Answers to questions Vol. 8

As usual, Keep the questions coming either in these comments or by email (phatfriendblog@gmail.com)
Let’s goooo….

-What do you think of Canada? And for that matter Canadians in general.
Actually wouldn’t mind your view on the hip hop situation in Canada at the moment either.

Ahh…a three parter. Lemme break this down.
Canada, the place:
I’ve been to Canada a bunch of times. The thing is, it’s always been to Vancouver, Montreal, and Toronto. Because of this, I actually think Canada is pretty awesome. Vancouver is full of junkies and has an air of that Pacific northwest hippie vibe I’m not crazy about but it’s a cool city with great food. Toronto is like if New York was sterile , slightly boring and filled with nice people. That’s not even a diss. I like Toronto a lot. Montreal is like Greenwich Village but in france. I love it. While the language barrier actually being a problem can get annoying , it’s a small price to pay.
Pound for pound, it’s got the most hot girls I’ve ever seen. Which is funny considering the dudes these girls date. It very well may be the lopsided couple capitol of the world. A place where the most jaw droppingly hot girl will date some skinny dork wearing cargo shorts, block socks and sandals. So, yeah, I’m actually a fan of canada. If New York got blown off the map and I somehow survived, I’d take a serious look into Toronto or Montreal as my new home.

Canada, The people:
Hands down the nicest people ever. I’ve written about this before actually. It’s the kinda niceness that is almost unsettling. This excludes the french Canadian assholes but that’s obvious. Pretty much every canadian I have met is sweet and down to have fun. They’re slightly off at times but the genuine kindness of their personality seems to make up for it.

Canada, The rap music:
Hmmm…well…I liked Maestro Fresh Wes. I guess Choclair had some moments. Sorry guys, but 95% of the rap made in Canada is REALLY bad. The worst culprit is the underground white guy shit you guys make cause it’s taking crackerness to new heights. There is something about hearing words rapped in that canadian accent that is just painful. It’s like a “fargo” accent but worse and should not apply to rapping ever. While I do see some of these artists contain wit and decent ideas , it just sounds so wrong to me. Some people just shouldn’t be rapping. It all comes off as very second hand to me. Don’t get me wrong, there are exceptions , they’re just few and far between. But , to be fair, most rappers in general suck so that 95% rating isn’t even that bad.

– Preferred headphones for studio? For walking around?

I tend to use monitors in the studio. I’ve never been a headphone guy. As for walking around, I use earbuds. I had those Bose ones but, to be honest, I didn’t like them. They always fell out of my ears and the rubber things would fall off all the time. Nowadays,I just buy these $30 sony earbuds. They do the job. I also tend to lose earbuds a lot so I’m not trying to spend mad money on something like that. I’m a creature of simplicity and ear phones that are “good enough” , are fine by me.

– Have you ever fired a gun?
Not a real one. I’ve shot BB guns and shit. I’ve held guns. I’ve had one pressed into my ribcage. I’ve just never shot one. It hasn’t really come up much in my life. Not a lot of casual gun owners round these parts. They either have a gun and need it for beef or they don’t have a gun.

– Have you ever been fired?
Kinda but not really. The types of jobs I had when I used to work were bullshit. I worked behind counters at food places, in the cd section of a record store, as a security guard at a video store/record store. All those things were so easy, it would be hard to get fired unless I really wanted to. However, what I did do was steal from every job. My music collection tripled by working at the cd/record store when I was 18. Eventually, I quit. About a month later, I wanted to go back and inquired about being rehired. The dude looked at me like I was crazy and said the spot had been filled. Right there, I knew he wasn’t as dumb as I thought and was on to the fact that I had been raping his stock room for months. So, I guess not being asked back is as close as it got.

– Would you write a beat for a Justin Bieber song?
Depends. If my name was nowhere near it and I got paid a ridiculous amount of money, I’d consider it. Times are tough on the music industry. Something like that could pay my bills for years. As long as it was nameless, why not?

– Have you ever walked out of a movie in a theatre?
Twice. One time , when I was very young, I walked out of the movie “The Burbs”. I must have really hated it or something. To this day, I don’t recall why and have no idea what that movie is about. Hell, it might be really good. I have no clue.
The other one is slightly more embarrassing. I was in my late teens and going through that phase were you try and watch as many art films as you can. It’s was a boring night and my homeboy and I were looking through the paper for any movie we could see. He read a review for this movie called “Super 8 and half”. The review described it as a comedy about a porn star trying to make a comeback. The titled should have tipped us off but I think we both thought it was a reference to a camera , not a penis. Anyway, we went to see it and ,to our dismay, it was basically a gay porn movie with jokes thrown in. About ten minutes in, we were both pretty uncomfortable and wanted to bounce but the theater was packed and we both felt weird that if we left, people might be offended. I know, that’s a weird way to look at it but the idea of all eyes on us leaving the theater was somehow an issue. We tried to tough it out but by the second blow job scene it was too much. We ran out of there , to a sea of eye rolls from the rest of the audience. I think that was the last time I let that friend pick the movie and , from that point on , if i was going to see some art house movie, there would be research involved.

– Do you eat bacon?
Of course I do. What kind of pussy do you think I am?
Bacon is the ultimate case against vegetarianism. I defy anyone to eat really well made bacon and not like it.

– When’s the last time you threw up?
It’s been so long, I honestly don’t remember. I reached a point a long time ago where I decided to be very strict with myself about when to stop drinking. While I still get wasted on occasion, I never have that one drink that puts me over. I never drink liquor after 2 am. I avoid shots in general (though they happen sometimes). I drink water when I’m done with the alcohol. These things have kept me from barfing for pretty much the last ten years. I forget what year it was, but one new years eve a while back, i decided I’d drink captain morgan’s for the evening. That worked, as I got obliterated. So obliterated, I thought smoking a blunt with hash would be a brilliant idea. About 10 minutes after that, I was in the bathroom , hurling my brains out. Somehow, I still had the presence of mind to take a comedic picture of the barf filled toilet so I could capture the memory. Unfortunately, after that, it was a wrap and I spent the next four hours hovering over the kitchen sink, barfing and sweating, unable to move anywhere else. A friend of mine saved the day by throwing me in a cab with 20 bucks in my pocket. I don’t even remember what happened but a lesson had been learned.
The thing is, I’m not the type of drinker who has that blackout area. I’m either drunk, wasted, or vomiting. There’s no middle part when I’m shit faced and doing crazy shit I don’t remember but , eventually, I’m ok. Because of this, I follow those rules I listed above.

– Thoughts on the current cast of SNL.
They’ve got some Ok people. I’m down with Sandberg , Bill hader and Armisen. The rest I cant really differentiate. I’ve seen a few of the new episodes and the writing has sucked but there’s this one girl (the one who does the Miley Cyrus skit) who is fucking awesome. I don’t know here name but she’s definitely the best new cast member.

– How many pairs of shoes do you own?
If I count old basketball kicks I don’t use anymore , this number goes up but I’ll say about 5 pairs.
I recently threw out a pair cause I stepped in so much dog shit , the prospect of cleaning them off simply wasn’t worth it.

– When’s the last time you wore a suit and tie?
A wedding this past fall. Pretty much the only time I ever wear suits are for weddings and funerals. Kinda fitting.

– Do you still wear any clothing you rocked while you were in high school?

I’m afraid those days are long gone. I dunno how well my Girbauds and Carpenter pants would go over now. However, I do still have the same pair of beef and broccoli Timberlands that I break out when it snows. They’re a half size too small but they get the job done.

– if you could go back to school for anything, what would you go for?

God, I hated school. There is really no subject or “thing” I’d ever want to revisit. I could say I’d wanna go for becoming a shrink or something but the reality of work I’d have to do really puts a damper on that.
That said, if I could, I’d probably go back in time , to high school , and just go to a completely different school altogether. My High school was the fucking worst. Not in terms of it being violent, but as a place of learning, it just failed. I can’t say I would have excelled in any school but the one I did go to was the worst possible place for me to end up ever. I fed into my laziness and leanings towards cheating.

– On a scale of 1-10, how much do you give a shit about politics?

It’s hard to say. I really don’t keep up on politics. I don’t read the paper or watch the news. All that happens around me, in that realm, is very much in the air. i’m aware of it but not really paying close attention. But I certainly do have opinions on things based in politics. I’d like to say my ignorance of the news is cause I’m taking a stand against the corporate blah blah blah…but really it just doesn’t interest me. What’s gonna happen is gonna happen regardless if I watch the news. If the end of days is coming, I’d appreciate the heads up but otherwise, it’s business as usual.
So, I’mma say a 4.7

Enter the gym world


After decades of skating by on good metabolism, I’ve finally reached that point in my adult life where it is time to join a gym. Until now, I’ve been able to stay “in shape” (to me , that really means “Not a total fat ass”) simply by playing basketball a few times a week. I’m not sure what happened (aging?!?!) but a wall was hit and a gut started really taking form. Like most 30+ year old slobs, I have vowed with the changing of the year that I would commit to the gym. Meaning, go a couple times a week while still maintaining my basketball regiment. I figured this will be all I need to keep myself off of an MTV show based about wheel barrow bound fatties crying into plate of french fries. Here’s the problem, I’ve never done any of this kinda shit in my life and I seriously underestimated my preparedness levels. My idea was to go in and hit the running machines, the bikes and all the other cardio-based thing. I’m not trying to get buff. I just wanna lose some weight.
So, I join this gym near my house. It’s pretty nice and way too expensive. Now, to those of you who have been going to gyms for a long time and know what to expect, this will be old hat to you. Nothing I’m gonna say here will be a revelation. But, as a complete outsider, I was not privy to the inner dealings of going to the gym. Keep in mind, i’m only two weeks in but I just wanted to write down some things I’ve noticed that I didn’t know of or expect prior to my entrance into this weird world of fitness. Again, this is the beginner’s beginner guide right here. I’m basically a new born baby in the world.

1)A whole lotta dicks
I can’t remember the last time I was in a locker room on a regular basis. It was probably high school. You know what people did back then? Put their dicks away. In the gym setting, this is not the case. In fact, it would seem like just letting you dick hang out as much as possible is way to be. I’m not saying people have to be all secretive and nervous about it but a little cover up isn’t hurting anyone. Dudes are literally walking around butt naked while holding a towel in their hands. Oh you’re dry? Awesome. How bout you slap that towel around your fucking waist so I don’t have dangling little cocks on all side of my periphery. I mean , seriously. It’s out of control. I was putting my shit in a locker and this dude just casual strolled up to the locker next to mine, dick flailing, and proceeded to slowly dry his legs off like a foot from my face. Normally I would think this is some gay pick up move (This gym is in the village) but he was just some old guy with wet legs. All I’m saying is why are the rules off in terms of dick coverage? It’s like fucking Deadwood in there for stray penis. There are no laws.

2)I underestimated these running machines
I’ve never been much of a runner. I doubt I could run a mile in less than 8 minutes. I’m fucking lazy. But the idea of these easy to use running machines is pretty much the reason I joined the gym. Good on my back and knees and easy. They even guide you through a workout. For someone like me with little or no focus when it comes to working out, it’s needed. The thing is, no one warns you that because you’re using these machines, your body is not going to react to them like they would normal running. I got on the treadmill and ran for 15 minutes. It felt fine. Then I got off it and crumpled to the ground like a new born foal. What the fuck? Because it’s fake , moving, ground my body can’t assimilate to it? So, I learned that lesson pretty quick. Apparently the “cool down” option is there for a reason. To keep people from falling down like weak assholes every time they’re done running. The worst was when I was in the middle of running on one and my Ipod fell and shot of the treadmill (this, I’m learning, is not uncommon for me). I tried to play it cool and causal but I was dead in the middle of the hardest part of the course. I basically stepped off the machine and collapsed directly into sitting indian style. I picked up my Ipod but had to sit there for like 30 seconds like a dipshit while my legs figured out what the fuck was going on.

3)Motherfuckers are SERIOUS
I always thought the image of a gym where dudes stand in front of mirrors and flex was some made up hollywood bastardization of gym life. I was wrong. I cautiously entered the weight room with hope of finding some simple little machine I can do some extremely light lifting on. I immediately regretted going in there. Not only was it chock full of buff bro’s doing buff poses in mirrors, I felt this weird pressure in the room to do more than I had come in there for. Now, I’m not trying to lift a weight. Fuck dumbbells. Not for me. But, when I hit the machines, I couldn’t help but felt like a total pussy struggling through 10 reps of 30 pounds on one of those pully machines. Dudes in there are lifting 60 pound plates with their nipples while I’m taking water breaks between heavy breaths on the ladies thigh master.

4)Hey, they got a basketball court!
This was a big selling point for me , as I planned to get some shooting practice in between workouts. But, what I over looked was “oh, I’m at a gym where people play basketball, I might have to deal with some fucking dickheads.”
In this case, it wasn’t dickheads so much as teenagers. I got involved in a little pick up game with a bunch of kids and was immediately reminded that being the old white guy on the court = setting picks the whole game. It’s hard to explain this certain type of disrespect to people who have never really played pick up basketball. It’s just flagrant over looking of a person for no reason other than they’re age and race. I wasn’t the best guy on the court but I was far from the worst. I was definitely the only guy who knew how to pass the ball and set picks. It was like I was invisible except when I’d get a rebound and dudes would immediately yell for the ball like I was an out of control retard constantly on the verge of throwing it into the bleachers. Seriously, fuck teenagers. Not to get into this too deep but when I was a younger dude playing basketball with older guys, I respected them. Even if they weren’t very good. It was just something you did. This new generations eye rolling towards seniority is really troubling to me. Mothefuckers need some good parenting. And a better jumpshot. All these kids can do it dribble.

5)No eye contact
Something I completely over looked was the girl/guy dynamic to the gym. If you’re hitting the running machines oo stationary bikes, you’re pretty much entering into the most unisex part of the whole gym. Occasionally , you’re gonna see some hot piece of ass on the treadmills. Now, as a man who is spoken for, I’m not trying to creep on anyone like that. This isn’t about hitting on girls in the gym. I’m sure there’s a whole other world of topics that could be discussed in that realm. I’m more just talking about the common courtesy of not being a creep. I gotta say, it’s not easy. titties bouncing, butts jiggling…all over the place. On top of that, you’re bored out of your fucking mind cause you’re running on a treadmill. Time has basically stopped , as far as you know it. So, any distraction is dangerous. The thing is, on the chance that you happen to see that Kim Kardassian ass running right in front of you, it’s pretty fucking hard to not look. I don’t mean stare. I mean casually glance over every 8-11 seconds. This is fine if the girl doesn’t notice but it’s not just her you gotta worry about. The room is filled with people just as bored as you are, looking for things to look at. In turn, that thing might just be you, looking at the girls ass in front of you. Not a huge deal as, fuck these people, you don’t know them. But there is something unsettling about the concept of being viewed as the creepy staring guy in the gym.

I realize I’m just skimming the surface here and I look forward to unlocking more awesome secrets of gym life. I’m sure it will all culminate with me stumbling upon the sodom and gomorrah steam room where my innocence will forever be lost. Let’s hope it doesn’t go there.

Song of the day 1/14/11


Ballad of a menace By C.P.O.

http://usershare.net/37dej9vit5um

C.P.O. was basically MC Ren’s body guard given a record deal. Lil’ Nation was the rappers name and , while he wasn’t particularly good at rapping , he was a massive human being who kept Ren out of trouble. Why not give him a deal? That said, this song was always my shit. Perhaps due to Ren absolutely murdering his verse the way only MC Ren can. The beat is dope to, as it’s a slightly different spin on a much used Isaac Hayes sample. This is just some good old early 90’s pre-G-funk west coast gangster shit. What’s not to love?

Answers to questions Vol. 7


This batch is more straight to the point. Kinda like a quick fire round.
I’m still open to more. Ask me about anything. Give me a topic to talk about. I’ll answer it the best I can. Leave questions here in the comments or email me at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com.

What do you take in your coffee?
Nothing. I don’t drink Coffee. Unfortunately for me, I have a sensitive body when it comes to stimulants. The few times I’ve drank coffee, I was flying off the walls and I did not like how it felt. When I did drink it though, I took it with tons of cream and tons of sugar. To me, black coffee tastes like dirt water and I seriously cannot wrap my hear around why anyone likes the taste. I get it’s purpose, but not it’s desirability. It’s as about appealing as gin shots to me.

If you could take a trip anyhwere in the world, if money and schedule weren’t an object, where would you go?
Hmmm. I kinda hate traveling. To be honest, there’s really no place I’m DYING to go to. I’ve been a shitload of places and , while some were really awesome, none of them really had a profound effect on my life. That said, I’d like to check out Spain. Barcelona sounds awesome. As I may have mentioned before, nowadays, my enjoyment of a place revolves 100% around the food I eat. It would seem that Spain might be up my alley. At the same time, if i were to go to somewhere like St. louis and eat an incredible meal, rest assured , the next day I’d be telling you how dope St. Louis was. So, really, my opinion on shit like this is pretty worthless.

What does it mean when a grown man quotes Oprah for inspirational purposes?

It means a lot. It means he’s a man who’s in touch with his sensitive side. It means he’s not afraid to let the world know how he feels. It also means he and I could never be friends.

How useless is the penny?
I’d say it’s more useful as a murder weapon than it is a currency.

Do you move your mouth when you cut with scissors?
I don’t think so. Is that really a thing people do? No way. That’s retarded.

What do you think will happen in 2012?
A bunch of forgotten famous people will die and people will pretend to be devastated.
Music will become obsolete and all musicians will focus strictly on ringtones
A ton of birds and fish will die and it would mean anything. We got tons of birds and fish in the world. We’re good.
Many of your favorite celebrity couples will have shocking break ups , only to rebound onto another famous person, whom they will also break up with.
AIDS will be cured for rich white people.
Weed will become legal in california but cigarette’s will be banned from any coastal city in the USA.

Do you like to smell your own farts?
LOVE them. Sometimes I like to marvel at them. Other times I wonder how my body could produce a smell so rancid. It’s not like I eat THAT poorly yet they can smell like buring tires being cooked in a wok , covered in vegemite.

Do you eat breakfast?
Not really. I mean, I consider my “first meal” a day lunch but occasionally, it will include eggs.
It’s part of the lifestyle of people who never need to wake up early.

What’s your favorite cereal?
When i was a kid, my mom was one of those parents that never allowed super sweet cereals in the house. Golden grahams and “Life” were the best we’d get. Every now and then I’d trick her into buying those mini-variety packs that were half healthy and half crap. Eating “frosted flakes” blew my mind. I haven’t had cereal in a long time but , ironically, when I crave it, I would rather have Golden Grahams or Life. Goddamnit.

Are you good at card games?
I used to be amazing at this game “21” in grade school but it was like a slightly athletic card game. I’m okay at poker and I love blackjack but, other than those, I don’t really fuck with cards.

Are you handy around the house?
HAHAHAHA!. No. If it’s beyond changing a lightbulb or lifting some heavy shit, I’m worthless. When my girl moved in last year, she painted the place and even did some plaster work. I sat and watched like a smug , lazy asshole.

What is your drink of choice?
For getting drunk? Vodka and soda with a lime. The type of vodka doesn’t matter to me as long as it’s Smirnoff or better. All that shit tastes the same to me.
For not getting drunk? Honest Tea green tea with honey or Gus soda cranberry and lime flavor.

On a scale of 1-10 how good of a dancer are you?
That’s a tough one. I have rhythm but I only know dances from the 90’s and I’m way too self conscious to ever really let myself go on a dance floor. At the same time, dudes letting themselves go on the dance floor are a rare breed. A breed I do not belong to.
That said, I’d say I’m about a 6 with a potential to be slightly better or worse than that on any given day. Also, the only time I dance is when I very drunk.

Things that are wrong with the world vol. 16


Ok. Watch this (thanks to Apex for the link).
Just a warning, while it’s “safe for work” , it’s fucking disturbing.
http://www.vidiload.com/video/104385/Dynamic_Exercise_For_Babies__WTF/

I’m not 100% sure where this video is from (somewhere in eastern Europe) but it really doesn’t matter. This could easily be taking place on some hippie commune in northern California or way upstate New York. It would appear Hippie-ism has come full circle. From the most peaceful losers one earth, alllllllll the way to recording child abuse and putting on the internet. Now, of course, I realize this person’s intentions were not to kill her baby. She was more trying to create a human shake weight. After all, those pounds a new mom puts on after birth are tough to shake off. Why not skip boring, and lifeless free weights when you can pump iron with your newborn flesh and blood. The cool thing about it is, as you work out more, the baby gains weight so it’s like building your strength as it goes along. By the time he/she is five years old, not only will he have no cartilage in his shoulders, but you we be the buffest mom in the park. i mean, how much does a 5 year old weigh? That’s a good workout, yo.
But i digress.
This kind of shit speaks in volumes about the dangers of over hippie-fying your kids when you raise them. Sure, raise them to be peaceful. Raise them to be accepting. But sometimes hippies fall so deep into their own bullshit that it would appear they can no longer differentiate between right and wrong. I’d imagine that woman thinks this “baby workout” brings both you and your baby closer to each other and nature (I dunno where the nature part fits in but they always seem to find a way to fit that in there). It’s the same carefree attitude that makes some hippies appealing (eh…kinda) that makes shit like this exist. I realize we’re all held back by the stringent rules of child raising. “The man” set a pretty boring game plan with that one. You gotta feed him, change him, teach him shit, and try and mold this unrealized person into a functional adult. I know, super bummer, bro. But what if I , a hypothetical hippie dipshit, what’s to color outside the lines? I want my baby to walk a different path. I want him to only eat soy and wear pampers made of tree bark. I also want to use his undeveloped body as huge glow stick and rave with him.
So, yeah, hippies, just suck it up and realize you can’t put your dumb as spin on everything. something are the way they are for a reason.
Baby rule #1: Do not toss around the baby.

Song of the day 1/7/11

HMD
You can leave, but it’s going to cost you By Marvin Gaye
http://usershare.net/p9mmjnzvcwdm

This song is off of Gaye’s widely forgotten yet controversial record “Here, my dear”. An album he made as a divorce settlement with his estranged wife. I could go into the whole story but it would just be poorly rehashed so here’s a direct link to the wiki page that explains everything. I suggest reading it, as it’s very interesting story:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Here,_My_Dear

I wish I knew more about “behind the scenes” music shit cause it would be fun to create a compilation of the best albums ever made out of pure spite. I’d imagine there are some awesome stories behind those album.