Monthly Archives: February 2011

Answers for questions vol. 14

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Keep’em coming. Mail me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or put them in the comments section.
I didn’t get to all of last weeks entries this week but I’ll get on those next week for sure.

With the success that you have received in the music world, it begs the question, What level or degree of mason are you? 

I’m an orange belt in free masonry. Meaning, I’ve met the lowest level member of the Illuminati but I’ve yet to been fully hazed in. I’m hoping in the upcoming weeks to do that thing where you run up a ladder clenching a hot dog in your butt cheeks. I hear that’s the final step to becoming a full free mason.

Have you ever considered writing a book? I mean, who has the time for the kinda shit…but figuratively.
would you take the opportunity?

I can’t say I’ve considered it cause it’s never been a real option but I would love to do that. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with figuring out how to get that done.
I like writing but I also write this way for a reason. I’m a college drop out with very little knowledge of sentence structure and basic grammar. If spell check didn’t exist, reading my blog would be like looking at cave drawings. But hey, if any of you out there put out books, holler at the kid and we’ll get this shit poppin’.

Worst job you ever had?

When I was 19, I had just dropped out of College. My parents weren’t happy and I had no intention of going back. At the time, My mom was working as a social worker at a school for disabled kids. Somehow, she pulled some strings and got me a job there. It was a high school and some of the kids were actually older than me. I could go into a long-winded yet uplifting story about how hard yet fulfilling this job was but I’d be lying. While I do think it could have been that way, I was 19. I was in no mind-set to be working that kind of job. Basically, I would get up at 5:30 am (strike one), take the F train to the last stop in Queens and then take a bus (strike 2) , just to arrive at this madhouse full of kids ranging from slightly emotionally disturbed dyslexics to batshit crazy kids that needed harnesses to walk (strike 3 through 8). Again, My 19-year-old brain was not prepared for this. Because I was under qualified , my job was to give special help to this one student in particular. I was basically a less glorified teachers assistant. He had something known as Prader willi syndrome. I’m not 100% sure about all of the characteristics of it but he was highly OCD and emotionally childish. He ate EVERYTHING. In fact, he had a little bald spot on his head from where he scratched and made dandruff fall, that he would then eat off the desks. Worst of all for the kid was that he was never gonna age. He was pretty much just stuck in the body of a pudgy , awkward 13-year-old forever. I felt terrible for the kid but, also, he was a total asshole. I realize that this is entirely due to his condition but , man, I hated that kid so much at that time. His condition was one that made any good deed done to make his life easier completely thankless. He’d scream at me all the time and cry uncontrollably when he didn’t get what he wanted. It was awful. So, yeah, that job sucked. I’m glad I did it in hindsight, but it was completely brutal at the time.

How did this girlfriend of yours that must put up with a lot of crazy shit?

First off, very well put question…for someone from planet GRARGNON. Ba dum bum…anyway, My girl doesn’t have to put up with THAT much. I’m pretty mellow in real life and she works insane amounts of hours at her job so it’s not like she’s around me all day while I’m ranting about dumb shit (which I don’t do anyway, as much as it might seem like I would). To be honest, she almost never reads this blog anyway. I dunno if it’s for the betterment of her own health or she’s too busy or cause she thinks I’m an idiot. Whatever the case, it’s fine with me. She hears all this shit come out my mouth eventually anyway.

Yo Block, being a basketball fan, are you psyched that Melo’s on the Knicks now?Fuck the Knicks and their Melo-drama!  Does this trade get them out of the first round?

These were two separate questions that I just made in to one.
It’s cool that the knicks got Melo. I think it will eventually lead to good things (other players coming to NYC) but they aren’t winning shit with this team they have now. No real center or even a back up and a serious lack of depth. They can make it to round 2 this year (depending who they play) but they simply cannot beat the elite teams in a 7 game series with the team they have now. Defensively, they’re terrible and I’m pretty sure no shitty defensive team ha ever won the championship.

What is the purpose of pinching a girl’s nose while receiving a BJ?

It could be the hopes of making her laugh so the jizz comes out her tear ducts or just being a complete asshole

What do you think of Dubstep? I mean the real grimy Wamp wamp dirty stuff(so the kids call it).  Would you consider doing some music of this type that ties back into hiphop? Amp 1 and Bassnectar had a pretty good collaboration on a recent album but maybe that kind of stuff is a better one off…  

I recently commented on this but I’d like to clarify. I don’t hate dubstep. I simply don’t care about it. In my world, (outside of random shows I play where dubstep is playing) it does not exist. The shit I’ve heard has ranged from loud and boring to slightly less boring and loud. I like some of the drums they use but the overall product just isn’t for me. I can’t really fuck with any genre of music that has one set BPM. Also, I’m old. I don’t go out and take Molly while dancing all night. It’s just not my scene. I feel like older people who try to cling on to their own social relevance by trying to keep up with every little electro music fad are kinda the worst.

Notes from the road Pt. 7 (The ski town edition)

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Ahhh….Back up in it. The last 3 days on tour have been in the lovely state of Colorado or , as I like to call it, the land of mountains and the white people who love them.
Let’s get into it:

The wonders of Ski towns

The first two dates of this tour took place in Ski towns. Aspen and steamboat springs. As a man who does not particularly enjoy natures spoils, I’ve never been to places like this before and it was very interesting to take in from an outsiders perspective. Perhaps the most interesting thing about them to me was how they made me feel. Tired. Short of breath. Constipated. Yes, the altitude seriously fucked with me. In aspen, they had an oxygen machine backstage which I routinely sucked on for 5 minutes at a time cause I felt like I was constantly on the verge of my lungs collapsing. I was told it takes about 6 weeks to fully acclimate to the thinner air. Well, 2 days in and I was still breathing like premie.

A few things I noticed about ski towns:
1)The overall vibe was strange.
The shows went off. Packed crowds of people raging but it felt as if no one really cared what music was playing. It was more they were happy any music was playing. As a performer (I use that term loosely) , it’s a weird feeling to see a crowd who’s obviously enjoying themselves but also completely indifferent to what you were doing. I could have easily spun late 90’s R&B tracks and got the same response. Also, can Dub step just go away already? I had way too many talks with people about this genre (they bought it up). If you ever wanna see me sign out of a conversation , say the words “Dub Step” and you can probably actually see my eyes roll into the back of my head and do a 360 as my mind visibly drifts to other plains.

2)Lots of people in casts
That’s self explanatory.

3)No one works?
Ski towns are funny in that they seem to run on the barter system or something. these shows were on a monday and a tuesday and fools were getting hammered (i mean, seriously shit faced) while staying out as late as they could. It’s as if schedules and responsibility don’t exist in ski towns. It’s actually kinda cool but it’s also responsible for 40 year old ski bum burn outs who seemingly emerge from the woods once a month only to purchase lip balm and red bull.

4)Where’s the crime?
I don’t mean, why is there no crime. I know why there’s no crime in ski towns. People are either rich or stoned and getting to these places takes a lot of gas and wheels that devious low lives just don’t have. However, hypothetically, if I were a thief of some sort, I would rent a U-haul and head up to any number of these ski towns (or places like Cape Cod) during the off season and just casually rob the entire town blind. First off, when it’s off season, only a small hand full of people actually live there. I’d imagine you could tell what house is filled by the car in front. No car out front after midnight = Free shit. Something I’ve noticed about small town communities with low crime rates is that people trust one another. Thus, while the door might not be unlocked (though that’s entirely possible), I doubt they’ve got an alarm system. In fact, I’d bet you could get in through any number of windows. Not to mention, these places are spaced out. A little breaking glass isn’t gonna wake up the neighbors. Once inside, I’d imagine all sorts of tv’s, dvd players and even furniture. Fuck it. Steal an ottoman. You got nothing but time.
So, yeah, I would never do this but I’m just saying, all you travel friendly crooks out there, get on this. It’s big business.

5)The hot springs
Continuing with my ever expanding horizons, I joined my tour mates in a trip to the hot springs. In the past, my experience with things like this don’t range far past sticking my head inside a sauna before deciding I’ll pass on that steamy hot room that smells like old ballsacks. This was quite different. It was an all natural array of hot pools of water you just kinda lounge in. It was like a huge community bath full of kids and hippies. That said, it was pretty fucking nice. My old joints felt great in the steaming water and losing toxins from my body in ways other then horrific dumps was a nice change of pace. We stayed in there for about an hour. I noticed my body was kinda freaking out at points. My heart was beating super fast. Almost in a panicked state. It didn’t dawn on my dumb ass that I was totally dehydrated cause , you know, I was sitting in a pool of water. When we got back to the car to continue our drive to the next location , I felt like I had a full blown flu. Eventually I slugged down 3 bottles of water and some coconut juice and normalized but , man, why does healthy shit always fuck me up? Well, not all healthy shit. The new age-ish stuff that people in Colorado do. I personally can’t blame them and should honestly lay the blame on my body being so unhealthy that any outside interference cause it to freak out. Awesome. Basically, I’d probably feel better eating fried chicken and donuts then I would after a steam bath in some hot springs and a full body message. That can’t be good.

6)Are hotel pranks some new things?
Two nights in a row, my roomie and I were awoken at 6 am cause some motherfucker had set the alarm on the radio clock the night before. In two different hotels! who does that? I’m all for pranks but where the fun when you don’t get to witness it. Serious cocksuckery , right there. Last night, we stayed at a hotel with paper thin walls. About an hour after our 6 am alarm clock wake up, the person in the room next to us put on their tv and turned the volume all the way up. The shit was blaring. I could literally follow the plot of whatever CSI they were watching cause I heard every word. This went on for three hours until the cleaning lady knocked on the door. Apparently, this unbelievable asshole had left the tv blasting right as they left the room. You know, just because. Infuriating.

Anyway, we played Fort Collins last night and it was awesome. Non ski-towns for the win! I got a whole separate blog i’mma write about a funny conversation I had with some drunk girl cause it really deserves it’s own discussion. Word.

Song of the day 2/24/11

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Cranium By Gauge the mental murderah
http://www.usershare.net/wdv9jm1jjgq0

This is one of those songs that, while it wasn’t important, does perfectly describe a moment in time. That moment is the mid/late 90’s underground hip hop explosion before it REALLY took off into the rawkus years. Back when most of us would take our cues from Stretch & Bob on a weekly basis. During that time, rappers like Gauge came and went. They had one mildly popular 12” and that was it. Often, they would have the co-sign of a bigger artist (in gauge’s case, it was the cella dwellas). My vinyl collection is full of these kinds of artists.
What I love about this is that this was mediocre when it came out. He had his “breathless style” and ran with it. But not many people cared either way cause every rapper there had their own quirky thing they did to attempt to set themselves apart from one another (remember when rappers strived for originality? crazy , right?). The irony of all this is that if he came out now sounding like this, not only would he maybe blow up (assuming he rapped about things other then his cranium) but he’s be accused of biting a “Weird” rapper like Lil’ Wayne cause he’s the only famous person rapping like an alien.
Basically what I’m saying is the most half assed underground rapper from that era is only slightly less interesting and original than the strangest rapper out today that gets praised as the best mc alive.
It’s too bad, Gauge could have been the next drake had he been born 15 years later. Oh well.

Got time to waste pt 2?

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Phat friend reader Kitty bear just sent me a link to this game. It is both hilarious and frustrating. The idea is to used the q,w,o,p buttons on your computer to make this dude run. I got about 3.5 meters so far. There are videos on youtube of dudes running 100 meters like this:

That shit just blew my mind…considering when I play the dude looks like a new born foal.
Peep it:
http://www.foddy.net/Athletics.html

The Premature ultimatum

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I’ve been out of the single person game for a while now. On some levels I miss it (fucking random people at random) but , overall, I don’t. Sure, the grass is always greener but for every hot random hook up story i hear, there are like 7 tales of utter woe about dealing with other single people. Because it’s been a while, I do feel a slight remove from the world of singledom. But something reminded me of that lifestyle the other day and got me thinking.

Recently, I had a semi discussion with a friend of mine who is very single. While she’s not exactly looking for her husband, she’s also not shut off to the idea of actually liking a dude and seeing where it goes. I’d say that’s the healthiest headspace any single girl could have. So, she was “seeing” this guy. By “seeing” I mean hooking up with kinda randomly and mostly when drunk. Really, the best kind of relationship a single guy can ask for. Unfortunately , my friend is a girl and these type of relationships only have a so much legs before they careen off the track. From my understanding, it got to the point where the relationship had slightly evolved into a texting thing and , out of nowhere the dude started acting weird.

Now, this happens all the fucking time. It’s really one of the best/worst things about how prevalent texting has become in the realm of hook ups. When I was single , texting pretty much changed my whole life, in respect to how to interact with girls you were hooking up with but not “dating”. It enabled me to keep a distance but, at the same time, stay on good terms. 20 years ago, this kind of shit would involve phone calls and hour long talks leading to the eventual pull out cause it was simply too much work for a guy not looking to settle down. With texting, it has become easy. Say “hi” every now and then during the week and flirt then drop a line at 3 am on a weekend to see what’s really going on. You’re good. Sure, this obviously can backfire as any self respecting girl not in it just for sex will most likely sign off on the premature booty call. But , for the very single man, that’s really just a problem fixing itself. It’s like survival of the fittest but with sluts. And, please, don’t take that as a put down to girls who are down to get down. The world needs more people like you guys. It evens the playing field.

So, back to my friend. The guy she had been texting with was not responding and just acting weird in general. As a dude watching this, I have some idea of what’s going on. I don’t know this dude and I’ve never met him but I know how dudes act. All I could tell the girl was be careful and don’t get too wrapped up in it. But then it came to me…why not just lay all her cards on the table? When you’re a girl in a situation like this, you really have nothing to lose. It’s not like you can’t get laid elsewhere. You own a vagina. That should never be an issue. But if you actually do have feelings for the guy who’s being slightly distant or strange, you’ve really got nothing to lose in just stepping to him about it. Every girl has her boiling point with this kind of shit. I’ve been stepped to on more than one occasion by a frustrated hook up looking for more and , while it was uncomfortable, it does set the record straight. No ambiguous text talk. No confusion. Honestly, these talks have ended with me losing a booty call but it is kinda nice to part ways with someone amicably , regardless of how serious the relationships was. Not to mention, lots of times a girls issue with the dudes that she is fucking with is based on her headspace. The same girl who’s flipping on you right now might be a perfect hook up five months down the line. You never know.

But I digress. With this conversation , often comes a big risk. “Real talk”, as the kids call it, can go terribly wrong in this situation. By that, I mean there’s a good chance the dude will tell you what’s really up and you’ll get rejected. Certainly, most guys aren’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings . They’ll have some excuse to let you down easily, explaining why they could never REALLY date you. With guys, it’s always something. While this explanation will no doubt be thin and complete bullshit, take it for what it is. A rejection. Take that and get away. On to the next one , as the kids also say.

Basically what I’m talking about here is the premature ultimatum. The dreaded “What are we?” conversation that every single man does not want to have. As much as it’s “the end of fun” for most guys, I can’t front, it’s totally justifiable. Women get bad rap for being kinda crazy and irrational. While I don’t exactly disagree with that synopsis, we also gotta understand that it’s shit like this that makes them that way. Guys are relentless in their indifference towards most girls. Yes, relentless indifference. It’s fucking unbreakable. Indifference is girl Crack. Both in how they react to it and how much it fucks them up. The premature ultimatum put’s a mans indifference to the test. We hate that shit, but it’s necessary. If you’re stuck in booty call limbo and he’s giving you mixed signals, drop the hammer. Sorry guys, but it’s for the better. I know you’re cursing me for giving away this info but get over it , bro. If you’re the type of dude who can lock down one booty call, surely you can find another. Perhaps one that doesn’t secretly wanna date you and puts up with bullshit because of that.

P.S.
I only wrote this cause I’m wifed up and I wanna see all you single cocksuckers suffer. Ha! Deal with it.

Btw, This is somewhat of a companion piece to this: https://phatfriend.wordpress.com/2010/12/28/real-talk/
In fact, it pretty much makes the same point but, fuck it, I think they’re different enough. Sue me.

Answers for Questions Vol. 13

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Here we go again!
Ok, check this out…I didn’t love this weeks questions. Too many rap questions, not enough shit to really sink my teeth into. I’m happy people even bothered asking but I’d like to see you people get a little inventive with it. I know you can do it.
Send all questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section here.
And away we go:

Hey, this is random but do you watch “The Boondocks”?

I’ve seen a bunch of episodes. I like it a lot. The one where they rip apart tyler perry was fucking amazing.

I have questions. #1 – Do you believe ufo’s are real? (excluding the bullshit answer of; ‘yes, im sure there have been flying objects that have been unidentified..) what about aliens?

I’m one of those guys that doesn’t believe in anything. God, conspiracies, ghosts, your feelings. However, for some reason, i do believe there are other life forms in the universe. Whether or not they’ve cruised by this planet or not remains to be seen but I do believe there is more to the universe then our bum asses. What would be really cool is if there were aliens but they were like total morons. I think south park did an episode in that vein but their version of dumb aliens were more just annoying. It would be funny if there were some aliens that were as smart as toddlers. Of course, this would all be cancelled out by them being able to create a flying saucer or whatever.
Basically, I want to know we’re not the dumbest people in the universe.

#2 – Who is the most recent MC or hip hop artist that has blown you away? if any. and who outside your regular colaborators would you like to work with? How do you see the current state of Hip-hop? Who are some promising artists currently making music that you see as having potential?

Anyone who’s been reading my blog for a while knows I’ve been championing Danny Brown and Earl Sweatshirt for a while. Now that Odd future is famous, this isn’t big news but I still stand by Earl as a dude to be excited about. Some goes for Jay ELectronica. He’s got a deal with ROc nation and I’m hoping they let him keep his dignity and enable him to make a good record.
As for people I’d like to work with? Shit…I don’t know. Whoever I just listed above works for me.
The current state of hip hop is fine. There are good new artists. Beats are improving. I mean, i can’t lie, I give so much less of a shit nowadays about hip hop and it’s dealings. I don’t even think about it. Back in the day , I’d get mad and have all these strong opinions but I’m simply too old to take anything that seriously.

As for new artists, I like Open Mike Eagle a lot and this dude Self Says from Detroit.
As I mentioned above. My ear isn’t exactly to the tracks. I hear shit by default and a few things stick. 90% of what I hear is completely fine but also completely forgettable and mediocre. Oh , and I still like Necro.

#3 – do you have any music that people might be surprised that you actually like? Are you secretly a big fan of the Beegees or Taylor Swift or anything random like that?

Hmmm…It depends how easily surprised you are. I don’t listen to much new stuff. I do have a huge knowledge of 80’s music and I’ve always been a fan of lots of that cheesy shit. I like antony and johnsons. umm…The talking heads? I mean, the thing is, none of those are really embarrassing. I tend to not really listen to shitty music if I don’t have to.

What hardware and software do you use for producing your music? Oh, and when is that next Aesop album dropping? 🙂

I have no intention of answering these two questions as they are a glowing examples of questions to not ask me. These are the types of questions that every half assed interviewed has asked me in every interview ever. I know the person asking didn’t mean any harm but I just can’t do it. Google me. The answers for these types of questions are everywhere.
Oh the off chance that this person was joking, I apologize and you totally got me with that one.

Would you ever move out of the country?
(As I get older, I’m starting to despise Chicago winters. And I love latinas, so warmer climate with better women sounds great right now)

If Manhattan was blown of the planet and i somehow survived, yes. If not, never. But, if i had to, I’d move to toronto or montreal. I like a bunch of places in europe but I don’t think I could live there for a long stretch of time.

If you could go back in time and be any professional athlete, who would that be?
(My Grandpa told me that he watched Chamberlain play for the Globetrotters once. I also like Babe Ruth history, so it sorta got me thinking about the topic)

I wouldn’t go back very far. I’d be Derek Jeter. Now, he’s not my favorite athlete by any stretch but that dude’s pro sporting life has been amazing. Between winning all those titles and having sex with pretty much every girl I’ve ever jerked off to (I’m not lying when I say he fucked the hottest girl from my high school), you can’t front on the dude.
If this was strictly based on the sport though, I’d love to be dominique Wilkins. He’s my all time favorite B-ball player and having his ability would be pretty epic. Sure, he never won shit and fairly one dimensional, but he was the human fucking highlight film! Top that!

(side note: I just realized the original question was if you could go back and “Watch” any athlete, not “be” but my poor reading comprehension ass answered for the latter. Oh well…My apologies to the person who asked this question and , yes, I did edit it to make sense.)

I’m on tour Pt. 2

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Yoyoyoyo,
The east coast tour kicked ass and I’m heading out west for a week. If you live in Colorado, Texas or New Orleans, come out and say hi. I’ll again be touring with Emancipator. Good times to be had for all!
Here are the dates:
2/21 Aspen, CO @ Bellyup Aspen
2/22 Steamboat Springs, CO @ Ghost Ranch Saloon
2.23 Fort Collins CO @ Hodi’s Half Note
2.24 Boulder CO @ Fox Theatre
2.25 Dallas TX @ Tree’s
2.26 Austin TX @ Aces Lounge
2.27 New Orleans, LA @ The Hookah

Oh, and I still have my limited edition 7” record that I’ll be selling as well as all my albums and my “Peanuts in your mouth” tour cd. And for you heads in Austin and New orleans, I’m hopefully gonna have some shirts for sale.

Song of the day 2/18/11

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Ain’t nobody straight in L.A. By The Miracles
http://www.usershare.net/iym6ebsvvva0

This song was sent to me by a reader. I forget his name but he’s a funny dude (feel free to take credit in the comments, I’m just too lazy to look through my old emails). Anyway, this joint is pretty fucking bizarre.
Apparently, The Miracles were frustrated with the party scene in L.A. due to the large amounts of gay people. Now, the cool thing about this song is , it could have easily flown off the tracks into a wildly homophobic rant but it manages to stay in the center. They even decide to go to a gay bar at the end cause “some of the finest women are in a gay bar”. Well played, The Miracles.