Summer Rants


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According to the sweat stains on my shirt, it would appear that summer is finally here, and with it comes a whole bunch of fun shit to rant about…some of these things are actually applicable to all seasons but I figured I’d tie this “complaining about random shit” thing into a weakly devised topic. So, as far as you’re concerned, this is all about summer…

Backyards:

I have a backyard. It’s a communal one that I share with the other people in my building. These are people I do not chill with ever and pretty much never plan too. From the moment I started living here, pretty much every girl whose ever seen it bugs out like it’s the best thing about my apartment. My mom occasionally comes over just to sit back there and read. I, on the other hand, have maybe set foot out there a grand total of about 5 times since I’ve lived here (it’s been about 8 years now). While I’ve never been a fan of “nature”, I’ve also never been too big on “reading”…so you can understand my complete and utter indifference towards my backyard. The last time I was out there, it was like 5 months ago, it had just rained and the ground was covered with leaves. I took one step off my steps and suddenly noticed dog shit foaming around the sides of my shoes. I even slipped a little. I took another step and the same thing happened to my other foot. I was walking on a dog shit mine field. After that, I haven’t even considered setting foot out there (fuck dogs too while I’m at it). Thusly there will be no barbecues, early evening mimosa parties, or late night deep talks in my backyard. If you’re ever at my house, consider that shit a brick wall.

Being a sweater is not a good look

I’ll admit. I’m a sweater. Big time. I’m that dude, that after about 4 minutes of basketball, has a full on sweat bib on my shirt. I’m that dude who ALWAYS has sweat pits under my arms in 65 degree weather. Hell,I break into a serious sweat simply from eating my lunch at a normal pace (which, for me, is admittedly MUCH too fast) That is me. So, you can imagine how crappy things can get come the dead of summer when NYC is 90 degrees and humid for three weeks in a row. I’m talking mass amounts of extra laundry cause I’m changing my shirt three times a day. I can honestly say, minus the life threatening obesity, I know how a guy like John Goodman must feel. Unfortunately, this is a battle I simply cannot win. I’ve heard people get botox in their armpits and that stops the sweating forever…but that sounds crazy shady to me and the last thing I need is some weird armpit cancer due to trying to stop my natural water flow. So, fuck it…just know that if you see me in the summer and I give you a hug, that is actually not a basset hounds mouth hidden under my arm. No, it’s actually just my disgustingly moist armpit. You’re welcome.

The shorts problem

Summer is a weird time, fashion wise, for guys. As everyone knows, men look like assholes in shorts. We just do. Gone are the days of over-sized jean shorts and timberlands. In today’s current fashion scene, us men are at a loss. Our choices are few and not very enticing on any level. Let’s run them down:

1)Simply, do not wear shorts.
I’ve tried this. I have friends who live by that code. If you are able to deal with the sheer torture of being THAT hot all day long, than this is the best choice. As I wrote above, I’m a sweater, so this is not an option for me. If i do do that, I’m pretty much begging for thighs so chaffed they might as well be moist brisket.

2)Jean shorts
Is there anything on the planet that girls hate more than a dude in baggy jean shorts? seriously…I remember once when I was 20, I was dating this girl. I had a pair of Hilfiger jean shorts. I thought they were awesome (don’t judge me, it was the mid 90’s). I also had a Jason Kidd basketball jersey. those two articles of clothing seriously made my girl at the time furious. I’d sometimes wear them together when we met up places just to piss her off. Then I’d proceed to be overly affectionate and grossly try to make out with her at every stop sign. Suffice to say, we are no longer together.
The thing about jean shorts, in this day and age, is that hipster men are taking them back. The Male Cut-off jean shorts are getting WAYYYYYY too much run nowadays. They’re a little too tight and a lot too short. I’m sorry ladies, but the one thing that must remain , in regards to men and wearing shorts, is that they gotta be A LITTLE baggy. You’ve taken our baggy jeans from us, but i’m not letting go of this one. Sorry…the inner thigh of a man is always a bad look.

cargo shorts
These had a great run. I actually just retired mine this year. I’d say, on the most basic level, cargo shorts were the perfect model of summer clothing for men. Unfortunately, much like so many perfectly fine and sensible things before them, the wrong people got into them and turned them into something they never should have been. Much like Bob Marley and The Pharcyde, frat boys murdered cargo shorts. Not cool. They should have just stuck with the classic frat boy/preppie Khaki shorts but no, they had to step it up a little and get an extra side pocket to fit their hackeysacks in.

Those Seersucker shorts
They’re fine I guess. I would never rock them cause they’re way to golfy for my taste but all the wannabe commons and kanye’s out there can wear them and be proud that they’re sharing a fashion taste with bob dole Arnold Palmer.

So, you might be asking, what the fuck are you wearing as shorts this year? well, My good friend “and friend” , put me on to the simple beauty of dickies shorts. They’re neat looking, still maintain a bagginess and are long, but not too long to the point where they look like some billibong surfer pants. They’re also cheap as fuck, so that’s a bonus. They have my full support.

and now for the not so topical shit…

Coldplay:

I realize they’re pretty much out of the picture at the moment but you really gotta hand it to Coldplay. They have figured out the musical formula for capturing the hearts of every corny soul on the planet. I can’t quite figure it out but in involves building piano’s, strings, and a dude playing the kind of drums they played on viking ships. Whatever it is, they found it. It’s like pheromones to the ears of douchebags, I can’t even really hate on that.

Horseracing is not a sport:

Horseracing is as much of a human sport as dog walking. Nascar is some retarded shit but at least there are humans driving the fucking cars. Sure, the jockeys ride the horses but…hmm…well maybe it’s AS dumb as Nascar (which, by the way, is also not a sport). What pisses me off is when people start talking about these horses like they’re athletes. They’re fucking HORSES! Horses are fast. No shit, so are cheetahs. Why not have cheetah races and have toddlers ride the cheetahs around the track? Or how about U.F.C. fight between grizzly bears? That would work.. A few years ago everyone was bugging when that horse Barbaro got hurt and got put under. Aside from animal lovers, how can anyone actually truly give a shit? People treated that horse like he was Michael Jordan. He was a horse that ran in circles really well which, ironically enough, is the skill awarded the prize of not becoming glue. But, once he couldn’t run anymore, everyone was like “fuck’em now…he’s useless, let’s make some glue”. How come animal rights activists never get mad about killing the horses after they break a leg? Surely they’ve made great strides in horse casts by now, after all, this isn’t 1950. Even if he never races again, I’m sure that motherfucker could loaf around and eat hay and oats all day..like every other non-racing horse on the planet.

and in the immortal words of Mr. Smith himself,
“summer summer summertiiiime, summertime…”

14 thoughts on “Summer Rants

  1. No need for botox. Use Aluminum chloride roll on. It works(no sweat at all) but it can be a bitch when it stings.

      • Norwegian scientists are saying that it can’t cause any diseases or similar. I’ve been using it. Roll on before going to bed, next morning you’re completely sweat free. I recommend it

  2. good shit to read with my morning coffee yet again!! One thing we can pick apart is flannel shorts, I am a fan of Dickies but have been caught with a few pairs of flannel shorts. Why dont men in the summer just rock a kilt…fuck it right..shit will keep the boyz cool in the summer time that is for sure.

  3. word on the dickies. Though it’s getting pathetic when 90% of my wardrobe is coming straight out of Target. I’m afraid to even go in there cause they probably think i’m shoplifting just from what I’m wearing.
    I know you say straight up you don’t like reading, but Chuck Klosterman breaks Coldplay down to the essentials in his book “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.”

  4. God I love this one. I remember when I first read that tranny rant of yours on myspace, shit has made me laugh for so fucking long.

  5. After reading this it got me thinking about my shorts collection, sadly mostly cargo these days except for a few cut off khackis, I always think of the Kurupt line “cut off khackis, french braids and house shoes”. Anyway this post got me thinking about some linen shorts I used to have a few years back. Style wise they were garbage comfort wise , amazing. It was like wearing nothing.

  6. ‘I’ve also never been too big on “reading” ‘ reminds me of a time someone asked me “You’re into information and shit, huh?” Uhh, yep.

    Anyway, I get what you’re saying, but the quote made me laugh (maybe somewhat out of context).

  7. Hi Phat One

    A mad man used to live above my family years ago who went to jail for robbing an old lady and later died of a hero-wine over dose.

    He was the sweatiest man I have ever seen in my life.

    Unbelieveable.

    Just saying.

  8. A lot of my guy friends wear dickies shorts but they all swear that Ben Davis shorts are better because theyre not all stiff or something like that. They look the same to me…

    • Word. When you get dickies they’re stiff but I was told to wash them with dish washing soap and then use extra fabric softener when drying them and that totally worked.

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