Reading is funda-BORING


I am a non-reader. I don’t enjoy books. I skim everything on the internet. I gloss over magazine articles and , of these mediums, I absorb very little info past the most basic outline possible. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember. Not only on a level of being able to learn things (try reading sampler instruction manuals when you can’t stay focused for over a sentence) but on a social level. Very few things will get your average smarty pants motherfucker to turn their nose up at you quicker than telling them you’re not into reading.

The thing is, I think there’s a difference between not enjoying reading cause it’s hard (which it is not, for me) and not enjoying it cause it’s fucking boring. Now, this is in no way judging those who love reading. I’m undoubtedly envious on anyone who can sit down with a book and get lost in it. The only time I ever read is when there is no other option. Like on a 5 hour flight on US Air where the only entertainment is cloud watching and the sky mall magazine or hanging on a beach that I don’t wanna be on. Therein lies the conundrum. I’m completely capable of reading. I can sit down and understand what’s going on and actually get through an entire book fairly easily. The problem is, I just don’t give a fuck about it. There is no joy. My whole life I’ve felt , maybe i’m just reading the wrong books (what’s certainly what people have told me a billion times over). But , I’ve read all types of books at this point and nothing has changed. So , let me make a case for all those non-readers out there (who, ironically, are reading this right now) who feel , just cause you don’t like reading , that doesn’t mean you’re a cave man half wit.

1)Words don’t stick
I have a funny memory. I can tell you all about random hip hop B-sides from the early 90’s and I can tell you which one of my friends fucked who in 1997 but , for the life of me, I don’t absorb the written word. I don’t mean that I read it and don’t understand it. I mean, I read, understand it and forget it the second I’m done.I’m like the literary version of that movie “momento”. For a person who doesn’t like reading, I’ve actually read my fair share of books. If I were to be tested on some of the most basic elements of those books, I would fail. Character names. Story arc. Hell, even just characters in general. It simply doesn’t sink in. I wish it did but it doesn’t. You can imagine how detrimental this was for me when taking the SAT’s reading comprehension test. That shit was a debacle cause, not only was I bad at it, but they also gave you the most boring paragraphs known to man to pick apart. It was brutal. I’m lucky I didn’t get sent to special ed after my SAT scores came back.

2)Fuck your description. It’s just words.
That’s a pretty broad generalization but that’s what this blog is built upon. This may be just credit to my dying imagination (more on that in a moment) but the power of words is often lost on me. You may read a passage from a novel detailing the beauty of a sunset. Those words might paint a picture in your head of the most glorious sunset you’ve ever seen. To me, it’s just a fucking sunset. The same way, in real life, if someone showed me a picture of a sunset from their trip to Bali. I get it. Sun. Colors. Night is coming. Big fuckin’ deal.
Granted, this is me. I don’t expect people to relate to this , but a large part of writing is long winded descriptions of things that don’t really matter. I remember , back in high school, doing the required reading and just skipping page after page cause the author was going into endless detail about a flower or the floor boards of the room. I understand that these things are purposeful and often beautifully written. I just, personally, don’t give a shit. If I don’t give a shit about a flower in real life, how one earth am I gonna be moved by one that’s being explained to me over 500 words.
That’s kinda why , when I was in high school, I sorta liked the short stories of Raymond Carver. They were short (that’s a plus), but he didn’t waste time on superfluous detail. He just bluntly told the story. I could get into that as much as I could anything written on a page.

3)My dead imagination
I guess I’m a visual person. I don’t get transferred to another time and place when looking at words. Telling people this often leads to them saying they love imagining what the characters look like and how, reading a book will let your mind create the visuals. Perhaps that works for others , but when I’m reading, it’s stock footage. All the description in the world of a character , down to the socks they wear, and it’s still aimless to me. Unless the book says something like “He looked like John Bobbitt with downs syndrome” , in which case, I’d know exactly what he looked like. But that’s cause it’s visual. Reading that someone was “rakish” means nothing to me. It’s like jerking off to my imagination. It used to work a little but nowadays it’s impossible

4)The movie>>>>The book.
There are some truly shit films that have been adapted from great books. I doubt anyone has ever said “The book was okay but the movie? THE BEST!”. That doesn’t happen. I accept that the original material will always technically be better. It’s more detailed. It’s not watered down to fit into 2 hours. It’s got layers of meanings that a film maker usually can’t portray properly , if at all. Yes. I don’t doubt this is true. But you know what? A movie wins to me cause it’s a movie. Cause i’m lazy and it’s easy. Yup. Two hours looking at something that’s “alive” will always beats a week of looking at words.
For example, I’m a fan of the movie “American Psycho”but, in a shocking turn of events, I actually read that book before the movie came out. I “enjoyed” the book , in the sense that it had some fucked up moments that I didn’t immediately forget after putting the book down (which is a feat in itself for me). The book and the movie were quite different in tone. The Movie was much more comical and almost campy. The book was more serious, very obsessive and dark. The book contained scenes that were so foul that there’s no way they could be portrayed on film. By all accounts, the book was clearly better. But put the book in front of me and a DVD of the movie, guess which one I’m picking? It’s not even a choice.

5)Different strokes
Listen, I know how you readers are. The same way I react to someone who says they don’t like TV , is how you react to someone who is apathetic towards reading. We’re all wired different. But get off your fucking high horse. The days of calling people nerds for liking reading ended in the 50’s. It’s not a “you against the world” thing. You simply like reading. Huzzah to you, my friend. I do not. So shut the fuck up about it and stop pretending just cause you read some shit written by another person that you’re some sort of genius.Unless you sit around reading text books for pleasure, I don’t wanna hear. I could get the same knowledge from a book on tape or a documentary.

6)Learning disability?
For years, I assumed I had something wrong with me. From age 4-17 I got tested for all sorts of things. Dyslexia being the one they kept coming back to. But, no matter how many symptoms I showed, it never stuck. At best, I was diagnosed with a slight case just to make it possible for me to get Ritalin (it didn’t do shit).
No, aside from a exceptionally short attention span, I am and always have been free of L.D.’s. This was confusing for me, my parents and my teachers. Years later, I feel like I’ve got a hold of what the problem is. I’m simply indifferent to things I don’t really give a shit about. I’m also kinda lazy. Those two things combined equal a man who doesn’t like reading cause it honestly doesn’t interest me as a something to pass the time. That’s it. I wish it weren’t that way but it is. It is odd that i like writing though. that shit doesn’t make sense at all.

So, there you have it. If you disagree,Let me live. I’m allowed to like and dislike things regardless of how flawed my reasoning may be. If you agree? Props to you for even making it this far. I just wrote a lot of words up there and I’d imagine it was quite a grueling journey. I appreciate it.

Song of the day 9/29/11


Jagger the Dagger By Eugene McDaniels
http://limelinx.com/files/f326c54f8e65d2f7a255a72102e23d73
Let’s be totally honest here. Most of the time, when you hear a song that has been sampled, the song is kinda crappy. It makes sense. Sampling is built around finding that one part of the song you like.The part you want to hear over and over again. More often than not, some of the best loops from some of the greatest hip hop songs were lifted from pretty mediocre music. Jazz fusion crap that becomes a boring show of some guy masturbating with a rhodes for 8 minutes.
On the other side of that, we have songs that get sampled that are just straight up awesome. A song like “Synthetic substitution” or “Blind Alley” have been sampled a billion times each but both original songs are classics in their own right.

This song, falls into a different category. it’s just fucking weird. This sample has been flipped many of times (the gravediggaz, Organized Konfusion, A tribe called quest, ect). The funny thing about it is that it’s a pretty smooth loop. But the actual song has a creepy tone to it. Perhaps cause of the off kilter singing it hits at moments. A chorus of male and female voices that go in and out of tune and sing a song that’s apparently a diss to Mick Jagger. Beef! Any way. I love shit like this and you should too.

F#ck/Marry/Kill Vol. 4


Back again ready to win…I was gonna do an all “Tv Character’ edition but I figured that variety if the spice of life. This weeks installment covers a lot of ground. Tv darlings, Monkeys, old dead ladies. The whole gambit. Enjoy…

Fuck/Marry/Kill:The Olsen Twins – Jodie Sweetin- Candace Cameron Bure

Kill:Jodie Sweetin

She’s one of those creepy , fake titted , meth head types that I can ‘t even be in the same room with.She vaguely reminds me of people I know and I tend to feel the need to wash my face after talking to them.
Even back in the day when she was a “cute kid”, I hated her face and her shark teeth. Add on that she’s got the potential to be a blonde Casey Anthony and I’ll pass…her off to the guillotine.

Marry:Candace Cameron Bure

This was one of those “lesser of 3 evil” picks. She’s not unattractive. She actually aged shockingly well. She could have easily become Ricky Lake. My worry with her is that she’s Kirk Cameron’s sister and that dude is fucking insane. Being around him during the holidays (especially the christian ones) would be brutal. Like I can see him holding a bible the entire time and reading passages at random. It’s almost enough to just put her as the “fuck” but, there’s no way I’d marry the other choices.

Fuck: The Olsen twins

I bet to some gross dudes this was the obvious choice. To me, it wasn’t easy. First off, I find both these girls fairly half assed. There’s one that Ok but the other is like Gollum in a wig. Secondly, I’m pretty sure they would be terrible in bed. Girls this rich and entitled don’t even try. They’re more passionate about shoes. So,why did I pick them? Well, it’s a threesome with the Olson twins. Even if I’m not into it, it’s still something I could put on my headstone
“Here Lies Tony Simon; He got doubled teamed by the Olson twins like a boss and didn’t even really care”.
Others may argue that they are billionaires and marrying them might be a wise move. While I agree, I think after two weeks of hearing them finish each others sentences about designer handbags, I’d be ready to jump off the earth. Not to mention, I bet Candace Cameron takes good care of her man. I bet she’s a good cook too. She just kinda looks like a Pie baking type of broad.

F/M/K: Mary Todd Lincoln, Lucy (the 3.2-million-year-old ape) and Mrs.Doubtfire

Fuck: Mary Todd Lincoln

I’ll assume this means not present day cause I’d be sticking my dick in a bone pile otherwise. Anyway, while not a handsome woman she is the only one who is , in fact, a human woman. Sure, she looks like Patton Oswalt but this choice was easy. It would be terrible but I’d do it for my country.

Kill:Mrs. Doubtfire

While the idea of marrying her/him crossed my mind (it would be like having a cross dressing maid all the time) I simply couldn’t settle into the fact that, on her off hours, I’d be chilling with Robin Williams. I get exhausted watching him get interviewed. Imagine actually being in a room with him watching TV? It would be like
“Yeah, totally..hey Robin, I’m trying to watch th…Nah, good one. great reference but I’m…Yes Robin, that’s a fantastic Richard Nixon impression but Breaking Bad is on SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!”
DEAD.

Marry:Lucy

The way I see it, there would be no sexual tension. It would more just be like those old Clint Eastwood Money buddy movies. Lucy and me would just hang out. She’s eat apples (or whatever the fuck ape’s eat) and make funny fart noises with her mouth and I’d just ignore her and live life like she never existed (but with more feces on the walls). Perfect.

F/M/K:Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Sarah Silverman

Marry:Tina Fey

This may be the most earnest one ever. Tina Fey is awesome. She’s funny. I’d probably actually marry someone like her in real life. It would also be a great way to get all the seasons of 30 Rock on DVD for free.

Fuck: Sarah Silverman

Well, she’s the hottest. Some may argue Fey is but I’d rather see Silverman naked and that usually wins. I’m not convinced that she’d be a fun sexual experience (comedians are pretty fucked in the head in general. Add having a vagina to that mix and who knows what goes on in there). but, I’d risk it in this decision. She’s got nice boobs. I like those.

Kill:Amy Poehler

I’m a big fan of her but she gets death by default. As funny and talented as I think she is, she has that underbite gremlin face that is a big turnoff for me. That said, if this poll were her and two different people, she could easily be marriage material under different circumstances. Just not for this one.

F/M/K:Elvira, Buffy the vampire slayer and Ripley (from Alien).

Fuck:Elvira

you show me a guy who had boners in the 80’s and I show you guy who wanted to fuck Elvira. Those tits left an imprint on my brain from a very young age. Seriously, I feel like all cleavage I see is put up against hers. I’d kick myself for not fucking her. I’m also assuming this poll isn’t present day cause , jesus, she probably looks like an old goth with empty bean bags on her chest now.

Marry:Buffy

Why not? She’s cute. Active. She’ll keep me from getting killed. That’s cool. I’ve never been a fan of her but, in the overall scheme of things, she’s an attractive blond girl with a decent body who believes in justice. Works for me.

Kill: Ridley

Pretty easy pick her but the question is more “Could I kill her?”. She could definitely kick my ass.
The thing about her is that I don’t think I could think of a less sexy person than her (well, i could…but you know what I mean). She’s rugged to bone and seems like someone I’d sooner go out with to meet other girls than marry or have sex with.

F/M/K: Roseanne, Rose McGowan (With actually only one leg) or Sylvia Fowels (Center for the Chicago Sky)

Kill: Roseanne

I mean, this is the easiest choice ever. I don’t even know why she was picked in this group. Dark horse, maybe? Dead horse.

Fuck:Rose McGowan (with one leg)

I don’t give a fuck that she has one leg. I don’t even care that , as the years pass, her face seems to be melting. I’ve always wanted to bone McGowan and what better chance than an imaginary game. She’s that type of crazy that is actually hot. She’s also the type of crazy you don’t marry. so, this was an easy choice as well.

Marry: Sylvia Fowles

Listen, she’s not the worst looking 6’6” she-beast on the planet. When compared to lisa Leslie, she’s actually downright passable. But I’d marry her strictly for the basketball. Both playing against her (it would definitely help my game to get my ass beat regularly but a giant woman) and taking her to pick-up games I play in to wreck motherfuckers. That would be awesome. She’d probably even be down to be in my fantasy basketball league. I could potentially sit around talk fantasy basketball with a girl all day. Holy shit. I think I’m in love.

American Juggalo documentary

http://vimeo.com/29589320

For a while now, I’ve been saying someone should immerse themselves in juggalo world and make a full length documentary on the entire culture.
It’s truly fascinating. Well, someone must have (sort of) heard my prayers (God is a juggalo?) cause I was just alerted of this movie. While it’s only 20 minutes, it covers pretty much everything you’d want to know, as told by the juggalo’s themselves. The fat ones, the pregnant ones, the high ones and the sober ones. It pretty much covers the the whole spectrum.
This is something special. I dunno how this isn’t a bigger deal on the internet yet but it’s pretty much like the Juggalo version of that “The decline of western civilization” documentary.
There is really so much that can be said about this short film but , honestly, it’s nothing I haven’t said before.
So, let’s skip the yapping today and just enjoy the film. ART, yo. also, NSFW.

Answers for questions vol. 53


Sup. It’s a lazy monday. If you’re at school or your job reading this, just know that I’m sitting in my underwear typing in my bed. LIKE A BOSS.

Anyway, if you have more questions, please send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. The weirder the better. The more boring the worse. And now, on with the show…

I’m a big fan of instrumental music, although I still listen to a lot of shit with vocals, but for some reason I prefer instrumentals. On the other hand, I know many people that don’t really like instrumental music. I feel like the most popular reason being is they think it is boring because there are no words. Anyway, no big deal, people have a right to listen to whatever they want…This got me thinking though. I’m not a music historian or anything, but I feel like back in the day the majority of music was instrumental, like classical, jazz, and big band type shit. I feel like those could be considered the “pop” music of the time. Do you think instrumental music, whether it’s hip hop, jazz or whatever will ever make it’s way into the mainstream again?

On a pop music level, it’s safe to say instrumental music will never be a factor. The lack of vocals makes in unaccessible to your average listener. Shit, I make the stuff and don’t even listen to most instrumental music.
If you look at music without vocals, the biggest shit to hit over the last 20 years was stuff like Moby or Fatboy Slim. It was basically instrumental electronica with vocal samples filling the choruses. So, even that, while technically instrumental music, had something to grab the listeners ear. Which is really a huge part of pop music.
Granted , on a more indie level, there have been some successful groups. Ratatat is an all instrumental group that has a pretty huge following. But I think I’d bet against ever hearing something like that played on pop radio or MTV. It’s great music but it’s simply not marketable on a large scale anymore. Unless Justin Beiber made it. If he makes a Jazz album of solo piano songs with no singing, MAYBE they’d show a clip of that on tv. So, you can always hope that happens.

How many subway footlong’s do you think you could eat in one sitting?

Unbeknownst to many of you, I am the fastest eater alive. I can put down food in a dangerously speedy manner. However, this doesn’t also crossover to the quantity of food I can eat. So, while I could eat one foot long (Pause) in about a minute and 30 seconds, I’d be pretty full after that. MAYBE i could force another half down but I’d regret it and probably shit my pants afterwards. Is that what you want? Me to shit my pants? Jerk.

What’s the last text you sent?

“got it” Pretty exciting , huh? Good thing you didn’t ask me about three texts ago cause that would have been awesome.

Danny Brown’s “XXX” or OME “Rapper’s Will Die of Natural Causes”? Pick one and explain why.


I know this will sound like a cop out but these two albums are far too different for me to compare and contrast. They’re both very good in their own way. The only thing they have in common is that they’re weird. I’ll say this, I think I bump more songs off Danny browns album but OME’s album has specific songs I like the most.

I know you probably have beats that you have not put out and maybe
won’t put out. Are you sitting on a beat or beats you did that you
feel is your best but you just have not put it out yet?

I’ve definitely got beats laying around. Many of them are claimed for some project or another but , as of now, they’re homeless. Are they my best? Eh…it’s hard to say. Whenever I make new stuff, there’s always a chance. The beats I have laying around that have been floating around for years, don’t tend to be the best cause, if they were, I’d have used them on my solo albums or a rapper would have picked them. I’d say there are tracks that haven’t been fully realized yet. Definitely a lot of tracks that , if a rapper used them, they would be awesome.

What would you have done in the past to break awkward moments that were created either by you or your date, or your surroundings?

My immediate response to awkward situations is to crack jokes. I actually go out of my way to not have awkward moments. In fact, I focus a lot of time on avoiding such situations. I’m like the anti-Larry David in that sense. I’ve very cautious about things like that.
Although, sometimes you can’t avoid them. The other day , I was at a friends house to watch the Mayweather fight. I met a friend of her’s who was a little bit older than me but grew up in the same neighborhood i did. Whenever I meet someone from that area I get excited cause it’s pretty rare. Anyway, we’re chatting and finding out all the people we know in common and I bring up a dude I know that she also knows , who had cancer. I’m not close with the guy but I had heard that he was better so I figured it was safe to ask. She got really quiet and kinda started to well up a little and responded something “you know, it’s just been really tough…” . Now, as far as I know, he’s totally fine but she’s making me think he just died and I had no idea. So, that was pretty fucking awkward. I immediately told we could drop it and apologized for bringing it up. I’m still in the dark as to whether there’s some shit I didn’t know or she’s just one of those extremely over dramatic people who thrives on co-opting the pain of others. Who knows? Whatever the case, it sucked.

What is your opinion of The Chronic? (not weed, Dr. Dre’s album from 1992.)
Do you think the production or rapping sounds dated compared to today’s popular rap?

I haven’t listened to it in a long time but that era of hip hop seems to hold up pretty well. Pretty much, well made beats and rhymes that were not too complicated tend to have timeless feel to them. The chronic was a landmark album. That shit changed how people made beats. Granted, it opened the door for some terrible hack G-funk bullshit by producers who couldn’t hold Dr. Dre’s record bag , but it was easily one of the most influential rap albums of all time. At least stylistically. So, yeah, it holds up to me.

On a side note, I have a distinct memory of when I first heard “Nuthin but a G thing”. I was home from school, assed out on the couch watching Yo!MTV raps. This video comes on and I was like “What the fuck is this?!?!!”. It just sounded so different to me and Snoop’s presence on the song just jumped off the screen. I remembered him from “Deep Cover” so I was hyped that he had a new song. Then I didn’t hear it again for like 3 weeks cause no one on the east coast was playing it and the song hadn’t blown up yet. A month later though, it was on every day.

Do you feel like racism is still alive in America? What was the last racist act you witnessed?

Of course Racism is alive. Not like it once was but it’s still very much there. The only difference is that it’s now been so beaten into peoples heads that it’s not a good thing , that the racist people tend to keep it indoors. If you’re curious to see racism, just go to any youtube comments section. You will be both enlightened and horrified. The illest things is that it’s usually spawned from some pretty basic things. Like an interview with Lebron James or a discussion of Beyonce’s hair.
The last racist act I witnessed? Shit…Probably some sideways comment from a cab driver. It’s funny, in my entire life, I’ve seen/heard very few overt racist acts. It’s usually just someone who got too comfortable with me and lets out a sentence that he should have kept inside. And even then , it’s usually some diss to jews. I will say this, white people who are racist against blacks or hispanic people are VERY cautious nowadays. But people who diss jews , gays and asians? They let that shit fly.

Quick Fire boring question round:
What is stopping you from putting out an independent instrumental album?

like outside of the label that already has put out 4 of them?
Money and know how.

Do you have awesome unreleased material that we may never get to hear?
Very little. I tend to use what I make. The only stuff I have tons of that’s unreleased is super old shit from when I still rapped and, you can rest assured, that shit is never getting out.

Your ASR10 can go out on you at any moment. So that is when you mightmake the jump to digital. Has there been a fear of going digital? It
just seems like to me, someone who has the root skill of composition
when it comes to beat making would flourish in a simple sample based
digital environment like Reason. If you do eventually go digital, what
kind of software might you try?

I’ve been using Ableton Live for the past 5 years. So, that is a leap I’ve made already. I still use the Asr though, just along side the Ableton.

Backwoodz recordings present “The Cost of living:


For all those of you who have liked the Billy Woods joints I’ve put up, his crew just dropped a compilation.They’re a very talented stable of rappers and producers. It features Woods, Elucid, Open Mike Eagle, Vordul Mega and a bunch of other dudes. It’s free…peep it…
here’s the tracklisting and the link:

Loopholes (produced by Nasa)
Demolition (produced by A.M. Breakups, featuring Elucid)
Blue Dream (produced by Man Mantis, featuring billy woods & L’wren)
The Knock (produced by Willie Green, featuring Megabusive, PremRock & Open Mike Eagle)
Six Flags (produced by A.M. Breakups, featuring billy woods)
Stingray (produced by Willie Green, featuring Junclassic)
Gladhanding (produced by Marmaduke)
Shilling (produced by Marmaduke, featuring billy woods)
Excuse Me (produced by A.M. Breakups, featuring MC Eleven & Teddy Faley)
Elevator Music (produced by Willie Green, featuring Cavalier)
Antz (produced by Junclassic, featuring Vordul Mega, Junclassic & billy woods)
Bank Of America (produced by Marmaduke, featuring Elucid & billy woods)
Help Me (produced by Willie Green, featuring Pastense & HiCoup)
Pig Iron (produced by BOND, featuring billy woods)
No Invitations (produced by A.M. Breakups, featuring Elucid)

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/The-Cost-Of-Living.html?soid=1101526131859&aid=xv1uLAgzGMQ

Ask Dr. Tony Volume 5


Good day to all of you. The Doctor is in. Still here, giving unwarranted advice about situations I know next to nothing about. This week includes a question so fucking long , I was almost not gonna use it. However, it covers territory that I feel is quite relatable to pretty much every girl ever who’s dated a lazy guy who doesn’t give a shit.
Please send my more personal problems/questions at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com
It’s always anonymous and my advice is usually as spot on as it can be , considering I don’t know you or the people you’re talking about.
anyway, on with the session…

What’s your stance on workplace dating? i’m digging this girl I work
with – BUT she’s just freelancing – so the plan is to wait it out
until her (indefinite) freelance is up, so i get the date minus the
workplace dramas. I’m getting increasingly impatient though. Should i
just go for it or wait it out?

I think Workplace dating depends. Some people can handle it. Some can’t. It also depends on the intentions of both the people. In order for it to work, you must both be on the same page. If she just wants to fuck once in a while and you’re in love, it’s not gonna work. Not only just that , it’s gonna be a mess.
I was talking to a friend about this the other day. Jobs are one place where it seems like the playing fields even. Whenever I see a terrible looking dude with an attractive girl, I assume he’s either rich or worked at a job with her for years. It’s that thing where, when you see people every day, you lose perspective on how they actually look and begin to base your view of them on their actual personality. This leads to people hooking up who would probably not even look at each other in an actual casual social setting. I’ve certainly pined for 5’s that I’ve worked with , only to realize years later that the girl was in fact, mediocre in every way. It’s just how working closely with people works. You find ways to be attracted to what’s in your close proximity.

But i digress, your situation is slightly different cause the girl is a temp. I’d say by all means , go for it. Worst case, she rejects you, things are awkward for a few weeks and she vanishes. However, I only give this advice assuming you’re not a vindictive asshole. If she does reject you or you guy hang out and it doesn’t work, you gotta back the fuck off and not be a creep about it. OR, if you do get with her, fuck her and decide you’re not into it, you gotta handle that delicately. Basically, it’s all on you and how you act to make this thing work on any level. So, yeah, don’t be a dipshit.


Dear Blockhead,

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) for almost three years. I tried to be happy with him but I always felt like something was missing. But being a typical girl, I convinced myself that I was content and ran the thought out of my mind. Obviously I was never able to escape it. Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful and kind person, we share many of the same interests, humor, and are content doing nothing together. But it seemed like that was the extent of our relationship. I have always been an ambitious person. I love to travel, go on adventures, try new things, and I am constantly going back to school. That is where we differ the most. He smokes a lot of weed, doesn’t have a driver’s license, no passport, an unsteady job and plays a lot of videogames. I would say he is a meat and potatoes type of guy, not easily open to trying new things at all. Communication is another aspect that we were never able to agree upon. I am a very open, emotionally driven individual and I can’t just bottle of my feelings. If there is something I am concerned about, I put it on the table so we can talk about it and hopefully work it out. He is the total opposite. He gets frustrated easily, brushes important problems under the carpet, and accuses me of ‘being negative’, ‘bitching’, or ‘nagging’ when there is something I feel the need to discuss. Is that not what a relationship is all about? Two people in a partnership who are able to communicate with just a glance? If only. Anyhow, talking to him was like pulling teeth or talking to a wall so after awhile I began to bottle up my feelings as well. Prior to that I tried sitting him down, writing it to him, being blunt, any possible way I could think of so he could just hear me. It seemed like it was no use.

Because of his lack of driver’s license, I had to drive us around constantly. I was always the designated driver, of course. Because of his unsteady work, I started having to pay more and more. I am usually a generous person and wouldn’t bat an eye at paying for things, but he rarely said thank you and I began to feel like I was being taken for granted. I was a mother, a taxi and then a bank machine on top of that. There came a point in time where he had to move out of his place, and into his Mother’s little one bedroom apartment in order to save some money for a damage deposit and whatnot. This was supposed to be a temporary living situation, two weeks to a month tops. He has been there for five months now. Living on her couch, because the company he works for (his Father’s company) was in the shits. Not once in this time span has he tried to look for a place, a new job, to better his life. He has expressed his discontentment with his life on several occasions, yet never did a thing to change it. Why didn’t he move in with me, you ask? For one thing, he is messy as messy can be. So! As soon as he moved into his Mom’s place, we started seeing each other less and less. I started working night shifts a few days a week, he didn’t feel like taking public transit out to see me, and I didn’t feel like hanging out in his Mom’s space all the time. This is when deeper problems arose. We fought constantly because I felt like we weren’t seen each other enough. I would send him a message or call him and he wouldn’t get back to me until the next day or a day and a half later. I felt chastised because I spoke up, and knew this was not normal. I found out he had been going to a pub regularly, made some new friends there. I found out because he pocket dialed me a couple times and heard him talking to some people in the background. I felt like something just wasn’t right, and one day while he was sleeping on the couch his phone went off and I picked it up and saw he had a message from a girl I never heard of. So…. I checked it. And she had invited him out to the pub to watch a playoff hockey game with her. When he woke up I confronted him about it and told him it was inappropriate that he was exchanging numbers with girls in bars. Of course he turned it around on me and just got angry because I looked at his message. The next weekend we were supposed to hang out but he said he was tired and was just going to have dinner and play some videogames. The day after, he ended up coming over and left his phone out again. So I checked it… again. Something in my gut was telling me something was wrong. He was acting strange (and I had an ex who cheated on me badly before). Sure enough, another girl had messaged him “Are you as hung over as I am today babe?”. Obviously I was enraged. Not only had I expressed how I felt about getting girl’s numbers, but he told me he was staying in the night before. So i gave him a chance to admit it. I asked what he ended up doing the night before. He stuck to his original story and said “not a whole lot, just had dinner and chilled.” Bullshit. I blew up and of course he had some bullshit story for me that was a complete fabrication. “Oh well, I was getting weed from my hookup and he doesn’t have a phone so I had to message this girl. And I had dinner at the pub, and she’s a regular there, so we had a pitcher and some shots.” RIGHT. So I broke up with him on the spot. But then panicked later on and we ended up getting back together.

From then on, we began to have trust issues. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until that point but that was it for me. Our relationship went consistently downhill after that and I became terribly unhappy. Our sex life dwindled down to nothing, as well. I expressed my unhappiness on several occasions, I tried to work on things but I started to realize it was a one sided effort. We drifted apart, seeing each other less. It was a battle to get him to even call or text back in the same day. So a few weeks prior to our break up, I am sorry to say that I gave up. I stopped trying. And it was only then that I noticed him perk up and start to call more often. But it was too late. I tried to accept him for who he is. I couldn’t so I tried to give him the loving push I thought he needed but I learned that you cannot change a person. And as much as I still loved and cared for him, I let him go. Apparently it was a major shock to him, in fact the term he used was ‘blindsided’. I don’t see how could not have seen it coming. So two weeks elapsed and at first he kept his distance. But I think it began to settle in that we were actually broken up about a week in. This is when he began to text and call. He begged for me back, professed his love for me along with many different apologies, finally acknowledged his wrongdoings and vowed to change. Now the question is, is that even possible? If he does change, would it make a difference for me? Could I be with him after everything we have been through? Or are we just far too different to be in a working relationship? The thought of it is so depressing. This is a person who I am still so fond of. I miss his companionship and reflect on the good times we had together and it makes me upset. He thinks I am throwing something good away, and that we can be happy. I just don’t have the heart to cut off contact completely, so I don’t know what to do. I love him to pieces but I think.. I hope there might be someone more compatible for me out there. And I worry if I would be settling if I took him back. I know people don’t change overnight. So am I actually willing to wait for him to deal with his self-proclaimed internal issues? So, Blockhead.. I apologize for this monster of a letter. I think once I started going my mind just started spitting out all these pent up thoughts. I am sure there is much more I could have included, and perhaps some of his is irrelevant. I just want to be happy. I want him to find happiness. And I don’t want this painful breakup to drag out any more. Although I have a feeling, it will..

Thank you for your time, I hope you will actually read this.

Wow that was obscenely long. I appreciate the question, but let’s keep these to under 10,000 words.
So much to cover here, lemme break it down into bullet points
1)He’s a piece of shit.
First things first. This is a fact. He’s not a bad person, but he’s extremely typical of how dudes get. I think that the way he was in the beginning of the relationship (mr. awesome) blindsided you into thinking the way he was acting later was a phase. but, sadly, this is how he actually is. At least as a boyfriend. I’m sure he’s a good guy or whatever but once a boyfriend stops giving a shit about being a boyfriend, it’s never good for the girl.

2)He’s probably depressed
I’m not shrink but all things point to him being pretty fucking depressed. I don’t blame him. He lives on his moms couch, smokes weed all day, barely works and has (had) a girlfriend he obviously is in no condition to maintain, try to talk to him about shit he doesn’t even wanna think about.
I’d say his trips to the bar are the only thing keeping him sane. It’s probably the only place he goes where he feels like he has any worth at all.

3)You are a doormat
It’s not your fault. You’ve be betrayed before. It’s par for the course. You’re a caring person who’s giving this dude enough chances. you’re holding on to a memory of a person you once knew every time you envision him in your life. But , if he gets back in, he will restart the cycle and walk all over you. Like I mentioned before, he’s in no position to have a girl friend right now. His life is way too fucked up. It’s sounds like he’s a cast member of “Winter’s bone”. AT BEST, he should be fucking bummy skanks at the local watering hole. That’s the pinnacle for this guy, until he gets back on his feet (if he ever does). Basically, his downward spiral is not you problem.

4)Phone checking never ends well
Phone checking is ill cause , if you’re checking it , you straight up don’t trust the dude. And chances are, if you don’t trust him, there’s a reason for that. Sure, you got cheated on before so you’re sensors are sensitive but the real reason you checked is cause you were suspicious of this guy.
On the other hand, you’re invading his private territory. As guilty as he is, you’re out of line as well. THis may be drastic but if you’re in a relationship when hacking into facebooks/emails or reading old texts is a thing, then you should just break up. Already, the trust is fucked up. Sure, there are some people who do that shit right away (and those people deserve to die alone with 9 cats in a one bedroom apartment) but for normal people in healthy relationships, you just don’t do that. i understand how trust issues and overall insecurity play into this but recognize, if he was the right guy, you’d be past all that by now.

5)DO NOT get back with him
You know this. Even after the book you wrote me I can tell it was just you wanting someone else to tell you what you already know. Not only is he not changing, he’s probably gonna get worse. It’s not like he’s gonna wake up one day and just decide to be this awesome boyfriend, get an apartment ,a new job and life will be perfect. That takes time and most likely won’t really ever happen anyway.
So, cut it off. He’s only coming back to you cause he’s a fucking loser with nothing else going on in his life. You’re literally just there to be a sponge for his sorrows, neediness and sperm. Don’t be that sponge.

hey, i’d love your advice/opinion about a situation i’m going through right now.
i dated this guy for a whole year (09 -10) and we did a distance thing the whole time between two different cities, but he ended up moving to go to Uni a couple of states away in Fall ’10 (after giving me a nice ol’ diamond) and he had a meltdown and said he couldn’t do distance at the moment. i give the guy space and we this summer rolls around and we were inseparable, but we established that we were just going to enjoy the summer w/o worrying about anything.
the bro talks about a future with me all the time: wedding shit, living together shit, having kids and pets shit; but the problem is, he won’t ask me out again/won’t commit because he says he wants to focus on his studies and doesn’t want to get involved with anyone. he says the time isn’t right right now.

i know that you’re usually supposed to take bro talk at face value, but what the fuck do you think is going on, Uncle Tony? 😦

Hmm…either he’s an evil dude or he actually means what he says.
Let’s look at the two sides,
He’s Evil:
If he’s evil then he’s just doing this to keep you around for his own amusement. He fills your head with talks of weddings and and babies as a mean to keep you locked in. But , when he goes back to school, he’s fucking everything that moves and not even thinking about you. he’s a sociopath with no remorse who may very likely one day try to talk you into a threesome.

OR

He’s just being realistic

Long distance relationship are a mess. He might have every intention of being with you down the line (a few years) but trying to maintain a relationship that way is not only annoying, but tiresome. It’s wears thin on what might have otherwise been a perfect match. So, perhaps, he’s thinking that it’s better to just see what happens. He could have every intention of being with you eventually.
The real question is, are you willing to wait? This will mean you will be holding him in your back pocket for the time being. Every dude you meet, he will be looming over you , stopping you from moving forward like you might if you were totally free of him. It’s basically vaginal handcuffs. So, if you feel that deeply about him, believe he’s earnest and are willing to wait, then do it. If you have doubts , then don’t waste your time.
I’m a middle of the road kinda guy so I’d say just see what happens. It could work out great. You never know. But if the weight of the situation is too much, you can always hit the eject button. Even then, it could still happen down the line.

Song of the day 9/22/11


23’9 By Billy Woods (as featured on the Reservoir Sound compilation)
http://limelinx.com/files/cfab6eff5a9adc401603ee4497c92d82

I’ve been preaching the word of Billy Woods around these parts for a little while now. This song isn’t exactly new but it’s off a compilation so I figured most of you might not know about it.
For those who don’t know, Billy is a brooklyn, by way or a shit ton of other places, MC who was part of the group Super Chron FLight Brothers. He’s somewhat of a throwback to the early Def Jux sound except with a slightly more rugged edge. I just got word he’s dropping a solo album fairly soon so I’m very much looking forward to that. Btw, this song was produced by AM Breakups. Dope track for sure. Enjoy.

EDIT: I fucked up. It’s just been bought to my attention that I’ve posted this song before in a mix I made a while back. Crap.
So, here’s a bonus round of Billy Woods:
African Robotics
http://limelinx.com/files/9904ffd7aab1643eab494e1ee793dfc4

The gift and the curse

The other day, I got caught up watching a marathon of this TV show called “Strange sex”. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a show that covers stories of all sorts of sexual oddities. From the woman born without a vagina to the guy who has a balloon fetish. It’s also a show that, if you watch enough of, will kinda make you never want to have sex again. It’s like a carnival of deformed penis’ and broken vaginas.
Anyway, one of the episodes I caught was the one previewed above. It covers the trials and tribulations of the man with the biggest penis on earth. As you might expect, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, this shlumpy dork has had sex with thousands of women cause of his “gift” but, in reality, his life is owned by his penis. You see, he’s an aspiring actor. Yes…that guy you see above is an actor. While I’m sure there is no shortage of roles out there for guys that look to have a subtle case of downs syndrome, I doubt he’s excelling in his field.

The obvious question everyone asks is “Well, if you act, why don’t you do porn?” to which he responds “cause I wanna be a real actor”. Fair enough. Though, it’s kinda like a guy with the best pitching arm in baseball deciding he wants to be a hitting coach.

Really, when you’re given the worlds biggest penis you can either pretend it doesn’t exist and live life normally, or embrace the freakishness and use it as your cash cow. It would be tough to find a middle ground in that.
Sure, living a normal life and lugging around a 13.5 inch dick won’t go unnoticed. That’s a topic people will talk about. Men and women. If your male friends find out they will be both envious and fascinated. If your female friends find out they will be both terrified and curious. But that kind of recognition doesn’t have to over take your life.
It’s when you start to spread the word yourself that it becomes a big deal. In an extreme situation like this ,a man’s own pride in his penis can dictate his life direction. If it’s a big deal to you and , because of that, a defining characteristic , then you might as well go all out and just do porn. We’ve all seen Boogie Nights. That’s what dudes with freakish phallus’ do.

I think one of the funniest things about this guy is that HE is the one. That fucking guy. This off-ginger, milton from “Office Space” looking dude. He’s gotten more ass than most people you will ever meet and it’s all because of curiosity. Pretty much, the girl heard he was packing the biggest heat of all time and wanted to try it. I bet this guy has seen more fear in the eyes of women than most serial rapists. The thing about having this sort of sex though, is that it’s empty. I’d imagine it’s similar to a famous person fucking a groupie. You never forget that this person is there for reasons other than you being you. I’m sure he’s a normal guy with actual feelings and emotions. i’m sure there were many times where he had hoped a fling would go somewhere deeper, but didn’t cause the person really just wanted to see the Lochness Monster for themselves. That’s gotta be a bummer.

It’s no secret that men are obsessed with their penises. Millions of dollars made a year on EXtenze don’t lie. From big dick dudes, to little dick dudes, we (men) care way more about this shit than it could ever truly matter. So much so, that it can often define a persons entire existence. Having a big dick gives a dude confidence. Having a little dick will make a dude insecure. Pretty simple. The funny thing about that is that it’s mostly in relation to each other. It’s very much on some jungle animal shit. Any show of physical superiority gives you the advantage. In this day and age of porn and the internet, big dicks reign supreme. This is all funny cause, unless you’re gay, another man’s dick should have no bearing on you in anyway. Sure, if mr. dopey 13.5″ fucked your girl , it might rattle your ego but the reality of it is that mr. dopey 13.5″ is just some dork with a freakishly huge cock. His dick is a circus side show. It has no bearing on anything.

Granted , there are girls out there who genuinely love outrageously large penises. I recall a story a friend of mine once told me about this girl he was fucking. He said it was all good but she kept telling him to go deeper. But he was as deep as he could go. Right then he knew that this was never gonna work unless he somehow figured out how to shove his lower abdomen inside of her. But, for every girl like that , there is a girl who can’t have sex in doggy style cause it hurts her shallow vagina. It goes both ways.

After watching this show, it’s obvious that he’s proud of his penis , while also kinda sick of it being the only thing people care about in respect to him as a person. At one point on the show, he goes on a blind date. The woman is friendly but she’s also aware of his secret. Like a dumbass, she brings it up. At first he’s kind let down that it’s come to that but he certainly doesn’t hesitate in telling her his exact measurements as she pretends to not be shocked while swallowing a mouth full of salad. I think, in the case of this guy, it comes down to him being a somewhat boring and painfully normal person. Outside of his horsecock, there really isn’t much to him. Because of this, it’s always gonna be about the penis. If he was funny, or smart or had anything of interest to say, his penis would be a footnote. But , because it would seem he doesn’t, it’s always the star of the show. No matter how cool it would be to whip that shit out on a girl just to see her reaction, it’s still a fleshy anchor in his life, weighing down his happiness.

*That’s been measured. I feel like this research isn’t exactly complete. I’ve watched enough porn to know that there are a few guys out there who rival this guy