Cake always wins


I was recently talking to a friend of mine about the insane amounts of Cupcake stores that have taken over New York City in the recent years. They are fucking everywhere. Now, I’m no enemy to the cupcake. They are pretty delicious in general. Sure, the world famous Magnolia bakery (the one the dried up husks from “Sex in the city” frequented) is completely overrated, but the majority of these places are , at worst, passably awesome.

So, my friend was telling me that all this will soon be changing as pie is gonna be the new thing. She’s certainly a person who follows these sorts of trends , so I don’t doubt her insider info. What I do doubt, however, is that pie could ever knock cupcakes off it’s mighty throne.

I could write a whole book about why any thing cake related is so much better than pie but Comedian Paul F. Tompkins has got it covered:

There is one thing he overlooked though (probably cause he wasn’t relating his entire act to cupcake shops Vs. pie shops). Chances are, if you’re going into a cupcake shop, the vibe will be similar to a lingerie store. Lots of girls and few random boyfriends standing around looking lost. BAsically, the entire cupcake movement has been supported by women.

“But why women?” you may ask. “Everyone loves cupcakes!”

This is true…but think about it. Part of the reason Cupcakes are so fucking popular right now if cause of how they look. By all accounts, cupcakes are an adorable food. Newsflash: Women love adorable shit.The reason a place like Magnolia Bakery is popular is not the actual food. No, it’s cause it’s cute. The decor, the little aprons all the workers wear and, of course, the extremely delicious LOOKING cupcakes.

Perfectly iced in all different colors. Often colors that you don’t typically see on iced desserts like magenta or mint green. Regardless of how completely average these cupcakes may taste, like Prince would say, They’ve got the look. The look that people line up around the block for. The look, so convincing, that people actually pretend to enjoy those colorful shit clumps as if they actually taste halfway decent and not like mediocre wedding cake with unsalted butter on top.

Women have played a huge part in making this cupcake explosion possible. Personally, I’d like to thank them as I’m not ashamed to admit I’ll eat the fuck out of a cupcake. But, like i said, I feel this whole cupcake obsession it largely due to how the cupcakes look. Two things most women are suckers for are small , neat things and an attention to detail. If a perfectly groomed toy dog that was able to arrange bonsai trees and could procreate existed, there would be no need for men. Luckily for us, that doesn’t exist and cupcakes have those two qualities in spades. Pie’s , on the other hand, come in sloppy ass slices. Sure, you can arranged some whipped cream on top and make it look all decadent , but it will never be as neat and perfect as your average cupcake. Also, Women love chocolate. Pie’s tend to be fruit based so that’s a wrap right there.
I was explaining my whole “this pie thing will never happen” angle to my girl and she bought up a good point. What if they make little tiny pies? Would that then even the playing field? Of course not. First off, Like Tompkins mentions above, Icing>>>>>>>>> pie fillings. Secondly, who the fuck makes tiny pies besides those off shoot bakery brands you see in shitty deli’s around the city. There’s a reason no one buy those things. If tiny pies were the answer, I think someone would have mastered that already. At the very least, Hostess, the gods of all mediocre and tasty baked goods, would have taken a stab at it. They couldn’t even keep those pudding pies on the shelves. No dice pie, you lose again.

So, I’m writing this as an advanced gloat to anyone who things pie shops will ever take over cupcake shops. It will not happen. I don’t doubt some pie shops will pop up. I also don’t doubt that they’ll close within months of being open. Pie just isn’t built for this. Sorry Pie, you will never be the “it” dessert. and you will certainly never ever be a cupcake. You fruit filled bitch.

Things that are wrong with the world part 18

How fucked up are cults? Even more fucked up is when they branch out into the arts. There’s something so frightening to me about watching a family of inbred hill people perform music. Whenever I see something like this, I always imagine them practicing. It’s not like they all just magically know this routine. They have to work on it, right? This means, they all had to gather in a barn like area and go through this song 100 times until it was ready for public consumption. In order for a song to be ready for public consumption, they all must have been very familiar with the songs lyrics and theme. This leads me to believe they were totally aware of the song being sung by a little girl (This is debatable) about peeing her bed, who happens to sound like Bobcat goldthwait saying “I ain’t gonna beat my kids tonight”. They must know it, right? Well, they might not be aware of who Bobcat Goldthwait is, so perhaps an actual bobcat would be a better comparison. I realize that it’s easier to gain perspective on things for looking in from the outside , especially things like cults. Lord knows cults have never been known for their self examination. But I do find it fascinating that this whole thing even came to exist in the first place. Or maybe this just a standard I’ve never heard. It’s like the “I love you Porgy” or “Summertime” of the Kelley Family compound. Whatever the case is , Lil’ she devil Elvis is on some next shit.

I think what I’m most curious about this video is how all these people are related. Obviously, you got the robed beardy guy at the top of the family tree. After that, it’s anyone’s guess. There are like 4 teenaged girls, a 12 ish year old boy , the singing she/male kid and about 3 men who’s age probably range from 18-30. Remember , this is the Kelley FAMILY. So, I’m assuming, they are all actually related (Though , in cults, the term “family” can be used pretty loosely). My guess is that the beardy robed guy the leader and is fucking all the girls over 13. whether or not they’re his sister/wives/daughters/nieces remains to be seen. Everyone else not in that category is his daughter/son.
Whatever the case, there were some fucked up things going on in the Kelley household. I’d do some research on this but I’m both lazy and don’t really care. So, instead, I’ll just assume (this wouldn’t be sweeping generalizations without completely unfounded assumptions) all the people in this video died shortly after it’s filming from a mass suicide/orgy that took place somewhere in a cave. I mean, how else could something like this possibly end?

Answers for questions Vol. 18


As always, keep these questions coming. EIther ask them in the comments below or email me them to: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com

If blogging/tweeting/shitting were a competition, individually or as some triathalon type shit, where do you think you’d rank?

I’ve gotten a lot of “shit” for the amount of bathroom related tweets I’ve done. I really don’t know what to say about it. No matter how old I get, bathroom tweets ate still funny to me. Go with what you know , right? I mean, if you think about it, tweets are usually born out of experience. If I tweet about something I saw on the street, it’s cause I just saw something on the street. Same can be said for taking a dump. You’d be amazed how many I don’t write simply cause I don’t want to overwhelm my followers with tweets about my shitting habits. Last night I was really close to tweeting “I just courtesy flushed for myself” but I opted against it.
But , to answer your question, I am certainly one of the leaders in toilet tweets , especially amongst musicians.

how does it feel as a musician and artist to be apart of the 900 bats community? Some of those new artists have to feel good getting the chance to tag along with the likes of you and jeremy fish.

It’s pretty cool. I mean, it’s not like we’re all behind the same computer working on stuff for the site , so I can’t say it feels like a close knit community but I respect all the artists on there and have been lucky enough to chill with most of them.

I’m really interested in a post by you about ‘reasoning with dumb violent people’.

I don’t know if there’s a whole post worth in here but I can give some pointers of how I go about it.
1) Make them think they’re not in the wrong
Because they’re dumb and reasoning is not an option, the idea is to appeal to their frightened side and make them think they have a point. Like, “Yes, I understand he stepped on your shoe. That certainly is a murder worthy offense. But you don’t wanna go to jail, right?”

2)Assure them that “everything is ok” and “it’s over”
I suppose this is kinda just some jedi mind trick but by telling them these things they might believe you. I most cases, they are a drunk person looking for a reason to fight someone. This also means their attention could be flipped on you at any second. Just play the calming role and hopefully it will soothe their savage brain.

3)Remove them from the area where the problem is occurring
Much like angry dogs, dumb violent people won’t rest until the thing they’ve set their sights on has been either removed from their line of vision or killed. So, either get that person out of there or get the dumb violent person out of there. Once the coast is clear, they will very likely calm down a bit. buying them a shot (or whatever) seems to go over well as that is like the dumb violent persons mating call as well.

4)If this violence is aimed at you, appeal to their ego
Nothing wrong with being a pussy if some lunatic wants to kick your ass for no reason. Take the L, emotionally. If he wants you to say you’re a pussy in front of his friends, say it. He’s a dickhead, and so are his friends. Losing their respect is far more worth it than getting your ass stomped by a bunch of drunk mongoloids.

Yo Block, you ever read the youtube comments to your own music? For most artists that shit must be the worst but yours are like the least offensive ones on the planet, it’s uncanny.

I actually have. I have been pretty lucky. Aside from the occasional “This izn’t MUzic!” posts, it’s mostly positive. I think this is due to a few reasons
1)I’m a little under the radar for people to hate on me for no reason
2)The kind of music I make isn’t “offensive” to most people. If you rap, it opens up all sorts of doors for people to hate you. Because a lot of my shit has no lyrics, it’s kinda safe from all this awful arguments that eventually end up with some guy calling all black people monkeys while another guy is hating over whether or not the song is “hip Hop” or “rap”. But, know this: If you are a white rappers on youtube, regardless of what you sound like, Eminem will be bought into the equation eventually.
3)I’ve noticed a lot of my fans work under that “Look at this super secret music I discovered!” mind set. So many of the posts are people shitting on mainstream music and holding me up in high regard like I’m bucking the system or something. Those are always pretty lame to me to but I suppose it’s better then being hated.

so what’s up now that myspace is dead? is there any alternative going on like bandcamp or soundcloud really killing it?
what’s the next level between music and internet? what do you think is gonna happen… also, it seems like everybody is
buying records (specially vinyl) but i didn’t see any of my friends buying a new album in 5 years, so probably we are just dreaming…

I’m pretty bummed about myspace’s passing cause it was awesome while it lasted. I haven’t signed up for either soundcloud or bandcamp but they seem to be pretty cool and a decent outlet to fill the void. But, the best thing about myspace was that it was a music site right in the middle of a social network. So, people were on their regardless. The traffic you could get was awesome. But, of course, spammers and mixtape rappers had to come along and ruin it for everyone. If they had only figured out a way to maintain all that shit, I bet it would still be popping off. Nowadays, Myspace is a graveyard of spambots spamming other spambots.
As for music and the internet, I think people will continue to illegally download music until there’s no more money to be made making music. Good job! I don’t blame people though. It’s hard to not easily download a free album when it’s right there in front of you.

Do you try and keep the stuff you have sampled to yourself and not reveal where the sample is from?

Most of the time, I don’t remember what I’ve sampled. It’s written down somewhere but I don’t know it off hand. I wouldn’t say I am a nazi about keeping my sources private but I do prefer to keep them out of public discourse cause the less chance I’ll get sued, the better.

What the heck is up with the Knicks?  Seems like they’re getting progressively worse since acquiring Melo.

I said it from the jump of this trade. Without any defense , they aren’t winning shit. That, coupled with the fact that no Dantoni team will ever win a championship pretty much says it all. They need a defensive center to come in and shut down the lane for them. They also need a PG who isn’t old as shit. I like BIllups but watching him get destroyed by the third tier PG’s in the league is just depressing.

And now some more quick fire types questions:

I’m thinking of hitting up Vegas soon, Have you ever been?  Any cool spots you’d recommend?

I haven’t been there in about 10 years. All I did was gamble and lose money.
I’m not into clubs or strip clubs either so Vegas is pretty much a wash for me. Good luck!

Do you watch the Show “Community?” If so, who’d you want to bang more, Brita or Annie?

I’ve seen it a few times. It’s one of those shows I wish I watched more but I keep missing. As for the girls, Annie but a landslide. titties>>>>>>

What are your thoughts on HD Projectors?

My thoughts are that’s some shit I don’t own and don’t need. I understand that HD is the shit. It’s cool watching sports on it but I don’t REALLY give a fuck about it. None of my tv’s are HD and it’s fine with me. The shows are still the same. For the type of shit I watch, HD isn’t very necessary.

If you woke up to a fire raging in your apt. and had to evacuate, what would you grab first?

My laptop. That’s it. Pretty much my entire livelihood is on there so , if I lose that, I’m fucked. Oh, and some clothes.

On a scale of 1-10 how appropriate is it for a dude to eat a banana in public?

Depends how he eats it. A real G, break the pieces off into bites and then puts it in his mouth. At the same time, if watching another man eat a banana actually bothers you, I’d say it speaks of greater issues. It’s just food, bro.

Song of the day 3/25/11

TVR
Love Dog By Tv on The Radio
http://limelinx.com/files/eb085655bd3b4dca840c5a316b017fc8
It’s rare that I do bump newer music, Especially, non-rap shit. But there are exceptions. Tv on The Radio is pretty fucking great and this song has been getting tons of run for me lately. As usual, I’m certainly behind and I realize this song is old by now but, fuck it, I like it.
And, you know what? If you’re one of those assholes who turns against every thing that gets mildly popular , regardless of if it’s good or not, you tend to miss out on some really great shit. Fickle hipsters should never dictate anyone’s taste.
Is there even a Tv on The Radio backlash? Who knows. If there isn’t, I’m pre-emptively saying “shut the fuck up” to whoever starts it.

Oh dip, a free beat by me!


I made this beat a while back and wanted to somehow work it into my new album…but , alas, shit happens and the floppy disks told me to fuck myself. So, instead, you get to go over to Aesop’s website and download the original version I recorded directly off my sampler. Enjoy!

http://900bats.com/2011/free-beat-from-blockhead-stop-cryin-yo/

The rules of Swag


Listen, I’m in no position to tell anyone anything about what’s cool nowadays. Especially younger people. I couldn’t be more far removed with most of what’s going on if I lived in a cottage deep in the Ozark mountains with my nine cats. But the “swag” thing…I get it. I have nothing against the word. It’s fine. Much like getting black out drunk or fucking 17 year olds, it’s a young mans game.
So, as a 34 year old, I just wanna throw in my two cents on who should never use the term “Swag”.


Nascar racers and fans


People wearing suits


My mom and anyone she’s ever met (FYI, this is not actually my mom or her friends, but close enough)


Old school hip hop heads trying to stay in the loop


Obese girls (Unless they’re describing food)


Gilbert gottfried (not that he would, but I can hear him saying it in my head, and I don’t like it)


Sportscasters (these motherfuckers have been the worst of all with that word)


Kurt Loder (not even in the ironic , dickheaded way he says everything else)


Commercials for beverages


People sitting at a nice restaurant , enjoying aged whiskey or expensive wine


Most Rappers over the age of 30 (I include myself in this category)


Tennis coaches


Cornell West


Anyone on Yo Gabba Gabba (unless , somehow Lil B or Odd Future get on there, then I suppose it’s ok)


The same elderly people in crappy movies who would have said “shizzle” for a cheap laugh about 2 years ago.


Hosts of TV shows like “Extra” and “TMZ”

I think you get the idea.
So, yeah, just follow these guidelines and we should be good. For all the old people, I suggest continue using words like “Dope”, “fresh” and “ill” to describe things. Those are our words anyway. These young’n’s can never take them away.