of Montreal…what’s with the black wool socks , sandals and shorts? Just wondering.

You And Your Fucking Alter Ego –

Whenever people start saying things like, ‘My name is Todd but when I get drunk I become ‘The Dragon’!”, it’s pretty much guaranteed that person thinks a lot of themself. Usually, they’re the type of people who are on The Real World or rappers (rappers looooooooooove alter ego’s).
How ’bout this? Shut the fuck up with your alter egos. How bout, “My name is Todd but when I’m drunk I become a total fucking shitface.” That works way better for me.

As for the rappers, that shit is just comical. T.I. has his T.I.P., Jay-Z has his Jigga, Hova and a list of several others. Eminem has about 4 of them too…it’s bullshit. That’s like me saying; “Well, if I’m chilling, I’m Tony but when I’m writing blogs I’m ‘The Madman’ and when I’m taking a shit I’m ‘The Thinker’ and when I smoke weed I’m ‘Anxieteria’….”

Alter egos are basically just an ego maniac’s way of thinking that, because they have different moods or modes in life, that they’re fucking special. Basically, they’re so full of themselves they need more than one ego. Leave that to people who really need more than one, like schizophrenic people.

Heat Is Rugged –

Last summer in NYC was relatively mild; Lots of rain and some fair days. This summer has just begun to peek it’s head around the corner and is shaping up to be just as wacky as ever. regardless of those random 50 degree days we will probably have in July, the heat is no doubt coming and I think it’s wise to mentally prepare yourself. Prepare for things like walking 5 blocks and having a full sweat bib on your t-shirt. I’m talking about some serious old person death weather.
Here are some things that particularly suck in that kinda heat:

1.)Dog Shit
2.)Indian Food
4.)Homeless People (not them personally but walking by one is like sticking your head inside a rotting corpse’s stomach).
5.)Being a person that sweats a lot. (Changing shirts 3 times a day makes for lots of laundry)
6)Having the roggles…the heat is just not conducive to gross farts from hangovers. It’s like an amplifier for scents and one of those gross sunday afternoon whiskey farts will follow you around like a tail.

Who are these people? –

I was walking through the meat market (formerly the trans-sexual/scumbag epicenter of downtown Manhattan which is now where all the boutiques and clubs are) last weekend. While I appreciate what it’s doing for my property value, what the fuck is going on there? The clubs? I don’t get it. Well, I kinda do. Girls like to dress up, go out and dance so, bam, that’s why they’re there. Guys like to fuck girls, bam..that’s why they’re there…but I can’t help but wonder, ‘How did it get so bad?’

It’s really a testament to most of what’s going on in America. From movies to music to food…at some point, the people in charge of all that shit just kinda decided that we, as Americans, don’t give a fuck. Sadly, they’re pretty on point; For the most part, if we are told that something is good, we’ll gladly just nod and go along with it. So, when people hear about these meat market clubs and see other people loving them, why would they not just nod and go along?

I’m sure these clubs are nice, decorations and design and all that crap but at what point is someone like;

‘Ok, I wanna go to club and wait outside for a bouncer who might not let me in because of how I’m dressed or because of who I’m with or because I’m ugly. Then, if I get in, I wanna spend 10 bucks on a bud light or 15 bucks for a weak mixed drink while I dance to the same bullshit I hear on the radio all fucking day that I only like because it’s played relentlessly. I also wanna be crammed so tightly into a space with a group of douche bags, that going to the bathroom becomes an epic quest.’

Maybe it’s just me, I’ve never had that thirst for ‘the finer things in life’ because, in reality, none of that shit exists inside of a club. The whole mindset of that high post existence is something that should have died in most people around 11th grade.

And finally…I saw something kinda great…something new..a new level of disrespect –

So, I’m playing ball the other day and me and this douchey LA type guy are waiting to get the next game. He’s a nice enough guy but one of those people that when he gets on the court becomes a total prick. We’re watching the teams play and I’m pointing out certain players, I tell him about this one kid who goes by the name of ‘Muffin’. Muffin is one of the kids from the projects near the courts whose been playing at the park forever, it’s weird to say but I think I’ve known him for like 15 years at this point.

Muffin is one of those guys that if you’re down with him, he’s the most loyal person on earth. He’s also completely insane but, to me personally, he’s a nice guy. Over the years I’ve seen Muffin fight many many guys, I’ve seen him break bottles, I’ve seen him threaten two twins that he would cut them both up, to put it mildly, he’s a loose cannon. So, I inform LA douche guy all that because I know he’s the type to talk shit during games.

The game we are watching ends and we finally get on the court and for the first half of the game, things are fine. However, about 10 minutes in to the second half, something happens and LA douche says;
“Stop fouling me…”

Muffin yells back;
“I didn’t foul you!”

LA douche turns to Muffin and dismissively says;
“Chill out bro, I wasn’t talking to’re not even guarding me.”

Within seconds Muffin open hand smacks the dude in the face, lightening quick. The douche backs up and people get in between them. Muffin is predictably yelling;
“Who does he think he is! I’m a grown ass man! He can’t talk to me like that! I’m a grown ass man!”

The guy is trying to settle shit down and it even seems like it might cool out. So, after a few minutes pass, LA douche calmly walks up to muffin extending his hand to shake;
“Hey man, forget about it, let’s just play ball.”

At that moment Muffin looks back it him, loads up and spits a mouth full of yellowish loogie into the guys open hand;
“Fuck you! I ain’t shaking your hand , nigga!”

Wisely, LA douche gets on his bike and breaks out. Game over. The point is, wow…spitting in the hand? That’s like fucking someone to death with an olive branch or gagging someone with a white flag. To be honest, I was impressed as I would have never thought to do that.

Muffin is truly an innovator in the art of disrespect.