My tour only 7”

Just to explain, this is a 7” I made specifically to sell on tour. It’s two remix’s I made (Yesterday is here/Lost and lookin’) and I only pressed 500 copies.
I’ll be selling them on my upcoming tour (peep the dates on the side bar) but for those of you who don’t live in those places, allow me to do you a solid. The good people at Accesshiphop.com are gonna get some from me for you to buy online. Supplies are limited so act fast and place your advanced order. here’s the info:
http://www.accesshiphop.com/store/?itemid=20367

How about my awesome camera work? you’re welcome. The art work is by Owen Brozman who also did the cover of my album “The music scene”.

The Horror

Watching this video seriously makes me want to remove myself from this planet. Not cause I feel bad for the homeless dudes who got crept on by that huge rat , but because I simply cannot handle rats. Like most New Yorkers, I’ve had plenty of shitty experiences with rats. It pretty much goes with the territory. The thing about rats that , aside from their notoriety as being carriers of the plague, is that they are fearless. The amount of times I’ve been strolling down the street and had a rat run over my feet is more than I can count. So, in honor of this horrifying video, here’s some of my least favorite rat moments over the years. Keep in mind, these stories are no where near as bad as having a rat crawl on your face while you’re sleeping but if you can add in my natural fear and disdain for the animals, it helps with the stories.

1)The garbage can
One night, I was walking down 3rd avenue, approaching Cooper union park. It was misty out and i saw movement in the distance. Because if was dark, I couldn’t really make out what I was seeing. Even within 20 feet, I couldn’t tell what was going on. However, a few steps more and I stopped dead in my tracks and turned the fuck around. What i saw was a garbage can with rats POURING out of it. Literally hundreds of rats running in and out of the can to the point where they moved in a fluid like motion. You ever see those National geographic episodes about rat infestation? yeah, it was like that but all in one garbage can. To this day, I cross the street when i walk by that shitty park.

2)The trap

Back in my early twenties, I worked in a bakery. Anyone who has worked in NYC where food is made or sold , can tell you that rats are in effect. When I first got there, the rats were only an issue in the basement. They’d be chilling down there with the coffee cups and plastic knives whenever I had to restock. Suffice to say, re-stocking was pretty nerve wracking for me. One time, I went down there heard a rustle in the corner. I was in the center of the room and the biggest rat I had ever seen was taking the most leisurely stroll I’ve ever seen right by the entrance. I was completely frozen. It was the size of a fat french baguette. Then, I hear another sound, and another equally large rat gets his roll on about two feet behind me. It’s like they were sharks circling. Eventually they disappeared into the darkness and I ran my ass upstairs. I then sent the fearless south american dish cleaning guy down cause he loved murdering rats with a broom. Seriously , he enjoyed that shit. He’d often come back INTO THE FUCKING BAKERY with a dead , bludgeoned rat in a dust pan just to show me his handy work. I’m glad he did it, but fuck, bro. Remind me never to go to El Salvador.

3)Cake time

Eventually, the rats downstairs realized all the food was upstairs. Cakes, muffins, meats and all sorts of tasty shit for a fat, over fed rat to enjoy. This was a serious problem for me cause the bakery was pretty slender. I was behind a counter , in a corner, serving people and , on occasion, a rat would waddle towards me. i’d be totally cornered. Luckily, they’d always eventually go elsewhere but you can imagine my distress when I was serving an unsuspecting customer food and a rat was 3 feet away from me. I can safely say that the board of health frowns upon that. I could tell all sorts of stories about that whole situation (one where the rap got into the fridge display unit , where all the salads were, and basically destroyed everything. All this done is the eye sight of any customer who walked in) but the real cherry on top of this was the time I walked into the back of the bakery , where all the baked good were kept, and saw a rat dead in the center of an entire frosted cake, going to town. It was on the counter, waiting to be picked up. I turned the fuck around and quit soon after that.

4)My building.

Last year, the apartment building i live in had a rat issue. Now, I live on the bottom floor. Where all the rat activity is. The problem was primarily in the garbage room. I hadn’t actually seen the culprits but management was kind enough to put up a sign over the garbage that read “Rats are here”. Awesome. Apparently, the rats had been whylin’ out in the trash so the management built an elevated level to put all the cans on cause, you know, rats can’t climb or anything. At first sight of the “Rats are here” sign, I got a mild panic attack. I felt helpless. I was standing by the door of the garbage room, looking at the empty garbage cans resting atop their elevated surface. No rats in sight. But something just didn’t sit right with me. Instead of strolling over to the cans like I normally would, I opted to stay where I was and just throw the bags into the cans. i was about 8 -10 feet away so it didn’t seem like that big a risk. I threw the first one. Nailed it.Then I threw the second one, it bounced around the top of a few of the cans but finally fell in. Right as it fell in, a single rat shot up out of one of the other cans like he had been catapulted. I turned around, shut the door and ran back to my apartment like the scaredest bitch alive. My building eventually went to great measures to fix the rat problem but I’d be lying if I said I’m not a little shook every time I take out the garbage.

Now, those stories are gross. But how bout a little palate cleanser? About mice. Cause, you know what? Mice are cute. I actually kinda like mice. I lived with one in my old crib for a while and it was never an issue…until I killed it.

So, yeah, I had this mouse co-habitating with me in an old place i lived at. He minded his own business. he was about the size of a marshmallow. However, our beautiful life together came to an end one day when he crossed the line. i was sitting in sweatpants playing nintendo one day. I heard that familiar rustling of my little dude and paid it no mind. Then, all of a sudden, i felt a tickle on my leg. A leg, that was inside of sweatpants. I scratched my upper calf and , like downhill skier, the mouse shot out my pant leg. That little motherfucker had ran into my sweatpants! That was it. No more free ride. I vowed that the next time he’s around, I was gonna capture him somehow and get rid of him. A few days later, I was awoken to a very quiet sound (i’m a bitch ass light sleeper, it happens). I open my eyes and look over at this old butterfly chair I had and, WHAT THE FUCK?
The mouse is standing on the highest point of that chair on his hind legs. It was almost as if he was yelling at me from the highest mountain. I didn’t even know he could do that. i just kinda sat there watching as he gingerly made his way down back to the ground. This was my chance. I grabbed a shoe box from near my bed and loomed. The mouse was kinda just walking aimlessly around on my rug. When the time was right, I pounced and trapped him under the shoebox. My next move was to get a record to put under the box and scoop the motherfucker up. I did this and slowly walked with this makeshift trap to my window. I opened the window and pulled the earth out from under that little asshole. He fell about 4 stories. i didn’t see him land or anything but there was plenty of ivy on the way down for him to grab onto if he really wanted to live. Who knows? Maybe he survived. All i know is that motherfucker was not running up my leg ever again. Score one for the humans.

Answers to questions Vol. 8

As usual, Keep the questions coming either in these comments or by email (phatfriendblog@gmail.com)
Let’s goooo….

-What do you think of Canada? And for that matter Canadians in general.
Actually wouldn’t mind your view on the hip hop situation in Canada at the moment either.

Ahh…a three parter. Lemme break this down.
Canada, the place:
I’ve been to Canada a bunch of times. The thing is, it’s always been to Vancouver, Montreal, and Toronto. Because of this, I actually think Canada is pretty awesome. Vancouver is full of junkies and has an air of that Pacific northwest hippie vibe I’m not crazy about but it’s a cool city with great food. Toronto is like if New York was sterile , slightly boring and filled with nice people. That’s not even a diss. I like Toronto a lot. Montreal is like Greenwich Village but in france. I love it. While the language barrier actually being a problem can get annoying , it’s a small price to pay.
Pound for pound, it’s got the most hot girls I’ve ever seen. Which is funny considering the dudes these girls date. It very well may be the lopsided couple capitol of the world. A place where the most jaw droppingly hot girl will date some skinny dork wearing cargo shorts, block socks and sandals. So, yeah, I’m actually a fan of canada. If New York got blown off the map and I somehow survived, I’d take a serious look into Toronto or Montreal as my new home.

Canada, The people:
Hands down the nicest people ever. I’ve written about this before actually. It’s the kinda niceness that is almost unsettling. This excludes the french Canadian assholes but that’s obvious. Pretty much every canadian I have met is sweet and down to have fun. They’re slightly off at times but the genuine kindness of their personality seems to make up for it.

Canada, The rap music:
Hmmm…well…I liked Maestro Fresh Wes. I guess Choclair had some moments. Sorry guys, but 95% of the rap made in Canada is REALLY bad. The worst culprit is the underground white guy shit you guys make cause it’s taking crackerness to new heights. There is something about hearing words rapped in that canadian accent that is just painful. It’s like a “fargo” accent but worse and should not apply to rapping ever. While I do see some of these artists contain wit and decent ideas , it just sounds so wrong to me. Some people just shouldn’t be rapping. It all comes off as very second hand to me. Don’t get me wrong, there are exceptions , they’re just few and far between. But , to be fair, most rappers in general suck so that 95% rating isn’t even that bad.

– Preferred headphones for studio? For walking around?

I tend to use monitors in the studio. I’ve never been a headphone guy. As for walking around, I use earbuds. I had those Bose ones but, to be honest, I didn’t like them. They always fell out of my ears and the rubber things would fall off all the time. Nowadays,I just buy these $30 sony earbuds. They do the job. I also tend to lose earbuds a lot so I’m not trying to spend mad money on something like that. I’m a creature of simplicity and ear phones that are “good enough” , are fine by me.

– Have you ever fired a gun?
Not a real one. I’ve shot BB guns and shit. I’ve held guns. I’ve had one pressed into my ribcage. I’ve just never shot one. It hasn’t really come up much in my life. Not a lot of casual gun owners round these parts. They either have a gun and need it for beef or they don’t have a gun.

– Have you ever been fired?
Kinda but not really. The types of jobs I had when I used to work were bullshit. I worked behind counters at food places, in the cd section of a record store, as a security guard at a video store/record store. All those things were so easy, it would be hard to get fired unless I really wanted to. However, what I did do was steal from every job. My music collection tripled by working at the cd/record store when I was 18. Eventually, I quit. About a month later, I wanted to go back and inquired about being rehired. The dude looked at me like I was crazy and said the spot had been filled. Right there, I knew he wasn’t as dumb as I thought and was on to the fact that I had been raping his stock room for months. So, I guess not being asked back is as close as it got.

– Would you write a beat for a Justin Bieber song?
Depends. If my name was nowhere near it and I got paid a ridiculous amount of money, I’d consider it. Times are tough on the music industry. Something like that could pay my bills for years. As long as it was nameless, why not?

– Have you ever walked out of a movie in a theatre?
Twice. One time , when I was very young, I walked out of the movie “The Burbs”. I must have really hated it or something. To this day, I don’t recall why and have no idea what that movie is about. Hell, it might be really good. I have no clue.
The other one is slightly more embarrassing. I was in my late teens and going through that phase were you try and watch as many art films as you can. It’s was a boring night and my homeboy and I were looking through the paper for any movie we could see. He read a review for this movie called “Super 8 and half”. The review described it as a comedy about a porn star trying to make a comeback. The titled should have tipped us off but I think we both thought it was a reference to a camera , not a penis. Anyway, we went to see it and ,to our dismay, it was basically a gay porn movie with jokes thrown in. About ten minutes in, we were both pretty uncomfortable and wanted to bounce but the theater was packed and we both felt weird that if we left, people might be offended. I know, that’s a weird way to look at it but the idea of all eyes on us leaving the theater was somehow an issue. We tried to tough it out but by the second blow job scene it was too much. We ran out of there , to a sea of eye rolls from the rest of the audience. I think that was the last time I let that friend pick the movie and , from that point on , if i was going to see some art house movie, there would be research involved.

– Do you eat bacon?
Of course I do. What kind of pussy do you think I am?
Bacon is the ultimate case against vegetarianism. I defy anyone to eat really well made bacon and not like it.

– When’s the last time you threw up?
It’s been so long, I honestly don’t remember. I reached a point a long time ago where I decided to be very strict with myself about when to stop drinking. While I still get wasted on occasion, I never have that one drink that puts me over. I never drink liquor after 2 am. I avoid shots in general (though they happen sometimes). I drink water when I’m done with the alcohol. These things have kept me from barfing for pretty much the last ten years. I forget what year it was, but one new years eve a while back, i decided I’d drink captain morgan’s for the evening. That worked, as I got obliterated. So obliterated, I thought smoking a blunt with hash would be a brilliant idea. About 10 minutes after that, I was in the bathroom , hurling my brains out. Somehow, I still had the presence of mind to take a comedic picture of the barf filled toilet so I could capture the memory. Unfortunately, after that, it was a wrap and I spent the next four hours hovering over the kitchen sink, barfing and sweating, unable to move anywhere else. A friend of mine saved the day by throwing me in a cab with 20 bucks in my pocket. I don’t even remember what happened but a lesson had been learned.
The thing is, I’m not the type of drinker who has that blackout area. I’m either drunk, wasted, or vomiting. There’s no middle part when I’m shit faced and doing crazy shit I don’t remember but , eventually, I’m ok. Because of this, I follow those rules I listed above.

– Thoughts on the current cast of SNL.
They’ve got some Ok people. I’m down with Sandberg , Bill hader and Armisen. The rest I cant really differentiate. I’ve seen a few of the new episodes and the writing has sucked but there’s this one girl (the one who does the Miley Cyrus skit) who is fucking awesome. I don’t know here name but she’s definitely the best new cast member.

– How many pairs of shoes do you own?
If I count old basketball kicks I don’t use anymore , this number goes up but I’ll say about 5 pairs.
I recently threw out a pair cause I stepped in so much dog shit , the prospect of cleaning them off simply wasn’t worth it.

– When’s the last time you wore a suit and tie?
A wedding this past fall. Pretty much the only time I ever wear suits are for weddings and funerals. Kinda fitting.

– Do you still wear any clothing you rocked while you were in high school?

I’m afraid those days are long gone. I dunno how well my Girbauds and Carpenter pants would go over now. However, I do still have the same pair of beef and broccoli Timberlands that I break out when it snows. They’re a half size too small but they get the job done.

– if you could go back to school for anything, what would you go for?

God, I hated school. There is really no subject or “thing” I’d ever want to revisit. I could say I’d wanna go for becoming a shrink or something but the reality of work I’d have to do really puts a damper on that.
That said, if I could, I’d probably go back in time , to high school , and just go to a completely different school altogether. My High school was the fucking worst. Not in terms of it being violent, but as a place of learning, it just failed. I can’t say I would have excelled in any school but the one I did go to was the worst possible place for me to end up ever. I fed into my laziness and leanings towards cheating.

– On a scale of 1-10, how much do you give a shit about politics?

It’s hard to say. I really don’t keep up on politics. I don’t read the paper or watch the news. All that happens around me, in that realm, is very much in the air. i’m aware of it but not really paying close attention. But I certainly do have opinions on things based in politics. I’d like to say my ignorance of the news is cause I’m taking a stand against the corporate blah blah blah…but really it just doesn’t interest me. What’s gonna happen is gonna happen regardless if I watch the news. If the end of days is coming, I’d appreciate the heads up but otherwise, it’s business as usual.
So, I’mma say a 4.7

Enter the gym world


After decades of skating by on good metabolism, I’ve finally reached that point in my adult life where it is time to join a gym. Until now, I’ve been able to stay “in shape” (to me , that really means “Not a total fat ass”) simply by playing basketball a few times a week. I’m not sure what happened (aging?!?!) but a wall was hit and a gut started really taking form. Like most 30+ year old slobs, I have vowed with the changing of the year that I would commit to the gym. Meaning, go a couple times a week while still maintaining my basketball regiment. I figured this will be all I need to keep myself off of an MTV show based about wheel barrow bound fatties crying into plate of french fries. Here’s the problem, I’ve never done any of this kinda shit in my life and I seriously underestimated my preparedness levels. My idea was to go in and hit the running machines, the bikes and all the other cardio-based thing. I’m not trying to get buff. I just wanna lose some weight.
So, I join this gym near my house. It’s pretty nice and way too expensive. Now, to those of you who have been going to gyms for a long time and know what to expect, this will be old hat to you. Nothing I’m gonna say here will be a revelation. But, as a complete outsider, I was not privy to the inner dealings of going to the gym. Keep in mind, i’m only two weeks in but I just wanted to write down some things I’ve noticed that I didn’t know of or expect prior to my entrance into this weird world of fitness. Again, this is the beginner’s beginner guide right here. I’m basically a new born baby in the world.

1)A whole lotta dicks
I can’t remember the last time I was in a locker room on a regular basis. It was probably high school. You know what people did back then? Put their dicks away. In the gym setting, this is not the case. In fact, it would seem like just letting you dick hang out as much as possible is way to be. I’m not saying people have to be all secretive and nervous about it but a little cover up isn’t hurting anyone. Dudes are literally walking around butt naked while holding a towel in their hands. Oh you’re dry? Awesome. How bout you slap that towel around your fucking waist so I don’t have dangling little cocks on all side of my periphery. I mean , seriously. It’s out of control. I was putting my shit in a locker and this dude just casual strolled up to the locker next to mine, dick flailing, and proceeded to slowly dry his legs off like a foot from my face. Normally I would think this is some gay pick up move (This gym is in the village) but he was just some old guy with wet legs. All I’m saying is why are the rules off in terms of dick coverage? It’s like fucking Deadwood in there for stray penis. There are no laws.

2)I underestimated these running machines
I’ve never been much of a runner. I doubt I could run a mile in less than 8 minutes. I’m fucking lazy. But the idea of these easy to use running machines is pretty much the reason I joined the gym. Good on my back and knees and easy. They even guide you through a workout. For someone like me with little or no focus when it comes to working out, it’s needed. The thing is, no one warns you that because you’re using these machines, your body is not going to react to them like they would normal running. I got on the treadmill and ran for 15 minutes. It felt fine. Then I got off it and crumpled to the ground like a new born foal. What the fuck? Because it’s fake , moving, ground my body can’t assimilate to it? So, I learned that lesson pretty quick. Apparently the “cool down” option is there for a reason. To keep people from falling down like weak assholes every time they’re done running. The worst was when I was in the middle of running on one and my Ipod fell and shot of the treadmill (this, I’m learning, is not uncommon for me). I tried to play it cool and causal but I was dead in the middle of the hardest part of the course. I basically stepped off the machine and collapsed directly into sitting indian style. I picked up my Ipod but had to sit there for like 30 seconds like a dipshit while my legs figured out what the fuck was going on.

3)Motherfuckers are SERIOUS
I always thought the image of a gym where dudes stand in front of mirrors and flex was some made up hollywood bastardization of gym life. I was wrong. I cautiously entered the weight room with hope of finding some simple little machine I can do some extremely light lifting on. I immediately regretted going in there. Not only was it chock full of buff bro’s doing buff poses in mirrors, I felt this weird pressure in the room to do more than I had come in there for. Now, I’m not trying to lift a weight. Fuck dumbbells. Not for me. But, when I hit the machines, I couldn’t help but felt like a total pussy struggling through 10 reps of 30 pounds on one of those pully machines. Dudes in there are lifting 60 pound plates with their nipples while I’m taking water breaks between heavy breaths on the ladies thigh master.

4)Hey, they got a basketball court!
This was a big selling point for me , as I planned to get some shooting practice in between workouts. But, what I over looked was “oh, I’m at a gym where people play basketball, I might have to deal with some fucking dickheads.”
In this case, it wasn’t dickheads so much as teenagers. I got involved in a little pick up game with a bunch of kids and was immediately reminded that being the old white guy on the court = setting picks the whole game. It’s hard to explain this certain type of disrespect to people who have never really played pick up basketball. It’s just flagrant over looking of a person for no reason other than they’re age and race. I wasn’t the best guy on the court but I was far from the worst. I was definitely the only guy who knew how to pass the ball and set picks. It was like I was invisible except when I’d get a rebound and dudes would immediately yell for the ball like I was an out of control retard constantly on the verge of throwing it into the bleachers. Seriously, fuck teenagers. Not to get into this too deep but when I was a younger dude playing basketball with older guys, I respected them. Even if they weren’t very good. It was just something you did. This new generations eye rolling towards seniority is really troubling to me. Mothefuckers need some good parenting. And a better jumpshot. All these kids can do it dribble.

5)No eye contact
Something I completely over looked was the girl/guy dynamic to the gym. If you’re hitting the running machines oo stationary bikes, you’re pretty much entering into the most unisex part of the whole gym. Occasionally , you’re gonna see some hot piece of ass on the treadmills. Now, as a man who is spoken for, I’m not trying to creep on anyone like that. This isn’t about hitting on girls in the gym. I’m sure there’s a whole other world of topics that could be discussed in that realm. I’m more just talking about the common courtesy of not being a creep. I gotta say, it’s not easy. titties bouncing, butts jiggling…all over the place. On top of that, you’re bored out of your fucking mind cause you’re running on a treadmill. Time has basically stopped , as far as you know it. So, any distraction is dangerous. The thing is, on the chance that you happen to see that Kim Kardassian ass running right in front of you, it’s pretty fucking hard to not look. I don’t mean stare. I mean casually glance over every 8-11 seconds. This is fine if the girl doesn’t notice but it’s not just her you gotta worry about. The room is filled with people just as bored as you are, looking for things to look at. In turn, that thing might just be you, looking at the girls ass in front of you. Not a huge deal as, fuck these people, you don’t know them. But there is something unsettling about the concept of being viewed as the creepy staring guy in the gym.

I realize I’m just skimming the surface here and I look forward to unlocking more awesome secrets of gym life. I’m sure it will all culminate with me stumbling upon the sodom and gomorrah steam room where my innocence will forever be lost. Let’s hope it doesn’t go there.

Song of the day 1/14/11


Ballad of a menace By C.P.O.

http://usershare.net/37dej9vit5um

C.P.O. was basically MC Ren’s body guard given a record deal. Lil’ Nation was the rappers name and , while he wasn’t particularly good at rapping , he was a massive human being who kept Ren out of trouble. Why not give him a deal? That said, this song was always my shit. Perhaps due to Ren absolutely murdering his verse the way only MC Ren can. The beat is dope to, as it’s a slightly different spin on a much used Isaac Hayes sample. This is just some good old early 90’s pre-G-funk west coast gangster shit. What’s not to love?