This week we discuss Jennifer Love Hewitt and the almost one legged Zsa Zsa Gabor.
My buddies Des and Glossy had this awesome blog called “The boobs” for a while, named after the huge cans they both possess. Des got preggo and it seemed to “hit a wall” (they stopped doing posts) but they’re back with a new website, design and…umm…attitude? Eh, they’re stlll the same funny bitches they were before.
anyway, their new site launched today PEEP IT!
I also assisted in the festivities with a sorta he said/she said article about “5 things you would do if you were the opposite sex for a day”. If you were ever curious what I would do as a lady for a day, you might like this. But i sincerely hope you were never THAT curious about that. Still, it’s a good read. Apparently, busting nuts is way up there for both sexes.
So, yeah, I may be writing more stuff for them in the future but regardless, peep the blog. It’s good times. Especially you girls cause these two are the blueprint of cool broads. Oh , and guys, they show boobs over there as well. Big ones.
If you have cable and free time, there is a good chance that you’ve happened upon a movie called “Havoc”. No, it’s not a documentary about the oft forgotten second member of Mobb Deep. It is a film “based on a true story” about a bunch of L.A. rich kids who take a walk on the wild side (AKA east L.A.) Much like it’s florida counterpart film “Bully” , this terrible yet completely entertaining movie revolves about a bunch of bored white kids looking for something to do. The star is Oscar baiter Anne Hathaway. She plays the leader of the girl whigz. She’s sassy, too smart for her own good and looking for meaning in her life outside of her embarrassing corn ball boyfriend and her lame family. She’s headstrong and knows what she wants.
I defy you not to get douche chills from this scene here but it speaks in volumes about her character in the movie
Anyway, I’m not really trying to get to deep into the plot of this movie or write a review of it. I just think you should all seek it out and fully absorb it on your own. I’d much rather just make some points about it:
1)Hathaway REALLY went for it.
There is no question in my mind that when Hathaway took this part, she thought this might be an oscar role. Or at least a career breakout moment. She attacks this role with fury and dedication. Problem is, the movie is a complete fucking joke and she has no fucking idea what she’s doing. But you gotta hand it to her for going all out. I mean, she shows her tits all over this movie. I know she’s not shy in that respect but you gotta think it was an artistic choice she was willing to make for such a seemingly riveting film. So, she did this:
2)The Bijou rape factor
I realize Bijou Phillips is a bit of a weird looking little gremlin but i’ve always thought she was kinda hot. Perhaps it’s her awesome tits? I mean, they’re in pretty much every movie she’s ever been in. But there’s something else about Bijou. She may very well be the most raped woman of all time in cinema. Between this movie, “Bully”, “Black and White” and “Hostel 2”, directors must take some sick pleasure in watching this girl get terrorized. Also, with the exception of “hostel 2”, I’d say that Bijou has a knack for starring in movies about fucked up kids that are, by all reasonable accounts, awful films yet highly watchable. If there was a tv channel that only showed those three movies all the time, it would be creepy how much i flip back to it over the course of EVERY day. She has cornered the slutty, she-whig/white trash rape victim market like no one else. Props?
3)The best line ever
I’m seriously pissed I can’t find this scene on youtube as it’s very subtle but also the crowning achievement in this movie. Allow me to set the scene: The group of girls go out for a night on the town. They get bored at the swanky club and decide to ride down to the hood to see what the real action is like.
The run into the mexican drug dealer who had robbed their boys the day earlier. They are intrigued. The mexican drug dealers, seeing this pearly white ass everywhere , make a move and invite the girls to a local party. The girls accept. They roll up on a party taking place outside of a crib. it’s cholo’s for as far as the eye can see. Tatted up dudes drinking forty’s, girls with painted on eyebrows, cypress hill music. At first the ladies are kinda scared but, of course, they eventually loosen up and enjoy themselves. The cholo’s are like real people! So, there’s this one montage like scene where the camera is hopping around , kinda setting the mood that she girls are “fitting in”. The last shot of it shows Hathaway sitting on a staircase, shootin’ the shit with some people , when two more cholo’s roll up and she says in the most casual way possible “So, you guy like hip hop?”. Now , THAT is how you start a convo with poor people!
Maybe it’s just me, but never has a line made me happier than that one. I can’t really even put it to words why but it’s so fucking funny to me that every time this movie is on TV, I will wait specifically for that scene before I change the channel.
4)Your man Joseph Gordon Levitt is such a retard in this.
I don’t know what person Levitt was drawing inspiration from for this role, but I’d like to meet him…and kill him. I don’t doubt that there are many whigs of this proportion on the planet. I mean, shit, earth is a big place. But, WOW. I’m not even mad at him. Much like Hathaway, he went for it. Granted, he comes across as a weird thug muppet but i promise you won’t see a character that whigged out in many movies.
“That’s the kinda shit that can make a gawd question, like, what’s really good?”
5) Note to all whites who wanna hang in the ghetto: When visiting , be sure to wear your kangol hat cause , that way, you’ll blend right in. Lesson learned.
Like I’ve mentioned before, there is something so beautiful about a failure of this magnitude. By that, I mean that so many people involved with this movie obviously felt this was gonna be the next “Kids” and become a huge underground hit or even oscar bait like that shitfest “Crash”. While the topic isn’t exactly new (white kids rebelling against their own privilege) , they really went all in trying to “expose” this seedy under world where beautiful and wealthy white girls submit themselves to all sorts of deviant acts just to be down with their counter culture. I think what I find funny about the whole thing is that this whole idea is approached as something truly shocking. Perhaps I’m not this movie’s target audience but the intimate ways of the whig are never shocking. Always corny and embarrassing , but never shocking. But that’s part of what makes this movie is so awesome/terrible. It’s hollywoods version of whigs gone wild. It’s a more serious take on that moment in every shitty hood flick where the old crotchety white blow hard finally “gets it” and says some shit like “No doubt my nizzle!” and everyone laughs.
But, what it really comes down to is that these kids are bored…they are so…fuckin…boooored
(watch this clip and see what the above quote means…and try not to start saying it too much. it’s addictive)
Ahhh….it’s a new year. Time to answer some more reader questions.
As always, keep them coming. Ask them in the comment section or email me them (Phatfriendblog@gmail.com)
Let’s start this on out with a banger:
What’s the worst sex you’ve experienced?
I’d say the worst overall experience that comes to mind was the first time I went down on a girl. I was 15 and dating this punk rock girl. We had been hooking up for a while and no oral sex had happened yet. in fact, it hadn’t even been hinted at. Finally , one night, she went down on me. It was a very 16 year old blow job in that it was awkward and never really went anywhere. It was like my dick was just kinda hanging out in her mouth. Not much movement or anything. Eventually , she just stopped. According to male law that my other 15 year old friends had taught me, this was my cue to go down. It was pitch dark in the room and I had never seen a vagina before let alone had my face in one. I got down there and she was very hairy. I mean , this was the early 90’s and she was on some Riot Grrrrrl shit, so it’s not too shocking. I bushwacked my way through the hair until I found a moist spot and started licking it. I remember it was summer and very humid. Suffice to say, it was like a jungle asshole down there and i was struggling. The thing is, I was completely clueless of the female anatomy at that point. I was just licking it where ever , hoping that my tongue would land on skin, as opposed to a tuft of matted hair. The smell was rough. It smelled like old sweat and fecal matter. I eventually gave up and, I swear, the smell didn’t fully leave my mouth and face for like 5 days.
Years later, when i had the whole pussy eating thing well figured out, it dawned on me that I very likely had been licking that girls asshole. FAIL. I think the funniest thing about that is that she either thought I was a retard or just a REALLY kinky dude who liked licking assholes at age 15. I guess I’ll never know.
If we’re talking actual intercourse, I’ve certainly had my share of short rides but none that were truly that bad. The worst sex I’ve ever had has been with girls who were doing it for the wrong reasons. Like getting back at some dude or because they were lonely and needed a place to crash. I would have rather just not had sex at all.
That or just weirdo girls. There was this one girl i used to sleep with occasionally and it was ok. I guess one time I was entering her from behind and i slipped making my penis poke her butthole. It didn’t even go in it. Not even close. She freaked out (i was drunk and slipped, get over it!) and from then on, her ass was off limits to me. And I mean her whole ass. Like, she wouldn’t let me put my hand on the cheeks. Needless to say, that ended pretty soon after that. If i can’t cup a girls ass, what’s the fucking point? Anyway, I always found that funny cause not matter how much I explained to her I had no interest in that entrance, she wouldn’t drop it. And seriously , I have NO interest in that hole. What a stupid bitch. I hope her and her current boyfriend/husband are having shitty sex right now with their hands tied behind their backs.
Are there any TV shows you watch that aren’t shit?
Every show i watch is completely awesome. At least the ones I seek out. But you also have to understand there is high and low brow awesome. To me, they’re both equally satisfying. Not everyone wants to watch fuckin’ Masterpiece theater all day.
Being that my “job” has a fairly open schedule, I do end up catching some terrible shows though. I see even more terrible movies actually. I also live with my girl so that plays into my terrible TV watching as well. You think I’d ever watch “Millionaire matchmaker” on my own? fuck no. But, when it’s time to scroll through the DVR and pick something to watch with her, it’s better that than some bullshit like “What not to wear” or “bridezillas”.
Where can I get a good slice of pizza in NY? How about Chinese food?
Pizza: EVERYWHERE. It’s NYC , man. Our most half assed pizza is pretty decent by american standards. If you want particular spots , peep Ben’s on west 3rd, South brooklyn Pizza on 1st ave between St Marks place and 7th, Joe’s on carmine st, Two boots on 7th ave and greenwich , Artichoke on East 14ths street. Seriously, there are endless decent to great place to find a slice in MYC.
Chinese food: Chinatown. I fuck with NY Noodletown on Bayard and bowery. It’s decor is grimy but the wonton noodle soup and Salt baked fish is some next level shit.
I’d like to know those times when you were wrong. Maybe you couldn’t admit it at the time, but now, looking back, can you admit to having horribly misjudged something, boldly defended some retarded opinion, or just got your facts totally jacked up? Do you want to run with that?
Oh man. I’m wrong all the time.Constantly. That’s the beauty of sweeping generalizations. They’ve got about 50% accuracy. But if we’re talking things I’ve looked back on and realized I was wrong, it would most have to do with things like music I used to like and movies I’ve loved/hated. A little time and personal growth does wonders for a persons tastes.
what are you thoughts about ripping rare and hard to find vinyl and posting it to the internet? i always thought it was in a separate category from just downloading music because the part where you might never be able to hear it if someone doesn’t put it on the internet. just a thought…
I’m all for it. The only people this effects personally are snobby record collectors who think they have the right to charge people ridiculous amounts of money for records just because they’re hard to find. In fact, I love that people who post up rare albums on the net cause they take all the power out of the hands of people like that. There’s nothing wrong with collecting vinyl but if you’re doing it as a way to brag or feel superior, you’re a total dipshit. The fact of the matter is that , the albums are rare and out of print. This means they’re hard to find AND the artists are not making a penny off of any sale made after the initial sale of the record that probably happened 3 decades ago. Once the artists rights are removed from the equation, I stop giving a fuck about “supporting” anything. I haven’t bought actual records to sample in years. I tend to get all my samples from random blogs online where dudes upload crazy rare records. I’m not trying to spend $100 on a record I might find a good horn sound on. So, I download it for free. Cut out the middleman…the greedy collector.
I’ve always been very weirded out by these types of music collectors cause it seems like they’re love of the music is based solely on the idea of the music and not the actual product. Trust be told, most rare records kinda suck. I mean, they may be great to sample but lots of that stuff is just crappy music. I’m not willing to pay 20 bucks for a great album on cd , why would I pay for a shitty one of vinyl? If I was a collector, sure. But what some collectors have to understand is that not everyone who listens to music is a collector. The “Value” of whatever record doesn’t apply to those of us who don’t give a fuck about it. It’s like baseball cards. Show me a dude with the most expensive baseball card on the planet and I’ll show you a guy with a basically worthless piece of cardboard. Sure, to him and some others it’s priceless, but to most people, it’s just as valuable as the gum it came with.
Well, it’s January 1st 2011 and I’d imagine most of you are curled up in your bed wishing you hadn’t had the last shot of tequila at 4 am. I feel you, bro.
As of January 2nd, this blog will be officially 1 year old. I’m fairly impressed that I haven’t thrown it in the back of the closet with my Ab-roller and old sneakers. Now, while most blogs are doing their “Remember 2010!” posts by counting down lists of shit involving things outside their blog, I’m a little more self serving. Here are some lists , but they are 100% related to this blog and shit I’ve posted.
Luckily for you, they’re also based on popularity. You see, Wordpess is awesome cause it gives you really good stats. Like, how much one post gets read ,when and even how that person found that particular post. Because of this, I can make a pretty clear list of the posts that got the most love. I was actually surprised with some of these…So, in case you missed any of these, here’s the “best” of 2010. Lots of free downloads, rants and video to help you through whatever hangover you got working.
Top 5 most read posts of 2010
Top 5 posts that got read because of google search and , partially, perverts:
Top 10 Music giveaways
A special gift from Aesop and I
Throwaway files Vol. 1
Unreleased Despot banger
Chase Phoenix demo\'s from the 90\'s
Party fun action committee rarities and beyond!
Introducing The Mighty Jones
Sir Jarlsberg will change your life
Live in NYC 2004
Blockhead album cuts vol. 1
A special halloween song for you
Top five mixes
Top five video related posts
And finally, 5 old posts you probably missed but I think are worth revisiting: