This week, Alaska and I cover the return of Elisha Cuthbert (and her tits) to TV and Tom Brady crying like the little bitch that he is.
J-zone recently Tweeted about this video he found of Wu-tang Circa 91 on some bronx public access show. Watching that clip bought back a lot of memories of my teenaged years where I spent a great deal of time watching NYC public access (As well as being on it). This got me looking through Youtube in search of some clips from the shows I used to watch.
There was “Wild Style” hosted by porn star Heather Hunter , where she would interview rappers , assisted by her scantily clad homegirls. Basically, she would talk a little about music with them but more just flirt with them on camera till it got uncomfortable. In some cases, she basically was trying to fuck them (Her interview with Mic Geronimo was a great example of this) , in others, they were trying to fuck her (Everlast was relentless in his pursuit, seemingly on the verge of a rape charge). Oh, and girls would strip between interviews and her showing the unedited version of Tupac’s “How do you want it” video. Needless to say the show was amazing.
Another great hip hop related show was Indie-cent Exposure. This was hosted by a Rick Rubin look a like in his mid to late 40’s named “Johnny B-high”. Like his name might lead you assume, he smoked a shit load of weed. Mostly on camera. In fact, there would be 2 minute periods of this show where you would just watch him slowly smoke a joint while listening to music. B-high was obsessed with the Boot Camp Clique. They would frequently be on his show, smoking his weed and clowning him while he would verbally suck their dicks. Sure, other rappers made appearances on the show, but his boner for all things Boot camp related was really special. Aside from that, he would show videos and often had some exclusive shit so that kept it interesting as well.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a single shred of video evidence that those shows ever actually existed on the internet. I was shocked no one had uploaded any Wild Style eps in particular…However, what I did find was a show I had totally forgotten. Star and Buc Wilds “International Player haters” show. These two would do the show live and simply take calls from people. The whole focus of the show was hating…on everything. And Star certainly is gifted in that respect. What always impressed me about the show is that , around that same time, they were on the radio and even had a short lived MTV show. Yet, they continued to do this show weekly on public access (which doesn’t pay and was a bit of a shit show) , just blatantly shitting on anyone and everyone. Gotta respect that.
So, here are a bunch of short clips of that show. Good times.
There’s more on youtube if you wanna see them.
One of the biggest mysteries of internet rap in recent time has been “Where is Earl Sweatshirt?”. After a year of speculation and guessing games, complex magazine did some great investigative work and found him.
Granted, this doesn’t give answers to when he’ll be making music again but it does shed a little light on the mystery. Props to Complex magazine for this one.
A tribute to the old school By Digital Underground
People often assume the “yes yes yall, and you don’t stop” in the song “Daylight” is from some random Beastie Boys song. while I see how one could make that mistake (After all, that phrase is in about 55% of all Beastie boys songs), the truth is it came from this song.
This joint was off of Digital undergrounds debut album “Sex packets” but, as far as I know, was only available on the Cassette version (it may have been on the vinyl but I’ve never seen it). This was always one of my favorite songs on that album and I feel like most people don’t even know it exists. That especially crazy when you consider how huge an album that was. Shock G kills this shit too. So, yeah, here it is.
I tweeted about this a week or so ago but it’s one of those things that just won’t go away. No, Sun Drop soda, is not the issue. I not even fully convinced it exists. But this fucking commercial , for some reason, makes my head explode every time I see it.
It all comes down to how things are made. The process that it took this commercial from being an idea to an actual visual you see on TV is a long and painful one. I think that’s what gets me. How something this completely fucking dumb that misses the target by so many miles, can still make it out the matrix.
Let me put it like this. I’ve had music put in commercials before. More than that, I’ve had music ALMOST put in commercials. 99 times out of 100 these kind of things fall through because in order for a song to be decided on, it has to go through so many layers of opinions and ideas, it’s nearly impossible for it to make it onto the final product. It usually works two ways
1)They pick a song, edit with it and then show it to the ad people (or whoever) and those people want to change it. This goes back a forth a million times and can all depend on one dumb motherfucker who doesn’t like how the hi hat sounds so they scrap the music entirely. Eventually, they all agree of whatever the most popular commercial song is at the moment (think “Holiday , oh, holiday” or “How ya like me knowwwww!” type songs).
2) The second thing that can happen begins in the editing room, where whoever may be editing puts whatever random song he likes into the commercial just as a template. Then, when it’s played for the ad execs, they fall in love with that song and would kill their newborn child to keep it in the commercial. It fits so well to them cause that’s how it was presented to them. The irony to this is that , in most cases, you could put almost any song to any commercial and it will work decently on some level. That’s the beauty of music. It can manipulate how we see things. Anyone who’s listened to music , while watching the animal channel on mute can attest to that (and being high as fuck).
I had a song in a Microsoft Bing ad a few months back. It went back and forth over whether or not they were gonna use it due to time constraints and sample issues. Eventually we worked it out cause they had their mind set on the song the way they had originally edited it. I had sent them slight re-workings of it, re-tweakings, everything. Even how the song for the commercial was sequenced was a huge deal. These dudes were anal on a level you don’t often see. When I finally saw the commercial, I was amazed. Not only was the music super quiet in the background, but it was a complete after thought. It could have been anything. It could have been the sounds of a bee hive or a pan flute solo. Listen, I’m not complaining as that commercial is definitely helping me eat for the foreseeable future but the point is, the process is kinda bullshit and wildly unnecessary.
I say all that to point this out: Somehow, that terribly unfunny, weird looking girl slipped through all these cracks to the point where this commercial got put on TV as it is. I get the idea of it. Her awkwardness was key to the roll. Fine. I can accept that. But she’s simply just so unlikable I can’t imagine anyone would want her to help sell anything. The thing is, the casting process to a commercial is much like the process of picking the music , but a million times more scrutinized. That means, this girl got through audition after audition, doing that stupid fucking dance and making that stupid fucking face. She may have even cultivated that weird hipster meets camp counselor outfit. Each time, ad execs were telling her how great she was, then actually discussing how great they really did think she was amongst each other when she left. There were other girls who did similar dances that almost made it…but no, this girl was THE ONE! See, that shit blows my mind. If I were to try and imagine what the girls who DIDN’T get this role were like, I might have a stroke.
Of course, this is just me. If you read the youtube comments for the above video, they speak a different story. That, in itself, is another thing wrong with the world. The fact that people can watch this and like it SO much they feel a need to comment on it. Who does that? The must have no got the memo that the internet isn’t here for that. Go hard (at shitting on something) or go home.
Also, i bet that soda tastes like piss…judging from the ad, of course.
Alrighty, still going. If you got more questions, send them to my email: firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in the comments. If you’ve sent something recently and don’t see your question here this week, be patient. I’m doing it all in order.
Okay, back to the questions:
If money and other practicalities were no issue, which rappers would you pick for an all star album you’d produce?
This is a turn on a pretty well covered question but I’ll go with it. If I could work with anyone , it would involve a time machine. I would go back to 90 and work with Kool G Rap. I would go back to 91 and work with Grand Puba, I would go back to 92 and work with Willie D. I’d even go back to 88 and work with LL cool J cause it would be pretty amazing to have him rip some of those verses from “walking with a panther” over my beats. It would also be cool to go back in time and record a whole album with the D.O.C. before he got in that car accident.
If time machines are out of the question, then I’d currently like to work with Jay Electronica, Earl, Daddy Brown, Shabazz Palaces , Doom and Ghostface.
Do you ever illegally download/pirate music?
I don’t know if I should admit that in a public forum. I’ll just say that I tend to like to taste things , ESPECIALLY by new artists, before buying the whole thing. I do buy albums though. Just rarely. But that has more to do with indifference and boredom towards most new music than how much I illegally download.
Boobs or ass?
Very good question. Sad to say, I don’t have a clear answer. I like them both so much. As long as one is there, I’m good. There’s nothing more disappointing that a flat chested, flat assed girl.
Halle Berry, Jennifer Anniston, Angelina Jolie. Fuck one, marry one, and kill one. Go!
I’d Fuck Jolie.
and Kill Aniston
This was actually harder than I thought cause there are so many factors. First off, they’re all actresses , which means they’re terrible people. Ideally, I’d like to fuck them all and not kill or marry them. While Berry seems like the obvious marriage choice, you gotta keep in mind that she’s constantly getting dumped by dudes so that makes me think she might actually be pretty awful in terms of relationships.
Jolie, on the other hand, is always in a long relationship but she’s also really fucking annoying with her adopting kids (no way I’d do that) and see seems like one of those moms who only feeds her kids gluten free carob, so fuck her. She’s still hot , I guess but she’s definitely reaching that point where the weirdness that made her so beautiful is about to turn on her. That said, she’s definitely the biggest freak of the three and would probably knows some crazy vagina tricks. So she get’s my “fuck” vote.
I was gonna pick Aniston as my “Merry” but I couldn’t do it. She obviously the least attractive of the three and , in real life, no one wants to marry her. To be honest, from interviews and stuff, she seems like she’s by far the coolest of the three but I gotta think there is something terribly wrong with her.
If you had to, do you think you could kill a man?
I don’t know. It depends how dire the situation. If it meant to save my life or the life of someone I loved, then I guess so. I could also see myself being such an indifferent dipshit about that I’d be like “Well, fuck it, I guess this guy is gonna kill me…oh well…I had a good run”. It all depends on why.
Would you be excited if you found out that Nardwuar the Human Serviette would want to interview you? His interviews are some of the most entertaining i have ever seen and his research game is unmatched. The gawd Nardwuar
Fuck yeah. I even tweeted about that after watching a bunch of his recent SXSW interviews. It would be an honor. Unfortunately, I don’t think I make the cut, fame-wise.
* what kind of music does your girlfriend listen to?
All types of shit. She’s got good taste for sure , even though shesometimes treads dangerously into pop music “girl” taste (she owns Danity kane albums and enjoys the work of Lady GaGa) , but that’s to be expected. When we first started dating she gave me some great music I still listen to this day. She’s definitely more of an indie music fan with leanings towards rock. She’s not a huge rap head but I prefer it that way. Dating a rap nerd girl is the worst.
* do you play any instruments? if not, what’s an instrument that you wish you knew how to play?
Nope. I can figure stuff out on the piano but, other than that, I’m completely talentless. If I could, I’d like to be able to play guitars/bass, simply cause it would benefit my music the most.
* if you had to sing karaoke, what song would you choose?
What’s this “If?” shit? I have sung karaoke. Here’s a little known fact about me: I have a passable singing voice. Meaning, I can sing well enough to do impressions and hold notes but not well enough to ever record myself for public consumption (Not counting the Party Fun Action Committee). Because of this “passable” voice, I’ve always avoided doing Karaoke cause my voice was neither good enough nor bad enough for it to be funny. However, late last year, I finally gave in and got up for my friends birthday at some chinatown dive. I sang “Wanted, dead or alive” by Bon Jovi. I killed that shit.
Are you a fan of the movie 12 Monkeys? It is one of my personal fav’s. The song “Dinner with Blockhead” and your album art both put me in that state of mind. If not,what movie most inspires you?
I haven’t seen it in years. I saw it when it was in the theater and recall thinking I liked it but was ultimately confused by it. It’s been on cable a bunch since but I’ve never felt like revisiting it. Perhaps I should. As for movies that inspire me…I don’t know. I don’t really draw inspiration from film like that. I just watch them and take them for what they are. I will say, much to the chagrin of my girl, I’ve been watching “Macgruber” every time it’s on tv lately. It’s fucking hilarious.
How do you cook your own tomato sauce ? Also, you could call your girl ‘bra’.
I don’t cook my own tomato sauce. I don’t cook shit. I order out or my girl cooks. Pretty charmed life, huh?
Pieces of a man By Gil Scott Heron
This is a awesomely depressing song by Gil Scott Heron. I’ve always been a big fan but that’s not why I chose it for today’s “Song of the day”. I picked it because there is a funny story behind it that I’m hoping i can convey is a proper way.
Okay, so , when I was growing up, there was this gay bar near my crib called “Pieces”. Because of it’s close proximity to my house, I’d always walk by it and see crazy shit. This was nothing new for the west village but because of it’s consistent lunacy, it became a joke between friends and I. Keep in mind, I was like 15 at this time so please save the “What so funny about a gay bar?!?!!?” comments. Hate to break it to you, but that shit was funny to me back then. Hey, better that than angering, right?
Annnyway, this friend and I got into this battle where we would make our home phone (this was before cell phones) answering machine messages attacks on each other (We both had our own private lines). So, basically, anytime we called one another, we’d be surprised with a new diss. Admittedly, he won these battles cause he was far more creative than me. He even got a some cute voice puerto rican girl from his high school (who had never met me) to do a whole rap about how little my dick was (and she killed it).
This one time, I made a message where I pretended I was speaking to Gil Scott Heron using this song as Heron’s dialogue. I basically asked “Hey, Gil scott, have you seen bill lately”? (not his real name, btw) and then press play on this song around the 3:45 mark where Heron emotionally sings “I saw him go to pieces!” and I continued to “converse” with the song, as if Gil Scott Heron was unconsolable to the fact that my friend had gone the “Pieces” bar. I thought that shit was hilarious. But, the point is, to this day, every time I hear this song I think of that and laugh. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t Heron’s motive in making this song but hey, memories!
Back again with my buddy Tim (Alaska) , popping shit about shit. This week we discuss Wrestlmania and snooki at Wrestlemania.Oh and there’s an Olivia Wilde mention too, in case those other two things repulsed you from pressing this:
I have a admission to make. I’ve become one of those people that watches food shows. Not so much cooking shows (cause the closest I come to cooking it microwaving chicken cutlets for a sandwich) but the Top chef, chopped, man vs. food type shows? I’m all over that shit. It’s fairly common for me to be in bed at 2 am , while my girl is asleep, watching an episode of Man Vs. Food I’ve seen about 6 times. I don’t wanna compare it to porn (cause South Park already did a great job at that) but there is a similar feeling to watching these shows for me. Granted, I’m not about to jerk off to them but the same carnal urge to act on what I’m seeing kicks in. It’s a good thing my fridge is filled with tumbleweeds and sorrow cause , otherwise, I’d be an obese log of shit.
Enter “Epic Meal Time”, I spent the better part of sunday watching these youtube clips being somewhere between aroused and nauseous. Epic Meal Time is a youtube series where some Canadian guys
make the craziest , most unhealthy meals possible. The host if funny and the food is the kind thing the highest, fattest person alive dreams of. I realize these clips have been around (they all have over 1 million views) but fuck it! They deserve the praise. I’d like to take a single bite of everything these dudes have ever made. But no more , after that, cause my heart might explode.
I think one of my favorite qualities of these shorts is that you can truly horrify vegetarians with them. That’s gotta count for something.
Here are the gods at work:
and for dessert
Arrrrrggghhhhhhhhhh…I’mma go eat a tofu salad.
Send me questions at email@example.com or leave them in the comment section below. My girl threatened to send me some questions and I had to tell her I have the power to ignore. Ha! Sorry, bro(ette). That goes for all of you. However, I’m way more likely to veto boring questions than I am fucked up ones though.
Now, on to the questions…
I know you don’t like music questions, but as a sweeply generalising character traits nazi and a “music person”, how does a person’s taste in music affect how compatible you are to them, relationship and friendship-wise?
This actually isn’t THAT big a deal to me. While I am a judgmental person in many ways, something like a persons musical taste is rarely something I’ll base my entire opinion of the person on. I mean, shit, if that was the case, I’d never talk to most girls.
In many ways , I kinda prefer a person to have only a passing interest in the kind of music I like. Just enough so that , if I’m playing something good, they’ll appreciate it but not so much that they wanna talk shop with me. In the past, where girls are concerned, I’ve never dated “hip hop” types cause they tend to me extremely corny. Even my friends aren’t that serious about it anymore. We’re old. Giving a shit about what kind of music another person likes is simply not something we do anymore.
Obviously, there is music out there I have burning hate for. If someone told me they were a huge Linkin Park fan or thought Mac Miller was a great mc , it might slightly alter my view of them , in terms of taste, but it really wouldn’t reflect my view of them as a person.
I will say , though, that there are certain movies out there that can define people. If you love certain movies and hate other movies, that can actually be a good sign that we could never be friends.
Say you were sitting enjoying a meal with the celebrity of your choice. The thing is however, in 2 minutes- People are going to bust in the door of the restaurant and open fire making sure to take you and you celebrity friend out. With prior knowledge of the attack, who would you bring to lunch to have your back? Well I mean other than the always reliable team of Riggs and Murtaugh…
I’d probably find the fattest/largest celebrity I could and hide behind his huge body while the shits where being fired. So, hmm…Comedian Ralphie May or Shaq seem like the proper answers.
How many times a month would you admit to going commando?
I never go commando. I wear jeans every day. The last thing I need is a chaffed penis that’s slightly blue looking due to the ink for the jeans. I don’t feel like there is ever a really good reason to go commando outside of when you accidentally shit you pants.
One of my friends has some serious B.O. yet, he seems completely oblivious. Problem is, he’s a super cool guy, and I really don’t want to hurt his feelings by calling him out on it. Any advice?
If he’s a cool guy and a good friend, you should be able to tell him. Just don’t be a dick about it. Maybe take him to the side and be like “Hey man, I don’t wanna make a big deal out of this but you need to get some deodorant”. If it were my friends, that’s the type of thing we’d have fun with. Perhaps create a good nickname for him based on his foul scent and shame him into realizing he smells like a bums grundle. Real friends use shame and embarrassment to get points across. Things like bad B.O. or constantly bad breath need to be addressed by friends. If not us, than who? Trust me, they’d rather hear it from us than keep getting bummed because every girl they hook up with mysteriously doesn’t call back.
One of my drinking buddies has a serious thing for Oasis, to the point that he tries to force oasis youtube clips on me. How do I tastefully tell him that his taste in music is gay?
Again, he’s your friend. This shouldn’t be an issue. Simply berate him about it until he either drops it or realizes that Oasis sucks.
I started dating an OR nurse who told me she liked to see the insides of people, should I be concerned?
You should be excited. Prepare to have you prostate milked like never before. Bring cookies.
No, but really, this is a good thing. Having a nurse around is great cause they can save you doctor appointments and often can get you the medication you could only get by going to see that doctor (and it’s free). I have a homegirl who’s a nurse practitioner and she’s pretty much a walking medicine factory for anyone she knows. I mean this in a good way too…she gives motherfuckers antibiotics not Oxy. Not to mention, they tend to be understanding cause they’re all medical and shit so if you have some bodily lapse, no one will judge you. Oh and , most of all, NURSES PARTY. Much like school teachers , pretty much every nurse I’ve ever met whyled the fuck out on their free time. So, depending on your lifestyle, that could be a negative or a positive.
Do you have any personal limitations on what you will or will not sample from besides whats cheap, free and will be least likely to get you sued?
I prefer to not sample music I would actually listen to on my own time. This is because , once I’ve sampled it, it will often ruin the song for me afterwards. I’ll get sick of it.
I also avoid famous stuff, obviously , cause that’s just asking for it.
We are having a really bad bed bug problem hear in Cincinnati… and I know New York has been having a problem with them for a minute also. Do you have any comments/statements/stories about these disgusting creatures?
I’m knocking on wood as I type this cause I have not had a bed bug issue yet. I do know a few people who have and it sounds pretty fucking awful. It basically just means you gotta throw out/wash everything in your apartment and have everything else frozen or something. On the bright side, it’s a great way to really knock a hoarder off their high horse.
* if you’d turn on your iPod right now, what would be the last 3 songs on your recently played list?
I tend to make playlists of whatever I’m not sick of at the moment and pay them on random. So, if you turned on my IPOD it would be anything from a number of artists. Danny Brown, Frank Ocean, Shuggie Otis, Some old Goodie Mobb, Shabazz Palaces, Odd future stuff, random old soul music and THIS SONG
* coffee or tea? shower or bath?
I drink tons of green tea. I never drink coffee. I’m pretty sensitive to caffeine so I stick to the mellower shit.
And I only take showers. I can barely fit the my little ass tub in my crib. But , even if I could, baths are gross. It’s laying in your own filth. Sure, they’re relaxing but my life isn’t that stressful anyway. Fuck a bath.
* are you a morning person or a night owl? what’s your typical morning routine?
I am a night owl for sure. Because of my “job”, I’ve created terrible sleeping habits over the years. I’m pretty much incapable of falling a asleep before 3 am (unless I’m particularly exhausted). Although, ever since my girl moved in, I have been getting to a bed a little earlier so that’s a good thing.
As for my morning routine…it’s more of an afternoon routine. I wake up around 10:30-11 regardless of when I went to sleep. I get up, brush my teeth and piss. Then I get on the internet , check all my favorite sites and write this crap. I don’t write every morning but at least 2 times a week.. After that, I either shower or don’t. Then I eat something. After that, it all depends. I might watch some TV or work on some music or go to the gym or take a 45 minute long dump. Where ever the wind takes me, I suppose.
Rest assured, whatever I do, it’s pretty fucking boring.