So, I’m now 5 dates deep into this tour and everything has gone great. So well, in fact, I kinda wish I had more to complain about simply for the sake of this blog. But, like any curmudgeon worth his salt, I think I can find some shit to bitch about.
The first stop on the tour was Milford, Connecticut. You may be asking yourself, “What is that?”. Well, it’s a town where they paid us to come to perform on a tuesday. Can’t be mad at that. It was a small venue with a friendly staff. Usually, the first thing we do when we arrive at any venue is check for internet and find the greenroom. This place had both. Unfortunate for us, the green room was basically a 2000 square foot attic with no heat. If my internet addiction is ever questioned (why would it be?), I think I could submit a photo of myself , in full winter gear , huddling over my laptop and twittering about how fucking cold I am.
Anyway, the show went well. For a tuesday in Milford, I think we killed it. Two little side notes about this though:
1)When work bro’s attack.
I was sitting in the back of the venue at the merch table (like I always do). As Emancipator played, I noticed something funny in my section. There were about 15 fresh from the office bro’s and bro-ette’s getting absolutely shit faced. Dressed in full office attire and drenched in the scent of unhappiness and submission, this group lined up shot after fruity shot as they intermingled with one another all while a show was going on. Now, here’s my deal. This venue was obviously a place where these types frequent. but there was a $15 door fee and super loud ass non-Dave Matthews related music playing. Meaning, they came there, and paid , on a tuesday night just to get drunk. This speaks either volumes about them or about Milford as a place where the choices are few and far between, I haven’t really decided which one it is yet. But, I will say this: obliterated , questionably gay (but definitely in the closet), arab , not quite a midget but close , business dudes are EXTREMELY entertaining to observe dance. It’s a serious whirlwind of oddity.
2)The flagrant GF
After my set ended I greeted some fans and just hung out for a bit. There was this one girl there who I had noticed earlier , not cause she was hot (She was attractive but…) but cause she looked 14 years old. The more of these shows I do the more I realize how out of touch I am with how old people look. This girl was tiny and just extremely young faced. The kind of girl they might use as bait in a “To catch a predator” sting operation. Anyway, she approaches me and immediately starts in. she lives in NY (the Bronx) and goes to school in city and want to “Party” sometime. Now, for me, this is always a weird situation. In my mind, she’s obviously trying to get down on some level without overtly saying she wants to fuck. Being that I have a serious girlfriend, this kind of this isn’t really an option. The thing is though, I don’t really wanna get into the whole “I have a GF” talk with this girl who very well just may go away any second. It’s one of those tiny problems that could easily fix itself if I just play it nice until it’s over. At one point, she basically rapes my phone number out of me (I’mma get into this a little later). While this isn’t the end of the world (My phone is filled with numbers of people I’ll never speak to who did a similar thing), it is always slightly unsettling. I don’t know this girl. She could be a total stalker and could find where I live. I sometimes think in extremes so the thought of How I would explain this love lorn woman/child to my girl if she shows up with a bottle of whiskey , wearing nothing but glow sticks and panties definitely went through my head.
Anyway, the transaction was made and I was just gonna play it as it goes. About an hour later, she texted me , reminding me who she was and reaffirming that whole “LEt’s PARTAY!” offer.. I put her in my phone as “Annie (not her real name) the 14 year old)”. While I could have ignored her text, I opted to nip this in the bud. I wrote back that I had a girl and I dunno if it would be a good idea to “party” with her. She responded with a chuckle saying “Hahaha…It’s all good. I have a BF too. We can hang. Bring your lady!”
Umm…ok. Weird response but I felt more at ease as it was clear this wouldn’t become an issue. I wrote back some simple “haha….cool!” type thing and I figured that was that. The next day , I wake up with two texts from her. One was just some “so did you have fun at the show!?!?” type shit but the other was gold. Pure, flagrant , shitty girlfriend gold that should haunt any man in a relationship with a girl of even the most vaguely loose morals.
It read (i’m paraphrasing here) : OMG, My BF is so lame. I got home and put on lingerie and heels for him and he told me to go to bed. We should totally hang soon…”
Now, it’s nothing that crazy. But the mind of young girls is fascinating…and evil.
I later found out that that girl was at the show with her fucking boyfriend. She did all this shit right under his nose. Ughh…suck to be him. I might also add that she wasn’t even a “Fan” of mine. She was seeing and hearing me for the first time. So, that leads me to believe , if she was actually a fan, she might have actually raped me live on stage. Shit’s real, bro.
The second show was in Burlington Vermont. A place I have been a few times and always had a great time in. It’s a touch hippie for my taste but, to be fair, everything that isn’t concrete is a touch hippie for my taste. The show was one of the best shows I’ve ever had. But, that’s neither here nor there.
Let’s get into the minutia of the matter.
1) THE BURL
If you follow my twitter , you may have noticed me going a little overboard pushing an agenda. That agenda was christen Burlington with the hipper and shorter nickname The Burl”. Every city needs it’s nickname and how this one has slipped through the cracks is beyond me.
“No doubt son, I stay up in the Burl 24/7”
“Yo, b, you hear that nigga got shot up in the Burl last night?
“Oh my god, I ate the best french toast in Burl! It had homegrown , organic winkleberries in it!”
That just rolls off the tongue.
I ran it by a few people and it was shot down pretty hard. But, Burlington-er’s, I beg of you, reconsider. It’s just too perfect.
Regardless of what you motherfuckers say or think, you will forever live in The BURL as far as i’m concerned.
One thing that stuck out to me about The Burl was how old the young males looked. We did an all ages show and anybody with and “X” on their hand was under 21. The amount of “X” handed dudes I saw with crazy full beards was insane. Dude walking around looking like emo paul bunyun yet can only order sprite’s at the bar.
I’ve been to plenty hippie towns before but there must be something in the water out there. Or they got a case of “Burlamin buttons” popping off.
The phone rape
This isn’t related to any show in particular but more just explaining what happens when you do shows.
Since when did it become ok to ask strangers for their phone number? I don’t mean guys asking girls and vice versa. I mean random fans thinking I wanna just give out my personal phone number to anyone who’s ever made a demo before. It’s really strange to me cause I never would consider asking someone for anything like that. Especially someone I was a fan of. it’s one of those obvious code-of-conduct life rules that you assume all people just naturally follow. But, alas, some people walk to a beat of their own drummer. A weird, off beat drummer with terrible manners.