The rules of Swag



Listen, I’m in no position to tell anyone anything about what’s cool nowadays. Especially younger people. I couldn’t be more far removed with most of what’s going on if I lived in a cottage deep in the Ozark mountains with my nine cats. But the “swag” thing…I get it. I have nothing against the word. It’s fine. Much like getting black out drunk or fucking 17 year olds, it’s a young mans game.
So, as a 34 year old, I just wanna throw in my two cents on who should never use the term “Swag”.


Nascar racers and fans


People wearing suits


My mom and anyone she’s ever met (FYI, this is not actually my mom or her friends, but close enough)


Old school hip hop heads trying to stay in the loop


Obese girls (Unless they’re describing food)


Gilbert gottfried (not that he would, but I can hear him saying it in my head, and I don’t like it)


Sportscasters (these motherfuckers have been the worst of all with that word)


Kurt Loder (not even in the ironic , dickheaded way he says everything else)


Commercials for beverages


People sitting at a nice restaurant , enjoying aged whiskey or expensive wine


Most Rappers over the age of 30 (I include myself in this category)


Tennis coaches


Cornell West


Anyone on Yo Gabba Gabba (unless , somehow Lil B or Odd Future get on there, then I suppose it’s ok)


The same elderly people in crappy movies who would have said “shizzle” for a cheap laugh about 2 years ago.


Hosts of TV shows like “Extra” and “TMZ”

I think you get the idea.
So, yeah, just follow these guidelines and we should be good. For all the old people, I suggest continue using words like “Dope”, “fresh” and “ill” to describe things. Those are our words anyway. These young’n’s can never take them away.

7 thoughts on “The rules of Swag

  1. not related, but kind of…… apparently there’s a dance called “the jerk” and kids will go out and get in a circle and do said dance, blindly calling it a “circle jerk” and excitedly inviting their friends and strangers to join them in this dance’s name. wonder if you’ve heard of this/or know of it’s truth?
    if it’s true, that’s fucking hilariously ignorant of all those people,
    and if it’s true, that’s really fucking sad no one has clued them in to why everyone is laughing at them.

  2. I guess my age and lack of television viewing, or following anything trendy for that matter has me at a loss for a definition of the word. Where I’m from ( Southern Colorado) I’ve heard it used at a local radio station for free shit they give away to listeners or that Mexican dirt weed people smoke who can’t afford the good stuff. Other than that, completely clueless, which might not be a bad thing…

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