Monthly Archives: January 2011

Notes from the road Vol. 4

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So, I’m now 5 dates deep into this tour and everything has gone great. So well, in fact, I kinda wish I had more to complain about simply for the sake of this blog. But, like any curmudgeon worth his salt, I think I can find some shit to bitch about.
Let’s see…

The first stop on the tour was Milford, Connecticut. You may be asking yourself, “What is that?”. Well, it’s a town where they paid us to come to perform on a tuesday. Can’t be mad at that. It was a small venue with a friendly staff. Usually, the first thing we do when we arrive at any venue is check for internet and find the greenroom. This place had both. Unfortunate for us, the green room was basically a 2000 square foot attic with no heat. If my internet addiction is ever questioned (why would it be?), I think I could submit a photo of myself , in full winter gear , huddling over my laptop and twittering about how fucking cold I am.

Anyway, the show went well. For a tuesday in Milford, I think we killed it. Two little side notes about this though:

1)When work bro’s attack.
I was sitting in the back of the venue at the merch table (like I always do). As Emancipator played, I noticed something funny in my section. There were about 15 fresh from the office bro’s and bro-ette’s getting absolutely shit faced. Dressed in full office attire and drenched in the scent of unhappiness and submission, this group lined up shot after fruity shot as they intermingled with one another all while a show was going on. Now, here’s my deal. This venue was obviously a place where these types frequent. but there was a $15 door fee and super loud ass non-Dave Matthews related music playing. Meaning, they came there, and paid , on a tuesday night just to get drunk. This speaks either volumes about them or about Milford as a place where the choices are few and far between, I haven’t really decided which one it is yet. But, I will say this: obliterated , questionably gay (but definitely in the closet), arab , not quite a midget but close , business dudes are EXTREMELY entertaining to observe dance. It’s a serious whirlwind of oddity.

2)The flagrant GF
After my set ended I greeted some fans and just hung out for a bit. There was this one girl there who I had noticed earlier , not cause she was hot (She was attractive but…) but cause she looked 14 years old. The more of these shows I do the more I realize how out of touch I am with how old people look. This girl was tiny and just extremely young faced. The kind of girl they might use as bait in a “To catch a predator” sting operation. Anyway, she approaches me and immediately starts in. she lives in NY (the Bronx) and goes to school in city and want to “Party” sometime. Now, for me, this is always a weird situation. In my mind, she’s obviously trying to get down on some level without overtly saying she wants to fuck. Being that I have a serious girlfriend, this kind of this isn’t really an option. The thing is though, I don’t really wanna get into the whole “I have a GF” talk with this girl who very well just may go away any second. It’s one of those tiny problems that could easily fix itself if I just play it nice until it’s over. At one point, she basically rapes my phone number out of me (I’mma get into this a little later). While this isn’t the end of the world (My phone is filled with numbers of people I’ll never speak to who did a similar thing), it is always slightly unsettling. I don’t know this girl. She could be a total stalker and could find where I live. I sometimes think in extremes so the thought of How I would explain this love lorn woman/child to my girl if she shows up with a bottle of whiskey , wearing nothing but glow sticks and panties definitely went through my head.
Anyway, the transaction was made and I was just gonna play it as it goes. About an hour later, she texted me , reminding me who she was and reaffirming that whole “LEt’s PARTAY!” offer.. I put her in my phone as “Annie (not her real name) the 14 year old)”. While I could have ignored her text, I opted to nip this in the bud. I wrote back that I had a girl and I dunno if it would be a good idea to “party” with her. She responded with a chuckle saying “Hahaha…It’s all good. I have a BF too. We can hang. Bring your lady!”
Umm…ok. Weird response but I felt more at ease as it was clear this wouldn’t become an issue. I wrote back some simple “haha….cool!” type thing and I figured that was that. The next day , I wake up with two texts from her. One was just some “so did you have fun at the show!?!?” type shit but the other was gold. Pure, flagrant , shitty girlfriend gold that should haunt any man in a relationship with a girl of even the most vaguely loose morals.
It read (i’m paraphrasing here) : OMG, My BF is so lame. I got home and put on lingerie and heels for him and he told me to go to bed. We should totally hang soon…”
Now, it’s nothing that crazy. But the mind of young girls is fascinating…and evil.
I later found out that that girl was at the show with her fucking boyfriend. She did all this shit right under his nose. Ughh…suck to be him. I might also add that she wasn’t even a “Fan” of mine. She was seeing and hearing me for the first time. So, that leads me to believe , if she was actually a fan, she might have actually raped me live on stage. Shit’s real, bro.

The second show was in Burlington Vermont. A place I have been a few times and always had a great time in. It’s a touch hippie for my taste but, to be fair, everything that isn’t concrete is a touch hippie for my taste. The show was one of the best shows I’ve ever had. But, that’s neither here nor there.
Let’s get into the minutia of the matter.

1) THE BURL
If you follow my twitter , you may have noticed me going a little overboard pushing an agenda. That agenda was christen Burlington with the hipper and shorter nickname The Burl”. Every city needs it’s nickname and how this one has slipped through the cracks is beyond me.
“No doubt son, I stay up in the Burl 24/7”
“Yo, b, you hear that nigga got shot up in the Burl last night?
“Oh my god, I ate the best french toast in Burl! It had homegrown , organic winkleberries in it!”
That just rolls off the tongue.
I ran it by a few people and it was shot down pretty hard. But, Burlington-er’s, I beg of you, reconsider. It’s just too perfect.
Regardless of what you motherfuckers say or think, you will forever live in The BURL as far as i’m concerned.

2)Bearded children
One thing that stuck out to me about The Burl was how old the young males looked. We did an all ages show and anybody with and “X” on their hand was under 21. The amount of “X” handed dudes I saw with crazy full beards was insane. Dude walking around looking like emo paul bunyun yet can only order sprite’s at the bar.
I’ve been to plenty hippie towns before but there must be something in the water out there. Or they got a case of “Burlamin buttons” popping off.

The phone rape

This isn’t related to any show in particular but more just explaining what happens when you do shows.
Since when did it become ok to ask strangers for their phone number? I don’t mean guys asking girls and vice versa. I mean random fans thinking I wanna just give out my personal phone number to anyone who’s ever made a demo before. It’s really strange to me cause I never would consider asking someone for anything like that. Especially someone I was a fan of. it’s one of those obvious code-of-conduct life rules that you assume all people just naturally follow. But, alas, some people walk to a beat of their own drummer. A weird, off beat drummer with terrible manners.

Song of the day 1/28/11

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On the road Again REMIX By The Jungle Brothers (feat. Q-Tip)
http://www.usershare.net/4qw7b031qguk

Yeah dude, I am on the road. So I chose this song. Not exactly rocket science. Great song though. Somehow, I imagine the Jungle Brothers and Q-tip’s touring experience to be slightly different than mine though. I’m not sure if that means it had more incense and “chill vibes” or if it was a non-stop drug fueled orgy but I just see it as different. I suppose I’ll never know.

Some video’s I’m enjoying right now…

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On tour…only so much I can write. I’ll let moving pictures tell their own story.

This video might not make sense to some of you. A while back, there was a viral video called “duel of the iron mic”. If you haven’t seen it, welcome to the internet. Anyway, watch it in the link above if that’s the case. What I bring you now, is the return of Eli porter.
Still the best mayne.

This second video was sent to me by my homegirl Amy K. Nelson. It’s the world greatest play by play man. There are no words.

This last one is an “animated” version of a terrible review some online video game got. Word for word.
The thing is, the game the kid is reviewing is a joke in itself that he didn’t get. Stick around till the end cause you will never wanna say the word “because” the same again.

Answers to questions Vol. 9

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The beat goes on. Send more questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave’em in the comments right here. Again, I prefer random non-music related questions/topics but I’ll take what I can get.
Let’s do this.

got a question…
so what do you think about people who are so interested in your opinion about so random things like… food, traveling? isn’t it kinda weird….?

Good question. As a person who likes to hear himself talk, it’s awesome. Anytime someone genuinely wants to hear what you have to say , it feels nice. It is weird on some level as , who the fuck am I, really?
Whatever the case, I’m glad people do cause this shit is fun for me and it’s good to have hobbies.

How do you feel about Olivia Munn’s departure from attack of the show, and debut into prime time television?

Well , first off, that show doesn’t exist to me anymore. Nothing personal but , without Munn, I’m not watching it. Secondly, I’m happy for her success. I can’t say I love that show she’s on but I genuinely love her enough that it doesn’t matter. I mean, shit, she’s already so famous that there’s a backlash against her. That’s when you know shit is going well. On a side note, I follow her on twitter and she posted a pic of herself. I noticed from the background that it’s this bar I’m always at. Like a creep, I wrote her a weird tweet about how if I had been there I would have tried my best to not stare at her to grossly (or something like that). She never responded. Oh well.

what is proper public bathroom etiquette?
I’m somewhat of a novice with public bathrooms. I’ll pee anywhere but shitting is a different story. With that in mind, lemme see if I can draw up a few guidelines, as I see them.
1)Eyes up top.
Obviously, don’t look at another mans cock while he’s peeing. That goes without saying. But, it’s easily rule #1

2)Not everyone needs to wash their hands after peeing.
With all these toilets that flush on their own now, washing your hands after peeing is somewhat pointless. How dirty is the skin of your dick? So dirty that you need to clean your hands off? Assuming you didn’t piss on your fingers or touch the inside of the urinal, you should be good to go. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it , it’s just shouldn’t be obligatory. I’ve seen people scoff at others who don’t wash their hands after peeing. Fuck them. Learn to piss straight and it’s not an issue.

3)If you gotta go, let it fly
Pretty much all the times I’ve had to let a huge dump out in public were emergencies. Otherwise I wouldn’t be there. When you first approach this situation , I think most people try to be coy about it and attempt to silently slip out the quietest shit known to man. This never works as it just tends to lead to a drawn out farting sequence that sounds like a grade school band tuning their instruments. So, the answer is just to have no shame and let it fly. Shit your brains out. You don’t know these other people. Let them bask in your horrific dump. If you want, hit them with a courtesy flush…or don’t. Again, you don’t know them. Not to mention, we’ve all been there. It may be gross to hear another person do it but , surely, we can all relate.

4) Don’t speak.
Word to No Doubt. When pissing or shitting next to someone, keep your fucking mouth shut. This includes cell phone conversations cause , i’m not looking at you. Maybe I think you’re talking to me. Public bathrooms should be treated like libraries. Keep everything to a whisper. Except for thunderous dumps. That’s out of your hands.

if you were to pick an 8 song track list from all of your solo work, what would it be?

It’s hard to say cause I’m sick of all the older shit to a point where I can’t really gauge how much I like it or ever liked it. What do remember is how I felt when I made certain songs so maybe I can go off that.
In no particular order:
1) The first snowfall
2)Sunday Seance
3)A better place
4)The strain
5)Farewell Spaceman
6)It’s raining clouds
7)NYC Bounce
8)Roll out the red carpet

That’s about right….who knows? You like how I took two from every album? I’m OCD like that.

So I had a buddy yesterday make a comment that I suppose kinda irked me since I’m seeking your response. I made the comment that we were prolly into different hip hop, and then said “hip hop is hip hop” I personally disagree, but perhaps I’m being pretentious. It’s like saying Aesop Rock, Blackalicious, Atmosphere, MF Doom, the Juice Crew are the same as FLOrida and all these new school fools. What are your thoughts? Sorry if this questions comes across as a waste of time.

There are tons of different types of hip hop within the spectrum. Sure, Aesop is nothing like Flo-rida but they do both fit under the same umbrella. When I was younger and a total elitist underground hip hop nazi, I might have argued differently but , the truth of it is, if it’s not all “Hip hop” then it’s all just made up sub genre’s. Just cause someone says they like hip hop but only listens to Waka Flocka and Flo-rida doesn’t effect the kinda shit you listen to. The same way the Strokes are as much rock and roll as Linkin park.

What are your thoughts on “Cupcaking/Cupcaker” Homies?

(note: I had no idea what he was talking about so he sent me the urban dictionary definition of the term:
1. To be in the honeymoon phase of a courtship or relationship; when a couple is engaged in public displays of affection and/or being anti-social by only paying attention to one another during a social outting with a group of friends. 2. When a guy or a girl chooses to spend time with a love interest over their friends. However, this term is more commonly used to describe men who become MIA (missing in action) after getting with a girl or getting into a relationship.)

First off, great term. So much to say on this topic.
Listen, we’ve all been in relationships. There’s no shame in showing your better half that you actually like them. And, especially in it’s early stages, people do get wrapped up in one another. They disappear into a cocoon of sex and take out food for a week. I get that. I’ve never been that dude , as I tend to wanna take long luxurious dumps and be alone for a bit every day, but I get it. So, as far as definition #1 above, I’m not even mad. Granted. PDA is fucking corny. Unless people are drunk, it’s almost always the girl initiating it on the guy , who would no doubt much rather just take this fiasco inside and getting down to business. But it’s part of the courting process and hating on that would be like hating on getting laid.
#2 , however, is a different story. The Term “chooses” is a peculiar one. Cause, while a man does like spending time with him girl, I find it hard to believe any man “chooses” to spend ALL of his time with his girl. No. This just kinda happens when the girls gets her claws in you. Keep in mind, this is not every girlfriend. Not even close. But , it is a particular kind of girlfriend. A needy and exhausting kind that breaks a normal man down to the point were resistance is futile. It get’s so bad that a dude can’t even go to a sporting event with his friends once in a blue moon or hang out for more than 2 hours at a time without having to take a long , invested phone call with his girl whose side he just left. I realize, this sounds very one sided and I can acknowledge that. The truth is, the guy in this situation allows this to happen. So, he’s just as at fault as the girl. It also should be said that some dudes are just as codependent as their girls are. They genuinely do need to be around their girls as much as the girls need to be around them. I’d say it’s rare, but it happens.
There is one beautiful side note to this phenomenon. When a dude enters this world, and vanishes from his friends for a year, while we may make fun of him and call him a pussy whipped bitch behind his back, he’s always welcomed back into the fold. That’s never an issue. Guys have an open door policy with friendships. Unless some bad shit goes down, no one is getting exed out of the cypher for a reason as stupid as “hanging with your girl too much”. Girls, however, are on some other shit. Not to get too deep into it but lemme try and verbalize this. Women have two tiers of friends. One is the top tier. These are the girls you’ve known forever and they’re not going anywhere. They’ll be at your wedding and your funeral. The second tier are the disposable friends. These are girls who, at some point, are “BEST” friends. They hang out together hard for a month. Go out together. Really, they are glorified party acquaintances. When a girl gets in a relationship, these are the first to go. They may hang around for a week or two but once the relationship gets at all serious they’re as disposable as a tampon to the wifed up girl. It’s these girls that really get the short end of the stick , when it comes to “Cupcaking”. But, on the bright side, you best believe that when they get wifed up, they’ll get to drop those tier two hoes just a quickly.

A friendly heads up to my touring companions

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First off, I just wanted to remind you all once again that I’ll be on tour with Emancipator as of tomorrow for a while. Two weeks now and then 10 days in late February. In case you’ve missed it, here are those dates:
1.25 Milford CT @ Daniel Street Club
1.26 Burlington VT @ Higher Ground
1.27 Boston MA @ The Church
1.28 NYC, NY @ Music Hall of Williamsburg
1.29 Buffalo, NY @ Soundlab
2.01 Asheville, NC @ Stella Blue
2.02 Charleston, SC @ The Pourhouse
2.03 Athens GA @ New Earth Music Hall
2.04 Tallahassee FL @ The Engine Room
2.05 Gainsville FL @ The Venue
2.06 Atlanta GA @ King Plow Art Center
2/21Aspen, CO@ Bellyup Aspen
2/22Steamboat Springs, CO @ Ghost Ranch Saloon
2.23 Fort Collins CO @ Hodi’s Half Note
2.24 Boulder CO @ Fox Theatre
2.25 Dallas TX @ Tree’s
2.26 Austin TX @ Aces Lounge
2.27 New Orleans, LA @ The Hookah
Please come out. We’d love to see you. I got all sorts of merch goodies and it should be a good time.
The only downside to touring is that this blog takes a slight productivity hit. I’mma try and post stuff as much a possible but I make no promises. I’m sure I’ll pick up on my “Notes from the road” posts that I did last time. Those were fun and educational.
Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, I figured now might be a good time to give a heads up to my travel companions. Let me explain. This is a small tour. 4 dudes in a van. Me, Emancipator (which is two guys for the tour even though he’s actually one person) and a tour manager. I’ve never met this tour manager but I will be sharing a hotel room with him for the better part of the next month or so. I figure now would be a better time than ever to just let him know to expect when it comes to bunking with me on tour.
First off, I’m a very easy going person when touring. My whole mind set is do what you gotta do and get through it. I rarely complain about anything and , in general, keep an upbeat mood. So, that’s good right? Yeah. However, like all humans, I have my idiosyncrasies. I figure the honorable thing to do is just let you in on them now (even though, in reality, you will never read this blog and have no clue I even have a blog).

1)Farting
This is gonna happen. A lot. Especially considering the kinds of food people tend to eat when on the road. Allow me to just apologize in advance for that. They will be loud and they will smell. I wish I could control either of those things but , unfortunately, that’s impossible. Early in the tour, I may try and hold some of them in out of respect but I’m sure by day 4 , all hell will break loose. Just know it’s nothing personal. My stomach just hates me.

2)Sleeping
I’m a terrible sleeper in general but, miraculously, I tend to sleep ok when on tour. Feel free to watch Tv while I drift off. In fact, I like a little background noise. I’m not a snorer so that’s a plus. However, there is something you might wanna know about me. I’m a sleep rapist. Just kidding. No, I’ve been told that , particularly when I’ve been drinking, I talk in my sleep. Here’s the thing, I’m always super jovial when I do it. From what I’ve been told (by my girlfriend who has had to actually endure this shit while in the same bed as me) , my sleep talking consists of me giggling uncontrollably, speaking complete gibberish but in a very funny way and , on occasion, making clear statements that make no sense in any context whatsoever. So, yeah, heads up on that. If you hear me exclaim “That barn door was no under the moon stencil!” , just know it means I’m enjoying my dreams.

3)My addiction
I’m not an addictive person. I don’t have many vices. I drink on occasion but you’ll never have to deal with a belligerent drunk that needs tending to. I don’t smoke weed or do coke so you’ll also never have to deal with me either fiending for anything and bothering you about helping me get it. That said, there is one addiction I can’t deny. Internet. I need it. I want it. All the time. The Irony is that my phone is from the 90’s and does not have any internet access. I’ve done that on purpose cause I’m so internet reliant , I prefer to not have it on my phone so I can function when out of the house. I need the break. However, on tour, shit gets real. 6 hours drives with no internet to venues with no internet to hotels with shoddy internet. All I’m saying is that when you see me scramble for my computer at the first sign of Wi-Fi, don’t be alarmed. It’s my addiction at work. I’m checking E-mail , writing a blog, looking at facebook, making fantasy basketball moves or twittering about whatever the fuck pops in my head. So, be aware. In reality, this doesn’t effect you that much but know when I’m connected to the internet after 18 hours of non-connection, I’m dead to the world and trying to communicate with me is futile. unless you wanna send me an E-mail. I’ll answer that right away.

4)Feed me
I’m not one of these people who can not eat for long periods of time. I’ve toured with tons of people who can wake up at 7 am and just not be hungry until noon. While I envy these types, I’m simply not a part of that gang. No matter how tired or hungover I am, I need food within an hour and half of waking up. ALWAYS. If I don’t, I get nauseous and rattled. It’s literally the only time on any tour you might see me freak out a little (not counting when hotel internet doesn’t work. In those cases I might act like someone killed my newborn child in front of me). But don’t fret, this isn’t as big a deal as it seems. While I’d always prefer a meal, I also understand that time is of the essence when touring. We stopping at a gas station? Cool. Beef jerky for breakfast it is. I’m flexible. I just need to put some crap in my stomach. One time, while on the road a few years back, we stopped at a gas station at 7 am after getting about 3 hours of sleep. I was starving and purchased a corn dog and a piece of friend chicken that had been sitting under a heat lamp for probably 12 years. It wasn’t my proudest moment and I paid for it later “fecally”, but it was what I needed at the time. So, yeah, let’s eat.

That’s about it. Not that bad right? Other than all that shit, I’d say I’m a dream tour companion.

Song of the day 1/21/11

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Radio head By Danny Brown
http://www.usershare.net/fgq1lyln3skt

I’ve posted a lot of Danny Brown on this blog cause, well, he’s awesome. I just heard this new song and figured I’d share. The beat is retarded. Danny kills it. I swear, listening to him really brings me back to a feeling I don’t get very often anymore. The same youthful excitement I used to get when i was listening to Lord Finesse or Kool G rap back in the day where you’re waiting on every line cause you know he’s gonna deliver. Good shit.

My tour only 7”

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Just to explain, this is a 7” I made specifically to sell on tour. It’s two remix’s I made (Yesterday is here/Lost and lookin’) and I only pressed 500 copies.
I’ll be selling them on my upcoming tour (peep the dates on the side bar) but for those of you who don’t live in those places, allow me to do you a solid. The good people at Accesshiphop.com are gonna get some from me for you to buy online. Supplies are limited so act fast and place your advanced order. here’s the info:
http://www.accesshiphop.com/store/?itemid=20367

How about my awesome camera work? you’re welcome. The art work is by Owen Brozman who also did the cover of my album “The music scene”.

The Horror

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Watching this video seriously makes me want to remove myself from this planet. Not cause I feel bad for the homeless dudes who got crept on by that huge rat , but because I simply cannot handle rats. Like most New Yorkers, I’ve had plenty of shitty experiences with rats. It pretty much goes with the territory. The thing about rats that , aside from their notoriety as being carriers of the plague, is that they are fearless. The amount of times I’ve been strolling down the street and had a rat run over my feet is more than I can count. So, in honor of this horrifying video, here’s some of my least favorite rat moments over the years. Keep in mind, these stories are no where near as bad as having a rat crawl on your face while you’re sleeping but if you can add in my natural fear and disdain for the animals, it helps with the stories.

1)The garbage can
One night, I was walking down 3rd avenue, approaching Cooper union park. It was misty out and i saw movement in the distance. Because if was dark, I couldn’t really make out what I was seeing. Even within 20 feet, I couldn’t tell what was going on. However, a few steps more and I stopped dead in my tracks and turned the fuck around. What i saw was a garbage can with rats POURING out of it. Literally hundreds of rats running in and out of the can to the point where they moved in a fluid like motion. You ever see those National geographic episodes about rat infestation? yeah, it was like that but all in one garbage can. To this day, I cross the street when i walk by that shitty park.

2)The trap

Back in my early twenties, I worked in a bakery. Anyone who has worked in NYC where food is made or sold , can tell you that rats are in effect. When I first got there, the rats were only an issue in the basement. They’d be chilling down there with the coffee cups and plastic knives whenever I had to restock. Suffice to say, re-stocking was pretty nerve wracking for me. One time, I went down there heard a rustle in the corner. I was in the center of the room and the biggest rat I had ever seen was taking the most leisurely stroll I’ve ever seen right by the entrance. I was completely frozen. It was the size of a fat french baguette. Then, I hear another sound, and another equally large rat gets his roll on about two feet behind me. It’s like they were sharks circling. Eventually they disappeared into the darkness and I ran my ass upstairs. I then sent the fearless south american dish cleaning guy down cause he loved murdering rats with a broom. Seriously , he enjoyed that shit. He’d often come back INTO THE FUCKING BAKERY with a dead , bludgeoned rat in a dust pan just to show me his handy work. I’m glad he did it, but fuck, bro. Remind me never to go to El Salvador.

3)Cake time

Eventually, the rats downstairs realized all the food was upstairs. Cakes, muffins, meats and all sorts of tasty shit for a fat, over fed rat to enjoy. This was a serious problem for me cause the bakery was pretty slender. I was behind a counter , in a corner, serving people and , on occasion, a rat would waddle towards me. i’d be totally cornered. Luckily, they’d always eventually go elsewhere but you can imagine my distress when I was serving an unsuspecting customer food and a rat was 3 feet away from me. I can safely say that the board of health frowns upon that. I could tell all sorts of stories about that whole situation (one where the rap got into the fridge display unit , where all the salads were, and basically destroyed everything. All this done is the eye sight of any customer who walked in) but the real cherry on top of this was the time I walked into the back of the bakery , where all the baked good were kept, and saw a rat dead in the center of an entire frosted cake, going to town. It was on the counter, waiting to be picked up. I turned the fuck around and quit soon after that.

4)My building.

Last year, the apartment building i live in had a rat issue. Now, I live on the bottom floor. Where all the rat activity is. The problem was primarily in the garbage room. I hadn’t actually seen the culprits but management was kind enough to put up a sign over the garbage that read “Rats are here”. Awesome. Apparently, the rats had been whylin’ out in the trash so the management built an elevated level to put all the cans on cause, you know, rats can’t climb or anything. At first sight of the “Rats are here” sign, I got a mild panic attack. I felt helpless. I was standing by the door of the garbage room, looking at the empty garbage cans resting atop their elevated surface. No rats in sight. But something just didn’t sit right with me. Instead of strolling over to the cans like I normally would, I opted to stay where I was and just throw the bags into the cans. i was about 8 -10 feet away so it didn’t seem like that big a risk. I threw the first one. Nailed it.Then I threw the second one, it bounced around the top of a few of the cans but finally fell in. Right as it fell in, a single rat shot up out of one of the other cans like he had been catapulted. I turned around, shut the door and ran back to my apartment like the scaredest bitch alive. My building eventually went to great measures to fix the rat problem but I’d be lying if I said I’m not a little shook every time I take out the garbage.

Now, those stories are gross. But how bout a little palate cleanser? About mice. Cause, you know what? Mice are cute. I actually kinda like mice. I lived with one in my old crib for a while and it was never an issue…until I killed it.

So, yeah, I had this mouse co-habitating with me in an old place i lived at. He minded his own business. he was about the size of a marshmallow. However, our beautiful life together came to an end one day when he crossed the line. i was sitting in sweatpants playing nintendo one day. I heard that familiar rustling of my little dude and paid it no mind. Then, all of a sudden, i felt a tickle on my leg. A leg, that was inside of sweatpants. I scratched my upper calf and , like downhill skier, the mouse shot out my pant leg. That little motherfucker had ran into my sweatpants! That was it. No more free ride. I vowed that the next time he’s around, I was gonna capture him somehow and get rid of him. A few days later, I was awoken to a very quiet sound (i’m a bitch ass light sleeper, it happens). I open my eyes and look over at this old butterfly chair I had and, WHAT THE FUCK?
The mouse is standing on the highest point of that chair on his hind legs. It was almost as if he was yelling at me from the highest mountain. I didn’t even know he could do that. i just kinda sat there watching as he gingerly made his way down back to the ground. This was my chance. I grabbed a shoe box from near my bed and loomed. The mouse was kinda just walking aimlessly around on my rug. When the time was right, I pounced and trapped him under the shoebox. My next move was to get a record to put under the box and scoop the motherfucker up. I did this and slowly walked with this makeshift trap to my window. I opened the window and pulled the earth out from under that little asshole. He fell about 4 stories. i didn’t see him land or anything but there was plenty of ivy on the way down for him to grab onto if he really wanted to live. Who knows? Maybe he survived. All i know is that motherfucker was not running up my leg ever again. Score one for the humans.