A question for my peoples on Twitter


I was thinking today that my Twitter account (@blockheadnyc) might be a shock to the system for some of my more casual fans. If you only know about me through my instrumental albums or work with rappers, I suppose you’d expect my twitter activity to be fairly somber , if not downright depressing.
Instead, I like to use it as a platform to make jokes (as well as promote my music and this blog). The problem is, I forget that lots of people don’t want to hear jokes form a semi-obscure underground hip hop producer. So, I’m asking you for your thoughts. Please answer the poll honestly. I’m curious to see what’s what about this whole situation. It’s kind of a twitter report card of sorts. Keep in mind, I have no intention of changing my ways but it’s nice to know where peoples heads are at…

F#ck/Kill/Marry Vol. 2


Back by popular demand, Fuck/kill/marry. Thanks for all of those who sent in options. I Will be slowly working my way through them. I got so many, in fact, that I would appreciate it if you stopped sending them for now. At the rate this column is gonna get published, I got enough to last me for about 5 months.Anyway, let’s get into it…

Let’s start slow…
Fuck/Kill/Marry: Mila Kunis/Natalie Portman/Kristin Bell

Kill:Natalie Portman

To be clear, I fucking love me some Portman. I mean, she’s been one of my favorites for a while. However, because I’m basing this on current situations, and this is serious fuck/marry/kill business, thus she’s gotta go. She just had a baby. Meaning, I doubt she can even fuck. Also,I’m certainly not marrying her just to take on some dancing dudes sloppy seconds AND raising his kid. For those reasons alone, she gets the kill switch. I’m sorry Natalie. You were once so great.

Marry: Mila Kunis

Aside from having possibly the best face ever, she actually seems like a cool person. I can overlook her dating Macaulay Culkin for 8 years cause, in a way that turns me on. It makes me think “damn, if she fucked that dude for 8 years, I’m gonna tear that shit up”. She’d have to get over me thinking Family guy is overrated but otherwise, I think we’d get along great. So, without question, she gets the ring on the finger.

Fuck: Kristen Bell

She’s tiny and cute. Sure, I’d take Portman over her in a heartbeat like a year ago but we can’t live in the past. I may have told this story before but whatever. When I was 11, my brother in law, who’s this crazy french dude, told me “ALways date short girls. they’re easy to move around on”. I had no idea what he was talking about. Years later I got it and he wasn’t wrong…but he was also talking about my 5’2” sister so that’s kinda gross. Anyway, Bell seems like fun and would definitely be a good time, so why not?

Fuck marry kill:
Whitney Houston circa 1990.
Paula Abdul during the 80’s to 90’s.
Jennifer Lopez, but during her time as a fly girl.

fuck: Jennifer Lopez

Straight up (no Paula Abdul pun intended) , she was the hottest. Therefor, I would want to have sex with her the most. Part of me thinks I should put her as the one I’d marry but I also have a feeling she is and always was an insufferable cunt. The only difference between now and then is that now she’s rich and then she was trying to fuck her way to the top.
As good as sex with young J-lo might be, hearing her whine and be a terrible person simply doesn’t merit putting a ring on her finger.

Marry:Whitney Houston

First off, I bet she was fun in 1990. She was still fairly fresh faced and probably only getting drunk. I can live with that. She’s a tad skinny for my taste but she’s always had a pretty face. I suppose, once the coke habit begun, I’d be out but that’s neither here nor there.

Kill: Paula Abdul

80’s/90’s paula abdul was never hot to me. She was shaped like a toaster over and wore the same shoulder pads that walter payton probably did but she rocked them under a dinner jacket. I know that was the style back then, but even during that era, it bugged me. Not to mention, I always thought she looked like Jambi from Pee wee’s Playhouse. I also just think she kinda sucks in general…and Arsenio hit that. Eww…

Fuck/marry/kill: Susan Boyle, Chaz Bono (pre-surgery), Casey Anthony

Kill: Susan Boyle

I just couldn’t fuck or marry her. I’m sure she’s a sweet old lady but she looks like Mrs. Doubtfire and her vagina probably has soot in it. To be fair, I’d put her to death peacefully. Like with pills or a Guillotine.

Fuck: Casey Anthony

When playing a game like fuck/marry/kill there is no time for having morals. Sure, she’s a murderer. She’s possibly one of the worst people ever. But you know what? She’s kinda fuckable. Sorry…she is. Not in a “I actually would” sense but if I saw her at a bar, didn’t know who she was and she was being bout it bout it, I’d probably do it (assuming I was single obviously. Hi GF!). This is also a case of who she’s against. There’s no way I’d put my penis anywhere near the other two so she’s the obvious answer.

Marry: Chaz Bono

Shocking, huh? Well, guess what? I think it would be awesome. There would be no want of sex coming from either of us. It would basically be like having a roommate. I’d imagine we could both go out and do our thing. She’d be my bro. We’d talk about pussy and hi-five a lot. I could even tell people she was Jonah Hill from a year ago. Sounds like the perfect marriage to me.

Fuck/marry/kill TLC

Kill: Left Eye

I mean, why split hairs about three pretty girls when I can just let this one rest. She’s already dead so , at least, I’d feel less guilty about hypothetically deading her myself.

Marry:T-boz

She was always my favorite anyway and , after seeing her in interviews and whatnot, she’s even better than I had initially thought. She’s a normal person. I like that. Sure, she has the singing voice of a transexual with a head cold but I’m sure I could get over that.

Fuck: Chilli

You know, Chilli is hot. Even to this day. Unfortunately, she’s also one of those “My pussy is special” types who brings way to much god into the bedroom. For that reason , i’d like to get a hate fuck off on her. I watched her VH1 show and she was a pretty shitty person in general. I couldn’t marry a person like that. I could , however, fuck a person like that. After all, We’ve all fucked a few awful people in our lives. I’ve certainly done way worse than Chilli.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Snookie, the bald chick from the voice, Roseanne Barr

Fuck: Snooki

This pick speaks volumes about who the other choices are. I find Snooki to be fucking disgusting. I’ve actually gotten in heated discussions with people about how unfuckable she is. But, when put up against these other two, you gotta do what you gotta do. I would certainly be taking a long shower after this one.

Kill: Roseanne Barr

She’s cranky, Old and busted. I’m not about to marry her cause I feel like she’s one of those old broads who gets horny and the thought of her coming on to me makes by balls ache. So, sorry Roseanne, you gotta go.

Marry:The Bald chick from “The Voice”

I know you guys are trying to set me up here by throwing these man-like women at me but I got you on this one. Much like Chaz Bono above, I’d marry her and just kick it like I would with my homeboys. We’d eat BBQ together and I could watch her wrestle alligators or whatever the fuck lesbian rednecks like to do. It’s all good. It would be like living a with a sensitive Jim Norton.

Fuck/marry/kill Sookie Stackhouse- That Redhead Vampire – Tara

Fuck: Sookie Stackhouse

She’s annoying but she’s got a tight little body. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve always wanted to bone Anna Paquin (since she’s been an adult, bro) so this wouldn’t be an issue. That goofy , gap toothed faced is strangely attractive to me. And also, she’s a fairy. Fairy pussy must be fucking insane.

Marry: JEssica (the red haired Vampire)

I love this girl. I want to take her hand in marriage outside of this game. Sure, in this situation, she’s a virgin vampire with a hymen that constantly re-heals but, whatever, it would be worth it. Although vampire blow jobs are a daunting prospect.

Kill: Tara

There are few characters on TV I dislike more than Tara on True Blood. Pretty much every week, I sit there hoping they will finally kill her off. This imaginary game is my retribution. It would be like one of those movie scenes where the person beats another to death but is so nuts he just keeps going way past the point of return, until like 5 dudes have to pull him off the other persons lifeless body. I would have a rage boner.

Trending topics Vol. 53 VMA’s edition


This week, ALaska and I make fun of the easiest thing on earth to make fun of: MTV’s Video music awards. Yes, the worst thing on tv that is also pretty fucking watchable.
http://www.syffal.com/2011-mtv-video-music-awards-trending-topics

PS:I don’t even know who the girl is in the above pic but she’s in front of a VMA sign and kinda hot so she’ll do.

Answers for Questiona Vol. 49


Sup everyone. Back again with more questions you desire to be answered. Feel free to email me more (phatfriendblog@gmail) or leave them in the comments below but I’m good for the few weeks as you guys have been really good about sending questions the last week or so. Thanks for that. Especially with the fuck/marry/kill options. In fact , please stop sending those. I have enough to last me for a few months. anyway, here goes:

I’d like to hear you sound off about
1) farmer’s markets
2) upstate d-bags that know everything about absolutely nothing
3) that flash mob beat down crew in Philly and the riots in London

1)Farmers markets: Have I portrayed myself so badly that something as harmless as a “farmer’s market” deserves to be in my crosshairs? probably but that’s still kinda depressing. To be honest, I’ve only been to like 2 or 3 in my life. It’s fresh fruit and veggies. Nothing wrong with that. I’m sure , within the inner working of the farmer’s market societies there are all sorts of smug assholes who brag about who has the best squash this season and who has been cheating on their apple cider recipes but that really doesn’t concern me. The only thing I will say is if you’re the type who goes to farmer’s markets and act as if that makes you in anyway special, you suck. You’re in the same realm as the “Oh, I don’t even own a Tv” people. No one cares about your life choices so just roll with them and shut the fuck up about it.

2)Upstate douche bags: I’m not 100% on what this is about cause I’ve never heard anyone (at least in the city) complain about people from upstate NY. That disdain is usually reserved for long island and jersey people. I have heard rumbling of all these little towns upstate that have been over run by fleeing NY/BK hipsters. Apparently, they’re moving to these small towns and making them all cool with all sorts of galleries, vegan restaurants and bars. If I were a native of those towns, I’d be pretty fucking pissed that all the shit I moved there to get away from was invading my little town. Basically, if sounds like we (the nyers) are the douche bags in that situation.

3)Flash mobs beat down crew/london riots
I like how these two got grouped together. anyway, the riots seem , like most riots, pretty fucking reckless and without purpose. I know they started for a reason but they certainly didn’t remain happening for that same reason. I saw a video clip of some dudes helping some bloodied up kid get up after being beaten down and , while helping him up, robbing him. Cool revolution, bro.
As for flash mob beat down crews, I know nothing about them except that I’d like to video’s of it happening. I’ve always felt unwanted dancing should be ended with swift and brutal violence.

Question: Herpes…if you had to have it.(not like a need to have it but like there was no choice in the matter). Mouth or Genitals? Reason for choice? That is all for now.

I chuckled to myself at the idea of “Having to have herpes” like it’s a purse and I’m one of the real housewives of Abu Dhabi. I gotta have it!
Anyway, I would certainly choose mouth. Sure, it would leave a glaring admission to the virus on my face a few times a year but that beats having to tell every girl you fuck that “hey, I have herpes”. That must ruin a sexual moment like an awkwardly whispered “Um…so..uh..should I got get a condom?” times a thousand. As much as my face is important , and I think I’m not alone in this, men don’t like dick issues. We want things running smoothly down there at all times. I’ve had ingrown hairs that made me think I was dying of monkey pox simply cause they were on my dick. I can deal with a cold sore for a week every now and then. It would suck but at least it wouldn’t interfere with my penis. And that’s way more important to me than anything.

Aside from scratches, and that one guy that does those guitar snippets for you, it seems like most your music has been produced just by you; by that I mean, you’re the one arranging and sequencing everything, basically. Have you ever considered (or been offered to do) a collaboration with another producer? Like, not collab’ing with a rapper, where you make the music and he raps over it, but a more literal collaboration between you and some other producer to make one combined instrumental track.

I’ve done this before with DJ Signify. We put out a 7” called “Nobody’s smiling” and the tracks also were featured on his album “Of cities”. Those songs came out great. I’ve also co-produced songs with Aesop and that worked out fine. But, in general, I don’t buy into the idea of two producers working together. It’s doable but it seems kinda pointless to me. It’s like two musicians who use the same instrument. Sure, they use it differently but everyone has their own method and sometimes those things clash. I dunno, it’s something I’d consider if the right person wanted to work with me but I’d never seek it out to do.

if you were as bad a student as you claim to be, how the hell did you get into Boston U?

I got into a program called “general studies” which was basically continued high school. The curriculum plan was to do it for two years to sharpen up your learning styles and then be matriculated into a normal major. They pretty much accepted anyone willing to pay. I lasted one year cause I was bad enough at high school. Super high school wasn’t gonna work.

Im not sure if you have gotten this question yet, But what is your take on the whole electronic versus acoustic instrument shit?  This past Friday i was on the roster to perform, and was told not to bring my sound system, because it was “already taken care of”, well i get there and try to set up and the sound man Prick Elitist asshole, told me that he doesnt want “that” kind of music played thru his PA system, it ended up me getting shitfaced and passing out, and when came time for me to come on, there was nobody lol

Have you ever delt with these type of people?  the kind of fucking dude who will with the quickness throw a graduation certificate up in your face to some Omega studio or what ever the fuck kind of sound school and be like “look here mother fucker , i went to school for this” 

I’ve been lucky enough to avoid this kinda shit cause I’ve always played line ups with similar types of musicians (albeit, not similar in genre, we all use the same kind of set ups). But, to be honest, I think this is more about dickhead sound guys. Anyone who’s toured as a musician has stories of some shitbag sound dude. They can be the worst. It’s ill to meet someone so arrogant that, in life, has achieved so little. It’s like getting talked down to by a garbage man when he sees you carry a trash bag the wrong way. My advice would be to always be polite but, if they act like assholes, pay them no mind cause they’re probably pretty bummed to even be there, both literally and in life.

with all that’s come to light in the new tribe documentary, whose fault is it really that tribe broke up?

Good question, as this has been a hot topic of discussion amongst friends who have seen the Tribe Doc. While, in the overall scheme of things, it’s just a case of two people butting heads and , in turn, it’s both of their faults, but I tend to side with Q-Tip. Here’s why:
1)There is no ATCQ without Q-tip. He was the main rapper , he made the beats and he was pretty much the idea behind the whole thing.
2)Phife was sick but he acted like a dick about it. His anger at Tip about his reaction to his sickness was bullshit. He either kept it secret form him, down played it for him or got mad at him when he tried to help. The whole “this is my addiction to sugar” shit was laughable. If you have diabetes and you cannot eat sugar, then you stop eating fucking sugar. He literally got made when Tip told him he had to eat better and start exercising.
3)Phife was lazy contributor. As much as Tip was a control freak and ego maniac, he had a right to be. He was the backbone and the brains of the whole group. Phife would show up, drop his mediocre verses and bounce. He just seemed like he didn’t take anything seriously and he was hardheaded about feeling that way. That’s fine and all but don’t get mad when people aren’t on your dick like were are with Q-Tip.
4)Without Phife, Tribe would have been okay. People argue this with me a lot but I contend that phife was a non-factor in tribe. Sure, he had some cool verses over the years. There’s no denying that but there’s this whole revivalist theory that Phife was, at any point in his career, a good rapper. That’s simply not true. He went from terrible to not bad to acceptable. That’s it. His job in tribe was to be the other guy…and he couldn’t even do that.
so, in my eyes, Tip is the one who tried to make things work. Phife had an unfortunate illness and that’s understandable but he was the bitter one who didn’t realize what he had been given.

The Anti-Nerd Nerd Syndrome


Believe it or not, I recall a time when underground rap was the hipster music of choice. While this could spin into an angry and bitter rant on “what happened to my musics!?’ , that’s not really my aim here. My goal is to discuss what makes one a nerd. Back in the day, I spent hours upon hours discussing rap with friends. We’d contrast and compare, over analyze lyrics and argue over any number of pointless things. You know, we’d do what nerds do. Because we were hip hop nerds. Around the late 90’s and early 2000’s, there was a surge of popularity for underground hip hop. That surge enabled me to start my career, as well as countless others. It was like being a comedian in the late 80’s. Even the mediocre hacks got a chance, and often they’d succeed on some level. But, like so many sub-genre’s before it, it’s popularity , on that large scale, ran it’s course and people found other things to be obsessed with. And by “People” , I partially mean Hipsters. I use this term loosely. It could apply to anyone from 16-35 who was paying attention to trends in music and clothing. Meaning, me , you and you’re shitty friends. So, yeah, the hipsters moved on and , while i was sorta bummed that my genre wasn’t as cool as it once was, it’s not like the fan base completely disappeared. But the hipster fan base? They were already getting hyphy or listening to garage rock or whatever the fuck came next. It’s hard to keep track.

The point of all of this is to point out that just because tastes change, does not mean a person is any less of a nerd than they were before. The underground rap scene faced it’s inevitable backlash and all of a sudden people who had been jocking the most verbose, obscure rap imaginable were now scoffing at it like “What kind of loser would still listen to this shit?”. These were the same people who, months earlier were in the front row of an anticon or Aceyalone show rapping along to every song. These were nerds who thought , because they had grown out of one thing that they were all of a sudden no longer nerds. The reality of it is nerdiness is like herpes. It never goes away. The basis of being a nerd is being obsessive over something. Whether it be Math , guitar solo’s or grind time battles. If you’re into music like that, it doesn’t just stop. So, basically, these nerds just transferred their nerdiness to new thing that they can nerd out over. They were no longer discussing Dose one verses at length. They had moved on to pontificating about Manny fresh’s drum or Cam’ron verses. Nothing wrong with either of those things but, in it’s essence, it’s the exact same thing. The only difference is that they were speaking with the same smug tone about something, that’s completely devoid of pretentiousness. At least with underground rap, a lot of those people were full of shit. It begged for pretentious conversations. There was a lot to discuss. In the case of the latter trends, people are really just looking for anything to say.

I know that, as people with self proclaimed refined tastes, we want to be able to explain why we love what we love. But, sometimes, we like something cause of a feeling. Not cause it’s able to be broken down into parts and explained like a math problem. Hearing people have in depth discussions about music that is, in reality, just simple and basic, is hilarious. I mean, shit, pitchfork.com had made a living off that. I recall a review of Cam’ron’s album “Purple haze” where the writer had the nerve to try and weave his love for the album into something that had to do with Cam’s rough life on the streets and soulful tales. That album was great cause the beats banged and Cam is fucking hilarious. Leave it to a dipshit hipster nerd to need to justify his taste with depth where it doesn’t exist.

Appealing to hipsters is nothing you can plan or maintain. That’s thing about them, they’re nothing if not fickle. They tear through musical genres like fat through skinny jeans. But, what they need to embrace is that the same obsessive behavior they applied to that thing they loved two years ago, is now being applied to whatever they like now. There should be no eye rolling at people who now like what you once liked. All eye rolling duties should be reserved for those people who thought whatever trend was once popular, sucked from the get go. But nerds? You guys can’t say shit to anyone if you were , at any point, just like them.

Just to be clear, I’m a nerd. i wouldn’t make the kind of music I do if I wasn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd and embracing it is important. Hell, nerds are responsible for most great things. It takes that kind of focus and obsession to take anything to the next level. No one ever created something otherworldly by accident…except maybe Cam’ron. That dude is a fucking genius.

Song of the day 8/25/11


Glory By Domo Genesis
http://limelinx.com/files/a3d8063b90b83e811d08e046d33fd8be

While Tyler The Creator has been doing songs with The Game and Pusha T and Earl is Samoa polishing Bamboo chutes, the Odd future B-team has slowly been improving on the low. Both Domo Genesis and Hodgy Beats (mellowhype) have been putting out some decent material since they dropped their debut albums. To be honest, I wasn’t crazy about either of them when they came out. Both albums had a few good songs but it just sounded like some typical underground rap shit that wasn’t separating itself from the kinda stuff Tyler would be dissing in his songs. However, lately, it seems like they’re hitting their stride. Hodgy dropped this joint

and I was like “Oh shit!”
Then Domo was featured on this:

Which peaked my interest.
That leads us to the linked song above (which is different from the song in the video). It’s subtle but the simplicity works well with domo’s whole “I rap about weed and whatever” angle. At first , I didn’t think much of it but I’ve found myself going back to it lately. So, here it is for you to judge. Enjoy.

F#ck/Marry/Kill


So, I’ve been trying for a while now to get you guys to send me options for the “Fuck/marry/kill” game. For those of you who live on a different planet and have no idea what this game is, you’re given three names and you must decide, if you were on an island and had no other choice which one would you fuck (cause, you know, when on an island the one off bang is the obvious choice), marry (obviously, you’re gonna wanna bring the law into your island relationship) and kill (cause when on a deserted island, 4 is a crowd). This is an old and dumb game and my hopes were/are to take it and over-think everything. I’m not gonna lie…the majority of the options I had sent to me weren’t very creative. But I’m hoping after I do one of these and you guys see where I’m going with this, you will send me some really funny ones. If you got any good ones, leave them in the comment section below or email them to me (phatfriendblog@gmail.com) Let’s begin

F,M,K: katy perry, zoey deschanel, emily blunt

Fuck: Katy Perry

Why?: Well, this is an odd one. All three options are kooky white girls who would very likely annoy the shit out of me within minutes. I definitely think Perry is hottest, in terms of that she has awesome big tits and he downs syndrome isn’t THAT bad. I also feel, because she’s not an actress, she would be the most fun sexually. Because actresses are self involved and , in general, terrible people. Her being an exhibitionist doesn’t hurt either.

Marry:Zoey Deschanel

Why?:This was a tough choice. I’m honestly not crazy about either of the remaining girls but Zoey is definitely cute. in fact, she’s like a much prettier Katy Perry. She’s also like this uber weirdo type with hippie hipster Los Angeles leanings. While this would infuriate me, I’m gambling on the hope she might be more endearing than annoying. It’s a big risk but that’s why divorce exists…even on this little fucking island.

Kill: Emily BLunt

Why?: I got nothing against Blunt. She’s fine. Honestly, I’m just least attracted to her out of the 3. She’s certainly pretty but she’s got a sour lemon face that leads me to believe she’s a jerk. I also don’t have a great track record with british girls so that doesn’t help. Not that I don’t like them but they tend to definitely not like me. The last thing I wanna do is marry so uppity british girl who hates me. So, DEAD.

F,M,K: v-nasty, kreayshawn, lil debbie

Marry: Lil Debbie

Why? She’s cute and doesn’t say much. That’s pretty much all there is to it. The other two would be the worst two people to be around ever so this was an easy choice. Besides, I find Dj’s are always more mellow than rappers.

Fuck:Kreayshawn

Why? It’s funny. I actually find her to be the ugliest of the three but I simply cannot imagine having sex with V-nasty. Her gangly arms and little boy body are a huge turn off. Kreayshawn may look like Lady GaGa in color ways but there is a glimmer of sexuality in there…somewhere…deep down. Enough to make me want to have sex with her more than V-nasty, whom I’d feel bad about fucking strictly on some “You shouldn’t take advantage of special needs people” type shit.

Kill:V-Nasty

Why? As much as I find her fascinating, the idea of having to either converse or put my penis inside her is horrifying. She’s got the body of grover on Sesame street and the mouth or Noreaga if he grew up in oakland. I just couldn’t deal with it. There’s a certain type of stupid that only exists in the Bay Area that she has. I’m not saying people from the Bay area are stupid. Not at all. I’m saying this particular type of dumb only exists there and you only ever see it from certain people from that area. She’s got it in spades. Too much weed. Too Much syrup. Not enough dad. That flavor of idiot rubs me the wrong way. I got no patience for it so it’s a deal breaker for sure. Thus, she’s getting fed to the sharks. Though, the thought did cross my mind to marry her simply so I could listen to her freestyle all day.

F,M,K: The Kardaishian Sisters

Kill: Chloe

Why?: I mean..come on. Kill it with fire. This was an obvious no brainer even though, I’d say she’s easily the coolest of all three of them. But my penis ain’t the fonz and I’m not on this island to make a buddy (reality show style). Not to mention, she would probably end up fucking me with a strap on cause she’s like 6’4” and strong like bull. Fuck that. she’s dead.

Marry: Kourtney

Why?: Very tough choice. All three of these girls are pretty terrible. Courtney is very cute and,even after a baby ,looks great. That’s a good thing right there. More importantly, she’s only sort of annoying. As an admitted watcher of their show on E!, I know that she’s at least somewhat reasonable, she actually enjoys sex and is the mellowest of the three. Those three things are enough to put her into the marry category when pitted against her sisters.

Fuck: Kim

Why?: Well, point blank, she’s the hottest. By far. say what you will about (and I’m about to) but she’s fucking gorgeous. She gets hated on as fat or too plastic faced but her body is ridiculous and her face , while spackled with way too much make up, is stunning. So, why not marry her? Well, cause she’s possibly the most worthless person on the planet. She is stupid, selfish, needy and just an overall boring person with nothing to add to anything. Watching her interact with her now husband on that show is enough to scare a person off from relationships forever. She’s one of those “tell me how much you love me?” girls who are so insecure and in need of validation constantly, keeping her happy is fucking impossible…and not worth it. So, she’d get fucked. Preferably on mute.

F,M,K:Hillary Clinton ,Barbara Walters ,Oprah

Fuck:Hillary

This one is brutal but it’s also an idea of where I want this column to go. Get weird with it…anyway, she’s the youngest. She’s the , um, most attractive. I guess. I definitely wouldn’t wanna be married to her. So, by default, she wins the honor of fucking me. A guy she probably wouldn’t let carry her luggage in an airport. You’re welcome, Mrs, Clinton.
Though, I bet she’d be appreciative of a good fucking. So that’s always something to consider as well.

Kill: Barbara Walters

Why? she’s almost there anyway. Might as well help her on her way out. She’s old as dirt and I did consider marrying her to collect the check after she does eventually die. But I’m not that big of a low life so just let her pass in her sleep.

Marry: Oprah

For one, the lifestyle would be awesome…on that island. I imagine, in a weird way, I would get along with Oprah. Also, she’s a lesbian so sex wouldn’t be an issue. I’d rather fuck a conk shell anyway. It would be more of a life partnership than anything and if we did ever get off that island? CHA-CHING!

Get it? Good. Send me more options and let’s get this party poppin’.