Cake always wins

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about the insane amounts of Cupcake stores that have taken over New York City in the recent years. They are fucking everywhere. Now, I’m no enemy to the cupcake. They are pretty delicious in general. Sure, the world famous Magnolia bakery (the one the dried up husks from “Sex in the city” frequented) is completely overrated, but the majority of these places are , at worst, passably awesome.

So, my friend was telling me that all this will soon be changing as pie is gonna be the new thing. She’s certainly a person who follows these sorts of trends , so I don’t doubt her insider info. What I do doubt, however, is that pie could ever knock cupcakes off it’s mighty throne.

I could write a whole book about why any thing cake related is so much better than pie but Comedian Paul F. Tompkins has got it covered:

There is one thing he overlooked though (probably cause he wasn’t relating his entire act to cupcake shops Vs. pie shops). Chances are, if you’re going into a cupcake shop, the vibe will be similar to a lingerie store. Lots of girls and few random boyfriends standing around looking lost. BAsically, the entire cupcake movement has been supported by women.

“But why women?” you may ask. “Everyone loves cupcakes!”

This is true…but think about it. Part of the reason Cupcakes are so fucking popular right now if cause of how they look. By all accounts, cupcakes are an adorable food. Newsflash: Women love adorable shit.The reason a place like Magnolia Bakery is popular is not the actual food. No, it’s cause it’s cute. The decor, the little aprons all the workers wear and, of course, the extremely delicious LOOKING cupcakes.

Perfectly iced in all different colors. Often colors that you don’t typically see on iced desserts like magenta or mint green. Regardless of how completely average these cupcakes may taste, like Prince would say, They’ve got the look. The look that people line up around the block for. The look, so convincing, that people actually pretend to enjoy those colorful shit clumps as if they actually taste halfway decent and not like mediocre wedding cake with unsalted butter on top.

Women have played a huge part in making this cupcake explosion possible. Personally, I’d like to thank them as I’m not ashamed to admit I’ll eat the fuck out of a cupcake. But, like i said, I feel this whole cupcake obsession it largely due to how the cupcakes look. Two things most women are suckers for are small , neat things and an attention to detail. If a perfectly groomed toy dog that was able to arrange bonsai trees and could procreate existed, there would be no need for men. Luckily for us, that doesn’t exist and cupcakes have those two qualities in spades. Pie’s , on the other hand, come in sloppy ass slices. Sure, you can arranged some whipped cream on top and make it look all decadent , but it will never be as neat and perfect as your average cupcake. Also, Women love chocolate. Pie’s tend to be fruit based so that’s a wrap right there.
I was explaining my whole “this pie thing will never happen” angle to my girl and she bought up a good point. What if they make little tiny pies? Would that then even the playing field? Of course not. First off, Like Tompkins mentions above, Icing>>>>>>>>> pie fillings. Secondly, who the fuck makes tiny pies besides those off shoot bakery brands you see in shitty deli’s around the city. There’s a reason no one buy those things. If tiny pies were the answer, I think someone would have mastered that already. At the very least, Hostess, the gods of all mediocre and tasty baked goods, would have taken a stab at it. They couldn’t even keep those pudding pies on the shelves. No dice pie, you lose again.

So, I’m writing this as an advanced gloat to anyone who things pie shops will ever take over cupcake shops. It will not happen. I don’t doubt some pie shops will pop up. I also don’t doubt that they’ll close within months of being open. Pie just isn’t built for this. Sorry Pie, you will never be the “it” dessert. and you will certainly never ever be a cupcake. You fruit filled bitch.

23 thoughts on “Cake always wins

  1. True that. Pies gotta be home-made to be any good. You don’t go to a shop for that shit. You sit through hours of mind-numbing family conversation at holiday season.

  2. Cupcakes with fruit filling… Someone needs to make it happen if it hasn’t already. And I’m not talking apples or pears, I’m talking some maraschino cherries in some syrupy delight type shit. Or strawberries.

  3. The big problem with pie is that it requires silverware and that will lead to the ultimate demise of the pie shop. You wont see women walking down the street holding a fork and plate. Game, set, match, cupcake.

  4. thats it mutherfukerr
    i wasnt gonaa say shit but you asked for it
    pies is the muther fukken shizznit and theres no doubt about that
    its cool to pick a side but you just took a stab at us!!!
    first things first is to smoke a joint and put icing on that fucken pie!

  5. my family down south makes maaad pies. i’m talking the ladies have this unspoken competition with each other every holiday… i often hear things like, “sissy’s buttermilk pie wasn’t as good as it was last year… bla bla, you get the point… but i was thinking about it and almost none of their pies are fruit filled. The closest thing to a fruit filling is maybe the pecan pie…. And chocolate is definately represented. Anyway, i agree a standalone pie shop would never pop off in the city, on a slice basis… Maybe a dope southern spot could get known for their pies, i dunno. I do know I would eat that shit before the best cupcake any day, no matter how cute. So, fuck cupcakes and the shops that sell them. HA

    • Word. Fruit fillings disgust me, so that’s a big part of my bias against pie’s. But Icing tops all, in my opinion, and until pie’s get icing involved (not chocolate fillings or cream or pecans or any of that shit) , they lose.

  6. Do boutique cupcake eaters look down on hostess cupcake eaters?

    I imagine it’s like asian and/or canadian streetwear fans vs hood folks.


  7. There’s no need to frost a pie when you have ice cream.

    As a baker, cupcakes are easier to make, which sort of makes pies all the more coveted. I’ve made the mini-pies, but they are a bit of fuss, since I make everything from scratch (I don’t fuck around with canned filling or readymade crust).

    I love baked goods: pies, cupcakes, brownies, cookies, crumble, cakes, muffins, whoopie pies, etc. There’s a reason why I can make pie from scratch and whip up cakes like it ain’t no one’s business, but only have the most basic cooking skills. I’m no stranger to having baked goods for dinner because I’d rather make a rum cake than a real meal.

    What my beef is with these people and their boutique cupcake stores are the cupcake places that have a disproportionate amount of frosting to the cake. Too much frosting is sickening, especially when the cake part is dry or tastes like styrofoam. I get irate at food that looks good but tastes terrible.

  8. Pingback: Cake always wins « Phat Friend | PolymerClayLand

  9. I agree with Doreen about the frosting. Shit’s disgusting. Pie gets my vote as long as it’s not cherry.

    Fuck a cupcake. SHOE FLY PIE BITCHES!

  10. Cupcakes win always, but there’s something about cuteness that makes me want to throw them at girls who I know would say “awwww”

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