Dead giveaway’s to being a dipshit

COnr
I’m sure everyone has their own guidelines, but there are some of mine , along with the occasional exceptions to the rule.

The tucked in shirt:

Unless you really have to do it because of some sort of dress code, tucking your shirt in is pretty much unacceptable. Especially if said shirt is tucked into khakis.
Hey khaki guy.. cut loose…untuck that shit…and while you’re at it, take off those sandals you fucking pussy.

Exception:
If you’re at some sort of waspy beach house party. While I still think you’re a dip shit, you’re also just playing the role.

Rocking Sketcher Sneakers:

By rocking Sketchers you’re basically saying, “I ALMOST don’t give a shit about what goes on my feet but I care just enough to go to a Sketchers store and spend money on kicks my mom wouldn’t even wear to power jog in.”

Exception: Children. Its not their fault. Their parents, however, should be reported to child services.
Payless shoes>>>>>>>Sketchers

Ogling EVERY girl on the street:

You ever see guys that lose their shit on the street over any half assed owner of a vagina that passes them? I understand staring at girls on the street. We all do it…but stopping dead in your tracks and doing a 180 turn followed by a sound effect like “daaaaaaaamn” every time any girl on the planet walks by is just ridiculous. What do you do when an actual hot girl walks by? Jerk off on the spot?

Exception: People who are actually willing to masturbate on the street.
It may be totally wrong but , hey, at least you’re going all out. If you’re gonna make such a lame statement over some solid 5, you might as well just go for it.

Owning a ferrari/lambourgini type car:

They’re tiny and the back seat can maybe fit a premature newborn…maybe. So they go fast…it’s not like you can ever really drive 195 miles an hour. Save the money and get a dick implant. It’s pretty much the same thing.

Exception: If you’re rich enough to collect cars and this is just one of the many pieces you have that sits in your garage, go for it. These kinda cars shouldn’t really be driven anyway.

Being the “Chatty Guy” While Waiting on a Line:

I was on line at the airport to get into Canada a while back. It was long and slow. Right in front of me was bro-ham who couldn’t shut his stupid mouth, he was talking to everyone like it was the first day of summer camp. Waiting can be brutal but waiting while listening to some Umbro short wearing cocksucker cracking Borat jokes is pretty much hell cubed. Sadly, I’m sure in some circles this guy is charming…but what’s worse then him?

Well, how bout…

Being that Guy’s Wing-man/Cheerleader:

Wherever you find the “outgoing talkative” guy, you will find the “quiet dork” who laughs at all of his jokes and thinks he’s “Craaazy” (in the coolest way possible). This is the guy who jerks off to the talkative guy’s stories of getting pussy and later tries to pass those same stories off as his own when he meets new people.

Exceptions: If someone is literally retarded, they obviously get a pass on this one. Otherwise, there are no exceptions.

White/asian people with dreadlocks

Do I really need to explain this one?

Exceptions: Outside of youthful stupidity, NONE.

Working Out all the Time:

This is more about the body builder types then girls who run on the treadmill. I support that fully. But to the body builders, what’s up with that? How fucking ripped do you need to be? What girl likes that? Outside of some jersey shore types, I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl who wanted to bone Lou Ferrigno or Schwarzenegger. It’s kinda in the same boat as the Lambourgini owners. It’s a cool idea on paper, but when fully executed you’re just flying a huge I-have-a-worthless-penis flag.

Exceptions: guy who will readily admit they have a microscopic penis and this is the only way to make themselves feel better. Honestly is a trait of the non-dipshit.

Guys who wear their hats like this:Photobucket

This dude I was sitting next to on a plane recently was rocking his shit like this. It was killing me on some OCD shit that I couldn’t just straighten it out. This type of hat positioning make no sense. Not only is it uncomfortable, it serves no logical purpose.
Hat to the front: shade.
Hat to the back (while still corny is not as bad as sideways): getting the brim out of your face or perhaps arm wrestling on some “Over the top” shit.
Hat to the side: Shading one of your ears?
Nope. shit is corn.

Exception: If you happen to be making fun of people who rock their hats like that.

Saying the Phrase “Party like a Rockstar”:

Way before that fucking awful song existed, I would cringe at the sound of that phrase. It’s the worst thing you can say. It’s an immediate deal breaker. If I had Jessica Beil, naked in bed, with the tip of my penis in her, and she said that, I’d recoil and be out (I’m completely lying but you gt the point) People who say “Party like a Rockstar” are pretty much the definition of “Douche”. Luckily, much like the song, that phrase has subsided over the past year or two. Unfortunately, motherfuckers have to eat so I don’t doubt there will be an equally terrible catch phrase like it coming in the very near future. May I suggest “who let the dogs out?” it’s got club banger written all over it.

Song of the day 7/25/10


Fudge Pudge (Remix) By Organized Konfusion
http://usershare.net/9xb2g7nvsiki

Organized Konfusion used to do tons of remixes. One thing I always appreciated about them was that, instead of just putting a new beats over the a cappella for the original song, they would rerecord their vocals for the song and even kick them differently. Not only was it nice cause they remix would sound like a totally original song but it also showed their versatility is how they can kick their shit. The verse would have a totally different flow yet still be dope. That’s some thing most A-B-A-B rappers simply could never do. I posted the video for the original just for the sake of comparison (and cause it’s a classic song)

Rappers on “The Weakest Link”

I’m on a plane as I post this. I would normally never shell out money to be on the internet while on a plane, but what can I say. I’m a motherfuckin’ jetsetter! Just kidding. The trust is that fucking Delta airlines decided it would be a dope idea for the only entertainment on a 6 hour flight to be back to to back to back episodes of “2 and half men”.
So, fuck that…
This dude ryan hodges (special shout out to him) just sent me this link and it’s pretty funny so it’ll have to do for today’s entry.

On a side note, while hurling through the sky, I’d just like to say that any guy who has an aisle seat who thinks simply tucking his legs in (as opposed to actually his lazy ass getting up) when someone else in the aisle needs to get up, is at all acceptable, should be punched in the face. The dude sitting next to me had been doing that, as well as coughing and sneezing without covering his mouth for the whole flight. I hope he’s reading this over my shoulder as I type this. Fuck you, guy.

The Ultimate Warrior was the Ultimate

Ultimate Warrior
When I was younger, I was obsessed with wrestling. From about 5th grade till about 10th grade I would watch any special or weekly show I could find. For my 11th birthday , I went to MSG and saw Andre the Giant wrestle Randy “Macho man” Savage. I ever had subscriptions to wrestling magazines where they covered all the southern bumblefuck wrestling federations where guys like Kerry Von Erich were royalty even though no one outside of arkansas had ever heard of him. Like most young kids, I had a clear favorite. That man was none other than the Ultimate Warrior. At the time, it just made sense. He was a complete lunatic who ran around like a crazed retard. That’s all my 12 year old brain really needed. Eventually, I lost interest in wrestling (Excluding a brief return of interest years later when Goldberg was in his prime). But I still retained a decent memory of those times. But, as is so often the case, Memories don’t always match up to the reality. Nowadays, when I see a clip with the Ultimate Warrior , I see a totally different thing. A roided up guy with serious emotional issues. Lucky for me, I find that hilarious. So, here are some clips of The Warrior acting a fool. Serious laughs to be had right here.
Let’s begin with my favorite:

Here’s the gawd on Arsenio

Here’s a re-edited interview of an older , paintless warrior made to seem like he got raped in a shower

Here he is being a lunatic in an interview with Mean Gene

I’d put up some clips of him actually wrestling but, truth be told, he was kind of a shitty wrestler and who gives a shit?

Song of the day 7/22/10

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I never cared for you By Willie Nelson
http://usershare.net/v9s8e421ikew

Now, Before you roll your eyes and just skip this song cause it’s by Willie Nelson and you only like break records, give it a chance.
I’m no country music aficionado , in fact I think most of it sucks but there are always a few jewels that pop up. This song is Willie doing his little spanish guitar thing. It’s dope.
Also, if any of you know of good country music (older stuff) that fits into the “not music for dumb rednecks” spectrum, lemme know about it. I’ve really only scratched the surface of the genre and I’m sure there are tons of good shit out there I’m missing.

Introducing The Mighty Jones

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As you may or may not be aware of, I’ve been slowly and quietly working on a side project with a female vocalist for some years now. In fact, since the idea began, I’d say it’s been about 5 years now. The project is not just the singer and I, there are other people involved. As a group, we go by “The mighty Jones”. This group consists of me (on the beats) , Joanna Erdos of The Midnight show (on vocals and piano) , Jeremy Gibson AKA Sir Jarlsburg and Jer of Party Fun action Committee (On guitar and bass) and Damian Paris of The Giraffes (on guitar, bass and synths).

To give a little background on this, initially, the group was gonna consist of me, Joanna, Jeremy and a singer named Pierre Michel. Pierre was an amazing singer and songwriter who worked along side Joanna. The two of them had ben writing songs for a while and even recorded some very rough demo’s to beats I had given them. Tragically, Pierre drowned to death shortly after these demo’s were recorded. All of us were pretty fucked up after Pierre’s death and pretty much abandoned the project. Month’s later, Joanna, Jeremy and I started throwing around the Idea of continuing the project. We had some rough recordings of Pierre as well as a bunch of songs framed. So, we forged ahead. Due to busy schedules on all of our parts, the recording took forever. We got about 5 songs done and even managed to salvage some of the vocals Pierre had recorded on a digital 8-track. And that’s when Jer’s hard drive crashed and we lost everything. All we had left were some roughly mixed mp3 versions of the songs we had recorded. After that frustration, we took a little more time off. Eventually, we got out shit together and opted to just make completely new songs. This time around we added the talents of Damian Paris. He’s the same guy who’s played basically all the live instruments on my solo albums.
That long ass story leads me to this. At this point we have about 9 completed songs. Problem is, we don’t really know what to do with them. I don’t think I’m ready to just leak those out just yet though cause there is hope of someone putting this out. However, we still have those old roughly mixed mp3’s. Because those songs are both lost files and way too dated to ever release, I figure I might as well throw them out here. Now, keep in mind, these are ROUGH versions. Some aren’t even totally done. But I felt it would be cool to throw these out here and see what you guys think of them. Also be aware that these songs actually don’t really sound anything like the newer songs. They’re kinda like a different group in many ways but it’ll at least give you an idea of what we were doing and where the idea began. So, here they are. Admittedly, this won’t be for everyone who peeps this blog but I imagine some of you might dig this. lemme know what you think.
http://www.mediafire.com/?cxb5snbsnzuszkl

1)All my love
2)Blow my mind (feat. Pierre Michel)
3)Drag me down

PS. The pic above is Joanna. I didn’t have a pic of all of us together and I figure you’d all rather look at a pretty girl alone than a pretty girl with three old pieces of shit like Jeremy, Damian and I.

Song of the day 7/21/10

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The U is Smooth By Grand Daddy I.U.
http://usershare.net/4bgbrkb76n8l

Grand Daddy I.U.’s first album “Smooth assassin” is one of those personal favorites of mine from the early 90’s that I get the feeling not many people really give a shit about. I.U was somewhat of a lower level Big Daddy Kane on quaaludes but that never really bothered me. He had dope beats, a smooth flow and an affinity for long trench coats. Nothing wrong with that.

Undateable

UF
I was recently watching this show on VH1 called “Undateable”. From what I gathered , it’s based on a book of the same title and is all about the many many MANY different thing men do, wear or say that renders them “undateable”.
From the brief part I watched this ranged from bad tattoo’s to being too close to your mom. Fair enough. There are no doubt we, as men, find all sorts of ways to make ourselves wildly less attractive to women. But I did find it funny that that the show was so one sided. What about women? I think , in a way, there is a assumption that men are the less picky of the two sexes. This is only half true. When it comes to actually just fucking, yes, by far, we are much less picky than women. Men routinely fuck women they hate just because they can. But on a deeper level, where relationships come into play , I’d say men are actually pickier than women are. For example, how often does a girl you know get excited about some new guy and dive head first into an attempted relationship without even stopping and asking a few questions? I see it all the time. Some might call it “throwing caution to the wind” but I’d prefer to call it being “lonely and insecure”. To fair, I’d say it’s a mixture of both. The amount of girls I know who have just “Settled” with some complete dickbag cause they think it’s time or they’re getting on in age is depressing.
Men , on the other hand, are often dragged into a relationship kicking and screaming. Our instinct is to not even go there but , in many cases, we eventually get beaten down enough to just submit. Now, I’m not saying this is indicative of all men. I’ve been on both ends. I dated a girl for 3 years who I wouldn’t even call my girlfriend for the first half of it cause I was so set on that not happening, even though by all standards, she was definitely my girlfriend. Admittedly, I was a total asshole but whatever, it’s how I felt. I’ve also been on the good side of things where you both go into it with an even head and at your own will. Obviously, It’s not black and white.
But back to this “undateable” crap. I think, in all fairness, men should have a go at this and maybe let the ladies know what we find undateable. Now, I can’t speak for every man but allow me to rattle off a few examples of what makes a girl “undateable”. Guys, feel free to add on your personal ones in the comments…I think the girls need to hear this shit.

What makes a girl undateable:

Not having your shit together
Unlike women, men have no interest in fixing up their partner. While many great girls throw their lives away trying to turn what ever lame scum bag they’re fucking into prince charming, men want all that shit taken care of. We want to move into an already nicely furnished apartment. This means if you are a drug addict or a depressed mess who sits around the house all day, you’re a wrap. Sure, you might have hit it off at the bar and the drunken sex was fun but trust that once that passes (and it will, quickly) your bum -assedness will shine through and the guy will never return your texts again while sober.
Nothing sucks more than dating a girl who is always miserable and upset about things that EVERYONE deals with. While girls may nurture (and enable) this kind of behavior when men do it, men simply do not have the patience for this kind of bullshit. So, cheer up and get you mind right. There’ s a reason being “Captain save-a-hoe” is frowned upon.

Shitty breath/hygiene

I know this one seems obvious but you’d be surprised how many dumpster mouthed bitches there are out there. It’s particularly crazy to me cause you would think girls would be on point with that kinda stuff seeing as they are usually so aware of themselves. I realize some people have deeper issues that a piece of gum won’t solve but the majority of it is just girls really not giving a shit. I always know when I have shitty breath. I might not have a mint to fix it at that moment but best believe I’m seeking one out and fully aware of my situation. A girl having shitty breath (consistently) says a lot about her lifestyle. It says she’s just kind of a mess. If she can’t even tackle that small issue, lord knows what kind of whirling dervish her life is (not to mention, how neglected her vagina must be).
I’ve known many dudes who were seeing girls they kinda liked but the breath was the deal breaker. Bottom line, if you don’t wanna kiss that girl, you definitely do not wanna date her.

Being needy or dramatic for no reason.

Listen, i understand, daddy wasn’t around. Mommy didn’t hug you enough. Life is hard. I get it. But there is nothing less attractive to me than a needy girl. I could be balls deep in Mila Kunis and if she started whining about some bullshit and acting like the world is ending , it would be a wrap. My dick would repel into my body with the force of a black hole. It’s hard for me to really say whats worse: drama queens or needy girls. The drama queens are terrible cause you’re constantly dealing with them and their fucking issues. Issues that , to any sane person, would not be an issue. Issues that lead to petty beefs amongst their friends that you have to then hear about non-stop. The needy girls, though, are draining. They ask for so much of you but rarely give anything back in return. You’re pretty much a walking tub of rocky road ice cream and a shitty rom-com on DVD, there to fill their void. It’s one thing if actual drama or bad things are popping off. But , in the case of most girls like these types, nothing that bad is ever popping off. Just typical life shit that we all have to deal with.

If you don’t get along with my friends.

Girls should follow this one as well. You know when a girl is dating a guy and all her friends don’t like him? I’d say 9/10 times most girls will roll their eyes at their friends cries and just date the dude anyway which then leads to that girl going into a hole for a while until she realizes “oh shit, my friends were right, he’s a total asshole”. Well, This almost never happens with guys (the friends telling you they don’t like your girl part, not the going into a hole part). We may not always like each others girlfriends but we don’t attack our friends about it unless it’s a serious issue. The thing is, we really want our gf’s to get along with our friends. Not only cause that’s how it should be but because it enables us to see our friends more. She likes them. She trusts them. They can hang out and everything is great. I’ve never really dated a girl who didn’t get along with my core group of friends. So I really don’t know what would happen if that was the case. I’ve seen it from the outside where a friends GF simply does not get along with her man’s friends and it sucks. It cause rift that the boyfriend doesn’t even want to create but he has to stay somewhat loyal to his girl. Whatever happens, it’s unwanted drama and usually bullshit.

Certain physical traits
This one is kinda rough. Every guy has his likes and dislikes about how girls look. Some guys love a girl with mad tattoo’s and another might be revolted by that. But how a girl basically looks is a huge part. I feel like girl are able to overlook many of men’s physical faults. Girls can be won over by a charming or intelligent men even if he is fat and bald. And god bless them for that. But men, not so much. The sad truth is that most men know how far they’re willing to take a “relationship” with a girl within a few minutes of meeting her strictly based on looks. We know if you’re a “have sex with you a few times and that’s it” kinda girl all the way to if (a ton of other things fall into place) “you’re a prospect for something much deeper” type of girl and all things in between. I’d list actual physical traits that are deal breakers but the truth is all men are different and have certain things that may or may not be an issue. Like some dudes can’t fuck with a girl with wack feet or a huge nose. Other guys could car less about those things but can’t deal with a girl with thick calves. You never know…But , rest assured, we’re being judgmental pricks.

That’s all for now…I mean, I could probably go on for days but I’m guessing you get the picture. Feel free to add on…

Diss track extravaganza pt. 5

GB
Here we go again. Volume 5.
Again, if I’m missing some good old diss tracks, lemme know.
Email: phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Just be sure to go over the other volumes before you write out a list cause I’ve covered a decent amount thus far.
anyway, here goes:
http://www.mediafire.com/?pk7m5e4a5llhlp3

1)Harlem: Jim Jones Feat. Juelz Santana (dissing Jay-z)
2)Fuck Compton: Tim Dog (dissing all rappers from compton)
3)Nail in the coffin: Eminem (dissing Benzino)
4)No chorus: Kool Keith (Dissing all rappers. This one is a stretch but it’s always seemed so pointed as a diss track ,even though it’s more of a diss to a “scene” than any one person, I can’t really ignore it)
5)El Chupa Nibre: DangerDoom (dissing MF Grimm and M.I.C.)
6)Acknowledge: Masta Ace (dissing the High and the Mighty)
7)Pull Ya card: Saafir (Dissing Casual)
8)To da Break of dawn: LL Cool J (Dissing Kool Moe D, Ice T and Hammer)
9)The bitch in you: Common Sense (Dissing Ice Cube)
10)Calling out names: Kurupt (dissing DMX, Murder inc., Rough riders)