Earlier this week I was alerted of the upcoming existence of a video game based on the Musical group The Black Eyed peas. My first reaction was to tweet about it (cause really, things like this are what twitter was invented for)…and I wrote these two real quickly:
So, the Black eyed peas are gonna have their own video game. Definitely looking forward to the level where you comb the indian one’s hair.
Black Eyed peas video game level two: Help Will.I.AM Fellate a grammy statue. Level 3: The search for Fergie’s actual age.
The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I could design a whole video game based on the music and overall vibe of this group. So, even though there is a game ready to hit the shelves (it may even be out now), here are my ideas for what the Black Eyed Peas game should be.
The Black Eyed Peas: Let’s get retarded (in here)
Ages 2-4 Rated G
Will.I.AM.: He is the leader of the Peas.
His powers include: shamelessness, ability to cloak himself if outfits made for club kids from the future who’s brain stopped working decades ago after years of drug abuse, and writing songs with the intent for them to be played during sporting events.
Special move: If he massages his throat in the right why, his mouth ejaculates vomit…but this vomit is magical vomit as it is invisible and you can only hear it.
Fergie: The Second in command/tits n’ ass
Special powers: Her body never ages so she’s remains flexible and quick (though, her faces ages quite rapidly), the ability to make men of lower value think she’s highly attractive, and she’s able to sing in the sense of loud yelling that’s not technically out of tune.
Special move: when singing, her “OH no you didn’t!” Whig hand is able to reach such speeds, she can fly.
Special powers: Able to lift both fergie and Will.I.AM’s luggage with minimal stress on his back, His mohawk makes him quite wind resistant , and he’s capable of making two really solid traditional filipino meals (but can only do so while pretending to be part mexican/black)
Special move: Invisibility
Special powers: His hair is his strength so he is unbeatable in a cat fight, His undistinguishable race allows him to fit in everywhere he goes yet always seem slightly more cultured than everyone he meets, and his vogue moves are deadly.
Special move: He whips his hair back a forth.
Okay, so now that you know the characters, here are my ideas for the levels:
Level 1) The search for the perfect hook
In this level, the gang wanders through a studio looking for inspiration for the “perfect hook”. While the other three sit in the green room playing pool and drinking red bull, WIll.I.AM tirelessly scrolls through his Itunes in search of the right song to rip off. You’re job, as the gamer, is to help him scroll.
Level 2)The writing process
Once the hook has been captured. It’s time to write the song. The gang sets out on the streets looking for the most brain damaged 8 year old they can find. Using their super powers, they locate him and then shake him down for lyric ideas. This level gets a touch violent, but such is the life of a Pea.
Level 3) Choreography
Now, you might think that recording the song might come after writing it but No. This game is true to life. Even before the song has been committed to recording, the gang must up the ante and create dance moves. This level is where Apl. and Taboo really shine. Using real human censor controllers that I’m assuming your video game system already has, you create the dances as those characters. Anything will do. Karate Chops, the huckle buckle, the running man…anything. Just be weary cause Will.I.Am is watching you closely and if you dawdle to much, he will release the hounds on you.
Once the dance is to Will’s liking,it’s time to hit the studio. Using your controllers, you guide Will’s hand through whatever was popular in music three weeks ago and try and emulate that exact sound. This could range from Auto-tune to Dub step to country music. Once you choose the “right” “effect”, whoever is playing fergie is put in the booth. The power in which she sings is dependent on how fast you can mash the buttons. The more mashing you can do, the better the vocal take.
Level 5) Soul cleanse
This is the level where all the Peas go their separate way for the night. Depending on who you’re playing, you will have a different adventure. If you’re playing WILL.I.AM, you go to a club and fuck some 18 year old right before quietly crying yourself to sleep on a pile on money. If you’re fergie, you go home to your husband and ask him where he’s been all night, while fighting off the “Meth monsters” living inside your dressers top drawer). IF you’re the other two, it doesn’t matter cause no one is picking those characters. We’ll figure something out for them…maybe they go play more pool and then get a bite to eat. Who gives a shit?
Level 6) The label labyrinth
Once the team is reunited, they must travel to the record label and present them the new song they just made. This is not as easy as it sounds as they must make their way through all sorts of small talk with ass kissing bottom feeders. Once they reach the final destination, they play the label guy the song.
Level 7)The Big payoff
This is the final level. It’s them against the big boss. The only difference is that big boss is really jovial and not at all threatening. The gang plays him 15 seconds of the new song , he stops it and tells them “It’s a hit!”. But he then orders the Peas to a dance off to the death. Whoever can break it down the hardest wins. This is actually the most busy part of the game for whoever is playing it. Hell, you might even break a sweat. The winner is decided by the amount of drool and sperm it makes the label head generate. Once those fluids overflow out of his golden goblet, the winner is crowned and the game is over. Roll credits.
so, yeah…I like it…anyone wanna invest? If not, I guess we could skip all those other parts and just make the whole thing a dance contest. I’m sure that’s what the actual game is anyway.