Back by popular demand, Fuck/kill/marry. Thanks for all of those who sent in options. I Will be slowly working my way through them. I got so many, in fact, that I would appreciate it if you stopped sending them for now. At the rate this column is gonna get published, I got enough to last me for about 5 months.Anyway, let’s get into it…
Let’s start slow…
Fuck/Kill/Marry: Mila Kunis/Natalie Portman/Kristin Bell
To be clear, I fucking love me some Portman. I mean, she’s been one of my favorites for a while. However, because I’m basing this on current situations, and this is serious fuck/marry/kill business, thus she’s gotta go. She just had a baby. Meaning, I doubt she can even fuck. Also,I’m certainly not marrying her just to take on some dancing dudes sloppy seconds AND raising his kid. For those reasons alone, she gets the kill switch. I’m sorry Natalie. You were once so great.
Marry: Mila Kunis
Aside from having possibly the best face ever, she actually seems like a cool person. I can overlook her dating Macaulay Culkin for 8 years cause, in a way that turns me on. It makes me think “damn, if she fucked that dude for 8 years, I’m gonna tear that shit up”. She’d have to get over me thinking Family guy is overrated but otherwise, I think we’d get along great. So, without question, she gets the ring on the finger.
Fuck: Kristen Bell
She’s tiny and cute. Sure, I’d take Portman over her in a heartbeat like a year ago but we can’t live in the past. I may have told this story before but whatever. When I was 11, my brother in law, who’s this crazy french dude, told me “ALways date short girls. they’re easy to move around on”. I had no idea what he was talking about. Years later I got it and he wasn’t wrong…but he was also talking about my 5’2” sister so that’s kinda gross. Anyway, Bell seems like fun and would definitely be a good time, so why not?
Fuck marry kill:
Whitney Houston circa 1990.
Paula Abdul during the 80’s to 90’s.
Jennifer Lopez, but during her time as a fly girl.
fuck: Jennifer Lopez
Straight up (no Paula Abdul pun intended) , she was the hottest. Therefor, I would want to have sex with her the most. Part of me thinks I should put her as the one I’d marry but I also have a feeling she is and always was an insufferable cunt. The only difference between now and then is that now she’s rich and then she was trying to fuck her way to the top.
As good as sex with young J-lo might be, hearing her whine and be a terrible person simply doesn’t merit putting a ring on her finger.
First off, I bet she was fun in 1990. She was still fairly fresh faced and probably only getting drunk. I can live with that. She’s a tad skinny for my taste but she’s always had a pretty face. I suppose, once the coke habit begun, I’d be out but that’s neither here nor there.
Kill: Paula Abdul
80’s/90’s paula abdul was never hot to me. She was shaped like a toaster over and wore the same shoulder pads that walter payton probably did but she rocked them under a dinner jacket. I know that was the style back then, but even during that era, it bugged me. Not to mention, I always thought she looked like Jambi from Pee wee’s Playhouse. I also just think she kinda sucks in general…and Arsenio hit that. Eww…
Fuck/marry/kill: Susan Boyle, Chaz Bono (pre-surgery), Casey Anthony
Kill: Susan Boyle
I just couldn’t fuck or marry her. I’m sure she’s a sweet old lady but she looks like Mrs. Doubtfire and her vagina probably has soot in it. To be fair, I’d put her to death peacefully. Like with pills or a Guillotine.
Fuck: Casey Anthony
When playing a game like fuck/marry/kill there is no time for having morals. Sure, she’s a murderer. She’s possibly one of the worst people ever. But you know what? She’s kinda fuckable. Sorry…she is. Not in a “I actually would” sense but if I saw her at a bar, didn’t know who she was and she was being bout it bout it, I’d probably do it (assuming I was single obviously. Hi GF!). This is also a case of who she’s against. There’s no way I’d put my penis anywhere near the other two so she’s the obvious answer.
Marry: Chaz Bono
Shocking, huh? Well, guess what? I think it would be awesome. There would be no want of sex coming from either of us. It would basically be like having a roommate. I’d imagine we could both go out and do our thing. She’d be my bro. We’d talk about pussy and hi-five a lot. I could even tell people she was Jonah Hill from a year ago. Sounds like the perfect marriage to me.
She was always my favorite anyway and , after seeing her in interviews and whatnot, she’s even better than I had initially thought. She’s a normal person. I like that. Sure, she has the singing voice of a transexual with a head cold but I’m sure I could get over that.
You know, Chilli is hot. Even to this day. Unfortunately, she’s also one of those “My pussy is special” types who brings way to much god into the bedroom. For that reason , i’d like to get a hate fuck off on her. I watched her VH1 show and she was a pretty shitty person in general. I couldn’t marry a person like that. I could , however, fuck a person like that. After all, We’ve all fucked a few awful people in our lives. I’ve certainly done way worse than Chilli.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Snookie, the bald chick from the voice, Roseanne Barr
This pick speaks volumes about who the other choices are. I find Snooki to be fucking disgusting. I’ve actually gotten in heated discussions with people about how unfuckable she is. But, when put up against these other two, you gotta do what you gotta do. I would certainly be taking a long shower after this one.
Kill: Roseanne Barr
She’s cranky, Old and busted. I’m not about to marry her cause I feel like she’s one of those old broads who gets horny and the thought of her coming on to me makes by balls ache. So, sorry Roseanne, you gotta go.
Marry:The Bald chick from “The Voice”
I know you guys are trying to set me up here by throwing these man-like women at me but I got you on this one. Much like Chaz Bono above, I’d marry her and just kick it like I would with my homeboys. We’d eat BBQ together and I could watch her wrestle alligators or whatever the fuck lesbian rednecks like to do. It’s all good. It would be like living a with a sensitive Jim Norton.
Fuck/marry/kill Sookie Stackhouse- That Redhead Vampire – Tara
Fuck: Sookie Stackhouse
She’s annoying but she’s got a tight little body. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve always wanted to bone Anna Paquin (since she’s been an adult, bro) so this wouldn’t be an issue. That goofy , gap toothed faced is strangely attractive to me. And also, she’s a fairy. Fairy pussy must be fucking insane.
Marry: JEssica (the red haired Vampire)
I love this girl. I want to take her hand in marriage outside of this game. Sure, in this situation, she’s a virgin vampire with a hymen that constantly re-heals but, whatever, it would be worth it. Although vampire blow jobs are a daunting prospect.
There are few characters on TV I dislike more than Tara on True Blood. Pretty much every week, I sit there hoping they will finally kill her off. This imaginary game is my retribution. It would be like one of those movie scenes where the person beats another to death but is so nuts he just keeps going way past the point of return, until like 5 dudes have to pull him off the other persons lifeless body. I would have a rage boner.