As you may know, I’m a licensed psychologist of the heart (No, I’m not) and my help has been sought out all over the world (No, it hasn’t).
Okay, to be honest, I’m a college drop out with no education beyond knowing the multiplication tables and kinda knowing when I’ve written a run-on sentence. That said, I have been known to give good advice and that’s what this is about. Who needs an education when you have common sense and well balanced sense of right and wrong.
As usual, if you have more inquiries like the ones below, send them to my email: firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in comments below. All submissions are kept private and treated like gold. I promise.
Anyway, here goes this weeks questions:
i have this friend monica. she is practically my best friend. a couple of weeks ago we went out
and she was buying a bunch of shots. her friend susan was there. somehow we all ended up
back at my apartment and i ended up sleeping with susan in my roommates room (he was out of town and monica fell
asleep on my bed). before the next morning had even rolled around i had this intense feeling of regret. i
don’t like this chick and i don’t want her to think anything is between us.
a couple of weeks later we are all out again but this time they brought their friend jessica.
she of course is super hot and what not. i end up getting her number before the end of the night (god knows how)
and we make plans to hang out. monica freaks out on me. she thinks i’m being a pig going after the friend of the girl i just slept with. what i really am asking is, is it wrong for me to go after jessica? since when does one drunken hook up equally the equivalent of a long term relationship? pretty much monica has a huge conflict of interest because what she is really worried about is her friends fighting or some shit like that. but i haven’t even hung out with jessica yet. do i call her and risk having monica mad at me and susan being all butt hurt or do i just let it go.
last note, despite what monica thinks, i’m not going after jessica out of spite. she is mad hot and she gave me her number. who in their right mind wouldn’t follow up on that?
Well, there’s a lot to cover here so lemme hit you with some bullet points:
1)If monica was actually you’re “best friend” , she wouldn’t give a shit. I’m guessing she’s a best friend in the sense of grading on the “girl friend” curve. If you were to hold her to the same standards you do your male friends, would she pass? If she’s pulling shit like this ,probably not. I understand her desire to not have beef amongst her girl friends but the first hook up was harmless. It was a fluke. It’s not like you’re talking to that girl all the time, while scheming on the new one (I’m assuming. If you are, she’s got a point).This isn’t Monica’s issue to worry about. In the end, it all falls on your shoulders and how you handle it. IF you dog her friends out, she’s got a reason to not be happy with it, but if you act like an adult and handle your business, she needs to chill out.
2)I’ve got girls who I consider real friends and, when I was single, they wouldn’t give a shit if i fucked their friends. This is because a)they are legit friends and b) They wanted nothing to do with me personally. Meaning, there is no jealousy or resentment coming from them regarding who I put my penis inside of. This leads me to thinking with Monica has some deep down feelings for you (assuming you two haven’t already fucked, which would add a completely different layer to this whole thing) or she’s one of those annoying mother hen types who feels the need to lord over all her friends. Either way, again, not your problem.
3) Basically, do what you wanna do. You’re case is a fairly easy one to rationalize to a person (monica) who’s willing to hear you out. That case being:
“Hey monica, you’re friend is hot. i would like to date her. what happened between susan and I was nothing.”
If she doesn’t accept what you have to say she’s definitely holding onto issues with you deeper than just how you might effect her friendships. I dunno if it’s her feelings towards you, jealousy towards her friends or some other shit I don’t know about, but it’s something.
Basically, if she’s willing to end your friendship over something like this, fuck her. No one needs friends like that.
You’re a musician. You’re around musicians. Maybe you can help me understand what the fuck’s wrong with them. In particular, JAZZ musicians. Are they just not dateable? I’ve been swooning over this same dude for a while now and he keeps giving me mixed signals. He’ll be a wall one day, then flirty the next. We’ve slept together. Once. I thought women were the ones that were hard to understand. Should I just give up?
Musicians are indeed a tricky bunch. Whenever girls ask me if they should date a musician, I say “at your own risk”. This is cause most of them (us) are ego driven yet insecure and , in general, pretty fucked up individuals. That said, you’re not dating this dude at all and this problem has as much to do with him playing music as it does with him not fighting in world war II.
You’re giving me very little to go one here but judging from what we do know, I don’t think he’s into you. When I guy likes a girl , regardless of him being a musician or not, it’s not very hot or cold. If we’re down, we’re always down and it shows. ESPECIALLY in the beginning. If he’s only pursuing you sometimes, there’s a good chance he’s just in the mood during those moments. Since you’ve already had sex with him, I’d say it’s a fair guess that he doesn’t want to date you but isn’t opposed to fucking you a couple more times. Depending on how that suits you,act accordingly.
So I had a whole thing written about my situation and why this question is relevant but no one wants to read that shit. Top ten attributes to look for in a long term woman? Intended to be less of a question about physical appearance, but that of course is part of the love equation so that can’t be ruled out.
Honestly, I’m just gonna knock out the looks part cause it’ll take up like 7 of the attributes. Let’s just the physical aspects of women are a category of their own and definitely more of a varying topic amongst men. We all like something a little different . Personality traits however, are something I’d think most men can agree on. Here are ten I deem very important when looking for the long term girl
1)A level head
You’d be shocked how rare this is amongst women, in relation to dealing with men. Things like common sense go out the window when some girls get involved with guys. Being able to tame that altered beast that is your brain is a huge thing for guys. We just want to be able to reason with you and not have arguments based on emotion, as opposed to logic.
2)Don’t be corny
This one is subtle cause most people in general are kinda corny on some level. But , when you’re dating a girl, it’s one of those things that will eventually become the straw that breaks the camels back. I was once dating this girl years back. She was awesome. She was pretty, she was kind, she was trust worthy…but she was corny. She would consistently say things that would give me douche chills. It got to a point where I just knew there was a ceiling on that relationship cause I knew I could only handle so much of her corniness. When you’ve been with someone for an extended period of time, it’s those types of little personality faults that send you over the edge. So, people should always look to those warning signs early and cut them loose before it’s too late.
3)She’s gotta be Trustworthy
Dating a untrustworthy girl is the worst. Nothing fucks with a person’s insecurity issues like never feeling 100% confident that you’re girl won’t end up sucking some random dudes dick at the bar on any given drunken night out.
4)She’s gotta be sexy
Looks aren’t forever. We all decline over time and, more so, we get complacent with one another. But when a person is sexy, that lasts forever (or at least a lot longer than a hot face and body). Picking someone that you find sexy is of the upmost importance cause that’s gonna be what keeps you in it sexually.
5)She’s gotta get along with your friends
This is huge. Whenever I know a dude who’s girlfriend doesn’t get along with his friends, it’s destined for failure. If your friends don’t like your girlfriend, it’s not cause they’re jealous, it’s cause she sucks.
A good sign of a good girlfriend is if she legitimately gets along with your other female friends. They’re the harshest critics usually so winning them over is a feat in itself.
6)Don’t be petty
I’m not your homegirl. I don’t care about petty grievances.
Men want a girl who knows when to pick their battles. As dudes, we’re kinda programed to not really give a shit most of the time, concerning the small stuff. The things that bother girls,simply don’t bother us. So, an ideal girl is one who understands this and only makes an issue when there is an issue. Preferably, that’s never but none of us live on planet perfect so that’s not ever gonna happen.
7)Don’t be needy
Nothing will get a girl cut quicker than her being a needy asshole. Patrice O’neal once called it emotional rape and he’s right on the money. If you’re feeling under appreciated, it can be addressed , but calling a guy 50 times a day and keeping him on the phone while he’s out with his friends so you can whimper to him for 2 hours is unacceptable.
8)Do something/be active
Ideally, you’d like your significant other to try and exercise and not physically throw in the towel once they get comfortable. But, beyond that, you want your better half to have interests. She’s gotta wanna do stuff. Stuff that is separate from you. Her own shit. It sucks dating a girl who’s whole life is based on what you do. Being responsible for another’s fun is fucking annoying and draining. So, the perfect girlfriend has hobbies. Aspirations. Interests. You know, things that make people who they are. Honestly, it’s ironic I’m even saying that cause I really like doing about three things in the world. But trust, I REALLY love those things.
9) she’s able to chill
When it all comes down to it, you have to be friends with your girl. If you weren’t , she’d just be some girl your fucking. So, she’s gotta be able to chill the same way you chill. If I like watching TV, my girl has to like watching Tv. If you smoke mad weed, she should also enjoy weed. Down time makes up a huge percentage of the time you and girl spend together. If you two don’t share similar interests, that’s gonna lead to tons of stupid arguments that really are just a slow path to breaking up.
10)Shut up sometimes/respect our want to be silent
Sometimes, men just wanna zone out. Whether is to a TV show, sporting event or video games…that’s our time to be in our own heads. If a girl were to ask a dude to leave her alone for an hour while she watched the real housewives of of Transylvania , best believe we’d leave them be.
You know that thing when a bunch of people are watching a TV show and there is that one friend ignores this and is just blabbering on about some inane bullshit? Yeah. Well, girls sometimes do that when they feel under appreciated or bored. it’s okay at times but there are certainly situations where they just needs to read the signs and save that shit for later. A girl that can read those signs is definitely wifey material..at least 1/10th wifey material.
If a girl has At LEAST 6 or 7 of these qualities (I’m leaning more towards 7), she’s a winner. 10 outta 10 is pretty unlikely and way tot high a standard to set for a person that you didn’t make with your computer , cut outs of fashion magazines and Anthony Michael Hall. Yes, Weird Science y’all. Get familiar.