Enter the gym world

After decades of skating by on good metabolism, I’ve finally reached that point in my adult life where it is time to join a gym. Until now, I’ve been able to stay “in shape” (to me , that really means “Not a total fat ass”) simply by playing basketball a few times a week. I’m not sure what happened (aging?!?!) but a wall was hit and a gut started really taking form. Like most 30+ year old slobs, I have vowed with the changing of the year that I would commit to the gym. Meaning, go a couple times a week while still maintaining my basketball regiment. I figured this will be all I need to keep myself off of an MTV show based about wheel barrow bound fatties crying into plate of french fries. Here’s the problem, I’ve never done any of this kinda shit in my life and I seriously underestimated my preparedness levels. My idea was to go in and hit the running machines, the bikes and all the other cardio-based thing. I’m not trying to get buff. I just wanna lose some weight.
So, I join this gym near my house. It’s pretty nice and way too expensive. Now, to those of you who have been going to gyms for a long time and know what to expect, this will be old hat to you. Nothing I’m gonna say here will be a revelation. But, as a complete outsider, I was not privy to the inner dealings of going to the gym. Keep in mind, i’m only two weeks in but I just wanted to write down some things I’ve noticed that I didn’t know of or expect prior to my entrance into this weird world of fitness. Again, this is the beginner’s beginner guide right here. I’m basically a new born baby in the world.

1)A whole lotta dicks
I can’t remember the last time I was in a locker room on a regular basis. It was probably high school. You know what people did back then? Put their dicks away. In the gym setting, this is not the case. In fact, it would seem like just letting you dick hang out as much as possible is way to be. I’m not saying people have to be all secretive and nervous about it but a little cover up isn’t hurting anyone. Dudes are literally walking around butt naked while holding a towel in their hands. Oh you’re dry? Awesome. How bout you slap that towel around your fucking waist so I don’t have dangling little cocks on all side of my periphery. I mean , seriously. It’s out of control. I was putting my shit in a locker and this dude just casual strolled up to the locker next to mine, dick flailing, and proceeded to slowly dry his legs off like a foot from my face. Normally I would think this is some gay pick up move (This gym is in the village) but he was just some old guy with wet legs. All I’m saying is why are the rules off in terms of dick coverage? It’s like fucking Deadwood in there for stray penis. There are no laws.

2)I underestimated these running machines
I’ve never been much of a runner. I doubt I could run a mile in less than 8 minutes. I’m fucking lazy. But the idea of these easy to use running machines is pretty much the reason I joined the gym. Good on my back and knees and easy. They even guide you through a workout. For someone like me with little or no focus when it comes to working out, it’s needed. The thing is, no one warns you that because you’re using these machines, your body is not going to react to them like they would normal running. I got on the treadmill and ran for 15 minutes. It felt fine. Then I got off it and crumpled to the ground like a new born foal. What the fuck? Because it’s fake , moving, ground my body can’t assimilate to it? So, I learned that lesson pretty quick. Apparently the “cool down” option is there for a reason. To keep people from falling down like weak assholes every time they’re done running. The worst was when I was in the middle of running on one and my Ipod fell and shot of the treadmill (this, I’m learning, is not uncommon for me). I tried to play it cool and causal but I was dead in the middle of the hardest part of the course. I basically stepped off the machine and collapsed directly into sitting indian style. I picked up my Ipod but had to sit there for like 30 seconds like a dipshit while my legs figured out what the fuck was going on.

3)Motherfuckers are SERIOUS
I always thought the image of a gym where dudes stand in front of mirrors and flex was some made up hollywood bastardization of gym life. I was wrong. I cautiously entered the weight room with hope of finding some simple little machine I can do some extremely light lifting on. I immediately regretted going in there. Not only was it chock full of buff bro’s doing buff poses in mirrors, I felt this weird pressure in the room to do more than I had come in there for. Now, I’m not trying to lift a weight. Fuck dumbbells. Not for me. But, when I hit the machines, I couldn’t help but felt like a total pussy struggling through 10 reps of 30 pounds on one of those pully machines. Dudes in there are lifting 60 pound plates with their nipples while I’m taking water breaks between heavy breaths on the ladies thigh master.

4)Hey, they got a basketball court!
This was a big selling point for me , as I planned to get some shooting practice in between workouts. But, what I over looked was “oh, I’m at a gym where people play basketball, I might have to deal with some fucking dickheads.”
In this case, it wasn’t dickheads so much as teenagers. I got involved in a little pick up game with a bunch of kids and was immediately reminded that being the old white guy on the court = setting picks the whole game. It’s hard to explain this certain type of disrespect to people who have never really played pick up basketball. It’s just flagrant over looking of a person for no reason other than they’re age and race. I wasn’t the best guy on the court but I was far from the worst. I was definitely the only guy who knew how to pass the ball and set picks. It was like I was invisible except when I’d get a rebound and dudes would immediately yell for the ball like I was an out of control retard constantly on the verge of throwing it into the bleachers. Seriously, fuck teenagers. Not to get into this too deep but when I was a younger dude playing basketball with older guys, I respected them. Even if they weren’t very good. It was just something you did. This new generations eye rolling towards seniority is really troubling to me. Mothefuckers need some good parenting. And a better jumpshot. All these kids can do it dribble.

5)No eye contact
Something I completely over looked was the girl/guy dynamic to the gym. If you’re hitting the running machines oo stationary bikes, you’re pretty much entering into the most unisex part of the whole gym. Occasionally , you’re gonna see some hot piece of ass on the treadmills. Now, as a man who is spoken for, I’m not trying to creep on anyone like that. This isn’t about hitting on girls in the gym. I’m sure there’s a whole other world of topics that could be discussed in that realm. I’m more just talking about the common courtesy of not being a creep. I gotta say, it’s not easy. titties bouncing, butts jiggling…all over the place. On top of that, you’re bored out of your fucking mind cause you’re running on a treadmill. Time has basically stopped , as far as you know it. So, any distraction is dangerous. The thing is, on the chance that you happen to see that Kim Kardassian ass running right in front of you, it’s pretty fucking hard to not look. I don’t mean stare. I mean casually glance over every 8-11 seconds. This is fine if the girl doesn’t notice but it’s not just her you gotta worry about. The room is filled with people just as bored as you are, looking for things to look at. In turn, that thing might just be you, looking at the girls ass in front of you. Not a huge deal as, fuck these people, you don’t know them. But there is something unsettling about the concept of being viewed as the creepy staring guy in the gym.

I realize I’m just skimming the surface here and I look forward to unlocking more awesome secrets of gym life. I’m sure it will all culminate with me stumbling upon the sodom and gomorrah steam room where my innocence will forever be lost. Let’s hope it doesn’t go there.

26 thoughts on “Enter the gym world

  1. It’s funny you talk about the whole dicks out ordeal..My husband was going to a gym a while back and would come home and tell me about how weird it was when men would stand at the forever long sinks and mirrors shaving..w/their dicks and sacks up against and sitting upon the sink counter tops. I cannot imagine that, honestly. Why not wear a towel, as you mention..
    Thanks for recreating the mental image (: I can’t decide if I am disturbed or..wait.

  2. LOL, I just got back from the gym and read this post. I go to the YMCA (nh). It is really layed back compared to some of the other ones and I dig their values also. I could take my 9 year old daughter or my mother there without it being all globo gym stylee.

    • First off, Kinda shocked you’re hitting the gym. good for you.
      secondly, this gym is fairly low key too. It’s a YMCA type thing with tons of kids programs. It just goes to show how fucking weird gyms are in general.

      • Yeah, I used to be in really good shape and could run like a motherfucker. But that was a long time ago. I can still run like 5 miles on the treadmill with my fat ass somehow but I need to do it more.

  3. I go to the gym about 4 times a week and have been since college. My biggest complaint about the gym is the people who lift weights and grunt. That is the most asinine shit in history, nothing like trying to concentrate on your workout when it sounds like the dude next to you is struggling with the biggest dump he’s ever taken.

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  5. At least you didn’t physically fall off the treadmill or throw up. I think that could be the worst thing that could maybe happen, or maybe most embarrassing, throwing up inside the gym. There’s some other bad things too but throwing up is pretty high up there.

    I was running next to an older guy who fell off the machine once. I am going at a good pace, like 1 mile in, and I hear a loud crash. I see, in the corner of my eye, the person who was next to me get flung backwards. I turn my head, not really sure what to do, he is getting himself up and going away. I can think of some other bad stories too.

  6. “The Gym” is a very scary germ filled realm i dare not enter. Working out on my deck or beach behind the house works just fine.

    But yea, i have been a string bean my entire life until just last year, now i have to work at it, its strange. Smh @ maturity.

  7. I couldn’t agree more about all the dicks flapping around in locker rooms. When I was in high school my dad got my brother and I a membership to the YMCA and dudes would be brushing their teeth, shaving, talking… 100% bare ass.

    It was a generally strange experience but the worst of it involved a man we affectionately called “Weezy” He was this 90 year old guy that I never actually saw working out at the gym, but was always walking around the locker room (naked) in some sort of permanent bronchial state. After working out one morning I got ready to take a shower and noticed that Weezy just left the showers. This was great cause it meant I didn’t have to shower with his crazy ass. But about 45 seconds into my lathering, Weezy decided that one shower just wasn’t enough and joined us for round two. When I left the showers, so did he and I just ignored him and got dressed. Before I left another batch of men went to take a shower and Weezy joined them for round 3. This was the last day we went to that gym…

  8. GOOD JOB BLOCK! GET STACCKED! YEAH! lol jk. but seriously, good shit. I knew you’d end up joining a gym at some point.. your reluctance has been amusing to read though. The main thing, I have some shure headphones that are noise cancelling, I would recommend getting some headphones that block out all noise.. bump phat beatz, or you could download audio books, (any kind), these are mad entertaining when on treadmills and such.. also, FUCK THE BROS, they’re so many douchebags in the gym man, its redic. No need to even worry bout what they think, considering that they’re too worried about their own ego/look/left bicep, to really even notice anyone else. So what if someone is trying to say you don’t lift enough or whatever, everyone started somewhere, just be glad you’re on the end you are and not on their end where they’re in there like 3 times a day. Seriously I see the same cats in the gym EVERY day, no matter when I go in lol.

  9. I used to think the best thing to listen to in the gym was deloused in the comatorium… now I’m thinking it might be octahedron… over and over and over.. yup

    I don’t have frances the mute on the ipod right now I don’t know if it would be good for working out

  10. You should try the Elliptical; Low impact on your knees saving them for court. &
    you don’t get that motion sickness feeling when you stop.
    I know what your taking about w/kids racial profiling your game. I get pick last and the next thing you know they’re callin’ me Chris Mullin cause I’m droppin jumpers on ’em. (And1 mixtape killed the jumpshot)
    The only good part about the gym is the hot chicks w/the stretchy pants, God Bless them! I don’t care about being a perv, I am a man its in my DNA.

    @Moving Sideways: always listen to your ipod in the gym that way you don’t have to hear the grunts or terrible pop music they play. You can also use it to ignore the creepy meat-head who asks you to spot him.

    • You are under the impression that somehow a set of cheap earbuds will block out the sounds of violent constipation, trust me I’ve thought of that. The only remedy is to do something else until they move along.

  11. Ive been going to my university’s gym a lot lately and i noticed and this goes for almost every other gym that i have been to, that its the old men that like just letting it all hang out. It makes me and everyone else very uncomfortable.. I guess they are from a different era where it was more acceptable? or maybe they are at that age that they just stopped giving a fuck.. i thinks scholars can study this strange phenomena thier whole lives and still never reach a real conclusion… But i digress, once you start the gym man youll see, youll wanna start going everyday.. it grows on you.. just ignore the guidos

  12. Great post! Being a gal, I have no idea what goes on in the men’s locker room. I’m a little embarrassed to confess this but, I go around buff naked in the women’s locker room. I’m air drying while I’m putting on body lotion. Although, I’m not the only one naked though; maybe women are more comfortable being naked in front of the others.

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