My neighbor, The faceless pussy.



I got home from a two week tour late last night. I go check my mail and come across something from “the neighborhood watch”. I ignore it immediately cause, what is this, Some suburban town where mail boxes are getting vandalized? Fuck that shit. My girlfriend, however, is a little more curious than I am, so she opens it and reads it. Instead of some lame “we gotta make this neighborhood safe” propaganda pamphlet, it’s actually a pointed (and anonymous) letter directed at all the people who live in my building. In particular, some people who live on the top floor (whom I’ve never met). As my girl is reading the letter, she stops and tells me my name is in the letter. Wha? I snatch it from her hand and , lo and behold, the last paragraph is aimed at me. Instead of explaining it further, here’s a scan of the actual letter. )I covered up the names, addresses and whatever cause, well, the internet is full of creeps and I don’t trust you motherfuckers.)

(click on it if it’s not big enough for your weak ass eyes)

Anyway, suffice to say this was one of those moments where I’m both furious but also pretty amused.
Furious cause of what I’m being accused of and amused at the amazing amount of wrong info this guy/girl had gathered about me. Even more amusing/Infuriating was the way the dickhead wrote it. From the childish baiting to the embarrassing usage of “Old Skool” , this person needs a avage beating only a jail snitch would be able to fathom.
I later go into the hallway of my building and notice the letter has actually been posted in the buildings common area. That was pretty much it. Because this letter was completely anonymous (yet obviously from some dickbag in my building) I took it upon myself to respond with my own letter, which i hung up in the hallway. I tried to be somewhat civilized but, in a case like this, you can only hold back so much.
Before going into that, there are a few things you need to know about me and this building
1)I’ve lived here for about 8 years and I own my apartment.
2)There is a communal backyard in the building that is shared by about 8 different apartments. In all the time I’ve lived here, I’ve spent maybe 2 minutes out there. It’s boring, It means I have to socialize with my neighbors and I have no interest in being around nature, even in it’s smallest doses.
3)I go out of my way , in this building, to keep to myself. I’m polite to all but I’m not trying to make friends. Because of this, i tend to keep fairly quiet (minus a few days here and there when friends are over pre-drinking or watching a sporting event). I even don’t make music at night. In other words, I’m very aware of noise and my neighbors.
Ok, so, with that, here’s my response:

Dear “concerned residents of 14th, 15th and 16th” street AKA “The Neighborhood watch”,

I recently got home from being out of town for two weeks to your anonymous letter concerning noise issues you have been having with some of the people in xxx Wxxth st. I’m not familiar with the xxxx family you so rudely decided to make an example of, but as a person who has lived in this building for almost 10 years, I can’t say I’ve ever noticed any sort of overtly loud parties coming from the top floor. But that’s besides the point, I’m more writing this to defend myself, as I am sure the xxxx’s are capable of that themselves. I’m more writing to make a few corrections to the letter you seemingly pulled directly out of your assumpton filled asshole. An asshole , I might add, that belongs to a total and complete asshole.
Allow me to formally introduce myself to you , even though you seem to know all about me already, judging from you’re childish and misinformed letter.
Hi, my name is Tony Simon. I DO live in Apartment xxx. I have lived here since 2002 (not since 2008). I am , indeed, a musician (although, I’m curious where you got the whole Reggae thing from. It’s called “Google”, it’s not that hard).
Here’s where things get a little confusing. According to you, I’m responsible for numerous loud parties in the back yard that can be heard from blocks away (we both know this is complete bullshit but let’s not get hung up on details). Well, guess what? In the 8 years I’ve lived here, I’ve never once had a party in the backyard. NOT A SINGLE PARTY. Hell, as any of my neighbors can attest to, I pretty much never set foot out there. At best, I’ve had friends over but it’s always stayed indoors and I can assure you XXX (my upstairs neighbor) is only person who would be close enough to hear that.
So, I ask of you, instead of writing anonymous letters like a scorned child and spreading false personal info about myself or the xxxx’s, I’d appreciate if you approached the problem like an adult and maybe discuss this kind of thing in person. I’d also ask that you not make things up , cause it kinda makes you look like a dipshit. An “OLD SKOOL” dipshit. At least, do us the honor of having your facts right. I realize we are all “mindless trailer trash” (I , for one, have lived in Greenwich Village my entire life, so i can see how that might come into play) but I think all parties involved would prefer a direct approach over this slanderous one you got working right now. You’re obviously a master of the internet as you found out info about myself and the xxxx’s, so put that genius to use and perhaps find our phone numbers and give them a call.
I will be reporting your letter the Condo company in hopes that, if anything, I can at least find who wrote this spineless letter in the first place. Maybe we can get together? I can play you some of my awesome reggae tracks. It’ll be a downright party!

Sincerely
Tony Simon AKA The Bob Marley of xxth street.

Not that bad, right? I could have been a much bigger asshole but I feel like sometimes taking the high road (well…sorta high) , works best these kind of situations.
Well, I posted this up and called my building manager’s today. Apparently , this letter has been all the rage this week and they have no idea who sent it. It also turns out , the party this person was complaining about was a fucking baby shower with a Karaoke machine. A FUCKING BABY SHOWER! Call the cops! A baby is being born. there must have been at least a pound of cocaine in there stuffed inside baby bjorns!
Thankfully, no one in the building took this at all seriously and the family the letter is about is actually pursuing legal action once they find out what anonymous cocksucker actually wrote the letter.
Well, I gotta go right now cause my horn section just showed up. We’re recording a remake of “stir it up” in my backyard. It’s gonna be epic. I even purchased riot sirens.

40 thoughts on “My neighbor, The faceless pussy.

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention My neighbor, The faceless pussy. « Phat Friend -- Topsy.com

  2. That story pretty much made my Wednesday stuck in class extremely tolerable.

    “there must have been at least a pound of cocaine in there stuffed inside baby bjorns!” Hahaha

  3. HOLY SHIT……………………………….

    Your a reggae producer?? Man when are you gonna drop Insomniac Vibrations….or Uncle Tonys Rolling Papers? Wait…did I get The Reggae Scene?

    Sorry man couldnt resist…..fuck those people.

  4. Yeah that passive aggressive shit is terrible. But it seems to be the go-to attitude for most people when they got some kind of frivolous issue.
    I think your response is appropriate. Eloquent but with a sufficient dose of counter-assholery. I hope you find out who that douche is so you can stand outside of his apartment with a boombox full of reggae.

  5. Hey you missed blacking out one of the names on the scanned letter. It’s in the last paragraph where it says “Between the Simons on the ground floor…”. Thought I’d give you a heads up.

    Also, I’m surprised you know what a Baby Bjorn is.

  6. Hey, maybe just listened to Its Raining Clouds and thought you were a reggae guy. This person was a total douche, words don’t quite express that.

    But hey, I’m looking forward to that Blockhead reggae album. Word on the street is its gonna have a cameo with Snow(remember him?) on it. MURDA, I LICK YA BUM BUM DOWN!

  7. JAH. stick it to the fucking man. extra hilarious because you avoid your courtyard like the plague. time for me to come over and get all rude boy on these spineless assholes.

  8. You…Reggae…Pfft Hahahaa!

    Their anonymous letter is just even more proof that wherever you go, most people ARE in fact spineless, self righteous assholes.

    I wonder what type of B.S they’ll come back with? Or if they will scurry away with their tails between their legs in avoidance of addressing your return to their self righteous propaganda.

    Nice response by the way.

  9. “There is a communal backyard in the building that is shared by about 8 different apartments. In all the time I’ve lived here, I’ve spent maybe 2 minutes out there.”

    Clearly this guy has never read your blog as you’ve written about how boring your back yard is before.

    I’m glad you took the Asshole-but Sorta-High-Road because I think that douchebag was just trying to scapegoat you just because you’re Blockhead.

  10. Tony-Tone never leavin the neighbours alone eh ?

    If you require any instructions on how to create [and more importantly, correctly throw] a petrol bomb, just say the word. I know violence isnt always the solution, but it’ll assist in the suppression of that cunts mouth for a bit

  11. JAH JAH JAHH! Dude what an epic response to a ridiculous letter.. I live in Colorado.. which you may view as some sort of “cow-town” type of place.. but that letter reaffirms my assumptions about some of the people that live in NY lol.. So when are you and Damian Marley going to do that “best of both worlds” album? I love that you completely responded to every part, didn’t hold anything back and just let ’em have it, and also letting all your neighbors know about the wonderful 60 bpm hits you make! lol. Awesome shit block. Def made my day way better.. this is the reason to read this blog, period.

  12. I get that people don’t like confrontation. I’d accept that someone slipped a much shorter, personal note under your door and those other people’s door asking them to be quiet. It would be a little pathetic, but acceptable. However, they wrote a ridiculously long note that, much more than being used to complain about their issue, seems to have been used to be really fucking creepy. I kind of got the feeling the person writing it didn’t expect anyone to back them up and they wrote the whole thing to show how much they knew about your neighbors and give the kind of impression that they could easily stalk them and one day murder them. Just my take.

  13. what a trip… Whoever wrote that first letter has some serious issues. The Big black bold “NOISE NAZIS” seems like they’re trying to provoke. Way excessive. Fuck them.

  14. Where I grew up, all of my neighbors were like this. My guess is that your anonymous letter writer is old, lives alone, and probably reads “the good book” everyday. Possibly has lots of cats, just found out the internet is a thing, and uses it to check out how evil sage francis is. (youtube it)

  15. Damn Antonio, that person made it sound like you went Nino Brown/CMB on your apartment complex.

    imho, you shouldn’t have replied, because that’s what this Employee type dude wanted from you.

    39

  16. I find im more pissed off with the more standard cases of someone being an asshole but tend to be amused also and not angry even sometimes with the more flagrant over the top extreme instances of douchebagery, like it is some interesting, unique and absurd specimen of human nature that is too unbelievable and incredible to bother taking seriously.

    Plus the person is probably lonely and unhappy in life. If your neighbour though, that’s no good, and the whole personal slanderous nature of it, yeah good call on the letter and a fair response id say.

  17. FWIW- “Which one of you jerks stole my Arnold Palmer” might be my favorite Blockhead track because of the reggae horns. Maybe these assholes are onto something?

  18. dude you might want to re-edit this i’m pretty sure the last name ‘bahl’ is not covered up in the photo. based off the context of the sentence and your rebuttal having a four letter last name. just looking out scout, but this was a great read lol

  19. So what happened? I’m guessing it turned out to be a middle aged, gay englishman… a late 80s raver perhaps. Out of touch but hip enough to spell old school with a K. Speaking of spelling, he spelt spelled with a spelt, which is ye olde smoking gun. Other phrases and syntax point to a miserable whinging UK sod. Yes?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s