Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 4

As you may know, I’m a licensed psychologist of the heart (No, I’m not) and my help has been sought out all over the world (No, it hasn’t).
Okay, to be honest, I’m a college drop out with no education beyond knowing the multiplication tables and kinda knowing when I’ve written a run-on sentence. That said, I have been known to give good advice and that’s what this is about. Who needs an education when you have common sense and well balanced sense of right and wrong.
As usual, if you have more inquiries like the ones below, send them to my email: or leave them in comments below. All submissions are kept private and treated like gold. I promise.
Anyway, here goes this weeks questions:

i have this friend monica. she is practically my best friend. a couple of weeks ago we went out
and she was buying a bunch of shots. her friend susan was there. somehow we all ended up
back at my apartment and i ended up sleeping with susan in my roommates room (he was out of town and monica fell
asleep on my bed). before the next morning had even rolled around i had this intense feeling of regret. i
don’t like this chick and i don’t want her to think anything is between us.

a couple of weeks later we are all out again but this time they brought their friend jessica.
she of course is super hot and what not. i end up getting her number before the end of the night (god knows how)
and we make plans to hang out. monica freaks out on me. she thinks i’m being a pig going after the friend of the girl i just slept with. what i really am asking is, is it wrong for me to go after jessica? since when does one drunken hook up equally the equivalent of a long term relationship? pretty much monica has a huge conflict of interest because what she is really worried about is her friends fighting or some shit like that. but i haven’t even hung out with jessica yet. do i call her and risk having monica mad at me and susan being all butt hurt or do i just let it go.

last note, despite what monica thinks, i’m not going after jessica out of spite. she is mad hot and she gave me her number. who in their right mind wouldn’t follow up on that?

Well, there’s a lot to cover here so lemme hit you with some bullet points:

1)If monica was actually you’re “best friend” , she wouldn’t give a shit. I’m guessing she’s a best friend in the sense of grading on the “girl friend” curve. If you were to hold her to the same standards you do your male friends, would she pass? If she’s pulling shit like this ,probably not. I understand her desire to not have beef amongst her girl friends but the first hook up was harmless. It was a fluke. It’s not like you’re talking to that girl all the time, while scheming on the new one (I’m assuming. If you are, she’s got a point).This isn’t Monica’s issue to worry about. In the end, it all falls on your shoulders and how you handle it. IF you dog her friends out, she’s got a reason to not be happy with it, but if you act like an adult and handle your business, she needs to chill out.

2)I’ve got girls who I consider real friends and, when I was single, they wouldn’t give a shit if i fucked their friends. This is because a)they are legit friends and b) They wanted nothing to do with me personally. Meaning, there is no jealousy or resentment coming from them regarding who I put my penis inside of. This leads me to thinking with Monica has some deep down feelings for you (assuming you two haven’t already fucked, which would add a completely different layer to this whole thing) or she’s one of those annoying mother hen types who feels the need to lord over all her friends. Either way, again, not your problem.

3) Basically, do what you wanna do. You’re case is a fairly easy one to rationalize to a person (monica) who’s willing to hear you out. That case being:
“Hey monica, you’re friend is hot. i would like to date her. what happened between susan and I was nothing.”
If she doesn’t accept what you have to say she’s definitely holding onto issues with you deeper than just how you might effect her friendships. I dunno if it’s her feelings towards you, jealousy towards her friends or some other shit I don’t know about, but it’s something.
Basically, if she’s willing to end your friendship over something like this, fuck her. No one needs friends like that.

You’re a musician. You’re around musicians. Maybe you can help me understand what the fuck’s wrong with them. In particular, JAZZ musicians. Are they just not dateable? I’ve been swooning over this same dude for a while now and he keeps giving me mixed signals. He’ll be a wall one day, then flirty the next. We’ve slept together. Once. I thought women were the ones that were hard to understand. Should I just give up?

Musicians are indeed a tricky bunch. Whenever girls ask me if they should date a musician, I say “at your own risk”. This is cause most of them (us) are ego driven yet insecure and , in general, pretty fucked up individuals. That said, you’re not dating this dude at all and this problem has as much to do with him playing music as it does with him not fighting in world war II.
You’re giving me very little to go one here but judging from what we do know, I don’t think he’s into you. When I guy likes a girl , regardless of him being a musician or not, it’s not very hot or cold. If we’re down, we’re always down and it shows. ESPECIALLY in the beginning. If he’s only pursuing you sometimes, there’s a good chance he’s just in the mood during those moments. Since you’ve already had sex with him, I’d say it’s a fair guess that he doesn’t want to date you but isn’t opposed to fucking you a couple more times. Depending on how that suits you,act accordingly.

So I had a whole thing written about my situation and why this question is relevant but no one wants to read that shit. Top ten attributes to look for in a long term woman? Intended to be less of a question about physical appearance, but that of course is part of the love equation so that can’t be ruled out.

Honestly, I’m just gonna knock out the looks part cause it’ll take up like 7 of the attributes. Let’s just the physical aspects of women are a category of their own and definitely more of a varying topic amongst men. We all like something a little different . Personality traits however, are something I’d think most men can agree on. Here are ten I deem very important when looking for the long term girl

1)A level head
You’d be shocked how rare this is amongst women, in relation to dealing with men. Things like common sense go out the window when some girls get involved with guys. Being able to tame that altered beast that is your brain is a huge thing for guys. We just want to be able to reason with you and not have arguments based on emotion, as opposed to logic.

2)Don’t be corny
This one is subtle cause most people in general are kinda corny on some level. But , when you’re dating a girl, it’s one of those things that will eventually become the straw that breaks the camels back. I was once dating this girl years back. She was awesome. She was pretty, she was kind, she was trust worthy…but she was corny. She would consistently say things that would give me douche chills. It got to a point where I just knew there was a ceiling on that relationship cause I knew I could only handle so much of her corniness. When you’ve been with someone for an extended period of time, it’s those types of little personality faults that send you over the edge. So, people should always look to those warning signs early and cut them loose before it’s too late.

3)She’s gotta be Trustworthy
Dating a untrustworthy girl is the worst. Nothing fucks with a person’s insecurity issues like never feeling 100% confident that you’re girl won’t end up sucking some random dudes dick at the bar on any given drunken night out.

4)She’s gotta be sexy
Looks aren’t forever. We all decline over time and, more so, we get complacent with one another. But when a person is sexy, that lasts forever (or at least a lot longer than a hot face and body). Picking someone that you find sexy is of the upmost importance cause that’s gonna be what keeps you in it sexually.

5)She’s gotta get along with your friends
This is huge. Whenever I know a dude who’s girlfriend doesn’t get along with his friends, it’s destined for failure. If your friends don’t like your girlfriend, it’s not cause they’re jealous, it’s cause she sucks.
A good sign of a good girlfriend is if she legitimately gets along with your other female friends. They’re the harshest critics usually so winning them over is a feat in itself.

6)Don’t be petty
I’m not your homegirl. I don’t care about petty grievances.
Men want a girl who knows when to pick their battles. As dudes, we’re kinda programed to not really give a shit most of the time, concerning the small stuff. The things that bother girls,simply don’t bother us. So, an ideal girl is one who understands this and only makes an issue when there is an issue. Preferably, that’s never but none of us live on planet perfect so that’s not ever gonna happen.

7)Don’t be needy
Nothing will get a girl cut quicker than her being a needy asshole. Patrice O’neal once called it emotional rape and he’s right on the money. If you’re feeling under appreciated, it can be addressed , but calling a guy 50 times a day and keeping him on the phone while he’s out with his friends so you can whimper to him for 2 hours is unacceptable.

8)Do something/be active
Ideally, you’d like your significant other to try and exercise and not physically throw in the towel once they get comfortable. But, beyond that, you want your better half to have interests. She’s gotta wanna do stuff. Stuff that is separate from you. Her own shit. It sucks dating a girl who’s whole life is based on what you do. Being responsible for another’s fun is fucking annoying and draining. So, the perfect girlfriend has hobbies. Aspirations. Interests. You know, things that make people who they are. Honestly, it’s ironic I’m even saying that cause I really like doing about three things in the world. But trust, I REALLY love those things.

9) she’s able to chill
When it all comes down to it, you have to be friends with your girl. If you weren’t , she’d just be some girl your fucking. So, she’s gotta be able to chill the same way you chill. If I like watching TV, my girl has to like watching Tv. If you smoke mad weed, she should also enjoy weed. Down time makes up a huge percentage of the time you and girl spend together. If you two don’t share similar interests, that’s gonna lead to tons of stupid arguments that really are just a slow path to breaking up.

10)Shut up sometimes/respect our want to be silent
Sometimes, men just wanna zone out. Whether is to a TV show, sporting event or video games…that’s our time to be in our own heads. If a girl were to ask a dude to leave her alone for an hour while she watched the real housewives of of Transylvania , best believe we’d leave them be.
You know that thing when a bunch of people are watching a TV show and there is that one friend ignores this and is just blabbering on about some inane bullshit? Yeah. Well, girls sometimes do that when they feel under appreciated or bored. it’s okay at times but there are certainly situations where they just needs to read the signs and save that shit for later. A girl that can read those signs is definitely wifey least 1/10th wifey material.

If a girl has At LEAST 6 or 7 of these qualities (I’m leaning more towards 7), she’s a winner. 10 outta 10 is pretty unlikely and way tot high a standard to set for a person that you didn’t make with your computer , cut outs of fashion magazines and Anthony Michael Hall. Yes, Weird Science y’all. Get familiar.

Song of the day 6/27/11

Strictly for the ladies By Lord Finesse and Dj Mike Smooth

I choose today’s song for two reasons. one, cause it’s a dope song. Two, cause it’s probably the least “for the ladies” song ever made that was called “strictly for the ladies”.
This song has Finesse rapping about how he basically just wants to fuck. He talks about how strong his mind control game is as well as how there’s no way he’s trying to settle down. In fact,this song is a more honest look at male/female relationships then you’ll usually find from hip hop in the early 90’s.
Sure, he will “Knock your boots until he begins to sprout” but then he will forget you ever existed.
I dunno…when I think of the phrase “Strictly for the ladies” I think of syrupy slow jams played during the quiet storm , with candles lit and a foot massage on deck. You know, corny shit. That’s why this is so awesome. This could not be further from that. it’s a fairly hard beat and finesse doing what he does best…bragging. About getting girls.
So, if you are a lady, and this is for you…I salute you. You’re one down ass bitch.

Dickhead things to say

You know those little phrases that have somehow seeped into everyday speech? These are statements made simply to be made , that have no more value to them than making a fart noise with your mouth.
A few years ago, it was the horrible “Party like a rockstar” that was flying out the mouth of every drunk girl with an expensive handbag. While that saying has waned in popularity, there’s no shortage of other shitty dickheaded sayings that people can’t stop uttering. Let’s look a little deeper…

“I love my life”

This one gives me arctic douche chills every time I hear it. It’s a funny one cause , most of the time, the person saying it is really just crying for help. It’s usually some person , drunk at a club where they just spent $500 on a bottle. A bottle, I might add, that’s worth about 30 bucks. They’re acting as if they’re standing on a yacht surrounded by lingerie models with blow job addictions when in reality, they’re very likely hanging with a group of persian kids in terrible T-shirts pretending to have fun and acting as vagina repellant.
“I love my life” is something no one who actually loves there life would ever say. It’s something an unsure, insecure dickhead says. Like a daily affirmation for men who wear too much cologne and the women who date them.
I’d imagine, if studies were done, there’d be a direct correlation between people who say this phrase and people who weep in the shower.

“I didn’t come here to make friends”

This one doesn’t really happen in real life. This is special cause it’s strictly said on Reality tv shows involving a prize. Often, it will be the one flagrant asshole of the cast who says it, shortly after doing something completely despicable. This person obviously has a hard time discerning “Not making friends” with “being a the worst human being on the planet”. At no point should a person that says some shit like this not be getting punched in the mouth. His/her life should be a constant line up of people knocking them the fuck out…24 hours a day., 7 days a week. Kinda like this but with closed fists:

Here’s the thing , it is true. People who go on reality Tv shows are certainly not there to make friends. They are there to either win money, get some fleeting notoriety or a mixture of both. Even a reality show based on making friends would not involve people being there to make friends. However, to think you can just go through life (errr…fake life) just being a total cock sucker to everyone cause you’re soooooo focused on winning, is some bullshit. yes, I realize you’re on TV and this isn’t real but I gotta think anyone who does say or do this is a dickhead in real life. It’s like when an actor plays a character really well. You know, deep down, there is a part of that character within the actors actual personality. And reality show douche bags are no Daniel day lewis. They’re not even Anthony Michael Hall.

“I’m just a person who speaks their mind!”

This is what a person says when they are a loud mouth asshole and no one ever checks them on it. This too is used more often than not on reality TV shows by loud people who don’t listen. The same people who go the “Volume over reason” route when in an altercation. In other words, people who suck to be around.
Being honest and actually speaking your mind if one thing. But doing so without a filter is what is called “being an asshole”. If everyone did this all the time, no one would have any friends and we’d be constantly fighting each other. Say what you will about talking shit behind people’s back but some things people say about you, simply do not need to be said to your face. It sounds weird but there is a certain level of common decency to talking behind peoples backs…as long as that shit never gets to them.

“I’m just a sexual person”

This one is specific to girls. I feel like guys don’t say this shit too much…cause we’re not so much “Sexual” as we are horny. If a guy does say it, I’d guess he’s the type who likes to spread his legs extra wide while getting head , covered in scented oil and listening to Seal records.
Girls, though, LOVE this phrase. It’s really a thinly veiled way of saying “Hey, I like to fuck but I’m not a slut about it, right?”. That’s fine and all but here’s my issue. Who the fuck isn’t “a sexual person”? A virgin? Sure, I know there are people who are uncomfortable with all things sexual but the majority of people are “sexual” in that they like sex. That’s like a fat fuck declaring “I’m very appetite prone” instead of saying “I like eating food”. It’s some bullshit.
It’s also the kind of thing some old hippy woman will say when trying to maintain her sexuality way past it’s prime. I don’t doubt that she indeed likes sex but there are few things less sexually attractive than an old woman trying to be slutty.
I liken this phrase to girls who claim they give “The best blow jobs”. 10 out of 10 times that girl gives horrible head. Sometimes cause she doesn’t know what she’s doing but usually cause some boyfriend of hers happened to like getting his nut sack chewed on and she took his word as gospel. The numbers don’t lie, brah.

Many variations of “Why you gotta be a hater?”

There was a time when being a hater meant something. As a person who’s been called this more times than I can remember, allow me to clarify something.
At one point, “Hating” on something was not a totally negative concept. Sure, it was negative in the fact that you were bashing something but the purpose wasn’t to blindly shit on that thing. It was to point out fault in something that you genuinely see as a problem. Most likely, in something that other people seem to love. It was the Yin to Love’s Yang. It was simply having a critical eye. Sure, there’s a level of pessimism that goes with that line of thinking, but there’s also a healthy dose of reality that evens it out. We’re not supposed to blindly love everything. We’re supposed to question things. Play devil’s advocate a little. Otherwise, what’s the point of even having an opinion?

There are examples of people actually wrongly hating. Anyone in the music or movie business will tell you it’s common. People will shoot something down simply to make themselves feel better. Shit, even on a basic level…Ever hear a girl judge a prettier girls outfit? It’s insane. Real bad hating is when people are just grasping at straws with hopes of cutting someone else down to their level. So, to be clear, some hating is definitely petty.

The problem with today’s version of being a “hater” is that people use it as a scapegoat. Like talking badly about anything can simply be brushed off as hating, as opposed to actual criticism. It’s as if you can’t simply dislike something anymore. What the fuck is that about? As far as I’m concerned, everything is wack till proven otherwise , cause the world is surely full of more crap than gold. It’s not even close.
So, keep that hater shit to yourself…By calling someone a hater, you’re basically just hating on them having thoughts. Go fuck yourself.

“I’mma do me”

This phrase is only okay when a person is either striving for their goals or removing themselves from a shitty situation. If you’re dating some terrible asshole and you get out of that relationship cause you wanna “do you”, more power to you. But most of the time this phrase is said, it’s easily just translated to “I’m a selfish prick”. No more, no less. Much like the hater phrase, it’s a scapegoat. It’s people shirking any responsibility they have toward their fellow man. I will admit though , it does roll of the tongue nicely. So, you know, do you.

Answers for questions vol. 45

Bon Jour, bro. Vol. 45 coming at you. I’ve gotten lots of food questions lately. Not an issue but I’m beginning to think it’s cause I’m getting fat and that’s what people do to fat people. Ask them about food.
Anyway, I definitely need more questions so send them over to me: or leave them in the comments section below.
As usual, the stranger, the better.
On with it…

What are your top five favorite cities in the US and what was your favorite food you had there, and what is your staple food, that item you always try at a new place.

Loaded question right here…The thing about me and cities (or really traveling in general) is that I pretty much never get to spend anytime in most places. I’m in and out. So my view of them usually depends on the meal I had or the show I played. That said, lemme see what I come up with…but take this answer with a grain of salt. Gourmet rock salt, but salt nonetheless.

Best cities:
1)NYC (duh…)
Best food: Hard call but I guess it has to be the pizza by the slice. Other cities have stepped up their pizza a lot over the years but we still got the “by the slice” steeze down.
Why I like the city: I’m painfully biased but if you truly think any other city in America is fucking with NY, you don’t really like cities.

2)San Francisco
Best food: Mexican food. This may be cause the mexican in NYC is so half assed but whenever I go out west, I’m eating like 4 burrito’s a week.
Why I like the city: It’s just an overall awesome place. I recently spent the week there and had a great time. I got to explore it. My only beef with it is the hippyness but for a north western city, it’s not even THAT bad.

Best food: BBQ Austin a is city I’ve spent a decent amount of time in but never like a week straight. It’s lots of fun and the food, in general, is pretty awesome. The BBQ in texas is obviously top notch and the really dope places in Austin are actually like 30 minutes out of town but it still counts to me.
Why I like the city: People have fun in austin. I’m almost too old to enjoy it but they know how to party and the whole place seems to have a energy about it.

Best food: Hard to say. Chicago is one of those cities that I’ve been too a bunch of times but never for more than a day at a time. The food, in general, is outstanding. However, I’ve never had certain staples while there…deep dish, the hot dogs…so, I really can’t speak on it. It’s definitely a place I’d wanna go and eat like a fat sack of shit in all week.
Why i like the city: Well, it’s the closest thing to NYC in the country. So, that’s a big selling point for me. You can walk around it and it’s full of good food. Nothing wrong with that.

5)New Orleans
Best food: The muffaletta sandwich.
N.O. has food. Amazing food. I feel like a tourist even saying it but that Muffaletta sandwich is so fucking good I get erections thinking about it. If you don’t know what it is, look it up.
Why I like the city: This may sound corny but N.O. just has an authentic feel to it. Funny, considering it’s a huge tourist trap filled with frat boys drinking slushy drinks from 40 ounce pink cups. But , beyond that aspect, it’s just a cool ass place. Outside the people who come there for a year long Mardi gras, it’s got so much to it. Definitely a place I’d like to further explore in the future.

On a side note, If we were counting Canada as american, Montreal and maybe Toronto would both be on this list.

do you ever get creeped out that random people ask you hypothetical sex questions all the time? Has there ever been a question that just completely freaked you out?

Not at all. I love those questions. I wish I’d get more. Granted, some wander into silliness but they’re always fun to answer. So, yeah, ask more of these , people. I’m a huge fan of “Fuck, marry, kill” game…Don’t be shy.

Even if you don’t have a reality show, what about the Food Network? If they don’t have a show called “Dinner with Blockhead” then they’re missing a great opportunity

A food show with me would be pretty depressing. For one, you’ve probably never met a person who cooks less than me. I’m as worthless in a kitchen as a Kardashian sister. So, if I had a food show, it would involve me eating. Which is good cause it’s easily one of my greatest joys in life. But there’s another problem with that…I eat horrifyingly fast. Like , we both get served, you garnish you food , look up, and I’m already done. Unless the show was based around the horror on peoples faces when they eat with me, then I dunno if it would work.

How do you overcome crippling self-doubt?

This is more something for a shrink to answer…to be honest, I don’t have self doubt issues. So, me saying “Hey dude, stop being a pussy and get over it” really wouldn’t help anyone. But, yeah, get over it…Do what you have to do. If this self doubt is based on your art , to the point where it’s stifling your creative process, then why even bother? Being scared of rejection is natural but if you really want to be an artist then you’re entire job is dependent on putting yourself out there to be judged. Just make what you make and don’t think about how people will respond.

Hey Block, what do you think about guys who try to grow beards even though they suck at it (like me)? Is it a virtue that I really dont give a damn about what others think of my beard or am I just being a dumbass? I mean, I’ll never grow something like Jeremy Fish but hey, at least I can try right?

You’re fully entitled to try and grow a beard. However, just realize, when dudes who can’t grow facial hair try and defy their own genetics by doing so, the results tend to be pretty embarrassing. It ends up looking like that scene in Jackass 1 where they glued all the pubes to that guys face. It’s just not “right”. A better question would be “Why are you so set on needing to grow a beard? Is it that big a deal or do you need it for a reason? Double chin concealer? It’s just a beard. I couldn’t grow decent facial hair until I was like 30…and even now, it’s questionable. Some people just aren’t made to have beards. IF you’re not, except it and move on. I understand beards are cool now and girls like them but I think even girls that like a guy with a beard won’t be into the thin, spotty bullshit you probably got going on.

What is your favourite stand up session.

a) Eddie Murphy’s Raw or Delirious; b) Dave Chappelle’s killing them softly; or c) Martin Lawrence’s You So Crazy. or some other one. Those are the ones that come to mind for me, I know they’re all black and im not trying to be a reverse racist, those are just the funniest ones i can think of at the mo.

but is there some other comedian’s stand up special or whathaveyou that is your personal favourite?

Damn dude. You’re a total racist. How dare you like two black comedians?!?!?!
Those two are certainly classic. I listen to tons of stand up. It’s hard for me to really whittle down what my favorite session would be. on one hand, you have the classics: The two you mentioned, Chris rock’s first big special, Louis CK, even Jamie Foxxx’s “I might need a bodygaurd” is underrated. Then you got the lesser known one’s by Paul F Tompkins , Patton oswalt, Doug Stanhope and David cross. They’re all really good to me. To me, Cross’s “Shut up you fuckin’ baby” is some classic shit…I really like this dude Anthony Jesilnik’s first album “Shakespeare” too. Honestly, there are too many to mention. It’s just good that there’s so much solid stand up still going on.

shaving your balls–only necessary in porn or do the ladies prefer it? I know what I prefer on a woman, I assume they expect the same out of me.

Hmm…Balls. Here’s the thing about ball upkeep. As far as I’ve known, girls don’t love balls in general. They tolerate them. Sure, they may put them in their mouth at times but don’t get it twisted like the average girl is excited about your balls. She isn’t. They’re just along for the ride and your penis is the star (and even that statement is a stretch in reality)…so, take care of that pubic hair before you worry about your scrotum.
However , if you have balls that looks like captain caveman, then, yeah, you should probably handle that. But , if you’re just a normal dude with some fuzz or random hairs, then why bother? I say this cause I’d imagine a fuzzy nut sack is better than a stubbley one.

Random video’s I’m enjoying

Chances are, if you’re in America somewhere right now, you’re sweating. It’s hot as fuck outside. If you’re in somewhere like Minnesota , you very well may be bursting into flames right now.
So, not that the weather is an excuse, but I really have nothing planned for the blog today. Whenever this happens, I like to resort to just throwing up random youtube clips that I’m enjoying right now. As usual, a main source of all my internet findings is the message board, so shout out to that. So, yeah, here we go…

I’d like to set it off with a few clips of the underrated Terry Crews in the oft hated on movie “White Chicks”. He kills it in this movie and should be honored for his work:

Here’s a man freaking out over fireworks gone wrong:

I’m not really a Erykah Badu fan. She’s ok I guess but I find her music pretty boring. However, this clip is my shit cause
1)She seems like a fun performer and does a dope little drum break down
I now see why so many rappers have been fucked up by her. Props to her ass for sure.

Umm..this piece of shit sure knows how to make it rain

and to close it out, two clips from a movie I bought up last week “Rules of Attraction”. Is it good? I dunno. It is watchable? FUCK YEAH. there two scenes are my favorite though…(for some reason the embedding doesn’t work on these so…deal with it and click)
I honestly don’t know why the dude who plays “dick” isn’t the most famous actor alive.
I’m not sure if it’s true but someone told me all he says in this clip actually happened. I doubt it but it would be kinda cool if it was true.

Peep this Remix I did for Hail Mary Mallon

Oh, hey there…
So, I did a remix for the very awesome trio of Hail Mary Mallon (Aesoprock, Rob Sonic, and Dj Big Wiz) for their song “Meter Feeder”
Here’s a link to a streaming version:

And , if you like that and would like to own it, here’s where you can get it:

So, yah, cop that shit, bro.

Song of the day 6/21/11

Harlem World By Ol’ Dirty Bastard
This song was a bonus cut of ODB’s debut album and has long been my favorite song from that album. It’s pretty bugged out. Between the RZA’s sloppy, plodding beat and ODB’s dropping the last word of every line in his first verse, it gives you a nice look into the weirdness that was this album.
As an added bonus, here’s an old radio show clip of ODB on NYU radio where he actually raps the missing parts to the verses on this song. He also screams like a banshee and put his lunacy on full display. RIP to ODB cause he was truly one of a kind.
ODB live on NYU radio:

Funny fatties learn the hard way

The fat person in comedy has been a thing for as long as I can remember. Essentially, fat people are funny. The way they waddle and sweat brings tears of joy to your average movie fan. And why not? They are fat. The have chosen a life of food based hedonism and , with that choice, have opted to give all those around them the joy of comedy. Simple, visual, slap stick comedy.A truly selfless act , if you really think about it. But dark days are upon us…

It would appear the days of funny fatties might be coming to an end. Yes, in this day and age, apparently, being morbidly obese is now unhealthy. What kinda horse shit is that? Does the national board of health (that’s a thing, right?) really wanna take away such a comedic sure shot from us? They obviously have not seen the brilliant wit of Comedian Ralphie May as he make his way through jokes about being both death bed level fat AND a southern wigger. Comic gold. Or perhaps they missed the career on Kevin James? A man who’s fatness proceeds him in such a way that he seems to get roles on reputation alone. I mean, shit, that tubby bitch makes millions on movies where his co-stars are motorized animals and a mall all while never once in his life saying a single funny thing. Impressive.

I bring this all up cause I was recently watching the ESPY award. This is ESPN’s award for sports. Right when I turned it on, I saw basketball player Kevin Love come to give out an award, accompanied by an unfamiliar looking lesbian with matronly hips. I was confused cause , this is a big event and they don’t usually let unknown lesbians who look like they work at book stores hand out awards. However, then I heard the person talk and realized it was in fact the actor Jonah Hill. Holy shit. This dude looks like he dropped 100 pounds. On one hand, congrats. I’ve always liked him as an actor and I’m sure this is something he’s wanted to do. But, keep in mind, he’s the same guy who, in the movie “Funny people” told a recently slimmed down Seth Rogan that fat funny people should never lose weight cause then they are no longer funny. I know he didn’t write the script but it is kinda ironic.
Anyway, seeing the new slimmed down Jonah Hill got me thinking about what it must be like to be a hollywood fattie. I mean, if you go back and look at them, they haven’t faired very well. Most of the funny ones either die of a heart attack at a young age or OD on drugs (i suppose the hedonistic lifestyle doesn’t end at food). With this in mind, I applaud all the actors out there who’ve been able to better their health by dropping those pounds. I’m sure , because of this, people like Hill, Gervais, Rogan and even unfunny hacks like Horatio Sanz, will live longer lives. The problem is, much like plastic surgery that aging hollywood starlets get, it never looks “right”. Some people are just fat. Their parents were fat. Their kids will be fat. It’s in the genes. Going against nature just often doesn’t sit right.

Say you’re a former fat actor. You got roles based on
a)you were fat
b)you were a funny/competent actor
Now , you lose weight.
Now you’re no longer fat, so you’re not gonna get those “fat friend” roles. You’re also not exactly a handsome actor guy either so you’re not gonna get leading roles. You’ve now transformed yourself into a completely average looking normal guy. And where does that leave you? I feel like a guy like Hill will be OK cause he’s genuinely funny. But when a dude like Horatio Sanz or Ralphie May drops the pounds? It’s a wrap. In a way, it’s a good thing cause it takes away the hacks ability to be a hack. If they can’t rely on jokes about being fat or the physical comedy that goes along with being fat, it leaves them with the reality that they’re just a bum ass clown with no real talent.

Being a life time fat ass is a tough road to travel. Wanting to lose that weight is both a healthy and natural desire. Lord knows you don’t wanna be one of those 800 pound monsters that needs to be airlifted out their house when they eventually die from unchecked bed sores. But, comedians, be careful. I realize your health is more important than your career but just be aware that , when those pounds drop off, the calls may stop coming. So, unless you can live with a career in reality TV , you better be sure that you were funny first and fat second. Cause , if it’s the other way around, I’ll see you Celebrity fit club is the very near future.

(As an added bonus, I wrote too much about this and had to edit it out but I figured I’d share some positives and negatives of losing tons of weight)

Negative:The fat persons mind

For women, dumping mass amounts of weight is hard. You gotta hand it to them. I sure as hell can’t even drop five pounds if I try so when I see a crazy transformation in a girl, it’s always impressive. The down side of this , for both men and women. is that because they’ve been fat all their lives , they think like fatties. Meaning, they’re self esteem is all sorts of fucked up. I mean, fuuuuuuuucked up. The former fat girls, who are now desirable to men, still feel like that lonely piggy eating a tub of ice cream and watching the Real housewives. Same with the guys. They’ve lived a life of always being either “The friend” or “the funny guy”. Now that girls actually respond to them, it’s a different ball game. In many cases, it results in both the men and women settling well below what they should. They’re just happy to be getting the attention. Eventually, they figure it out and become sluts and scum bags like the rest of us but the relearning how to interact with people based on a new found attractiveness is some crazy shit. It’s a process.

Positive: Fat people have personality

Because they couldn’t rely on their looks to get by, farmer fatties have an advantage over your normal person. They have a highly developed personality. They’re funny, sensitive and generally just nice people. Throw on some good looks and you have jackpot girl/boyfriend material. It’s really the type of person that couldn’t exist without some pain and desperation in their lives. That kind of adversity can only make a strong person. It’s like the opposite of a formerly skinny/hot person who gets fat. Those people live their lives with a strange confidence cause , that’s how they were when they were skinny. When they realize they’re no longer the hot piece they once were, all hell breaks loose and they end up getting tummy tucks, stomach staples and all sorts of other medical procedures that make their bellies look like a cottage cheese burrito.

Negative: Skinny, but not skinny.

When you lose a ton of weight, the fat goes away. You may add muscle…or not. But what never goes away is that extra skin you have that used to contain all that gelatinous fat. Unfortunately, when a really fat person drops the pounds it leaves them with a stomach that looks like a loose ball sack, stretch marks and just an overall weird naked body. On top of that, there are certain ways the body sits on a fat person that get passed on. The fat mans’ posture, if you will. This is usually a blend of terrible shoulder posture, weird standing positions and knock knees. Look at Jonah Hill now if you need any reference cause that’s what he looks like.

Positive: A greater understanding of people

Now, I’ve never been obese or skinny so this is just a guess but I’d think that a person who’s seen how people react to them on both sides of the fence , knows a bit about human nature. I’d imagine a former fattie can read into people acting fake as well as anyone. They know what the brush off feels like. I’d imagine this skill would be very benificial to dealing with the opposite sex. It also might lead to some serious resentment to all those who treated them like shit in the past, but even that’s a plus cause you really see the real person you were dealing with. I realize this “gift” isn’t a huge selling point but I think it’s a nice insight to have.