Things that are wrong with the world part 22

Oh America, you are a lazy fucking bitch. And, keep in mind, this is coming to you from an admitted lazy person. Listen, I get it. We love to be comfortable. Nothing wrong with that. But there’s almost a level of hedonism involved in what’s going on here. I suppose this is the natural progression from the snuggie. After all, who needs a blanket with arm holes when you can just throw in the towel of self respect completely and get adult footie pajama’s made to lounge in, not sleep. I see this trend evolving more and someone eventually inventing a sack of warm liquid goo that recreates the feeling of being back inside your mothers stomach. Perfect for lazy monday nights , on the couch watching CSI reruns. Mark my words. This will happen. At first you will be grossed out cause the filling of the sack will look like thick kool aid but , eventually, you will be giving them to your newly married friends as a wedding gift.
Now, on to why this commercial is so great. Here are the things that jumped out at me:

1) The thought that there is, somewhere on this planet, an entire family who wears these things in unison, while watching tv together.
I gotta think there’s a teenaged daughter out there completely unwilling to rock the Forever Lazy with her family. I don’t care it’s it came with a Justin Beiber built in vibrator or in some hot topic incarnation.

2)The guy with his normally clothed friends, watching sports in his Forever Lazy.
When men gather, part of the joy is cracking jokes at the expense of one another. If some dude I was watching a sporting event with wore these fucking Max from where the wild things are pajamas in front of me, I’d be snapping on him till he died. I would no longer listen to anything he said because he was guy who had to wear Forever Lazy during the NBA finals.

3)It’s got a hood. Just in case , you know, you wanna take it outside into public where other people are.
The one aspect of this thing I can sign on to is that it’s something for your time at home. It’s a private thing that is so shameful in it’s bumassed-ness , it has to be relegated to your couch. It’s kinda like eating an entire tub of ice cream by yourself but worse. Them putting a hood on it is like daring you to bring it into the sunlight. Take it to the beach! Take it to the pond! Get the fuck outta here. If you see someone wearing one of these in public, tackle them. Don’t explain why or say anything about it to them. They deserve it.

4)”It will be the talk of your next tailgate”
This isn’t a lie. If by “talk” you mean being called a “Fucking pussy” for the rest of the day, then yes. It is indeed the talk of the tailgate. and really, who doesn’t want to be the talk of the tailgate? I’m pretty sure unless it’s related to BBQ prowess, no one ever wants to be the talk of the tailgate.

5)It’s got a shit flap in the back, in case all those wings and nacho’s you’ve been eating , while laying on your couch, decide they need to make a mass exodus from you butthole.
I’m almost shocked they didn’t make one with a built in diaper cause getting up and shitting seems like an unfair amount of work for the average Forever Lazy wearer. Exactly how filthy would one of those butt flaps be after a years worth of usage? It’s just not a smart design. I mean, it’s the only thing they could do to make it possible but there is a reason why Onesies don’t usually exist beyond when you are 4 years old. Cause even children put on their big people pants and take pisses and shits like grown ups.

6)The plushies must be mad
Plushies are those people who like to cuddle and fuck in furry animal outfits. They’re basically human stuffed animals but with sex involved. This whole “Forever Lazy” thing has a strong plushie vibe to me. It’s already got a dick hole in the front and , basically, if you throw on a bear or dog mask, it’s the same fucking thing. If I were a plushie, I’d be annoyed by this. It’s taking something I love and trying to make it into something everyone will be doing. Well, don’t worry plushies. People wearing these things stopped using their genitals years ago. It’d basically a genital tomb made of really soft fabric.

Listen, as i said, I’m a lazy , sitting on the couch and watching TV kinda guy. But this thing is too much.There comes a time when seeking out the ultimate comfort is simply crossing a line of good taste. That line is crossed when you’re wearing something with a buttflap that a Jawa would rock on a sand dune.

I feel like this kind of thing speaks of a greater problem with americans. We embrace our bumminess like no other country. I’m all for wearing sweat pants around the house on a freezing february morning. There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable. But when you’re desire for comfort of this sort is so dire that you’re willing to trade in all self respect, it’s too much.
Here’s a novel idea, sit on your couch with a warm beverage, curl up and cover you lazy fucking ass with a blanket. Trust me, they work just fine and you don’t have to feel deep shame if a random friend stops by cause you won’t be wearing a full body voleur baby outfit.

13 thoughts on “Things that are wrong with the world part 22

  1. Not that it really matters, but plushies are people who actually love stuffed animals, while plushophiles fuck actual stuffed animals. Furries dress up like anthropomorphic stuffed animals and fuck each other. Or, so I looked up and read.

    On another note, these things are as you pointed out, total onezies, and the commercial does an amazing job infantilizing all members of the family. Also, makes Dad out to look like a lazy bastard. When really, Dad is completely worn out from busting his ass all day at a job that may or may not pay a living wage.

    Finally, although the teenage daughter may refuse to kick it Forever Lazy with the family, no worries because she is kicking it Forever Freak with her boyfriend doggy style. Mom goes to wash it and see’s a stain and says “I see you can wear your Forever Lazy without us.” To the outsider this would look like she just didn’t realize what the stain was, but in reality she doesn’t care that her daughter is whoring around in a next generation snuggie. She just wants the little slut to watch desperate housewives with her, so maybe her daughter will share the Forever Lazy Fuck story, and then she can live vicariously through the daughter’s sexual exploits. America!

  2. The trap door was the icing on the cake for me.It’s very grizzled prospector meets man-toddler chic. I’d love to be a fly on the wall at the focus group or whatever that decided through some complex process to greenlight this idea and bring it to market. If there was one single product to represent their own laziness and lack of ideas I think this does the job quite nicely.

  3. so true, so true.

    So do you have any reason to hope/ be happy?

    Because you know, if you say no, I’m just not going to believe you.
    I see your soul shining out of your work some times, and though most of it is pretty melancholy, sometimes i know: he must have been where i have been, to have made this, and i am happy now. Even with “super lazy suit” wearing pyjama people, making zombie groaning cow-feeding noises in the background, who couldn’t give two shits about the world burning, as long as they have their precious feeding trough & tv time.

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