The Premature ultimatum

I’ve been out of the single person game for a while now. On some levels I miss it (fucking random people at random) but , overall, I don’t. Sure, the grass is always greener but for every hot random hook up story i hear, there are like 7 tales of utter woe about dealing with other single people. Because it’s been a while, I do feel a slight remove from the world of singledom. But something reminded me of that lifestyle the other day and got me thinking.

Recently, I had a semi discussion with a friend of mine who is very single. While she’s not exactly looking for her husband, she’s also not shut off to the idea of actually liking a dude and seeing where it goes. I’d say that’s the healthiest headspace any single girl could have. So, she was “seeing” this guy. By “seeing” I mean hooking up with kinda randomly and mostly when drunk. Really, the best kind of relationship a single guy can ask for. Unfortunately , my friend is a girl and these type of relationships only have a so much legs before they careen off the track. From my understanding, it got to the point where the relationship had slightly evolved into a texting thing and , out of nowhere the dude started acting weird.

Now, this happens all the fucking time. It’s really one of the best/worst things about how prevalent texting has become in the realm of hook ups. When I was single , texting pretty much changed my whole life, in respect to how to interact with girls you were hooking up with but not “dating”. It enabled me to keep a distance but, at the same time, stay on good terms. 20 years ago, this kind of shit would involve phone calls and hour long talks leading to the eventual pull out cause it was simply too much work for a guy not looking to settle down. With texting, it has become easy. Say “hi” every now and then during the week and flirt then drop a line at 3 am on a weekend to see what’s really going on. You’re good. Sure, this obviously can backfire as any self respecting girl not in it just for sex will most likely sign off on the premature booty call. But , for the very single man, that’s really just a problem fixing itself. It’s like survival of the fittest but with sluts. And, please, don’t take that as a put down to girls who are down to get down. The world needs more people like you guys. It evens the playing field.

So, back to my friend. The guy she had been texting with was not responding and just acting weird in general. As a dude watching this, I have some idea of what’s going on. I don’t know this dude and I’ve never met him but I know how dudes act. All I could tell the girl was be careful and don’t get too wrapped up in it. But then it came to me…why not just lay all her cards on the table? When you’re a girl in a situation like this, you really have nothing to lose. It’s not like you can’t get laid elsewhere. You own a vagina. That should never be an issue. But if you actually do have feelings for the guy who’s being slightly distant or strange, you’ve really got nothing to lose in just stepping to him about it. Every girl has her boiling point with this kind of shit. I’ve been stepped to on more than one occasion by a frustrated hook up looking for more and , while it was uncomfortable, it does set the record straight. No ambiguous text talk. No confusion. Honestly, these talks have ended with me losing a booty call but it is kinda nice to part ways with someone amicably , regardless of how serious the relationships was. Not to mention, lots of times a girls issue with the dudes that she is fucking with is based on her headspace. The same girl who’s flipping on you right now might be a perfect hook up five months down the line. You never know.

But I digress. With this conversation , often comes a big risk. “Real talk”, as the kids call it, can go terribly wrong in this situation. By that, I mean there’s a good chance the dude will tell you what’s really up and you’ll get rejected. Certainly, most guys aren’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings . They’ll have some excuse to let you down easily, explaining why they could never REALLY date you. With guys, it’s always something. While this explanation will no doubt be thin and complete bullshit, take it for what it is. A rejection. Take that and get away. On to the next one , as the kids also say.

Basically what I’m talking about here is the premature ultimatum. The dreaded “What are we?” conversation that every single man does not want to have. As much as it’s “the end of fun” for most guys, I can’t front, it’s totally justifiable. Women get bad rap for being kinda crazy and irrational. While I don’t exactly disagree with that synopsis, we also gotta understand that it’s shit like this that makes them that way. Guys are relentless in their indifference towards most girls. Yes, relentless indifference. It’s fucking unbreakable. Indifference is girl Crack. Both in how they react to it and how much it fucks them up. The premature ultimatum put’s a mans indifference to the test. We hate that shit, but it’s necessary. If you’re stuck in booty call limbo and he’s giving you mixed signals, drop the hammer. Sorry guys, but it’s for the better. I know you’re cursing me for giving away this info but get over it , bro. If you’re the type of dude who can lock down one booty call, surely you can find another. Perhaps one that doesn’t secretly wanna date you and puts up with bullshit because of that.

I only wrote this cause I’m wifed up and I wanna see all you single cocksuckers suffer. Ha! Deal with it.

Btw, This is somewhat of a companion piece to this:
In fact, it pretty much makes the same point but, fuck it, I think they’re different enough. Sue me.

10 thoughts on “The Premature ultimatum

  1. My homeboy is a high school art teacher, and he says small town midwestern kids call things that are cool “beast” now.

    eg: “I want to get a tattoo, that would be so beast.” “It’ll be beast when I finally have sex.” “Check out my driver’s permit–isn’t that photo beast?”

  2. beast is nothing new… i have a friend who’s been saying that dumb shit since he moved to new york (from virginia) 5 yrs. ago….

    cupcaking on the other hand… newish and brilliant

  3. While I understand Blockhead’s need for artistic license, and realize that his memory of the real situation has faded, I do want to remind him of the real story some of this post is based on – especially since it’s in ironic juxtaposition to this post as a whole. The dude and I have mutual friends, he got my number and asked me out. We had sex a few times. We barely interacted before or after. The only texts I ever sent him were to, and I quote, “Say “hi” every now and then during the week and flirt then drop a line at 3 am on a weekend to see what’s really going on.” And I’d say there was maaaaybe 3 “during the week” texts, if that. But he seemed determined to make it weird. He’d wait a full 24 hours before responding to those texts, amongst other things. I don’t know if he’d read a fucked up version of “The Rules” or watched too much Pickup Artist, but he made it entirely too difficult to casually fuck him.

    Maybe he was deeply in love with me and didn’t like being used for sex, doubtful. Maybe he just wasn’t into it/me, entirely possible. But what his behavior led me to believe happened is he decided against all evidence to the contrary that I was deeply in love with him, or would inevitably become so if we carried on this way. Maybe he’d read a blog just like this! The only “real talk” text I considered sending in this scenario was one reading “calm down dude, I just wanna fuck”. But since (as this blog proves) no dude will ever truly believe a girl who says that, and the sex wasn’t that good anyway, I figured it wasn’t worth the time.

    On to the next one indeed…

    • Noted. My apologies for misconstruing the story. But I still contend you’re story, as a topic, was more just a springboard for the topic. All the other shit I wrote had nothing to do with you and more to do with shit I’ve seen and experienced personally.

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