Dear Squatter girl…



(not an actual photo of the girl I’m talking about…but close enough)

Dear squatter girl chilling outside of Duane Reade,

Hi there. I’m sorry, I don’t know your name so I hope you don’t mind if I just refer to you as “Piece of shit”, as you are basically a living and breathing embodiment of fecal matter in form of a 21 year old white girl.

So, how’s it going Piece of shit? I’ve noticed you hanging out on my corner for a few weeks now. You tend to post up against the wall, with a beautifully written sign (your calligraphy is quite impressive) asking people for change. By your side, as always, is your lovely dog. He seems happy enough. I often see you either doing drawings or writing in a journal of sorts. I’m glad you can find time to be creative in such an apparent dire time in your life. Lord knows, when it comes to real homeless people, creative expression is of the upmost importance. In fact, it’s rare you see a vagrant without an easel within arms reach. That’s because, being homeless isn’t about hard times or a last option. No, it’s about exploring the world and doing so without having to answer to anyone. totally. You’re the new millenium version of the classic train hoppin’ hobo from the 50’s , armed with only a harmonica and twinkle in your eye.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to shoot the shit with you for a bit.You don’t seem very busy so now’s as good a time as ever. I gotta say, I’m impressed with your spirit. You no doubt retire under a bridge every night and sleep with one eye open. Such is the life of people as downtrodden as you. I don’t doubt there is some horrific story of how you got to this point. Certainly , you’re not from a wealthy suburban family. Definitely not…You definitely didn’t leave home and move to new york to come to art school, thinking your artistic talent would pay the bills immediately. And there’s no way you’re doing this to get back at your uptight (but ultimately loving) dad who really wishes you had just gone to college like your siblings. surely, there is no open door policy for their daughter. No, you’re alone. Locked out from the family cause they simply could not understand you. I bet your high school art teacher understood you.

I’ve noticed though that , while you appear to be a bum through and through, you appear to have been able to maintain some things that most people in your situation would have abandoned a long time ago. Let’s list them:

1)A dog
Now, if you were really as down and out as you would like to appear, that little guy would more likely be food then a companion. By having him with you, sure, you get to live your Rin Tin Tin life fantasy but you’re also begging for two mouths to feed. Perhaps him being there inspires sympathy from passer-byers. In fact, he’s probably the homeless equivalent of a child star…and you are his stage mom. Well done. But just remember, if you’re ever really hungry, you can sell that motherufucker. China town is only 30 minutes away.

2)personal style
Usually, when a person hits rock bottom, all superficial things fall to the side. But, such is not the case with you. You somehow manage to look like a person who might work in a thrift store in Greenpoint. And your hair! It’s dyed perfectly! I’ve long said that the true sign of poverty and despair is someone who can get their hands on “Manic panic” against all odds. Also, nice kicks. I was gonna buy those but they were a bit expensive. But , you know, some of us have bills to pay! By the way…That tattoo you got is fantastic. A full sleeve! Who needs food when you can have a full sleeve? Not you, Piece of shit.

3)Piercing upkeep

Listen, I know you don’t have health insurance. But I must commend you on keeping all those body and facial pierces clean. That’s gotta be difficult with all the dirt you must roll in. Germs are everywhere…especially in pocket change. I don’t suppose soup kitchens are handing out hydrogen peroxide now, are they? Well, whatever the case, that cheek ring look wonderful.

4)Nice phone!

Is that the new droid?Shit…I want one of those. But the plans are kinda expensive. You must have got an awesome deal at one of those secret hobo swap meets I’m always hearing about. I feel like texting and friends are two things that go hand in hand with being homeless. If there’s one thing homeless people have, it’s social options.

All those great things going on for you. Not to mention, you’re young. The world is in the palm of your hands. All that’s missing is a roof!
The other day, I saw some dimwitted person offer you food. Cause, you know, homeless people tend to be hungry. You asked him if it was vegetarian. Sadly, it was not. You respectfully declined and , i swear, i could have seen your dog mime blowing his own brains out with a shotgun. I wonder if he’s a vegetarian too?

I often find myself wondering “what does Piece of shit do with her day?”
Surely , there are only so many free glass blowing symposiums to attend in one day. And a coffee shop can only take up so much of one persons day. Do you wander? You must meet all sorts of great people. Other squatters, just like you. With bank cards and college Id’s. Oh the tales you must share! I bet one of you has even seen a fist fight. In a way, I envy your bohemian approach to life. Why walk on the lame busy road, when you can dip through the enchanted forest and really experience what life has for you. It’s not like this lifestyle puts you in harms way. Fuck no! you’re a 21 year old white girl who weighs about 105 pounds. You’re unbreakable.

So, yeah, Piece of shit. I wish you the best of luck in your travels. Whether it be across this great country of ours or back to brooklyn when the Pratt dorms reopen this fall. Do me a solid and keep an eye out for your fellow homeless brethren. They no doubt have accepted you with open arms and would only want to best for you. Although, I’d imagine they’re are also wary that the day will soon come when you spread your wings, go back home to your wealthy parents, go back to school , get a job , get married and have kids who eventually go to private school in new england. But , until that day, stand strong, Piece of shit. Oh…but could you do me a solid and get the fuck off my corner? You and your dog smell like a corpse’s vagina.

With Love and respect,

Tony

25 thoughts on “Dear Squatter girl…

  1. Homelessness is a serious problem that plagues many cities. She may take care of herself a little better than others, and she may just want to care for an animal that otherwise might not be able to care for itself. For all you know, she might actually be at the very start of her homelessness. Check back in with her in six months, and her condition may be a lot worse than… ah fuck it. I can’t do it anymore. She’s obviously some super-insecure hipster piece of trash. Let her rot.

  2. Fuck those people. I worked in the Haight-Ashbury earlier this year and one day as I was walking to my $10/hr. job (walking because I didn’t have two dollars cash for the bus, so you know a 45-minute walk through the hills of San Francisco will suffice) I passed a couple of these “squatters.” I was also in front of a check cashing place and heard one of them say to the other “Hold up, I just gotta get a couple hundred bucks right quick.” His piece of shit friend politely reminded him that he only had an hour left on the parking meter, suggesting that he get more change. Later that day I see a buddy hanging outside my shop so I stepped out for a cigarette. In no time at all I was accosted by these same two street urchin, one asking for a cigarette, the other (the guy who just got a “couple hundred dollars right quick”) asked me for money. Needless to say I told them to fuck off, among other things, and I suggested they go back to their families in Orange County. They got kinda snippy but ultimately couldn’t say shit because I was right. As they walked away I heard one of them say “How’d he know we were from OC?” Anyway, it’s these people that make me never ever consider giving even a penny to any homeless who looks under 40. Glad to know there are others out there who feel the same way.

  3. gotta get a pic of this chick some how and post it up. I gotta see if its something that I would want to have sex with. rember i would of nail whinehouse…

  4. Herionehouse? lol jk. Block, you GOT to print like 200 copies of this letter and unleash them all over your corner. I would if I was anywhere near NY, but seeing as I’m in colorado.. makes it kinda difficult. But for real.

  5. Good grief. Shakes head…Here goes my “panhandler story”.

    So on my 21st birthday some odd years ago I saw a shirtless guy sitting on the wall that separates the boardwalk and sand of the beach here in Pensacola.He was alone just playing a Jim-bay drum. I had nothing better to do than sit a fair distance away and listen to him play, which then led to him introducing himself to me..and bumming a smoke.We spoke for a bit and i went on my way, he seemed harmless and slightly interesting.Well traveled.
    (which i’ll add , i don’t mind giving a people “a smoke” cuz it just means i am secretly getting away with being a part of your later demise)

    Anyway, everyday thereafter the guy would be on the beach and would eventually see me, whether i was hauling beach chairs for work, or if i was hanging with my skin cancer oblivious pals.He approached us everyday.And every time it was the same damn thing, can i have a smoke, can i have a beer, hey someone give me their money and ill walk across the street and buy your beer for you….(Uh no). Months went by and i witnessed him do this to every group of people everyday all day and eventually at the bars i frequented. Always using the same “hey i wanna meet new people im a pretty cool guy method”, or to females, the flattery ensued.

    Then in September I see him get into drivers side of a fairly new Toyota Tacoma or something along those lines.It was stacked with what looked like camping gear. He drove away..i didnt see him again…until THE NEXT FUCKING SPRING! Where he began the entire cycle all over again!!

    As im sure you can guess local people had caught on to his bullshit. But that didn’t stop the bastard from observing and hunting down the tourists.
    This had gone on every year since ,except for 2010, we didn’t see him last summer. Then this April, i drive down to my local convenient store , which is located at an interstate exist…..and there the fucker is! With a coffee can and a giant (gorgeous i might add) white wolf in tow. Dirty, dreadlocked..and i could smell him from a good 20 ft. I was fuming, i had to know…what the fuck was the deal..he was 32 when i met him and it had been 7 years..man you gotta be 39-40 fucking years old! So i asked him.. “Dude really? What the fuck are you doing? How could this lifestyle possibly be working out for you?” This is is what he said. “Oh, man you wouldn’t believe how gullible people are, i make at least 2 to 3 hundred dollars a day. I have a house and a nice car and no worries”

    YOU WHAT????? Your fucking kidding me!! I have 2 fucking college degrees and i cant get a fucking job in this town that pays over 100 or so dollars a day..but you.. you fuck!! You sit here drinking beers in the shade asking people for their hard earned American currency and don’t have a fucking care in the world! And you cant even take a fucking bath? I wanted to take him by his disgusting assed dreadlocks and strangle him until his last breath right there in the parking lot..right in front of my neighbors.

    • I read a story once where a homeless guy in, I believe Seattle, bought a million dollar home from years of pan-handling. Of course, the IRS took it away immediately as he’d never paid taxes on any of it.

      So yeah, if this guy gets under your skin THAT much…there are always avenues to take.

      • There’s some documentary I saw where they gave a homeless dude $50, 000 to fix his life up. He did okay for a month or so but eventually spent it all on cars and booze and was back on the street within 6 months. Bummer…
        but this isn’t about those types. This is about privileged kids from decent homes who CHOSE to live this stupid fucking lifestyle. I’m not mad, I just think they are morons and deserve to be ridiculed.

  6. You don’t need to make copies of this. Just write the url down on a piece of paper and give it to her. Her phone probably has internet. (Unlike yours, is that what this is really about?)

  7. Yea, i got what you were saying Mr Salmon about the “whoa is me my parents are terrible ill go put myself through shit to rebel’.. or whatever. But i just felt compelled to share my frustration.

  8. I live in providence RI and you just described about 75% of RISD and rebellious Brown students here. Aka the poorest looking wealthiest people ever. Ugh.

  9. A know a guy who decided to work a freeway off ramp for a day just to see how much he could make by begging. He was there for about an hour when a cop pulled up and told him he wasn’t allowed to stand there. Made him go to another off ramp a few blocks away. He worked for about two hours or so and made over a hundred dollars. I can only imagine what people pull in doing this shit all day.

  10. hhaahha! every time 1 of those fucks asks me for change..i say” what r u gunna give me motherfucker? this 1 dude got mad & called me a bleeding cunt…he was likely withdrawing from heroin or something.

  11. names bishop.
    squatter from texas.
    i live the way i live because i hate the monetary system.
    why should i be a wage slave?
    if you wanna go to a job you hate every day, just to give your hard earned money away, just so you can live, be my guest.

    but dont hate on me for wanting to be happy.
    i live on about 5 bucks a day.
    i dont drink, i dont smoke, so fuck you all.

    spare any truth, assholes?

    why dont you fucking stand up for your rights?

  12. Haha I’m glad you re-posted this. I have my own Squatter Girl now, and she sits by Wholefoods with a nice chalk board sign, signing terribly out of key, and constantly demanding change, cigarettes and a light. Glad to see the movement is strong across the country.

  13. this is insane, I heard of these lazy cunts but didnt think they were doing this well panhandling and begging for change and shitty tobacco

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