Well, it would appear this has been a popular column round these parts so I will keep doing them. You know the game business, never personal…lets look at the contestants.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe
She didn’t have a chance. She’s weird , she’s kinda homely and she’s a folk singer. Dead. While an argument could be made for her that she has big boobs, it’s simply not enough. She’s as sexy as lamp. She’d certainly win if this were a contest of who I’d like to get high and watch TV with, but this isn’t that.
She’s a little crazy but nowhere near as annoying as Rachel. She’s a hot older lady with a surprisingly hot body. Judging from the years since the show has ended, she’s aged well too. Worst case scenario, we could build about that time she was in that bruce springsteen video. Also, she (the character of Monica) used to be a fatty. This means she’s probably very grounded and was forced to have a personality growing up. Being a fat kid builds character. That can only mean good things in a marriage.
First off, I hate her face (moon pie stylee)but not enough to not have sex with her hot body. She’s annoying and fickle. Wishy washy. But, i bet if she was in the right headspace, she would be lots of fun to have sex with…once. Not to mention, i’d do it just to fuck up whatever stupid hair cut she’s got at the moment.
Fuck/Marry/Kill:Cher, celine dion, streisand
No brainer here. She’s the only one who ever had a vagina worth considering of these 3. Sure, she’s like 70 now and probably looks like a wet paper mannequin naked but, whatever, look at my other choices.
Marry: Barbara Streisand
This would be brutal. To be fair, she looks great for her age. But she’s past the age of that compliment actually meaning she’s even remotely sexually attractive.I would just hope she either was at that point in life where she no longer wanted sex or perhaps she’s had a histerectomy? Wishful thinking.
The thing about marrying Barbara is that the lifestyle would at least be nice. She’s a bazzillionaire and has been for decades. Sure, being around all her catty gay friends all the time might get tiring but it’s better than living in Canada with Dion or hearing Cher’s man voice asking me to go buy her tampons (though,I’m pretty sure she’s done with that part of life) at the store.
Kill: Celine Dion
This would be sweet. Not only do I find her about as unattractive as a person can find another object (she’s about as fuckable as a Llama or a pile of laundry) but she’s also the worst person (allegedly). I can only deal with a french canadian accent for so long (when it’s attached to this mini cloverfield looking thing). She would have to go and i’d take pleasure in doing it. Hell, I’d do it simply to ensure never having to hear the Titanic theme song again.
Marry/Fuck/Kill: Britney Spears, Lady GaGa and Nicki Minaj
This was tough cause she’s not looking so great these days and is possibly mentally handicapped. However, my angle on this is that I’d be willing to put up with that cause it would give me tons of room to do other things. She’s got two kids (that aren’t mine) a busy “music” career, and the IQ of a sea monkey. So, I’d knowingly go into these nuptials knowing I’d have tons of free time and I’d cheat on her like crazy. Really, how else do you marry Britney Spears in this day and age?
DAT ASS. While she might seem like the obvious choice to marry as she’s the youngest and hottest by far, she’s also incredibly annoying and corny. I watched some MTV show with her that was like “A look inside the mind of Minaj” and she reminded me of every stupid drama club girl I ever met. I have no tolerance for that shit…but I would love to have sex with her so this works out perfectly.
Kill: Lady GaGa
Was it even a question? granted, there’s a part of me that was considering fucking her, marrying Minaj and killing Brit brit cause, say what you will, from the neck down, she’s pretty hot. But, from the neck up? That signed her death warrant. Not only does she look like white gonzo but her preachiness is the bane of my existence. Granted, she’s neck and neck in the corny department with Minaj but seeing her live show on HBO made my brain hurt. Those fucking speeches about the most obvious causes that EVERYONE in the entire stadium agrees with. It was full of douche chill moments and I have a low threshold for such things. Off with her head.
Marry/Fuck/Kill:Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi, MIchelle Bachmann.
This was tougher than it should have been. I couldn’t , in my right mind, kill Nancy Pelosi and let both these two pieces of shit live. Even though Pelosi is easily the most busted of the three, I have some standards and morals. So, because Bachman is the less attractive of the two horrific cunts, she has to die.
Fuck: Nancy Pelosi
Again…this was tough. I was gonna go with the same mind set as marrying Barbara Streisand but fuck it…lemme knock this once and keep it moving. I can’t handle that plastic surgery face and she’d probably wanna talk politics with me all the time. I’m way to uninformed for that. So, she gets the saucy one off and the boot. It’s a good thing though, she’s got work to do. She doesn’t need my bum ass on her couch channel surfing all day.
Marry: Sarah Palin
A week ago, this would be different. But since the stories of her past have popped up, new light has been shed on her. She likes to party. She’s 100% the only good lay of the group and , because she’s such a redneck half wit, conversing with her would be easy. Like talking to a dog. Like “Hey girl! who’s gonna cook me dinner tonight? That’s right! that’s my girl!”. If she’s unhappy I can just give her a bag of coke and snow mobile and she can go hash out whatever stupid fucking problems her little brain thinks it has. Hell, i’d even like to hear some old stories about fucking Glen Rice. He was a great shooter in the NBA, but did he really take it to the hole? (she’d love that joke).
Marry/Fuck/Kill: Jessica Alba, Minka Kelly, Salma Hayek
Marry: Minka Kelly
You can pretty much lock her down for marriage no matter who you put her up against. I fucking looooooove this girl. She’s the hottest and seems sweet enough. Granted, a young, babyless Alba or a “Dusk til dawn” Hayek would have certianly given her a run for her money but that’s not the case, they’re older now and Kelly is still fresh. Hell, she’s even single. WIFEY.
Fuck: Salma Hayek
I know she’s a little older now and not a tight as she once was but she’s still hot. More importantly, she’s probably the best fuck I’d ever have. There is no way she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s bagged billionaires. Those dudes don’t just marry anyone. They stick with the girls who make a life of fucking endless hot younger girls seem pointless. Hayek must have a magical vagina and her tits are nothing to scoff at either.
It pains me to even consider this but this is what it’s come to. She’s two kids deep. She’s still super hot but i just don’t know. The other two just seem like better choices. I get a ice queen vibe from her and that’s the kinda thing that can negate hotness. As pretty as she is, she strikes me as the type who eye rolls at the thought of giving head and only lets you fuck her in one position. I could be wrong about that, but I bet I’m not.