The Horror


Watching this video seriously makes me want to remove myself from this planet. Not cause I feel bad for the homeless dudes who got crept on by that huge rat , but because I simply cannot handle rats. Like most New Yorkers, I’ve had plenty of shitty experiences with rats. It pretty much goes with the territory. The thing about rats that , aside from their notoriety as being carriers of the plague, is that they are fearless. The amount of times I’ve been strolling down the street and had a rat run over my feet is more than I can count. So, in honor of this horrifying video, here’s some of my least favorite rat moments over the years. Keep in mind, these stories are no where near as bad as having a rat crawl on your face while you’re sleeping but if you can add in my natural fear and disdain for the animals, it helps with the stories.

1)The garbage can
One night, I was walking down 3rd avenue, approaching Cooper union park. It was misty out and i saw movement in the distance. Because if was dark, I couldn’t really make out what I was seeing. Even within 20 feet, I couldn’t tell what was going on. However, a few steps more and I stopped dead in my tracks and turned the fuck around. What i saw was a garbage can with rats POURING out of it. Literally hundreds of rats running in and out of the can to the point where they moved in a fluid like motion. You ever see those National geographic episodes about rat infestation? yeah, it was like that but all in one garbage can. To this day, I cross the street when i walk by that shitty park.

2)The trap

Back in my early twenties, I worked in a bakery. Anyone who has worked in NYC where food is made or sold , can tell you that rats are in effect. When I first got there, the rats were only an issue in the basement. They’d be chilling down there with the coffee cups and plastic knives whenever I had to restock. Suffice to say, re-stocking was pretty nerve wracking for me. One time, I went down there heard a rustle in the corner. I was in the center of the room and the biggest rat I had ever seen was taking the most leisurely stroll I’ve ever seen right by the entrance. I was completely frozen. It was the size of a fat french baguette. Then, I hear another sound, and another equally large rat gets his roll on about two feet behind me. It’s like they were sharks circling. Eventually they disappeared into the darkness and I ran my ass upstairs. I then sent the fearless south american dish cleaning guy down cause he loved murdering rats with a broom. Seriously , he enjoyed that shit. He’d often come back INTO THE FUCKING BAKERY with a dead , bludgeoned rat in a dust pan just to show me his handy work. I’m glad he did it, but fuck, bro. Remind me never to go to El Salvador.

3)Cake time

Eventually, the rats downstairs realized all the food was upstairs. Cakes, muffins, meats and all sorts of tasty shit for a fat, over fed rat to enjoy. This was a serious problem for me cause the bakery was pretty slender. I was behind a counter , in a corner, serving people and , on occasion, a rat would waddle towards me. i’d be totally cornered. Luckily, they’d always eventually go elsewhere but you can imagine my distress when I was serving an unsuspecting customer food and a rat was 3 feet away from me. I can safely say that the board of health frowns upon that. I could tell all sorts of stories about that whole situation (one where the rap got into the fridge display unit , where all the salads were, and basically destroyed everything. All this done is the eye sight of any customer who walked in) but the real cherry on top of this was the time I walked into the back of the bakery , where all the baked good were kept, and saw a rat dead in the center of an entire frosted cake, going to town. It was on the counter, waiting to be picked up. I turned the fuck around and quit soon after that.

4)My building.

Last year, the apartment building i live in had a rat issue. Now, I live on the bottom floor. Where all the rat activity is. The problem was primarily in the garbage room. I hadn’t actually seen the culprits but management was kind enough to put up a sign over the garbage that read “Rats are here”. Awesome. Apparently, the rats had been whylin’ out in the trash so the management built an elevated level to put all the cans on cause, you know, rats can’t climb or anything. At first sight of the “Rats are here” sign, I got a mild panic attack. I felt helpless. I was standing by the door of the garbage room, looking at the empty garbage cans resting atop their elevated surface. No rats in sight. But something just didn’t sit right with me. Instead of strolling over to the cans like I normally would, I opted to stay where I was and just throw the bags into the cans. i was about 8 -10 feet away so it didn’t seem like that big a risk. I threw the first one. Nailed it.Then I threw the second one, it bounced around the top of a few of the cans but finally fell in. Right as it fell in, a single rat shot up out of one of the other cans like he had been catapulted. I turned around, shut the door and ran back to my apartment like the scaredest bitch alive. My building eventually went to great measures to fix the rat problem but I’d be lying if I said I’m not a little shook every time I take out the garbage.

Now, those stories are gross. But how bout a little palate cleanser? About mice. Cause, you know what? Mice are cute. I actually kinda like mice. I lived with one in my old crib for a while and it was never an issue…until I killed it.

So, yeah, I had this mouse co-habitating with me in an old place i lived at. He minded his own business. he was about the size of a marshmallow. However, our beautiful life together came to an end one day when he crossed the line. i was sitting in sweatpants playing nintendo one day. I heard that familiar rustling of my little dude and paid it no mind. Then, all of a sudden, i felt a tickle on my leg. A leg, that was inside of sweatpants. I scratched my upper calf and , like downhill skier, the mouse shot out my pant leg. That little motherfucker had ran into my sweatpants! That was it. No more free ride. I vowed that the next time he’s around, I was gonna capture him somehow and get rid of him. A few days later, I was awoken to a very quiet sound (i’m a bitch ass light sleeper, it happens). I open my eyes and look over at this old butterfly chair I had and, WHAT THE FUCK?
The mouse is standing on the highest point of that chair on his hind legs. It was almost as if he was yelling at me from the highest mountain. I didn’t even know he could do that. i just kinda sat there watching as he gingerly made his way down back to the ground. This was my chance. I grabbed a shoe box from near my bed and loomed. The mouse was kinda just walking aimlessly around on my rug. When the time was right, I pounced and trapped him under the shoebox. My next move was to get a record to put under the box and scoop the motherfucker up. I did this and slowly walked with this makeshift trap to my window. I opened the window and pulled the earth out from under that little asshole. He fell about 4 stories. i didn’t see him land or anything but there was plenty of ivy on the way down for him to grab onto if he really wanted to live. Who knows? Maybe he survived. All i know is that motherfucker was not running up my leg ever again. Score one for the humans.

14 thoughts on “The Horror

  1. Coming from someone who has had generally good experiences with rats (dated a girl that had a couple as pets) I can understand the fear of seeing a gigantic mother fucker/an oozing fountain of fur.

    I got locked out of my house once, so I decided to chill in the garage until someone showed up with a key. Much to my disdain I kept hearing this rustle, I’m a generally paranoid person so I’m like “FUCKIN ALIENS!?” When I realized it was coming from a trash bag, I just stared at it like ‘double you t fuck, bro’. So I stared at it for a good two minutes when all of the sudden, like from fucking Independence Day a fucking rat – or something – slammed against the trash bag over and over again until it shot out. I didn’t see what it was, it was black blur of ‘dear god please get me the fuck out of here’. Needless to say, I waited outside in the cold staring at the garage like it was going to eat me.

  2. haha I stopped reading your blog once you got twitter, Im glad I came back, I laughed so hard I shot snot bubbles.

    and I cohabitated with a mouse too. I caught him and put him in a little cage with hamster wheels n shit. a few months later he finally escaped, and the day he got out, I was layin on the floor watchin tv, he strolls right up to my face, sniffs me and strolls off, as if to say, “PEACE BITCH!!” I never saw him again.

      • Not because I hate twitter, I have an account and I actually follow you there. I’m just saying I saw you got one, and just got smaller doses of block-wisdom. Plus twitter shortened my attention span. What?

  3. oh and btw, I love management notes. When they were fixing the roof on my building, the front door had this attached to it: “Watch for shit falling from the roof”

    and this gem was left in the laundry room by the maintenance guys: “beer, leave money on washer” attached to a full corona bottle

  4. I have pet rats and I love them! They’re so friendly and smart and super interactive. Once you get over the tail they make rad little pets.

  5. I hear you on the rats, but over here in the armpit of Orange County we have to keep our eyes peeled for possums.
    On top of it, they attack too

  6. I met you this past week in Athens (my bf and i took a picture with you) and I read through your whole blog! It’s hilarious! this whole post made me laugh out loud. Really like the way you write! Keep it comin’!

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