This week Alaska and I discuss Portman eating pickles cause she’s preggo and, of course, that stupid fucking royal wedding.
Okay, So, I watched that show “The Voice” the other day. Before you judge me, you must simply accept that I watch tons of TV and that, more often than not, it’s gonna be some crap. I like to think of it as my own little sociological experiment. It helps me better understand the world I live in. It also opens doors for something I like to call “Making fun of people”.
Enter “The voice”.
So, basically, this show is where Wannabe singers bust out tunes for Cee-lo, Christina Aquilera, the Maroon 5 douche and some country singer I’ve never heard of. The catch is, the judges have their backs turned to the singers. This means, they have to judge their performances solely on the voice (Thus the awesome name of this show). If the judge likes what they hear, they press a button and their seat swivels around to see who is singing. There’s more to it but I feel like that’s all you need to know. Suffice to say, this show leaves a lot of room for surprise cause, you know, some deformed mongoloid could have a beautiful voice.
Annnnyway, of all the contestants , this little number Beverly Mcclellan stuck out to me. Not cause she was good. Cause, while she was certainly talented, she was more just loud and aggressive . No, she stuck out cause of of how many jokes popped in my head while watching her.
Now before you turn this into a lesbian witch hunt, chill the fuck out. I love lesbians. Not in a “it’s cool when they make out” way but in a legit “I have no issue with their lifestyle and they’ve always been pretty fucking cool when I’ve hung out with them” kinda way. In fact, I bet Beverly is cool as shit. This is all in good fun and I’m more making fun of her looks than anything. If you can’t find humor in a 40 plus year old extreme whigger , bull dyke lesbian dressed like Run DMC in the video from “Down with the king” singing Janis Joplin , you’re simply a boring person. So, with that, Let’s go!
They finally discovered the missing white member of Onyx
I think when one turns 40, it may be time to remove the facial piercings (but hold onto that
fishermans jacket forever)
It’s cool to see Jim Norton finally let people see his real talent
I would love to smoke a blunt with this 40 plus year old floridian whig-ette. I Bet she’s got great stories about double teaming girls with 2 Live Crew bouncers.
She’s perfect for the porn parody “American history XXX”
As a bonus, how bout your men Jeff Jenkins
Ol’ young Michael Moore ass dude
He looks like more a lesbian than the last singer
Glad to see Roger Ebert is all better and doing his thing
(Sorry bout that one, it’s terrible in both taste and humor value)
Okay, those are mine (Definitely not claiming to hit gold on any of those but I just wanted to get the ball rolling). So, please, add on. The best one wins a special prize…I dunno what it is but I’ll figure some shit out. The worst one gets called out and alerted of how bad a joke they just made (though, I’ll be in the running for that one, so don’t worry).
Being haved By Homeboy Sandman
Sometimes my epic indifference towards new music comes back to bite me. This is one of those times.
I’ve been hearing about Homeboy Sandman for years but never checked him out till recently. I’m glad I did. His album “The good sun” is fuckin’ awesome and he’s a dude who successfully doing something different. A rare feat in this day and age.
It’s been a while since I posted a mix up here. I was perusing through my files and found an old one I made of Story Rhymes. Now, I kinda feel like I’ve posted this before. If not here than maybe on the TROY blog when they first started. Regardless, that was a long tome ago and these songs are all still good, so fuck it. These songs range from playful, to funny , to straight up depressing. Just how you like it.
Here’s a compilation of some of my all-time favorite under appreciated story rhymes.
1)Dirty cop named Harry: Hard Knocks
2)Everything’s cool: Rakim
3)24 Deep: Threat
4)Autobiographical: Black Sheep
5)Fat cats, bigga fish: The Coup
6)Approachin’ a threat: KMC
7)I’mma kill u: Juggaknots
8)Sat. nite-Sun. morn: Money boss Players
9)Once upon a time: King Sun
10)Story of my life: Jemini the gifted one
11)Train RobberyL Kool G Rap. & DJ Polo
12)Nobody move: Eazy-E
13)Girl at the mall: Grand Daddy IU
14)Once upon a time in the projects: Ice Cube
This week has some good ones. PArticularly the last one , which really takes the cake , as far as inventive questions go.
As usual, send me more question at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in the comments.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m running low on questions after this entry so feel free to flood my inbox.
Anyway, on with the show…
1. Who’s the most famous person you’ve met?
I’ve met my fair share of kinda famous people but I’ve never chilled hard with anyone of great fame. So , instead of answering that question, I’ll just list famous people i have played basketball with (in random pick up games). This doesn’t mean I know these people at all, but I’ve been on the same court as them, in the same game.
4)Josh Saviano (“Paul” from the wonder years)
8)Frank Whaley (The guy who gets shot in “Pulp Fiction” after Sam Jackson gives his famous biblical speech)
10)Brandon Sexton III
2. What’s the most nastiest/disgusting/freakiest shit you’ve ever done with a girl?
I’m not a particularly gross guy when it comes to sex. I’m pretty straight forward and have never really gotten into anything too kinky. So, the most disgusting thing I can think of would be the time I let out a huge fart right when I was coming. Nothing takes away the heat of that moment like worrying you might crap your pants.
3. What is your take on paying for the dinner bill and whether the girl should pay, if ever?
I believe in equal rights. So, hell yeah and girl should play sometimes. We don’t live in the 1950’s anymore and most girls I know have better jobs and more money than the dudes I know. I know it’s engrained in us for the male to take the woman out (and there’s nothing wrong with a dude paying for meals) but for it to be assumed is kind of annoying. That’s basically like the girl saying “You should be so happy to be in my company, that you pay for everything”. So, I don’t think there should be an unspoken rule about it. On a side note, I think dudes who buy girls (they don’t know) drinks at bars are suckers.
With that said, buying a girl a meal is a nice thing to do and it does reflect nicely on you. If you can afford it, then you should do it. But broke dudes shouldn’t be strong armed into spending their last 50 dollars on a lobster some entitled bitch isn’t even gonna eat.
When it comes down to it, I think going dutch should be the norm.
Whats your stance on cursing? Doesn’t it feel like the older you get the less appealing it is to even curse? especially around others you don’t really know all that well? when i see someone especially a girl that just says fuck every 3 seconds it just seems trashy to me now as opposed to when I was a kid back in high school.
I love cursing. It’s great. I certainly have hit no such wall where it’s lost it’s power. Granted, if I’m around strangers (particularly older people) I’m not gonna be saying “motherfucker” and “cock” too much. But , if I’m amongst peers, I’ll say it whenever I feel like it. Curses are great filler words. They’re also great for getting a point across. They’re also often funny (in the right context). I would never deprive myself of such joy.
Hey Uncle Tony
I see you mentioned Odd Future but I’d really like to hear more about what you think of them as a whole and specifically Tyler the Creator. Are they overrated? The shit? Shit-shit? or the next big thing?
Well, I’ve covered them pretty extensively on this blog so I’m obviously a fan.
Here’s how I see it.
Earl is the best. Great rapper. Perhaps the most talented 16 year old I’ve ever heard.
Tyler is a good rapper and good producer. He’s really good at making songs and obviously has a vision for what he’s doing. He’s the brain behind all this shit so you gotta give him credit for that. Granted, his online persona is pretty fucking annoying but I get the feeling he’s just a dude that always fucking around and he’s also well aware of everything he’s doing.
After that, there’s a bunch of OK underground rappers that no one would really care about if Earl and Tyler didn’t exist. Not that they’re bad , they just don’t set themselves apart like the other two.
Domo Genesis has potential though and I’m curious to hear what his new shit sounds like.
Hodgy beats reminds me of one of the background guy in OGC (Originoo gun Clappaz). I think he’ll mature into a decent mc but he’s definitely not a natural.
As far as them being over rated, that’s based entirely on how big they’ve gotten. They’ve done nothing ,musically , that would hint to them falling off. They just have way more fans now so some of the original fans are being bitches about it. It happens. EIther that or they’re being written off by short sighted critics who can’t get past them using the word “Faggot” and talking about “Rape” , as if they’re the first rappers to ever do that and it’s all they ever do. Where those critics are concerned, it’s obvious this music isn’t for them in the first place so I don’t even understand why they’re covering it. Stick to reviewing “Adele” albums and leave the rap talk to rap fans.
Have you ever been arrested? Do you think being arrested once is a rite of passage to become a man?
Nope. I’ve gotten tickets for public drinking and pissing in public but I’ve never been arrested.
I definitely don’t think being arrested is a rite of passage. Perhaps for a stupid motherfucker it is, but I don’t buy into that shit. I’ve had common sense and I’ve know the difference between right and wrong since I was a kid. It’s not rocket science. Sure, people get arrested for all sorts of dumb shit. I’ve had friends spend the night in jail for putting up a sticker on a mailbox. But outside of those bullshit infractions , getting arrested just means you fucked up.
I especially like when dudes are only going to get a ticket but end up mouthing off to the cops and turn the whole thing into a fiasco. Well played, shit head.
Here is a question for your next batch of questions.
Suppose a University offers you 100,000$ to do take part in a research experiment. They clone you, then speed up the aging process until he is your age. It is required that you live together for a period of time, and you find that you get along really well together, and he becomes one of your closest friends.
However, he has been given genetic enhancements that make him slightly stronger, more intelligent, better looking, and better endowed. You notice little subtle clues that your girlfriend has taken a liking to him, despite herself. After lets say 6 months or so, you come home from wherever it is that you usually come home from to find your clone in bed with her, in the height of passionate sex.
They see you and both break down with apologies, imploring your forgiveness.
What do you do? Go apeshit? Say fuck the both of you and take off? Suppose there is still a week left of the experiment and if you want the money you have to ride it out.
This is a general scenario, i’m not saying your gf would do such a thing, but speaking in generalities or whathaveyou.
First off, of course I’d like that dude but I’d get tired of him finishing my jokes (better than I could cause he’s a little smarter than I am).
As for the situation, that’s pretty rough. I mean, can I really blame my girl for fucking the me 2.0? Seeing there was a week left, I’d probably deal with it. I’m sure this would end up spiraling out of control and my girl and I would break up but I’d give it a chance due to the unusual nature of what happened. I’d definitely institute a “get out of jail free” clause for myself though which would also not help the impending spiral.
Also, after the time is up, is me 2.0 destroyed or just set free to roam the earth? That would be fucked up. I might have to kill him or something. Then again , he’s me 2.0. He could definitely take me in a fight and , because he’s smarter than me, he’d probably seeing it coming.
So, the answer is I’d probably just end up getting killed by me 2.0 in self defense against myself.
This week, Alaska and I discuss Rebecca Black getting death threats and Lindsey Lohan. SHe’s like her own personal death threat to herself.
So, I still use a Yahoo email account. Sure, I’ve got others but it has been my main one since the early 2000’s and I’ve been strangely loyal to it for some reason (or I’m just too lazy to switch over fully cause I don’t save contacts). Anyway, Because of this, I’m privy to the Yahoo.com front page. Anytime I turn on the internet on my laptop, it’s my start up page. This opens the door to all sorts of incredibly lame articles ranging from videos of backyard basketball to opinion pieces written by dry wall experts on why Obama-care won’t work. The other day I came across a real good one. It was right out of the pages of Cosmopolitan.
“What she REALLY means…”
The whole article was written for men (even though no man in their right mind would actually read this kind of bullshit) and tells us how to decipher woman speak. Like if she says “No, it’s cool, you can go out with your friends tonight” it really means “Don’t leave me. I’m feeling vulnerable and need you around tonight”. You know, crap like that. Granted, all this type of stuff is completely situational and there is rarely a clear meaning behind any of the crazy shit women say. This got me thinking about decoding the male mind for women. Lord knows you bitches need it. The amount of times I’ve been talking to a female friend and she’s telling me about something a guy said or did that she didn’t understand, is staggering. The funny part is, men are far more simple beings than women. Sure, we say things to soften the blows or things that are attempts to re-direct women, but it’s never an emotion based thing. So, here is my version of that shitty article for girls. Maybe I can be of some assistance to you. Granted, I realize this idea isn’t exactly breaking new ground but this kinda shit is always fun (I can see why yahoo did it , in the first place).
When he says:
What he means
Listen, I’d love to have sex with you but on my terms with no strings attached whatsoever. I’d give you my number and say “call me” but that means you might actually call me and want to talk and attempt to build a relationship. That is something I have no interest in. But, if you’re a woman of similar needs as me, by all means, drop me a text next time you’re drunk on a weekend and hopefully, we’ll be able to meet up for some discrete fucking.
When he says
“It’s not you, it’s me”
What he means:
It is you. You’re the worst. But there is no nice way to put this cause you being worst is deeply engrained in you. It’s like telling someone who’s neurotic to stop being neurotic. It’s just how they are. So, instead of saying “Listen, I think you’re shallow, selfish, un-funny and lame in bed” we say this.
It can also mean
“I’m bored of this whole thing”
When he says
“I love you but…”
What he means:
I do not and have never actually been in love with you. Not even close. You may have strong armed him into saying that horrible phrase (which I think is a weak move on the part of men) but don’t get it twisted. There is no love right there.
When he says
“We should have an open relationship/threesome”
What he means is:
Duh. I wanna fuck other people. I’d like to keep you around but not so much that I’m willing to give up the prospect of other pussy.
Open relationships are an idea that I think every guy loves, on paper. I mean, in our minds it would be an amazing freedom. In reality though, I think we forget that girls can get laid waaaaaaaay easier than we can. They just have to show up. The thought of your girl getting pounded away on by some other dude is disgusting. I think we forget that. But, yeah, if a guy offers up this idea, just accept that your relationship will be completely over in the very near future.
Threesomes are the slicker move cause he’s trying to include you. What a good dude! However, if you were to say “Okay, get one of your friends and you two can do it to me” his tune would change. And, if it didn’t, you’re dating the wrong guy anyway. Any guy willing to double team his serious girlfriend with one of his boys is a piece of shit.
When he does this:
All his partying/socializing does not include you
What it means:
For one, you’re a bummer to have around in social situations. Some girlfriends are fun to take out with you, others suck. Nothing pisses a guy off more then when his girlfriend comes out, mopes all night cause she’s not getting enough attention and then makes him go home early so they can argue. So, on one hand there is that.
On the other, your social prowess has no bearing on his partying. He simply just doesn’t want you there. Why? Well, this could be for a few reasons.
1)He wants to flirt innocently with other girls and not have to worry about being hawked all night
2)He wants to hook up with other girls and having his girlfriend around would be a serious cock-block
3) He legitimately wants to just chill with his friends without having to feel responsible for you. This kinda thing does happen but it shouldn’t be an “all the time” type thing. It’s on some “guys night out” shit.
When he says
“I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now”
What he means:
This one is actually tricky.
Speaking from experience, there was definitely a large period of time where I said this to girls and meant it Sure, these were girls I wouldn’t have wanted a serious relationship with for whatever reason regardless, but the fact remained that I wasn’t in that zone at that time. I’d say that this phrase is earnest about 30% of the time.
The other 70% of the time it simply means “There is no way I’d date you seriously. I like fucking you but that’s about it.”
If the dude that said it to you just got out of a relationship, believe him. IF he’s been single for years and seems like he fucks 3 different girls a week, that’s a different story.
It can also mean: I’m still not over this other girl that you don’t know.
When he says
“So who was your friend that came out the other night?”
What he means:
That girl was hot and I want to have sex with her. I probably won’t act on it but bring her around some more and watch my drunk ass flirt with her. I won’t try to fuck her but best believe I’ll be jerking off to her furiously.
The funny thing to me about this is that girls tend to get jealous over the wrong girls. I’ve seen girls get mad at their boyfriends for talking to a friend of theirs too much who I know the guy has no designs for. In many cases, it’s a girl that’s not around often , so you wouldn’t even think about. It definitely not gonna be your best friend cause, no matter how hot she is, the dude gets to know her. Depending on the girl, this could go either way but I’d say most of the time the extra time spent getting to know a girlfriends really close friends cuts down the attractiveness of them considerably. That’s why some many dudes keep friendships with their ex’s friends. It’s one of those rare occasions where men and women can be friends with no sexual tension.
When he says
“Whatever you think is fine”
What he means:
Shut the fuck up. Please, just shut the fuck up. I don’t care about whatever this topic is nearly enough to waste breath arguing about it. I’d much rather just let you have your way. You don’t like eating chinese food? Fine, we’ll go to that micro-biotic bug cuisine place you love so much. Whatever makes this conversation stop.
Okay, so here’s where I’d like all the girl readers to assist me in assisting you.
If you have any issues with things guys have said to you and want to know what they actually meant, ask away. I will give you the honest answer (the best I can).
Ask them in the comments or email them to me at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Depending on the response, I’ll either just answer them in this comments section or do a separate post about. The doctor is in, ho’s.