The player gets played…not really.


So, I was up last night watching TV and this movie came on called “Spread”. This abomination stars Ashton Kutcher as a Gigolo of sorts who gets by on his good looks and penis. Basically, He fucks old broads and, in return, they buy him shit and give him room and board. This is certainly not breaking any new ground in the cinematic landscape. In fact, the “Player gets played” genre has been quite prevalent in the rom-com genre over the last 20 years. Like everything filtered through hollywood, it’s bullshit and the ending always pans out with the former player both finding the love of his life and changing his ways. There is a reason movies like this get made and watched. It’s not cause they’re good but more cause, like a movie about dragons and princesses, they are a fantasy.

I think the Rom-Com has done more bad for the relationship ideals between men and women than people really realize. Not only do they create unrealistic expectations, they feed women bullshit that many of them are too willing to buy into.

In the case of movies like “Spread” , it’s the false hope that any girl can change any man. Now, on some levels men can be changed. We can certainly adapt. But on other levels, the song will always remain the same. We are simple and ritualistic in many ways. There’s only so much of that that can be moved around before we feel threatened.

The amount of girls I’ve seen take on men as projects is staggering. Trust me, on more than one occasion I’ve been that very project. Never in my life have I seen a girl turn a guy into something he’s not. Sure, i’ve seen dudes buckle after being sucked dry emotionally by over powering girlfriends , but those guys were not a problem to begin with. They were ripe for the reinventing. It’s the difficult guys. The ones who don’t give a fuck about being in a relationship. The ones who will fuck anyone simply cause they’re there and then go home to their girl and get head. The dudes have their own agenda. That agenda , unfortunately, does not include giving a fuck or sympathy.

The funny part is, eventually, almost all these dudes do settle down. but, best believe they are unchanged. Usually, these types decide to wind down when they’re either too lazy to chase ass anymore, too old or too fat. Don’t think for a second these types aren’t fucking hookers if given the chance. The desire to conquer (even if it’s for $) never leaves them.

Really, “the player” is a personality type. Much like a “hot head” or “hyper sensitive pussy”. These things are engrained. Sure, they all stem from somewhere else but if you’re a full grown adult who’s been living life in a certain way for that long, it’s not just a case of breaking a bad habit. It’s a case of re-wiring your brain via some Clockwork Orange set up involving video montages of puppies rolling in a pile of bunnies and crying ex girlfriends post miscarriage.

There really shouldn’t be such thing as a “project”, in terms of men. “Oh, but if I could just get him to change this one thing…he’d be perfect…”. unless you’re talking about wardrobe, give it up. Fixer-uppers are not the move.

In real life, these situations end in one of few ways.
1) Girls tries to change dude. Guy humors her. Girls gets false sense of comfort. Guy does what he wants regardless and eventually gets caught cheating. Girl has a spine about it. They break up. It’s a wrap.

2)Guy charms girl. She falls for it , hard. Guy abuses the girls love. Girl hangs on to this fantasy idea of change for as long as humanly possible while guy runs wild. They break up and get back together a shit load of times, all the while, guy is doing him. Eventually, the girl finally gives up on guy but, really, she’d probably still date him if given the chance at any point her life. She marries someone else, but ,against all common sense and reason, secretly still kinda loves the asshole.

3)Girl plays along with the whole “Player” thing and gives the guy his space. She deals with his indifference and his emotional availability being hit and miss. Thinking, by doing this, she’s not like other girls. Guy takes full advantage of this with a free conscience. Girl gets fed up and eventually freaks out on guy. Guy claims “this is what she signed up for”. Girl hates guy even though, he’s kinda right. It’s a wrap but, perhaps, they fuck drunkly sometime down the line.

4)Girl meets guy while he’s on a sexual tear but there’s something different about her. She’s special. Guy fights the feelings at first but eventually folds to his love for her. He dumps all his other girls and loses all desire to fuck other women. They get married and have kids and live a perfect life. Pig flies and the moon is discovered to be made of cheese. Jesus comes back to earth , wielding a fiery boner , with an unquenchable blood thirst and a nut busting vendetta. .

That’s it.
So, just know what you’re getting into ladies. If a dude is one of those guys, he’s one of those guys. You can have fun with him but don’t think you can turn a ho into a house wife…er…husband.

Next time: Can you turn a ho into a housewife?

Answers for questions Vol. 35


Send all new questions or misguided love advice to phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR leave them in the comments. As always, the stranger, the better.

Block- Your willingness to discuss your music making process/techniques has been enlightening and a relief to know that good shit doesn’t have to come from a mega studio with all of Rick Rubin’s gear. The question is: With all of the sampling that you do, how do you determine if they(samples) are in the right key? Is that a function in Ableton or do you just go by ear? Is that even important? What makes your style of music amazing is that all these elements from across the board can be arranged as one.

I’d say being able to recognize when something is in the right key is pretty much the cornerstone of making music. If you can’t do that or it’s a difficult, making music isn’t for you. That would be like if you were surgeon but couldn’t differentiate between a human body and an anteater.
Matching samples is a lot different than playing instruments though. I used to just match them by trial and error. This would mean I’d sit by my sampler for hours , going through records looking for that sounds that not only matches in key to the main sample, but that would also work with whatever speed the other sample was. This was a tedious process to say the least but after a while you learn some tricks and it becomes easier. However, because technology has progressed, people really don’t need to go through that any more. More programs have pitch shifting capabilities (Abelton certainly does) where you can just find the right key, type in the BPM’s and you’re set. It’s too easy if you ask me but I can’t front that it’s made a huge difference in how I make music.

Okay so lets say you have a woman over, who basically invited herself over, she does the “hey I’m near your place and don’t want to go home yet because its a drive and I’m not supposed to meet my friends at the bar for an hour.. what should I do?” So she comes over, you know she’s pretty crazy, but you play it cool. She has a nice body, say like an 8, intelligence, a 3, mental stability a 3, face a 4. When she comes over to the crib, where do you take it from there? (this already happened just curious as to how you would handle it, I no longer have anything to do with her, I also heard she got preggo a month before this meeting, and she got some abort pill or something, but not some plan b shit, like some legit abort).

Ha, well , I think I know how you handled it. Congrats ,dad!
As for me, I’m assuming this would be under the idea that I’d be single in this situation. IF not , that crazy bitch wouldn’t even get her call picked up. But, let’s pretend for a moment. If this did happen under those circumstances. Personally, it depends. If I’m just at home , watching tv sober, and some drunk crazy girl wants to come over, I’d probably not let it go down. When I’m in that mode, I’m just chilling and I don’t really have desires to be bothered by a girl like that, even if it means I might have regretful sex. If I’m drunk, eh…It could happen. But , the way you described her leads me to believe I’d avoid her entirely in the first place. Busted and crazy isn’t exactly my thing.

What if you are on a plane next to a BEAUTIFUL woman like RIDICULOUS, like Natalie Portman, or Mila Kunis, either works (had blackswan on the mind, ne way) and you’re chatting with her, all of a sudden, she rips a nasty, I mean like, memorably F-ing disgusting fart bro, she’s at the window you’re in the middle, she all of a sudden is like I gotta use the restroom, is clearly embarrassed, and gets up n puts that firey grime in your face trails past you to the restroom.. What do you say when she comes back?

I’d follow her to the bathroom and jerk off outside the door, bro!!! Nah…but really, what can you do? Just deal with it. She’s not embarrassed cause she just lost out a chance to fuck me , she’s embarrassed cause she just farted in public. Depending on our rapport, I’d joke about it or ignore it. Either way, it happens. Girls shit and fart. As much as I’d like to believe otherwise.

Have you ever considered trying to do commercials or movies as a regular thing? (I know you did that one commercial)

I wish it was that easy. Getting music in commercials pays the bills better than any album ever could. It’s just a matter of being chosen. Because I sample so much, it’s harder to place things due to people being scared of getting sued. But, in a perfect world, I could just land two songs in commercials a year and I’d be set.

These next questions are like the stalkers manual to being creepy and knowing way too much useless info about me.
What are some of your favorite:
Meals?

Chicken parm on a roll, A good sushi roll. and a billion other things.

Fruit?

Lately, dried mango. No clue why but it’s giving me horrific gas and I think my girl would appreciate if I stopped eating it.

Meat?

All of it.

Drink alcoholic/non-alcoholic?

Vodka and soda with lime is my go to. It’s light, gets me drunk and has no extra sugar in it that lends itself to a worse hangover.
as for non-alcoholic, Coconut water has been my shit lately. Also, Honest Tea’s green tea.
I’m on this truly fake health kick where I eat and drink certain healthy things all the time but still find time to eat like a bored midwestern shut in.

Soda?

GInger Ale. Not a big soda guy.

Sports drink?
Coconut water or just water…But I’ll fuck with some gatorade though.

Women hair color?
I think I prefer dark hair but I’m not picky with that.

Comparisons:
Cafe or bar?

Depends if I’m drinking. I don’t drink Coffee and have no interest in sitting in public reading or being on my computer so cafe’s are pretty much worthless to me. Bar wins.

Small or big venue?
I’m assuming you man to perform in…
Depends how big or how small. A nice packed 300-500 person venue is my favorite. But the Big venues always have better back stages and toilets, which I appreciate.

Beach or mountains?
My couch.

Mint or any other flavor toothpaste?
If your toothpaste isn’t mint flavored, you’re a total dipshit.

Floss or lil dentek piks?

I can’t front. I don’t floss that much. I brush all the time but I forget to floss. When I do have shit between my teeth, I’ll often use whatever’s nearby. One thing I often use , that grosses people out, is paper to pick my teeth. Like, slide a magazine page between there and get that gunk out. It works surprisingly well.

Collard shirt or T-shirt?

I only own t-shirts.

V-neck or Button up?
V-neck, if it’s a t-shirt. I don’t own many button ups and I don’t own a single V-neck that’s not a T-shirt.

Wife beat or none (as an undershirt)?
None. Though I would beat my wife in heartbeat for asking me to wear a wife beater.

Reggae or classic rock?
I’ll take old Reggae over Classic rock. I was never a big rock guy. But, that said, I hate new reggae waaaaaay more than I do any classic rock. Also, I’d take the Beatles over any reggae.

Electronic music or Heavy Metal?
Meh….neither. Metal is definitely cooler to me though. Wait, do I make electronic music? I’m confused. I’ll just assume you’re talking about techno and shit like that.

Peanut butter or Almond butter?
Peanut…But I haven’t had Almond before.

Do you enjoy collecting anything? Clothes? Figurines? Comics? DVDs? Coins? Stamps? Cards? anything else collectable?

I dunno why but I laughed out loud at this question. Figurines? hahahahahhaha….but, no. I don’t collect shit. I used to collect baseball cards and rap cassettes but that all ended when I realized collecting worthless shit that you don’t really ever use just takes up space and that’s a commodity in NYC apartments.

What’s the appeal in the sexual conquest of barely legal tail? You mentioned how 18 year olds are generally bad at sex, yet they’re coveted by men (see the howls of anticipation when nubile teen celebs approach 18). Is this due to the simple idea that they’re in their prime physically? Or is it something more primal than that–in the face of their virginal inexperience, there are less expectations as far as sexual gratification is concerned, and the guy is free to go hog wild? I’m really curious what your take on this phenomenon is.

GREAT question. seriously.
I have lots of thoughts on this. There are many different levels to why dudes want young girls,. One is, as you said, how they look physically. I mean, lets not front, they’re toned, their skin is softer, and nothing is drooping yet. That said , I think it goes deeper than just that into the male psyche. I think one of the main things that men love about them is the idea that they’re “Pure”. The idea that they’re getting to touch upon something that hasn’t been ruined by other people yet. The irony of this is that , nowadays, by the time a girl is 18, she’s most likely been through the sexual ringer. Kids today are fucking at a younger age and more “extreme” with their practices (well done, internet porn!).
I think a big part of it is the male ego. Men want to be the first to conquer. And I don’t mean this in a taking virginity kinda way. I mean, the want to be the guy who opens up all these sexual doors to the wide eyed sexual new comer. It’s 100% ego based and I’m willing to bet that plays into this greatly. To be the guy who “turned a girl out” is a big deal to lots of dudes. That said, no one “turns out” a virgin. I’ve never had sex with a virgin. I’ve never wanted to. It seems like no fun and just a lot of extra emotional bullshit to deal with for someone you’re very likely not that attached to.
You’ll sometimes hear dudes talk of virgins like a special prize. But I think that’s just talk. It’s a responsibility. The only thing about a virgin I could see as a huge plus is that you’re 100% sure she’s clean. Cause, the sex itself, is gonna be wack. It hurts her. It’s too tight. Blood. I dunno…doesn’t sound like a good time unless you’re a creep who enjoys inflicting pain on girls.
Much better than virgins are the girls who have had some experiences but none that were great. They’re past the point where it will hurt but not yet to the point where they really enjoy it. That’s when the male ego goes into overdrive and wants to devour.

Regardless, older dudes wanting the hot young girls will never end. We’re just wired to crave what we wanted back in high school. We simply don’t really change that much. I’d say the most important part of that is excepting you’re too old for that shit and moving on.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 2


As you may know, I love getting my Dr. Phil on. Not actually watching that crap but the “giving unwarranted advice to strangers” part. This past week I got a bunch of relationship questions for my “Answers for questions” section of this blog. I got so many, I figured it might be wise to separate them (if only for this week) into a section of their own. Yes, an advice column. Dear Abby, motherfuckers. SO, let’s see what help I can be. I should warn you all that I have no background in anything and this is all opinion based on nothing. I will say, I’ve been told I give good honest advice by many different people but I feel like thats about at reliable a referral as asking a homeless guy where the best sushi is.
Whatever, take the advice for what it is…FACTS!

(oh and if you got more of these or basic questions send them to my email Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below)

Scenario, I’ve chopped it up to a couple of my friends (male/female) but I’d like to have an unbiased opinion…

You have a friend, female friend, very close on a non sexual way.. You know she likes you and would like to date the fuck out of you, but you rather keep the friendship because youre just not that attracted to her, she lives with it. She has a younger sister that you do like, your friend knows you like her and shes not that cool with it, so you dont wanna fuck around that area because you know your friend will tear to smithereens. BUT one day you go out with the sister, you get drunk, you make out with her, you’re great with that happening but for some reason or another, it doesnt work out.. You keep it moving, you’re still cool with both of them.
Months later, you go out with your friend, you get drunk, you make out with her. You knew it was the worst of decitions because she is still kind of emmotionally interested and you´re not up for it. So after the making out day, you talk it out, notice the girl is totally attached but you still aren’t.. So you explain that and its kinda cool but she still has hopes.
Out of the blue, the sister starts getting in touch again, you chill with her often but as friends, and you start gettin attracted again…… What the fuck do you do?

Well, In a perfect world , you’d just fuck the sister with no cares in for your friends feelings. I mean you wouldn’t be the first guy to pull that shit. But, alas, we do not live in a perfect world. If you really do have strong “friendship feelings” (A claim i’m a tiny bit suspect of) for this girl than it’s best to ignore the advances of her little sister. Not only will it create rifts between you and your friend, but also the two sisters. For all we know, this could be some competitive power trip going on between the two of them. Avoid that shit. The last thing you wanna get involved with is some crazy inter-sister beef that’s probably been brewing since they were in diapers.
The real question here is Why did you ever make out with your friend? I get that you were drunk but I’m not buying that as an excuse for this. If you really had NO interest in her like that, you wouldn’t do it. Regardless of how drunk you are. Was it a pity make out? That part just seems strange to me. I’ve got plenty of homegirls who I would never make out with on my drunkest night simply cause my brain has been wired to not ever want to make out with them. I’m just saying. What’s that all about? And if you truly were that drunk and lost hold of what you were doing, a brief warning: Avoid gay bars. Some of those dudes are crafty and they will seduce a dude that has no control over himself. I look forward to that follow up letter.

i’m finding myself in a usuall dilemma i guess and i want to hear an advice from an obviosly proficient person. i am a german so excuse me for my lack of english.

Since a couple of weeks i’m dating a pretty and quite intelligent girl. We are not really on the same “thinking basis”, yet there is no problem to communicate. we don’t find ourselves in unpleasent situations and i really like to make out with her. yet i always got a feeling that she is not really a girl i want to be in a relationship with, i’m not really in love i guess. we live in the same town.

on the other side i met a girl in amsterdam a while ago. we just met one night at a birthday party, talked and had fun, nothing really special. Since then we chat a lot and i really much like her, in a way you can like a girl through chatting. i hope i’m not a nerd so, but it really makes fun. I think that we kinda connect pretty well (she is from greece and pretty attractive by the way). In two weeks she wants to visit me in germany for two days.

If i would be that cool guy i always pretend i am i probably wouldn’t mind the situation. I really like the girl from greece (just because of chatting with her !!) and i really really want to make out with her, but i don’t really see a chance that we could somehow be together since she’s living in amsterdam.

dou you got an adive for me?

BORK! Love this broken english ass letter. Seriously.
Okay, on to the question.
I don’t see the big problem here. It seems like you’re in a “hook up” relationship with the first girl and the other might have some substance. The “Hook up” relationship can be whatever you want it to be. You could end it tomorrow or drag it out for a few months for fun. If you two are really not on the same page, she’ll eventually figure it out.Just don’t make any broad voal commitments and you’re good. Never lose an opportunity over something that’s not that solid to begin with.

This reminds me of when I was in college. I was a sucker. Straight up. I was 18 and if I hooked up with a girl I liked, it got pitiful real quick. So, on the last day of school, I hooked up with this girl I had been feeling all year. In my moronic head, this meant we were together on some level even though I was dropping out of school and she lived in a different state over 7 hours away. She came to visit me once in the city that summer and that was enough to hold me over (in terms of thinking I was in some sort of relationship). That summer, I was working in a record store and one of my co-workers was this beautiful , awesome girl who was feeling me. Pretty much my ideal girl. We’d flirt but I always held back cause of this out of town girl.She threw me all sorts of hints and signs and I just ignored them. To this day I kick myself over that idiotic decision. Don’t be like me. Get’em all while you can. If you like that girl from out of town, go for it. The casual hook up girls will come and go. And if both these things fall through, who gives a shit? I’m assuming you’re pretty young . Trust me, there’s plenty more out there for you. And you can do much more than just “Make out”.

i have this friend angie. i’ve known her for about 2 years now. she has been with her boyfriend for 4 of those years.
in the last few months we’ve started to hang out more and more. she is extremely flirty. she has said everything from
“why aren’t you more aggressive with me? you know like whip out your cock and slap me in the face with it.” to
“i bet you’re the type of guy who asks if the girl is ok while you’re fucking” (she thinks about me having sex! come on!)

anyways, when i’ve tried to call her out on being really hands on and flirty she always says she is loyal to her boyfriend
and would never cheat on him. this last saturday, we shared a crepe with whipped cream. we were eating off the same plate.
i know this must sound extremely faggy and lame coming from a guy but am i tripping or do i need to just tell her to break up with
her boyfriend? my only concern is if i ask her to do it, she might stop hanging out with me.

on top of all of this shit, i often find her complaining about her boyfriend. like he didn’t do anything for her for valentine’s day and she
was pretty bummed on that, etc…

anyways, let me know what you think. maybe i should stop torturing myself is what i’m always thinking but she is fucking hot
and really fun to hang out with.

Sounds to me like
a)She’s a flirty piece of shit.
b)She’s setting the table to break up with her man and needs a new guy on stand by until she does.

My advice to you is: Wait it out. But also, don’t expect a relationship out of this. The best thing that can happen is that she’ll break up with her man and you’ll fuck her a bunch. IF that sounds like a good deal, then hold tight until the inevitable break up happens. Just don’t focus all your attention on her. Keep her around the same way she’s keeping you around. A back pocket option int he future.
Certain girls are crazy flirts but do so cause they know it’s a sure fire way of keeping a guy around. She knows you wanna hit it and she’s banking on all this teasing as a way to keep you in the fold. What it really comes down to is how patient you are. If this is getting overwhelming and you can’t handle being around her, then speak up. Put it out there. If she rejects you, stop hanging with her. It’s better for both of you and, down the line, when they do inevitably break up, I wouldn’t be surprised if she reached out to you on some level.

One thing I will say is that there are few things hotter that sex after years of sexual tension and muted desire. If you do finally get it, be careful cause you might accidentally fuck her to death with all that pent up aggression. Wear a condom, bro.

Know this guy since I was 15 (we’re 28 now) and always had a thing for each other. It never worked out back then, we were too young, shy then kind of drifted apart. Thanks to the miracle of social networking we reconnected a year and a half ago.

We fell for it hard and I moved into his house right away. Things were pretty ok, I loved him like mad, but he had some issues. He is really insecure and he’s pretty much a hoarder. Things I had no idea about when we were kids. When I moved in I cleaned his house top to bottom, made four trips to the dump for him (because he doesn’t drive). But he never participated in keeping the house up and I eventually just started to give up.

Around the same time he lost his job and I ended up losing my license. I had to take a bus to work which took up 6 hours of my day because his house was way out in the boonies. I fell into a depression and told him I needed to move to be closer to work. He owned his home so moving with me was not an option. I thought if we took a step back he could work on his shit and I could mine. Being so insecure he got really mad and we just ended up breaking up.

I’ve been out of his house for two months but we’ve still kept in contact. He’s brought me flowers, cupcakes and books and shit to my work to declare his love for me and wants me back. I’ve been in a good place as of late and was starting to really want to be with him again. So just the other day I asked if he wanted to come over and bone (more romantically of course). He said he wasn’t able to do that because it would fuck him up and blah, blah. I told him that it wasn’t just the sex and that I wanted to start working on the relationship.

Then said he doesn’t want that anymore, when literally three days before he said that I was the one he wanted and and he would be here for me. Confused, I asked what changed so suddenly. And asked if he met someone else. He said he had been on a date but it didn’t go anywhere. So I accepted what he had to say and decided to put him behind me.

That same night he came over unannounced and declared his love for me once again and convinced me that this was what I really wanted and we decided to work it out. We stayed up all night and talked and had great sex. He woke up and left work, then an hour later he text me saying that he couldn’t do it. No real explanation, just couldn’t do it.

Did he feel too rejected by me? Do you think there is someone else? I don’t get it and he’s not giving me answers. Why would a man act like this?

Hmm…First off, I feel like you’ve hit the Jackpot as far as deadbeat boyfriends. I dunno if it’s your thing to want to “fix” and “take care” of people but that shit is never a healthy reason to be with someone. Even if you do love the dude, recognize that getting back into this may be a life long project that will never be finished.
I obviously don’t know this dude but judging from what you said, he’s got some mental health issues. He’s a hoarder and he’s severely depressed. I feel like his constant back and forth between wanting you and being done with you is probably just manic swings bought on by his condition. I understand that you guys have a history together and your feelings are real but I also feel like it’s best you just move on. You’re too young to become a nurse for a mental patient. He needs help that you can’t provide. Perhaps you could try and push him in that direction. His non-commitment to how he feels is unsettling and I doubt it’ll change anytime soon.
If not mental disorder, this may be the case:
Judging from his whole “I’m not ready” stance when you invited him over for sex, that just may be the truth. He knows he can’t handle seeing you without everything being back to how it was. But , he eventually broke down and saw you and did what he knew he’d do (which was make a connection and have sex). The next day, he reminded himself that it’s not in his best interests to hang with you at this point in his life, thus the second blow off.

I dunno. Shitty situation but I can’t stress enough how little fun dealing with a depressed person is in the context of a relationship. If I were you, I’m get to stepping and focus in on some new dude with problems that you can try and fix.

Song of the day 5/11/11


Nightmares By Open Mike Eagle
http://limelinx.com/files/da634272f4b0542586bfd1b355850ed5
This song has been making the rounds on lots of blogs this week. For that reason, I was gonna skip it but I just can’t help myself. I’ve pretty much been listening to it non-stop and it would be a shame to not pass it along to those of you who aren’t complete losers who spend all say on the internet.
Open Mike Eagle is a name that’s popped up a few times on this blog over the last year. He’s a rapper from L.A. (by way of chicago) who put out a great album on Mush records last year called “Art rap party”. His new album “Rappers will die of natural causes” is dropping soon. I’m very excited cause, as I’ve mentioned before, not a ton of new rap really hits for me so, when it does, it’s a welcome feeling.
Also, this one’s got a video , so you can check it out above. So easy. AMIRITE?!?!??!!?!

Sugar daddies and babies


I was home the other day watching Tyra. This is the type of thing I do when I’m bored and feel like infuriating (inspiring!) myself. The topic of the show was “Sugar daddies” and “sugar babies”. Not to be confused with the teeth destroying carmel treat, this episode was talking about young attractive women who date older, wealthy men. These relationships are rarely based on physical contact and , most of the time, equal out to some dude buying some broad shoes all the time…or maybe even paying for her education.
As a man who lives by a very different code than these people, this topic has always been an interesting one to me. There are so many angles to approach it from (and so many years of therapy that need to be had on both ends of this equation) , allow me to try and wrap my head around it in list form. As you may know, I can think much clearer when there is a numbering system involved.

1)Who needs sex?

Most of these girls were very open about their “No sex” rule, pertaining to the gentlemen they were “Dating”. That means, these dudes are well aware that the most they will get out of this relationship is hanging out platonically with a young girl who won’t fuck them in a million years. This brings about a few thoughts.

a) Why would anyone want to willfully hang out with these vapid cunts if the possibility of sex was not involved. We all like pretty girls and , certainly, being around one in social settings is a nice ego boast (and it doesn’t hurt social status either). But save that shit for your picture album when it can have some shelflife. Taking this girl out, buying her shit and not getting to fuck her is beyond stupid. It’s like bargaining for the worst possible deal. “Hey, can I have terrible conversations all day and lose money , then go home and furiously masturbate to the impossible thought of me fucking some girl I have no business even talking to?”. Sounds ideal, bro.

b) When men are younger, we go through this thing with girls often where we are “friends” but want to have sex with them yet they are “oblivious”. Personally, I don’t think they really are blind to the truth. I think they just choose to ignore it cause they like the dude as a friend and are not attracted to him OR they’re content emotionally milking his soul until he eventually cracks and the friendship comes to a screeching halt. The thing about these youthful relationships is that the man will put up with way more than he normally would just based of the faint hope that, one day, he can get it in. That flickering ember of hope can burn for years if the girl plays it right. But this kind of thing should only happen to young men. After a point, we simply begin to care less and be less infatuated with certain girls. I suppose we realize that there are , indeed, tons of other fish in the sea. And many of them won’t make you watch them try on clothes before going to meet some dude she actually will be fucking. So, my point is, these are old men who already know this yet continue to shower these obviously undeserving girls with gift. This makes them complete fucking morons and deserving of whatever misery these relationships bring upon them.

2)The “Every girl should be treated like a princess” syndrome

Whenever this kind of topic is discussed on TV shows, there is always a girl who feels the need to justify her obviously wrong behavior with the “every girl needs to be treated like a princess” argument. Now, while this is one of the dumbest things a person can say in a public forum , I can’t even really blame the girl. I’d say the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of her shitty parents…or more precisely, her shitty dad. Her dad could have abandoned her at an early age or just bent to her will her whole life, spoiling her relentlessly as if she were special…but it’s on him. So, if your daughter ever brings home a dude that looks like one of your tennis buddies, guess what? You fucked up. The only solace you can take is that she’s probably not fucking him. Congrats.

3)You should be ashamed of you old ass self

I get that older men will always crave younger flesh. I mean, shit, I watch porn with girls who are too young for me but , in real life, I’d feel like a total creep even talking to. However, with the sexual aspect of it off the table, what’s to gain here? Status amongst your loser ass old friends? Who gives a shit? You should have kids by now anyway and they should be older than the girl you’re buying shoes for.
Even more curious is the reality of the situation. If you’re hanging out with these girls, it’s not all just swiping credit cards. There’s talking involved. What the fuck do you two have to talk about? You think Lady GaGa is a baby diaper and she’s never heard of the Beatles. That , coupled with the no sex clause, would be more than enough to keep me away from that situation forever.

4)The lifespan of a sugar baby

Women have it rough when it comes to aging. While us men tend to get more “distinguished” with age, many women hit a physical wall hard and the drop off is brutal. Because of this, whenever women put all their eggs in the “I’m attractive” basket, it will always be a short term thing. yes, this old man likes your hot 24 year old body and firm tits. 10 years down the line, however, you’ll just be another worn out old bitch he’s tired of supporting. The whole concept of women trying to maintain their youthful looks well past the point of return has resulted in a generation of plastic faced duck ghouls. There’s certainly a “keeping up with the joneses” vibe to it , as you can see by watching any “real housewives” variation. But there is no fooling youth (unless you’re a freak of nature like Marisa Tomei , Stacy Dash or Cindy Crawford). Aging will always be victorious and the more work you have done, the more you end up looking like a melting wax sculpture of a lioness. Sugar daddies may be lonely fucking losers but they’re nothing if not looks obsessed. That’s why they have sugar babies in the first place. Young , hot ass. Not “formerly hot, kinda grasping onto their youth but failing” ass. So, just know, that if you’re dating an old dude, you’re on just as much of a clock as he is (except his clock ending results in a funeral and yours results in 4 cats in a one bedroom apartment).

5) “He’s like a father”

There are few things more creepy than hearing a young girl describe her boyfriend/sugar daddy with that sentence. Holy shit. You don’t fuck your dad! And dad, you don’t fuck your daughter! Much like “The friend zone” , “The dad zone” exists and it’s even more impenetrable. If a girl tells you you are like a father, close down shop and move out. Granted, daddy issues do run deep amongst women but if she says that and hasn’t fucked you yet, the deal is off. There’s not bouncing back from that. All the Viagra, sports cars and weekend trips in the world won’t change the fact that when she looks at you, she sees a dork in a bathrobe reading the morning paper while complaining about the consistency of the scrambled eggs he’s eating.

Ahh…I needed to get that out. I feel much better now.

Answers for questions vol. 34


Back again…As usual, send more questions, problems and whatever to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the question in the comments section of this post.
This week we got a little of everything. Let’s begin with the longest question of all time.

I’ve known a girl for years and years. I consider us good friends because we know eachother well, but to be honest she’s become dull and we’ve grown apart and the only reason I see her so often is out of a feeling of duty (she doesn’t have many other friends).
Aaaand there’s another reason…I am kind of into her boyfriend.
 
Okay, I’m a bad person, whatever, but please help me decipher this stuff.
What do you think the following things mean:
 
When we hang out sober, he tells me shit that he doesn’t tell anyone else.
When we hang out drunk, he tells me shit that he doesn’t tell anyone else, and tells me that he’s had a crush on me for years.
He talks to me about other girls he likes.
We’ll make plans to chill but then he’ll bail.
He drunk dials me to come out.
He tells me his friends think I have a crush on him.
He (one really drunk time) asked me to take a shower with him?
 
I should add in COMPLETE honesty that I value his friendship, and if it came down to it I would be okay only being friends when they break up (which they’re about to).In fact i want to make SURE we stay friends. But I don’t want to have my friendly advances being mistaken for come-ons which I think would drive him away (either because he doesn’t actually like me or because it would weird him out maintaining any kind of relationship with his ex-girls friend – both of which kind of suck). Ugh. What do you think?

Okay. first off, lets drop this “I wanna maintain the friendship” bullshit. You obviously like this guy. Enough that you’re less concerned with maintaining the friendship with the old girl friend than you are with how to go about dealing with him. I get that you “value his friendship” but, you also wanna fuck him so that kinda puts a different spin on things. Ask yourself this, if you were not attracted to him, would you wanna hang out with him? Regardless of the answer, the fact remains you do want to have sex with him so that cloud will always be there (until he eventually proves himself to be an asshole/scum bag)
As for him , it’s hard to read too far into it based on the info you gave me but I feel like he really wants to fuck you. Shocking, I know. The fact that he openly talks about liking other girls in front of you and hits on you (that “let’s take a shower” line is a ballsy one) , while still currently dating your friend would leave me to believe , he’s in it for the sex. He’s probably miserable with his girlfriend and looking for anything new. I’m sure he’s legitimately attracted to you but know that , more than anything, he wants to hit it. I don’t know him but I’d guess your friendship with him isn’t as important to him as his is to you. It’s not like he’s gonna break up with your friend and start dating you. He’d more likely break up with her and then try having sex with you and it would become this big secretive drama that will eventually end up with all three of you never speaking to each other again.
So, depending on where you stand with your friendships with both these people, act accordingly. If you’re really over being pals with the girl, then it’s not a huge issue. Granted , there will be feelings hurt but that’s par for the course. If your attraction to this guy cannot be contained, all you gotta do it let it happen. Trust me when I tell you that he’s ready to go at anytime, regardless of if he’s still with that girl or not. Don’t worry too much about how it effects you’re friendship with him. If he’s cool, it’ll be fine. I can’t say I have high hopes for this ending well but crazier shit has happened. Lemme know how this all goes.

* if you could invite a comedian to dinner, who would it be?

Hmmm…that’s tough. I love stand up comedy but I’ve learned that most comedians are miserable pieces of shit. So, the thought of sitting at a table with a self hating and sarcastic ego maniac isn’t that appealing to me. Also, thanks to the wonders of podcasts, I’ve been able to hear what lots of these guys are like in normal conversations. Based on what I’ve heard, I bet Paul f. Tompkins would be a cool guy to have dinner with. He seems not crazy and pretty level headed while also being hilarious.

* do you think it’s important for children to be exposed to classical music?

Eh…I think it’s important for kids to be exposed to good music. Not Classical in particular. My parents used to play jazz and opera for me, with some classical thrown in. I’m sure that didn’t hurt. I’d say just don’t play kids anything you’re currently into. Kids should be raised on older music. We have a whole generation of kids right now that are probably being raised on dub step and lady gaga. I can’t see that boding well for the future of humanity.

* does sex get better with age?

Depends what age you mean? Is sex better when you’re 25 than when you’re 16? Sure. The thing about getting older is that the sex can remain great but it’s the partners that change. When you’re 18 , you’re usually fucking other 18 year olds (give or take a few years). As a man, that’s awesome and it’s something we, as young men, tend to overlook. At that point, we’re getting that good young stuff LEGALLY and for a limited time only. The entire porn industry is based around that. However, the reality of it is, most 18 year olds are terrible at sex. Boys and girls. So, while you’re getting to have sex with something that is physically awesome looking, the skills are lacking. As we get older, we all fall off a little physically but we definitely learn the ropes and embrace our sexuality a lot more , which leads to better sex. If there was someway to just teach kids (of a legal age) at a young age how to fuck and not be insecure about everything, we could have the best of both worlds. I suppose that’s just as likely as me somehow being able to make that last sentence not sound completely creepy.

* do you think it’s ok for celebrities to use their stardom to help influence voters?

I think celebrities can think and say whatever the fuck they want to say. But , if you’re an average joe and what that celebrity says has any effect on how you feel, you’re a fucking moron.
Athletes, actors and musicians have been spouting political opinions forever and it always shocks me to see people take a stand against that, as if they aren’t allowed to have an opinion. Sure, most actors, athletes and musicians are next level idiots with absolutely uninformed opinions on everything. But that doesn’t mean they can’t say whatever pops in their heads. It’s simply our job, as normal people, to not give a fuck what they think about anything.

Where do you stand in today’s phone market? Are you one of those people attached to a smart phone or do you still rock a dinosaur phone? If you have a smart phone, which apps consume the most of your time?

I’m the last living adult with an old ass phone. I don’t have internet on my phone. It’s just a verizon LG. Thing is, I text all the time. It’s my favorite way to communicate because talking on the phone is annoying. Unless we’re old friends catching up on old times, everything else can be handled with a text. Because of this, I really only need a phone that’s text friendly. So, basically, one that looks like a 2 way pager and gets made fun of by 13 year olds. It’s cool. I’m used to it by now.
I also don’t want internet on my phone cause I’m clearly addicted to it and not having it with me when I leave the house is for the better. I don’t want to become one of those guys who’s nose is buried in his phone every time I leave the house. Not saying this won’t eventually happen but I’m holding out best I can.

Any opinions on this Mac Miller guy?

Why…Yes! Now, I was gonna use to use this space to be a total dismissive asshole and make fun of a kid who’s very likely going to be a millionaire in the near future. There’s really no point. I’ll just say this. Yes, Mac Miller is a terrible rapper. He’s extremely corny and derivative. However, he’s just a young kid who raps. There are millions of kids like him. He obviously stepped into this thing with a game plan that has worked and you can’t really front on that. His business savvy>his rapping skills. Especially considering he’s from a place like Pittsburgh where it’s not exactly easy to get put on.
So, While I do think he’s a bad mc, I’m not as mad at him as I am his fans. It just kinda bums me out that so many people listen to that and get enjoyment out of it. It’s one of those things that speaks in volumes about where we are at as a music scene. Don’t get me wrong, like what you like. I’m certainly old as fuck and my opinion on “what’s hot” right now really doesn’t matter. But the co-signs this dude has gotten, plus the coverage really blows my mind. So much so, that I can’t be mad. Just disappointed. Cause there are plenty of young rappers out there far superior to him in every way who will never even get to the point where they do a live show.

Song of the day 5/5/11


I go to work By Kool Moe Dee
http://limelinx.com/files/684812bcd6bc74f6e17f82b4206e7a2a

Kool Moe Dee is one of those rappers who was in his prime a hair before my time. I had his tapes and respected his skill but people a few years older than me always had a greater appreciation for him than I did. However, he was also one of the people who first got me into hip hop with his involvement in The Christmas rap from Beat Street. All that said, the dude was a beast. He may have been one of the first beasts. Because I was a little behind in the game , the first Moe Dee album I purchased myself was “Knowledge is king” , in 1989. This song, “I go to work” , was a single off of it. It sort of challenged me to like it with it’s dancey, almost C&C music factory like beat but Hoooooly shit does Kool Moe Dee kill it on this. This is one of those songs that pops up on my Ipod every now and then and I’m never not blown away by how dope he is on it.
So, younger people, try and overlook the cheesy beat and listen to the man on this track. Each verse improves on the next and you really can get a feel that he was a master of his craft.

The Robin Byrd Era


As you might know, I’m in the midst of working on a new album. One of the most fun/annoying parts of making a new album is dealing with titles. Sure, it’s fun to name songs after inside jokes or whatever arbitrary thing I can think of (especially the kind I make which usually contain no vocals and are ripe for interpretation). However, naming an album title is stressful. First off, it sticks with you. If the title sucks, you will not forget it. Secondly, it has to somehow capture the point you’re trying to get across with said album.

Yesterday I tweeted
“I kinda wanna call my new album “The Robin Byrd era”. Eh…To much of an Inside joke but it would be fun for those who got it.”

While I was kinda joking, the more I thought about it, it did capture something I’ve been trying to put my finger on since beginning this album. Allow me to explain…

Some of you may know her name from a random old SNL skit

It’s actually pretty spot on…

For those who don’t know , Robin Byrd is a former porn star turned Tv host. Her show was not a typical TV show though. It was on Leased access in NYC (Leased access is like public access but it’s got ad’s). Her show consisted of a seemingly drugged out old whore (Robin Byrd) introducing strippers (both male, female and transexual) who would then do 5 minutes routines to whatever freestyle music they could find that day. At the end of the show , she would lip sync to a song called “Bang your box” while taking the penises of the male guests and poking herself in the eye with them or mashing her face into the boobs and crotch of the female guests. Now, as a young boy going through puberty in the late 80’s/early 90’s , masturbation was a top priority. However, this was before the internet. Sure, I had some playboys but they got stale quickly and I was still too young to be able to get a steady influx of porn VHS tapes. Because of this, like everyone else I knew with cable, I turned to Channel J. This was the leased access station that, after 10:30 at night, would become all night soft core porn and escort ads (To this day, it still is but it’s now found on channel 35 on time warner cable). For my hyper horny , pubescent being, this was heaven. Robin Byrd was a show that was on all the time. Thus, it got watched a lot. The problem with her show was planning your jerk off around when the girl strippers would come on. On more than one occasion I would be ready to go as they began with a close up of hairless skin, only to be revolted as they pulled the camera back to reveal some Chippendale’s dancing corn ball with bon jovi hair in a thong. I don’t even wanna get into the surprise chicks with dicks they’d have on every now and then but I’m sure I’m not alone in that experience.

So, you might be wondering “how the fuck do your weird 13 year old masturbation habits relate to you naming an album after some old porn stars horrible tv show?”

Well, hear me out. Thinking back to those days bring about a lot of memories. Not just of shameful nuts busted but of a simpler time in both my life and in New York City. There’s a certain innocence to that perversity that I just don’t think can happen anymore in today’s day and age. Sure, you might look at the above mentioned topic as fucked up considering I was barely 13 and already exposed to chicks with dicks, but really, it was controlled. That era in time was right before New York got disney-ed and the internet became a thing. It was a time when , even though we were privy to some disgusting shit, we could still be kids. Albeit perverse kids, but kids nonetheless. So, my thoughts on this album are really just harkening back to a time when things were in a less grey area. You know, the Robin Byrd era. We knew what we were getting into. Some of it was wildly inappropriate but it helped make us who we are now. It may sound corny but remember, I’m talking about the masturbation habits of a child. How corny can that really be? Creepy? Sure, but not corny.

The Robin Byrd era speaks about much more than just what was on TV. It was the 80’s and 90’s. The same time I fell in love with hip hop. The same time I started playing basketball. When I started trying to figure out girls. These were the formative years of my life and it’s funny that they can all be traced back to a worn down , whored out , possible drug addict who stuck dicks in her eyes on a nightly basis.

I haven’t decided if I’ll name the album that or not. I mean, there’s about .03 % of my fan base that will get it. After all, they’re mostly younger than me and didn’t grow up in NYC. But part of me thinks that’s what’s kinda cool about it.Google exists for a reason. And , even with google’s help, it still wont fully shed light on the meaning behind the title. I dunno…we’ll see what happens. Maybe I’ll eventually do a poll on this blog and let you guys take you pick of what name I should go with. Whatever the case, i know for sure “The Robin Byrd era” will, at least, be a song title on the album.