The bummy bitch quarter life crisis

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Ok, this is gonna seem kinda harsh but I’m really just trying to help.
I’ve noticed a trend in girls when they hit their mid/late 20’s. I’d like to call it the “The bummy bitch quarter life crisis”. Obviously, this isn’t referring to all girls of that age, but there are a noticeable amount who seem to hit a wall…physically. I see how it happens. You’ve been able to drink 5 nights a week and eat cheeseburgers at 4 am your whole life yet keep that svelte girlish figure. You’ve been smoking cigarettes for ten years and , aside from coughing a little, the effects are ignorable. However, something happens to a females body around 25-27 when all that youthful resilience starts to wane. All of a sudden, you’ve put on 15 pounds and you’re skin is starting to age rapidly. now this, as a thing that happens to all people, I really can’t hate on. It’s easy to lose track and just all of a sudden look down and “woah, i have a gut!”. My issue is the people who refuse to do anything about it. Not even on some “you lazy piece of shit” type thing. It’s more a question of where is your vanity? where’s your pride? It’s like throwing in the towel after getting hit once. No one wants to look like shit. that’s a given. but there’s got to come a time when you’re rummaging through old photo albums and you stumble across a picture from 3 years ago…and barely recognize yourself. I sure know that feeling. i look at pictures of myself from my late teens and early 20’s and it’s pretty depressing. But not cause I’m a huge fat ass now. it’s cause i’ve aged accordingly. and, as we all know, getting old sucks. I realize, it’s kinda unfair cause men and women age differently. We too go through the age where we can no longer eat whatever we want and not get fat. fortunately for us, it’s a little later (early 30’s). But for these mid-20 year olds who have skated through life on their looks, they are in for a grim reality. All those years they scoffed at the fat girl are about to come back ten fold. Cause not only will they be joining the ranks, They’ll have the awful addition of knowing what it was once like to be a skinny girl. They’ve lived their whole lives as the pretty/skinny/fit girl and have garnered the attention being that girl entails. They have no idea what it’s like on the other side. and no episode of tyra will ever prepare them for it. It’s like the opposite of when a formally fat guy loses lots of weight and is all of a sudden a handsome guy. so now, you have a handsome guy with the charming and humble personality of a fat guy. you know what that guy gets? laid. On the other end, you have a formally hot and trim girl who gains a ton of weight. so now, you have an annoying , vapid and entitled fat girl that no one wants anything to do with. You know what that person gets? Lonely. That’s the problem. It’s not like these girls have been overweight their whole lives and it’s been a constant battle. People with actual weight issues really can’t be blamed. It’s genetics and it’s simply harder for them to work it off. No, these girls have basically chosen that route. When the fork in the road came and the first signs of gut started popping up they saw two signs. one read “exercise a little. don’t eat like a pig, stop drinking all the time and quit smoking” the other read “ride this hedonistic fattie lifestyle out and be a lazy sack of shit” , trust me, you can tell which one a girl has chosen.
Now, before any of you girls out there get all up in arms about this shit, recognize, I’m no beacon of good health. Me with my shirt off isn’t exactly the jump off. However , as badly as i do sometimes eat and as lazy as i can be, I do TRY to keep my shit together. I’m attempting to postpone that woeful day where i look in the mirror and say “well, we had a good run..you’re officially this guy now…this fat douche bag of a guy”. So, for you girls out there , it’s not too late. jump on it now before you become the woman with 12 cats and a vagina dustier then ancient parchment. The world is a cold place in general..but trust me, it’s a hell of a lot colder for a sloppy bum ass bitch.

Song of the day 6/23/10

BTD
Green eyed monster, Grey eyed fool By Beat The Devil
http://usershare.net/oi11yw2owo2j

I think one of the first “song of the day” posts I ever did was a Beat the Devil song. You should go find it. It’s a great song. Here is another. Beat the Devil is a now defunct New York group that put out an awesome EP (available on I-tunes) and a Full length and then decided to call it quits. It’s really too bad cause they were really onto something. Lead singer Shilpa Ray has one of those completely original and rare voices and she uses it well…oh, and she plays the harmonium. She now has a band called Shilpa Ray and Her Happy Hookers.
Bassist Mishka Shubaly is also a very talented guy and has been making solo music for a while , as well as working with a few other bands.

Children’s Hospital

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I just got put onto this show , created by Rob Corddry, called “Children’s Hospital”. It’s ten 5 minute webisodes starring a bunch of awesome people like Rob Corddry, Ken Marino, Rob Huebel, Megan Mullally, Nick Offerman, Nick Kroll, Ed Helms, and David Wain. It was made in 2008 and season two is about to start on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network. Unfortunately, the link where I watched all the episodes http://www.thewb.com/shows/childrens-hospital/ is down and I can’t find any of these anywhere….EXCEPT, the first episode that is on youtube. Hooray for that!

If anyone has links to the other ep’s, lemme know…I’ll throw them up here.
Whatever the case, this shit is awesome and I’m looking forward to the second season.

Song of the day 6/22/10

AK
Open your mind By The Atban Klan
http://usershare.net/qd29ba56alr6

Before The Black Eyed Pea’s were the worst group on the face of the earth, they were known as The Atban Klan. A harmless Souls of Mischief rip off group that was gonna get put out by Eazy-E. They dropped a single called “Puddles of H2O” and then Eazy died and their album “Grassroots” got shelved. While this was no huge travesty, I will say this: That album is not bad. I had a friend who worked at Relativity records (they distributed Ruthless records at that point) back then and he hit me with a promo copy of it on cassette. While the rhymes were just ok, the strength of the album was really the production. The highly under-rated and mostly forgotten production team of Epic & Wolf produced the whole album and , no lie, pretty much every beat on the album is dope. Here’s the first track off it.

Diss tracks Extravaganza Vol. 1

HF
Who doesn’t like a good diss track? A pussy, that’s who. Every week for the forseeable future, i’m gonna upload a mix of ten diss tracks. HATE HATE HATE!
I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while but it seemed like such a overwhealming amount of work, so I kinda dragged my feet on it. Well, eff that, i’mma try. By no means is this gonna the end all of diss track compilations. In fact, I’m gonna forget all sorts of them and even skip over ones I think are too known or simply not good. Basically, It’s just the diss tracks I have available in my I-tunes. It’ll be pretty random.
With that said, if you can think of any good ones I’m missing , feel free to email me suggestions (or even the mp3’s if i don’t have them) to “phatfriendblog@gmail.com”. I’m leaning more towards the more obscure so I don’t need to know I forgot “South Bronx” or “the bridge is over”. Dig a little deeper.
okay, so here’s the first installment:
http://www.mediafire.com/?izmhmtgrj3h
1)Slave 2 the rhythm: MC Lyte (dissing Antionette)
2)A day of outrage: X-clan (dissing KRS-One and 3rd Bass)
3)The sauce: Eminem (Dissing benzino and the source magazine in general)
4)Step to me: Tim Dog (dissing every popular rapper from the west coast)
5)Industry Shakedown: Freddie Foxxx (Dissing a shitload of music industry folk…by name)
6)Aye: LoDeck (dissing Kanye West)
7)Hush lil’ Baby: Ras Kass (Dissing The game)
8)No vasaline: Ice cube (dissing NWA)
9)Super Ugly: Jay-z (dissing Nas)
10)Stomp: Young Buck Feat T.I. and Ludacris (T.I. And Luda dissing each other on the same song.

Song of the day 6/21/10

BF
Cinturao De Fogo By Maria Rossi
http://usershare.net/pg2vr9c64xki

This is just some random brazilian shit I had on my I-tunes that came on the other day and fucked my head up. It’s from a compilation album called “Brazilian Guitar fuzz bananas:Tropicalia Psychedelic masterpieces 1967-76”. I’d recommend you go find that album and buy it. It’s pretty great.

Grown ass man (not to be confused with grown ass-man)


I was recently looking through all my old blog files for something to post and I came across this post. It was something I wrote about 3.5 years ago when I turned 30. I thought it would be interesting to re-post it with added insights from the present time.

Here goes:
Well, I’m 30. So, I officially know shit you 20’s motherfuckers will never understand. Ha!
But seriously, I’m looking back on all the shit I’ve learned over the years. I’m a college drop out. I’ve never taken well to teachers or lessons or instructions but life tends to teach you as you go…So here are some things I’ve been enlightened with…

1) Respect your elders BUT never forget that a person who was a stupid asshole when they were 25 is most likely still a stupid asshole when they’re 55. I used to assume older people had wisdom and perspective just cause they were older. Then, as i got older, I found myself talking to older people and thinking “What the fuck is this idiot talking about…”. That never goes away. If a person is a wishy-washy douche at 25, that same person will be a wishy-washy douche in 20 years but with a little more know how.

3.5 year later I think…
This still holds true. However, one thing I think that should be addressed is the basic respecting of your elders. You may not have to respect them intellectually, but be polite. Don’t roll your eyes like an asshole and be dismissive when dealing with people who are 10 plus years your senior. I mostly say this cause I’ve noticed a drastic change in that over the last 15 years. A decent example of this would be playing basketball at the park. When i was 15-19, and going to the park, I respected the adults. They played in their own game and I kept my distance cause I felt it wasn’t my place to intrude. Nowadays, you have brash little 13 year old cocksuckers feeling entitled to play where ever the fuck they please. There’s no code of conduct. This line of thinking obviously spans way outside of just pick up basketball games. The moral? Wait you fucking turn, young’un…cause it’ll come eventually.

2) Getting caught up in things out of your control is a waste of time. Do I want us to be in an unjust war? Of course not. Can I change anything? Of course not. My idealism flew out the window with age. The second I left college it was like “Oh wait, the real world doesn’t give a fuck…” Sad but true. Saving the world is so far out of our hands it’s funny. i’m all for people wanting to help. It’s admirable. Hybrid cars. Recycling. Protests. Do you. Your heart is in the right place, but me? Fuck that shit…It’s funny to talk to an 18 year old who’s ready to grab the world by the nuts. They’re brimming with opinions and ideas. 6 years later…that motherfucker has a job they hate where the have no opinions or ideas that matter beyond a boardroom or cubicle. shit is real. worry about saving your own life before you can save the world.

3.5 years later…
I’ve covered this topic numerous times on this blog and , while i pretty much feel the same overall, I think I’ve softened my views on certain aspects. I don’t think I can honestly say “fuck hybrid cars and recycling”. As much as I still feel that one person cannot make a difference, those are two things that need to be done in this day and time. I still think protests are a huge hippie bullshit pile but I also recognize that , with some of these things, something has to be done on some level.

3) Trust you instincts. I not particularly fond of falafel or the band “The Roots”. I often put them in the same group because my distaste for them came about in the same way. For years, I ate falafel and listened to The Roots. Pretty much everyone I know liked both those things. I trusted their opinions and didn’t see how all these people I respect could be wrong. Then one day it hit me: falafel taste like grapenuts and chalk sauce (Hence the song title, for those in the know) and The Roots , while obviously very talented, are boring. From the jump i was hesitant about both things but it just became clear one day out of nowhere. Since then I’ve never eaten a falafel or bought a roots album. I feel i’m a better man because of it. When you’re in your late teens/early 20’s, you tend to think you’ve got it down. But i’m coming to the realization that you never REALLY know what the fuck you think you know cause every five years you look back like “wow, i was stupid.” I’m sure when I’m 35, I’ll be kicking myself for shit I do this year…so all we got is our instincts. use them.

3.5 years later…
This one, I pretty much have no budged on. The only difference is that, as I get older, I seem to care less about things. Nothing riles me up like it used to. As much as I think Ke$ha is a talentless piece of shit, I don’t REALLY give a shit. 12 years ago I would lose my mind over something as harmless as a club anthem by Mase. Nowadays, If that was on the radio, it would be far and away the best song out. BUt, I still don’t eat falafel or listen to The Roots. Which is weird cause I think Black Thought is undeniably a great mc one very level. Maybe I should revisit them? Eh…Then again, like I said, I simply don’t really care either way. For me, Age has brought on such a level of indifference on most things, I’d say my emotional range is somewhere between “mildly amused” and “uninterested” at all times. Ironic considering the majority of this blog is a vitriol fueled rant-a-thon. Go figure, yo!

Aside from those things, I’ve also learned that:
1)Girls truly like assholes. nice guys get the dick hard…

3.5 years later…
Duh…of course. But this changes the older they get. By the time most girls hot 30, they’re (hopefully) over that stage. Or their married. Liking dickheads is a young girls sport.

2)smoking weed all the time makes people stupid and boring
3.5 years later…
Definitely still feel this way. Really, doing any drug a lot (including pills) is a pretty bad look for any adult.

3)it’s ok for college kids to wear those kinda baggy jeans with the insanely tattered bottoms (it almost looks like the bottom of the legs are tassels made of denim). that’s the only time it’s cool and acceptable. in fact, those guys will get laid.
3.5 years later…
I’m fairly certain i had seen a kid with frayed jeans with a super hot girl on the street that day and didn’t think it warranted a full on blog. I don’t even know if this genre of person still exists but I imagine, somewhere, they do get pussy.

4)Fake lesbians are corny
3.5 years later…
Big time. Equally corny are straight guys who play up a sensitive, bordering on gay, vibe to meet girls. Wildly against the life code.

5)Being tolerant is overrated.
3.5 years later…
This is really on a subject to subject basis. Obviously, it’s not black and white. But i do basically agree that the word “tolerance” has become a P.C. way of just accepting a lot of bullshit about people.

6)we all die.
3.5 years later…
Obviously, I know now that we never truly die. We just become stars in the sky. Word to your man, MOBY.

Ahh….other then that, I’m just as dumb as i was when i was 14.
3.5 years later…
Eh..i’m more about 18 at this point. I’ve grown.

Song of the day 6/20/10

TO
The Wetter the dutch By Tame One
http://usershare.net/b2w7w4n7gawa

This song popped up in my Ipod (Yes, I found an old one that works. Win!) and I had totally forgotten about it. It’s a bit of an autobiographical song for Tame. I’ve always been a sucker for songs like this. Especially when it’s some rapper I idolized when I was younger and Tame certainly fits that description.

Ron Artest is great

I won’t lie, A finals playoffs series between the Celtics and the Lakers could not be lower on my to do list if it was a soccer game. Probably the two NBA teams I dislike the most (shout out to the spurs, who I also hate) playing a 7 game series where , to me, there really can be no winner. But, whatever, the lakers pulled it off, whoopty doo.
However, the was one bright spot for me, and that is Queen’s own , Ron Artest. Ron is obviously kinda crazy and has never held his tongue in his life. Whether asking Craig Sager to say “Queensbridge” at the end of a post game interview

or taking the fallen off shoe of an opposing teams player and throwing it away from him

or climbing into the stands to attack a fan after he got his with a cup of beer , the dude is 100% real. So, my highlights from the 2010 playoffs?
(Video not available. HMMMMMMM!)
Ron Artests post game press interview.

As a little bonus, here’s Ron and Yao Ming at the end of a press conference. Yao got jokes.