After decades of skating by on good metabolism, I’ve finally reached that point in my adult life where it is time to join a gym. Until now, I’ve been able to stay “in shape” (to me , that really means “Not a total fat ass”) simply by playing basketball a few times a week. I’m not sure what happened (aging?!?!) but a wall was hit and a gut started really taking form. Like most 30+ year old slobs, I have vowed with the changing of the year that I would commit to the gym. Meaning, go a couple times a week while still maintaining my basketball regiment. I figured this will be all I need to keep myself off of an MTV show based about wheel barrow bound fatties crying into plate of french fries. Here’s the problem, I’ve never done any of this kinda shit in my life and I seriously underestimated my preparedness levels. My idea was to go in and hit the running machines, the bikes and all the other cardio-based thing. I’m not trying to get buff. I just wanna lose some weight.
So, I join this gym near my house. It’s pretty nice and way too expensive. Now, to those of you who have been going to gyms for a long time and know what to expect, this will be old hat to you. Nothing I’m gonna say here will be a revelation. But, as a complete outsider, I was not privy to the inner dealings of going to the gym. Keep in mind, i’m only two weeks in but I just wanted to write down some things I’ve noticed that I didn’t know of or expect prior to my entrance into this weird world of fitness. Again, this is the beginner’s beginner guide right here. I’m basically a new born baby in the world.
1)A whole lotta dicks
I can’t remember the last time I was in a locker room on a regular basis. It was probably high school. You know what people did back then? Put their dicks away. In the gym setting, this is not the case. In fact, it would seem like just letting you dick hang out as much as possible is way to be. I’m not saying people have to be all secretive and nervous about it but a little cover up isn’t hurting anyone. Dudes are literally walking around butt naked while holding a towel in their hands. Oh you’re dry? Awesome. How bout you slap that towel around your fucking waist so I don’t have dangling little cocks on all side of my periphery. I mean , seriously. It’s out of control. I was putting my shit in a locker and this dude just casual strolled up to the locker next to mine, dick flailing, and proceeded to slowly dry his legs off like a foot from my face. Normally I would think this is some gay pick up move (This gym is in the village) but he was just some old guy with wet legs. All I’m saying is why are the rules off in terms of dick coverage? It’s like fucking Deadwood in there for stray penis. There are no laws.
2)I underestimated these running machines
I’ve never been much of a runner. I doubt I could run a mile in less than 8 minutes. I’m fucking lazy. But the idea of these easy to use running machines is pretty much the reason I joined the gym. Good on my back and knees and easy. They even guide you through a workout. For someone like me with little or no focus when it comes to working out, it’s needed. The thing is, no one warns you that because you’re using these machines, your body is not going to react to them like they would normal running. I got on the treadmill and ran for 15 minutes. It felt fine. Then I got off it and crumpled to the ground like a new born foal. What the fuck? Because it’s fake , moving, ground my body can’t assimilate to it? So, I learned that lesson pretty quick. Apparently the “cool down” option is there for a reason. To keep people from falling down like weak assholes every time they’re done running. The worst was when I was in the middle of running on one and my Ipod fell and shot of the treadmill (this, I’m learning, is not uncommon for me). I tried to play it cool and causal but I was dead in the middle of the hardest part of the course. I basically stepped off the machine and collapsed directly into sitting indian style. I picked up my Ipod but had to sit there for like 30 seconds like a dipshit while my legs figured out what the fuck was going on.
3)Motherfuckers are SERIOUS
I always thought the image of a gym where dudes stand in front of mirrors and flex was some made up hollywood bastardization of gym life. I was wrong. I cautiously entered the weight room with hope of finding some simple little machine I can do some extremely light lifting on. I immediately regretted going in there. Not only was it chock full of buff bro’s doing buff poses in mirrors, I felt this weird pressure in the room to do more than I had come in there for. Now, I’m not trying to lift a weight. Fuck dumbbells. Not for me. But, when I hit the machines, I couldn’t help but felt like a total pussy struggling through 10 reps of 30 pounds on one of those pully machines. Dudes in there are lifting 60 pound plates with their nipples while I’m taking water breaks between heavy breaths on the ladies thigh master.
4)Hey, they got a basketball court!
This was a big selling point for me , as I planned to get some shooting practice in between workouts. But, what I over looked was “oh, I’m at a gym where people play basketball, I might have to deal with some fucking dickheads.”
In this case, it wasn’t dickheads so much as teenagers. I got involved in a little pick up game with a bunch of kids and was immediately reminded that being the old white guy on the court = setting picks the whole game. It’s hard to explain this certain type of disrespect to people who have never really played pick up basketball. It’s just flagrant over looking of a person for no reason other than they’re age and race. I wasn’t the best guy on the court but I was far from the worst. I was definitely the only guy who knew how to pass the ball and set picks. It was like I was invisible except when I’d get a rebound and dudes would immediately yell for the ball like I was an out of control retard constantly on the verge of throwing it into the bleachers. Seriously, fuck teenagers. Not to get into this too deep but when I was a younger dude playing basketball with older guys, I respected them. Even if they weren’t very good. It was just something you did. This new generations eye rolling towards seniority is really troubling to me. Mothefuckers need some good parenting. And a better jumpshot. All these kids can do it dribble.
5)No eye contact
Something I completely over looked was the girl/guy dynamic to the gym. If you’re hitting the running machines oo stationary bikes, you’re pretty much entering into the most unisex part of the whole gym. Occasionally , you’re gonna see some hot piece of ass on the treadmills. Now, as a man who is spoken for, I’m not trying to creep on anyone like that. This isn’t about hitting on girls in the gym. I’m sure there’s a whole other world of topics that could be discussed in that realm. I’m more just talking about the common courtesy of not being a creep. I gotta say, it’s not easy. titties bouncing, butts jiggling…all over the place. On top of that, you’re bored out of your fucking mind cause you’re running on a treadmill. Time has basically stopped , as far as you know it. So, any distraction is dangerous. The thing is, on the chance that you happen to see that Kim Kardassian ass running right in front of you, it’s pretty fucking hard to not look. I don’t mean stare. I mean casually glance over every 8-11 seconds. This is fine if the girl doesn’t notice but it’s not just her you gotta worry about. The room is filled with people just as bored as you are, looking for things to look at. In turn, that thing might just be you, looking at the girls ass in front of you. Not a huge deal as, fuck these people, you don’t know them. But there is something unsettling about the concept of being viewed as the creepy staring guy in the gym.
I realize I’m just skimming the surface here and I look forward to unlocking more awesome secrets of gym life. I’m sure it will all culminate with me stumbling upon the sodom and gomorrah steam room where my innocence will forever be lost. Let’s hope it doesn’t go there.